Ten

So this blog will be ten years old tomorrow...One whole fucking decade.

A lot happens over the course of ten years. Hell, a lot happens over the course of one. I took a long hiatus from this place. And coming back...Well, it's stirred up a lot in my head. And it's been kinda lovely cuz, some of you are still here and that warms my heart to no end.

A decade of my story is here. Not all of it, and certainly very little of the last few years. But it is still my story, my history, my life.
I have been talking to one of my aunts. I never had any close family, but still, she's my family. And she remembers family history that no other living person knows. My youngest has expressed an interest in learning his family history, so I started talking to her about it and really acknowledging some interesting things about history and being alive.
Stories die when no one remembers them. Some day, everything we know and experienced will vanish unless someone else learns our story. Histories, lifetimes, people, their stories, the events during their lifetimes, these things only truly die when no one knows them and can pass them on, and no one listens or recalls the tales of those who do.
And these individual moments of failure, success, pain, joy, love, hate...All these little individual moments put together as a whole make up the world as we know and experience it.

We are all merely a drop in the ocean, but without all those little drops, there is no ocean.

This blog is ten years old. I turned 37 last week. Time flies, but it doesn't have to pass us by. We add to our story and those of people we interact with each and every day. Life is beautiful. It's fucking painful, and ugly, and glorious, and amazing. Our story is what we make it, how we choose to allow others to shape it, the memories and moments we share with others.

In the end, perhaps it matters not how long we are alive, but that we truly live in the time we are given. And if we are really lucky, we will touch even just one person enough for them to listen to our story. And remember.

Given the theme this post kind of took on its own, I would just like to mention Cat, of Be pleasing always. Her dom, HerLiege, recently posted that most of her blog was going to be deleted by tumbler.That brings me great sadness. Because, while Cat had already passed away when I found her blog years ago, her story meant something to me, it impacted my ideals and views, helped to shape so many of my ideas of submission. I can still call up that feeling in my heart that reading her words inspired, and the introspection  and growth it evoked. Her story and who she was will always be beautiful to me. And because she shared her story, I will remember her. Always.

Belonging

One of the things I loved about Blogland was the feeling of belonging it gave me. Coming back after having built this blog, and my entire life really, around Alpha, I feel a bit like I don't belong. This blog was very much OUR story. And now...Now it's mine. And in a place that is so much based upon belonging TO someone...It feels a bit odd. But I am who I am. And it is what it is.

I watched a movie the other day, and the main character was having a conversation in which she said, "I'm much more stable when I write, I haven't written much lately." and the other character replies with, "How are you doing with that?" to which she responds with, "Not well, not well at all."
That resonated deeply with me. B has asked me to write on more than one occasion in the last couple years, because she knows it's good for me, knows I need it. But so often...So often, the words haven't been there. too much pain, too much bitterness, too much confusion, too little drive to stare at the blinking cursor and make it move. And above all perhaps, when it comes to here, too much fear that he would read it and lash out.

I don't know where I belong. But I do know that I am still me. I still need this thing we call D/s, I still need the physical pain he trained out of me in favor of control over all those years. I still crave control, yet have developed a deep and abiding angst around any efforts to do so. I know that I'm a monster, and I'm working with that lol.

I have learned how to take care of myself because it was that or die. And for a while, not gonna lie, I just wanted to die. I got these kids though...so I didn't.

I took care of him and the kids for years with these:

It's a rough life, and not ideal for a mother; living in the hills away from your children, only seeing them when you come home to dump piles of money on the table, and hear a week later that the rent it was intended to pay was already spent. But I was good at it. And I built a reputation on my hands and my name. My hands were good and I made my name gold. Because I could be trusted and I always landed top chair. And I belonged. With the crazies, the misfits, the storms, the underground castoffs...
Then...I couldn't do it any more. Too unstable, too dangerous, too tired of living in a tent, too tired of not seeing my kids, too tired of all the bullshit, the backstabbing, being taken advantage of, the cold and the rain. Too fucking old to be living on the hill telling people to get their fucking drugs off my table and working 18 hours a day. Too damn good at what I did to accept the wages they began offering.

