I read something on fetlife ages ago and it's been floating around in my mind ever since. It was written by a slave who asserted that it was okay to be a mindless doormat. She swore she was happy. But she sounded so sad. So broken. So...lonely. She was outside of the circle of submissives and slaves who see themselves as strong individuals. She did everything for her Master (who seemed to not be impeded by any physical disability), from providing for him and his children, to changing the oil in his car. Her world was at odds with everything I see my submissive world to be. I understand that there is a difference between submissive and slave. Yet the two states of being share some undeniable similarities. And I wondered if she was truly happy. Or if she just told herself she was because of the life she had? She sounded like a broken woman who lacked the ability to ever put herself back together.
Which brings me to the concept of "breaking" a submissive. Why would you want a broken person, let alone to be the person breaking them? Bent, yes. Really bent, sure I'm down. But broken, no. Tyvm. Alpha has compared the concept of bending a sub to growing a plant (yes, all these lovely comparisons. Last month I was a beneficial parasite, now I'm a plant. Am I moving up or down the food chain?). If you bend a stem or branch just enough but not to much, it grows in the direction you want. It cracks just a little at that point and rebuilds it's own matter. The branch is likely to never break at that exact point once it heals. It becomes stronger and is more likely to survive.
Why does the concept of "breaking" seem to be so popular?
P.S If anyone has any ideas as to why the stupid little "recent comments" gadget on my page is all jacked up, please let me know lol.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Switching modes
Looking back over my blog, I realized something--I think and express primarily in emotion and feeling. Maybe part of it is that physical events can be difficult for me to recount because my brain gets all fuzzy and shit. Maybe it's because I'm an emotional person who gets to swept up in feeling. Or maybe I just think to much.
While I was browsing through blogs last night, I found a post that talked about something that has been on my mind a lot lately (normally I do get off my lazy ass and make a link when I don't have a blog listed here, but for some reason it's not showing on my dashboard and I can't figure out how to get back to it 'cuz I'm savvy like that). Switching from work mode to submissive mode. I know that this is an experience some subs don't have an issue with. Maybe that's because they are able to see themselves as submissive to their Dominants even when they are functioning in a different role and that's enough to keep them on track. I really don't know. I on the other hand, being multi-talented in my fucked-upness, have a very difficult time switching back and forth between running the show (or being the top bitch on the ladder as the case may be), and handing over control when I walk back in the door. Getting back in my place as the case may be. The post I read suggested having a routine, something that establishes your submission as soon as you walk back in the door. Things like that are a bit difficult when you have two kids roaming the halls but it seems like a nice idea.
Of course, there's that little issue of me actually liking being at the top of the bitch ladder. And sometimes, I just damn well don't want to do as I'm told. It might be nice to be one of those subs who isn't always over thinking, someone who always feel submissive; to not feel the need to question and stand on the line just to see exactly where it is. But I guess that's just not who I am I and I doubt it ever will be. But I would like the ability to drop all that outside shit and just be His when I walk back through the door. No struggle to go back to where I belong.
While I was browsing through blogs last night, I found a post that talked about something that has been on my mind a lot lately (normally I do get off my lazy ass and make a link when I don't have a blog listed here, but for some reason it's not showing on my dashboard and I can't figure out how to get back to it 'cuz I'm savvy like that). Switching from work mode to submissive mode. I know that this is an experience some subs don't have an issue with. Maybe that's because they are able to see themselves as submissive to their Dominants even when they are functioning in a different role and that's enough to keep them on track. I really don't know. I on the other hand, being multi-talented in my fucked-upness, have a very difficult time switching back and forth between running the show (or being the top bitch on the ladder as the case may be), and handing over control when I walk back in the door. Getting back in my place as the case may be. The post I read suggested having a routine, something that establishes your submission as soon as you walk back in the door. Things like that are a bit difficult when you have two kids roaming the halls but it seems like a nice idea.
Of course, there's that little issue of me actually liking being at the top of the bitch ladder. And sometimes, I just damn well don't want to do as I'm told. It might be nice to be one of those subs who isn't always over thinking, someone who always feel submissive; to not feel the need to question and stand on the line just to see exactly where it is. But I guess that's just not who I am I and I doubt it ever will be. But I would like the ability to drop all that outside shit and just be His when I walk back through the door. No struggle to go back to where I belong.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Lol
Lol, so the pretty little box does work. Ooh, a pro/con list for my special spammer. Not a bad idea sfp. And your other point, well it just makes the pretty little box seem completely redundant lol. The funny thing is, my computer was freezing as I was c/p their statement/question(?) so I missed part of it.
