Honesty and abuse

i read a post on fetlife his morning asking about honesty and past abuse. By the time i found it, the thread had become an outright argument so i didn't bother commenting. The original question revolved around a Dom wanting his sub to be honest about past abuse and raised the premise that victims of abuse were less likely to be truthful. This is where the poster and i parted ways on our positions. In my personal experience, abuse doesn't make a sub a less honest person. It simply helps them create vaults and places to hide pain and icky experiences. It's a lot easier to be honest when you have complete trust in the fact that the person you are talking to is not going to judge or think less of you. Replies to the thread praised therapy and hollered about the evilness of using BDSM as therapy. i've been to therapy...yea, it helped some and i may not have made it to where i am today without that little bit of help. Did it help me "fix" my issues? Only in as much as it showed me i had them. The only thing that's actually helped has been ttwd. i have been pondering the different kinds of "dirty" lately, and it's not something i find easy to put into words but here goes. i spent years trying to wash off an invisible layer of filth. i felt as if i had been sullied from the inside out and nothing could make me clean again. In a way, D/s has changed that. Submitting to One, knowing that i am His filthy whore, and His alone, has created a sense of purity in me which is difficult to describe. For each experience i am there. It consumes and overwhelms me. i cannot run and hide inside the chambers of my mind. Pleasure and pain, tears and laughter, it all melds together and burns away the cobwebs of days long past.

Pillow talk

"One of the things I love about you little one, is that you're a filthy whore but you're still innocent and naive." i love pillow talk...who would have thought, an innocent whore...On a really happy note, i came on command last night and it was mind blowing!
Well, i'm off to make dinner for the family, then it's on to starting the work week. Very ironic to decide i hate my job and then have to take on another day ugh.

Disturbing things and submissive versus doormat, Dominant versus domineering

Something disturbing is happening to me...All of a sudden, when we are having sex, i can't cum when He tells me to. In fact, i can hardly cum at all. This makes me feel like i'm disappointing M because i am failing to do as i am told and freaks me out because i used to be completely unable to orgasm. The odd thing is, sex feels different. The act itself, is mind blowing...
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The other night i as i was floating dreamily in space, i asked M why He loves me. "I love you because you have free will and you choose to submit to Me little one. It's better than someone who doesn't have free will because they lack the capacity to choose. That's actually quite boring." That got me to thinking about a recent post on one of the blogs i read. About submissives, and being mindless doormats or spirited people who stand up for themselves which led me to musings of my own. The doormat does what she is told because she lacks the mental capacity to do otherwise. The conscious submissive does as she is told out of the choice to hand over her will. A doormat lacks the strength to help their Dominant, to be strong and make difficult decisions when it is needed. The spirited submissive has the ability to be her Dominants sanctuary as He is hers, she is the best person to back Him up in any given situation, and He knows He can rely on her when He needs to. This also coincides with the topic of Dominance versus domineering and the difference between BDSM and abuse. A Dominant is first and foremost in control of Himself. He enjoys the strength of His submissive. It is a direct reflection upon Himself and His abilities. A domineering wannabe looks for the doormats because He lacks the ability to truly Dominate another and he is without the capacity to control himself. He does not see the necessity in doing so. BDSM is beautiful truth. It is pure thought, pure pain, pure pleasure, pure being. The ultimate surrender. Abuse is just some asshole who likes to hit someone because he can. Thus, for him, the submissive doormat is his relationship of choice. Abuse lacks purity and clarity. It does not make a person rise to new heights or better themselves.
my philosophical musings for the day lol. Pet (my submissive life, listed over on the right) made a comment the other day pointing out that there are many wrong ways and no right way when it comes to BDSM. She's right. These are my musings, how i feel and what i see it as. i am sure some will disagree with me and that is their prerogative. i guess it's a good thing they don't have to deal with me then huh?

Changing the name of the blog

i have decided to change the name of this blog. If i change the address as well, and it makes the blog disapear for my current followers, feel free to email hislittleone69@gmail.com for the new address.

