To Share One's Truth

I occasionally get emails from new subs asking for advice. The one thread that all my responses seem to have in common, is the assertion that they need to talk to their Dominant.
Given my tendency to be communication challenged, I am sure that Alpha finds great irony in that statement.

For me, one of the most freeing and wondrous things about ttwd, was the discovery that there was a space between us wherein I could tell him anything.

If you want to explore someone's mind, be closer to them than their skin, and be the person who defines their limits, you have to help that person develop the ability to spill their heart and soul to you.
A big part of that is realizing one cannot expect to be freely told someone's deepest darkest thoughts, if they are waiting to criticize what they hear.
You cannot expect her to bare her heart and soul if she believes that you are going to rip them out when she does.

Much as submission becomes easier when there is Domination for one to submit to, being completely open is quite a bit more appealing when you know that the response, while perhaps not necessarily what you want to hear, is not going to culminate in an argument--because he will accept you regardless of what you tell him, and you will accept his thoughts and decisions about whatever you have said.

Of course, there is also the little issue that if you use that space and acceptance as an excuse to be a disobedient and raging brat, you are going to lose it immediately.
A fact that I was clearly informed of and confronted with in the not so distant past.

But when we can achieve and maintain the ability to create that place in our relationships...

In that space, there is no shadow of yesterday, no suffering for tomorrow, just two people sharing a moment of pure and unadulterated truth.
When we empty our hearts and minds of the words and thoughts to which we hold on so tightly, that is the moment we gain the ability to share a meaningful silence that outweighs the power of words.

I think that sometimes, if we want to be really close, we have to empty out the space between us.
We do so by laying everything out on the table, and sifting through the piles until we can set them aside or throw them out.
Until all that is left is our shared silence.
The silence of acceptance, of redemption, of surrender, of knowing.
The silence of two people with nothing left to hide.
Simply being.

I Miss Our Space

Life around here has looked something like this lately:

One of the things that delighted me most when we discovered ttwd, was the discovery of a certain place.
Not a place like the bedroom, or any specific physical place. More of a space really.
A space where anything can be said, any secret spilled, any thought shared, any feeling aired, and while there may be consequences, there is no judgement. No argument. No strife. Just acceptance that it is what it is, and we are what we are.

I would give a great deal to rediscover that space. I am familiar with the ebb and flow of things that comes with living life. But quite honestly, at this point, I could give a crap less how "normal" it is.

We had an actual yelling and tears fight the other day. He had to go and nothing got resolved. Though he did return home with a very sweet and apologetic card which I appreciated very much.

And I have discovered just how infuriating it can be when someone feels the same way as you do. It doesn't sound like it should be infuriating right? Except it is.
When he says that he feels like I blame everything on him, and I feel like it's the opposite and that he acts like it's all my fault? It's like hitting your head on a brick wall. Repeatedly.

Sometimes blogging is hard. Because it's about self expression, it's about how I feel, it's about my life as I perceive it to be.
And sometimes I'm angry with him, sometimes I'm hurt at him, sometimes I'm sorry, and sometimes I'm not. Sometimes I feel critical--of him or myself. Sometimes I'm just damn well disillusioned with life.
Sometimes the blog becomes a point of contention, an expression of thought to argue about, the start of a fight.

He said that I have been about as un-submissive as humanly possible lately, and that's probably true. Though, I would be inclined to argue that there are heights not yet reached.

He asks me what's wrong, I don't want to tell him. Then I say it and he's angry.
'Round and 'round we go.

Oh hell, I don't even know why I'm bitching. Really, today has been a pretty good day.

I just miss that space. Our space. My place. Where anything can be felt, and anything can be said. Where everything can be shared and all can be bared. Where it is all okay because he loves, likes, and wants me despite it all. It gets lonely behind the walls when one becomes used to not being able to hide behind them.

I miss feeling like it's okay to bare my soul, like it's okay for him to know my private thoughts, like it would be an aberration for him not to know the thoughts in my mind...I miss feeling like at his feet is where I am meant to be, the way it feels when his hand strokes my hair and lingers on my neck...
I miss feeling like he finds me beautiful, feeling like he finds me pleasing, feeling like I am never alone in my own mind.

I miss that feeling. I miss the feeling that no matter what he sees, it is all going to be okay, and he will love me anyways.

