Cake, Icing, and Other Strange Ramblings

For once, this post isn't actually about cake. Or icing. Well, not the real kinds anyways.

I think that I'm about to contradict myself twice in one post. Not the small sort of contradictions that you sweep under the rug before anybody notices either.

Did I mention that it's going to happen more than once all in one post? Coffee. Coffee is important here.

So...I have stated more than once that we will always be a happily married couple, with or without D/s.

After some deep introspection inspired by my longest "off" phase in the history of our dynamic, I realized that's bullshit.
For me, there's never going to be any kind of real "we" without D/s. With anybody. And by real, I mean the kind of love that makes your heart flutter every time you see someone; there would be no passion, no intimacy. And probably a sad lack of respect on my part. For me, D/s is passion and intimacy. I don't know how to feel true passion without it. And intimacy...Well, there's nothing quite as intimate as having someone crawl around in your mind and take over your body, is there?

My sexuality is inherently and completely wrapped up in Dominance and submission. Without D/s...

Dominance inspires feelings in me that I seem to be otherwise incapable of experiencing. Maybe those feelings of passion and intimacy are normal for those less fucked in the head most people,but I don't feel them if I don't feel Dominated. If I am not submissive.

I have also said that D/s is like the icing on the cake, but it isn't really just the icing on the cake. Cake is good with or without icing.
When you make a layered cake, you put a dab of icing on the platter under the bottom layer of cake. Just a smidgen. Without that tiny bit of icing, the cake slides around when you go to put the next layer on, and is far less stable.
That little, seemingly insignificant dab of icing makes all the other layers possible, and keeps the cake from falling to the floor (yes, I realize that some of us are more prone to dropping things than others. Lets not point fingers. Ahem).
And the layers...humanity is made of layers, D/s is created out of layers on top of layers--icing holds the layers together.

So maybe I won't contradict myself too much with this one--perhaps D/s really is like icing. But not just the icing on top. Oh no...

Connection of Extremes

I often say that I don't crave sex, but I do crave D/s, and I'm sticking to that claim.

I crave pain and intensity, control and and stillness. I crave the connection that comes with certain events.

Intimacy is very much dependent on personal views. My favorite one in writing happens to be Jz's (in all fairness I linked to the revisited one because it's the one I could find. Labels are very helpful for those of us who are rather slow on the uptake. Just sayin. lol).

I would like to say that my most perfected skill was something really useful and impressive. It's not. What I'm really good at is building walls. I also do moats and boiling oil!
I'm pretty good at disconnecting from my body too. It's a questionable skill that usually rears it's head at the least convenient times.

But there are certain activities wherein I don't crave the activity itself, sometimes I even abhor the activity, but I crave the intimacy it brings.
I don't equate sex with intimacy. Perhaps because I spent so long checking out anytime it occurred...

I equate pain, control, and intensity with intimacy.

For me the connection happens when our energies are so mingled that I cannot separate the two. It becomes the ultimate and literal mindfuck (a post of its own perhaps). Sometimes it doesn't even require much physical connection. But in that moment, he knows he has me completely. "You want me to walk on hot coals? I'm no longer capable of remembering what those are, but sure!" (it's an example people. Don't take me so literally).

It's that connection, the place where disconnecting from him becomes an absolute impossibility, that scares the daylights out of me. It's also the place where I find the most peace.
It's that space where I becomes disconnected completely from worry, where reality fades away, and there is nothing besides us and the moment we share.
It can take some extremes to get me to that place of extreme intimacy. But that's where I want to be.

Can you tell I'm craving?