So I learned something new. It's hard to start over and suck at something new. But I have learned that it is also brave, and can be well worth it. so I traded in those scissors for these:

I can't threaten to stab the people who piss me off anymore, but I do provide health insurance for my kids, I sleep inside in the same bed every night, I can support myself in a very stable manner, and I work with one crew who has my back, not because they need me, but because I have shown them who I am and we have each others backs. And I still kinda suck at it, but I do belong.

It has been a lifelong fault of mine, this desire to belong. And I have fought against it so much...But I have learned that a refusal to base my life on that desire always lands me in the places where I truly do belong.

I do belong to someone...This girl. This girl he wanted me to want because he wanted her. This girl he left me for who would have left him in a heartbeat if I had asked her to, this girl who loves me like he once did...This girl who broke my heart and put me back together when he told me over and over to just die. In a way, she's getting shorted. But she has my back.
The sub in me can't give her what she knows me to be at my core right now. What she really needs in a relationship. Yet...In a way she's also getting the best of me, because I hold my shit down. I pay the bills, and I work my ass off.

I guess...I guess I belong wherever I choose to be. And maybe that's just one of the things we learn about life along the way, that we belong where we choose. I choose to be here again. And so, as odd and strange as it is, as much as it may challenge all that I believed and pick at not-so-old wounds, I still belong here. Because I am what I am. And I built this space, and I still hold to many of the core beliefs I have expressed here.

Storm

So I changed my name here..I called myself lil, because he called me littleone. And I am no longer his littleone. Indeed, rarely can I bring myself to indulge in the much needed luxury of being little...But that is beside the point. I can no longer be lil.
So...
I became storm. Because because I am the storm. And the storm survives.

Life is amazing, and painful, and beautiful and awing, and shocking, and it will beat you down and eat you up...

Yet...Without the storm there is no harvest.

The quote that's been sitting unattended on the side of this blog for years now? I tattooed it on my wrists. And I find it no less true today than when I posted it here. One must sow to reap, and one must, in some way, labor for the reward.

 The storm...The storm makes us what we are. Plants that do not weather the wind and rain and harsh conditions are weak. They cannot survive...

Thinking Out Loud

The thing that I love about hitting publish on my blog, is that it makes the thoughts floating in my head solid. It gives them a form and shape which makes them easier to examine and understand. Often, by the time my next post goes up, my perspective on the previous one has changed.

Sometimes I think I read as unhappy, when really I'm just...Thinking out loud. Well, I am not happy about blogger lol, but everything else? Just because it can be difficult, doesn't mean it's not good.

And boy did I have some great thoughts last night before I went to sleep...They stayed somewhere out there in dreamland though.

One of the things I love about Alpha is that everything has a purpose. Sure, there are plenty of, "because I can" or, "just because I want to," but hey, I'm pretty sure I would do that too given a chance to run things around here lol.

The proactive approach to anything has never been my strong point. But I don't think that submission is necessarily by nature, a passive experience.

He is making me look at things from the perspective of him not being the only one who has to work at this. And that seems fair. Especially given that I might be am quite a lot of work lol.

This whole approach he's got going on, the one I'm having a difficult time adapting to? It makes me put a lot more thought into this whole power exchange thing. It makes me ask for what I want and admit to what I need.
Oh the horror of it all!

I need his Dominance. And that need requires that I submit.
He's right that he shouldn't have to fight me for something I want to give.

And punishment? In a way, it is kind of an absolution. Without it...I tend to spend a lot more time thinking about what I did or didn't do wrong. Not sure I like it lol. But it does make me want to be good.
And he knows that eventually, I will come crawling and ask for that absolution. Or, i could just be a good girl...

He knows what I need. And he needs for me to admit to it before making it reality.

The man knows me so well, it's almost disturbing.

He has no desire to drag me down the rabbit hole. He wants to see me jump in.
And he has always been there to catch me before I hit bottom.

Called Out On "Could It Be"

Alright, so I was going pretty strong with my rambling last post. Then I quit for coffee before asking the hard questions, and the lovely gg called me on it.

The answer to could it be that my submission runs deeper than I thought, is yes. It does.

So "what if" could be narrowed down and defined more closely as, what does that mean, for him, for me, for us? Does the acknowledgement of, or the fact itself, change anything?

Though I dunno...The what ifs, those are always the scary questions in life right?

Omgoodness, I'm already having a hard time making sense. The temptation to run away for coffee is strong...Unfortunately, I'm already on my second cup. Well, I do have other things that need doing...

