Where Everything Else Fades Away

There's nothing quite like the click as a knife snaps open. No matter where we are or what we are doing, that sound always brings me up short.

As the blade rests against my throat, my mind stills.
Thoughts slip away to the ache in my center as the knife slides lower

and lower

and the ache increases

my body melts under his touch.

As the blade slides between my legs, he warns me to stillness. Instead of fighting the shaking of my body, I give into the tremors until they subside.

He knows how this goes
as he peeks into my soul
and everything outside of
him
me
and his blade
fades away.

There are only two answers for every question:

"Yes Master."

"Yours Master."

Inversion?

Alpha got me an inversion table for my birthday because the Dr recommended it for my back. He put it together last night and I think it's safe to say, that a large part of it's use will have absolutely nothing to do with the condition of my back.

Really?

The other day, Alpha brought up the idea of making me as for permission to use the toilet (would that mean I'm free to use the evil glass on my own? I doubt it). I was thinking about it last night while stewing  obstinately about not being allowed to go pee--I really had to go dammit. The funny thing is, after I thought about it for a little bit, I started to develop a different relationship with the concept (keep in mind that it was late at night and I really shouldn't be held to any claims made after 10 PM). It's an annoying and fascinating concept. While exploring my irritation with the whole idea and still needing to pee rather badly, I came to the conclusion that it would be a disgustingly great reinforcement of submission. There are times when He makes me ask for permission to pee and occasionally, when I'm in the right frame of mind, I ask without thinking (wtf?). It's really one of those most basic human needs and functions and not having control over it for yourself is a constant reminder of who's in charge. On the other hand, I have been doing it on my own for quite some time now and I think I'm fully capable of continuing to do so lol. I guess I will just wait and see whether He decides to put it into practice or not...

Alpha walked up to me last night to show me "the really cool instrument of torment that magically appeared in the freezer for Me!" Ummm, anything frozen and solid in a shape compatible with being stuck up my ass is not in the least little bit cool. Though in all fairness, for someone who's a bit of a pain slut and despises cold, it's probably a great punishment tool from the standpoint of the Sadistic Bastard wielding it. Okay, okay, I admit--after one use it would probably correct the offensive behavior in one go, but lets not dwell on the possible success rate. It's far more important to focus on what kind of man would do such a thing to a poor innocent little sub (go ahead, laugh from the warm comfort of your chair).

Kitchen utensils and letting go

What is the appeal with kitchen utensils? They aren't sexy, they look inconspicuous and completely not dangerous. But they are vicious little instruments. It's goodbye metal spoon, hello cheese grater. Fucking cheese grater! I always knew I hated that thing, just not how much lol.

We were lying in bed afterwords and I asked Alpha why He thought I had never used my safe word. He said it's because He knows my breaking point better than I do and stops just short of there. Thinking about it, He's right. There have been many times when I was literally taking a breath to scream it out and...He stopped.
I admitted to Him that I requested a safe word in the beginning because it would give me the freedom to use words like "stop" and "no" without Him feeling obliged to reassess what He was doing and honor them.
He has asserted the idea before that I not have a safe word.
So last night
I gave up my safe word. For good.

I've been told

I've been told that I have a new best friend. She's common, shiny, and deceptively innocuous. Why, why do my kids lose the plastic spatulas, break the wooden spoons (okay, so wooden spoons are not to be underestimated, but still), and leave all variety of dishes outside for the dogs, yet they cannot manage to lose one simple metal slotted spoon?? I knew I didn't want anymore friends. They always hurt you one way or another lol.

Foreplay?

i complained about the lack of foreplay. About fifty strikes in (i lost count and the Sadistic Bastard started over lol), He said, "last night Was foreplay." Only a parent would count sleeping on the couch as foreplay! Needless to say, i won't be complaining anymore and i will certainly brush up on my counting skills lol.
We were lying there, and i asked Him why He insisted on keeping the light on every time we play or fuck (i feel that bright lighting does not highlight my best features). He looked at me sweetly and said, "because it's easier for me to tell how you are doing and make sure you're okay when i can see you. Plus you're sexy." How sweet. Then out came the riding crop. What kind of twisted shit is it to make someone keep count, say please and thank you, AND ask for more?! Lol.

Uumm...

A riding crop...What ever was i thinking buying that vicious little instrument that must have been created in hell? i mean seriously, anyone who uses that on a horse is just mean lol. i underestimated it...i tried to say i thought i had made a terrible mistake and it should be returned to Santa. By then it was to late though. He had already discovered that it had flex and could easily be used on my entire body. He refused to send it back to Santa in exchange for a less evil implement.
Merry Christmas and holy shit that hurts! Okay, well maybe i like it just a little bit...