A Question of Advice for Beginners

Another question from Foxy Canidae:

"What advice would you give to someone just entering this lifestyle?"

Ooh geez, lots. Lol. I suggest coffee. Maybe more than one cup. This is likely to get long-winded and out of hand.

I guess that first and foremost, it would be not to care too much about how other people do it. I know that this might make the rest of my thoughts kind of a moot point, but...

In the beginning, its really easy to get caught up in "The right way", which is usually just modeled off of what we have read and seen--because not having our own past experiences to rely on, we look to the experience of others. Now don't get me wrong, there's definitely something to be said for watching the rest of us screw up and knowing better learning from the mistakes and knowledge offered by others; however, it is not necessary to use the framework set forth by someone else in order to have a healthy and successful D/s relationship.
It can be awfully difficult to remember that what we read is a snapshot--a picture of a moment in time or a thought process shared by the writer. Not everyone is willing to dump their mistakes and bad days out onto the internet for consumption by the general public. So before you decide that your brand of D/s sucks monkey butts, (sometimes it will. Promise--happens to all of us) remind yourself that people tend to share the times of smooth sailing quite a bit more often than they highlight the choppy seas.

Be honest. Be honest with yourself, and be honest with your partner. If you're not honest with yourself, you can't be honest with them. And if you're not honest with them, you either aren't going to make it very far down this road, or you are going to put yourself in a situation where you get hurt because the other person doesn't have enough pieces of the puzzle to help put you back together if things go awry.

Take it slow--the world is not going to end because you didn't do/get/experience it all yesterday. Seriously. Take your time. Chances are, you won't be dying tomorrow, and it is far better to work your way slowly towards something wonderful than it is to rush headlong into a disaster of your own making. You cannot go back and undo what has been done, but you can give it a damn fine go the first time around if you move slowly enough to do so.

Blanket advice aside, I admit that I would probably give Dominants a little bit different advice than I would to a submissive. Because yea, different ends of the power spectrum.

To a Dominant, I would say remember that you are not omnipotent. There will no doubt be times when you will feel that way, and your submissive will certainly view you that way more often than not, but...In the grand scheme of things, you are not.
You will make mistakes--to err is human, and you are still human. What really matters is what you do with your mistakes. Own them, admit that you were wrong, don't repeat them, and if warranted, don't be afraid to apologize for them.

If you want your sub to live up to your expectations, you have to give her the tools to do so, and accept that you must both work within the rules of reality. For instance, you can't expect to be met naked at the door every day if there are kids in the house. It's just not feasible. The examples could be many, but it boils down to the fact that you cannot expect someone to submit to you if you are unwilling to do some work for it and adapt to the constraints of life in general.

Be consistent. Seriously, I can't stress this one enough. Consistency earns respect and provides a submissive the framework within which to exist. You can't expect anyone to do what you tell them to if your expectations and the consequences of their actions are inconsistent. Plus, we're finicky creatures and consistency makes us feel special and stable. It shows us that you care.

Let her feel what she feels, and share how she feels. You are working your way through the inside of a human mind with a heart attached. If you want unfettered access, your sub has to know without a doubt that she can tell you anything--otherwise you'll never make it past the outer walls of her mind. If she can't share the most twisted, darkest, angriest, saddest, parts of herself, you won't ever truly own her.

If you want her body to be your playground, you have to get through her mind first. Wonderful and terrible things can happen to the human body and never touch the mind, never reach the soul, never impact the heart. If you want to well and truly own another being, you aren't going to get there through what you do to their body alone. If you can touch her mind, she is more yours than touching her body could ever make her be.
That's not to say that the two don't often go hand-in-hand, but they are not certainly not mutually exclusive.

And lastly? Yea...It's pretty simple--just don't be an asshole.

To a submissive I would say, remember that he's human too. At the core of ourselves, we're all just human beings being human. Yes, you are putting your life in the hands of a mere mortal. There are consequences to that, and they aren't always pretty. Accept it. Get over it. Don't hold his mistakes over his head.

Don't push him to do things your way. While it is important to acknowledge and be honest about your needs and wants, D/s is intrinsically not about getting your way--it's about doing things his way, having the faith to trust someone else to make the right call, and the wherewithal to suck it up when a call you disagree with is made.

Don't expect him to be Dominant if you are busy running around questioning every decision he makes--Domination becomes ridiculously more complicated and difficult when it's constantly being challenged.
Really, expectation in general is not your friend--it makes us too caught up in how we think things should be as opposed to living how he thinks we should. If we are always too busy with our own expectations, there isn't room for his. And, after all, D/s isn't really about what we want.

If you want him to know what makes you tick, what really and take advantage of it, you have to let down the walls. Let him in. Not the superficial way we let people in, that's not going to get him there. But the way your skeletons know you--the scars that make you who you are, the things that are hard to love about yourself, the desires you hate admitting to yourself.

Submit. Sounds pretty basic, kind of like not being an asshole, right? But it's not always so simple. D/s is a cyclical reciprocal arrangement, and if you want Domination, you must offer submission. It's easy to submit to the things we want, not so easy when every bone in our body is screaming about how badly we don't want to do it. I think that, quite often, submission is very much about the things you don't want to do. And doing them anyways.

I'm sure that I'll think of a million more things tonight at midnight, but there you have it.

D/s is Not an Exception to the Rules of Reality

It's glorious, isn't it? Those first moments when you discover D/s and you devour every bit of information you can find, every story, experience, word, idea, and picture...
It's a land of hidden fantasies come true, you realize that's what you are and who you were meant to be. You want it as your reality, so you immerse yourself in the fantasy...

Of course, the main drawback to fantasy is that reality will always eventually intrude. And, as is the nature of reality, said intrusion can be quite rude. It is, however, completely necessary if you want to live D/s. The rest of your life exists in reality, and ttwd is going to be no exception.