Okay, okay.

I'm going to go at it backwards. As usual.

Acknowledgement of the fact and the fact itself don't really change anything for Alpha. Because well, he's been saying it for a while now.
For me? Acknowledgement is not quite the same as acceptance.

Because accepting the depth of my submission means yielding, surrender on bended knee, resignation. Letting the river carry me away and counting on him to build the dams where they belong, bank the edges before they burst, pull me out or dive in with me before the falls. Because I must accept that he will be my boat when I sink.

Admitting and accepting...That means giving him more control than he already has.

It is, as usual, a question of self acceptance more than anything else.
It means that while one can evolve, adapt, change, and grow, one cannot ever really change their true nature.
And I am left wondering, why want to do so?

It means that I am willing to go or not go to perverted extremes at his behest, that I am willing to give him all the control he wishes to have, that I will never feel completely "right" wading in the shallows.

It means that wherever he wishes to lead I will follow. Because the waters run deep, and neither of us knows completely the depths of my submission until we swim through it. That with him, I could swim into the depths of enslavement and be...Happy.

It means accepting myself for what I am. One cannot truly repress or change their true nature.
And the conflicts that arise when one tries to, those are the self-created issues that one is better off without.

And because I am seriously distracted and wondering if I'll ever truly complete this thought process...

Alpha has, unfortunately, decided that what I wants, I must ask for (totally inhumane right?), and I must admit, I'm feeling pretty pliant and submissive at this point. Though I haven't said anything. Irony much?

He said that I give him cock sucking eyes. My response was absolutely brilliant! "I don't have eyes thankyouverymuch!" Uh huh. The stupid thing is, I can feel them glazing over. And I drool.
For fuck's sake...

Just. Let. Go...

 I have a couple of very valid life things I could complain about this morning. But I think I may have something better to say...Maybe lol.

I feel like I'm in a bit of a haze. This little place where all the things I cannot change and are outside of us, are merely peripheral shadows passing in the night. This odd space where all I can focus on is him...

Letting go is a huge issue for me. Always has been. And it's quite different than "going away" (got that one down to a fine science).

I have done a lot of submission related navel gazing lately. And I have come to the conclusion that most of my issues, from attempting to dictate the terms of my submission, to sex, to my hangups about ttwd, to my attitude, all stem from not letting go.

Letting go is it's own freakin epiphany. It's one thing to see and acknowledge something, and another thing altogether to do it.

For nearly fourteen years Alpha has told me that my biggest issue is letting go--whether it be of anger and hurt, or for love, intimacy, and submission. Okay, so for our entire relationship. Yea, he's right again, still.

But I have only seemed to achieve it in moments. Some moments. Sometimes.

More and more I have been having a more consistent feeling of just...Letting go.

And quite frankly, it scares the freakin daylights out of me. Which might explain why I have never done it completely and consistently before. Sounds reasonable right?
Mmmm, maybe not so much when it is between me and a terribly deep seated need for BDSM, intimacy, letting go? I don't know that I have words for it. Which seems somehow wrong, because there should be words for what we need right?

But there aren't always. And sometimes they only come in retrospect when we look back at where we have been.
For now I cannot find the words for what I need, I cannot find a name for what I feel.

And those forms of expression somehow become less important

as long as I can look in his eyes

and see the same need there

feel our minds collide

and know in my heart

that he will lead me on this ride.

This Body Belongs To...

I had done something to my body. It was not against the rules. I had never been told I needed to ask permission for this.

But something odd happened.

I felt
incredibly
guilty.

It took me three days to tell Alpha.
Three freakin days.

And it took me so long to spit it out, I think he thought for a moment that maybe I had done something really bad.

But when I told him, he smiled at my confusion about the guilt I was feeling.

He lifted an eyebrow, gave me a self-satisfied smile, and said "you feel guilty because it's not your body to do with as you wish anymore--it's mine."

Growing Pains

Long ago I had this realization that I couldn't control my own sexuality. And since I couldn't control it, I repressed it. While my brain-to-mouth filter is terrible a bit lacking, my ability to repress things is actually rather good. I can push things so far down that even I can't seem to reach them.

I am used to being in control of desire. Well, in a one-way-street kind of manner--turning it off. Can't turn it on to save my life, but I am very good at turning desires off.

