Dominanant Responsibilities

 This post was suggested some time ago (like, aeons), but I'm a bit slow on the uptake sometimes so, yea...

A while back, there was an interesting conversation over at Under His Hand on the subject of dominant responsibilities. I'm too lazy to go by and dig it up, but if you're not, it was rather interesting.

Alright, as a dominant, he's got a shitload of responsibilities, right? I think that the issues start when we begin attempting to define those responsibilities. I mean, we all have them--kids, work, critters, family, the list goes on.

When it comes to dominance, I'm betting that you'll get a different answer from everyone you ask. Sure, I do have expectations, ideas of what I feel he should be responsible before, but technically, those feelings don't mean it is so.

His responsibilities are the ones he chooses to have. Realistically, if we want ttwd to work for us as a couple, and if he desires my willing submission, he will assume responsibilities which are conducive to such.

I think that a dominant's responsibilities are the ones he defines. As a submissive, you can either get along with it, or hit the road. Theoretically. If you're capable of walking away.

In my mind, Alpha has many responsibilities:
Not to harm me
to always keep the well-being of myself and the family in the forefront of his mind
to provide for our needs
to listen
etc.
These are responsibilities which he himself has defined.

Ultimately, I suppose that my answer to this question is that a Dominant is responsible for keeping his word. When we take away all the details, all the ideas, all the concepts of avoiding harm and acting in a manner which is conducive to the health and well-being of the people under their control, a dominant is merely responsible for keeping his word. That can encompass a whole lot, or very little.

From where I'm standing in relation to exchange of power in a D/s relationship, the answer to this question could easily come down to expectations--what I expect from him. And expectations, they're such a killer from this side of the slash. Submissive expectations in an established relationship cannot be used to define the dominance one receives.

I expect him to keep his word, and while that keeping might encompass a whole hell of a lot of other things, his word is the bottom line--the foundation all that other stuff must rest upon.
Of course, he has also reserved the right to change his mind whenever he damn well pleases. And sometimes, that one really sucks...

The "Good" Dominant

I don't spend a whole lot of writing time talking about what I think makes a good Dominant. Mostly because this is about me and my whining submission, and I don't believe that it's my job to tell him how to do his. However, I read a couple of Tumbler posts that really made me think about "Good" Dominance.
Tumbler does not allow endless comments (damn them for that), and since it's really not my place to rant about the anonymous idiots who comment on another person's blog, here I am.

How exactly do people form the concept that to be Dominant means to have no respect for those they Dominate? Given the phrasing, I am going to go out on a very short limb and conclude that in a "few years" these particular men have gone through a number of "subs". I wonder why they never stopped to think that maybe their attitude is why they seem to be going through subs so fast...?

If you want a submissive to respect you, give her something to respect.
If you want her to do as she's told, give her a reason.
If you want to keep a submissive, you have to give her a reason to stay.
If you want her submission, inspire it!
If you want her respect, give her something to respect. If you have to constantly "Enforce" her respect, that's not really respect--that's fear.

I think that what really bothers me, is the notion that you can force someone to respect you.
Respect is a positive emotion. Respect is holding someone in high regard because they have shown themselves worthy, respect is a positive feeling of esteem for another human being.
You cannot buy it.
You cannot trade it.
You cannot force someone to feel it.
You earn it.
And, much like trust, respect is much easier lost than gained.

Force has it's place in all D/s relationships, but if it is constantly necessary, is that really D/s?

If you always have to force her to submit, if you can never be gentle for fear she will gain the upper hand, if you believe that she is not worthy of your respect and acceptance, then you aren't really a Dominant.
You're just an asshole with a superiority complex.

In fact, if a "dom" is so afraid of losing control of his sub that he has to be an asshole about it all of the time, then he doesn't have enough faith in himself, self control, or personal fortitude, to Dominate an ant.

That's not to say Dominants are never assholes. Everyone has their days. But D/s is consensual--nobody has to stay and put up with that shit every day.

Alpha wants my respect
he wants me on my knees
he wants me to please
he wants me to obey
he wants my willingness to do anything for him.

Those are not desires that can be fulfilled with force.

He behaves in a way that has earned my respect
he makes it so that I want nothing more than to be on my knees
he inspires my desire to please him
he controls in a manner that makes me want to obey
I am willing to do anything for him because he has done everything for me.
I am his because he accepts all that I am.

I Want My Wife or Girlfriend to Submit, and How to Dominate A Submissive Woman

I have been musing about this post for a while now--it seems like a concept that would go nicely next to "I Want My Husband to Dominate Me."
I have gotten some visitors from search terms like, "how to dominate your submissive, make her submit, I want my girlfriend to submit, my wife wants me to dominate her, I want to dominate her, how to dominate a submissive woman, [and] I want my wife to submit".
So here's catering to keywords lol.

The thing is...I have far less confidence in this topic. But knowing (or not knowing), what I'm talking about hasn't stopped me before lol.

I think that this is a much trickier subject to address for a couple of reasons:
I have never been there and done that.
I think it is, depending on one's personal motivations, potentially far more hazardous for a relationship when one is on the side of seeking to gain control--not seeking to give it up.

So I'll go with my personal opinions (as usual), and I'll tackle this from the viewpoint of introducing D/s into an already established relationship.
I'm not a fan of "How to" manuals for ttwd, so please don't mistake this post as an attempt at such--it's just another one of my little soap boxes so kindly afforded me by the invention of blogging. Results, caffeine consumption, and mileage, will vary.

It's easy to think about wanting someone to submit. But if you want her to submit, you are going to have to Dominate her. And Dominating your wife or girlfriend is a whole awful lot of responsibility.

If you think that you can "Make her submit" with a snap of your fingers, you are sadly mistaken. Likewise, you cannot "Make" someone submissive--it's either there somewhere inside of them, or it isn't.

If you walk in the door after ten years of marriage, and announce that you want control and she'll be submitting to your whims from now on--chances are that you'll find yourself sleeping on the couch while your wife researches mental illness and tries to decide what drugs you might be on.

