Huge and Absolutely Ridiculous Kink...Wait, Is That Even A Kink?

So umm, I've rebuilt myself fairly well, (in my own opinion, of course) however; sub me doesn't really function for shit lately. I guess maybe when you remake so much of your life you just have to take it one piece at a time?

Thing is, I've had a while now lol...

I struggle with writing about D/s in this space these days. Partly because I've been kind of stuck, but mostly because there is always the chance that one day he will drop in and read again.
This...That huge part of me that I explored with him for so long...It was the part of me he shredded the most. And I'd be lying if I said I didn't dread the potential outcome of every chance I take in opening myself back up to that. We became the opposite of the idea of BDSM which stirs my heart body and soul.

But I digress from my original train of thought...

See, I've got this Domme girl. And we've put together a life, and have both rebuilt ourselves from scratch. Together. So I have a safe and healthy space to open the door for the sub. We have been D/s for years to varying extents...We're just...I think that in a way we have both challenged each other greatly as we rebuilt, and falling back into our rhythm has been difficult...

Still digressing from my original train of thought...

All of the above meanderings stemmed from one original musing about something I have identified as a huge, and possibly absolutely ridiculous kink. And is it really even a kink?? I mean, it feels like one lol.
The feeling of safety. Physical, emotional, and spiritual safety. It's a huge turn on. And when when it's coupled with painful or terrifying things with an occasional hint of tenderness? To be tortured, yet secure in being truly treasured...Yea...That. Safety provides for the luxury of true vulnerability, and that is hot as hell to me.

Safety allows for a lowering of defenses, and I have found that it is only in the lowering all of my defenses that I become free to truly experience submission and its dangers to the fullest.

I guess...I need to fly again... To wrestle and succumb to the dragon...I just have to take the leap and believe it won't devour me completely. Or perhaps more accurately, hope that it doesn't chew me up and spit me out. After all, being devoured is itself a huge part of the appeal.

Finding Beauty in the Beast

It is interesting what we find when we pull away the layers of what we believe ourselves to be.
We see life in a new light when what we think is ugly becomes beautiful.

From an outside standpoint, tears are not pretty, pain is not graceful, and there is very little of what we call beauty in the raw state of being created when everything we think ourselves to be is stripped away.

Yet...There is beauty in the beast. Because stripping away the superficial takes away all that is impure, everything that is not truly real, and leaves us as we really are.

Underneath our fears, underneath everything we think we are are, behind what we want people to see, on the far side of darkness, beyond our inner scars and outer turmoil, there is beautiful and terrifying truth.

There is beauty in humiliation.
There is purification in pain.
There is freedom in bondage and control.
There is release in blood sweat, tears, and fear.

Daily life is very much about constructs--what we want people to see, who we think we are, the superficial aspects of reality wherein we place so much import.
But underneath it all, we are very basic and primal creatures.
Life is about birth, death, survival, love, joy, pain, blood, and tears.
So many of these things which to which we ascribe ugliness, are truly beautiful underneath the surface--because they transcend the superficial face that we place on our reality.

There is love in the sadist, and pleasure in the masochist.
There is freedom in slavery, and strength in submission.
There is danger in the beast, and safety at Master's feet.
There is blindness in the light, and purity in the darkness.

So much of what we spend time on and think about is superficial.
We get swept away by our need for survival, the demands of our cultures, our preconceived notions of beauty and propriety, the defining concepts of society, and the scars we carry from old wounds.
It becomes easy to forget that underneath it all, we are perfect beings struggling with being human.
Some of us want what we need, others need what we want.
And within all those struggles of being human, we forget the art of simply being.

There is ugliness in beauty, and there is beauty within every beast.
There is infinite release in being broken, and tender cruelty in the act of breaking.
There is cleanliness in BDSM, and denial in the pursuit of purity.
There is safety in vulnerability and danger behind walls.

I think that what is so attractive about the Master, is the seemingly conflicting fact that inside the white knight there lies a villain, within the rescuer lies one's abductor, and the purveyor of one's fears carries the ultimate security.

Perhaps what is attractive about the slave is placing the queen on her knees, the surrender when her will becomes one's own, the freedom of caging the untouchable, the beautiful truth that appears when she is stripped down to nothing more and nothing less than what she is--the owning of something truly wild and previously untouched by the world.

Sometimes, when we stop looking and close our eyes--we find that there is beauty in the beast.

Abhorrent Predilections

I read DD blogs, D/s blogs, the occasional sex blog (okay, only if it has D/s. I'm terribly biased), in short--I have been known to find myself all over the place in Blogland. Especially given the time to do so, which admittedly, hasn't been much lately.

But I have noticed some rather prevalent thoughts and comments on the occasional DD blog--the thought that sadism and BDSM in general are unhealthy predilections and those who participate (or are seen as doing so by the occasional judgmental commenter), are mentally unhealthy people.

 Being the freaky thing that I am, I find these kinds of statements rather irritating.

Inevitably, the Blogger will come to the defense of themselves or their significant other, "He (I), am not a sadist! It is inconceivable to be seen that way!"
And that's fine, no one really wants to be seen as something they aren't (okay, well a fair amount of people do, but only when it comes to something they conceive of as being a good thing). And we are all certainly prone to defend ourselves and our loved ones. Especially when our relationship is good.

The thing is, such defenses seem to only compound the belief that sadomasochism and D/s are bad things--as if pain and the taking and giving of power are only acceptable in a disciplinary format.

I'm not dissing on DD or the people who practice it--whatever floats the boat. If it works for you and your marriage, more power to you! It's a wonderful thing. And I find that many of the DD blogs I read exhibit an amount of humor that leaves me grinning from ear to ear.