Growth can be painful. Some of the most defining experiences of my life were the most painful. But they made me grow. Unwillingly perhaps lol, but evolution nonetheless.

I'm having a little crisis of self. While I feel like I am growing and changing for the better, I also question myself--what does it mean, who will I be, how will it go? I feel like I have jumped in the deep end and never actually learned how to swim. That I am becoming someone I don't know how to be.

Alpha says that I think to much. That I am afraid of myself.
Really though, is there anything more terrifying and unavoidable as oneself? After all, there is a wanton needy whore locked up down there. And she is seriously lacking in self control.

Limbo

I was standing in the kitchen doing dishes when Alpha walked up and gave me that sincere look that just melts me and makes me weak in the knees. Cupping my face gently with His hands He looked me in the eye, and asked if I needed leniency or strictness (see, He fuddles my brain and I can't even remember exactly  what He says. That's my defense from now on).

He has been lenient since the accident. And I needed that.

What, for some reason, fuddled me up was that He asked. It's not that He never asks what I need--it's that there were two very different options. It wasn't open-ended and it's pretty clear that sitting here in limbo isn't going to work anymore. For either of us.

So I asked Him why He asked me (oh hush), and He gave me a smarmy answer ("why is the sky blue? It doesn't matter why"). I told Him the truth in a suitably chicken-shit way--I did need leniency.

It would be a lie to say that I don't know what direction we are going in from here.

But thankfully, it's out of limbo.

And hey, we were headed deeper into the abyss anyways right. Now is as good of a time as any.

The Truth Is...

We are no longer new to ttwd, our relationship is almost half as old as I am, our roles are established...And I'm still scared shitless (okay, so there's a lot wrong with that word but I'm not going there lol).

The truth is, I get off on being afraid. I also get off on feeling safe. Even better? A combination of both (figure that one out, you know you want to. Then you can tell me all about it).
But there's that other fear...The fear of needing so badly I'll beg without prompting, the fear of not just wanting Him to get me off, but desperately needing it and knowing He has the right to deny me.

That wanton little whore I was talking about? Alpha likes her but I think she's a bit of a bitch. Because she's needy and not afraid to beg for it, to admit what she wants and crawl after it, to let go absolutely and without shame. Because when she peeks out, the last vestiges of what I see as my control go up in smoke.

I have always been a one-orgasm-done, kind of girl (well, that's not exactly true--before Alpha I was a no-orgasm-done kind of girl lol). Last night as we curled up together after He had yanked three orgasms out of me from God only knows where, He asked me why I was so afraid to let go, to free that elusive, locked up, trouble making little whore who lacks boundaries, loves sucking dick, and is malleable as clay (disturbingly enough, He had not yet read yesterday's post).

I told Him it was because I couldn't control her. He laughed at me (For the record, it's not nice to laugh at the hazy sub who can't think straight), and said in that slightly condescending and excessively smarmy tone, "Control? You think you still have control?" Oops, well, uhhh, kinda? Nope.

My body was done, my limbs felt like jelly, my mind was mush, my stomach was cramping...And I wanted more.

The truth is--I'm afraid to let go. I think it's my biggest issue surrounding sex, intimacy, and ttwd in general. As much as I love that place Alpha affectionately calls the abyss, I prefer to peek over the edge, dip my toes in the water, flounder around in the shallows, and beat a hasty retreat to safety.

But we both know we are to much all or nothing for that to last forever. That we thrive on that connection, the spark, the fire, the things that happen when we leap over the edge without looking back.

I get off on being afraid. I get off on being safe. And the combination of both brings me to my knees begging to please.

The truth is, there's this wanton little whore that I have kept locked away for a very long time. And I don't know that I have the ability or desire to keep her chained any more.

Evolution of limiting thought forms

Okay, so now that the cleaning is out of the way, literally and figuratively lol, I may have something semi-interesting to say. lol, at least for myself.