O/our Space

Occasionally I find myself in a bit of a quandary (yes, I said occasionally. Go ahead, finish snorting your coffee and have a good laugh. I don't mind. Really).

The thing is, one can't ask for complete honesty from their submissive and expect that they are always going to be happy with what they hear.

Admittedly, communication is not my strong point. And I'm still working on the difficult art of disagreeing respectfully (look, that's not as easy as it sounds ya'know).
Because it's so hard to open my mouth and say something that makes sense and isn't offensive. Yea...Lol.

We have this space though...It's that place with my head on resting on his knee, or laying on his chest, a place where I can say anything, and no matter what I'm saying, it's okay because my words are true.

Perhaps that's one of the things I feel most bereft of (dramatic enough you think?) when we are just floating along vanilla style--I feel like that space kind of disappears. Due in no small part to a lack of those available moments I suppose.
And ironically, my already challenged communication skills manage to deteriorate even further lol.

I could just walk up to him and say, "I need your attention, I need your control, I need that conquered feeling to know I am complete."
And yes, I did say basically that...Followed by "We don't have to be this any more." His response was totally reassuring: "You would have a nervous breakdown."
Umm...Thanks for thinking of me? Lol.

Maybe submission shouldn't be, in such a large part, about a constant need to be conquered. Perhaps one day I'll grow past that.
You know, when I quit breathing at least lol.

I crave the D/s.
It progresses past want to need.
But what I really really need, is O/our space. That place where no matter what is happening, no matter what I tell him, no matter what he decides to do, no matter what is wrong in the world, all is right with us because there is nothing coming between him and I. Not even thought.

And D/s brings us that space. Without effort, without struggle.
It just is.
Us.

Where Everything Else Fades Away

There's nothing quite like the click as a knife snaps open. No matter where we are or what we are doing, that sound always brings me up short.

As the blade rests against my throat, my mind stills.
Thoughts slip away to the ache in my center as the knife slides lower

and lower

and the ache increases

my body melts under his touch.

As the blade slides between my legs, he warns me to stillness. Instead of fighting the shaking of my body, I give into the tremors until they subside.

He knows how this goes
as he peeks into my soul
and everything outside of
him
me
and his blade
fades away.

There are only two answers for every question:

"Yes Master."

"Yours Master."

Down...

Ironically, I am discovering that letting go is an act of will. In that moment when I begin to feel myself fighting, I make myself...Not. I use my will to bend to his, make it go whatever direction his will demands. And it's a bit of a new experience...

If I don't achieve some level of space, I don't enjoy sex. The first thing he says to me is always "down" and usually it takes a little while. I need help. I need something to happen that carries me there.

Last night he wrapped his hands around my head and told me "down."

And I went.

Too far to fast.

At first I felt all floaty and high. Then I felt like I was falling and developed an immediate case of vertigo. I really thought I was going to lose my dinner right there. The room was spinning, my stomach was somewhere in the vicinity of my head, and I felt a bit like I was a few shots past drunk.

Which is why I don't drink--I don't like that feeling.

He always knows if I am in space or not. I think he felt me pulling up, pulling back, grasping for solidity in my newly spinning world.

And it took me a minute to tell him what was going on when he asked. It seemed so...Ridiculous. "Yea, you told me 'down' and I feel like I went too fast. I have a terrible case of vertigo and am feeling like I'm going to puke right here."

Because really, who does that happen to, I mean, how totally ridiculous does that sound?
I have to admit, it sounds even more ridiculous in the light of day with my feet firmly planted on the floor and my head not spinning.

I hadn't realized that it was possible for me to go so far down so fast. And I think it took Alpha a bit by surprise too.

I knew he gave me butterflies. The vertigo? Well that's a whole new ballgame. Did I mention that I'm not sure I liked it?

Surrender

Surrender.

I have decided I like that word.

When I went to bed the other night, I was thinking about the concept of surrender.

To surrender is to yield to the possession or power of another, to give oneself up to an influence, an emotion, to something outside oneself.

I knew he was going to take my ass. I have mixed feeling about anal--sometimes fun and always no small amount of pain, so I tend to resist it.
This time though, I tried something different. I kept telling myself "just yield. Surrender."

And in the moment where I felt his will rushing in, the energy that is him flowing through me, the moment where normally I would fight back with my own in an attempt at holding on to the individual that is me, I instead chose to surrender. To open to him and all that he is. Just to sink into his power and let it flood through me.