Go ahead and immerse yourself in the waters of fantasy. We all do it sometimes--those are some pretty awesome waves out there. But out here in the reality of the ocean? Some of those waves will knock you on your ass.

I was roaming around today, and found an old post elsewhere quoting one of my posts from several years ago...

"Do I need Dominance to inspire my submission? Yes. I'm like an addict and I want my fix. But I also feel like that fix should come from submission itself--not necessarily just from dominance.
Being picky with submission doesn't work. That's not what it's about. If he was how I wanted him to be all the time, and only did what I wanted, then it wouldn't really be D/s at all."

Now isn't it just a bitch when your own sensible conclusions jump out at you randomly? I can't even get away from them by going somewhere else!

The truth is, if you want to float on the highs, you have to pass through the lows--if your going to live it with another human being. Every single day, with no off switch, no "visiting", and no meetings of convenience, then you're not going to be on top of the world every day. That's just not how life works.

About sums it up...

As challenging as it can be to accept the difficulties which come with being a human who lives their reality with another human, those times make the fantasies which turn into reality that much sweeter.

When He Screws Up, A Dominant's Mistake

This post is not meant to be mean. It was not written to criticize anyone in particular, or anyone who's views on submission do not match my own. It is written with my own past experiences in mind. The last eight or so years have given me a perspective that I did not always have. And sometimes, it's difficult and ridiculous to censor one's perspective.

I think it is also important to note that I am coming at this from the perspective of a committed 24/7 D/s relationship, which I believe necessitates this particular view.

The first time in D/s when he well and truly screws up, your faith is shaken, you think that maybe he doesn't really have it in him, and you're sure that he's just gone and done it so bad that you couldn't possibly surrender completely anymore.

Ooh, look at the bird! Think I'll follow it for a minute...

The only reason you think that you can't surrender completely, "Any more" is because you hadn't really surrendered completely in the first place. Dominants, for all that they are, also must exist as humans with all of the shortcomings inherent in our species.

So this road is new and wonderful, it offers you new heights and experiences that fantasies are made of. You find a faith in your Dominant that you previously never knew existed.

Then one day he screws up. You know it. He knows it. Your faith is shaken, how can you go on knowing that he did something wrong?
Simple really--you agreed to submit, you agreed to be his. And you do just that.

He screwed up, so what? Shit happens. It's not an excuse to push for your way, or something you lord over him to challenge his leadership.

This is not an arrangement of convenience, this is not a relationship of "If you do this then I'll...", this is not something you walk away from simply because your faith has been challenged. It is a commitment to a way of life, a person, a relationship, a state of being. You are either in, or you are out.

I feel like I see a lot of new subs holding mistakes over their Dominants heads. As if those mistakes automatically give them the right to challenge his leadership because, well, after all--he did screw up. I find that to be one of the most irritating forms of topping from the bottom.

I'm not saying that just because he's Dominant means it's okay for him to run around being a dickhead, but mistakes are an inevitable aspect of being human. If you use every falter in his stride against him, you're not actually in a D/s relationship--you are existing on your own terms, not his.
It's a hell of a lot easier for a Dominant to make decisions if he knows that those decisions aren't going to be challenged at every turn.

Submission isn't about what you like, it's not about doing what you want, getting your way, or even always being happy with the choices he makes--it's about relinquishing control to another person. And you aren't always going to be delighted with the choices that person makes. They aren't even always going to be the right choices. But the point is that those decisions are theirs to make.

A submissive simply cannot live a D/s relationship on their own terms. Such an approach is contrary to the very concept of power exchange. If you want to explore Dominance and submission on your own terms, call it what it is--a kink. And while there is nothing at all wrong with that, it is quite different than living as a submissive.

Addendum:
The first comment on this post (thank you mc kitten) brought to my attention the fact that I had overlooked a very important aspect of this whole "He screwed up" thing.
What happens afterwards. Taking responsibility for one's actions is important, especially as a Dominant. And such things as apologies are not a somehow mystical and impossible occurence like finding gold at the end of the rainbow.
How he handles his mistakes matters, and admitting that they happened is important. No one is always right.

Be Careful What You Wish For

I know that I have comments to respond to, but the computer is running frustratingly slow. I'll get to them soon.

A while back, I read something that got me to thinking...
Be careful what you wish for because you just might get it. Then I read a comment on another blogger's post, and the thoughts floating around in my muddled brain finally had to seek release.

It's so true you know. And I think that the panic of having got what one asked for, occurs a lot in relationships where the submissive partner has asked to incorporate D/s into a previously vanilla marriage.

You want him to really Dominate you, you want him to be consistent, you spend time cultivating his Dominance, and encouraging him to really take the reins. You want more--you need more.

Then one morning you wake up. And you realize that there's no going back, that you unleashed a monster, and that monster now rules your existence. And it's not just me who has had this experience!

Often, subs seem pleased about this turn of events, because it means that the relationship has successfully developed into some form of power exchange. Of course, it is also means that things don't go according to one's own plans--they now go according to his.

Then, there are the times when subs seem genuinely unhappy about said turn of events--they got what they asked for, but it didn't come in the form they had imagined; therefor, he surely has it all wrong, and this whole D/s thing isn't going to work because he's clearly not doing it right.

That's a laughable approach to D/s.
I think that people find themselves in that place when they don't really think through what they have asked for, and what the reality of it might look like.

That's not to say Dominants are perfect because they are Dominant. Oh no, they too are flawed members of the human race, and they do screw up. But when someone has asked you to explore a new path, to express repressed parts of yourself, to lead in a whole new way, there is no confidence killer quite like consistent criticisms of doing it wrong. Especially when they come from the person who asked for it all in the first place.