Inspiration and evolution are two of the topics I find most fascinating in life. Inspiration maybe because it was such a big deal to my dad. But it will also lead you to new realizations, big steps, and, well, evolution.
My post yesterday had a lot to do with how I feel about who and what Alpha and I have become as a couple. There have been many steps along the way that got us to where we are today. Some baby steps and some leaps of faith that cannot be measured. Not all of them have been easy or enjoyable but they have all led us to where we stand now.
Often it's easy to slide into thought forms that limit who we are and what we are capable of becoming. Either because we are afraid, have formed the opinion that we don't like something before trying it, or because sometimes it's easier not to take a leap into the unknown (I'm sure there are more, but I noticed my posts are reading like I have been hard lining caffeine, so I'll keep the listings short lol). Everything evolves. At least to a certain extent. If we don't, life is stagnant and unchanging. We limit our ability to learn and grow.
Limits themselves evolve. If you had asked me in the beginning whether watersports would ever be considered, I would have said you were nuts. After events like kneeling in the bathtub, waiting in anticipation, and being pissed all over, I can safely say that limit has evolved and I no longer see it as such. Maybe part of the attraction is that I used to be so adamantly against it. I don't know. I truly believe that some limits will never change for us. They are basic limits that a lot of people new to the concept of BDSM seem to take for granted as applying to everyone (kids, dead people, shit like that). Though there are some that are just limits for us and that's fine--bloodsports and anyone else Dominating me are what come to mind (I feel compelled to add that for Alpha, it's another man Dominating me. Personally I feel very strongly that were He to ever allow another woman to Dominate me, I might hand Him her eyeballs. But that doesn't mean it won't ever happen I suppose).

Anyways, stepping outside of limits in a BDSM context, the point is, there are many limiting thought forms that are easy to succumb to. Maybe some are actually healthy. But if you never peek out, how will you see the vastness of possibility and evolution in action?

I'm sure I have not done the topic quite the justice it deserves but I will probably revisit it in the future because I think far to much.

Another shift

Sometimes I go through periods of being obstinate and out of sorts right before another shift (totally stole use of the word "shift" from greengirl "whatiwonder" over on the right). I started noticing it last night. Ironically, we were kind of out of kilter at the time. I used to only notice shifts in my submission or our dynamic after they happened; one of those hindsight is always 20/20 things. Dammit, this was all so clear in my head as I was passing out last night lol. Maybe it was going to work with the words "slut, whore, mine" written all over my thighs (denim seems to make permanent marker wear off fairly well btw lol. A bit less hazardous than varnish remover), that made me focus on things more.
I love Alpha's control. And for some reason, I fight it most objectionable right before I realize that I want more and begin wishing He would push it further, exercise more control (yea, shit like that always leads too those "wtf have I done" moments). I love when He causes me pain and talks me through it, tells me how to take it, speaks kindly and firmly while doing brutal things to my body. I have often wondered why being talked to like that has such a deep impact and changes the experience so completely...

I spent a lot of time repressing my inner slut which in turn repressed me sexually. A lot. I still do keep it locked down somewhat. I love the way I feel when I don't. I enjoy feeling sensual and sexual and, well, not repressed lol. But I'm still afraid of what happens when I just let go. Because it shows in my interactions with the outside world. And in all truth, my past actions earned some of the terms of "endearment" He uses with me. So, for example, I go out of my way not to notice men I find attractive. Which overall I think has increased my issues with jealousy of other women because I deny that it's a human trait to find members of the opposite sex attractive. At the same time, I wonder when the fuck I began finding myself looking at certain men, laughing, and thinking "I would chew you up and spit you out..."
And the denial, it's no good. Alpha gets off making me admit that I want to be used, have all my holes filled at once, be fucked like the dirty whore I have spent so much time denying. He makes me admit it to Him. And I wonder, why sometimes still, do I have such a difficult time admitting it to myself and just accepting and being it?
Another shift is happening. I feel the abyss calling, whispering, saying it's time to take another leap further in. Willingly give Alpha a little bit more, take another step out of my "little box" and let Him finally crush it all the way so there's no going back in. Accept that I have no limits besides the ones He sets because I trust Him and what He chooses. Completely.

So much for clarity lol.

