Hmmm...

Ummm...For some reason I feel like I just have to post...Because it's my last chance this year and tomorrow just wouldn't be the same lol.

This year was hard...But so was last year lol.

And we're in a bit of a strange place right now. Not bad, just...Different perhaps. I have zero sex drive and have also been having some persistent problems with pain (why is pain inflicted by him such a different story?), so that hasn't helped much.
Alpha says I try too hard. Consistent theme lol.

Sil #1 is in some sort of trouble again (I have decided to call them thing1 and thing2 from now on). But what can I say? Not sure where we went wrong but can't live her life for her.

Alpha has improved his chess game considerably, which quite frankly, just sucks lol (poor loser. Ahem).

My father's birthday was in January. Is it strange to still celebrate someone's birthday when they're dead? We don't know any other way to deal with it I guess.

I have been feeling thoughtful yet...They are consistently unformed, refusing to take on a concrete shape that I can define and explain.

I have been desperately seeking approval. Perhaps because I feel my lack on interest in sex to be an acute, yet ironically somewhat chronic, failure on my part.
Once again, he tells me I try too hard. Sounds simple right?

We aren't going out this year, but I do have high hopes for a nice quiet evening once the kids are in bed. Oh yes, I'm a party animal lol.

All in all, this year was far better than last.

We shall see what the year ahead brings!

Is Randomness an Affliction? Cuz I Gots It...

I think it's fair to say that my mind has been a jumbled mess lately lol.

My car broke down. Again.

I am attempting to answer the age old question of, "is there such a thing as a medicaid dentist that does a good job?" I mean should it really be my job to point out every tooth that needs a filling, where that filling needs to be placed, and go back to try again because the dentist is older than God and forgot two fillings?
One of them once refused to treat my son because I wouldn't let them anesthetize him and cap all his teeth (the kid needed one cap and a couple of fillings for fucks sake).

Okay, I feel better now lol.

Underneath the jumbled mess that passes for my surface thoughts (think onions, you know, layers and layers, most likely leading to tears. Yep. That's me lol), I have been thinking about that feeling of craving. Just...Craving Alpha's presence.

We don't often spend nights apart these days, but I ended up having to stay in town because of the car (which incidentally made no sound or scary shaking when he arrived to drive it. Wtf is up with that?).
As I was trying to pass out on my moms couch with her cat staring balefully at me, I realized that, if I have to sleep without Alpha, I can't do it without thinking about him.

Being curled up to his back. The sound of his heartbeat. The touch of his skin.

And the cat's a prude who won't blink and keeps staring.

I think a few darker thoughts...But those won't help me sleep.

That cat's out for blood. I just know it...When I pass out she's gonna rip my throat out and present it to my mother as a sacrificial gift (sounds dramatic right. That cat's a psycho bitch, what can I say).

Think about the feeling of Alpha's hands sliding down my skin, his voice whispering desires and dreams in my ear.
The feeling of his eyes sliding across my skin, his hands in my hair, his thoughts caressing my mind...

Whatdya know, the cat didn't kill me in my sleep after all.

Love and Correction

I felt like crap. I had been apologetically pissy all day. I knew it, he knew it, and I was trying really hard to be nice.
He tucked me under a blanket on the couch, made me a lovely cup of tea, kissed my forehead, and informed me that, regarding our spat last week, he hates it when I get pissy over him giving other things attention.
That he could be wrong, but it feels like my attitude is topping from the bottom--I have a little temper tantrum to get my way like the kid (ouch). He informed me that it won't get me what I want, and he won't put up with it.

Love is awesome.

I don't think that I have ever felt so freakin bashful in my life.

Introspection is not always inspirational

Sometimes I feel like I have inspiration pouring out of my ears. Like I have more than I know what to do with, and it all pours out in a jumbled mess. Other times?  Not so much lol.
Sometimes I feel like I have all these little tiny whispers of inspiration floating around in my head. Just enough to make it noisy, but not quite enough to form coherent thoughts and get them out. And they stay there taking up space.
So you get sleep deprived, sugared-up, over-caffeinated (like that ones new lol), ramblings by a sub who now drinks her coffee out of a cup with a crown on it that says, "off with their heads!" And no, I haven't let it go to my head. Yet.

I try not to sensor myself for my readers. For me, doing so is kind of anti the point of blogging in the first place. There is one exception though, and one kind of post in particular that I shy away from--worries about Alpha. Because he reads every word I write.