In that moment I realized...That his iron will, the overwhelming power in his energy, the strength flowing through him, they scare me.

Afraid.

I have what I feel, is an odd relationship with fear--it a freezing killer to my submission. And yet, in some forms, it is also a huge turn-on. Not saying that's right lol, just that it...Is.

But this particular, and previously unrealized fear is not a turn-on. It's been my own little barrier to letting go.

If you had asked me yesterday morning if I was afraid of Alpha, I would have told you no--I do not fear him; though I do occasionally fear the things he may do, or the choices he may make, I do not fear him.
But last night I realized that I do fear the raw primal power that he exudes when I surrender.

When I had the realization I felt myself draw back and I realized that I didn't need to. I thought, "he has never caused me harm before, and I trust him. What happens if I just...go with it?"
Imagine that.
And I went with it. Let him crash through me like waves.

Yea. Wow.

Afterwards he drew me to him as he always does, and I laid my head on his shoulder like I always do.

Except this time, I told him, "I yield."

He tightened his grip around me and silently kissed the top of my head, and we went to sleep in a tangle of arms and legs.

Until he gave me what I call the dismissal kiss, which loosely translated means "you have to get off my shoulder because I really can't feel my arm anymore."

My Place in Our Space

Forty swats with the riding crop and I was done. Melted. Placed squarely back...in my place. Begging to know how to be where I belong and how I had gotten so far away from it in the first place.

Alpha's firm voice floating in my ears. Informing me that the answers I seek are simple. That the solution is a basic concept. "All you have to do is accept who and what you are."

He had offered to stop at twenty-two. And that insane woman who resides in my head chose to whisper "I can take more Master." We both knew that I needed to go beyond where I thought I could. So He picked the riding crop up again. As He brought it down across my ass, He said, "you need this don't you. It's not just a want. You need submission with all your being. This is who you are." Smack! "Yes Master."

And it is a need. Some deep part of my being that cannot be denied. Much like the Dominance in Him, it comes from the core of my being. Undeniable, unavoidable, no longer a want, but an acknowledged need. A huge part of me and who I am. Submission is in my bones, it flows through my veins.

He later told me "you think the simplest things are most complicated and the most complicated the simplest" (??). He wasn't interested in providing an explanation for the statement. Because, as He said, "I think you should spend some time thinking about it."

We moved to the couch and He asked me why I am so afraid of accepting who and what I am.

The truth is, I am afraid of who I am and what I will become when I let go. What I will be if I accept it. And that maybe He won't love me so much.
He knows it too. Gently tilting my face up towards His He said quietly, "it's okay to accept who and what you are little one. You can want anything. Because you are mine--and I will decide whether or not you get it."

Closer than skin will allow

We were curled up in bed last night and I was thinking about how much I love that feeling--those times when we become closer than our skin will allow.
I am looking for words to describe something beyond them...

To what purpose do we live the experience of ttwd? Because it reaches some deep seated need in our beings, because it is just a part of who we are? Because it deepens and enhances our relationships? Because it frees a part of ourselves and feels good? Is it a tool for growth which, like any tool, can be destructive as it is constructive? Because it brings us closer than our skin will allow...

I think that, for us, it is maybe all of the above. And perhaps over time those reasons will continue to evolve.

Imho, because ttwd strips away so much of the superficial aspects of ourselves, it allows us to be closer to another person than possible with purely physical intimacy. There is an unparalleled opening and exchange of energy. It brings us closer not only to each other, but to that Universal source of all that is. Ttwd becomes an altered state of mind where skin itself no longer separates us.

We use the physical intimacy of ttwd to transcend and go beyond the physical aspects of our connection.

Everything that exists is energy--matter is simply energy in form. And consciousness is a tool for directing and controlling energy. It is the deliberation of purpose when Alpha looks into my eyes and makes a move, His focus on that moment and the energy between us; as well as my openness to Him, that defines the energetic exchange between us. It defines that moment and what it will become.

Experiences I had before taught me how to shut off. How to send my mind away from what was happening to my body and avoid...Really being there at all. Once you get into the habit of separating your mind from your body, it's really hard to reestablish that connection and stay in the moment--even if it's a good experience.
I don't do that any more. Just like He can tell if I'm not in space, He knows if I'm not home and calls me back to Him immediately. Because when you distance your mind like that, you cannot ever truly be close. It makes intimacy impossible.
And isn't that so much of what ttwd is about, closeness, that intimacy, the unrivaled connection with another human being?

