The thing is...
For him, computer games are what makes his head stop spinning. They're how he blocks out the world, and makes everything go away for a moment in time. Or sex, sex does it for him.
For me? The only thing that seems to do that for me, is his Domination. Honestly, I wish it weren't so, but I have yet to find a valid and acceptable substitute. Sex doesn't do it. In fact, it becomes slightly less appealing because my brain is, well, it's still rehashing today, yesterday, the needs of tomorrow, and the possibilities of next month. That's not hot.
Sometimes I do ask. And I know that my asking does not create an obligation for him to give. That is not our arrangement.
I try to escape, it's a revolving door that I find myself walking through monthly.
Then the yearning sets in. The obsession. The knowledge that I still haven't quite learned the silly lesson...
I will always come crawling back begging for what I need.
Craving him.
Sometimes though, what makes the world vanish for me, is work for him.
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I so get all of this - but your last line - i still can't understand, believe, internalize the fact that he wants to do the work it takes to take care of me. Because it clearly is work for him- though he tries to explain that he is wired to do work - it is part of him - he chooses hobbies that are work, and it is just how he approaches life. Come to think of it - so do i - most mom's do - no? I bet you do. And i bet he has his own version of being wired to want to, even need to do, what it takes to take care of you. It is so hard to ask for though, especially when so much else is going on. I keep wishing luck your direction.
ReplyDeletegg,
DeleteI admire your approach, and I do think that there is great merit in it. Some days though, it is a difficult concept for me to embrace. And while I do think that D/s shouldn't always be "Work", I also feel that relationships do take work--no matter what form the relationship takes. Sometimes his work sucks to do, and I don't want to be sucky work, if that makes any sense...
For my husband, it's sports and sex. Lately, (head hangs low) sex is causing me more problems than helping...
ReplyDeleteI like greengirl's thoughts, but at the same time...I don't want him to feel like he has to "work" when it comes to me. He does so much already. And if it was something he wanted to do, wouldn't he doing it already? Ugh. I'm really good at not helping you, aren't I? Lol
Misty,
Deletethere are days when I feel like sex is always causing me problems!
I totally get what you mean about not wanting him to feel like he has to work when it comes to you. Yep.
Maybe not helpful, but the selfish in me always likes having company in my leaky boat!
Asking is so hard. I am a lot like you, service to Sir brings me back to a state of calm. That and solitude.
ReplyDeleteBut asking is so hard, makes me feel like a burden, especially when he's doing his calm down activities. (Internet, video games...)
*hugs*
Awkward Frog Blue,
DeleteYep, that's generally how I feel about asking too! Plus, dunno, if I'm asking for something I have to admit I want or need it, and then I can't pretend it's something I'm doing for him...Not really a shining character recommendation lol, but there you have it...
I understand how you feel because Daddy is that for me.
ReplyDeleteRaine,
Deleteit's amazing how they can do that, isn't it?
I get this too Lil. Why is asking so damn hard to do ... argh! He tells you should ask, so you need to try and trust that ... that is what he wants. Yeah, easy I know.
ReplyDelete((Hugs))
Roz
Roz,
Deleteit does sound quite simple in theory!
Asking is difficult, and although I would still prefer he takes what he wants, without me having to ask, he likes me to ask, well to beg preferably, im more comfortable with it now because sometimes he will deny me until i do ask....and i would rather ask than be denied lol
ReplyDeletex
tori,
DeleteI guess sometimes we just have to reach that point where anything is better than the denial! I seem to fluctuate ridiculously--after a certain amount of time I just go kind of numb maybe, move past wanting it at all...