So think it through before you lay the concept of power exchange out on your kitchen table.

Do you want this to be something that stays in the bedroom and exists to spice up your sex life, or do you want it to become a way of life?
If you want it to be a bedroom activity, chances are that introducing a little here and there, is not going to throw off your established relationship. And it probably won't be that difficult--you try it out slow, see if she likes it or not, and go from there.
Living D/s is a lot more complicated because we can't close the doors on it in the morning.

Why do you want her to submit to you?
If your reasoning is just to get your way whenever you want, chances are that it will be an epic failure from the start.
In order for Dominance and submission to work in a relationship, it has to enhance and strengthen what we already have--not diminish and minimize who and what we are.

What does the concept of Dominance and submission mean to you?
I expect that this one can be a lifetime exploration, but it's good to get an early start on it. It is going to be very difficult to show her what you are seeking if you don't already have a general concept of it for yourself.

Are you willing to take on that much responsibility?
This question is a really big deal--the more power and control you exert, the more impact you have on someone's life. And the more impact you have, the more important your actions and choices become.
I think that selfishness has its place in Dominance, but you are asking another human being to place an inordinate amount of trust in you. This means that your actions must reflect the fact that their best interests are always kept in mind.
When you have the final say, when you choose her choices and bend her to your will, the amount of responsibility you carry grows tremendously. It is not always going to be an easy weight to bear.

The first step is to talk with your partner about Dominance and submission. If she is flat out against it, don't try to run her over and make her see the light via train--that is not going to work. Take it slow, give her time for the idea to sink in, and give her the space to actually consider it.
If she finds the idea attractive, you still want to take it slow. The deep end isn't going anywhere, and it is far better to test the water with your toes than it is to jump in head first and get badly burnt--especially when you are pulling your significant other in with you.

And for goodness sake, don't begin by spilling your darkest and most extreme fantasies to her--you want her to be interested and curious about learning more, not calling her mother and saying  that you have gone off the deep end.
That's not to say that there is necessarily anything wrong with such fantasies--just that they are not the best jumping off point for fledgling power exchange.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So you have had your initial conversation, and she is amenable to introducing D/s into your relationship. Now what?

Controlling another human being is tricky business. First and foremost, it is based upon your control of yourself--if you cannot control yourself, you have no business in even attempting to control someone else.

This starts with you--your control of yourself, your expectations of yourself, the rules you follow yourself, the standards you hold yourself to, etc.

Be confident, but remember that you are not omnipotent.
It is extremely difficult to obey and follow someone who is not confident in their actions and the path they choose to lead us down.
On the other hand, you are human, and you will make mistakes as humans do. Hopefully not a great many because you are thinking carefully about what you do. But to err is human. Sometimes you will be wrong, and you will occasionally screw up.
The impact such events have on your relationship is largely based on how you deal with them--an admission to being wrong, and an apology go a lot further towards restoring trust than pretending that nothing went wrong in the first place. In fact, such pretenses merely compound the issue and eat away at your carefully built foundation of trust.

Be consistent! I don't think that can be said too much.
Don't take her to task for something one day, and then let the same thing go unnoticed the next. Because she will notice. Promise. She will test where exactly the boundaries are, and if those boundaries are constantly moving, she is not going to respect them.
If a directive is not important enough for you to be consistent about, it is not important enough for her to follow.

Say what you mean, and mean what you say.
I think that this is very important--don't make threats that you are not willing to follow through on, don't make statements that you are not willing to back up with actions, and do not make promises that you cannot keep.
If you are going to control her, or hurt her, or do whatever your idea of D/s is, she must be able to place a great deal of trust in you. Trust isn't (and shouldn't), be given blindly. There has to be a basis for it--one that shows submitting, for all its danger, is safe.
When your word is law, that word must also be true.

Base your Dominance on respect, not fear.
Personally, I get off on a bit of fear. But that's me, and years of knowing that Alpha will also save me from my fears. It is not a basis for our power exchange.
You don't want her to submit because she is afraid of you--you want her to submit because she respects you and you are worthy of that respect. And hopefully, because she discovers that she wants/needs it too, and has a desire to please you.
By the same token, if she believes that submitting to you means losing the respect you have for her, this road is probably going to lead to a dead-end. There are reasons that you love and live with this woman--you (hopefully), like her mind and respect her as a person. This has to show in your interactions.

Remember that you can do irreparable damage--both to your relationship, and to your partner.
Physical damage is a danger if you "play rough". But it is fairly easy to avoid with diligence and some gentle experimentation. The last thing you want to do is end up breaking her neck (I'm not joking. It has happened). Know your own strength, your "toys," and her physical limitations.
Psychological damage is more difficult to avoid, can be harder to immediately recognize, and has results that can be far more devastating than physical markings. If you damage her mind, you have done something with serious repercussions--you can't just put a band-aid on it and move on.
This is one of the reasons that taking things slowly is usually the best approach. And there's really no substitute for knowing someone well.

I asked Alpha for his input on this post, and he requested that I add a bit about what he calls cool down--most commonly known as aftercare. In other words, the importance of what happens after you "Play." This applies to both mental and physical activities.
How you take care of her afterwards will go a long way towards solidifying or damaging the relationship you are building. Most of us submissives cannot engage in intense BDSM activities and simply walk it off on our own. Well, we can--but it tends to be a rather unpleasant, and sometimes lengthy, process.
If you hurt her, she needs to know that you are capable of kindness; if you humiliate her, she needs to know that you still respect her; if you control her, she needs to know that she has surrendered of her own free will.
It is often more about what you do after, than it is about the actual activities themselves. It is a symbiotic process in which one aspect cannot succeed without the other.
Alpha likens it to the creation of a samurai sword (I asked if i could have one, he said no). It is a combination of heat and cold that tempers the blade. Too hot, and the blade warps. Too cold, and it breaks. A molecular change occurs in the tempering. There is an exact and delicate combination of heat and cold that creates the perfect blade--the cool-down process is critical.