Sometimes it just looks like people see DD as pure, whereas BDSM is some abhorrent predilection to be grouped with rapists and people of poor moral ilk.

Just because someone likes to spank his wife, does not make him a controlling sadist. And even if he is, so what?
There's a difference between the controlling sadist and the abusive jerk. Promise. That's not to say that the two are mutually exclusive, just that one does not automatically equal the other.

I do not see BDSM in general as an unhealthy predilection. Though I can see how it could be for some people. The thing is? Those people have bigger issues that they choose to express through BDSM.

I have fantasies that make even Alpha raise his eyebrows, and ones that make me cringe to admit to him. I enjoy things that some people probably find quite abhorrent.
But I will be the first person to haul someone's kid out of the street, help an abused woman find a new life, and promote death by beating for child molesters.
People give me the keys to their homes because they know they will never have to doubt the safety of their houses and the things in them.

Alpha undoubtedly has a sadistic streak. But he will be the first person to step in if he thinks someone is being abusive to a woman, child, or animal. He will (sometimes rather unfortunately), give almost anyone a second chance and a hand up (as long as they weren't guilty of one of the above infractions).

We are what we are. And just because some of us like our canvas painted with slightly different colors, does not mean that one wide brush can paint us all as having abhorrent predilections.

Transcending the Blueprint

I believe that sometimes we very much become what we have learned to be. And it can be rather difficult to get beyond that. That's not always a bad thing. It just depends on what we have learned.

I think that one of the reasons I crave D/s and the closeness that comes with it is because of the way it helps me to step outside of the bonds of physical reality and into the one we create for ourselves.

In 1960, Maxwell Maltz proposed that,

"We all carry with us a mental blueprint or picture of ourselves. It has been built up from our own beliefs about ourselves. But most of these beliefs about ourselves have unconsciously been formed from our past experience, our successes and failures, our humiliations, our triumphs, and the way other people have related to us, especially in early childhood. From all these we mentally construct a "self" (or a picture of a self). Once an idea or a belief about ourselves goes into this picture it becomes "true" as far as we personally are concerned. We do not question its validity, but proceed to act upon it just as if it were true."

I do find it a bit odd to be posting quotes from a plastic surgeon/self help author. Still, I found it and thought that it was an interesting concept lol.

It's an interesting concept to me because of what happens in those moments when I step away from that blueprint.

As a client observed yesterday, I have a pretty firm grasp of who I am (by this point in life I kinda think I damn well should). But that grasp is often defined by circumstances and what we think ourselves to be.

I don't think that our blueprint is necessarily a bad thing--it gives us an individual basis for existence and makes us unique. Our blueprint helps us function and define who we are within the context of the world.

By the same token, we see the world through the veil of our own beliefs--the thoughts and ideals that we have formed over time.

BDSM, that deep space and connection formed when Dominating and submitting, helps me to transcend that blueprint. I also believe that D/s helps us change the basics of that blueprint.

In those moments of submission is when I leave the blueprint behind and simply exist as I am--without those preconceived notions of who I am and how things are or should be.

In that space we create, all previous ideas and ideals fade away. Lines blur and the basic blueprint of my beliefs, thoughts, and troubles, disappear.

That is where I am only his. Nothing more, and nothing less.

Fuck my Mind, or--Mindsex at it's Best

I said "Fuck my mind", not "Fuck with my mind". There's a very large difference between the two. And it is perhaps an exceptionally crude description of the former.

I never took physics or chemistry (at any level), so this is not going to be a very technical post because technically, I have no idea what I'm talking about. Let's just cover a couple of basics then I'll drift off into that abstract stuff I love so much.
I got a few questions last time I mentioned this concept, so I'll try to cover my bases a bit more this time lol.

If we need to be logical about things (not my strong point, I'll admit)...

Energy is an indirectly observed quantity that cannot be created or destroyed. Matter is equivalent to energy in accordance with it's mass, and energy can be transferred from one system to another (thank you Wikipedia).

Everything in the Universe is energy because energy is the building block of all matter. The sub-atomic particles of our bodies are pure energy, and we each generate an energy field that extends outside of our bodies.

Thoughts are a powerful form of energy because they move through time and space in a way that our physical bodies do not (you would think this belief would make me less of a cynic, but at least I have plenty of room to evolve lol).

When we talk about BDSM, we tend to focus on the physical aspects and the effect it has on our minds. Often neglected from the sub side is the focus and energy it takes to Dominate. And while the physical focus is important, the mental focus is what creates the control that makes those physical circumstances possible.

It is a circular symbiotic feeding of need on both sides of the power equation.

With enough focus of thought and energy, Alpha can make me dripping wet by touching nothing more than my head (though I have found that a hand on my head and one on my sacrum is the most intense. Maybe it has something to do with completing the loop...). Anyways, that's saying something, given the fact that I seem to be "Exceptionally difficult to turn on".
It is a very simple concept though, and the base of it is an exchange of power manifested in the focus and exchange of energy.
It's a bit like flying dreams where trying to hard makes it so you can't get off the ground, and you have to keep your mind on that even middle road to actually fly.

In one way or another, at one time or another, intentionally or not, and to varying extents--we all experience this exchange of energy because we are energy.

Where was I, ooh yes--mindsex lol.

If he goes to fast or takes me down at a speed I can't keep up with, I get an extremely unpleasant bout of vertigo and he has to bring me back up enough for me to be solid in reality before continuing. This usually only occurs if I am resisting and can cause a mild state of panic. Because I'm focusing on the sensation of loss of self more than the attachment to him.

I think that subspace (you know, that little term we all define differently but seems to be the only word we have for a particular experience),  is an energetic event that manifests itself in a mental state which impacts our physical reality.

