This world we live in and "why mom?"

If someone had told me that I would be sitting at the dinner table explaining the longstanding conflict between Palestine and Israel, the U.S occupation of Iraq, and why people do so many bad things to each other, I might have put a bit more thought into procreating. How do you best explain to your 7 year old, wars that have been going on since before you were born, conflicts that rage on for years, and why that 7 year old on the other side of the world has no legs? I love my kids. What makes them more important than that kid across the world who has no legs? Nothing except for the fact that they are more important to me. It seems like the world as a whole has devolved to the point where we think it's normal and okay to completely lack human empathy. Lacking empathy is what allows us to turn a blind eye to the suffering of others, to place our pain above that of others, to say, my life is more important because...it's mine.
Yea, I hate those discussions. I think our first nitty-gritty discussion that made me reevaluate parenthood was Thanksgiving. "Yes baby, it was a massacre, ummm, why do we celebrate it? Because we do so in the spirit of giving thanks for what we have been given, in the spirit of which those who died offered to share what they had with others. Not to celebrate the pain and suffering that occurred on the original day." Eeek. Well, I'm sure many people would be more than happy to disagree with my style of parenting. But I don't believe in lying to my children. Not telling them about the truth of this world is not going to make this world a better place, it won't make them become better men. It will only doom us to repeating the mistakes of humanity. After all, if we don't know, or cannot admit past faults, how can we learn from them?
Okay, that's my completely non-sexy and uninteresting philosophical rambling for the day lol.

I think all I ever do is clean. I clean all day at work, stumble home late, then spend my days off cleaning our house. Been averaging 5-6 hours of sleep which is making me just plain cranky. I forgot how hard it is to get a little one to sleep in their own bed. I just wanna be a big girl with my (well, His) own bed again lol.
I went into space the other night for the first time in a while. It felt really wonderful just to be able to let go and sink down. Of course, I did end up crying afterwards when M gave me shit about blowing out the candles when we had no lighter. Wow, how ridiculous that looks in writing. I guess I just get really super sensitive to what He thinks of me ( the irony in not minding being called a slut all night and being hurt about getting a little shit afterwards is not lost on me lol).

Anyways, I have philosophical meanderings on my mind that my kids are not interested in hearing this morning lol. I was thinking about love on the way home last night. Well, love and emotional suffering. I suppose it was a pretty basic realization, but it's something I hadn't really ever thought about in quite this way--love seems to be the one thing on earth that can bring the greatest joy and the worst pain. All surrounding that one emotion. If you didn't love someone, it wouldn't hurt when they died. If you never love, then you miss the most fulfilling emotion a person can experience. Why is it, that one emotion can cause feelings that are so completely opposite (I am welcoming ideas here lol)? Perhaps it's because love is such an intense emotion. It becomes something we hold onto like a lifeline out of the water. When we lose it, we feel like we have been swept away in the currents I guess. perhaps love really is a raging river. At the same time, experiencing it is like getting swept away. Being in love is so similar to losing love--you are carried down the river by forces of nature that are just to strong to control or resist. Hmmm, this all made some kind of weird sense in my head. Seeing it typed out it just looks contradictory and confused. Maybe it's because I'm not good at putting emotion into words. I'm done trying for today lol.

I had been kicking around the idea of taking a road trip with the boys and going out to see my father's family. I have done a lot of traveling, but never without M so the idea of driving across the country on my own is a bit scary. Ironically, it's something my father would probably have loved--me being able to take care of myself was very important to him. I doubt it will happen this year as the drive really needs to happen before snow falls or after it melts, and we just don't have the money. I have put off this particular visit for a very long time. After talking to my grandmother the other day, I feel I need to go. She can't come here and I would like her to meet our youngest son. I felt bad...She started to cry the instant I said my name. She sounds absolutely destroyed. The poor woman lost her husband, her youngest, and now, her eldest child within the span of one year. And her one living son appears to be going off the deep end. I told them to send him out to see me, but I guess he has a problem getting on a plane. I think he's afraid to come here. He's never been out here without my dad being a major presence. I just think that sometimes the best way to deal with an issue is to plow straight through to the other side. Meh, how did I get to be the adult here?

I have been having terrible cramps for no reason and my house is once again in need of cleaning. I had better start staring at it and getting up the motivation to do something with the mess.

Pieces of who I used to be

Force me to my knees

steal the air I breathe

shame me

claim me

stop one step short of maiming me

You never blamed me

for being a whore

You made me Yours

kept me off the streets

and away from other men's sheets

You kept me from the beds of despair

running Your hands through my tangled hair

You set aside my words and wants

for my dreams and needs

You heard me screaming

in a world unbelieving

that there was more than empty meniality

as you release your needs upon my body

your playground screaming in an endless river

dying to be heard

begging for a place to hide

You made me Your bride

took possession of my being

now you give me the space to grieve

and I no longer know what I need

to be let be, or beaten till I bleed

a queen whore on her knees

Master I have lost

that clarity of being

Master I'm trying to catch myself

but I think I need some help

I store my feelings on the shelf

using emotions to control other emotions

it's an inside explosion in motion

I was born without the ability to be broken

but I feel like I am losing pieces

of who I used to be

Master, I no longer know what I need

throw me on the bed

crawl inside my head

pulling those invisible threads

I have drowned

in amazing grace

pretty like lace

a once empty vessel floating through space

trying to hide my face and discover my place

I am no longer who I was

am I who I was meant to be?