So be careful what you wish for. Because when you are wishing to be the s in a D/s relationship, getting what you asked for means that your Dominant will be getting his way. And if you set the beast free, you must be prepared to feed it.

Basic Principles

Been thinking again, so I got another ADD post here. I think....

From my observations, to one extent or another, submissives all experience that need to be conquered. You know, the whole "Throw me on the floor, pull my hair, grab me by the throat, put me in my place" feeling.

It can be way too much of a good thing though, that desire for him to "make" us do what he wants.

Don't get me wrong, for me, being made to do things can be a bit like receiving affection--I love it. It has it's place.

The thing is, one simply cannot sustain a power exchange relationship based constantly upon that mode of interaction.
If you want him to tell you what to do, then you have to do as you are told. Yep, simple and often overlooked truth there.

I see a lot of subs digging in and fighting against what they want--they want to do what he tells them, but they also want him to make them do it. I'll raise my hand as guilty of that one. Very guilty in fact.

I propose a blasphemous truth--this whole D/s thing works a lot better if you just do as you are told. Sure it's hot to be made to do things, sure he should have the follow through to see that you do them, and yes we all have that desire to be conquered; however, this whole concept rests on the premise that you want and need to submit.
You cannot tell a man you want him to Dominate you, and then proceed to dispute his decisions and make him fight for your obedience every step of the way. Well, you can, but it's not sustainable.

Being a submissive is very much about needing to submit. If you don't want and/or need to do it? Then don't.

As difficult as it can be, and as complicated as we can make it, I think the basic principles of D/s, from a submissive standpoint, are quite simple:

If you want him to lead, follow.
If you want him to Dominate, submit.
If you want him to feed your needs, tell him what they are. And feed his.
If you want him to command, obey.
If you want him to take it seriously, don't try to play games.
If you want him to be in control, don't attempt to manipulate him into doing what you want.
If you want him to be be pleased, be pleasing.
And for goodness sake, if you want him to get into your head? Be truthful.
Here's the thing, he will never ever get inside your head like you want, if you can't give him pure honesty.
In any relationship, little "White" lies are like blocks--they build up slowly up each one at a time until walls are created. Bigger lies are like bigger blocks, creating stronger walls at a faster pace.
Having a power exchange relationship is about taking those walls down, and not adding more blocks to them.

I honestly believe that if you do not give him your truth, you cannot give him your trust. And if he doesn't have your trust, he will never be able to Dominate you beyond the superficial.

Anyone who has read here for any amount of time is aware that personal experience has taught me it's not nearly this cut and dry as "Just obey" all of the time. Because, well, being human is...Complicated. We have feelings, emotions, thoughts, physical complications, children, jobs, etc.

Still though...Despite all of those things, the basic principles remain.

A Question of Separating D/s From the Rest?

"How do you separate marriage/family life from the D/s life?
My husband is concerned about this, his biggest concern being, he doesn't want our daughter (5) to grow up and marry a controlling/borderline abusive man. I tried to explain to him that their is a huge difference between abusive and D/s. Obviously nothing intense would go on in front of her, and there can be a place where he can correct me if need be, and it wouldn't be in front of the kids, not even intense stuff. He comes from an abusive background (his father was terrible) and I the opposite (sort of). He can't understand the need/want for this. I think thats the hardest thing to explain...LOL. He said he would never slap me across the face, but honestly, the thought lights up my eyes like a kid in a candy store." 

Honestly, I have no clue how one would go about separating D/s from marriage/family life because it is something that has become so entwined in mine.
The best idea I have there is to keep it in the bedroom, and even at that, it is still part of your marriage.

I think that at first, D/s is often something we do. The lines are nice and clear--I will do this, I won't do that, it stays in the bedroom, etc.
Then over time those nice sharp lines in the sand get eroded and begin to move. When that happens, it is no longer easy to compartmentalize things into categories like D/s, marriage, family. Because power exchange lies somewhere underneath and inside of all those things.

The simplest solution I can offer really is to just keep it in the bedroom, but observation and past experience have led me to believe that it can be rather difficult to keep D/s confined to one room of your life.

I am going to go with my own interpretation, and approach this question from a slightly different angle. If I get it all wrong, I can always do another post right?

I see your question as being about how you can be in a power exchange relationship without adversely impacting your daughter, and how to convince your husband that being your Dominant does not make him abusive. I think these two questions actually tie into each other in a way.
As I said before, if I'm coming at this all wrong, I'll do it again, K?

I think that D/s and children can be a very touchy subject, and answers may vary widely depending on who you ask.

We have 2 boys. Now, one of our responsibilities as parents, is to make sure that they grow into good men. And  they learned at a very early age that it is not acceptable to hit women (yes, not even that wicked little girl throwing rocks at you and chasing you with a stick), mom is in no way inferior to dad, everyone says please and thank you, and that relationships are based on mutual respect and caring.

Really, I think that D/s around kids is quite comparable to sexual behavior--yes you have sex, and it's always there as a part of your relationship, but your kids don't see it. They know you flirt, but they don't know the next step. If I'm making any sense...

If you present your daughter with a view of your relationship as being one where you respect each other, mom is happy to respond to dad's polite requests, and your household is harmonious, that is the relationship model she will be familiar with.
There is nothing wrong with a Dominant that says please and thank you, and his respect for you as an individual does not disappear or take a back burner because he is in control.
His respect for your thoughts and opinions shows your daughter that hers should matter too when she has relationships of her own. Just because he can choose to go with your opinion or against it does not negate the fact that he took it into account to begin with.
As a couple, you come to mutual agreement about issues of family. My boys know that sometimes mom makes the decision, sometimes she says it's up to dad--either way, Alpha is not going to overrule me in front of them.
We have a rule in our house, that one "no" outweighs either parent's "yes". If it's a big issue, we discuss it until we reach an agreement.