Energy is why sex is not equal to intimacy, and physical proximity does not equal closeness.

There are Differences Between Abuse and BDSM

In all fairness to my readers, possible triggers and disagreeable opinions ahead. Other reads are on the right.

I wanted to do a BDSM versus abuse post last summer, but I just couldn't cool off enough for it not to be a rant. Then the inspiration faded and I never wrote it. Given that thing1 has repeatedly reverted to her previous abuser, I have been inspired again.

These are of course, merely my opinions, and they aren't changing anytime soon. So feel free to disagree. That's the beauty of the internet--everyone gets their two cents.
Of course, the beauty of blogging is getting to give your own two cents to your hearts content.
And where else am I going to jump up on my soap box and preach to the masses? We call the people who do it on street corners crazy, those who do it on blogs are bloggers. Snazzy huh.

So for those of you who arrive here by searching for the term "the difference between BDSM and abuse", here's my ten cents.

There's no doubt thing1 needs someone to take her in hand. And I can't help but wonder if what she was looking for before the drugs, before the jerk, before she became what she is now, was something resembling a D/s relationship.

I have seen it written that the difference between BDSM and abuse is consent--an abused woman doesn't give her consent to be beaten and controlled, whereas a submissive has given her consent.
I disagree. While the circumstance are quite different, consent is given by presence--thing1 has given jerk consent to beat the crap out of her because she keeps going back for more.

Sounds cold doesn't it? And it does come from a bit of a cynical place, but I still believe it to be true.
I do realize that some women don't have anyone in their lives to support them and help them escape, but many do. And they just don't take the option.

And neither is knowing the difference between right and wrong the key element here. Thing1 once tried to tell me she could be with shithead now because he's grown--now he knows that what he did was wrong.
I beg to differ. He knew it was wrong to beat her head into the pavement. He just did it anyways. People do things they know are wrong all the time. Knowing that you have done something wrong doesn't make you a better person--it just means you're not a complete psychopath.

That being said, there are truly psychopathic people in this world who are capable of extreme and horrific abuse. I think those are the ones who are capable of digging their claws so far into someone's mind, the other person becomes somewhat incapable of separating themselves.

So if consent and knowledge of doing wrong aren't the defining differences, than what are?

I believe there are many. And I will probably miss quite a few of them. After all, this subject could be debated endlessly.

In my mind, one of the biggest differences is that abusive relationships come from a loss of control on the abuser's part; whereas, BDSM is very much about control--submissive gives control, Dominant exercises self control in the exertion of his will.

In abusive relationships, there seems to be a lot of "it's my fault" from the abused, and quite a bit of "you shouldn't have made me lose my temper--it's your fault" from the abuser.
I believe that responsibility is a hallmark of Dominants. Specifically, personal responsibility. An abuser is never responsible for their actions--it's the fault of the abused for provoking the anger.

In my relationship, actions have consequences and punishment can be one of those consequences. That is our arrangement and it works just fine for us.
Now, if he loses his temper and comes unglued (which is quite rare), it's Not my fault.

An abusive relationship also has the markings of the abused partner not being of equal value (contrary to popular opinion, equal value is not the same as equal footing), they are somehow not up to par and must be changed. Who they are is not acceptable, their input is not welcome, what is acceptable one day may not be the next.
Alpha's Dominance has released and enhanced who I am. It has never sought to change who I inherently am as a person--instead it brings out the parts of me I deny, tempers the parts of me that need work, and encourages my evolution as myself.

Then there is emotion.
Abuse occurs in anger and causes fear of real harm.
Fear is the tool that an abusive partner most often uses to keep the other person with them. It is the binding that holds them together. Not love, not intimacy, not the experience itself.

Alpha occasionally slaps me. Does it bother me? Well, no. Interesting things happen in my mind when he does it. But he has never once touched me in anger. Do I fear that he will harm me? No. Occasionally I may fear the things he could choose to do, or implements he may decide to use, but not him.
And yea, as he says, I'm a bit of a twisted kitty and to some extent, I get off on fear.

Of course, intent plays it's part too...
In a D/s oriented relationship, the best interests of the submissive and the relationship are reflected in a Dominants actions. Of course, what is in our best interests is not always what we want or like, but it is not detrimental.

BDSM can be subtle, children don't witness it, and the undertones of D/s can occur in a manner that slides right over their heads. Abuse occurs regardless of the presence of children and its impacts on their well-being. You will not walk into my house and see busted furniture, broken baubles, and children cowering in the corner crying that daddy hit mommy.

I believe that BDSM is, among many other things, about exploring possibilities, growing as a person, and accepting who you are.
It is intimacy with pleasure and pain, the experience of stripping away superficial trappings, an exchange of power for the mutual growth and benefit of Dominant and submissive.

This is not all to say that the two are mutually exclusive--that there is no such thing as an abusive relationship between people who practice BDSM. I think that when those lines blur, we are actually looking at the worst culmination of both worlds with the most destructive impacts on the abused.
It's not something I intend to ramble about here as I really have no clear personal perspective on it.

Trauma Junky or Intensity Addict?

Ooh la la. It's just me, the little guy, a pound of coffee, and a huge pile of laundry for the whole entire afternoon!

I haven't been to happy with the direction my blog has taken lately. It seems like all the non D/s aspects of life really took it over and that's not what it is supposed to be about. On the other hand, it's a great reflecting board for me and when the D/s fades on my blog, it just shows me that it's faded to much from daily life.
I could claim that I've been all systems go "I'm a behaving and super awesome sub." But hey, no real point in lying right lol.

I have been called a trauma junky (I'll take my trauma without that heaping side order of drama though please). And maybe it's true to a certain extent. I thrive in the midst of trauma--it's the banality of misery that often follows that I have a hard time with.
I don't think it's so much about the trauma as it is about intensity though. As humans, we have a tendency to lie to ourselves and some experiences strip away our ability to do so because in those moments, there is nothing but reality.

