In all honesty, I get a bit hazy, so there's a good chance my quotes lack a certain level of exactness...
"Once you get past this, then we can move on to the fun stuff. Accepting
that you are completely mine and it is my way (that's what makes you happy anyways) does not signify the end
of the road. It's just the beginning."
That was a
concept which hadn't occurred to me until he said those words. Perhaps I have been
deliberately holding onto ways of being from the beginning of our D/s,
because I am afraid that once those obstacles are
conquered, there is no where else for us to go.
He continued the following morning with, If we keep going over the same stuff over and over again, we can't go deeper. Lets get over this beginner shit so we can move on.
Oh...
Well then...
Really...?
Oh shit...
Excuse me while I melt and reassess some things here...
He's right. I have struggled with some basic concepts for far too long. And it is simply not possible for our power exchange to progress beyond a certain level if I am continually willing to allow my obstinance to interfere with submitting to his will.
I have had a couple of days to "reassess" things since those conversations, and my perspective is making a shift...
I know how I need to be, and what I need to do--he has been telling me all along.
One simply cannot continue to fall down the rabbit hole while they cling desperately to the sides.
Showing posts with label Evolving. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Evolving. Show all posts
Saturday, November 16, 2013
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
Heartbeat
You don't see it when we're walking through the store,
you don't hear it when we're chatting with family and friends.
It's not apparent when I'm doing dishes and he's working on the car.
I don't feel it when he's absorbed in his games
and I'm pining for his time.
But it's always there under the surface.
Often so quiet that it's never heard and can be taken for granted
leaving me wondering if it still exists at all.
But it's always there.
A heartbeat.
One very essential and amazing part of the whole.
Often so quiet that it can't be heard, so deep that it can't be seen.
Sometimes so loud as to be all consuming, and its beat pounds through my ears until it is all that I can hear.
Always there
always sustaining.
In every choice and in every decision.
A heartbeat.
Our D/s.
Often hard to hear over the chaos of daily life, it's steady and strong.
Occasionally rising to the surface and drowning out all other sounds.
It's like when I lay my head on his chest and listen to his heartbeat. Every time, there's a moment when I know that the sound of his life is my life. My whole life. Wrapped up in one quiet beat.
I can't hear his heart beat as we bicker about who drank all the coffee, or when he grabs me by the throat and shoves me up against the fridge, or when he runs his hands through my hair.
But his heartbeat is always there.
Shaping and sustaining my life.
In a way, our D/s is very much like that--a heartbeat you don't always hear, but which shapes your days and sustains your life.
It isn't often seen as we move through our daily lives. But we can see it in our veins, feel it's movement in our blood, hear it quietly in our ears.
Our D/s is a heartbeat with it's own rhythm and strength.
you don't hear it when we're chatting with family and friends.
It's not apparent when I'm doing dishes and he's working on the car.
I don't feel it when he's absorbed in his games
and I'm pining for his time.
But it's always there under the surface.
Often so quiet that it's never heard and can be taken for granted
leaving me wondering if it still exists at all.
But it's always there.
A heartbeat.
One very essential and amazing part of the whole.
Often so quiet that it can't be heard, so deep that it can't be seen.
Sometimes so loud as to be all consuming, and its beat pounds through my ears until it is all that I can hear.
Always there
always sustaining.
In every choice and in every decision.
A heartbeat.
Our D/s.
Often hard to hear over the chaos of daily life, it's steady and strong.
Occasionally rising to the surface and drowning out all other sounds.
It's like when I lay my head on his chest and listen to his heartbeat. Every time, there's a moment when I know that the sound of his life is my life. My whole life. Wrapped up in one quiet beat.
I can't hear his heart beat as we bicker about who drank all the coffee, or when he grabs me by the throat and shoves me up against the fridge, or when he runs his hands through my hair.
But his heartbeat is always there.
Shaping and sustaining my life.
In a way, our D/s is very much like that--a heartbeat you don't always hear, but which shapes your days and sustains your life.
It isn't often seen as we move through our daily lives. But we can see it in our veins, feel it's movement in our blood, hear it quietly in our ears.
Our D/s is a heartbeat with it's own rhythm and strength.
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Evolutionary Issues
Evolution is a concept that has always fascinated me. Not in the biological sense of the word, more on a human and spiritual level. Evolution is a process of growth and development.
It is however, a process that is not always easy or pleasant to undergo.