Growing

Lately, i have been thinking about how we change and grow. Specifically M. We have learned ttwd together and wow has He ever evolved. It's like He took the concept of Dominance and dove in head first. Not a big stretch when it's been a part of one's personality forever i guess. Still, for as brutal as it can be, Dominance is a fine art; most of it mental. Throwing out things that didn't work, putting new tools in His box (and no, i don't mean the toy box), He just keeps on getting better at it. It makes me wonder sometimes, where we will be in five years, ten years, fifteen years...It's a bit like watching a lion break out of his cage--it's beautiful and dangerous, and self preservation tells you you should climb out of the ring but you want to see what he will do with his freedom. Then you realize that he was never really caged in the first place, he's just been biding his time waiting for you to open the door. And it's a glorious thrilling experience with no turning back because you are either all in or all out and there's no getting out now.
No doubt M will read this and take the opportunity to scold be about the dangers of chasing mountain lions (literally). But you know...i have always found them to be spectacular and enthralling creatures. How could a girl walk away from that?

Romance

I woke up this morning with that annoying feeling of a head cold settling in. i am scheduled to work tomorrow and as there are no other attendants not on holiday, i can't just have someone cover my shift for me (it's against my bosses "rules" to show up sick. Though i'm 99% sure i got it from him anyways). i'll have to get over it by tomorrow lol.
M has been absolutely miserable this last couple of weeks. He has a broken tooth, no painkillers, and the dentist rescheduled Him twice into January. It's kind of odd how different things are now from before we were D/s. Before, His pain and/or sickness incurred what i assume are fairly standard feelings--sympathy, compassion for His suffering, wishing i could make it better, etc. Now it's all those things and something else that is difficult to put into words but is much harder to cope with. It's a feeling almost like my personal world is out of wack. Like things are not as they should be and are out of His control which is much more disconcerting than when things are out of my control lol.
M let me sleep all night (that's an awesome event when you are living off four hours of sleep and have a 2 year old that wakes up every hour). It's amazing how, once you have children, the most sweet and romantic thing in the world is having a husband who is willing to sleep on the couch so you can drool uninterrupted on your own pillow all night. i often kind of wish that we had discovered our dynamic before we had children just because of the vast range of experiences and possibilities that cannot be indulged with little people always running around. At the same time though, i was a different person and so was my body. i doubt i could have handled it on any level. Ironically, His Dominant tendencies were what attracted me most to Him in the first place (though being over six feet tall and gorgeous didn't hurt lol). The thing is, as He points out, i wanted Him but had absolutely NO idea what to do with Him ( i was fifteen, cut me a little slack. He doesn't).
i'm not sure why i am thinking about all of this today. Maybe it's because life is so different now than it was this time last year. It's amazing and disturbing how much your life can change over the course of one year. Plans are made and change, children grow, loved ones die, relationships evolve. This has been one hell of a year and i sure hope the one to come is a lot smoother.
In the end, all i know is that i love Him more now than ever before and life is to precious and short just to let it pass you by.

Death shows you what you are Really made of

Interesting things happen when someone you love is dying (i know that sounds callous, but i feel i'm in a position to be callous about death if i want to lol). First, you realize what the dying person is made of. i mean, who they Really are under the facade of humanity. Then, the fun part: you discover what You are made of. If you think you're tough, if you think you're weak--what you Think you are doesn't matter because it's going to be stripped away. By the time that person dies, you will no longer be who you were before. How you cope in those moments will show you what you're made of underneath your facade of humanity. After that, you see with blinding clarity what Other people are made of. Grown men may cry on your shoulder, women will call you weeping and begging for comfort (really, it's ridiculous. i had to screen all my mother's calls for a week. i may be weak at times, but some people are just pathetically selfish). You will see who really cares when the shit hits the fan. Some will sit the death watch by your side, some will bring you food and something to ease your loved one's pain, some will run away and cry, some will stay away as if death itself is contagious, and some will dig a six foot hole by the light of the moon. Then, when your loved on is securely in the ground, the shell of who they used to be hidden forever from the light of day, most of those people will fade away.  To afraid to see what they are really made of.
i am not now who i was before. But now i know what i am made of.

The bullshit we make for ourselves

 If you're looking for something to read that isn't depressing, i suggest skipping this post and scrolling down lol.

Well, it's my day off and in the typical fashion of late, nothing has gone as it was supposed to. i woke up with that lovely back pain that says "yes, you need to give in a go get it worked on, but you're going to work all week instead," and M has spent His day mucking around with the septic system so we are getting no time together and i can't really blame Him for being in a terrible mood.