Birth, death, joy, pain, sweat, blood, and tears. BDSM.

The raw purity in the intensity of life events that challenge everything we see ourselves to be. The circumstances that strip away all the meaningless things we let ourselves believe are important...That is where I am at my best. And yea, maybe sometimes those circumstances are me on my knees at His feet with tears pouring down my face. But they are still where I find the most wonder in life. Those circumstances without sugar coating and filtering. Where words become meaningless and all that is and will be exists only in that moment.
That is the space I love most and it has the potential to be an unhealthy addiction. But I think it's one of the reasons I find BDSM so attractive and addictive. Without a steady fix, I get hung up on the little shit. Those meaningless events and beliefs that we let have so much power in our lives.

In a couple of weeks, Alpha and I will have been together for 13 years. In that time we have experienced births, deaths, unimaginable joy and pain, and a plethora of events I would have never predicted in our lives. It's been a rough road worth every step and crazy wrong turn. But one of our most amazing discoveries has been ttwd. It allowed us to unleash parts of who we are that would have otherwise remained locked away in the closets of our minds. It gave Him tools to break through my walls and reach that place where sometimes it feels like not even our skin stands between us.
And the intensity addict in me loves every bit of it.

As a side note, I really appreciate everyone who comments. I like to respond to every comment and lately I just haven't been able to have the blog up much. So for every comment I haven't responded to, be it humorous and funny, or deep and insightful--thank you.

Say it, Do it, Be it

In the beginning, ttwd was talk. It was an idea, a concept lacking solidity--an experiment waiting for action. The words seemed awkward, the place they led unknown.
Then is became something we do. An action, a part of life. Those actions started in the bedroom where I requested they stay. We soon discovered that keeping it confined to the bed wasn't going to work--ttwd had to be a part of daily life, not just something we played at under the covers.
And so it became many pieces of the puzzle that is our relationship. It ebbs and flows like anything else in life but it has become an integral part of our day-to-day life.

As circumstance would have it, I ended up in a position of Dominance, dealing with a bunch of crap over the weekend. Alpha couldn't come help me take care of it, so I was on my own for some pretty serious events. Everything went smoothly and circumstances were also kind enough (or disappointing enough, depending on my mood lol), to allow me to pretty much wrap things up without further bloodshed.

Normally, when I have to be very Dominant, I don't slip back into my place well at all. "You want do stick what where?! *&)((^%$##!, I think not!" Forever gracious lol, as always.

When I finally stumbled back in the door Saturday night? Oh I was ALL His. No sidestepping, backtracking protesting (okay, well maybe just enough to make getting His way rewarding), or otherwise attempting to avoid my place. Oddly enough, I had no desire to resist what turned out to be a rather painful evening lol.
And that calculating detached look He was giving me? Whole new experience.

And thus I believe we are entering another evolution in ttwd--from doing to being.
And I wonder if it goes on like this forever, this evolution of D/s. Do you get to where you're going and stay there, or is it always evolving and changing? Because every time I think we have come close to the bottom of the abyss? I discover that we aren't even close.

The Attractions of Addiction

 While I do have physical cravings, for the most part, I crave things that have very little to do with physical interactions. True, there's nothing quite like walking through the kitchen innocently minding my own business , and finding myself grabbed by the throat and pushed up against a wall (yes, I may have just erroneously suggested that I actually have business that's my own and called myself innocent, all in one sentence. Pffbbtt). Yet at the same time, what I crave about such moments is the mindset it puts me in. How those little reminders of my place and His make me feel inside. Not just the incredible physical sensation of having His hand wrapped around my throat (yes, my throat's still all jacked up, can you tell I've been missing certain things lol).

What I'm getting at in my own roundabout way, it that I crave the mental and energetic aspects of ttwd far more than the physical. Physical activities, while enjoyable (well, you know...), are often just another path to results that have very little to do with the body. In the beginning I think that I kind of resented that what Alpha enjoys most about our dynamic is control.
Somewhere along the line my feelings shifted and I realized that, while it is necessary for me to be able to exert control in daily life and the outside world, His control gives me a sense of safety and stability that I did not otherwise have. And physical control has very little to do with it.
It's kind of like being tied up versus  lying on your stomach and being told not to move your hands from behind your back--being tied up is great, but the mental control another person has to have over you to keep you still without physical bonds? That's even better. It becomes less superficial and goes below the surface aspects of experience. Because, no matter how close your bodies get, you can't be closer than when another person is inside your head.

Yesterday I talked a bit about space. I call it that for lack of a better word, but it's more like a shifting of consciousness. One that I am sure there are many paths to, with BDSM being just one. I think that it's a fairly human trait to reach for a higher sense of being; though many of us may lack it (ahem, evolution can be a painful process that some of us would just rather skip I suppose).

And I have said before that Dominance and submission is kind of like a drug--complete with a high and it's own addictive qualities.
So, while we're (yea, me, myself and I) comparing Dominance and submission (or BDSM overall for that matter) to drugs, from observing the overall effects, it turns into something that is more than a recreational experience. It becomes like a drug that is used not only for a certain sense of enjoyment, but for it's beneficial impacts (like heart medication or other drugs used for the physical or mental well-being they create). Like any drug, abuse or misuse can have terrible, even fatal, consequences. But done right? It can have miraculous and life changing results.

Of course, one of the big problems with recreational drugs, psychedelics specifically (besides the fact that it is an experience outside of reality, not within it), is that you think you have all the answers, but you can't really bring them back with you to the real world. But when ttwd becomes a way of life, the answers are always there, even if they can be difficult to grasp, and the experience becomes an integral part of the real world.