In one way or another, I have always had issues surrounding my sexuality. And I have had some struggles with my kinks too. For some reason, the kinks are easier even though the two are deeply intertwined. Perhaps it's because I have been carrying my other issues for longer lol. Or maybe it is because of Alpha's acceptance of my kinks, or the fact that the kinks I get to experience are the ones He chooses to indulge.
It is possible to completely detach oneself from a situation. And it is also possible to be so immersed in a moment that the experience pours out of you for days.
I spent many years perfecting the former.
And that feeling of drowning in need, passion, sex, submission, pain, love...It is the very close to the opposite of what I have always been. Or at least, what I have always let be forefront in my personality.
The other night while I was panicking about my inability to control my own desires, He said "you're waking up little one." Matter of fact. Like an outside observer watching a long awaited process begin--and observer who never had a doubt as to the outcome.
Alpha is a patient man. But that patience is a give and take. Because when He's done being patient? It's gone, over, done, finished. And He has been patient for a very long time.
It is however, a process that is not always easy or pleasant to undergo.
In one way or another, I have always had issues surrounding my sexuality. And I have had some struggles with my kinks too. For some reason, the kinks are easier even though the two are deeply intertwined. Perhaps it's because I have been carrying my other issues for longer lol. Or maybe it is because of Alpha's acceptance of my kinks, or the fact that the kinks I get to experience are the ones He chooses to indulge.
It is possible to completely detach oneself from a situation. And it is also possible to be so immersed in a moment that the experience pours out of you for days.
I spent many years perfecting the former.
And that feeling of drowning in need, passion, sex, submission, pain, love...It is the very close to the opposite of what I have always been. Or at least, what I have always let be forefront in my personality.
The other night while I was panicking about my inability to control my own desires, He said "you're waking up little one." Matter of fact. Like an outside observer watching a long awaited process begin--and observer who never had a doubt as to the outcome.
Alpha is a patient man. But that patience is a give and take. Because when He's done being patient? It's gone, over, done, finished. And He has been patient for a very long time.
Monday, June 20, 2011
He rattled my comfort zone
Alpha and I had a talk on the way home last night. A bit of a novelty these days because we had no one else in the car except for a sleeping baby so it offered up some new and uncomfortable avenues of communication lol. He asked what had been up with me lately.
Well geez, there's just so many options, where to begin? The laundry is out of control, the living room has turned into someone else's bedroom, my job is very close to being a stepping stone to the looney bin....Oh, You were talking about a different arena completely? My bad. So under the glaring ceiling light of the car (what is up with the light shit? I swear, there's no friggin hiding in the dark around here), I admitted my contrary conundrum--I didn't feel submissive and didn't really want to submit anymore but I wanted to explore more, go further into ttwd. No need to tell me it doesn't make sense, I am well aware of that fact, thus it's title as an "admission" lol.
The eyebrow went up of course and my backasswards statement even got a reply that made sense--that's because you know there's not much left besides things that are completely unwanted in our relationship, or totally outside of your comfort zone. Insert thwarted attempt at turning off ceiling light.
And He's right, I get pretty used to my cozy little comfort zone, and ttwd is part of our reality and therefor must fit into the parameters and restrictions of the life we live.
So He proceeded to shove me right out of my happy little zone and into the dark unknown. Well, in all fairness, this post is written kind of backwards event-wise. He had already kicked my comfort zone about twenty minutes earlier...
I suppose a little bit of background information would probably be helpful (for my readers that is, there's no hope for me lol). Years ago, Alpha and I were at a concert. Now, if you go to a concert around here it's going to be small, and chances are you will see the same people at the supermarket the following day. If you don't see them there, you can be guaranteed to see them at some point.
Anyways, at this particular event there was a very drunk woman. I remembered her clearly because I have never had someone all over me like she was lol. Now keeping in mind that it's a small town, she happens to be friends with a couple we have known for a very long time and we usually see her when we go to events at their house.
And apparently, years later and not drunk, she still wants me. And it makes me squirm. And Alpha'san ass a sweet Dominant, so He loves it.
Now I have to ask her if she wants to go out for coffee with me. There is a silver lining--she works at a clothing store so I get to go buy a new outfit and ask while I'm there. I did try to weasel my way into the possibility of multiple purchases in case I had to go back because she wasn't working when I went...there is hope.
He see's it as a win win situation, I mean, after all, isn't He justified in pointing out that my friendship base is severely depleted. Pfbt.