"To fashion these blades, the smith not only must possess physical strength, but also patience, dexterity, and a refined eye for the limits of the material and the beauty of a finished sword."

 --Edward Hunter

"It has been said that the samurai's sword was his soul. Perhaps this deep attachment had something to do with the perfect melding of form and function found in the katana, as the famous curved sword is known in Japan. Invented a millennium ago, the katana remains a marvel of aesthetic beauty and skillful engineering."

—Rima Chaddha and Audrey Resutek

So there's my ten cents on getting your wife or girlfriend to submit to you. I have never been Dominant in a relationship, and have no real concept of what it's like to live on that side of the fence. But I do know what garners my respect as a submissive, solidifies my faith in his ability to lead, and inspires me to submit.

While I do think that Dominants tend to not be quite as susceptible to comparison as us subs, it is important to remember that one cannot successfully model their relationship after someone else's.
Learning and research is great, and can give very useful insights. But everything you read is another person's perspective--it is about what works for them and their relationship.
It sounds corny, but what you're really seeking is inside you--outside experience and opinion is just a way to help light the path towards your own self-discovery.

Submission as an Art Form

I while back, I read a post over on Kitty's blog, about the art of submission and other things (hi Kitty). But what got me going was the concept of submission as an art.

Ooh look...Butterflies...

I think of Dominance as an art, and Dominant as a state of being--who someone is.

So if Dominance is an art, why wouldn't submission also be an art?

Submissive is a part of who I am as a person.
Submission is a product of being submissive and fulfills a mutual need--my need to submit and his need to Dominate.

The dictionary gave me exactly what I was looking for (yes I'm looking basic stuff up again. Jellyfish taught me that it's a wise course of action).
Art is:
2. The exercise of human skill (as distinguished from nature).
5. excellence or aesthetic merit of conception or execution as exemplified by such works.
Okay, so I'm not sure I entirely understood the second definition the first time or two I read it lol.

So in theory (ahem), submission as an expression of being submissive is very much an art. 
Regardless of whether we come crawling nicely on our knees, need to be conquered along the way, or weave our way back and forth between the two on our way to surrender.

I think that it's an art that is more about dedication than skill (see, I don't look bad if I put it like that lol). We fall, get back up, and do it all over again.
Each time, we refine our rise and fall just a little bit more.

Raw talent can create incredible art (I'm very good at stick figures), but to learn an art takes time. Often, years go into developing and refining the ability to create something beautiful.

Kneeling is an art (if you think it's not, you have very good knees. I don't), learning what pleases someone is an art, giving a blowjob is an art, sometimes holding your tongue is even an art. There's a long list that takes on many forms. 

The quality and value of our art is judged, not by its viewers and level of perfection, but by the ones we submit to. And as is the case with all art, the art of submission takes many forms, yet exists to please it's owner.

Craving Domination

I was thinking about why I crave Domination. Then I was questioning the question and began wondering why it matters that I do, then why I have such a hard time admitting I crave it.

Still with me?

Naturally, I got sidetracked--by wondering about the differences between craving submission, and craving Domination.

Perhaps craving Domination is craving submission too because you can't really have one without the other...?

 Lol.

Alpha, quite often craves sex.
Above all, I crave Domination.

And the two can often be quite nicely intertwined. But I also crave Domination without sex.

He's busy, it's time to plant the garden, trying to finish the boys room, hopefully some paying work coming up soon, etc. And me, left to my own devices, what do I do? Think of course. And not about tomatoes either.
It's damned inconvenient I might add.

But I sit here and I think about his control. About being Dominated.
And I know
That I submit because, deep in the core of my being, I need Domination.

Yea, there's something to be said about the whole, "I submit because______" ritual.

Because it makes me think about why I submit. And for the first few weeks, it was pretty easy--obvious answers, no real thought required. But then I used up all the easy answers lol. So I have to look just a little bit closer, dig just a little bit deeper, open up just a little bit more.


When I think about my fantasies, every single one revolves around D/s. Actually lol, they run a bit more extreme than our normal interactions. Yea, that's the "bedroom fantasies" post that will probably never be written. Unless he goes through another one of those phases where he wants to hear them and gives me an out to write them instead lol.

Funny how it can be easier to admit some things to the whole world than to look someone in the eyes and say it out loud. Eh, he's not one much for giving easy outs anyways.

And how the hell did I end up here from up there? Maybe I need more coffee...Or less...Better just err on the side of caution and say more.

Sex and Submission

While I do believe that it's the mental and day to day aspects that make ttwd what it is, I also associate sex with submission.

For me, sex equals submission. Without submission I don't enjoy sex.

I was thinking about this as I drifted off to sleep last night in a happy, submissive puddle of jello.

The thing is, when I'm a bit off, so is our sex life. Okay, okay, when I'm really struggling with submission, our sex life is nonexistent.
Yes, I can submit when I don't really feel it, but I can't seem to really enjoy pleasure or pain; I can't sink into them and let sensation take me away with him--I drift off alone with my own little version of dissociation. Which is very much against the rules. To say Alpha hates it would probably be an understatement.

There is always some form of Dominance and submission in our sex, but I wonder why I don't enjoy it when I feel un-submissive, why I can't simply stay there in the moment and just...Be.

D/s is most certainly not all about sex. But for me, sex is very much about D/s.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

His body was pressed against mine, one hand wrapped around my throat, the other entwined in my hair. His voice speaking softly in my ear "silly little one, always fighting so hard against what you want and need the most."

And I wonder about that too--why must I struggle so against my deepest needs and desires?

Slow Learner?

We have had arguments during sex before.
The thing is, I can't really remember any of them. And I certainly don't remember dissolving into a ridiculously pathetic ball of tears and snot.

Alpha had plans for me. Then he decided they were happening on his schedule not mine. I blew things completely out of proportion may have blown things a bit out of proportion. And I deliberately kept my distance. I went to that lonely distant little place in my mind, refused to let myself fall into subspace, and just went away.