The subject of reconciling one's morals with being Dominant and (possibly) hitting your wife, is something that Alpha and I have spent a fair amount of time discussing.

The fact that it is wrong to hit women and they must be treated as equals is a concept that is often beaten (sometimes literally) into boys at an early age.
Conversely, in cases like your husband's, some men learn what they do not want to become because they grow up with a model that they know is wrong and don't want to emulate.

I get slapped around. Quite a bit.
Never, in our nearly 15 years together, have I been struck in anger.
Punishment is no longer a part of our dynamic. When it was, if he was mad at me, he would wait until he wasn't mad anymore before doling out my punishment.

I think that abuse is often about displacing responsibility, anger, and a severe lack of self control.
Dominance doesn't have any of those markings.
Dominance is about taking responsibility for one's actions and the repercussions of those choices, it's about not acting in anger, and it's about having enough self control to be able to exert control over another human being.
This is a rather extreme simplification, but for the purpose of comparison, I believe it is pretty accurate.

I hope that I have adequately answered your question.

A Question of Pleasing

"I had my first Sub experience last Wednesday. It opened a side of me that I never knew was there and now I want more! How can I please him like no other? I want to be the Sub of his dreams. Any ideas are appreciated since I'm completely new to this whole thing!"

First off, I find this to be an exceptionally open-ended question--how we please is greatly dependent on the situation we are in. Given the context I have, I will assume that this is a new relationship.

Secondly, the only way anyone can possibly become the sub of a man's dreams, is to base submission on him and his input--who is he, what does he like, what pleases him, what does he want, what is his idea of the submissive of his dreams?

That being said...

One of the things that I think happens when we are new, is that we love to leap without looking first (okay, so maybe some of us keep I kept that tendency).
So take it slow.
Instead of first focusing on how to please him like no other, some time might be well spent coming to an understanding of what your idea of Dominance and submission is. Because seriously, interpretations are like fish in the sea--there are many.
Do you really want to be the submissive of his dreams? Not all dreams are worth making into a reality.
And while the desire to please is an important and wonderful thing, you are still human, you still have feelings, there will be things that you genuinely never want to do, and things that you might be willing to try.
We should never allow our desire to please to lead us down a path on which we know that we will encounter real harm--because as crappy and unexciting as it may sound, we still have responsibility for our own well-being.

I have come to believe that submission is ultimately about what the Dominant desires it to be--submission is not ours, it is theirs and takes the shape of what they want and believe it to be. But if we have no clue about what we need from D/s, it will be very difficult to have a fulfilling experience or relationship.

How do you please him like no other? You ask him what pleases him.
How do you become the sub of his dreams? You ask him what the sub of his dreams is.
Then you take what you have learned, absorb it, decide if that is something you yourself want for your life, and do the best that you can.

I think that is ultimately the only real answer I can offer to your question; however, I do have a few ideas that might help you out along the way:

Be honest and transparent. If you really don't like something--tell him! You aren't pleasing by misleading.
But really, be honest about everything. Sometimes we have to stop and think about how to phrase things politely, but honesty and transparency can take you to incredible places that are difficult to imagine.

Communicate (see a theme here?).
If you don't communicate your needs, thoughts, and feelings, he won't know them. Being submissive doesn't outweigh being human--we have thoughts, fears, feelings, needs, desires, etc. We are all complex creatures with many facets. Without communication, we can't explore ourselves and our possibilities to their full extent.
If he doesn't communicate his expectations and what he wants and likes, you can't please him--because you don't have the tools to know what is necessary to do so.

Be observant.
This analogy might be a little crude, but this is a D/s blog, so you get what you get lol.
It's kind of like giving a blowjob only on a larger scale--if you're doing something and the reaction is good, you keep doing it and explore how you can make it better. If you're getting a bad response or none at all, then you adjust your approach and try something different. If you aren't observing and paying attention, you won't know what is pleasing and what isn't.
And the more you do it with one person, the better you get at knowing exactly what they like.

Hear him.
This kind of goes hand in hand with being observant, and is not quite the same as listening. Truly hear and absorb what he says and does--because he is the only person who can teach you how to please him.

Be yourself.
I think that over time, we often discover that our submission and ourselves have been largely shaped by our Dominants; however, pretending to be something we are not in order to please, is the opposite of submission--it is creating a false construct when we are supposed to be stripping away barriers and constructs that we use as defenses against the world.
At its core, D/s is a primal and raw experience. One can never get to that core if we continually pretend to be something that we are not.

And just to reiterate...In the beginning is not the time to leap without looking. So take your time, enjoy your explorations, and good luck on your journey.
If there's anything else you want to add, or see added to, feel free to use the comments box to your hearts content!

Accepting the Darkness Within

That pesky drafts folder was piling up again...

For me, one of the beautiful things about D/s is being accepted for the darkness.
He loves the light and shine.
And the darkness.

Having someone peer into the darkest depths of your being, then continue to love and accept all that you are is...Freeing.

I have fantasies that he pried out of me word by painful word. And I was so sure that afterwards he would look at me like something nasty on the bottom of his boot, but he never has.
The closest that he ever came was a raised eyebrow and a shake of the head, followed by a smile and the statement, "My twisted little kitten."

For me, a big part of the D/s journey is about accepting my darker desires. Not necessarily having them come true, but accepting that I have them and that they are a part of me.
And accepting that I am not allowed to keep them locked up in my own mind, but must share them with him has been a large piece of that.
In all honesty, it is clearly something I still struggle with.

A great part of any acceptance I have gained lies in Alpha's acceptance, and the knowledge that any fantasy which becomes a reality does so only at his behest.