I can't really find words to define it. But I love those moments in our space--when we are closer than skin will allow.

Quit trying

We were curled up in bed last night. I was craving that particular mixture of Dominance and tenderness. And I couldn't say it, I couldn't tell Him that was what I needed to get back into my place--a helping touch, a little talk, just a few simple moments in the dark.

Alpha asked me what was wrong in that tender sweet tone of voice that makes me melt and feel really bad if I can't come up with words. I told Him that I just couldn't seem to find the path back to my place no matter how hard I tried.

His response was "quit trying then." So I did. And you know what? I found my way back.

A soft touch, a Dominating demand, a little small talk in the dark. Funny what can happen when you quit striving and just Be.

The Attractions of Addiction

 While I do have physical cravings, for the most part, I crave things that have very little to do with physical interactions. True, there's nothing quite like walking through the kitchen innocently minding my own business , and finding myself grabbed by the throat and pushed up against a wall (yes, I may have just erroneously suggested that I actually have business that's my own and called myself innocent, all in one sentence. Pffbbtt). Yet at the same time, what I crave about such moments is the mindset it puts me in. How those little reminders of my place and His make me feel inside. Not just the incredible physical sensation of having His hand wrapped around my throat (yes, my throat's still all jacked up, can you tell I've been missing certain things lol).

What I'm getting at in my own roundabout way, it that I crave the mental and energetic aspects of ttwd far more than the physical. Physical activities, while enjoyable (well, you know...), are often just another path to results that have very little to do with the body. In the beginning I think that I kind of resented that what Alpha enjoys most about our dynamic is control.
Somewhere along the line my feelings shifted and I realized that, while it is necessary for me to be able to exert control in daily life and the outside world, His control gives me a sense of safety and stability that I did not otherwise have. And physical control has very little to do with it.
It's kind of like being tied up versus  lying on your stomach and being told not to move your hands from behind your back--being tied up is great, but the mental control another person has to have over you to keep you still without physical bonds? That's even better. It becomes less superficial and goes below the surface aspects of experience. Because, no matter how close your bodies get, you can't be closer than when another person is inside your head.

Yesterday I talked a bit about space. I call it that for lack of a better word, but it's more like a shifting of consciousness. One that I am sure there are many paths to, with BDSM being just one. I think that it's a fairly human trait to reach for a higher sense of being; though many of us may lack it (ahem, evolution can be a painful process that some of us would just rather skip I suppose).

And I have said before that Dominance and submission is kind of like a drug--complete with a high and it's own addictive qualities.
So, while we're (yea, me, myself and I) comparing Dominance and submission (or BDSM overall for that matter) to drugs, from observing the overall effects, it turns into something that is more than a recreational experience. It becomes like a drug that is used not only for a certain sense of enjoyment, but for it's beneficial impacts (like heart medication or other drugs used for the physical or mental well-being they create). Like any drug, abuse or misuse can have terrible, even fatal, consequences. But done right? It can have miraculous and life changing results.

Of course, one of the big problems with recreational drugs, psychedelics specifically (besides the fact that it is an experience outside of reality, not within it), is that you think you have all the answers, but you can't really bring them back with you to the real world. But when ttwd becomes a way of life, the answers are always there, even if they can be difficult to grasp, and the experience becomes an integral part of the real world.

And I can hear the straight edged people cringing and criticizing my choice of drugs as an analogy. In fact, I could probably feed them their own arguments almost verbatim. But that's okay, because those same people are the ones most likely using ones from over the counter for health or maybe not so much. And I think my analogy is fitting; though, just for the record...
I'm not big on drugs. And personally, I think that I have been a very good girl on that front. Lol.

But I do have a bit of an addiction. And luckily for me? Supply and demand is not in my hands.

Stillness of Being

Being silent or doing nothing are not the same things as being still. Being physically still is not the same as stillness of being.
Life is full of shit. And sometimes, when you stop to smell the roses, you just step on thorns. And then you get swept away in the overall craziness that constitutes daily life. And the first thing to go? That all to often elusive, stillness of being.

Most of the time, I feel that I lack the ability to turn off my thoughts. My mind is always moving, questions constantly forming, brain continually on go.
D/s has helped me with a great number of personal issues; from sex to stability in daily life, to overall happiness and the way I approach life in general, to the health of my marriage and coping with past abuse. Most of all, for my mind? It brings me stillness of being.