This is a nono second only to lying. I used to do it all the time. And he hates it. With a passion.

Ironically, while I was busy keeping my internal distance, he not only knew I had deliberately checked out, but that I was also actively trying to keep him out (it does occasionally happen without any deliberate attempts on my part).

I told him that sometimes I feel like he doesn't help me succeed. Believe it or not, that was the internally edited version. My brain said  "sets me up to fail". But even in my obstinance, I knew that wasn't really fair.

He withdrew (both literally and figuratively), and I...To my horror I burst into tears. Not those cute little sniffles some that pass for crying with some people, but a full on "the sky hath fallen" rain of misery.

At that point I was quite sorry, and absolutely appalled by my complete patheticness (it so should be a word). I was also still a bit annoyed by his apparent lack of consideration for my needs. Which at the time, I felt was most definitely sleep.
The irony of staying up and fighting because I think my sleep schedule is being interfered with, versus submitting gracefully are not lost on me here.

He was very put out and let me know as much in no uncertain terms. He turned the light off and told me to go to sleep.

We ended up in the kitchen talking. Well, for the most part he talked and I sobbed. Wtf is wrong with me?

Alpha pointed out that it's a difficult position for him to be in--when I expect his Dominance to come on my own terms.
I admitted that I felt his opinion was valid and told him that sometimes I feel like I need help to succeed and he doesn't give it. I told him that this was more of an underlying thing for me than anything that was really an issue in the moment, and I apologized for blowing things so far out of proportion.
He said he understood where I was coming from and said he realized that sometimes I do need his help to succeed at the things he wants from me.

I felt like I was in some horrible kind of subspace that was lonely and just...Off. Grey instead of color perhaps. It started as soon as hew withdrew from me. He held me and told me that's how he feels when we are together and I check out.
Honestly, I had never really thought about how it felt for him when we are together but I'm not all there. Perhaps I'm more selfish than I like to admit.

We ended up back in bed around midnight. He came back in, I checked back in, and we were on solid ground once again.

I wonder if  I'll ever get the hang of this whole submissive thing?
We've been at ttwd for around 5(?) years now and it really seems like the learning curve just rolls back in on itself sometimes.

Like Water

When life is disrupted and crazy, there comes a certain point where I no longer want D/s.
Repression is, unfortunately, my specialty.

Then after a while, this terrifying realization dawns on me (yea I know, my "realization" is not a news flash or some new major surprise), and I have to accept the fact that I need D/s.

I suppose it would sound dramatic to say it's a need like the physical requirement for air, and that wouldn't be exactly true either...It's more like water in the desert--you can go without for a while. At first you even feel okay, and you think you'll be fine without it for as long as you have to.

After a while, you realize that you really won't be okay without it. That you don't want it merely to sate your thirst--you need it.

And then when you get it, there's a temptation to gorge, but your body rejects it because it's too much at once...

I still wonder when exactly ttwd became a need? No longer a want for pleasure or pain, but an unavoidable need for his control. His pain. His Dominance. An inexplicable craving to be owned.

And feel it.

Every day.

Wouldn't it be convenient if it was all just a game, and could be turned off and on at will?
But that would be a bit like dipping your toes in the oasis--why play on the edges when you can dive right in?

D/s is a bit like water--it's one of those needs beyond want.

I think I can live without it for a while...But eventually I will, beg, cry, and crawl for even just one drop.

Because I need it.

submissive vs submission and don't Dominate me because I want it

I was browsing around and found this post, over at A Bedroom Dom. He feels that submissive is defined by the need to submit, someone who has it in their bones and cannot deny it. Whereas submission is simply the act of submitting. It's not a need or a deep seated state of being. It is done only for the other partner and does not stem from any internal need (I have taken creative liberties lol).

It seems that different people place different values on each side of the coin.  For some Dominants submission is more valuable because it's something their partner neither needs or particularly wants. They appreciate that the effort is made on their behalf and the arrangement works well for them. I see this view highlighted most often in dd blogs. 
On D/s blogs, this kind of submission seems to lead to a fair amount of frustration. It shows in statements like "she let me" which are met with some curiosity and confusion by people like myself.

I find it interesting to look at submission/submissive from this perspective. Because sometimes I feel like my submission is selfish--I need it. It doesn't just serve Alpha, it serves me. It feeds some deep seated need in my being. That's one of the reasons I don't feel like my submission is a gift (Alpha disagrees with me here. Our views may be contradictory, but it works for us). I don't feel that it really matter much if I see it as a gift or not--He does. And maybe that's one of the things that makes our relationship what it is. I certainly do love Him just a bit extra for it. I guess that, in a way, it soothes my insecurities.

I have thought a lot about the difference between being Dominated because it's what a sub needs vs being Dominated because it's what a Dom wants [Edit] or who He is. Because much like submissive, Dominant is about who/what you are. Thanks to Sir J for the comment that gave me this missing piece.

It seems like there is a huge difference between the feeling you get when being Dominated to please yourself  and being Dominated because it pleases Him to do so. Like pain inflicted Because He likes it, not because I want it--there's like this circular feeding thing that happens. If it gets Him off that feeds my pleasure which in turn increases His.

I think that in the beginning of ttwd, Alpha Dominated me because it had become apparent that I wanted it (through His discovery of my wayward and secret internet explorations detailed somewhere around here). And it didn't feel quite right. Not that it wasn't good, it was just lacking whatverthehellitis that makes me need what He wants--specifically Him Dominating me for Himself. Not because I wanted it. I'm not sure why or how that changes things, but it does.
In retrospect, I think that Alpha repressed His Dominance for a very long time.
I was wounded and damaged (now I'm just damaged lol) so he held back those tendencies in Himself that He felt I couldn't cope with.

He used to inflict pain on me because I liked it. Now He does it because it gets Him off. And while perhaps I like pain less now, I get more enjoyment from the experience itself. In a very big way, His pleasure is mine. And that's not something I ever thought I would find myself saying.

