Random...

I'm home for the first time all week. Now I have to get ready to go again lol. In theory, being a soccer mom sounds pretty easy, in practice...lol.
I'm a bit excited...because I found a job I want...It's closer to home, there's no pharmaceutical drugs involved, and it sounds like just what I have been looking for. I'm trying not to get to excited because I haven't even got to interview yet and competition for jobs is pretty steep around here...but it's well worth a try.

On a completely different front, I have developed the oddest craving lol. I've been having so many ridiculous problems with my tonsils and various lymph nodes in my neck, that it's been over a month since Alpha's grabbed me by the throat. Which is actually really considerate...The thing is...I miss it terribly. Kind of liking pregnancy cravings, just, um, "choke me please" cravings lol.

Anyways, I feel like a roaming nomad this week lol, so keeping in the current spirit of things, I've got to get my shit together to go...again.

Feeding masochism

I used to believe that I was a masochist. Now, I think that He has beaten it out of me lol.

I have noticed something interesting though, I can, to a certain extent, get off on pain. But, getting off on pain itself is not quite the same as getting off on Alpha enjoying my pain. At first, I think it was difficult for Him to reconcile causing me pain and liking it, with the love He has for me and His desire to see me free from suffering (though, interestingly enough, these days He only has a problem with my suffering if it is caused by someone or something else. That's sweet...I think...). And then? I liked it and I wanted more. Until He discovered He liked giving it and there was never any need to wish for more. Ahem.

I have observed several things about physical pain--add words to it and it becomes much more bearable, more like a high than anything else, and He only gets off on my enjoyment of it, which in turns increases the pleasure I get from pain. Of course, while He doesn't get off on punishing me, He does take an incredibly perverse enjoyment from putting me back in my place. Sadistic bastard.
Anyways, the concept I have floating around in my head is really about His sadism feeding my masochism and vice versa.

I can be right on the edge, where it's really to much, I'm not able to get off on it anymore and I just want an end. Then, something will indicate to me that He's getting off on my suffering (fucked up sounding shit maybe lol, but anyhow...), and it makes me fly. Something about His enjoyment of it changes everything. It makes pain malleable and fluid, something that is as much pleasure as suffering. It leads to a vulnerability and surrender that goes beyond physical sensation to a mental level that is somewhat difficult to describe.

While control figures much more into our dynamic than sadomasochism does, it's still a fairly integral part of our play. To the extent that it's always there in some aspect or another.

When I think I'm done, He feeds my masochism with His enjoyment of my pain. My masochism feeds His sadistic tendencies and it becomes one of those rare full circle events.
Which is nice because it's not the same experience if He's not truly enjoying it, and apparently, the pleasure/pain continuum leads to some very attractive reactions and sounds on my part lol.

The last freakin straw...again....and...again...and again

 I'll be staying with my mom for the rest of the week because my car took a shit again. I have a post set to auto post tomorrow. Maybe it will work lol. There's a dark cloud for every silver lining. And since I'm concentrating on the cloud right now, I think it would be a good time for a little peek at the silver lining--I'll get to do another review. It might be of a benign nice little thing since I had to pick a couple of options. But what did I swear up and down was my all out favorite option? A cute little item that is far from benign and has me thinking that I'm a bit of an idiot because, after all, I am a masochistic wuss. Lol.
Now for that dark cloud...

I tend to be rather proud of the fact that I don't give up. Sure, I bitch and worry, I do my share of complaining, and yes, sometimes I whine; though I find it an unattractive trait so I try to avoid it lol. But I don't give up. I buckle down and do what needs to be done.

I really want rather badly to give up. Say that I just "can't" anymore and fade on out. Because sometimes it's all too much. My little pile of straw has become a mountain and the last straw keeps falling...over...and....over again.

Last night we had sex for what seems like the first time in ages. I promptly dissolved into a teary eyed puddle of mush afterward. When Alpha asked me what was wrong, I told Him I just couldn't do it anymore. He asked what I couldn't do anymore and what exactly I thought the alternative was to hanging in there and informed me that giving up just wasn't an option. My answer was life. It's just a bit too fucking much ya' know? And the alternative, well, fuck me--I guess there isn't one. I ain't jumping off a bridge or some shit lol. That's for the weak and pathetic. And while I may occasionally feel that way, I refuse to be it. Because that's not who I am.
While we were talking, He raised an eyebrow at me and said that it's a bit of a blow to the ego--to fuck someone and have the result be tears. I think He was trying for a touch of levity. Because He knows me, and He knows that a bit of humor and a verbal challenge regarding my abilities is generally enough to make me scrape my shit back together and truck on. But this time? I just wanted to give up. Even if for only an hour.