Of course, there's still that little issue about the majority of women and I not getting along at all...
Omg. I finally got to do a post that wasn't typed out during sil's shower time. I even got to go blog browsing this morning...It's those little things I take for granted that are what I really miss lol.
Well geez, there's just so many options, where to begin? The laundry is out of control, the living room has turned into someone else's bedroom, my job is very close to being a stepping stone to the looney bin....Oh, You were talking about a different arena completely? My bad. So under the glaring ceiling light of the car (what is up with the light shit? I swear, there's no friggin hiding in the dark around here), I admitted my contrary conundrum--I didn't feel submissive and didn't really want to submit anymore but I wanted to explore more, go further into ttwd. No need to tell me it doesn't make sense, I am well aware of that fact, thus it's title as an "admission" lol.
The eyebrow went up of course and my backasswards statement even got a reply that made sense--that's because you know there's not much left besides things that are completely unwanted in our relationship, or totally outside of your comfort zone. Insert thwarted attempt at turning off ceiling light.
And He's right, I get pretty used to my cozy little comfort zone, and ttwd is part of our reality and therefor must fit into the parameters and restrictions of the life we live.
So He proceeded to shove me right out of my happy little zone and into the dark unknown. Well, in all fairness, this post is written kind of backwards event-wise. He had already kicked my comfort zone about twenty minutes earlier...
I suppose a little bit of background information would probably be helpful (for my readers that is, there's no hope for me lol). Years ago, Alpha and I were at a concert. Now, if you go to a concert around here it's going to be small, and chances are you will see the same people at the supermarket the following day. If you don't see them there, you can be guaranteed to see them at some point.
Anyways, at this particular event there was a very drunk woman. I remembered her clearly because I have never had someone all over me like she was lol. Now keeping in mind that it's a small town, she happens to be friends with a couple we have known for a very long time and we usually see her when we go to events at their house.
And apparently, years later and not drunk, she still wants me. And it makes me squirm. And Alpha's
Now I have to ask her if she wants to go out for coffee with me. There is a silver lining--she works at a clothing store so I get to go buy a new outfit and ask while I'm there. I did try to weasel my way into the possibility of multiple purchases in case I had to go back because she wasn't working when I went...there is hope.
He see's it as a win win situation, I mean, after all, isn't He justified in pointing out that my friendship base is severely depleted. Pfbt.
Of course, there's still that little issue about the majority of women and I not getting along at all...
Omg. I finally got to do a post that wasn't typed out during sil's shower time. I even got to go blog browsing this morning...It's those little things I take for granted that are what I really miss lol.
Saturday, June 18, 2011
Rules Versus Expectations
I have been thinking about rules lately…We have rules…But they’re more like expectations.
On the up side, rules provide the comfort and security that comes with structure. They create a clear view of what is expected and what is not acceptable. Rules are about encouraging desired behaviors and discouraging unwanted ones. They exist for a purpose and there are definite consequences to breaking them, which is part of what contributes to the security they provide--the fact that someone is willing to enforce them makes all the difference in the world.
On the downside, rules give you something to push back against, something to challenge in order to find out exactly how firm the line is and what you can get away with.
Expectations on the other hand, give you something to live up to. For me, Alpha's disappointment is the worst punishment (lets ignore the existence of those evil little clamps...). Striving to meet expectations helps to avoid that disappointment.
Expectations don't give you something to challenge and push against--they give you the inspiration to do as expected, and the desire to please by living up to them.
I used to feel differently about rules. I thought that numerous and firm rules were important to our dynamic. And maybe at the time, they were. But now? For us, the rules and expectations seem to have blended into one and the same. Either way, the consequences are still there, even more reliably so. And isn't that one of the things that matters most about rules and expectations--that the person submitting strives to follow and meet them, and the person laying down the law enforces them when necessary and acknowledges success and failure, thereby further solidifying the relationship and it's dynamic?
On the up side, rules provide the comfort and security that comes with structure. They create a clear view of what is expected and what is not acceptable. Rules are about encouraging desired behaviors and discouraging unwanted ones. They exist for a purpose and there are definite consequences to breaking them, which is part of what contributes to the security they provide--the fact that someone is willing to enforce them makes all the difference in the world.
On the downside, rules give you something to push back against, something to challenge in order to find out exactly how firm the line is and what you can get away with.