Lately I haven't been able to clear my mind. To slow down, stop the thoughts, and just...Be.
For the most part, subspace is easy to fall into. It's always there, one step off to the side, and there I am--down into the infinite abyss.

Over the last few weeks? I reach for space and, like a breath of air, it slips through my fingers. I teeter on the edge looking down, I step off the edge, and I can't fall in. I feel it brushing against my toes, I can smell it in the air, see it in my peripheral vision, and brush lightly against it. But I cannot float in it cannot feel my being sink below the surface, cannot slide over the edge. It's not just subspace, it's our space, and when I'm on the outside looking in at Him, it's lonely for both of us.
Because that stillness of being is hard to grasp these days. My mind won't slow down enough to let go and just Be. Normally it's like a circle, starting at one point and feeding through with space comes stillness of being, with the stillness comes space--that yin and yang where each side is essential for the other sides existence and stability, where together they create completion.

Stillness of being is not the same as sitting still. It's an essential space that is part of, and essential to...space.

Energetic exchange

You hear a lot about the physical aspects of D/s and BDSM (or whatever the hell you feel like calling it, I'm not feeling to particular tonight lol), and the mental aspects even get a fair amount of attention. Rarely though do you see people talk about the energetic aspects. Maybe that's because they aren't always there? Or maybe it's not scientific and clear cut enough to get much attention? Maybe it falls into the cookoo-for-cocoa-puffs category but oh well. Frankly, I'm to tired tonight to really give a fuck who thinks what lol. Anyways, it's something I thought about all day (except for when I was sitting on the curb getting that stupid citation because my boss let his registration slide, but I'm trying to rein in my bitching). Alpha and I used to play with energy even before discovering ttwd, but not as in depth as we do now. I guess it's not really play anymore.
Energy flow changes everything. In my mind, the exchange and mutable ability of energy are as important as the mental intricacies of BDSM. Not having that would be like having the physical experience without the any mental aspects--it's just...not the same. Mental and energetic aspects are deeply entwined because they feed on each other. Thoughts focus energy, energy deepens the connection.

When I'm with Alpha he expects me to open the gates so to speak. There is a continual exchange and flow of energy which I think is a large part of what I call subspace because that's the most fitting word I have found. It's difficult to put into words, but I can feel Him and I know He feels me in a way that words don't really do justice. It's like an opening of minds to exchange more than physical contact. It is a kind of intimacy beyond sex (though, might I say, they do go very nicely together). Because what is more private than the essence of your being, the thoughts that can't be expressed because no one made words for them, the one place no one can ever really see? The only way I can think to describe it is that it feels like He steps into my mind with His own and wraps it around me kind of like waves. The more you do it the better it gets--kind of like D/s and experience.
I am well aware that there are endorphins and varies physical and scientific coolness that happens in the body during pleasure or pain or those heightened states we get into. But I don't believe that to be the only explanation.

Ttwd has enhanced our experiences with, and explorations of, energy play/exchange/whateverthefuck you wanna call it. And I wonder if it is always there for every D/s experience between everyone? At least to some extent? I'm actually curious about this so feel free to fulfill any compulsion you may have to answer that question lol. Of course, if you want to tell me I'm crazy, I will no doubt have something rude and hopefully semi-intelligent to say (the cynicism of my day hasn't worn off yet. Can you tell?), but such is life.

The problem for me is, I spent a lot of life blocking up that energetic/mental gate that comes into play with Alpha and I. Because it's hard as hell to open and close at will. We all walk around broadcasting thoughts and emotions, trying our hardest to suppress what we don't want the world to see, thinking we are hiding what's on the inside. And most of the time, it works because none of us really want to feel and know the random people we come in contact with on a daily basis. We're so closed off that we can't feel/hear/sense it anyways. Of course, there are people who do a great job of opening and closing that gate at will (I married one of them). I however, am not. At some point in life, I decided that me and everything I am was all in or all out, one way or another, black, white or orange, no gray areas or in between. Somehow, it applied to all of me lol and it impacts a lot about my life. Even my little gates and boxes (I thought they were useful and nicely wrapped, lol. He keeps breaking them down and tearing off the wrapping).

I'm really to tired to do this subject justice and I have no clue if this post even makes sense. But it was on my mind so out it came. Kind of like when the brain says "stfu" and the mouth keeps talking...