Right before my dad died, he said "the only things that matter are love and family. Everything else is just bullshit we make for ourselves." And it's really true. Of course, he was on his way out of this world, so all that bullshit we make for ourselves and it's impact on life, love, and family didn't matter to him anymore. It really hit me last night how very much i miss him. For a while i felt overwhelming grief, then a kind of numbness. Now i just miss him terribly. i am who i am because of him. At least he had the good graces to apologize lol (no, really, it was a Hallmark moment that sums up my family--when he was dying i told him, "i am who i am today because of you," his reply was "yea, sorry about that hehe"). The missing is almost worse than that initial grief. In the beginning all of my emotions seemed so pure and clear. Now that he's nothing more than a fading memory, a man my youngest son will forget, a picture on the wall, grief is like a rippling pool of murky water. i'm stuck in it and i can't get out. There are very few things in life that we can count on continuously, like the saying about death and taxes being life's only certainties. Well, for me, it was death, taxes and dad. i guess i'm down to death and taxes now lol. He was 57 years old when he died. He was loyal, sweet, an asshole, a gardener, a grandfather, and above all else, an honest human being who loved being inspired and believed integrity and truth were the core of goodness. He was my father and i miss him more than i ever thought i could.

All i can seem to see these days is the bullshit we have made for ourselves, the ineptitude of humanity, and the cynical side of life on earth. Like a lot of people, i'm overworked, underpaid, miss my kids, and wish i could just get shit straight once and for all. Sometimes it's just all a bit to much.

Coffee and french toast

Been sick for days and had to miss work again which kind of sucks because we really needed the check, but such is life.
Been thinking a lot lately about M's desire to play with another woman. Jealousy is a really hard emotion for me to control. I used to check out other women with Him. He asked me what changed and i had no response, but i did think about it. The conclusion i came to is that i used to be a lot happier with my body. i'm far more comfortable with who i am now, and i know that i don't have an ugly body, came back down to a bit underweight after both kids, but i used to have an awesome body and it's not coming back lol. I decided to take a different approach to the whole playing with someone else thing. If i'm really going to do as He has asked, i need to approach it in a very me kind of way. i guess it's taking an emotional chance by trying to find someone i can talk to and be friends with, because it will create more of an emotional connection between them as opposed to just a random plaything here and there, but if i don't, jealousy is going to eat me up more i think. i also discovered something rather personally irritating to me--i am far more disturbed by women who are disrespectful and untruthful with Him than i am with Him playing with another. Actually, it really pisses me off lol. He told me that if He ever were to physically be with another woman, it had to be someone i could sit and have coffee with in the morning. Okay, so when i'm feeling unstable, the concept of having coffee and french toast with a woman my husband just fucked is really horrifying. At the same time, D/s is about trust. We can't go vanilla for the night to accommodate someone else so she has to be submissive, or at least comfortable with it, which means she has to feel comfortable and safe enough with us to be a part of that dynamic and have coffee and french toast too, so it's a two way street.
Anyways, those are the musings of my illness laden mind for the morning lol. My house is completely thrashed from everyone being sick so i had better get off my ass and do something about it.

All in

"You're either all in or out little one." So, we have been on this road for a while now, but there's something to say for evolution I guess. M spent a lot of time repressing parts of himself and I think He's done with that now. We were talking about other women. A subject that's a bit difficult for me to swallow as it's often accompanied with a heap of jealousy and a side-serving of guilt do to my past fuck-ups. M pointed out that I can't continue to submit within the box of my comfort zone and it's time to be all in or get off this train so to speak. "How far down the rabbit hole can you go little one?" The truth is, i don't know and M doesn't either. When He said it was time for me to chose to take the next step or step off the path, He said I needed to think carefully about my choice because there was no going back once the decision was made. Well, it's all in from here on out and I guess we shall see how far down the rabbit hole we can go.

Life...