Expectations on the other hand, give you something to live up to. For me, Alpha's disappointment is the worst punishment (lets ignore the existence of those evil little clamps...). Striving to meet expectations helps to avoid that disappointment.
Expectations don't give you something to challenge and push against--they give you the inspiration to do as expected, and the desire to please by living up to them.
I used to feel differently about rules. I thought that numerous and firm rules were important to our dynamic. And maybe at the time, they were. But now? For us, the rules and expectations seem to have blended into one and the same. Either way, the consequences are still there, even more reliably so. And isn't that one of the things that matters most about rules and expectations--that the person submitting strives to follow and meet them, and the person laying down the law enforces them when necessary and acknowledges success and failure, thereby further solidifying the relationship and it's dynamic?
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Say it, Do it, Be it
In the beginning, ttwd was talk. It was an idea, a concept lacking solidity--an experiment waiting for action. The words seemed awkward, the place they led unknown.
Then is became something we do. An action, a part of life. Those actions started in the bedroom where I requested they stay. We soon discovered that keeping it confined to the bed wasn't going to work--ttwd had to be a part of daily life, not just something we played at under the covers.
And so it became many pieces of the puzzle that is our relationship. It ebbs and flows like anything else in life but it has become an integral part of our day-to-day life.
As circumstance would have it, I ended up in a position of Dominance, dealing with a bunch of crap over the weekend. Alpha couldn't come help me take care of it, so I was on my own for some pretty serious events. Everything went smoothly and circumstances were also kind enough (or disappointing enough, depending on my mood lol), to allow me to pretty much wrap things up without further bloodshed.
Normally, when I have to be very Dominant, I don't slip back into my place well at all. "You want do stick what where?! *&)((^%$##!, I think not!" Forever gracious lol, as always.
When I finally stumbled back in the door Saturday night? Oh I was ALL His. No sidestepping, backtracking protesting (okay, well maybe just enough to make getting His way rewarding), or otherwise attempting to avoid my place. Oddly enough, I had no desire to resist what turned out to be a rather painful evening lol.
And that calculating detached look He was giving me? Whole new experience.
And thus I believe we are entering another evolution in ttwd--from doing to being.
And I wonder if it goes on like this forever, this evolution of D/s. Do you get to where you're going and stay there, or is it always evolving and changing? Because every time I think we have come close to the bottom of the abyss? I discover that we aren't even close.
Then is became something we do. An action, a part of life. Those actions started in the bedroom where I requested they stay. We soon discovered that keeping it confined to the bed wasn't going to work--ttwd had to be a part of daily life, not just something we played at under the covers.
And so it became many pieces of the puzzle that is our relationship. It ebbs and flows like anything else in life but it has become an integral part of our day-to-day life.
As circumstance would have it, I ended up in a position of Dominance, dealing with a bunch of crap over the weekend. Alpha couldn't come help me take care of it, so I was on my own for some pretty serious events. Everything went smoothly and circumstances were also kind enough (or disappointing enough, depending on my mood lol), to allow me to pretty much wrap things up without further bloodshed.
Normally, when I have to be very Dominant, I don't slip back into my place well at all. "You want do stick what where?! *&)((^%$##!, I think not!" Forever gracious lol, as always.
When I finally stumbled back in the door Saturday night? Oh I was ALL His. No sidestepping, backtracking protesting (okay, well maybe just enough to make getting His way rewarding), or otherwise attempting to avoid my place. Oddly enough, I had no desire to resist what turned out to be a rather painful evening lol.
And that calculating detached look He was giving me? Whole new experience.
And thus I believe we are entering another evolution in ttwd--from doing to being.
And I wonder if it goes on like this forever, this evolution of D/s. Do you get to where you're going and stay there, or is it always evolving and changing? Because every time I think we have come close to the bottom of the abyss? I discover that we aren't even close.
Monday, May 30, 2011
One Hell Of A Look
There's this particular look Alpha gets sometimes, like He's going to eat me alive or something lol. It's passionate and intense, and it can be really hot.
But there's this other look...It's intent and detached, with occasional flashes of quizzical...
And it makes my stomach do funny things while my knees wobble and my heart skips a beat.
It makes unbearable pain manageable.
It makes whatever He decides to do in that moment okay.
There are many "looks," but this one? It's a bit new and it's kind of like stepping into a whole new ballgame. One where they may throw knives instead of balls lol.
It's one hell of a look.
Every year that goes by, things change, ttwd moves deeper into who we are.