Okay, back on mental track here--it definitely feels deeper and more intense to be Dominated for His pleasure not my own. But I also think that those who Dominate out of love not need/want are showing a lot of love for their partners. Even if it does go against an intrinsic submissive need--to please and be used for the pleasure of another and not their own.
I believe it works both ways too--those who submit out of love not need or intrinsic desire are giving the biggest gift they can give.

The truth is, anyone can Dominate but not everyone is Dominant. And anyone can submit but not all are submissive.

Let it be let it go let it live and let it grow

Mikki asked a good question on my last post. She asked why I was afraid Alpha wouldn't love me anymore.
Truthfully, I do believe He will always have love for me. No matter what. That doesn't mean that He wouldn't ever leave me no matter what, or that He will tolerate anything from me. It simply means that sometimes love doesn't die regardless of circumstances.

He could respect me less, see me differently, feel differently, etc.

And I know it's time for me to let go of all those little things I get hung up and use to avoid letting go. This is one of those things.
Because when you tread in unknown waters there's a calculated risk. Choices made that can effect the way couples view each other. Things can be greatly impacted in a moments action or inaction.
Things like respect and the way we feel about another person.

But when it boils right down to it? That's just an excuse.
Because Alpha contemplates the waters for a long time before shoving taking me out into them. Until finally I'm screaming "lets just take the dive dammit!" Then He contemplates some more. And eventually, we will either be in the deep end, or exploring different shores.

And lets be honest here, He has a better track record than I do.

Eventually it becomes time just to let it be. Let it go. Let it live. And let it grow.

Another thing I'm working on is letting go of preconceived notions (you can only polish your humor for so long before the real issues bleed through ya know). I used to have lots of them. Mostly about how Alpha should be as a Dominant. Funny huh, because that can be quite contradictory to submission. Yes, I have certain beliefs about what makes a good Dominant (anyone who says they don't is either lying or none to bright). Though now, for the most part, my notions revolve around what makes a good submissive. Well, what makes me a good sub for Him. And I guess at some point, one of those things became letting go of the notion of judging His Dominance. Because Dominance is not about adjusting your wants and needs to the expectations of a submissive (please note that I said "expectations" lol).

I mean after all, I can judge myself plenty for both of us lol. Which rolls into something else I have been thinking about--that little issue of self-acceptance. And I rather think it's time to let that go too. Because a great deal of my striving to achieve and judgement of self revolves around pleasing Alpha. Being someone He loves, respects, and is proud of. So why negate His judgement by refusing to accept myself as a whole?

Because eventually it's time just to let it be. Let it go. Let it live. And let it grow.

Constant Dominance

I mused on this subject for a while and rediscovered the draft I wrote a while back. Since I have nothing even semi-interesting to say besides the fact that we are about to add kittens to our menagerie and I want to go to bed not work, I figured I would publish it lol.


No one is Dominant all the time.

I know, shocker right? Bastards. Inconsiderate of them to be human too isn't it lol. But it's true. Constant Dominance is a myth. No matter who you are, what your situation is, or how entwined ttwd is in your life, being Dominant all the time is not possible. Maybe a few people will sputter and object, but it's just  fact of living life and being human.
People get sick, there are problems, everyone has bad days, we all submit to someone at some point in some way.
As a submissive, it can be a hard pill to swallow. I mean, no one really wants to submit to anything less than what they see as one of the ultimate powers right?
But I think that the simple fact that no one is Dominant all the time is perhaps one of the rewards of Dominance (I of course, see other rewards, like blow jobs on demand from a tired and cranky graceful sub, getting your way, having the last word, etc lol).
Anyways, dragging my ass back on track here, being Dominant gives an area in life where a Dom has control regardless of what's going on at work or anywhere else. A while back when things were going really bad, Alpha told me that our relationship was about the only thing He was really happy with in His life. At the time, some decisions had been made that did not end well, His business was a mess, circumstances dictated that He had a great lack of control over anything. Except for me.

And that was enough. Not ideal maybe, but enough nonetheless.

I'm not an expert on being Dominant. Because that's not who I am and I see it from my end of the spectrum-- as a submissive. Though it could also, of course, be said that I ain't (is so a word when the children can't hear it), an expert on submission either lol.

But expertise or lack thereof aside, I do believe it to be true--constant Dominance is a myth.

From Morning to Night

 Early morning:
"I want to shove my cock down your throat till you cry. It's been to long...." Note my self preserving respectful silence (I have learned that sometimes it's really best to treat Him like a wild animal--don't make eye contact, no sudden movement, don't breath to loud, etc).

Mid-morning
"You can't beat me into happiness!" I squealed making a hasty retreat towards the fridge. It was an unfortunate choice of direction--there is no hidden escape route around the milk and over the eggs. He knows it too. So of course, He continued to advance menacingly purposefully. Raising His eyebrows He said smugly, "are you quite sure about that?" As I neared His height gasping for air (He's almost a foot taller than me, it's really not physically possible...), I had to admit...Maybe He can.

The aforementioned activities usually turn the day around in a good way, however...

By afternoon:
He says the three words I never want to hear: "I'm scared too baby."
And I'm on the couch in tears wanting to crawl to Him and absolutely refusing to loose the inner war with myself and actually do it.

After bedtime:
He had promised me the riding crop...I squirmed and insisted it was quite alright if He didn't keep His promises. He dismissed my claims with a growl "But you will think less of me if I don't keep my word."
Smart man.
"No really, I won't think less of you at all, not this time, I promise!" He never did find the riding crop...But He settled for that damnable wooden spoon.


I was whipped, clamped, fucked to tears, called a filthy whore, and told how loved, amazing, and precious I am.


All in all, for it's mid-day mess, yesterday ended quite happily.

This sub's rightful place

That space He keeps for me in His heart, that place I sit at his feet--it's mine. Yea, yea, I know who's gonna fuck whoever they want, who owns who, and who's in charge around here, and that it's not me. Holy shit, to many repeats of one word...I may have had a bit too much coffee...