Puddle of confusion

If someones going to waste 5 minutes reading this post, might as well waste 10 and read the one before it or it won't make sense lol.
i have been all kind of out of sorts over the past couple of days. M had a tooth pulled without painkillers so He's in less than tip top shape right now Himself.
i can't go all the way down...when that happens, it really bothers me. A lot. i think the way i have been feeling is related to what M told me the other day. i think since it was an event that occurred so long ago, He figured it wouldn't really be something i had to work through. But it is. There are still things He misses about her, all in the bedroom granted, but that's a big part of our life, and a huge part of my submission. He said that, never for a minute, does He regret choosing me instead of her but he does think about their sex life sometimes. i wish that i could be enough for Him...Last night when we went to sleep there was actually distance between us. That hasn't happened in ages and i hate it. It doesn't help that i'm having a hard time cumming when i'm told to, which puts Him out. i can't cum without the command, but that's not enough.
It scares the shit out of me that He could go ten years without telling me. It scares the shit out of me that He owns me so completely, that i would still be His to do with as He pleased, even if He left me. It scares the shit out of me when i can't go down...

i was thinking, and yes, that almost always gets me into trouble lol, that i would like to do a really intense interrogation scene. i want to feel how deeply He owns me. Not just the fear that seems to accompany knowing that, no matter what, He will always own me. Maybe that doesn't make sense...i suppose it's possible impact on my mental state is questionable, but there's nothing like the feeling of extreme forced honesty. Being completely open and having your mind layed bare in front of the one who's opinion matters more than anything in the world.

Ummmm, okay, so my titles have been shit lately...

The past is the past for a reason. What's done is done and we either hold on to the memories with fondness, or work through the issues over time. In the past, i have been bad. Not the kind of bad that garners and inviting eyebrow and a smack on the ass either. The kind of bad that has the potential to ruin relationships and leaves both parties with emotional scarring. Being called a whore not only turns me on, it's a fitting description of who i am at heart and who i used to be.

Last night while we were making dinner, M told me about something He did over ten years ago. Then He continued making dinner as if He had pointed out that the beans needed more salt. To claim that i hadn't done worse would be hypocritical at best. It blew me away though. In part because of the guilt i have carried all this time, but mostly because He kept it to Himself for more than ten years. i have poured out my heart and confessed my sins. If there's anything left untold, it's because i buried it deep enough to forget it myself. it scared me that He could keep something like that from me for so long and think nothing of it. In all fairness, the timeframe was not during my best behavior...but it was before i cheated on Him, before i had a clue what life really was. He allowed me drown in my guilt all these years, thinking i was the only one who had ever been untrue. Turns out, He's just better at keeping secrets. He pointed out that i had told Him to go fuck someone else repeatedly--i couldn't handle intimacy, i hated sex, i was 15, and i didn't understand love in the slightest. All these years i really thought He'd never, or hadn't, done it.
She was everything i am not. Always ready for sex, multi-orgasmic, could cum on verbal command alone, small stature...Luckily for me, M didn't want a mindless doormat and is willing to work with me on the other stuff (well, i'm never gonna loose 6" of height, i hope, lol). i have really been working on ditching the emotion of jealousy lately. i thought i was doing pretty good too. i realize that if i was more secure with myself and liked my body more, i wouldn't be as prone to being bothered by the things i lack that He finds attractive in other women. i called her a slut this morning...M grabbed me by my hair, bent my head back, and announced firmly in my ear that, if He ever left me, i would be His slut on the side anytime He wanted. i felt like i was disintegrating because it's true. The unspoken words were that He owned her too. Regardless of whether He completely understood it at the time or not.

The past is the past for a reason. What's done is done. We either let it eat us forever or we learn from our mistakes, let ourselves become better people for it, and live today for itself.

i cannot judge the act, i have been more than my share of untrue in the past. He owns me completely, Heart, mind, body, and soul. It is something that i no longer have any control over. i am no longer capable of hiding anything from Him, past or present. in the present truth is all i see, from the past, if i have forgot and He asks i will remember and speak the truth. Being so owned scares the shit out of me. i never really understood before that He doesn't have to be truthful, He doesn't have to be forthcoming, He can and will do as He wishes with whomever H pleases...and i will never know unless He chooses to tell me.

Yesterday was rough

i had a rough day yesterday. Seemed like i just kept falling on my face on all fronts. First there was my encounter with the other sub. i felt like i disapointed M in my handling of it. We talked this morning though and M pointed out that she had inquired about the position, so if i scared her off with a little fantasy, and she has other things going on at home, i didn't really fuck anything up.
i can't cum without my clit. Never have. i also don't squirt or have multiple orgasms (three's a record for me). All things M wants me to achieve and started working on last night. With the plan of eventually working on me cumming on command without physical stimulation. i do cum on command now, it's nearly impossible for me to cum without the command, but i'm light years away from even being able to without stimulating my clit so i dunno if i'll ever get there. Anyways, i failed miserably last night. He was really sweet about it. He told me it wasn't my place to judge failure or success and that all He cares about is that i did my best. He doesn't expect these things to happen overnight. Still, i felt like one long string of letdowns.
On a different note, how hard can it be to find a sub who wants to play with an attractive Dominant who is good at what He does?? i mean, really! Maybe it's me...