Our world is a complex web of opposites which cannot exist without each other. Where those lines intersect are the grey areas I have so much trouble with.
But without darkness, there can be no light.
And sometimes there is such a purity in the darkest moments, that the light becomes blinding.

I have found freedom in being owned. The freedom to acknowledge my darkness, and accept any forms it takes, because the direction it goes in is ultimately of his choosing.

No matter how twisted the desire, or how dark the fantasy, it is okay.
Because he will love and accept me anyways.
He chooses which ones come to fruition, and which ones merely rest beside us in the dark hours of night.

I think that one of the things which contributes to the sense of depth in D/s relationships, is that there is no hiding the darkness away and pretending that it isn't there.
The darkness is pulled out and inspected by the eyes whose opinions matter most. Then it is played with or quietly put away forever to remain where it belongs--a construct of the mind.

Yet either way, in shining light on the darkness, we are accepted for everything that we are.

I Want My Wife or Girlfriend to Submit, and How to Dominate A Submissive Woman

I have been musing about this post for a while now--it seems like a concept that would go nicely next to "I Want My Husband to Dominate Me."
I have gotten some visitors from search terms like, "how to dominate your submissive, make her submit, I want my girlfriend to submit, my wife wants me to dominate her, I want to dominate her, how to dominate a submissive woman, [and] I want my wife to submit".
So here's catering to keywords lol.

The thing is...I have far less confidence in this topic. But knowing (or not knowing), what I'm talking about hasn't stopped me before lol.

I think that this is a much trickier subject to address for a couple of reasons:
I have never been there and done that.
I think it is, depending on one's personal motivations, potentially far more hazardous for a relationship when one is on the side of seeking to gain control--not seeking to give it up.

So I'll go with my personal opinions (as usual), and I'll tackle this from the viewpoint of introducing D/s into an already established relationship.
I'm not a fan of "How to" manuals for ttwd, so please don't mistake this post as an attempt at such--it's just another one of my little soap boxes so kindly afforded me by the invention of blogging. Results, caffeine consumption, and mileage, will vary.

It's easy to think about wanting someone to submit. But if you want her to submit, you are going to have to Dominate her. And Dominating your wife or girlfriend is a whole awful lot of responsibility.

If you think that you can "Make her submit" with a snap of your fingers, you are sadly mistaken. Likewise, you cannot "Make" someone submissive--it's either there somewhere inside of them, or it isn't.

If you walk in the door after ten years of marriage, and announce that you want control and she'll be submitting to your whims from now on--chances are that you'll find yourself sleeping on the couch while your wife researches mental illness and tries to decide what drugs you might be on.

So think it through before you lay the concept of power exchange out on your kitchen table.

Do you want this to be something that stays in the bedroom and exists to spice up your sex life, or do you want it to become a way of life?
If you want it to be a bedroom activity, chances are that introducing a little here and there, is not going to throw off your established relationship. And it probably won't be that difficult--you try it out slow, see if she likes it or not, and go from there.
Living D/s is a lot more complicated because we can't close the doors on it in the morning.

Why do you want her to submit to you?
If your reasoning is just to get your way whenever you want, chances are that it will be an epic failure from the start.
In order for Dominance and submission to work in a relationship, it has to enhance and strengthen what we already have--not diminish and minimize who and what we are.

What does the concept of Dominance and submission mean to you?
I expect that this one can be a lifetime exploration, but it's good to get an early start on it. It is going to be very difficult to show her what you are seeking if you don't already have a general concept of it for yourself.

Are you willing to take on that much responsibility?
This question is a really big deal--the more power and control you exert, the more impact you have on someone's life. And the more impact you have, the more important your actions and choices become.
I think that selfishness has its place in Dominance, but you are asking another human being to place an inordinate amount of trust in you. This means that your actions must reflect the fact that their best interests are always kept in mind.
When you have the final say, when you choose her choices and bend her to your will, the amount of responsibility you carry grows tremendously. It is not always going to be an easy weight to bear.

The first step is to talk with your partner about Dominance and submission. If she is flat out against it, don't try to run her over and make her see the light via train--that is not going to work. Take it slow, give her time for the idea to sink in, and give her the space to actually consider it.
If she finds the idea attractive, you still want to take it slow. The deep end isn't going anywhere, and it is far better to test the water with your toes than it is to jump in head first and get badly burnt--especially when you are pulling your significant other in with you.

And for goodness sake, don't begin by spilling your darkest and most extreme fantasies to her--you want her to be interested and curious about learning more, not calling her mother and saying  that you have gone off the deep end.
That's not to say that there is necessarily anything wrong with such fantasies--just that they are not the best jumping off point for fledgling power exchange.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So you have had your initial conversation, and she is amenable to introducing D/s into your relationship. Now what?

Controlling another human being is tricky business. First and foremost, it is based upon your control of yourself--if you cannot control yourself, you have no business in even attempting to control someone else.

This starts with you--your control of yourself, your expectations of yourself, the rules you follow yourself, the standards you hold yourself to, etc.

Be confident, but remember that you are not omnipotent.
It is extremely difficult to obey and follow someone who is not confident in their actions and the path they choose to lead us down.
On the other hand, you are human, and you will make mistakes as humans do. Hopefully not a great many because you are thinking carefully about what you do. But to err is human. Sometimes you will be wrong, and you will occasionally screw up.
The impact such events have on your relationship is largely based on how you deal with them--an admission to being wrong, and an apology go a lot further towards restoring trust than pretending that nothing went wrong in the first place. In fact, such pretenses merely compound the issue and eat away at your carefully built foundation of trust.

Be consistent! I don't think that can be said too much.
Don't take her to task for something one day, and then let the same thing go unnoticed the next. Because she will notice. Promise. She will test where exactly the boundaries are, and if those boundaries are constantly moving, she is not going to respect them.
If a directive is not important enough for you to be consistent about, it is not important enough for her to follow.

