Automatic Responses

I have spent a lot of my blogging time carefully adding phrases like, "In my opinion, I think, just my two cents, I believe, I'm not an expert, etc" and avoiding blanket statements like "this is how it works, this is why that is, this is how it's done, this is right, this is wrong, etc".
Sorry, but I think I might be over that. For the simple reason that the whole blog is about what I think, and if someone can't tell that these are just opinions, then they should really consider restricting their internet access for their own well-being.

That being said...

In the beginning of our forays into D/s, I had a terrible case of what is commonly termed "sub frenzy". Otherwise known as that god-awful state of needing everything yesterday in such a terrible way that we're lucky our Dominants don't throw us off a bridge.

In retrospect, all that "needy now now now" stuff was not only somewhat irrational, it was asking for the impossible.
Because the only way to get to certain places, is to travel to them. And that trip takes time. In fact, I like to think that the journey never ends--there are always new discoveries to be made and lessons to be learned.

One of the (many) things that takes time, is automatic responses.
Automatic responses aren't about having a thought or making a choice, they're about that moment when your will becomes his so completely that you don't even realize it.

The automatic response comes from all those previous thoughts, every little choice to submit, every second of obedience, and every moment of surrender, that leads up to the moment when his will is your own.

Much of the beauty of being alive lies in the fact that we all possess free will. Even in situations where we have absolutely no control whatsoever, we still have the free will to make little choices within those situations.

Submitting is about choosing to align our will with our Dominant's. Over, and over, and over, and over again. Until it becomes an automatic response, until we have done it so many times, that we cannot always tell where our will ends and theirs begins.

We often say that we can't leave, we can't cut our hair, we can't wear certain clothing, buy certain things, make certain decisions on our own, etc.
Technically, that isn't exactly correct. And if it is, that's not D/s--it's abuse.

More accurately, we have exercised our own free will, and have chosen to give him control. Then we repeated that choice a million times in millions of tiny ways, until we came to believe that those choices were no longer ours to make. Because we spent years aligning our will with theirs until obedience became an automatic response.

Don't get me wrong, I don't think that automatic responses are like a blanket that covers everything at once--there are still many things I balk at, fight against, think twice about, question, etc. And then there are times and events when there is no act of choosing, no concept of my own free will, and no thought whatsoever. Just automatic responses to his exertion of will.

This moment always makes me weak in the knees...

Yea...This whole spiel was inspired by a very non-D/s moment as I was squatting up on scaffolding--he was cutting a board extremely close to my feet and told me not to look. My eyes instantly closed. He laughed and said he loved me. In retrospect, I do wonder if he was joking about not looking...

Free Will

Free will is something Alpha and I have talked about rather extensively. In fact, His email is "iamherwill" lol.
It's not a new concept, the idea that free will is really all we have when everything else is stripped away--the one thing we were all given by our creator that can never be completely taken from us.
Even in situations where we are not in control, we still have free will. Even if it's only in how we choose to perceive the situation and the emotions we allow ourselves to have within any given experience.

So how does one in fact give their free will to another? Shouldn't it be, by definition, impossible for one's free will to belong to someone else?
Perhaps it depends on the context in which you look at it. Alpha and I had a conversation about free will, specifically mine, a while back (you know, one of those where I was so far under I couldn't see straight which is hardly fair if you ask me. He didn't of course lol). He wanted it. My free will.
And that freaked me out. Because, really that's impossible right. And without free will, what are we?
The thing was, He wanted me to keep the key (look, metaphor is fun, so pfbt). Because was there really any more secure place to keep it than within the recesses of my own mind? He wants me to exert my free will in daily life. But when it comes to Him? He wants my will to be His.

We all exercise our free will every day no matter who we are. The choice to pause between breaths or turn our heads are simple expressions of free will which are so simple, we don't even think about it.

All living things are born with free will. It's the one thing we all have in common. You could argue that we are largely shaped by our culture and environment; that our actions and perceptions will be a reflection of those things and as such, many of the choices we make are largely predetermined. And while that may be true, we still have the ability to question, to shape our own opinions, to make choices that take us outside of what we have been taught and raised to believe.

So yes, ultimately, we are all born and die with free will. It can't really be taken away. But it can be given freely of itself in the moment.

Because handing over free will, as logically impossible as it may be, is the ultimate expression of that will. And when Alpha reaches out for mine, it becomes His.

Consent and abuse

Consent is one of those topics that gets a fair amount of time under the limelight. A lot of people say that the biggest difference between BDSM and abuse is consent. I disagree. Even abusive relationships require consent. Now, I'm sure this will get plenty of people up in arms sputtering away and running to tell me how wrong I am and that's fine. But I'm still going to think I'm right lol. So slander my opinions if you want but this is an area where they are not going to change. I have spent far to much time on the phone in the middle of the night and watching Alpha go pack up their shit to believe that abuse does not require some form of consent from the abused partner.

Now, before everyone goes getting their panties in a twist, this post is not intended to be a dig at women in abusive relationships. It is simply my musings about consent and abuse just like the title says. My sister has become the poster board for the formation of my beliefs and I don't love her any less for it.

I will accept the concept that it is possible to be so abused that you can't tell up from down and lose the concept of what a healthy relationship is; that it is possible to be so afraid, that you stay with an abuser because of fear for your life or the lives of your children. I will not however, accept the concept that the biggest difference between BDSM and abuse is consent. Sure, no one says "lets spend the night breaking everything in our house in front of the kids while you beat the shit out of me, oh yay!" But when it comes to abuse, after a certain amount of time (the first time), staying equals consent. Before throwing things at the computer, or rushing to tell me how full of shit I am (be my guest, I haven't deleted a comment yet and don't really intend to start now), take into account how many times I have watched women go back to these shit relationships when they had gotten out and were offered every support necessary to start over without the asshole (aka abusive shit bag. Take your pick of terms, there are plenty to go around).

The long and short of it is, to be in an abusive relationship requires the consent of the abused as well as abuser. By staying with an abuser, the abused are giving their consent for the abuse to continue--whether they realize it or not. That's my opinion from both inside and outside of the situation.
I am not talking about when BDSM turns into abuse because that's not something I have any experience with and I would imagine the complications to be much deeper.

Since I have a house full of kids who are now beginning to stir, I'll end my ramblings here. I realize that I didn't go into the actual differences between BDSM and abuse but I'm always happy to share my opinions (because after all, I just Know that I am usually right). Rumor has it March is Q&A month here in blog land so if you want an excuse to throw more shit at your computer, ask away lol.