Life...

Life is kicking my ass. The circle of life sure as hell feels like a washing machine set on high. I used to think we led very stable lives. I knew where we were, had an idea of where we were going, and life was just...life. After our move fell through, leaving us in the worst financial situation we have ever been in, a dear friend of M's died, I got a job, and my father became deathly ill. I feel like the world as I knew it to be is gone. M keeps me halfway sane. He's the only stability in my life. But it's been really hard on M too. He has never had to stay home with the boys which is it's own special brand of insanity no matter how much you love your kids. My fathers downturn has been really painful for M as well. He has been M's best friend for years even though it has been difficult over the past months due to father's illness beginning to impact his mind a bit. M is facing being the head of a family consisting of myself, my mother, and his two younger sisters and the responsibility coupled with impending loss is weighing heavily on Him.
Working is messing with my general flow of life. It's been ten years since I had a job outside the home. I discovered that I hate cleaning and taking care of running a house (that's my work, I care for an ill man which means I clean, cook, run errands, and basically help him run his life). In retrospect, I kind of enjoy those things at home because of M. Doing those things as an expression of love and submission brings some semblance of joy to those menial tasks and without that they are little more than mind-numbing and meaningless actions that give me the time for to much thought.
I am having a difficult time with submission lately. In a way it keeps me sane, but these days my mind just won't shut up and get out of my way enough to fall completely into space like I usually do. Life seems so full of pain and worry that there is room for little else in me. In my deepest moments of sadness, kneeling at M's feet, I know that I will always be okay as long as I can rest there where I belong. The condition I have been in, that doesn't ease my mind as it should. I just end up worrying about M's health and praying that I never go through what my mother is going through now after 30 years of marriage. He is the glue that keeps me together. Without Him, my existance would feel completely meaningless.
The little one is up and having a fit, so I need to hang out with him a bit before I head out into the world for the day. And what a crazy world it is.

Upside down and inside out

I have to say, the last month of my life has been a rollercoaster ride towards hell and it's just not coming back up the other side anytime soon. Our move fell though and no one wants to pay M the money they owe, which has left us in a terrible monetary situation. I started working 40 hours a week since M doesn't have work for the first time in ten years. It wasn't working for M so I'm cutting back to 24 hours a week. I'm not bringing in enough money to pay the bills and it's kind of depressing working in a caretaker poisition and cleaning someone else's house. I realised that my joy in a neat house comes from my expectations that M will enjoy it. Without that, not even the monetary reward of getting payed to do it brings that much satisfaction (okay, if I was actuaslly making enough money to pay the bills, it would probably be more satisfying lol). We are still keeping our eyes out for a house, but we have to much debt to qualify for a loan right now and recent events unrelated to our move have made us decide that we are definately staying here for a bit longer, probably until mid-winter or spring.
My father is dying. He's been ill for a long time, but now the downward spiral just keeps on getting worse. He refuses to go to the hospital which, while I kind of wish he would, I am not surprised about. I knew he wouldn't choose to die any different than he lived. I don't know if it will be a few months or weeks, not having a medical perspective to go on. It's incredibly painful to see him in so much pain with my mom disintigrating beside him. It's all really fucking with me. Between being out in the world working (something I am not used to at all), my fathers illness, and M's health issues, I feel like my life is disintigrating around me. I have developed this overwhelming fear of not having M in my life. We have been together since I was 15, being owned completely and facing a death close to me, the thought of possibly ever losing M, my owner, my lover, my husband, my Master, my life, is eating me up. When I was a kid, my father was my best friend. Whenever I was sick and woke up at night, he was always awake reading and watching over me. For the last 12 years, M has been my best friend in the whole world on every level and I couldn't live without Him. Life just seems like to much to handle sometimes.
Last night after M used me, I cried. Not the a few tears well up quietly cried, outright sobbing. M just held me and told me to let it out. Then He said He may know me better than I know myself, but He doesn't always understand me. I think it was just the release of orgasm and being in space making me let go of my pent up emotions and fears.
Life has been so sad lately. In a way, anger is what holds me together, without it I feel like I'm a mess. I have plenty of it I guess lol. Getting screwed over on both a friendship and monetary level to the extent we did, makes me mad. Our so called friends rounded it off by going to my parents where my father is obviously dying on the couch and my mom is a mess and basically stole a 3,000 dollar car from them. I bitch a lot, but when it comes right down to the wire, I generally back off and cool my shit. This time, I think it's a good thing they moved like we were supposed to. I have witnessed umm, I'll call them revelation moments, that change someones life in a big way and usually seems to involve the offending party with a gun to their head. I have never been on the giving end, but this time I really thought about it. If M wasn't a more stable person than I, it might have really happened.
I miss feeling stable. I feel like the world as I knew it has turned upside down and inside out.

