In Which lil Eats Her Words...

Yesterday, I woke up at 2:30 A.M to the sound of music booming across the neighborhood. Amazingly, my husband was able to not hear it until I said something about it...He tried to blame me. And he practically slept in until 4:00! Naturally, quiet descended at 5:00, after we had already consumed that first glorious cup of coffee. So of course he made me go back to bed for morning sex and a nap.
I know, terrible, right?
This morning I woke up to snow. Not sure which is worse.

Anyways...You were wondering which of any vast number of words I was planning on choking on?
Patience dear friends, patience.

First, I would just like to say:
Hallelujah,
praise be to the heavens,
thank you all of the Gods above and below,
sweet deities long since forgotten,
and the powers that be,                  
soccer season is overrrrrrrrrr!

I simply cannot overstate that fact.

Now where was I? Oh, choking on my words. Lots of them in fact--it's one of the drawbacks of a tendency towards excessive verbosity.

A couple of months ago, I wrote a post about D/s without punishment.
My darling husband had the gall to suggest that I print a retraction. After careful research into the archives, and no small amount of consideration, I respectfully declined (okay, my refusal might have been slightly less dignified than my wording implies).

The post was fairly well received.
I meant every single word that I wrote.
He said everything that I said he said (seriously, I checked--it's in print).

Suddenly, he insisted on the return of the book, and began beating my ass punishing me for infractions.
Wtf?
I just went and made public statements to the contrary you know!

How could we possibly be happily existing on such very different pages? I mean, this is important stuff, right??

"You mean you've been punishing me under a different label therefor insuring that, not only am I getting punished, I am completely missing out on the sense of absolution that really should come with it??!"

Apparently, D/s works with or without punishment.
But switching back and forth should really be against the rules. I mean, what happened to the notification process?? In retrospect, it probably went the way of the complaints department...     

And here I thought he was just picking on me for fun.

Now I know for sure that he's doing it wrong...

D/s Without Punishment?

A question on one of my old posts brought the concept of punishment to the forefront of my mind again. Specifically, how our D/s works without it.

In all honesty, there are still days when I miss punishment. Or more accurately, I miss the absolution and sense of having a clean slate that punishment brings.

In the spring of last year, he announced that punishment would no longer be a part of our dynamic. I may have had a minor meltdown. "You can't have D/s without punishment?! Now I know you're doing it wrong!"
Yea...I even tested the waters a bit. You know, see if he could be provoked into a retraction. Nope. He stuck to his decision like glue. I swear I went through withdrawals.

No punishment doesn't mean that I get away with anything that wasn't allowed before. It's just...Different.

Being the logical man that he is, Alpha patiently explained his reasoning while I panicked and bounced off the walls like a deflating balloon.
He wants me to submit because I need to, because I want to, because of a sense of personal motivation on my part; not because of threat of punishment.
He said that there's enough punishment in the world, without having it in our relationship. Plus, I am apparently quite good at self-punishment. Too bad it comes without the sense of absolution...

I have adapted, and I can see the point and value in his perspective--I am responsible for my own behavior. If I need to be Dominated, I will submit. If I know better, then I should be better. He doesn't feel that it's his job to force me to submit every time I balk at something.

It's not to say that there are not consequences, or that I get to do whatever I want. There is often instant discipline if I step over the line, but he refuses to call it punishment.
There is also the painful fact that one of the terrible side effects of D/s is that his disappointment is utterly crushing.
Seriously, wanna see full grown Little Miss Independent turn into a quivering ball of tears? Catch me in that moment after he says he's disappointed in me.

I miss the sense of absolution that punishment brings. But I also now see the sense in holding myself responsible for my actions as opposed to expecting him to do it for me.

I want to be his and am willing to do whatever is necessary for that to be our reality. Because it is who I am, and I need it. Punishment is ultimately unnecessary for us to accomplish that.  

There are many healthy and fully functioning D/s relationships that utilize punishment. I think that there are also more D/s relationships than people realize, which do not have punishment as part of the dynamic.