Life is kicking my ass. The circle of life sure as hell feels like a washing machine set on high. I used to think we led very stable lives. I knew where we were, had an idea of where we were going, and life was just...life. After our move fell through, leaving us in the worst financial situation we have ever been in, a dear friend of M's died, I got a job, and my father became deathly ill. I feel like the world as I knew it to be is gone. M keeps me halfway sane. He's the only stability in my life. But it's been really hard on M too. He has never had to stay home with the boys which is it's own special brand of insanity no matter how much you love your kids. My fathers downturn has been really painful for M as well. He has been M's best friend for years even though it has been difficult over the past months due to father's illness beginning to impact his mind a bit. M is facing being the head of a family consisting of myself, my mother, and his two younger sisters and the responsibility coupled with impending loss is weighing heavily on Him.
Working is messing with my general flow of life. It's been ten years since I had a job outside the home. I discovered that I hate cleaning and taking care of running a house (that's my work, I care for an ill man which means I clean, cook, run errands, and basically help him run his life). In retrospect, I kind of enjoy those things at home because of M. Doing those things as an expression of love and submission brings some semblance of joy to those menial tasks and without that they are little more than mind-numbing and meaningless actions that give me the time for to much thought.
I am having a difficult time with submission lately. In a way it keeps me sane, but these days my mind just won't shut up and get out of my way enough to fall completely into space like I usually do. Life seems so full of pain and worry that there is room for little else in me. In my deepest moments of sadness, kneeling at M's feet, I know that I will always be okay as long as I can rest there where I belong. The condition I have been in, that doesn't ease my mind as it should. I just end up worrying about M's health and praying that I never go through what my mother is going through now after 30 years of marriage. He is the glue that keeps me together. Without Him, my existance would feel completely meaningless.
The little one is up and having a fit, so I need to hang out with him a bit before I head out into the world for the day. And what a crazy world it is.

Upside down and inside out

I have to say, the last month of my life has been a rollercoaster ride towards hell and it's just not coming back up the other side anytime soon. Our move fell though and no one wants to pay M the money they owe, which has left us in a terrible monetary situation. I started working 40 hours a week since M doesn't have work for the first time in ten years. It wasn't working for M so I'm cutting back to 24 hours a week. I'm not bringing in enough money to pay the bills and it's kind of depressing working in a caretaker poisition and cleaning someone else's house. I realised that my joy in a neat house comes from my expectations that M will enjoy it. Without that, not even the monetary reward of getting payed to do it brings that much satisfaction (okay, if I was actuaslly making enough money to pay the bills, it would probably be more satisfying lol). We are still keeping our eyes out for a house, but we have to much debt to qualify for a loan right now and recent events unrelated to our move have made us decide that we are definately staying here for a bit longer, probably until mid-winter or spring.
My father is dying. He's been ill for a long time, but now the downward spiral just keeps on getting worse. He refuses to go to the hospital which, while I kind of wish he would, I am not surprised about. I knew he wouldn't choose to die any different than he lived. I don't know if it will be a few months or weeks, not having a medical perspective to go on. It's incredibly painful to see him in so much pain with my mom disintigrating beside him. It's all really fucking with me. Between being out in the world working (something I am not used to at all), my fathers illness, and M's health issues, I feel like my life is disintigrating around me. I have developed this overwhelming fear of not having M in my life. We have been together since I was 15, being owned completely and facing a death close to me, the thought of possibly ever losing M, my owner, my lover, my husband, my Master, my life, is eating me up. When I was a kid, my father was my best friend. Whenever I was sick and woke up at night, he was always awake reading and watching over me. For the last 12 years, M has been my best friend in the whole world on every level and I couldn't live without Him. Life just seems like to much to handle sometimes.
Last night after M used me, I cried. Not the a few tears well up quietly cried, outright sobbing. M just held me and told me to let it out. Then He said He may know me better than I know myself, but He doesn't always understand me. I think it was just the release of orgasm and being in space making me let go of my pent up emotions and fears.
Life has been so sad lately. In a way, anger is what holds me together, without it I feel like I'm a mess. I have plenty of it I guess lol. Getting screwed over on both a friendship and monetary level to the extent we did, makes me mad. Our so called friends rounded it off by going to my parents where my father is obviously dying on the couch and my mom is a mess and basically stole a 3,000 dollar car from them. I bitch a lot, but when it comes right down to the wire, I generally back off and cool my shit. This time, I think it's a good thing they moved like we were supposed to. I have witnessed umm, I'll call them revelation moments, that change someones life in a big way and usually seems to involve the offending party with a gun to their head. I have never been on the giving end, but this time I really thought about it. If M wasn't a more stable person than I, it might have really happened.
I miss feeling stable. I feel like the world as I knew it has turned upside down and inside out.