And sometimes I think "oh shit," I am in soo far over my head that it's not even funny. But staying in the shallows? It wouldn't have worked for us anyways. That whole, "all or nothing" thing I guess.
That detached and calculating look? It's hot and it's kind of scary, and it melts my bones.
It's one hell of a look.
But there's this other look...It's intent and detached, with occasional flashes of quizzical...
And it makes my stomach do funny things while my knees wobble and my heart skips a beat.
It makes unbearable pain manageable.
It makes whatever He decides to do in that moment okay.
There are many "looks," but this one? It's a bit new and it's kind of like stepping into a whole new ballgame. One where they may throw knives instead of balls lol.
It's one hell of a look.
Every year that goes by, things change, ttwd moves deeper into who we are.
And sometimes I think "oh shit," I am in soo far over my head that it's not even funny. But staying in the shallows? It wouldn't have worked for us anyways. That whole, "all or nothing" thing I guess.
That detached and calculating look? It's hot and it's kind of scary, and it melts my bones.
It's one hell of a look.
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Knowledge
Life is very much about knowledge. It comes in the forms of learning and experience. And hopefully, if we are paying attention, we learn from our experiences. Knowledge is priceless. Knowledge is power. The value we place on it is dependent upon that which we find to be most important in our lives. However, it loses power if not applied. All the knowledge in the world is completely useless if it is not used. The greatest and most heinous things on this earth have been created by it in one form or another.
Knowledge takes many forms and we seek it for many different reasons. That which I find valuable, might, to the next person, seem inconsequential and meaningless. It is when we reach the point of realizing that we know nothing, that we become capable of gaining knowledge. That's one of the reasons why being a teenager is such an angst ridden time--when you think you know everything, you are incapable of truly knowing anything.
Gaining knowledge is an ongoing process of learning and growth that continues until we die. If it doesn't, we become stagnant. Our growth and evolution is stunted and we are unable to live up to our full potential as human beings. How we apply what we know determines who we are. It's not always so much about the knowing, as it is about what we do with that knowledge.
Knowledge is power. Over time, Alpha has amassed a great amount of knowledge about me--who I am, what I like, the things that make me squirm, the way I'm going to react in any given situation, all the various little nuances that make me tick and encompass who I am as a person. And He applies that knowledge consistently.
Ttwd, is very much about knowledge. Not just in the physical sense, any idiot can learn how to flick a whip or tie knots (though it's good to know what one is doing to avoid physical damage). It is about the amazing abilities of the mind to apply what it learns and knows to Dominate or submit to another human being.
We dance in a delicate rhythm--He leads, I follow. Sometimes I step on His toes or try to dance to a different song. But He always brings me back in step. Occasionally He changes the music and moves our dance to a different tune. But it all forms around the knowledge He has about Himself and me. Who we are and where we are going.
Knowledge is infinite truth and possibility just waiting to be explored.
And that's it for my philosophical ramblings today lol.
Knowledge takes many forms and we seek it for many different reasons. That which I find valuable, might, to the next person, seem inconsequential and meaningless. It is when we reach the point of realizing that we know nothing, that we become capable of gaining knowledge. That's one of the reasons why being a teenager is such an angst ridden time--when you think you know everything, you are incapable of truly knowing anything.
Gaining knowledge is an ongoing process of learning and growth that continues until we die. If it doesn't, we become stagnant. Our growth and evolution is stunted and we are unable to live up to our full potential as human beings. How we apply what we know determines who we are. It's not always so much about the knowing, as it is about what we do with that knowledge.
Knowledge is power. Over time, Alpha has amassed a great amount of knowledge about me--who I am, what I like, the things that make me squirm, the way I'm going to react in any given situation, all the various little nuances that make me tick and encompass who I am as a person. And He applies that knowledge consistently.
Ttwd, is very much about knowledge. Not just in the physical sense, any idiot can learn how to flick a whip or tie knots (though it's good to know what one is doing to avoid physical damage). It is about the amazing abilities of the mind to apply what it learns and knows to Dominate or submit to another human being.
We dance in a delicate rhythm--He leads, I follow. Sometimes I step on His toes or try to dance to a different song. But He always brings me back in step. Occasionally He changes the music and moves our dance to a different tune. But it all forms around the knowledge He has about Himself and me. Who we are and where we are going.
Knowledge is infinite truth and possibility just waiting to be explored.