such is life...

Well, the shit hit the fan and we have no house to move into. ironically it happened the day we were supposed to start moving boxes. With friends like that, who needs enemies? Anyways, it also rained on my computer, so until we can get it fixed, I won't be posting to the blog. Hopefully it will be back up and running by the end of next week.
In an attempt to minimize my typing (I'm on a dinosaur computer with a fucked up graphics card), I would just like to thank Pet for the kind comments she has left me.

The phone call

M called me around 10:00 last night. It was awesome. Normally we are both surrounded by people or children when He calls so there are very few verbal reminders that I am His. Not last night though. "It doesn't matter how far away I am. You are always MINE and when I get home I am going to show you jst exactly how mine you are." Omg, can you say goosebumps. I slept like a baby, well, like a baby with another baby stealing the pillow and kicking me in the head, but that's okay lol. Talking with M last night reminded me that I am the luckiest woman in the world. After we make it through this hellish patch, things will be as they should once more.

I could have been...
I realize now
that without you I would have been, a slave to my needs
broken to meet other men's means
drowning in the fire
of a broken slut free for use and abuse.
I would have lived forever inside my walls
looking out at my body as it was lost to the world
covered only by a sea of dirty pearls.
I would have spent years
sitting alone with a razor in the dark
trying to drain with my blood
the filth they left within
wondering who I could have been
and where I might have gone.
In the war of my mind
there are no neutral zones
there never was a place good enough to call home.
I would have been forever
all alone.
For the longest time I tried to wash away
the dirt of their sins
that crawled inside my mind like he used my body.
I could have been
broken by this world
a trauma junky to the core
hidden inside a used up little whore.
I would have left closed
the doors of my mind
and stayed hiding inside,
done anything to avoid really feeling this life.

I feel like...
I am alone
drowning in the deep dark hole that is
my broken soul.
I am cold
sitting in the dark
so lonely here without the magic of Your spark.
I feel like that young girl again
destroyed in the night
watching the blood spill from my skin
nothing but a slight reflection of the pain within.
I am a submissive without my submission
lost and wandering
lonely and wondering
what I will be when this world is through with me.
I am
my own guard dog
chained to the tree of my own fears
lost in the garden of these passing years.
I am
standing on the edges of sanity
looking into the abyss of psychosis
filled with my own demons.
A blight is falling
on my garden of Eden
where is that feeling of being watched over by something all-knowing and all-seeing?
Leaving me only with this painful state of being
less than I was before, not more than I could have been.
On a road without direction
no map to be my guide
lost and wandering
without You by my side.
Master it is cold inside this heart of mine
Master I am lost again, wandering in the dark
leaning on nothing but a broken heart and a dirty soul.
Master you broke into my tower
demolished the walls within which I hid
opened my mind like a lid
and made me feel kind of like a little kid.
Now I kneel alone here in the pile of rubble that was my shell from the world
as strangers walk by snickering in the dark
no protecting spark
to light my way.
Master may I have my walls back
to keep out this big world full of fear, pain, and tears.
Something else to keep me sane throughout the years.
Master perhaps I should not have given what You have taken
for without You I am now useless
a mere shell of who I am and should have been.
Master please
save me from myself
take me once again from my inner Hell.
Master please
I can't do this anymore.
Owned yet alone
looking at this mess we call home
staring at the rubble of my walls with nowhere to hide
from the nagging little demons inside.
Master won't you please
come back and stay with me.