Say what you mean, and mean what you say.
I think that this is very important--don't make threats that you are not willing to follow through on, don't make statements that you are not willing to back up with actions, and do not make promises that you cannot keep.
If you are going to control her, or hurt her, or do whatever your idea of D/s is, she must be able to place a great deal of trust in you. Trust isn't (and shouldn't), be given blindly. There has to be a basis for it--one that shows submitting, for all its danger, is safe.
When your word is law, that word must also be true.

Base your Dominance on respect, not fear.
Personally, I get off on a bit of fear. But that's me, and years of knowing that Alpha will also save me from my fears. It is not a basis for our power exchange.
You don't want her to submit because she is afraid of you--you want her to submit because she respects you and you are worthy of that respect. And hopefully, because she discovers that she wants/needs it too, and has a desire to please you.
By the same token, if she believes that submitting to you means losing the respect you have for her, this road is probably going to lead to a dead-end. There are reasons that you love and live with this woman--you (hopefully), like her mind and respect her as a person. This has to show in your interactions.

Remember that you can do irreparable damage--both to your relationship, and to your partner.
Physical damage is a danger if you "play rough". But it is fairly easy to avoid with diligence and some gentle experimentation. The last thing you want to do is end up breaking her neck (I'm not joking. It has happened). Know your own strength, your "toys," and her physical limitations.
Psychological damage is more difficult to avoid, can be harder to immediately recognize, and has results that can be far more devastating than physical markings. If you damage her mind, you have done something with serious repercussions--you can't just put a band-aid on it and move on.
This is one of the reasons that taking things slowly is usually the best approach. And there's really no substitute for knowing someone well.

I asked Alpha for his input on this post, and he requested that I add a bit about what he calls cool down--most commonly known as aftercare. In other words, the importance of what happens after you "Play." This applies to both mental and physical activities.
How you take care of her afterwards will go a long way towards solidifying or damaging the relationship you are building. Most of us submissives cannot engage in intense BDSM activities and simply walk it off on our own. Well, we can--but it tends to be a rather unpleasant, and sometimes lengthy, process.
If you hurt her, she needs to know that you are capable of kindness; if you humiliate her, she needs to know that you still respect her; if you control her, she needs to know that she has surrendered of her own free will.
It is often more about what you do after, than it is about the actual activities themselves. It is a symbiotic process in which one aspect cannot succeed without the other.
Alpha likens it to the creation of a samurai sword (I asked if i could have one, he said no). It is a combination of heat and cold that tempers the blade. Too hot, and the blade warps. Too cold, and it breaks. A molecular change occurs in the tempering. There is an exact and delicate combination of heat and cold that creates the perfect blade--the cool-down process is critical.

"To fashion these blades, the smith not only must possess physical strength, but also patience, dexterity, and a refined eye for the limits of the material and the beauty of a finished sword."

 --Edward Hunter

"It has been said that the samurai's sword was his soul. Perhaps this deep attachment had something to do with the perfect melding of form and function found in the katana, as the famous curved sword is known in Japan. Invented a millennium ago, the katana remains a marvel of aesthetic beauty and skillful engineering."

—Rima Chaddha and Audrey Resutek

So there's my ten cents on getting your wife or girlfriend to submit to you. I have never been Dominant in a relationship, and have no real concept of what it's like to live on that side of the fence. But I do know what garners my respect as a submissive, solidifies my faith in his ability to lead, and inspires me to submit.

While I do think that Dominants tend to not be quite as susceptible to comparison as us subs, it is important to remember that one cannot successfully model their relationship after someone else's.
Learning and research is great, and can give very useful insights. But everything you read is another person's perspective--it is about what works for them and their relationship.
It sounds corny, but what you're really seeking is inside you--outside experience and opinion is just a way to help light the path towards your own self-discovery.

Getting What We Want

I have been thinking about this whole "getting what we want" business. It's a subject that has been cropping up on various blogs, mostly the ones of new submissives.
This morning, I read one tori wrote, and it's clearly not an issue that only myself and people new to this kind of life have to deal with.
I decided that rather than leave a mile long comment on tori's post, I would come back and take up space in my own little corner.

Originally, the biggest reason I didn't bring my desires for a D/s relationship to Alpha's attention, was that I was afraid of what would happen if I got what I wanted.
It's a reasonable fear right?

I think that sometimes we focus too much on what we want, and forget to think about what getting our desires might actually entail.
Conversely, it is quite possible to spend so much time wondering about the ramifications, that we make it impossible to achieve whatever it is we are hoping for.

It seems that the adage "be careful what you wish for," applies to many of us subs. Because we want something, and then if we get it, we often have what I call "Oh shit" moments. And I have had lots of them.

I wanted a D/s relationship where we actually lived in an exchange of power.
One day Alpha sat me down and informed me that if I wanted to treat it like a game, he wasn't playing. He said that it was going to be all or nothing--I had to commit fully to it or back out now because it was not going to be a game.

He told me to carefully consider my decision because, one way or another, we were not going to go backwards. I think it's pretty obvious what that decision was...

Looking back, that was one of the biggest turning points for us when it comes to the D/s aspect of our relationship.

Yes, there have been many times since that had me saying "Oh shit! What have I done?" But it's not a decision I would take back. He knows me well. And he knew that half-way would never work.

I guess I got distracted...

My original thought process (1 cup of coffee ago), while largely inspired by tori's post, was mostly about the people who are new to D/s relationships.
If Dominance and submission is something you want to explore, it is well worth taking the time to consider what might happen if you actually get it. Fantasy is great, but it rarely meshes well with reality.