And I can hear the straight edged people cringing and criticizing my choice of drugs as an analogy. In fact, I could probably feed them their own arguments almost verbatim. But that's okay, because those same people are the ones most likely using ones from over the counter for health or maybe not so much. And I think my analogy is fitting; though, just for the record...
I'm not big on drugs. And personally, I think that I have been a very good girl on that front. Lol.

But I do have a bit of an addiction. And luckily for me? Supply and demand is not in my hands.

Energetic exchange

You hear a lot about the physical aspects of D/s and BDSM (or whatever the hell you feel like calling it, I'm not feeling to particular tonight lol), and the mental aspects even get a fair amount of attention. Rarely though do you see people talk about the energetic aspects. Maybe that's because they aren't always there? Or maybe it's not scientific and clear cut enough to get much attention? Maybe it falls into the cookoo-for-cocoa-puffs category but oh well. Frankly, I'm to tired tonight to really give a fuck who thinks what lol. Anyways, it's something I thought about all day (except for when I was sitting on the curb getting that stupid citation because my boss let his registration slide, but I'm trying to rein in my bitching). Alpha and I used to play with energy even before discovering ttwd, but not as in depth as we do now. I guess it's not really play anymore.
Energy flow changes everything. In my mind, the exchange and mutable ability of energy are as important as the mental intricacies of BDSM. Not having that would be like having the physical experience without the any mental aspects--it's just...not the same. Mental and energetic aspects are deeply entwined because they feed on each other. Thoughts focus energy, energy deepens the connection.

When I'm with Alpha he expects me to open the gates so to speak. There is a continual exchange and flow of energy which I think is a large part of what I call subspace because that's the most fitting word I have found. It's difficult to put into words, but I can feel Him and I know He feels me in a way that words don't really do justice. It's like an opening of minds to exchange more than physical contact. It is a kind of intimacy beyond sex (though, might I say, they do go very nicely together). Because what is more private than the essence of your being, the thoughts that can't be expressed because no one made words for them, the one place no one can ever really see? The only way I can think to describe it is that it feels like He steps into my mind with His own and wraps it around me kind of like waves. The more you do it the better it gets--kind of like D/s and experience.
I am well aware that there are endorphins and varies physical and scientific coolness that happens in the body during pleasure or pain or those heightened states we get into. But I don't believe that to be the only explanation.

Ttwd has enhanced our experiences with, and explorations of, energy play/exchange/whateverthefuck you wanna call it. And I wonder if it is always there for every D/s experience between everyone? At least to some extent? I'm actually curious about this so feel free to fulfill any compulsion you may have to answer that question lol. Of course, if you want to tell me I'm crazy, I will no doubt have something rude and hopefully semi-intelligent to say (the cynicism of my day hasn't worn off yet. Can you tell?), but such is life.

The problem for me is, I spent a lot of life blocking up that energetic/mental gate that comes into play with Alpha and I. Because it's hard as hell to open and close at will. We all walk around broadcasting thoughts and emotions, trying our hardest to suppress what we don't want the world to see, thinking we are hiding what's on the inside. And most of the time, it works because none of us really want to feel and know the random people we come in contact with on a daily basis. We're so closed off that we can't feel/hear/sense it anyways. Of course, there are people who do a great job of opening and closing that gate at will (I married one of them). I however, am not. At some point in life, I decided that me and everything I am was all in or all out, one way or another, black, white or orange, no gray areas or in between. Somehow, it applied to all of me lol and it impacts a lot about my life. Even my little gates and boxes (I thought they were useful and nicely wrapped, lol. He keeps breaking them down and tearing off the wrapping).

I'm really to tired to do this subject justice and I have no clue if this post even makes sense. But it was on my mind so out it came. Kind of like when the brain says "stfu" and the mouth keeps talking...

Consent and abuse

Consent is one of those topics that gets a fair amount of time under the limelight. A lot of people say that the biggest difference between BDSM and abuse is consent. I disagree. Even abusive relationships require consent. Now, I'm sure this will get plenty of people up in arms sputtering away and running to tell me how wrong I am and that's fine. But I'm still going to think I'm right lol. So slander my opinions if you want but this is an area where they are not going to change. I have spent far to much time on the phone in the middle of the night and watching Alpha go pack up their shit to believe that abuse does not require some form of consent from the abused partner.

Now, before everyone goes getting their panties in a twist, this post is not intended to be a dig at women in abusive relationships. It is simply my musings about consent and abuse just like the title says. My sister has become the poster board for the formation of my beliefs and I don't love her any less for it.

I will accept the concept that it is possible to be so abused that you can't tell up from down and lose the concept of what a healthy relationship is; that it is possible to be so afraid, that you stay with an abuser because of fear for your life or the lives of your children. I will not however, accept the concept that the biggest difference between BDSM and abuse is consent. Sure, no one says "lets spend the night breaking everything in our house in front of the kids while you beat the shit out of me, oh yay!" But when it comes to abuse, after a certain amount of time (the first time), staying equals consent. Before throwing things at the computer, or rushing to tell me how full of shit I am (be my guest, I haven't deleted a comment yet and don't really intend to start now), take into account how many times I have watched women go back to these shit relationships when they had gotten out and were offered every support necessary to start over without the asshole (aka abusive shit bag. Take your pick of terms, there are plenty to go around).

The long and short of it is, to be in an abusive relationship requires the consent of the abused as well as abuser. By staying with an abuser, the abused are giving their consent for the abuse to continue--whether they realize it or not. That's my opinion from both inside and outside of the situation.
I am not talking about when BDSM turns into abuse because that's not something I have any experience with and I would imagine the complications to be much deeper.