In some odd, and perhaps twisted way, withholding punishment becomes a punishment in and of itself--there will be no absolution to look forward to after I fuck up, there will be no pain to wash it all away. There will be bitter disappointment, and the knowledge that I did wrong.

Since this post originated with a question, I think now would be a good time to add that no punishment doesn't mean no pain.
Sometimes I need that beating, the pain and absolution that washes the weight of life away. And I get it. It just does not come in the form of punishment.

Alpha has many responsibilities. One of those is helping me to be what he expects me to be by creating an environment where I desire to submit to him.
Ultimately, this is a consensual arrangement, and I am responsible for exhibiting the kind of behavior that I know makes our arrangement function well.

Taking punishment out of our dynamic was his way of ensuring that my submission always comes from an inner desire and need to please him, not fear of repercussions.

He is still just as patient and strict as ever, perhaps more so. Above all else, he expects that I will do my best to please him. It is a simple and all-encompassing expectation that is not always easy to accomplish. But I try. Because this is who I am, and he is what I need.

Even though this is quite the ramble, I have a feeling that I somehow managed to leave a lot out...

Life Without Punishment

Life without punishment...
It doesn't sound very twue Master/slaverly does it? Maybe it's not, who knows (I'm sure someone out there thinks that they do).
Alpha doesn't punish me anymore.

Yes, there is usually instant discipline, but according to him, it's not punishment. You figure that one out on your own lol.
Send me the memo when you're done unraveling the mysteries of Masters.

I was sure that my brain circuitry was frying during that first few months. I may have even occasionally been a unspeakable bitch bit of a brat--just to see if I could get him to change his mind you know.

Yea...Once the man has made up his mind, no amount of snark or begging is going to change it.

But I have to admit that this whole "No punishment for lil," approach has accomplished a couple of things--there is no more acting out to feed a need for pain.
And I spend more time obsessing about correcting my own mistakes, and far less time thinking about what he should be doing about them.

I do still struggle in regards to equating punishment with care though--if he doesn't punish me, does he actually give a crap what I do?
Oh hush--logic has no place here!
His reply to such statements is usually something along the lines of, "Of course I care. I just want you to be a good girl and do as you're told because you want to please me, not because you'll be punished if you don't."

I have to admit, that sounds terribly logical...

But wait! I cannot allow something as clear and basic as logic to make sense! Oh no...Because then I would feel silly about my illogical little mind.

I do still have what I so affectionately named, "The punishment book." Of course, naming it that didn't magically bring back the punishment system. But it has helped me to remember the things I forget and hold myself accountable for them.
Though I must say, holding oneself accountable is a hell of a lot more difficult than having someone else do it for you.

Punishment Book

You know how sometimes you have an idea, and that brain-to-mouth filter (amazingly), kicks in, and tells you that it's really not a good idea? Then you sit on it for a while but it keeps coming back until one day, against your better judgement, you tell them your idea?

I started the sentence around four days ago. I actually finished it yesterday.
He raised his eyebrows, asked me quietly if I knew exactly what that would mean, and then proceeded to tell me that ideas were like a can of worms--once opened there's no shoving them back in, and no I couldn't take it back.

Oops.

Here's the thing though--I have rules (reasonable rules at that)...And a really crappy short term memory. So I forget things...And he doesn't want to spend all his time monitoring me. Then I feel like he doesn't care if I do as I'm told or not. Then I forget again and he feels like I don't even try. And and and...

So, against my brain's better judgement, my mouth opened and raised the idea of a rule book. Okay, not so much a rule book, as a punishment book. Yes, I'm slightly obsessed with books, and said obsession might have expressed itself in a rather dangerous way lol.

His response was, "You realize that means you will be responsible for making a note every time you break a rule, and bringing the list to me?" Ummm...Crap. "Yes, I realize that. Can I take it back now?" He laughed at me! "No, you may not take it back."

So I found a notebook...And he said he didn't think it was big enough (plenty big enough for the rules, there's not that many, but a little small for listing transgressions). Apparently he had something more along the lines of a ledger...

I am so screwed. And as usual, I did it to myself!
Damn malfunctioning brain-to-mouth filter.