Down...

I'm an attention whore and I quit denying it some time ago. Last night I was a bit put out because Alpha had spent most of His day doing research on the car (looks like we will be looking for a new engine sometime soon. Oh yay). Anyways, I watched a scary movie (it is Not the same if He's sitting in front of the computer. I mean, like He would have time to save me from the creepies from all the way over there. Sheesh) and pouted my way towards bed. He came in and put me through the ringer for a minute wanting to know what my problem was (like He didn't know). Then He did something unusual--He rolled me over on top of Him and stroked my back until He got His answers. Much to my disgust, they were ridiculously honest--I'm an attention whore, I want most of His attention all the time (I am willing to share some with the children, they get half the rest is mine), and I'm really quite selfish about it.
I think He finds it amusing to make me admit to my attitudes now that we have reached the point where if He actually gets annoyed with me I crumple like a piece of paper (it's really the most annoying thing ever. I used to always be up for a good fight. Now, one put angry word from Him and I'm wallering around at His feet like a lost puppy. It's quite disgusting).

Somehow He turned me upside down and inside out.

Sometimes I go so far down I can't tell which way is up. Words seem like an annoyingly unnecessary, not to mention impossible, construct. Honestly, I didn't think I was going to get anywhere near there last night lol. My mind has been busy with a constant stream of worry and bitching about the realities of life as we know it.

Then somehow, I ended up so far down
that I couldn't see straight
and I couldn't tell which way was up.

I get annoyed when I'm that far down and Alpha makes me use words--assuming I'm even capable of identifying individual emotions at that point lol. I have pointed out before, that He can hear me anyways (it's the bat radar you know), so what's the point? He seems to think it has something to do with keeping me connected to reality. Pfft, reality sucks lol.

And the reality today, is that it's time for me to haul my lagging ass off to work.

Being still...

Life has really started hauling me around by my ears lately and the hits just keep on coming so I could be here just do bitch this morning lol, but I had something a bit more tolerable in mind.

The other night Alpha was tired. I was tired. Tired plus tired should equal sleep right? Well, not quite. He is of the opinion that sleep is always better after sex. Even if yours truly is half asleep already. Me, I tend to think it's an unnecessary activity when you are really already asleep and is best performed while conscious. Of course, my meek and polite (oh fine, laugh), objections are completely ignored. Needless to say, I wasn't all there which He finds quite intolerable. I just couldn't quiet my mind and let shit go. After all, in my defense, there has been a load of shit lately lol.
Anyways, I'm lying there trying far to hard to drift into space while simultaneously hating my job and thinking about people who owe us money and bills that need to be paid (I know, super sexy right). Of course, He knows I'm not "down." It's like bat radar or some shit. He can tell from a mile away if my head isn't where He wants it to be.

He stopped. Grabbed my head, rested His forehead on mine, and said, "just be still. Let it all go. There's nothing here except you and me and the sound of my voice. Just us and the dark. Be still with me." After a few minutes He began to command me down...and down...and down...and I went...down.

Moving into a concept that Alpha and my father shared well--the ability to just sit and be still. No unnecessary words, no rambling thoughts, just...being. I'm horrible at it. I mean, really awful. My brain just doesn't know when to shut the fuck up. I'm always thinking--usually about five or ten different things at once and most of them are problems or things that I have problems with. So, being "still" is really difficult for me. It's the biggest wall between me and subspace--my mind. Which I suppose is the biggest hurdle between me and anything else lol. But it's an interesting and useful concept--just being still.

Stop...

Bring me up short

make me...

stop

take a moment

breathe a breath

climb inside my head

hear the words unsaid.

i know i'm fighting you

yet i don't know why.

i love you

i need you

to whip me until i cry

to erase all else from my mind

take another step into the abyss.

Is it blind faith that leads us along,

is it dreams that make us strong?

Don't bitch and snap at me

take a moment

make me

stop

bring this vicious little circle to a halt

help me go

down

down

 down...

to that place where nothing exists

except for you

and me

that place where you become a part of me

and i live only for you.

Sometimes i run and hide

from the things inside those doors you opened in my mind.

Last night i curled up to your back

and i cried because i realized that 

i truly do live for you and i never want to lose you.

Every adult experience i have had,

every dream i can conceive of,

every moment of my life

is what it is because i am your wife

You are my strength

my dreams

my peace.