But that place at His feet, my rightful place, that particular look in His eyes--I know that it's mine. And mine alone. My place is serving Him (let's just go ahead and forget for the moment that I really suck at service). When I'm off kilter, one step out of my place, that connection and intimacy we have is muted. My jealous tendencies rise to the surface, and we are not in sync like we should be.
And I crave that connection. It is possible to live and love without it, but once you have had it, I don't think that there's any going happily back to the way things used to be. It's that intimacy created by ttwd, the births of our children, the deaths of our loved ones, that I crave so deeply. It is most often solidified by the expression of D/s.

It can be kind of scary, when your body is at the mercy of another, your mind malleable, your soul exposed. That closeness in which nothing can remain hidden and all things hidden see the light of His eyes. Because perfection in humanity is a myth (of course, that minor little fact isn't going to keep me from striving for it lol). And when someone else's opinion becomes so valued, it's hard to expose the scars, show the imperfections, accept the mistakes. But there, in the moment, is where imperfection has a beauty of it's own. Because to be seen clearly through and through, yet still be loved for what you are, is an incredible experience.

I have stepped outside of my place over the last couple of weeks and Alpha asked me to come back because He misses me and doesn't like it when I'm here yet far away.

But it's my rightful place. That space He holds just for me. And as much as I am His and I need Him, He is mine and He needs me too. Individually we are strong, together we are unconquerable.

That place at His feet and that look in His eyes? That is mine for all time.

Say it, Do it, Be it

In the beginning, ttwd was talk. It was an idea, a concept lacking solidity--an experiment waiting for action. The words seemed awkward, the place they led unknown.
Then is became something we do. An action, a part of life. Those actions started in the bedroom where I requested they stay. We soon discovered that keeping it confined to the bed wasn't going to work--ttwd had to be a part of daily life, not just something we played at under the covers.
And so it became many pieces of the puzzle that is our relationship. It ebbs and flows like anything else in life but it has become an integral part of our day-to-day life.

As circumstance would have it, I ended up in a position of Dominance, dealing with a bunch of crap over the weekend. Alpha couldn't come help me take care of it, so I was on my own for some pretty serious events. Everything went smoothly and circumstances were also kind enough (or disappointing enough, depending on my mood lol), to allow me to pretty much wrap things up without further bloodshed.

Normally, when I have to be very Dominant, I don't slip back into my place well at all. "You want do stick what where?! *&)((^%$##!, I think not!" Forever gracious lol, as always.

When I finally stumbled back in the door Saturday night? Oh I was ALL His. No sidestepping, backtracking protesting (okay, well maybe just enough to make getting His way rewarding), or otherwise attempting to avoid my place. Oddly enough, I had no desire to resist what turned out to be a rather painful evening lol.
And that calculating detached look He was giving me? Whole new experience.

And thus I believe we are entering another evolution in ttwd--from doing to being.
And I wonder if it goes on like this forever, this evolution of D/s. Do you get to where you're going and stay there, or is it always evolving and changing? Because every time I think we have come close to the bottom of the abyss? I discover that we aren't even close.

Dreams and squirmy things

Minimum payments haven't been made on anything for months and collectors start calling first thing in the morning. The upside to this is that you're to busy wishing you could sleep and praying that there will be some payments made come next paycheck, so you don't really remember your dreams.

Umm, this morning I did remember some rather hazy dreams. The kind of stuff that made me choke on my coffee and turn bright red while checking to see if anybody in my immediate vicinity was currently mind reading. Luckily Alpha was still in bed, so no one was lol.

I tend not to have...dreams like that lol. To compound the coffee choking and hot tomato sensation that accompanied my hazy remembrance, I also got to enjoy that particular squirmy feeling that comes with admitting something to Alpha that I really don't want to lol. Because...In part of the dream I'm standing next to Alpha, He has His hand around the back of my neck, He's asking me something, and controlling the way I turn my head. I'm looking at two men. They happen to be the same man (hey, it's dreamland. They could have been purple too). One doesn't interest me at all, the other...Well, I'm telling Alpha that I would fuck the other one (enter extremely squirmy feeling during waking realizations lol).
I thought it was kind of interesting though, because the two men in my dream were the same person, but one was clearly darker, Dominant...different. The other had the same physical appearance (okay, minus black leather jacket lol), different everything though...softer and less intense.

And there, I think, is my little peek into the abyss of attraction and one of the reasons I tend to go out of my way to avoid other Dominant men. Because it fucks with the slut in me. And while Alpha has clearly seen it all and probably knows better than I do, it's difficult to admit directly--what I find attractive and pushes my buttons. Then again, it's one thing to admit it. Another thing completely to actually show it.

Though I do suspect that if I spent a bit more time accepting that part of me, I would be able to squash my jealous tendencies more effectively. Because that's part of being human right? Attraction. And it's not an exclusive experience. Trying to make it so has a tendency of repressing parts of who we are. And after all, attraction isn't everything by any means--a serial killer could be attractive, but you don't want to marry him and say "you own me, do whatever you want with me" lol.

But it all just goes to show--I will find the most gorgeous man in the world completely unattractive if he hasn't got the intensity and that certain something that you see when looking at a Dominant man.
And no matter who I may see as attractive? Alpha knows it before I do. And I don't belong to any of them, nor do I want to. And He knows that too. Hmm, excessive use of "and."

Now I'll post on the way out the door and hope that Alpha reads while I'm not home so that I don't have to squirm and feel like I'm boiling in the lobster pot for the entire time it takes Him to read this (He really could work on that whole speed reading thing sheesh).

Submission and Weakness

My blog had an identity crisis. Maybe I'm having one too. The font I really liked? It was unreadable. I had to squint and turn my head just right, and guess what the letters were. So I couldn't keep it lol. I went to town on Alpha's blog too lol (hey, He looked over my shoulder and said "yes" or "no")
Anyhow...