I am...
Yours.
I could have never been
another man's wife
I would have never known what this experience we call love really is.
The feeling of Your love is like being part of an incredible storm
washing me clean from within, always knowing I am the safest I have ever been
the bite of Your whip on my flesh
as we ride in this space, the sensation of Your hands gripping my throat as You make me admit my most dirty fantasies.
And still You love me. At those moments where it feels like we occupy the same space and time, the closest two beings could ever get, You know me more completely than I know myself.
By owning me, loving me, making me Your whore, and the queen at Your feet, You have made me whole.
As you force me to my knees, making me beg--Master please, You complete me and cleanse my soul.
Everything I am belongs to You.
I love You.

Feeling like I'm living without submission?

A while back, I felt like something in me changed. Almost like an invisible click. The difference between speaking the words and drowning in them, between a thought and an action, a concept and an experience. That is the only way I can think of describing my descent into submission. Not that it wasn't gratifying and wonderful before, but it was more of a hollow action than a fulfilling state of being. I feel like the longer we practically live in different states, the more that feeling slips away. Without it is like the difference between walking through a bad neighborhood (or my neighborhood if you want to make that distinction lol) with a really big vicious dog, or all alone and naked.
To live where we do really requires that someone be in a constant state of Dominating their surroundings. You accept that you must be willing to step outside and deal with the meth heads on your own (yea, emergency response, not one of our county's strong points), you accept that any kind of creep may come to your door at any time of the night. You accept that you are fully responsible for your own safety and well-being (not that every one isn't anyways, it just seems like some places are a bit more ummm, stressful, than others). I was used to that. I grew up here. But years with M at my side protecting me has removed that feeling of panic I get as dark starts to fall now. It's an ironic and annoyingly pathetic sensation because I am thoroughly capable of taking care of myself. I guess it still lingers with me from the things that happened when I was young. In my heart I always fear a repeat of those nights only worse.
A long time ago, we established that physical distance for extended periods of time was not good for us or our relationship. There is no place to hide from the incessant bill collectors, the fears of what nighttime might bring, the worries about the end of our lives as we know them to be. The submission that is my shell of sanity is not here for me to run to.
I am so fucking tired of being in charge around here. I feel so incredibly empty and alone it's not even laughable. I kind of wish I had friends to come and visit me lol. As anyone who may read this blog already knows, I'm not big on friends. It's not that I wouldn't like to have a few, it's just that I don't need, or want, empty, drama-filled relationships with women who will never really know who I am or even care to do so.
It was more true than I knew when I said that I didn't care where we were or what we had as long as I could rest my knees at M's feet.

Uh, really?!?

Well, it was nice to log in for a good bitching and have a comment wishing me luck for the move. Lord knows we need it because the shit just keeps hitting the fan. M's truck got messed up when He left this time, so no more four-wheel drive. Hopefully the damn thing will make it through the summer. The real kicker is though, my house is 3/4 packed up, M told the people He used to work for to fuck off (they really deserved it), and invested the last three months setting up work and a house for us in another state. Today his investor/sponsor/general pain in the ass, said we can't have the house and do M's work there "oh well, to bad." We have invested everything in this. We have done everything but mortgage our house. M has no work here, I'm not qualified for so much as a job at a fast food restaurant, and the boy needs to be registered in school by August 3rd. For fucks sake! I've been a pretty firm believer in Karma, and M holds tightly to His belief that you get what you give. I'm beginning to have my doubts though. Maybe I was an evil dictator in my last life or something lol. Speaking of dictators...the little one is having a conniption so blog time is over for now.