Since I have a house full of kids who are now beginning to stir, I'll end my ramblings here. I realize that I didn't go into the actual differences between BDSM and abuse but I'm always happy to share my opinions (because after all, I just Know that I am usually right). Rumor has it March is Q&A month here in blog land so if you want an excuse to throw more shit at your computer, ask away lol.

Expanding mindsets

I have been thinking about the way ttwd expands who we are as human beings. It was compounded by a post I read this morning that mentioned BDSM as a spiritual experience. Granted, it's not always about a deeper meaning because it's one of those things that just...is. However, while it may be a characteristic part of our personalities, exploring the possibilities changes the way we see ourselves. I feel that my perception is skewed because we discovered this path after years together so I cannot really comprehend things in the context of arriving at it in any other way. I guess we all come at it from our own point of view though.
Anyways, sometimes it's just good fun and sometimes it's not really fun at all. But there are those times when I wake up in the morning, and I realize that I am not quite the same as I was the day before. This usually happens after the horizons have been expanded in some way. Exploring D/s as a way of life with Alpha has deeply impacted my perceptions of both myself and our relationship. It's an alternate state of mind to the world we live in. A step into another reality of our very own and we bring pieces of that reality back with us into everyday life. It's somewhat addictive.

As I was stalking my husband around the house this morning for no good reason besides a desire to be close, He looked over His shoulder and asked "what's up little one?" I grinned and asked if I could be His stalker. He chuckled, "awww, you have a crush on me."
Oh, I most certainly do. and I can't think of a better person to have a crush on.

Doormats and the concept of breaking

I read something on fetlife ages ago and it's been floating around in my mind ever since. It was written by a slave who asserted that it was okay to be a mindless doormat. She swore she was happy. But she sounded so sad. So broken. So...lonely. She was outside of the circle of submissives and slaves who see themselves as strong individuals. She did everything for her Master (who seemed to not be impeded by any physical disability), from providing for him and his children, to changing the oil in his car. Her world was at odds with everything I see my submissive world to be. I understand that there is a difference between submissive and slave. Yet the two states of being share some undeniable similarities. And I wondered if she was truly happy. Or if she just told herself she was because of the life she had? She sounded like a broken woman who lacked the ability to ever put herself back together.

Which brings me to the concept of "breaking" a submissive. Why would you want a broken person, let alone to be the person breaking them? Bent, yes. Really bent, sure I'm down. But broken, no. Tyvm. Alpha has compared the concept of bending a sub to growing a plant (yes, all these lovely comparisons. Last month I was a beneficial parasite, now I'm a plant. Am I moving up or down the food chain?). If you bend a stem or branch just enough but not to much, it grows in the direction you want. It cracks just a little at that point and rebuilds it's own matter. The branch is likely to never break at that exact point once it heals. It becomes stronger and is more likely to survive.
Why does the concept of "breaking" seem to be so popular?

P.S If anyone has any ideas as to why the stupid little "recent comments" gadget on my page is all jacked up, please let me know lol.

Indulging the darkness within

When I tell Alpha how twisted He is, He likes to point out exactly how twisted I am. So maybe He has a point there lol. But still, there is some kind of strange comfort in knowing that He's just a little more twisted than me. Why exactly? I'm not sure. When we first began our journey into D/s I was really afraid Alpha was going to find out that I was more kinky than Him. Turns out, I'm not. He just spent a lot of time keeping the beast in it's cage. Eventually someone had to open the door. When He did He told me that, while He didn't mind hurting me (go figure), He was afraid of damaging me and never wanted to be responsible for breaking me. Fair enough, I'm not complaining. But was it really necessary to let me spend all that time obsessing about being too twisted? I guess for someone who likes to watch me squirm as much as Alpha does, it was.

So we have been indulging the darkness within. Alpha plowed through the doors of my mind and explored the sick shit inside. He let the twisted sadist in Himself out to play. That was a while ago but I still remember my moment of panic "omg, what have I done. I can't handle Him!" And I guess I still can't handle Him. But in the end, I'm not supposed to be able to "handle" Him. If I could, what would be the point? There is a beauty to letting go and watching the beast torment my body and ravage my mind. I love that Alpha is just a little more twisted, always one step further when I peer into the shadows of possibility.

Darkness gets a bad rap. We can't see through it so we don't always know what's inside. But some of us decide to do a little more than just take a peek. We travel into the darkness and explore its realms of limitless possibility. It's to easy to think that BDSM is a physical experience. Yes, there's no denying that it is a physical experience when you're covered in piss, tied to the bed, and begging for the pain to stop. But the mental aspects, what Alpha does to my mind...Those are the things I find truly incredible. What can be done with words and thoughts alone is truly amazing. That He can hold me enthralled and entranced, simply with a word or a look...It's like this magnetic attraction sucking me in.
When something shifts in his eyes and the beast comes out to play with my mind and maybe will decide to prey on my body...When He indulges the darkness within and I know that I am completely and irreversibly owned...That's when I know that surfing the abyss is worth the risk.

Dreams, what wicked things they can be

 He grabs me. Dragging into a bedroom He rips my clothes off and throws me on the bed with my ass in the air. i feel the cold hard steel of a gun barrel pressed against the side of my head as He thrusts in and out of me, using me purely for His own pleasure.
So what's more fucked up, that i had the dream, or that i found it a turn-on? It's a rhetorical question, not sure i really want to know what anyone thinks about that lol. The next morning when i admit my dream to M in the light of day *shudder*, He smiles softly at me and brushes a tendril of hair out of my face. "My damaged little one. That was an option but I didn't want to break you."
Everyone has fantasies. i don't care who you are, what you do, or how kinky you aren't. The only real differences are how extreme our fantasies are, and whether or not we admit to having them.