Please don't ever set me free

from the bounds of our reality

Master I am losing

pieces of me.

Want versus need and what dreams will be

I think that one of the biggest differences between a D/s marriage and a vanilla one, is that husbands generally strive to give their wives what they want. A Dominant provides His wife what she needs. The two things are not always one and the same. Sure, I want to be cuddled and held, in this point of my life, I even need it just to maintain stability. But I also need to be a toy in the sadists playground. While there quite often comes a time where I find myself thinking, "holy fucking shit, enough, make it stopppp!" it seems like it isn't until after that point has been traveled far past, that I reach the state of mind I need. A place where there is no more thought, no more want, no more individual. Just being. M still has difficulty with his likes sometimes. I guess it's difficult to reconcile loving someone with the fact that you can get tremendous pleasure from inflicting pain on that same person. Anyways, I got off my mental track about what a person needs is not always what they want. Before my father died, he told M we had seven days of grieving, after which we needed to let him go so that his soul could continue its journey. I don't think this was meant as a cut-off point for sadness, simply a time frame in which we were allowed to actively hang on to his being, an easing into life without him (feels more like a 100 mile an hour train wreck, but anhyow...). We had decided that at the end of the seven days we would have a celebration in his honor. He always said "when I die, burn it down and have a big party." So that was the plan. On day two, my mom freaked out. She said she felt rushed and didn't want to go through with the event. This was really hard for M and I. On one hand, we had the directive of taking care of her and doing what makes mom happy. On the other hand, maybe making her happy wasn't as important as doing what we felt needed to be done. Poor M. He took her to the side to talk and she got really put out with Him. While they were talking I could see her hand on her hip and M's shoulder bow that said He was trying to explain Himself in a very non-Dominant way and do the right thing. I thought to myself, "what are we supposed to do dad, we're supposed to do what makes mom happy, but is that taking care of her in the right way?" I heard/sensed a reply (one I was quite grateful for, even though it took the added reinforcement of talking to our boys godmother to clear up whether we were doing what was needed or just hearing what we wanted). "What mom wants isn't always what mom needs." It's a true fact of being human that we rarely acknowledge. I didn't want to experience the pain of childbirth, but I needed it to show me how strong I am. We didn't want our move to fall through, but we needed it to so our family could be together during this time. I didn't want my dad to die, in fact, I really fucking want him back, but I think maybe I needed this experience in my life to help me become the person I was meant to be. Being a submissive gives me more of a relationship with M and life where I get what I need, not what I want (don't get me wrong, getting what you want can be pretty damn great, but it can be very different from what you need).

Okay, my philosophical musings are depleted now lol.
M's sister called me at 8 AM this morning to tell me she wanted M to go see a Dr. She had a dream that he had died and as a result of his passing, I died too leaving my mother with our boys. Quite often, I think dreams are random ramblings of the subconscious mind. Our hopes and fears, the best and worst of ourselves and our realities come out to play in the night. Dreams are not always that simple though, it's learning to draw the distinction that makes things complicated. Three months before my father died I had a dream that he was, for lack of a better word, grey. There was no color of life around him. I woke up and told M that I didn't think my dad would live to see another Spring. Life got complicated, and I decided to ignore my dream. I didn't want it to be true, and he was no sicker than he had been throughout the year. 2 weeks before he died I saw him. He was grey, not physically, but there was no color of life surrounding him. He looked just as he had in my dream. We went home and I told M my dad was going to die and I wished I had not ignored my dream and let circumstances and disagreements come between us. Sister's dream was not my own, so I can't sense the feeling of it. My father's death has been rough on her and her sister too. He filled a very important place in their lives from a very young age. It could just be her fear of losing the biggest rocks in her life--M and I. But I am not the only dreamer in our family and I have been deeply concerned with M's health lately. M payed the dream no mind and told me not to worry. Funny thing is, the thought of my own death has never really bothered me, the thought of losing M or one of our children--that's a mind crushing concept for me.
I think I need a very intense session to take me back out of my mind and clear out the cobwebs. I don't really want one though lol.

Life...