Part of me knows it's not fair. Because the sky keeps falling on His head too. And He's stood by my side and watched the last straw drop over and over again. The other part of me? Wants to simply say, I can't do this anymore and give up. And I wonder, when exactly did giving up become something that wasn't an option?

Because it sure sounds damn good some days lol.

Sympathy is not needed. Cynical, humorous, and somewhat smarmy comments are welcome.

Lol.

Eden Fantasys review: G-spot tickler

So we got a review offer from Eden Fantasys a while back. I was delighted and then the shit promptly hit the fan. So I have had the product for a while even though I intended to do the review right away. Anyways, here it is.

Alpha seems to think that the easy way is overrated so instead of picking some implement that causes physical pain, He chose a nice painless little product that was going to be much harder for me to write about than an implement of destruction would have been lol. For anyone who is not already familiar with them, Eden Fantasys sells a nice variety of adult toys from the kinky to good ol' vibrators.

As you have no doubt guessed, the product chosen was the G-spot tickler.

G-spot tickler - G-spot vibrator

        

It was a bit of a risky choice because my body likes to react in a somewhat nasty way to synthetic products ranging from lube to condoms; however, I didn't have a problem with this one. It's a jelly toy, so it's soft and a lot smaller than it looks (hmmm, perhaps I shouldn't complain that He picked a pain-free product?). My all out favorite thing about it is the way it rubs on your clit. Since I can't cum without clitoral stimulation, I thought it was a rather brilliant design. 
Alpha liked that it can be controlled by remote, so He could adjust the speed (being able to adjust the speed is great) without actually having to change His position or reach around to grab the vibrator itself. He said that the cord was a bit cumbersome, but personally, I didn't notice it at all lol.
I felt that it was perhaps a bit small (a whopping 3" actually goes inside you), but that gives it a really nice perk: it's absolutely freaking awesome to use during anal sex. You get the vibration, clitoral stimulation that makes you hand seem like a cave-man method, and it's not so big that it makes you feel like you're being split in two by having both holes filled at once.

Another thing that I really liked about this product is that it's easy to clean--you can pull the vibrating egg right out of the rubber and completely submerge the jelly part in soapy water. Since it's not silicone, it can't be boiled, but that also means that if you are allergic or otherwise reactive to silicone products, it's not going to burn like a bitch and create other unpleasant sensations. And I'm not sharing my toys anyways lol, so soapy water is just fine.

My one concern before receiving the vibrator in the mail, was that no one wants to pick up a package with "sex toys" plastered all over it (especially in a tiny town where your post mistress knows every box-holder by name lol). The packaging was wonderfully innocuous. It might as well have been a scarf from someone's grandma as far as you could tell from looking at it.

Over all, this vibrator is a nice little addition to the toy box And like I said, I thought it was pretty phenomenal as an addition to anal sex so I'm quite happy with it.

Repression

If ttwd has taught me anything, it's that repression rarely has a good outcome. Not in the sense of being controlled by another--that's not repression when you have a healthy relationship, that's D/s lol.
Just repression of who you are and things you do. Circumstances have largely dictated our actions lately, and it's been rather a downer for us both. Alpha spends most of His time with the kids, I spend most of my time at work, we meet somewhere in the middle, and we never seem to go anywhere or do anything. Babysitting is an issue since I can't justify having a night or day to do whatever we want by leaving the kids with my sil--due to the volatile and unhealthy state of her current relationship.
I can't honestly remember the last time I dressed up (or under as the case may be, ahem) and went somewhere with just Alpha. I have a pretty nice figure, and honestly, I miss occasionally showcasing it lol. For work I cover up as much skin as possible and I come home tired, irritable, completely non-sexual, and covered with filth from someone else's house.

I miss...feeling sexy. And I think that impacts my sex drive, how I view submission, and my overall outlook about myself and life in general.

I want a pack of good razors that doesn't leave me covered in bumps. I want a day and night out with just Alpha. I want to, just for that time, be irresponsible and enjoy being myself. Alpha needs it too. I can see it in His overall outlook about life--He's usually upbeat and optimistic but these days He's trying to steal the cynical and slightly depressed corner which I have been able to successfully own for our entire relationship (hey, I did say that I liked being good at what I do lol).

Mmmm, this post is sounding a bit whiny, which was not the intent. And since I'm not a big fan of whining (bitching is at least somewhat respectable lol), I'll change my tangent a bit.

Back to repression.

