Temporary insanity

This morning, during a moment of temporary insanity, I told Alpha that I needed to be beaten.

Quickly followed by a loud and honest proclamation that I didn't actually Want it.

He chuckled (somewhat smugly I might add), and said "but you need it."

What was I gonna do, turn around and lie about it? I settled for a disgruntled snort and speedy movement towards a room with children in it.

And Gods know, I do need it; however, the moment He starts really laying into me, I'm gonna have loud-mouther's remorse lol.

See, this is what happens when one partner wages a losing battle with the garden while the other works 80 hours a week.

Non-Verbal Communication

I gotta say, non- verbal communication is the shit. I absolutely love it. If Alpha hadn't been so tired last night, He would have never let me get away with it. He would have made me say what I wanted. Exactly what I wanted--in the most blunt and crude manner possible. But He was technically asleep...And let me get away with non-verbal communication lol.

Beyond that though, I still adore communication without words. While there's a lot of talk about the importance of communication in relationships (and it is truly necessary), all that talk revolves around the words we say out loud to each other.

Not the unspoken desires.

The silent cues.

A quiet indrawn breath. 

A thought echoing off the walls of one's mind.

Words screamed silently in one's head.

And I get in trouble sometimes. Because Alpha says He's not psychic (Pfbt, uh huh, that's why He can "hear" me roll my eyes from a room away).
 He wants me to use words--partly because there can be no doubt as to the meaning, and partly because I hate it so. Saying things out loud... Admitting things to Him that I would rather not even admit to myself...Well that's just asking for it isn't it?

He may not be psychic...But He's got bat radar and that's good enough for me.
Now if He would just get with the program and agree that words are overrated...

Asking for it--With words?!

I find myself in a very odd place tonight. Yes, I'm in my living room...But the thing is...I'm needy. Yes, I know I'm probably always needy in one way or another lol.

But not this way.

Alpha's been working constantly. And He's asleep as soon as He's done with dinner. And He's sick. Last week I was sick. This means no one's been getting any action around here.

The thing is, the less sex we have? The less I want it. Well, there's a happy medium there because my body and I have these disagreements sometimes. It will betray me in numerous ways--My mind says "more pleeaase!" (yes, I have been known to speak in tongues). Or conversely, it will tell Him that something I am desperately begging Him to stop doing is turning me on to no end.

So we have this off and on relationship, my body and I.
I'm used to the betrayals...Just not the kind where I want to crawl in bed and beg to be used. Could I crawl in bed right now and say "please fuck me in the ass Master"? I could...But I can't. Writing it is painful enough, like nails on the crazy little chalkboard in my head.


And I wonder why it's so difficult for me to say and type those words. Perhaps it strikes me as crude and I enjoy subtlety. Or perhaps it's to honest and blatant.

Either way, I could crawl into bed and beg for it. I might even get it. But chances are? I won't try.

The thing is, no matter what it is, I hardly ever ask for it. My body asks, my mind asks, and usually He hears me anyways. But whether it's pain or pleasure or anything in between. I never open my mouth and ask.  
Maybe it has something to do with the fact that if I ask for it, I can't deny I wanted it and pretend it's all His desires that got me there in that moment.

Overall? I'm not used to wanting something I spent years trying to avoid. And I have a very hard time admitting what I want by using those pesky things we humans communicate with called words.

Kink Free Sex

I realized something last night--sex without kink doesn't turn me on. At all. I know, huge newsflash right. But it kind of was to me (always the last to know, what can I say). I mean, I know kink turns me on. Obviously. But I hadn't quite realized the extent to which I find it necessary in order to be turned on at all.

My genius realization came while watching some stupid skin flick on TV. You know, the "weally weally wannabe porn, but acting is even worse and sex is obviously fake" kind of show.
And I found it...mildly irritating. And for no real reason besides the fact that there was no kink whatsoever. Well, it was corny as all hell too, but I could have tolerated that on it's own.

And for a minute I wondered, is there something a little bit wrong with me? I mean, watching people fuck is supposed to turn some kind of sex cogs in a person's brain right? Okay, so I wondered for more than a minute--probably still am lol.

The thing is, sex without kink not only doesn't turn me on--it actively turns me off. Isn't that just a little bit wrong?