And to the other (anonymous?), ummm, I dunno, didn't put that much thought into it. That whole, think before you speak and look before you leap bit--still working on that lol.
I have figured out the exact purpose and use of the pretty little box: to make the account owner ASK questions, not answer. It all makes sense now. Lmao.
And to the other (anonymous?), ummm, I dunno, didn't put that much thought into it. That whole, think before you speak and look before you leap bit--still working on that lol.
I have figured out the exact purpose and use of the pretty little box: to make the account owner ASK questions, not answer. It all makes sense now. Lmao.
Formspring...?
Okay, so I have this pretty little Formspring box on my blog. No one Ever uses it. And I do mean ever. Not one single question. I was actually thinking of removing it. But it's pretty and well, someone might use it some day right? This morning I have an email saying someone asked me a question so I'm all, "Ooh, Formspring question, this might be fun!" It's not a question so I don't have an answer...
Umm...Good luck?
Is there such a thing as Formspring spam? Maybe the pretty little box is not functioning correctly.
"I seek to become a perma sub/slave"
Umm...Good luck?
Is there such a thing as Formspring spam? Maybe the pretty little box is not functioning correctly.
The squashed revolution and viewing myself as property
Before I start climbing the bitch ladder lol, I would like to say something about respect--It's a necessary component of any relationship. And I respect Alpha more than any other human being on the face of this planet. I don't know if that means more or less given that the list of people I actually respect is very short...Anyways, back to that ladder.
I didn't want to. I was tired, my back hurt, I was feeling sluggish and cranky. I Really didn't want to. So I decided to stage my own personal little revolution in a completely diplomatic and respectful manner. Translation: "I don't want to." Alpha shot a raised eyebrow in my direction. The kind that is inviting me to dig myself in deeper and if I'm wise I'll shut up right there. I was not feeling wise. "I don't want to and I will not!" Predictably, there came the hand around my throat depriving me of oxygen and offering a very good excuse to shut the fuck up. "Fuck you! I don't want to do this anymore!" I wheezed offering Him the universal symbol of love with both hands. His grip tightened. Then He let go giving me something that was a mix between a derisive snort and an all-out laugh. We both know if He said "okay, you are no longer owned and we are not doing this anymore," that I would shit (figuratively) and come crawling back begging (literally) to be owned and Dominated once again.
When we made it to bed, I still damn well didn't want to. "Do you know what time it is?" He gave me that infuriating grin. "Yes I do, it's time for you to service the account" translation--you're going to suck my dick. I glared at Him and bit and bitched. I was never going to get any of my beloved sleep if I kept the revolution alive so I let it die. And I sucked. And fucked. At some point (see, the haziness is kicking in), I admitted that I have a hard time viewing myself as property. He has this thing where He makes me look Him in the eye while we are having sex. Particularly if we are having a discussion (usually with only one side making sense. And it's not me). He used my hair like a handle and turned my head making me look straight in His eyes. It's almost mentally painful because His look becomes so intense it's difficult not to just squeeze my eyes shut. But even if I do, I can still feel Him looking...Back on point, His reply was immediate "why should you have a hard time viewing yourself as My property, can anyone else do the things I do to you, could anyone else make you shit and piss the bed before you get out of bed in the morning if they wanted to [at this point it's almost a threat, my only consolation is that I know He gets off on controlling my bodily fluids and scat's not a big area of interest], I could make you piss yourself right now if I wanted to." Point taken.
Which leads me to something that I have been thinking about ever since I got in trouble for not eating dinner--taking care of me and viewing myself as property. I try my best to take care of anything and anyone I perceive as being His. From His health and house, to His employees and small possessions. But not myself...To the extent that He has made rules about basic things from brushing my teeth and eating properly to making me get and keep appointments with chiropractors and dentists. If I take a step outside my personal perception, it seems a bit ridiculous--I mean, how sad is it, as a full grown woman, to need rules surrounding basic care of myself?