Make No Mistake...

It has been approximately six months since I have been punished for anything. I can hear some of you  gasping in surprise, "with that mouth? Who knew you could behave yourself for so long? It's a miracle!"

Well...Not really.

See, the sky did not fail to send you notice that it was falling, hell is still hot, and pigs aren't flying. Feel better now?

He just decided to stop. That my self-punishment might be more effective because I wouldn't get the same sense of purification that happens when the slate is wiped clean. And yes, after a certain point, I begged for punishment. He refused.

There hasn't been a whole lot of Dominating and submitting going on around here. In fact, I had contemplated a post consisting of only one line, "what is D/s?".

And I had started getting really snarky. A couple of days ago, he said he had had enough. That he was starting to get really ticked off by my attitude and he was going to punish me.

"Enjoy sitting in that chair today, because you aren't going to be sitting on anything tomorrow!"

And I was irritated about it thinking something along the lines of, "he can't punish me if he doesn't want to Dominate me in the first place!" So naturally, since my brain-to-mouth filter seems to be in a state of permanent failure, I said, "we don't do that anymore! You can't punish me!"

He was mad and I knew it.

I went to bed. He didn't come punish me.

So I woke up in the morning with a somewhat relieved sense of "he didn't follow through on his word. I knew it!" Insert overinflated sense of self righteous putouttedness.

Later that morning he grabbed the back of my head in a vice-like grip. Yanking my head back, he leaned over and hissed in my ear, "I didn't punish you last night because I thought that I might be bending our agreement about not punishing you in anger. But make no mistake, I will not tolerate this attitude out of you any longer. You are Mine until the end of existence."

Several screaming swats of the cane later, and suddenly I didn't feel in the least bit snarky anymore. I actually felt really sheepish and remorseful for being such a self-righteous bitch.

And very very satisfied with life.

Self Punishment?

Alpha strives for consistency. He knows there's this little monster hiding inside me that is just waiting for a hint of inconsistency to bare it's teeth and begin chewing on any available victim. I do try not to be that way, but there you have it.

I knew punishment was coming. I was fairly sure it was going to hurt like hell.

I got three swats on the ass and

an air of puzzled disappointment.

I guess that sometimes the worst punishment is no punishment at all.

Maybe it's still coming. He likes to figure out what's really going on with me first. And I haven't been able to shine any light on it for either of us. Though occasionally he will get to the answer through my punishment.

Anyways, that wasn't the end of it. Oh no--my body decided to inflict its own punishment.

He gave me several opportunities to cum. And I hovered on the edge.
Painfully close...
I couldn't do it. Until my last chance was over...And I started to slip over the edge...But it was too late.

So there you have it. Involuntary self punishment?

Angst

I had one of those days at work where I had a pile of irritating passive aggressive sticky notes to direct my day (seriously, I used to think that post-its were cool, now I now they were invented purely for evil purposes). On my way home I drank an excessive amount of gas station cappuccino tempered with half and half. Ugh. It made me feel like I had eaten a stick of butter. When I got home, Alpha was passed out on the couch and the boys were watching a movie. Sent the big boy to bed. Waited for the little one to pass out. Woke Alpha up and stumbled to bed. That's when it all went downhill. On His way through the kitchen, He noticed that I had not eaten dinner. I feel compelled to point out that He was exceptionally graceless and rude about it. And me, for once, being sweet and apologetic which was greeted with a plethora of "whatevers" from Him. He was pissed. I got (silently) pissed. He went to sleep deliberately insuring that no part of Him was touching me at all. Oh good times for all.
This morning I got a short, much less cranky, reading of the riot act for not eating. I'm in trouble. And getting kicked out of the "bubble" is so much worse than any other form of punishment. In the end, I know It's just one of His ways of looking out for me. And I suck at taking care of myself which was going to be a big part of a much less angsty post for today but it will have to wait until Saturday.