Blogging and the inherent judgment of human kind

Us humans are a judgmental lot. i was reading kk's blog, sweet submission this morning, and i was reminded of the ever-present tendency for those who have no say in our lives to tell us we are not submissive enough. The funny thing is, such assertions are generally made online--the place where you find a plethora of preening "Doms," each claiming to be the best you have never seen. Yes, a blog is a public forum. By writing in it, you are inviting the outside world to take a peek into your life. Sometimes it's difficult not to adjust your writing for your readers. Especially when your most loyal reader happens to be  the one person who's opinion matters most--your Dominant. But as an avid read of BDSM oriented blogs (M pointed this out the other night in a far to satisfied way), i can honestly say that my favorites are the ones who are written by those who blog for themselves regardless of what others may think or want to read. It's the blogs that show an honest expression of who that person is that i find most fascinating. As a blog writer, i find it loses personal benefit as a form of retrospection if i begin adjusting it for others. After all, isn't it kind of the point to use ones blog as an avenue of sharing the truth and self-introspection?
Anyways, i suppose it's rather redundant to blog about blogging lol.
M and i were talking last night in bed. i very much like it when He talks to me, not such a huge fan of being forced to participate in the conversation lol. i asked Him why He made me admit to being such a whore. his reply was "because if you are hiding the truth from me, you're also hiding it from yourself. If you know why you do something it's much easier to control. When people don't know Why they do what they do or are the way they are, that's when we fuck up the most. Because we have lied to ourselves, we don't know who we truly are." Now how is a used and mostly incoherent sub supposed to comment in a conversation like that?

Follow through

Being submissive has made me a better parent. i know that might seem odd, but it's true. The biggest instance is punishment. i have learned not to threaten punishment and not follow through (okay, so it's pretty basic, but everything seems much more cut and dry Before you actually have rug-rats running around. They don't come with an owners manual you know). Yesterday i had "diarrhea of the mouth" as M likes to say and He warned me multiple times that i had it coming in a big way. "At least 25, maybe My hand, maybe the belt, maybe a coat hanger." i don't know what exactly is wrong with me lately. i have been all stuck in my head and shit which seems to prompt mouthiness and a desire to be not-submissive. Anyways, come bedtime, i was expecting to pay my dues. i sucked, we fucked, it didn't come. He asked me what i was thinking about (it's a real pain in the ass when someone knows you inside out), i tried to get around it, because i just wanted to sleep and really had no interest in having my ass blistered. i fessed up to some confusion regarding the absence of the promised punishment. He lifted an eyebrow, "I was going to let you off easy, we could just call it a mindfuck and leave it at that." Horror must have been clearly reflected on my face. i was headed for a no fun whipping but couldn't stop myself."A mindfuck?! How the hell am i supposed to know if you mean it or not when you say something. Why should i listen if it all might just be a mindfuck?" The eyebrows lowered and He reached for His belt, me squirming and protesting that it was okay and He really didn't have to this time. "If I don't you will think less of Me." "i won't think less of you, i'll just think you don't have follow through and mean what you say." Let me just point out, that forthcoming honesty is a real bitch and that belt hurts something awful.
But He loves me enough to punish me for my own good, He loves me enough to do what He says He will. He loves me enough to follow through.
Ouch.

Tied, part I

Her Master opened the door and gestured her to walk through it. Stepping into the room she saw a bed, armchairs, and the standard hotel room cabinet hiding a television she was pretty sure she wasn't going to see. He tossed their luggage haphazardly in a pile and dropped languidly into one of the armchairs. His eyes twinkled sadistically as He ordered her to strip. "Now?" She protested, wistfully eying the other armchair and huge gilded tub in the bathroom. He arched an eyebrow at her "are you telling Me no little one?" His tone was quiet. The kind of quiet that says it's not really a question and there's only one right answer anyways. Pouting she slipped her t-shirt over her head and slid her jeans down. Kicking them off she, directed her attention to the thin black thong that really offered no coverage to her smoothly shaved pussy. "Leave it" He commanded. Pointing at the small black suitcase at His feet He ordered her to open it. "cuffs, blindfold, gag, rope, clips, and knife. Lay them out on the nightstand." She obeyed, glancing nervously at the open curtains pulled back to reveal full length panes of glass. His looked at her "don't you dare close those curtains little one. No one can see from down on the ground and anyone who can see from that building will just be getting a nice show now won't they." She felt the heat in her face traveling uncomfortably down her body and settling into her core. "Sadistic bastard." He grinned shamelessly at her. "That's right, and don't you forget it. Now, on the bed on your back. She sighed resignedly and pulled back the blankets settling herself onto the bed. He slipped a line of rope through the headboard and picked up the cuffs. Black leather lined with red felt and covered in o-rings. After fastening them around her wrists, He pulled her hands up above her head and and hooked the cuffs to pre-tied loops in the rope. He always used hooks that she could undo herself if she had to. She had only unhooked herself once in the heat of the moment. She cringed at the memory. Every action has consequences. He proceeded to cuff her ankles and hook them to a rope He had tied to the bedposts spreading her legs wide as He did so. He took a moment to inspect her pussy, spread open and beginning to get wet in anticipation. He knew it made her uncomfortable to be stared at like that and He smiled sadistically as she began to squirm. Then came the blindfold. As her world sank into darkness she began to struggle slightly. He bent over her, grabbing her by the back of the head "do you trust me completely?" She let out the breath she wasn't aware she had been holding, "yes Master. i trust you completely." He let go of her hair. "Good." As the gag slipped between her lips He said, "remember that. Remember that i protect you. And in return, you submit to me and i own you. Mind, body, and soul. I own you little one." She nodded silently. Her other senses began compensating for the loss of sight. She heard Him moving around the room. Heard the door open and close. She whimpered through the gag, begging incoherently for some sign that He was still there. He had never tied her up and left before! But there were no reassuring words of his presence. She fell silent and listened carefully to the lack of sound in the room. He was gone. She repressed a moment of panic at being left alone tied to the bed in a hotel room in a strange city. After what seemed like an eternity, there was a sound of a key in the lock and the door sliding open. She gave a sigh of relief, followed by a nervous unintelligible plea for Him to say something. "Damn, there really is a naked woman tied to the bed." She froze. That was not her Master's voice. She listened, waiting to hear His voice replying to the unknown man. The reply never came. She heard footsteps as the man moved to stand beside the bed. She began struggling, not undoing the hooks was so ingrained in her that releasing herself wasn't even a thought. "mmmm" the unknown voice was very close now. The sound of a zipper being undone was loud as cymbals in the otherwise silent room. Fear flooded through her, disconcertingly leading to a growing wet patch between her legs. The sound of the knife being removed from the bedside table wrenched a strangled squeal out of the gag. She felt it slide up her thigh and froze, moaning in fear and anticipation. The knife slid slowly up the crack of her ass slicing the black thong off leaving her completely exposed. She tried  to close her legs in a futile effort to hide her dripping pussy and the evidence of what a whore she was that it so clearly displayed. Where was Master? She tried to think through the fog. Subspace had consumed her and she was no longer functional enough to form a complete thought. His words echoed in her mind, "do you trust me completely?" She tensed slightly as hands slid up her thighs, dipping slightly into her wetness. Abruptly, the hand withdrew and she felt herself blushing from head to toe in shame. Then a wet stream of piss began to splash across her back and she panicked. Master had agreed that no other man would ever be allowed to mark her their property like a common animal. She began flailing around and clawing at the hooks that kept her hands tied to the bed. Suddenly, a large familiar hand wrapped around her throat and squeezed tightly. "you said you trust me completely My little one."