So I would like to work on that more. Viewing myself as His property. How I care for myself being a good reflection on Him. And I wonder why, since I am so obviously happily and unavoidably owned, is it so difficult for me to perceive myself as property?
I didn't want to. I was tired, my back hurt, I was feeling sluggish and cranky. I Really didn't want to. So I decided to stage my own personal little revolution in a completely diplomatic and respectful manner. Translation: "I don't want to." Alpha shot a raised eyebrow in my direction. The kind that is inviting me to dig myself in deeper and if I'm wise I'll shut up right there. I was not feeling wise. "I don't want to and I will not!" Predictably, there came the hand around my throat depriving me of oxygen and offering a very good excuse to shut the fuck up. "Fuck you! I don't want to do this anymore!" I wheezed offering Him the universal symbol of love with both hands. His grip tightened. Then He let go giving me something that was a mix between a derisive snort and an all-out laugh. We both know if He said "okay, you are no longer owned and we are not doing this anymore," that I would shit (figuratively) and come crawling back begging (literally) to be owned and Dominated once again.
When we made it to bed, I still damn well didn't want to. "Do you know what time it is?" He gave me that infuriating grin. "Yes I do, it's time for you to service the account" translation--you're going to suck my dick. I glared at Him and bit and bitched. I was never going to get any of my beloved sleep if I kept the revolution alive so I let it die. And I sucked. And fucked. At some point (see, the haziness is kicking in), I admitted that I have a hard time viewing myself as property. He has this thing where He makes me look Him in the eye while we are having sex. Particularly if we are having a discussion (usually with only one side making sense. And it's not me). He used my hair like a handle and turned my head making me look straight in His eyes. It's almost mentally painful because His look becomes so intense it's difficult not to just squeeze my eyes shut. But even if I do, I can still feel Him looking...Back on point, His reply was immediate "why should you have a hard time viewing yourself as My property, can anyone else do the things I do to you, could anyone else make you shit and piss the bed before you get out of bed in the morning if they wanted to [at this point it's almost a threat, my only consolation is that I know He gets off on controlling my bodily fluids and scat's not a big area of interest], I could make you piss yourself right now if I wanted to." Point taken.
Which leads me to something that I have been thinking about ever since I got in trouble for not eating dinner--taking care of me and viewing myself as property. I try my best to take care of anything and anyone I perceive as being His. From His health and house, to His employees and small possessions. But not myself...To the extent that He has made rules about basic things from brushing my teeth and eating properly to making me get and keep appointments with chiropractors and dentists. If I take a step outside my personal perception, it seems a bit ridiculous--I mean, how sad is it, as a full grown woman, to need rules surrounding basic care of myself?
So I would like to work on that more. Viewing myself as His property. How I care for myself being a good reflection on Him. And I wonder why, since I am so obviously happily and unavoidably owned, is it so difficult for me to perceive myself as property?
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Angst
I had one of those days at work where I had a pile of irritating passive aggressive sticky notes to direct my day (seriously, I used to think that post-its were cool, now I now they were invented purely for evil purposes). On my way home I drank an excessive amount of gas station cappuccino tempered with half and half. Ugh. It made me feel like I had eaten a stick of butter. When I got home, Alpha was passed out on the couch and the boys were watching a movie. Sent the big boy to bed. Waited for the little one to pass out. Woke Alpha up and stumbled to bed. That's when it all went downhill. On His way through the kitchen, He noticed that I had not eaten dinner. I feel compelled to point out that He was exceptionally graceless and rude about it. And me, for once, being sweet and apologetic which was greeted with a plethora of "whatevers" from Him. He was pissed. I got (silently) pissed. He went to sleep deliberately insuring that no part of Him was touching me at all. Oh good times for all.
This morning I got a short, much less cranky, reading of the riot act for not eating. I'm in trouble. And getting kicked out of the "bubble" is so much worse than any other form of punishment. In the end, I know It's just one of His ways of looking out for me. And I suck at taking care of myself which was going to be a big part of a much less angsty post for today but it will have to wait until Saturday.
This morning I got a short, much less cranky, reading of the riot act for not eating. I'm in trouble. And getting kicked out of the "bubble" is so much worse than any other form of punishment. In the end, I know It's just one of His ways of looking out for me. And I suck at taking care of myself which was going to be a big part of a much less angsty post for today but it will have to wait until Saturday.
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