Somewhere along the way

you became my reason for being.

Here's to a new year.

i love you Master.

When the brain says "STOP!" and the mouth keeps speaking...

Okay, so the funny thing about being submissive is you're not the one who gets to choose when to submit. Imagine that lol. i have been terribly mouthy today. The kind of mouthy where i'm talking, and my brain says "shut up!" as His eyebrows lower and my mouth, well it just keeps on moving. i'm an attention whore. i know it and i'm not to bad at controlling it a fair amount of the time. i know it's not M's fault we hardly ever see each other and He's working on my day off. He's just doing what He has to. i have no doubt that i have earned myself attention--attention that will make me squirm and beg for an ending. He snapped the belt at me earlier in a not so subtle threat that He will no doubt remember later. All because when my brain said "hush," my mouth said, "fuck you!" i know my place. i just need reminders lol. That sounds weak even as i type it, but it's true. After days of not being in our space and just dealing with the trials of life, it's difficult not to fight.
We were in the shower, M frowned at me, "you complained when i didn't let you up for a week, and you haven't been down for a week; now look at you--thinking your the queen of Sheba, ready to take over the world and shit." i tried my best to convince Him it was a good idea as i was bent over gracelessly attempting to shave my legs in less than ample space. The replying motion was quite graceful--as my head slid up the wall of the shower with His hand around my throat and that wicked grin that tells me there's more to come later. And me? Yea, still not graceful creeping up onto my toes in an attempt to match the rise of His hand with a razor dangling precariously from my fingers. "Do a good job little one, i'll be checking later." i may be a shit sometimes, but somehow i ended up with the man of my dreams.

Fantasies i try not to share with myself...

Talking with myself yesterday about my issues brought up another issue. Well, not so much an issue as a fantasy that's probably a really bad idea to play out because of my past. As much of an eye as M keeps on my mental health, i'm not even sure He would do it. Rape scenes fascinate me. Weirdly enough, i do have fantasies about rape but they all involve M saving me. That one as an acted out fantasy would be a disaster lol. It would be like signing some poor man up for execution.
By all rights, i should have no interest or curiosity in acting out rape fantasies of any kind. The thought itself should have me curled up in a ball...Yet it's there. I think it's the one fantasy i may have never shared with M (until He reads this lol). i'm not sure why i have kept this one to myself. i bury it so far down that it doesn't even occur to me when i'm in space and He's making Him share my fantasies. i mean, i have told Him of far dirtier and twisted fantasies so why is this one different? It's not because it's taboo, i mean, it's taboo to admit i'm enough of a whore that i have the fantasy of a group of men cumming all over me (yea, that one was hard to admit). Yet, at the same time, not all fantasies were meant to become reality. Just because i have a fantasy of being used by two men at once, doesn't mean i could physically or emotionally handle it. M is my gage of what i can and cannot cope with. And i'll admit, it's probably a shitty job to have. i appreciate that M is careful with my mind and heart; even when it comes to His own fantasies. He wants to play with another woman and He wants me to find her; however, He questions my ability to cope with it. He decided that it would be best to start online--i find Him someone to play with and then possibly move the fantasy to real life. i'm falling on my face with that. i started really trying--just being myself and admitting right off the bat that i'm a jealous little slut, what i'm looking for, and why. As soon as i took that route, i became far more gracefully accepting of the idea and felt less resentment. Still shitty at picking up women though lol as i have made no progress whatsoever.

Another completely unrelated thing i have been thinking about is space. Subspace, Domspace, O/our space. Last night, for some reason, i had a really hard time going down. i don't know why. i wasn't thinking about anything in particular, i didn't have something weighing on my mind, i just couldn't go down deep. M asked me why i was fighting Him, and i honestly couldn't say. He knows in an instant if i'm not in space. Its a place we share together and He's not happy if i'm not in it. A lot of people talk about subspace, some people talk about Domspace (like a rare event), but i haven't found anyone who talks about O/our space (if it's there to read and i have been blind, someone please send me the link lol). It's the place we both go when we play together. So, for us, is there subspace and Domspace, or is it all O/our space? i think that when i'm floating around the house and He's keeping me down with that sadistically pleasured glint in His eyes, i'm in subspace. When we are along together, and He's swimming in my mind, we are in O/our space...
i really need to work on my conclusions lol. Children make them near impossible.