Morning coffee and fear in BDSM

In the morning, i hop out of bed, put on a pot of coffee, say good morning to my kids, and settle in front of my blog. Okay, well, that's not exactly right. In the morning (if M is gracious enough to let me off without morning sex, which goes against all that is good and right in the world. i haven't had coffee yet so sex is bad lol), i stumble blearily out of bed, grumpy that i'm awake at all. Stumbling thought the kitchen on my way to the bathroom, i throw on a pot of coffee and acknowledge my childrens existence with a grunted "good morning" and  "if you want food, make it yourself and don't ask me anything before my coffee comes up." Then my coffee is up, my kids have some form of food, and i settle down to ramble on the blog. Super sexy right? i know, i'm a dream in a sweatshirt lol. But come on now, we all live some sort of reality, and it's not all whips and chains all the time.

On a completely unrelated note, i was browsing the forums on Fetlife the other day (i haven't finished my coffee yet, i am NOT making a link), and i read a thread with a question about fear outside of play and if it had a place in a BDSM oriented relationship. Answers ranged from adamant "no" to "yes" and many thoughts in between. i started thinking about fear in our dynamic. Fear gets me off. Fear gets a lot of people off, they just don't like to admit it. But fear of what, what kind of fear, is it a good or bad thing? i have many fears. Fear of loss, fear of disappointing, etc. Fear of what may happen gets me off; however, i am not afraid of M. Sometimes afraid of what He might do, what He may make me do, yes. But if i was afraid of M as a man, would i trust in Him the way i do, could i surrender myself completely? The answer is no. Take rape scenes--they are an inherently fear based activity. i find them fascinating, extremely hot, and a really big turn on. It's a mindfuck. Actually being raped? Uh no. 13 years later, and i still hope the bastard rots in jail till he dies. It's all in the context of the emotion and its impact on the people involved.
Alright, time for more coffee.

Dominance, submission, and love

Okay, so it's possible i have a post floating around my blog with this same thread of thought, but oh well lol.
i have been thinking about D/s and how love fits into the dynamic. i read somewhere once, that love interferes with a Dominants ability to be successful. Such as not wanting to hand out an earned punishment, use a sub for their own wants, etc. In the beginning of our shift to D/s, i wondered if what i had read was true. Now, exploring the abyss, i realize that i could be Dominated without love, but i could not completely surrender myself. . Because i love Him and He is true, i trust Him. Because He loves me, He won't do anything that will irreparably damage me. He see's the difference between what i want and what i need. The two are not mutually exclusive and what i need is far more important to Him than what i want (yea, the wanty me complains a lot lol). Because He loves me, i trust Him more. Love inspires me to do my best, to strive not to disappoint, to be the best submissive i can for Him. Love and trust allow me to fear an event, but not M Himself.
 D/s has deepened our love, enhanced our trust, and inspired our relationship to travel to new heights. Without the love we already had for each other, i would have always been to afraid to take the first step on this path. i would have never known this vast range of emotions, sensations, and mind-altering events that i have experienced with M. Being head over heels in love, and at the same time owned, scares the shit out of me. After 12 years, it still scares the shit out of me. Even more so now because i feel so completely dependent on Him. i used to feel financially dependent on Him but that's not what i'm talking about. More like depending on someone for your sanity, your happiness, stability in fumbling through life, the security of your being. He's what keeps me from crying myself to sleep at night, He's who keeps me from telling the people who piss me off to go die and picking up a baseball bat (yes, i am that mean natured and volatile at heart), He's what keeps me from being an out and out whore, He is my shelter from the world. And this world can be a cold, cruel, and painful place.
i am grateful for the love in our D/s. And i am forever grateful to M for being who He is and giving me what i need; regardless of what i think i want.