And that's it for my philosophical ramblings today lol.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Moving forwards
Alpha told me that when He gets His shit together (His words, not mine), He wants me to quit my job and go back to school. I was both thrilled and terrified. I would like to get my M.A. It would depend on Alpha being able to find work and would be complicated with our distance from everything, and the kids, and the list goes on. Maybe I'm just trying to talk myself out of it because it would be a pretty big step for me. But I am excited. Maybe I will be able to start in the Fall semester. We shall just see how the Spring and Summer shape up.
By telling me to go back to school, Alpha reminded me of the aspects of D/s that don't always get much attention--mainly, the factor of a Dominant encouraging His submissive's growth. I know that a part of Him would love for me to be home always; waiting at the door when He gets home every day. And a part of me would very much like that as well. But overall, as a person, I would feel unaccomplished. Like I had a purpose that I was wasting away.
I am reminded that He has faith in my abilities, in my intelligence, in me. That, while He calls the shots and I may not always like them, He always keeps my best interests in mind. That He will always push me to be better, to grow and evolve, to take another leap of faith.
I'm a little bit scared and a little bit excited.
By telling me to go back to school, Alpha reminded me of the aspects of D/s that don't always get much attention--mainly, the factor of a Dominant encouraging His submissive's growth. I know that a part of Him would love for me to be home always; waiting at the door when He gets home every day. And a part of me would very much like that as well. But overall, as a person, I would feel unaccomplished. Like I had a purpose that I was wasting away.
I am reminded that He has faith in my abilities, in my intelligence, in me. That, while He calls the shots and I may not always like them, He always keeps my best interests in mind. That He will always push me to be better, to grow and evolve, to take another leap of faith.
I'm a little bit scared and a little bit excited.
Monday, February 7, 2011
Disassociation
Okay, so I have been inspired by another blogger again. greengirl (whatiwonder over there on the right), brought up disassociation on her blog and in response to my comment, wondered (no pun intended hehe) about how Alpha keeps me from doing it and my experiences around it. Though I will probably diverge greatly from her context and background discussion of disassociation, I think it's actually a brilliant line of thought (hers, not mine lol). Many of us tend to do it either because we are always thinking, or past trauma, or to much going on in life, the list goes on.
For me, it was important to take a look at Why I just kind of went away in my head. Personally, it was trauma and a strong dislike of sex because of the trauma. These days, when it does happen, it's usually just because I am stressed out and think to much. But I used to be a regular, here are the keys at the front desk, I'm checking out Again person. I have more experience running away in my head than is really healthy lol. It was how I coped with the things that were done to me before Alpha and I just kind of carried it along into our relationship. It was kind of a "oh here he comes, bye I'll be leaving now. Check back in later" kind of thing.
I could have written the friggin textbook on disassociation. Alpha used to call me the ice queen. It wasn't a compliment. Going away in my head was way to escape from the things that happened to my body. A way to be somewhere else any time I was being touched. A great tool for evading the moment. And it really made for a horrible sex life which translated into a whole shitload of marital problems.
As I said before though, these days it only really happens if I am stressed and can't quiet my mind and keep myself in the moment.
Ttwd in itself has helped tremendously. Part of it is just the outright intensity surrounding our interactions--it has a way of blowing everything else to hell. It's being in that state of mind where nothing else matters. Only that moment.
Now disassociating scares me because I'm afraid it will spread like the flue or some shit and I'll just be stuck in that place. I don't ever go there on purpose, or even out of habit anymore. I don't use it to control my ability to process pain--I just try to sink so deeply into the experience that pain itself is something to fly on.
Alpha usually notices when I'm not all home almost as soon as I do. His reaction is always immediate and a quick response is expected--He grabs me by the throat, makes me look Him in the eye, and the statement is the same every time: "where are you at little one?" Depending on the answer, He will either pause to talk about it, or ramp up the physical action by slapping me or something equally shocking and instant. No matter what He does though, He always keeps eye contact. I think that itself is the biggest single contributor to His ability to pull me back. It makes me literally focus on nothing else.
I wouldn't say that He always Keeps me from dissociating, but He is quick to notice and respond so I spend much less time wandering around in my mind when we are together than I used to. The quicker He is at responding, the greater my ability to quell it before it really happens.