Grateful

I'm at the mercy of my moods. I'm also at the mercy of Alpha. The two are unfortunately not always in sync. He has said before that He doesn't want to always have to Take what He wants. Sometimes I need to give willingly just because I want to please Him. I understand that and it makes sense. I love when He is pleased with me so why is it often to difficult for me to willingly volunteer for something without being told? Maybe it's because what gets me off is being commanded and Dominated, maybe it's because I'm a little bit selfish, maybe it's because I'm a little bit lazy and I just don't want to sometimes.

Things used to be different. So very different on so many levels. We were close, but nothing like we are now. I used to hate sex. I would just kind of detach from myself and lie there on the rare occasions that we actually did it. It hurt and I really thought there was something wrong with me. It wasn't until I was pregnant with our first child that anyone in the medical field suggested that it had more to do with my head than my body. It sounds cliche, but your brain really is the biggest sex organ (for all those men out there who swear it's their dicks, I promise you it is not). And that leads us to my favorite thing about D/s--The mental aspects. Don't get me wrong, the physical things are awesome and are often quite entwined with the mental results, but it's the things that happen in my mind that make the experience what it is. Something happened when we first began exploring ttwd. The biggest thing was honesty. It got to the point where I couldn't handle Alpha Not knowing everything. I couldn't go down into space, I couldn't think clearly, all my cards had to be on the table in order for me to be able to function at all. And it scared the everliving shit out of me. Still does sometimes. But I have learned and seen a lot under the harsh light of truth--mainly that as long as it's real and true, he will love me no matter what. He accepts me for what I am even as what I am changes and evolves. I can admit any fantasy and He won't judge me, I can tell Him my fears and my dreams, I can lay my doubts and imperfections on the table, and He will still be there. He will still own me. He will still Dominate me. He will still want me to be His forever.

I am grateful. I am grateful that He won't let me get away with any shit, that I can sit at His feet and tell Him anything, that He loves my body and my mind, that He was willing to explore ttwd and somehow became damn good at it. I love that He takes care of me when I am sick, punishes me when I am bad, values my opinions, and challenges me to be better. I love that He is rough and gentle, kind and a little bit cruel. I love what we have become.

This morning I did something unusual for me. Actually, it may have only happened a couple of times during all these years. I went back to bed for morning sex without being told to. It sounds small and silly, but I really don't like morning sex and am usually dragging my feet and trying really hard not to bitch to much about it when the occasion arises. So why this morning? Because I wanted Him to be happy. Because we have been a bit out of sorts and I was due a punishment for my recent behavior. It didn't happen last night. I didn't feel good and had passed out on the couch by 9:00 I think. And He woke me up and sent me to bed instead of punishing me. So, I volunteered morning sex. Not because I was trying to avoid getting the punishment today, not because I think it's not still coming and I'm going to get out of it. But because in a way punishment usually gets us back on track unless I really don't feel good in which case I just end up deeply resenting it. And something had to get us back in sync. I wanted Him to be happy and I am thankful for the fact that He will take how I'm doing into consideration when it comes to Dominating me. I suppose there are people out there who would equate that with weakness and perhaps at one time, I might have as well. But He has shown me different. Sometimes there is more strength when control, and sadism, and Dominance are tempered with tenderness. He does not allow my whims to decide our direction or my moods to control His desires. And I don't think that He should.

I am grateful for everything that we have become.

I've been told

I've been told that I have a new best friend. She's common, shiny, and deceptively innocuous. Why, why do my kids lose the plastic spatulas, break the wooden spoons (okay, so wooden spoons are not to be underestimated, but still), and leave all variety of dishes outside for the dogs, yet they cannot manage to lose one simple metal slotted spoon?? I knew I didn't want anymore friends. They always hurt you one way or another lol.