If you want to Dominate, what does that mean to you? If it's just about getting your way, and doing whatever you want, chances are you aren't going to be a good Dominant. You have to be willing to accept the responsibility that comes with being the person in control, and think about how your decisions impact the one submitting to you.
That's a very simplified view that leaves out a lot, but it works for the point I'm trying to make about really trying to think through what you want.

By the same token, if you want to submit, what does that mean? Is it a game you want to play for fun? Or is it the way you want to live. And if it is the way you want to live, how might that impact your life?
I believe that submission is very much about surrendering to the will of another person. If submission is what you want, and you get it, the results often come in the form of not getting your way. Submission is defined by our Dominants--not dictated by the forms that we think it should take.

I have lots of experience with preconceived notions. Lord knows, I've had plenty of them. And when one is exploring this kind of thought process, it's really easy to get loaded down with those notions. Nothing is set in stone, and things rarely turn out as badly or perfectly as we think they will.
So I believe it's wise to think it through, but not to get too stuck in those thoughts.

My fantasy of submission is generally about those moments crushed up against the wall, that intense feeling of being conquered, the incredible experience of bending to his will.

But that bending is not always something that fits fantasy.
When you live submission, sometimes it's about checking the mail, getting up at the crack of dawn to make coffee, mucking around in the dirty laundry, making cookies at midnight, and a whole host of things generally unrelated to the whips and chains many of us love so much.

We don't always get what we want. But I think that in a good relationship (of any flavor), we get what we need. Sometimes it's more or less than we asked for. Occasionally it is something completely different than what we wanted.
It's okay to struggle with getting what we want. And it's okay to struggle with not getting what we want. As long as we end up where we need to be.

I Want My Husband to Dominate Me

 If you intend to get to the end of this post, I suggest generous quantities of coffee.

The second most common search term that finds me is variations of "How to get my husband to dominate me". And things along the lines of "How to make him more Dominant".
For some reason I find it somewhat ironic that most people stumble here with the keyword "submissive". Perhaps I see irony in it because I'm not a shining example...

This post should have probably been broken into two, but it's not. So long ramble it is.
One of the reasons I think that this is rather a tricky subject is that it doesn't always go well. The results we think we want aren't always what we need, and what we are trying to achieve does not always go as we had hoped it would.

Anyways, where was I?

Oh yes, how to get one's husband to be Dominant. I suppose the simple solution would be to talk to him. Crazy right? But I think it really is the best route.
Here's the thing though--I know that's a lot easier said than done. This blog started because I couldn't just sit down and talk to my husband about what I what I wanted or needed, about what was working and what wasn't, or even things as simple as my feelings about D/s.

Getting back to the point here...What can I say, I'm easily distracted.

I think that when we begin talking about "making" someone Dominant, or "making" them submissive, we are treading in murky water
My reasoning is that you cannot "make" anyone be something they are not. Sure, many of us have varying traits laying beneath the surface that can be drawn out and explored.
But if that trait is not in there somewhere to begin with, we are trying to change who that person inherently is.

There are some scary thoughts that arise when we start to consider that we want the person who married us to change their role. They could react indifferently, they could reject us for what we have come to realize we are, or they might accept it and make the thoughts in our mind a reality (the last having been my personal fear).

I think that the first and most important step is to try and arrive at an understanding of yourself--what you need, whether you see it as being a bedroom only activity or a part of daily life. Things like that.
And if you can't answer those questions, communicate that fact to him as clearly as possible.

In my mind, it comes down to couple of very basic truths if you are trying to get your husband to be more Dominant--he will not be able to give you what you are searching for if he doesn't know anything about it. And if he does he might not give it.

If you are brave (unlike me), the best route is simply to sit down and talk about it.  Really--best way to go.
If not, you can write it out. Which, while it does sound like bit cop out, has the advantage of giving you time to think and phrase things as clearly as possible.
Or in the wonderful age of the internet, you could pull up a website or blog, say you find it interesting, and take the conversation from there. Though do yourself a favor and start small--something fairly easy to assimilate with realistic thoughts and concepts. Not the page with five women suspended from the ceiling being beat with bullwhips, or a blog post with the woman unrealistically living naked in a cage. You want to be closer. Not have him selling the dog's bedroom.
I think that the biggest challenge in this approach is avoiding the pitfalls of comparison. You are trying to create an exchange of power within your own relationship--not model it after someone elses.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In order for there to be successful Domination, there must be submission. I think it is somewhat common to broach the subject, start getting what you asked for, and back-peddle as fast as possible by refusing to submit. Myself being case in point.
The thing is, that really doesn't work. If you want him to be Dominant, you are going to have to submit. And you aren't always going to like it.

Domination of a spouse goes against what many of us were taught is right and successful in a relationship. Sometimes it takes a huge relearning of ourselves and our other half. And that is why it is important to seriously evaluate your wants and needs first--is this a game you want to play in the bedroom, or is it the way you need to live your life? Either way is fine and can change over time. But clarity is good.

When the submissive is the person who brings D/s to the table, it's easy to be critical, to think he's "doing it wrong" because what we are getting does not live up to the image we have built in our minds (that's one of the drawbacks to all the lovely information one can find on the internet).
But ultimately, we are asking him to do things his way. And in order for him to become comfortable in that role, we have to accept the way he chooses to do what he does.

That's not to say that whatever he comes up with right off the bat has to be accepted as gospel. After all, it is a learning curve on both sides of the equation. It just means that getting what we ask for does not always come in the forms we thought it would.

Introducing the concept of power exchange into an established marriage is a challenge, because we are shaking the ground beneath the foundation of who we see ourselves to be and how we interact with each other.
Chances are that it won't be what we imagined--after all, functioning within reality can be far different than the fantasy we create in our minds. And it's important to be realistic.
But it is something that we grow into together. An evolutionary process within the realm of our relationship. So having it all at once is not as important as we sometimes feel it to be--it's better to take one's time and build upon what we have without shattering our foundation completely than it is to jump in without thought and destroy that which we have already built.