Life is kicking my ass. The circle of life sure as hell feels like a washing machine set on high. I used to think we led very stable lives. I knew where we were, had an idea of where we were going, and life was just...life. After our move fell through, leaving us in the worst financial situation we have ever been in, a dear friend of M's died, I got a job, and my father became deathly ill. I feel like the world as I knew it to be is gone. M keeps me halfway sane. He's the only stability in my life. But it's been really hard on M too. He has never had to stay home with the boys which is it's own special brand of insanity no matter how much you love your kids. My fathers downturn has been really painful for M as well. He has been M's best friend for years even though it has been difficult over the past months due to father's illness beginning to impact his mind a bit. M is facing being the head of a family consisting of myself, my mother, and his two younger sisters and the responsibility coupled with impending loss is weighing heavily on Him.
Working is messing with my general flow of life. It's been ten years since I had a job outside the home. I discovered that I hate cleaning and taking care of running a house (that's my work, I care for an ill man which means I clean, cook, run errands, and basically help him run his life). In retrospect, I kind of enjoy those things at home because of M. Doing those things as an expression of love and submission brings some semblance of joy to those menial tasks and without that they are little more than mind-numbing and meaningless actions that give me the time for to much thought.
I am having a difficult time with submission lately. In a way it keeps me sane, but these days my mind just won't shut up and get out of my way enough to fall completely into space like I usually do. Life seems so full of pain and worry that there is room for little else in me. In my deepest moments of sadness, kneeling at M's feet, I know that I will always be okay as long as I can rest there where I belong. The condition I have been in, that doesn't ease my mind as it should. I just end up worrying about M's health and praying that I never go through what my mother is going through now after 30 years of marriage. He is the glue that keeps me together. Without Him, my existance would feel completely meaningless.
The little one is up and having a fit, so I need to hang out with him a bit before I head out into the world for the day. And what a crazy world it is.

Upside down and inside out

I have to say, the last month of my life has been a rollercoaster ride towards hell and it's just not coming back up the other side anytime soon. Our move fell though and no one wants to pay M the money they owe, which has left us in a terrible monetary situation. I started working 40 hours a week since M doesn't have work for the first time in ten years. It wasn't working for M so I'm cutting back to 24 hours a week. I'm not bringing in enough money to pay the bills and it's kind of depressing working in a caretaker poisition and cleaning someone else's house. I realised that my joy in a neat house comes from my expectations that M will enjoy it. Without that, not even the monetary reward of getting payed to do it brings that much satisfaction (okay, if I was actuaslly making enough money to pay the bills, it would probably be more satisfying lol). We are still keeping our eyes out for a house, but we have to much debt to qualify for a loan right now and recent events unrelated to our move have made us decide that we are definately staying here for a bit longer, probably until mid-winter or spring.
My father is dying. He's been ill for a long time, but now the downward spiral just keeps on getting worse. He refuses to go to the hospital which, while I kind of wish he would, I am not surprised about. I knew he wouldn't choose to die any different than he lived. I don't know if it will be a few months or weeks, not having a medical perspective to go on. It's incredibly painful to see him in so much pain with my mom disintigrating beside him. It's all really fucking with me. Between being out in the world working (something I am not used to at all), my fathers illness, and M's health issues, I feel like my life is disintigrating around me. I have developed this overwhelming fear of not having M in my life. We have been together since I was 15, being owned completely and facing a death close to me, the thought of possibly ever losing M, my owner, my lover, my husband, my Master, my life, is eating me up. When I was a kid, my father was my best friend. Whenever I was sick and woke up at night, he was always awake reading and watching over me. For the last 12 years, M has been my best friend in the whole world on every level and I couldn't live without Him. Life just seems like to much to handle sometimes.
Last night after M used me, I cried. Not the a few tears well up quietly cried, outright sobbing. M just held me and told me to let it out. Then He said He may know me better than I know myself, but He doesn't always understand me. I think it was just the release of orgasm and being in space making me let go of my pent up emotions and fears.
Life has been so sad lately. In a way, anger is what holds me together, without it I feel like I'm a mess. I have plenty of it I guess lol. Getting screwed over on both a friendship and monetary level to the extent we did, makes me mad. Our so called friends rounded it off by going to my parents where my father is obviously dying on the couch and my mom is a mess and basically stole a 3,000 dollar car from them. I bitch a lot, but when it comes right down to the wire, I generally back off and cool my shit. This time, I think it's a good thing they moved like we were supposed to. I have witnessed umm, I'll call them revelation moments, that change someones life in a big way and usually seems to involve the offending party with a gun to their head. I have never been on the giving end, but this time I really thought about it. If M wasn't a more stable person than I, it might have really happened.
I miss feeling stable. I feel like the world as I knew it has turned upside down and inside out.

such is life...

Well, the shit hit the fan and we have no house to move into. ironically it happened the day we were supposed to start moving boxes. With friends like that, who needs enemies? Anyways, it also rained on my computer, so until we can get it fixed, I won't be posting to the blog. Hopefully it will be back up and running by the end of next week.
In an attempt to minimize my typing (I'm on a dinosaur computer with a fucked up graphics card), I would just like to thank Pet for the kind comments she has left me.