I was thinking about weakness and submission.
A couple of my favorite blogs seem to have been found by people who feel themselves in need of attention and for whatever reason, thought the best way to get it would be by putting excessive effort into telling the blog owners just how weak and worthless they are. Now another blog I read has a post up about her husband thinking her weak for submitting.
So of course, that dangerous obsession I have with thinking reared it's snotty little head, and I discovered that I have quite a bit to say about submission and weakness.

I used to be afraid that submitting to Alpha would be an expression of weakness. That it showed my character to be lacking in strength and He would love me less for it.
I have since come to believe that anyone who thinks submission comes from weakness, has never tried it. Do you know how hard it can be to do as you are told?! To put complete trust in someone else's judgement and just go with the friggin flow, to let things you find unpleasant be done to you because you have chosen to be submissive?? And there it is, simplistic in it's complexity--submission is a choice. And you have to be strong enough to make that choice for yourself.

Being submissive doesn't mean that I'm locked in the basement without human contact, that I have no mind of my own, or that I get to stroll around like a thoughtless robot while Alpha makes all the decisions and choices in our lives. I make decisions on a daily basis. I work (hating it doesn't count lol, I still get my ass out there and do it), when Alpha is down I try to lift Him up, when the shit hits the fan I do what needs to be done and cry about it later, when someone else drops the ball I pick it up and resist the urge to throw it at their head.

Being submissive takes courage. And submission can itself bring us courage.

After I discovered that being submissive didn't mean I was weak, I struggled to come to terms with the thought that Alpha would believe that it made me weak and respect me less for it.
At the same time, I think He was having some difficulties Himself--reconciling the fact that His queen was now His whore and would forevermore be both. There is great reward in having a queen on her knees at your feet. In that we become an enigma--but it is possible to live happily as such.

Dominance and submission are a circular arrangement wherein one cannot exist without the other. Without Dominance there is no submission. Without submission there is no Dominance.

A submissive does not walk down the street bending to the will of all who cross their path. There are plenty of vanilla people in the world who do not submit to a Dominant--yet they allow the world to walk all over them. And they are not happier or better off for it.
From my own life and what I have observed about other submissives, I have come to believe that, for the most part, subs are Dominant outside of their relationships--they manage businesses, employees, large families, etc. They take charge. And submission is a retreat from that. It offers us a part of life where we don't have to be in charge, where we cannot exert control, a reality where we are whatever our Dominant chooses.

Submitting is a haven from the world for those who quite often live a life otherwise in command (and if they don't, so what?). It becomes part of who we are. It's an expression of devotion that's not always enjoyable and is by no means easy. It is a place where we can show who and what we truly are and still be loved. That's not to say that it doesn't change you, or you aren't ever made to change (changing for someone you love is not abnormal. People in vanilla relationships do it all the time. It just doesn't seem to work quite the same).
And sure, some of us are damaged, but there are plenty of damaged people. They just tend to have a problem admitting it lol.

We are the people the weak come to for help. 

We are the women who the strong come knocking for to back them up. 

We are the children who sit by the sides of our dying parents and console those who come to mourn.

We are the mothers who bare our teeth in defense of our children.

We are the raging sisters who stand off someone else's abusive husband in the night.

We are the wives who so many run to in the dark.

We are the ones who, above all others, have our Dominants back.

We are survivors.

We are submissives

and submission is not born of weakness.

Everyone and every relationship is different. Your way isn't my way and that's okay. I think it's a human trait to judge others, but it's not a very admirable one. No one is strong in all circumstances at all times. But we are who we are and that's just another part of being human.

Intention is (almost) everything

Ttwd is very much about intent. It changes everything and shapes the experiences within a BDSM oriented relationship.
The intentions behind actions largely determine their outcome and impacts. Take humiliation for instance, if the intent behind it is to make someone a lesser being, to break their spirit and crush who they are, without thought for their well-being, then it's not a healthy thing at all right? If the intent is to remind another of their place, to exercise one's rights over that person, to somehow deepen the connection (insert description here. I'm still trying to get a handle on the workings of humiliation lol), then it can have very different consequences.

The focus behind a gentle touch, the intent of a slap in the face--it changes what that action becomes, what it does to the person on the receiving end. If Alpha were to slap me in anger during one of those rare knock-down-drag-out fights, that would be a problem. But, while He does slap me (on a fairly regular basis I might add), it's not done in anger. Sometimes in displeasure yes, but never anger. And those tender touches? Yes, they feel good, but if there is focused intent behind them, they make your hair stand on end and send shivers down your spine.

I have focused mainly on Dominant intentions, but what about the other end? I have come to believe that the intent behind submission is just as important as the act of submission itself. Less blatantly noticeable than those from the Dominant side, but they still matter within the context of the relationship. Submission can be lovely, it can be reluctant, it can be scary, it can be primal, it can be selfish. If we submit only for what we get out of it, doesn't that effect the quality of our submission? I believe that, by definition, submission is undertaken not only for our need of it, but for the service of another (yes yes, I'm not getting any service awards, I know lol).

When the intent behind our submission is based solely on our wants, does it not lose value? It's good to know what you want. Even better to know what you need. I gots lots of wants (told you no service awards for me), and a fair amount of needs. I try not to get stuck in my wants, and make a great deal of effort to recognize my needs. But they aren't always compatible (totally rude right). Anyways...

It's true what they say, that the road to hell is paved with good intentions. But I am doubtful about how, ahem, "good" Alpha's intentions are anyways lol.

Intention isn't everything, but it does play a big part in ttwd.

The Attractions of Addiction

 While I do have physical cravings, for the most part, I crave things that have very little to do with physical interactions. True, there's nothing quite like walking through the kitchen innocently minding my own business , and finding myself grabbed by the throat and pushed up against a wall (yes, I may have just erroneously suggested that I actually have business that's my own and called myself innocent, all in one sentence. Pffbbtt). Yet at the same time, what I crave about such moments is the mindset it puts me in. How those little reminders of my place and His make me feel inside. Not just the incredible physical sensation of having His hand wrapped around my throat (yes, my throat's still all jacked up, can you tell I've been missing certain things lol).