I think that it is important to acknowledge that there are men who will never be Dominant no matter how hard they try because it's just not part of who they are. 
In the end, we will never be able to make someone become something they are not.

We can however, place what we have become on the table and see where it leads. Because we will most likely never get what we need if we cannot find some way of communicating what that need is.

So there's my twenty cents on that subject. Not to be interpreted as sage advice or anything related to such lol.
And to those who haven't been searching for this particular soap box of mine--I think you earned more coffee.
I have gotten some search hits for "making someone submissive", too...I could ramble about that one...Or would that just require more caffeine than the world has to offer?

There are Differences Between Abuse and BDSM

In all fairness to my readers, possible triggers and disagreeable opinions ahead. Other reads are on the right.

I wanted to do a BDSM versus abuse post last summer, but I just couldn't cool off enough for it not to be a rant. Then the inspiration faded and I never wrote it. Given that thing1 has repeatedly reverted to her previous abuser, I have been inspired again.

These are of course, merely my opinions, and they aren't changing anytime soon. So feel free to disagree. That's the beauty of the internet--everyone gets their two cents.
Of course, the beauty of blogging is getting to give your own two cents to your hearts content.
And where else am I going to jump up on my soap box and preach to the masses? We call the people who do it on street corners crazy, those who do it on blogs are bloggers. Snazzy huh.

So for those of you who arrive here by searching for the term "the difference between BDSM and abuse", here's my ten cents.

There's no doubt thing1 needs someone to take her in hand. And I can't help but wonder if what she was looking for before the drugs, before the jerk, before she became what she is now, was something resembling a D/s relationship.

I have seen it written that the difference between BDSM and abuse is consent--an abused woman doesn't give her consent to be beaten and controlled, whereas a submissive has given her consent.
I disagree. While the circumstance are quite different, consent is given by presence--thing1 has given jerk consent to beat the crap out of her because she keeps going back for more.

Sounds cold doesn't it? And it does come from a bit of a cynical place, but I still believe it to be true.
I do realize that some women don't have anyone in their lives to support them and help them escape, but many do. And they just don't take the option.

And neither is knowing the difference between right and wrong the key element here. Thing1 once tried to tell me she could be with shithead now because he's grown--now he knows that what he did was wrong.
I beg to differ. He knew it was wrong to beat her head into the pavement. He just did it anyways. People do things they know are wrong all the time. Knowing that you have done something wrong doesn't make you a better person--it just means you're not a complete psychopath.

That being said, there are truly psychopathic people in this world who are capable of extreme and horrific abuse. I think those are the ones who are capable of digging their claws so far into someone's mind, the other person becomes somewhat incapable of separating themselves.

So if consent and knowledge of doing wrong aren't the defining differences, than what are?

I believe there are many. And I will probably miss quite a few of them. After all, this subject could be debated endlessly.

In my mind, one of the biggest differences is that abusive relationships come from a loss of control on the abuser's part; whereas, BDSM is very much about control--submissive gives control, Dominant exercises self control in the exertion of his will.

In abusive relationships, there seems to be a lot of "it's my fault" from the abused, and quite a bit of "you shouldn't have made me lose my temper--it's your fault" from the abuser.
I believe that responsibility is a hallmark of Dominants. Specifically, personal responsibility. An abuser is never responsible for their actions--it's the fault of the abused for provoking the anger.

In my relationship, actions have consequences and punishment can be one of those consequences. That is our arrangement and it works just fine for us.
Now, if he loses his temper and comes unglued (which is quite rare), it's Not my fault.

An abusive relationship also has the markings of the abused partner not being of equal value (contrary to popular opinion, equal value is not the same as equal footing), they are somehow not up to par and must be changed. Who they are is not acceptable, their input is not welcome, what is acceptable one day may not be the next.
Alpha's Dominance has released and enhanced who I am. It has never sought to change who I inherently am as a person--instead it brings out the parts of me I deny, tempers the parts of me that need work, and encourages my evolution as myself.

Then there is emotion.
Abuse occurs in anger and causes fear of real harm.
Fear is the tool that an abusive partner most often uses to keep the other person with them. It is the binding that holds them together. Not love, not intimacy, not the experience itself.

Alpha occasionally slaps me. Does it bother me? Well, no. Interesting things happen in my mind when he does it. But he has never once touched me in anger. Do I fear that he will harm me? No. Occasionally I may fear the things he could choose to do, or implements he may decide to use, but not him.
And yea, as he says, I'm a bit of a twisted kitty and to some extent, I get off on fear.

Of course, intent plays it's part too...
In a D/s oriented relationship, the best interests of the submissive and the relationship are reflected in a Dominants actions. Of course, what is in our best interests is not always what we want or like, but it is not detrimental.

BDSM can be subtle, children don't witness it, and the undertones of D/s can occur in a manner that slides right over their heads. Abuse occurs regardless of the presence of children and its impacts on their well-being. You will not walk into my house and see busted furniture, broken baubles, and children cowering in the corner crying that daddy hit mommy.

I believe that BDSM is, among many other things, about exploring possibilities, growing as a person, and accepting who you are.
It is intimacy with pleasure and pain, the experience of stripping away superficial trappings, an exchange of power for the mutual growth and benefit of Dominant and submissive.

This is not all to say that the two are mutually exclusive--that there is no such thing as an abusive relationship between people who practice BDSM. I think that when those lines blur, we are actually looking at the worst culmination of both worlds with the most destructive impacts on the abused.
It's not something I intend to ramble about here as I really have no clear personal perspective on it.