Follow through

Being submissive has made me a better parent. i know that might seem odd, but it's true. The biggest instance is punishment. i have learned not to threaten punishment and not follow through (okay, so it's pretty basic, but everything seems much more cut and dry Before you actually have rug-rats running around. They don't come with an owners manual you know). Yesterday i had "diarrhea of the mouth" as M likes to say and He warned me multiple times that i had it coming in a big way. "At least 25, maybe My hand, maybe the belt, maybe a coat hanger." i don't know what exactly is wrong with me lately. i have been all stuck in my head and shit which seems to prompt mouthiness and a desire to be not-submissive. Anyways, come bedtime, i was expecting to pay my dues. i sucked, we fucked, it didn't come. He asked me what i was thinking about (it's a real pain in the ass when someone knows you inside out), i tried to get around it, because i just wanted to sleep and really had no interest in having my ass blistered. i fessed up to some confusion regarding the absence of the promised punishment. He lifted an eyebrow, "I was going to let you off easy, we could just call it a mindfuck and leave it at that." Horror must have been clearly reflected on my face. i was headed for a no fun whipping but couldn't stop myself."A mindfuck?! How the hell am i supposed to know if you mean it or not when you say something. Why should i listen if it all might just be a mindfuck?" The eyebrows lowered and He reached for His belt, me squirming and protesting that it was okay and He really didn't have to this time. "If I don't you will think less of Me." "i won't think less of you, i'll just think you don't have follow through and mean what you say." Let me just point out, that forthcoming honesty is a real bitch and that belt hurts something awful.
But He loves me enough to punish me for my own good, He loves me enough to do what He says He will. He loves me enough to follow through.
Ouch.

i ain't no queen of Sheba

Well, the queen of Sheba i am not and i'm not going to be taking over the world anytime soon lol.
The belt was lying on His pillow when i went to bed. i knew it was no accident but i tried to pretend it wasn't destined for my ass. i curled up, blankets tucked firmly under my chin and announced i was closed for maintenance. "Haha, you have been begging for it all day little one, you are not closed for maintenance, you are open for use." Uuum, begging...? "nuh uh, oh no, not me." Thwack. Oh yes uh huh, me. It was more one of those "you are a mouthy shit but i don't mind to much" punishments, than a "you fucked up good, here come the tears," punishments.
The blindfold is always the first thing out of the toy box. He likes to watch me wiggle, squirm, and try to figure out what objects of delicious, or not so delicious, torment are headed my way. Then comes the cuffs and rope so i can't cheat by feeling with my hands. Out came the clothespins...On their own they aren't too painful. When they are flicked and your nipples are made hard, they are quite effective at preventing unwanted movement because moving hurts. When He fucked me i begged to cum. His reply? a somewhat disconcerting "lol, fuck no!" i begged, and i begged, and when He was ready He gave the command and i did. Delicious, mind numbing, body melting, orgasm.
And i got to sleep for all of five minutes before the little guy woke up and got me to go lie down with him lol.

When the brain says "STOP!" and the mouth keeps speaking...

Okay, so the funny thing about being submissive is you're not the one who gets to choose when to submit. Imagine that lol. i have been terribly mouthy today. The kind of mouthy where i'm talking, and my brain says "shut up!" as His eyebrows lower and my mouth, well it just keeps on moving. i'm an attention whore. i know it and i'm not to bad at controlling it a fair amount of the time. i know it's not M's fault we hardly ever see each other and He's working on my day off. He's just doing what He has to. i have no doubt that i have earned myself attention--attention that will make me squirm and beg for an ending. He snapped the belt at me earlier in a not so subtle threat that He will no doubt remember later. All because when my brain said "hush," my mouth said, "fuck you!" i know my place. i just need reminders lol. That sounds weak even as i type it, but it's true. After days of not being in our space and just dealing with the trials of life, it's difficult not to fight.
We were in the shower, M frowned at me, "you complained when i didn't let you up for a week, and you haven't been down for a week; now look at you--thinking your the queen of Sheba, ready to take over the world and shit." i tried my best to convince Him it was a good idea as i was bent over gracelessly attempting to shave my legs in less than ample space. The replying motion was quite graceful--as my head slid up the wall of the shower with His hand around my throat and that wicked grin that tells me there's more to come later. And me? Yea, still not graceful creeping up onto my toes in an attempt to match the rise of His hand with a razor dangling precariously from my fingers. "Do a good job little one, i'll be checking later." i may be a shit sometimes, but somehow i ended up with the man of my dreams.