Because I love you

I was teasing Alpha, asking about His (imaginary) escapades with other women when I wasn't around. "I wouldn't do that." He told me sincerely, "I would tie you up at the foot of the bed and make you watch. Because I love you."

Well then. There you have it. Who knew love was so simple? 

Consequences

Sometimes I think we are like magnets--When turned just a little bit wrong, they push away from each other as opposed to drawing each other closer.

My polarity has been all fucked up or something...And we aren't clashing, but we aren't drawn together like we should be.

Maybe all that much-needed leniency went to my head (just maybe. Ahem).

Regardless of the cause, I am not where I should be and haven't been for some time. So, brimming with brilliantly regrettable ideas, I suggested that Alpha tighten up the reins. He raised His eyebrows and pointed out that I didn't need new rules, I needed to follow the ones I have.
I didn't want new rules anyways! But ummm, yea I may have consistently forgotten a couple.

Consequences are going to be more severe and I am getting my shit together.

When I'm back here whining about the inhumanity of not being able to take a piss without permission, don't remind me that it's my own fault mkay?

Final score

Final score in the battle of lil versus vegetables:

24 pints salsa
25 quarts tomato sauce
14 quarts pickles
12 freezer bags grated zuchini
13 pints frozen spinach
15 meals frozen calabacitas
7 quarts dried tomatoes
18 pumpkins
16 acorn squash

Haha, I win!
We will be ignoring the four shoe boxes of tomatoes and several rows of spinach that didn't make the cut (lame pun intended).

Touch of Ownership

I love the touch that says "I own you." It can be sweet and gentle or harsh and painful.

But there is a possessiveness that runs through every moment of it.

There is no hesitation.

No thought of asking for permission.

When He touches my skin like it is merely an extension of His own.

And my mind stills.

There is an intimacy that doesn't come with other kinds of touch. A bare feeling of nakedness and vulnerability.

And in those moments, there is nothing besides the taking and yielding of self.
Simply us in that place where I am His and His alone.

Limbo

I was standing in the kitchen doing dishes when Alpha walked up and gave me that sincere look that just melts me and makes me weak in the knees. Cupping my face gently with His hands He looked me in the eye, and asked if I needed leniency or strictness (see, He fuddles my brain and I can't even remember exactly  what He says. That's my defense from now on).

He has been lenient since the accident. And I needed that.

What, for some reason, fuddled me up was that He asked. It's not that He never asks what I need--it's that there were two very different options. It wasn't open-ended and it's pretty clear that sitting here in limbo isn't going to work anymore. For either of us.

So I asked Him why He asked me (oh hush), and He gave me a smarmy answer ("why is the sky blue? It doesn't matter why"). I told Him the truth in a suitably chicken-shit way--I did need leniency.

It would be a lie to say that I don't know what direction we are going in from here.

But thankfully, it's out of limbo.

And hey, we were headed deeper into the abyss anyways right. Now is as good of a time as any.

Pain

I was musing to myself about pain last night. Specifically the different kinds and their effects.

Pain and the way we process it is an individual experience.

I once read something that said the difference between a pain slut and a masochist is that the pain slut wants pain because she gets off on it. The masochist needs pain but doesn't  want it as much. (I'm paraphrasing here. I would link to it if I could remember where the hell I read it. It was much more eloquently put and made a lot more sense).

Maybe I am a masochist after all...

Anyways, pain takes multiple forms and since it is such an individual experience, I believe those forms vary for everyone. And my love of categorization naturally led me to create the following list lol.

Growing pains--When events happen in life that make you feel emotional pain to your core but also present an opportunity for personal growth.

Bad pain--like burning yourself on the oven or smacking the side of your head on a sharp corner (was a great way to wake up this morning. They all seem to think I'm mean now).

Pleasurable pain--the kind that hurts but it's oh so fucking good because it makes you fly.

Cleansing pain--It's the kind I love to hate and it's also the pain I crave most. Ironic since I will go to great lengths to avoid it because this kind of pain isn't really enjoyable.
It's almost bad pain because it comes without pleasure. But the feeling afterwards is incredible.
Like a form of redemption, this is the pain that strips away all sins, crimes committed by and to oneself, and takes you to that place where everything external no longer matters.

Sometimes it is what it is...And sometimes hormones are not your friends

"I love that you think and question things baby. But no one can be everything all the time. And that's okay. It is what it is."

It is what it is.

And I think I need to work on the ability to accept that.

But this time? This time I think it's safe to say that hormones are not my friends. And it had actually occurred to me that I was feeling a bit PMSish. But I thought "no I still have more than a week left before the monthly hell hits!"

And my dear body replied. It said "fuck you bitch, back to a three week cycle. how do you like that!"
I don't like it. Not in the least little bit tyvm.
Ironically, it has taken me many years to recognize the signs--of how hormones are really shitty friends and they like to fuck with me.

But the concept of "it is what it is," is just so much more interesting. Because I have a hard time just accepting things. I can analyze something to death. Alpha says that isn't always necessary. And He's right.

I guess it is what it is. This time? It was hormones from hell lol.