Life is about our human ability to experience. Existence is the joy of love, that amazement when your children are born, the crushing feeling of watching a loved one take their last breath--it is the vast range of emotions and experiences that make us perfectly flawed. It is the experience of being human. When we disassociate from situations, we are shorting ourselves on life and not living up to our potential as beings created with the ability to live the purity that is life, love, heartbreak, pain, discomfort, pleasure. The things that make us human. We inhibit our ability to live reality as it was meant to be (I'm not claiming that disassociating can't be a mind-saving tool during traumatic experiences, I would be the first person to say it can. Though, at some point, you do have to check back in which is never fun).
I think I wandered quite far from what greengirl was talking about, but I'm also pretty sure that the rest of us out here in blog land are sure she'll be great. Enjoy the experience.
For me, it was important to take a look at Why I just kind of went away in my head. Personally, it was trauma and a strong dislike of sex because of the trauma. These days, when it does happen, it's usually just because I am stressed out and think to much. But I used to be a regular, here are the keys at the front desk, I'm checking out Again person. I have more experience running away in my head than is really healthy lol. It was how I coped with the things that were done to me before Alpha and I just kind of carried it along into our relationship. It was kind of a "oh here he comes, bye I'll be leaving now. Check back in later" kind of thing.
I could have written the friggin textbook on disassociation. Alpha used to call me the ice queen. It wasn't a compliment. Going away in my head was way to escape from the things that happened to my body. A way to be somewhere else any time I was being touched. A great tool for evading the moment. And it really made for a horrible sex life which translated into a whole shitload of marital problems.
As I said before though, these days it only really happens if I am stressed and can't quiet my mind and keep myself in the moment.
Ttwd in itself has helped tremendously. Part of it is just the outright intensity surrounding our interactions--it has a way of blowing everything else to hell. It's being in that state of mind where nothing else matters. Only that moment.
Now disassociating scares me because I'm afraid it will spread like the flue or some shit and I'll just be stuck in that place. I don't ever go there on purpose, or even out of habit anymore. I don't use it to control my ability to process pain--I just try to sink so deeply into the experience that pain itself is something to fly on.
Alpha usually notices when I'm not all home almost as soon as I do. His reaction is always immediate and a quick response is expected--He grabs me by the throat, makes me look Him in the eye, and the statement is the same every time: "where are you at little one?" Depending on the answer, He will either pause to talk about it, or ramp up the physical action by slapping me or something equally shocking and instant. No matter what He does though, He always keeps eye contact. I think that itself is the biggest single contributor to His ability to pull me back. It makes me literally focus on nothing else.
I wouldn't say that He always Keeps me from dissociating, but He is quick to notice and respond so I spend much less time wandering around in my mind when we are together than I used to. The quicker He is at responding, the greater my ability to quell it before it really happens.
Life is about our human ability to experience. Existence is the joy of love, that amazement when your children are born, the crushing feeling of watching a loved one take their last breath--it is the vast range of emotions and experiences that make us perfectly flawed. It is the experience of being human. When we disassociate from situations, we are shorting ourselves on life and not living up to our potential as beings created with the ability to live the purity that is life, love, heartbreak, pain, discomfort, pleasure. The things that make us human. We inhibit our ability to live reality as it was meant to be (I'm not claiming that disassociating can't be a mind-saving tool during traumatic experiences, I would be the first person to say it can. Though, at some point, you do have to check back in which is never fun).
I think I wandered quite far from what greengirl was talking about, but I'm also pretty sure that the rest of us out here in blog land are sure she'll be great. Enjoy the experience.
Monday, January 24, 2011
Evolution of limiting thought forms
Okay, so now that the cleaning is out of the way, literally and figuratively lol, I may have something semi-interesting to say. lol, at least for myself.
Inspiration and evolution are two of the topics I find most fascinating in life. Inspiration maybe because it was such a big deal to my dad. But it will also lead you to new realizations, big steps, and, well, evolution.
My post yesterday had a lot to do with how I feel about who and what Alpha and I have become as a couple. There have been many steps along the way that got us to where we are today. Some baby steps and some leaps of faith that cannot be measured. Not all of them have been easy or enjoyable but they have all led us to where we stand now.
Often it's easy to slide into thought forms that limit who we are and what we are capable of becoming. Either because we are afraid, have formed the opinion that we don't like something before trying it, or because sometimes it's easier not to take a leap into the unknown (I'm sure there are more, but I noticed my posts are reading like I have been hard lining caffeine, so I'll keep the listings short lol). Everything evolves. At least to a certain extent. If we don't, life is stagnant and unchanging. We limit our ability to learn and grow.