What I'm getting at in my own roundabout way, it that I crave the mental and energetic aspects of ttwd far more than the physical. Physical activities, while enjoyable (well, you know...), are often just another path to results that have very little to do with the body. In the beginning I think that I kind of resented that what Alpha enjoys most about our dynamic is control.
Somewhere along the line my feelings shifted and I realized that, while it is necessary for me to be able to exert control in daily life and the outside world, His control gives me a sense of safety and stability that I did not otherwise have. And physical control has very little to do with it.
It's kind of like being tied up versus  lying on your stomach and being told not to move your hands from behind your back--being tied up is great, but the mental control another person has to have over you to keep you still without physical bonds? That's even better. It becomes less superficial and goes below the surface aspects of experience. Because, no matter how close your bodies get, you can't be closer than when another person is inside your head.

Yesterday I talked a bit about space. I call it that for lack of a better word, but it's more like a shifting of consciousness. One that I am sure there are many paths to, with BDSM being just one. I think that it's a fairly human trait to reach for a higher sense of being; though many of us may lack it (ahem, evolution can be a painful process that some of us would just rather skip I suppose).

And I have said before that Dominance and submission is kind of like a drug--complete with a high and it's own addictive qualities.
So, while we're (yea, me, myself and I) comparing Dominance and submission (or BDSM overall for that matter) to drugs, from observing the overall effects, it turns into something that is more than a recreational experience. It becomes like a drug that is used not only for a certain sense of enjoyment, but for it's beneficial impacts (like heart medication or other drugs used for the physical or mental well-being they create). Like any drug, abuse or misuse can have terrible, even fatal, consequences. But done right? It can have miraculous and life changing results.

Of course, one of the big problems with recreational drugs, psychedelics specifically (besides the fact that it is an experience outside of reality, not within it), is that you think you have all the answers, but you can't really bring them back with you to the real world. But when ttwd becomes a way of life, the answers are always there, even if they can be difficult to grasp, and the experience becomes an integral part of the real world.

And I can hear the straight edged people cringing and criticizing my choice of drugs as an analogy. In fact, I could probably feed them their own arguments almost verbatim. But that's okay, because those same people are the ones most likely using ones from over the counter for health or maybe not so much. And I think my analogy is fitting; though, just for the record...
I'm not big on drugs. And personally, I think that I have been a very good girl on that front. Lol.

But I do have a bit of an addiction. And luckily for me? Supply and demand is not in my hands.

Stillness of Being

Being silent or doing nothing are not the same things as being still. Being physically still is not the same as stillness of being.
Life is full of shit. And sometimes, when you stop to smell the roses, you just step on thorns. And then you get swept away in the overall craziness that constitutes daily life. And the first thing to go? That all to often elusive, stillness of being.

Most of the time, I feel that I lack the ability to turn off my thoughts. My mind is always moving, questions constantly forming, brain continually on go.
D/s has helped me with a great number of personal issues; from sex to stability in daily life, to overall happiness and the way I approach life in general, to the health of my marriage and coping with past abuse. Most of all, for my mind? It brings me stillness of being.

Lately I haven't been able to clear my mind. To slow down, stop the thoughts, and just...Be.
For the most part, subspace is easy to fall into. It's always there, one step off to the side, and there I am--down into the infinite abyss.

Over the last few weeks? I reach for space and, like a breath of air, it slips through my fingers. I teeter on the edge looking down, I step off the edge, and I can't fall in. I feel it brushing against my toes, I can smell it in the air, see it in my peripheral vision, and brush lightly against it. But I cannot float in it cannot feel my being sink below the surface, cannot slide over the edge. It's not just subspace, it's our space, and when I'm on the outside looking in at Him, it's lonely for both of us.
Because that stillness of being is hard to grasp these days. My mind won't slow down enough to let go and just Be. Normally it's like a circle, starting at one point and feeding through with space comes stillness of being, with the stillness comes space--that yin and yang where each side is essential for the other sides existence and stability, where together they create completion.

Stillness of being is not the same as sitting still. It's an essential space that is part of, and essential to...space.

Vanilla chocolate swirl

Alright, I decided not to let my poor little blog drown completely in vanilla ramblings so maybe this will be a vanilla chocolate swirl post lol.

I've been sick a lot lately and it has impacted a great deal about how Alpha and I interact. The physical aspects are the first to noticeably diminish, then being sick goes to my head (yea yea, haha), and other areas become compromised. I haven't ever been sick for this long, so it's been new to us both and Alpha's been really sweet about it (You know, only minor accusations of being depraved deprived). But He's getting touchy and I'm getting...Oh hell, I just plain don't want to submit (yes, I have admitted to the cardinal sin of submission, well I'm sure there's more than one lol, but anyways...I said "I don't want to").
At the same time? I'm angsty and figity, and just generally cranky. And I know it's because what I want and what I need aren't always the same thing. I need D/s. Without it we aren't as good, I'm not as stable, I'm not as happy, and I just feel...off.

Now, I realize this is getting a little bit "meme" (which I'm okay with lol, because it's my blog, but I'm trying to view this in a wider context), but in the big picture of how we live and what life's like, it's not great for us when our D/s becomes so buried. It doesn't just disappear--it has become a part of who we are and how we live our lives. But sometimes it gets muted. And I feel like a puzzle missing edge pieces. It's harder to put the puzzle together, and without the edge pieces, the picture falls apart easily...Lacking a frame to keep it all together. D/s may be only part of the puzzle, but it has become our frame--those few precious pieces that hold the picture together with us as the corner-stones.

What I want is not always what I may need. And Alpha has made it quite clear in the past that He's willing to take my wants into consideration (when He wants to haha), but He's not obliged too. He feels that needs are His responsibility, not wants. And normally? I'm really okay with that. I even rather appreciate it as a given part of our dynamic...except for when I just don't want to lol.

Though...Ooh lala, we'll be getting some cruel cool little nipple clamps to review here soon, so I had better get my ass back on board here soon huh.