Repression leads to unhealthy explosions. It's like a fire that has caught but been damped down--as soon as you open the damper, the whole thing goes up in flames. Whether it be sexual desires, things we want to do in life (short of the whole leg breaking bit, but repressing that Does tend to make one a bit angsty), things we wished we had said, roads not taken, etc.
Just because you lock something down, does not mean that it goes away. It's kind of like an infection (yes, this is going to be a super pleasant analogy lol), it doesn't just go away on it's own. It festers and eventually has to come to the surface or it poisons you from the inside out (I'm pretty sure I'm not whining anymore. Dark musings maybe?).

We are undoubtedly the responsible ones in our family. And you know what? I am so tired of being responsible that it's beyond ridiculous. Alpha is too. And it leads to little shit that fucks up big shit.

Speaking of repression, Alpha's birthday is coming up in the next few months, and I never did find a girl. I don't want Him repressing His desires any more than I wish to repress mine. So maybe this year, He'll find Himself one...And one way or another, I'll probably have enough blog fodder to last me for a month lol.

The long and short of it is: repression is unhealthy and something has got to give sometime.

Love is not always kind

I owe Eden Fantasys a review, but given my body's recent ridiculous aptitude for issues, that post will have to wait. So my readers will be subjected to more of my random ramblings.

I watched "The Secretary" last night, and while I was not terribly impressed with the movie itself, there was a line in it that got me to thinking (I know, it's a horribly dangerous pastime that I just haven't been able to give up). Ok, ahem, I'll have to paraphrase because, while the sentence did strike me, it was late at night and I had other things on my mind like the recent demise of the pricey and newly replaced parts on my car.
Anyways, this particular line was something to the effect of "who says that love has to be kind and gentle?"

It's a good question. Because one of the incredible things about love, is that it it takes many forms and can encompass so many other emotions. Sure, love can, and at times should be, kind and gentle. But overall, as an experience? No. Love does not always have to be soft. In fact, to confine it into such a simplistic and single-minded state, removes many of the possibilities love offers.

Love can be tender and gentle. It can also be savage and primal, without restrictions and thought. It offers a wider spectrum of experience than any other emotion--fulfillment, need, tenderness, pain, joy, sadness, companionship, loneliness, the list goes on.

In my experience, love can be a savage state of being. A place where reason often loses much of it's meaning and we are left with only the bare bones of human need and desire. Does love have to be either harsh or gentle all of the time? No, because it inherently contains both ends of the spectrum.For me, I find a mixture of both to be a fulfilling and wonderful state of being.

I do like my love a bit brutal. Not necessarily on the physical level (though hey, I'm not often complaining there), but in the sense of it being raw and unfiltered. It's not always pretty, but it has it's own kind of truth which is, in and of itself, a spectacular experience. There is purity to the pain that comes with love, both physical and mental/emotional. It takes some type of effort for love to be soft and kind (effort that is necessary and important at times), but love in it's raw and primal form is requires no filtering or effort--it just...is.

It's true you know--while there is a time and place for everything, love does not always have to be kind and gentle.

Here and now

I have a hard time just living in the moment. You know, not dwelling on yesterday or planning for tomorrow...just being in Now. One of the things I love about BDSM and Dominance and submission in general, is that it helps me get into that place where there is no past, no future, just the moment.

I got the call at work about halfway through my day. It was my sil crying and blathering on unintelligibly. Having only five minutes on my phone, with my first thought being "she's in the hospital or something has happened to the baby," I was rather insistent on being told what was wrong without a great amount of preamble. Turns out, it had nothing to do with her or the little one...
We haven't had any kind of death for over a week (a whole week, I know). One of Alpha's childhood friends had died. I went back to work--I'm not a cold hearted bitch, I'm practical and becoming a bit too familiar with death. Life among the living can be a bitch but kids still need to eat.
I did go home a bit early. And Alpha was down and a bit lonely because well, we have lost a lot of people over the last year. It's no small part of what gives life value though--The inevitability of death.

Here it is common to celebrate the day of the dead with colorful altars, pictures of loved ones who have passed on, and places set with food for them. On my way home, I was thinking--their food will have to go on a separate table this year, they are going to crowd out the living.

There's a lesson here (always is. Usually one that will build character in some way, so it's sure to be unpleasant lol). The lesson for those of us who remain? Live in the moment. Spend to much time dwelling on the sorrows of yesterday and the plans for tomorrow, and one day we will realize that we spent our whole lives without really living.

We learn from the past. It is good to plan for the future. But life? Life is here and now. In this moment. And that is all we are promised.

And that is one of the things I love about D/s--In those random moments when Alpha stops me short, grabs me by the hair, and forces me to my knees, there is only Him and me. There is only that moment. Nothing else. Because regardless of how many places are set for the dead, we are here now. Not tomorrow, not yesterday, right now.