I knew how much kink turns me on. I just never actually realized how much a lack of it turns me off...

Some (Mostly) Useless Completely Vanilla Facts

~Two trash bags full of spinach will reduce to approximately seven pints after blanching.
Fuckin hell!

~Green tomatoes take two weeks to ripen off the vine.
The boxes are taking over.

~I need a recipe for fried green tomatoes.
Any givers?

~Three rather large zucchini will make four loaves of zucchini bread after processing for freezing.
I will be happy in January, I will be happy in January, I will be happy in January.

~Lavender vanilla Febreeze sprayed in excess will make your food taste funny.
Yuck.

~Baby lettuce must be watered once a day.
Why did He plant so many fucking rows of it?!

~This garden is kicking my ass.
It's winning. I wanna tap out!

~I gave my mother in law my gas money for tomorrow so she would go away.
Anyone wanna kill me now? Please?

~I don't like vegetables any more dammit!
When I close my eyes I see spinach.

~My kids are being monsters.
Free to good home?

~I miss my Husband.
It's been a long month.

Safewords

I was reading a post over at Finding my Submission (listed on the left), and there was a bit of discussion/disagreement between the commenters regarding safewords. Since my thoughts all revolved around the comments, I came back home with my little soapbox lol.

One commenter said that she had never understood the use of a safeword, that having one means you don't trust your Dom, and if you have a safeword, you are actually the one in control.

I disagree completely.

 For one thing, I absolutely hate conversations where someone comes off as "more submissive than thou," as if the submission of one person has any more quality than than the submission of another. You see it pretty blatantly sometimes with people who don't have safewords and enjoy criticizing those who do.

Ironically,  I have read things over at Finding my Submission that would have had me screaming a safeword at the top of my lungs regardless of whether I had one or not lol. Yet she hasn't.

ttwd is about what works for the individual, it's not a "one size fits all" kind of thing.

Anyways, back on point.

It could just as easily be said that the sub is really the one in control in any D/s relationship because she has given consent for her consent to be taken away. If she does not submit, there is no Dominance.
Does saying that make me feel in control? Nope. Not in the least little bit lol. I could say it until I'm blue in the face and it won't make me anymore in charge than I was five minutes ago.

A safeword isn't something you spit out because you're tired of playing, or because a break would be nice. In fact, I think most subs are quite willing to go to extremes in an effort to avoid saying it.
There's also the little fact that sometimes we forget we have them, or using words at all is like trying to speak a foreign tongue one has never heard.

A safeword is not a tool to control your Dominant--it is a tool for Him to know absolutely that He needs to pause then and there to evaluate His sub's condition.

Does having a safeword make you better or worse than someone who doesn't have one? Does it mean you have more or less control than someone else? I don't think so.

After the first year or so of exploring ttwd, I asked Alpha for a safeword.
Because I felt like He was spending a lot of time holding back, that having it in place would give Him more freedom to do as He wanted without as much fear of damaging me.
I wanted to be able to scream "no, stop" until I couldn't breath and have Him ignore it completely.
And the safeword served its purpose well though I never used it.

A while back, Alpha suggested we get rid of my safeword. I hemmed and hawed and stumbled around the idea. He pointed out that were I really to need it, I probably wouldn't be able to open my mouth and make words come out anyways. I had to admit, He was right lol.
And really, when I'm so far under that I can't see straight, I'm not a good judge of what is to much for me and there were a couple of times I should have used it but I didn't. Times when He was relying on the fact that I would if I needed to instead of just relying on His own judgement.

So we got rid of the safeword.
But do I think they are a good idea? Yes. Like wearing shoes in a junkyard (ooh, I'm gonna hear about that one, "you compared our relationship to a junkyard?!" lol), it's just common sense.
Am I lacking common sense? Maybe. I also hate shoes though.

Safeword or no safeword, ttwd is about the individual and their needs. So in the end, it doesn't really matter as long as you're doing what's right for you and your partner.
Though if you don't have one? You had better be damn sure the person in charge actually gives a shit and knows you better than you could ever hope to know yourself.

Names

The kittens now have names--one begins with an s, the other with an m. You see where I'm going here...Also known privately as S&M.

Terrible way to pick a name isn't it lol.