Limits themselves evolve. If you had asked me in the beginning whether watersports would ever be considered, I would have said you were nuts. After events like kneeling in the bathtub, waiting in anticipation, and being pissed all over, I can safely say that limit has evolved and I no longer see it as such. Maybe part of the attraction is that I used to be so adamantly against it. I don't know. I truly believe that some limits will never change for us. They are basic limits that a lot of people new to the concept of BDSM seem to take for granted as applying to everyone (kids, dead people, shit like that). Though there are some that are just limits for us and that's fine--bloodsports and anyone else Dominating me are what come to mind (I feel compelled to add that for Alpha, it's another man Dominating me. Personally I feel very strongly that were He to ever allow another woman to Dominate me, I might hand Him her eyeballs. But that doesn't mean it won't ever happen I suppose).
Anyways, stepping outside of limits in a BDSM context, the point is, there are many limiting thought forms that are easy to succumb to. Maybe some are actually healthy. But if you never peek out, how will you see the vastness of possibility and evolution in action?
I'm sure I have not done the topic quite the justice it deserves but I will probably revisit it in the future because I think far to much.
Inspiration and evolution are two of the topics I find most fascinating in life. Inspiration maybe because it was such a big deal to my dad. But it will also lead you to new realizations, big steps, and, well, evolution.
My post yesterday had a lot to do with how I feel about who and what Alpha and I have become as a couple. There have been many steps along the way that got us to where we are today. Some baby steps and some leaps of faith that cannot be measured. Not all of them have been easy or enjoyable but they have all led us to where we stand now.
Often it's easy to slide into thought forms that limit who we are and what we are capable of becoming. Either because we are afraid, have formed the opinion that we don't like something before trying it, or because sometimes it's easier not to take a leap into the unknown (I'm sure there are more, but I noticed my posts are reading like I have been hard lining caffeine, so I'll keep the listings short lol). Everything evolves. At least to a certain extent. If we don't, life is stagnant and unchanging. We limit our ability to learn and grow.
Limits themselves evolve. If you had asked me in the beginning whether watersports would ever be considered, I would have said you were nuts. After events like kneeling in the bathtub, waiting in anticipation, and being pissed all over, I can safely say that limit has evolved and I no longer see it as such. Maybe part of the attraction is that I used to be so adamantly against it. I don't know. I truly believe that some limits will never change for us. They are basic limits that a lot of people new to the concept of BDSM seem to take for granted as applying to everyone (kids, dead people, shit like that). Though there are some that are just limits for us and that's fine--bloodsports and anyone else Dominating me are what come to mind (I feel compelled to add that for Alpha, it's another man Dominating me. Personally I feel very strongly that were He to ever allow another woman to Dominate me, I might hand Him her eyeballs. But that doesn't mean it won't ever happen I suppose).
Anyways, stepping outside of limits in a BDSM context, the point is, there are many limiting thought forms that are easy to succumb to. Maybe some are actually healthy. But if you never peek out, how will you see the vastness of possibility and evolution in action?
I'm sure I have not done the topic quite the justice it deserves but I will probably revisit it in the future because I think far to much.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Growing
Lately, i have been thinking about how we change and grow. Specifically M. We have learned ttwd together and wow has He ever evolved. It's like He took the concept of Dominance and dove in head first. Not a big stretch when it's been a part of one's personality forever i guess. Still, for as brutal as it can be, Dominance is a fine art; most of it mental. Throwing out things that didn't work, putting new tools in His box (and no, i don't mean the toy box), He just keeps on getting better at it. It makes me wonder sometimes, where we will be in five years, ten years, fifteen years...It's a bit like watching a lion break out of his cage--it's beautiful and dangerous, and self preservation tells you you should climb out of the ring but you want to see what he will do with his freedom. Then you realize that he was never really caged in the first place, he's just been biding his time waiting for you to open the door. And it's a glorious thrilling experience with no turning back because you are either all in or all out and there's no getting out now.
No doubt M will read this and take the opportunity to scold be about the dangers of chasing mountain lions (literally). But you know...i have always found them to be spectacular and enthralling creatures. How could a girl walk away from that?
No doubt M will read this and take the opportunity to scold be about the dangers of chasing mountain lions (literally). But you know...i have always found them to be spectacular and enthralling creatures. How could a girl walk away from that?
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