I have been pushing away lately, and after reading this post over at "Finding Sarah" I realized that a great deal of my distancing is coming from my own worries, and our imminent return to the specialists Alpha saw this spring.
Looking at it objectively, I wonder what on earth my problem is (feel free to leave me a nice long list if you have nothing better to do with your morning lol). I have to assert my independence, raise my hackles, and try to growl him away. All because I'm worried about him. How back-asswards is that?

Under the harsh light of introspection (it's totally overrated), I know that were our positions reversed, I would be devastated. So I try to rein it in. I bury my worries until I can no longer figure out what my problem is. Until one day I'm wandering along and the truth smacks me upside the head.

Because I'm a shit when I worry. But I don't mean to be. Does that count for anything?

Reconnection

I read this post over at Rogue's Awakening last night. And I loved it. I think she's talking about a level of connection that many of us strive for. You know, when someone isn't just under your skin--they're in your mind, and that connection is so strong that it reaches through any obstacle.
Anyways, I thought her post was lovely because it showed how close two people can become.

Though usually it's the bad dreams we share isn't it? But it's not so much about the dreams as being on that wavelength together--whether we know it or not.

It's kind of like coming home you know. After the arguments and the distance, after the dreams and awakening, when that moment of reconnection occurs...It's a lovely thing.


After Alpha read my post yesterday, he accused me of being melodramatic. Who, me? Melodramatic?! Never!!
But I was thinking about it, and my posts don't usually show angst with him. They are most often written in retrospect--after the conflict when the sun shines once again. On one hand I don't really like saying things about him here that are...Critical? On the other hand, neither one of us shits rainbows and rides unicorns (a sentence shamelessly stolen from one of the most hilarious comments ever).

My blog is about my dreams, those perfect moments that I can capture in time with it. But it's also the nightmares that come with life and about the reality of being human. It's about us and the imperfections that make us perfect for each other.

To appreciate the exquisite moments of reconnection, we must first experience the distance that leads to those lovely instances.

Complaints Without Humor and The Rebelling Submissive

 I usually try to infuse my whining with humor...But I haven't had enough coffee for that today, so feel free to bounce on off and visit someone over on the right.

Winter is...Weird.

When I was a kid we celebrated the Pagan holidays and birthdays. Well, we celebrated Christmas and stuff to,  just not with the same gusto.

It's the winter solstice today. The second (3rd? Fuck, I'm going senile way before my time), anniversary of my aunts death. My grandfather (who I never made nice with), passed away two weeks after she died. In a few weeks from now, it would have been my father's 59th birthday.

And so winter has become kind of strange. But so is spring. And Summer. And Fall. lol.

Life is...Life. I have two new clients. Not many hours at all, but if they refer others I can keep my little project growing nicely.

My house looks like a tornado hit it. It's like this cardinal freakin rule--I clean for others and my house looks like cavemen had a party in it.

Our shower refuses to drain. Yea, not what you wanna see when you come home covered in other people's grime.

And of course, my chief complaint piled in the stack (I like to hide my real issues sometimes, what can I say), is that Alpha has been playing chess on the computer. Constantly. If he's not splitting wood, he's playing chess. It's not the kind of thing where you actually interact with the people around you if you are doing it. It takes complete attention. Yes, my keyword for the day is attention lol. I don't think he's come to bed with me once this week. I'm loosing my love for the game.
I try to repress my attention whore tendencies. Really I do. Care to hazard a guess at my level of success? Yea, I generously grade my self with an F. But the thing is, once I reach fail in this particular arena? I don't really care that I'm failing at it.

I feel like sometimes he gets irritated at my lack of submissiveness (yea, rituals are fine, but they're my Only inspiration these days). And I know that my submission shouldn't always be predetermined by his dominance. But it does help. I want to be the kind of sub that can go without any semblance of attention and still be happy to cater to his wants and submit at the drop of a hat...But I am not.

I guess the thing is...Feeling constantly ignored over a period of time with random moments where he wants me to submit...And I just damnwell don't want to. Super mature huh?

I need to clean my house. Then I'll call my dad's family.
My grandmother will cry because it's the anniversary of my aunt's death and I am simply a reminder of my father; my living aunt will bemoan my failure at sending pictures of the kids and ask when I'll be traveling across the country to see them; and my uncle will refuse to answer his phone because he's weak, and every interaction with me is a reminder that his brother is dead.

Then when I'm done I'll bucket out the damn tub and wash off the filth of other people's houses.
Aren't the holidays just grand?

On the bright side, since Alpha has been staying up all night, I haven't had to get up with the little one!

Rituals

So here's the thing about rituals--they are unique to your beliefs.

Church every Sunday is a ritual for some. For my dad it was talking to his garden with a cup of coffee in his hand every morning.
My most regular one happens to be not talking to anyone before the first cup of coffee. Snazzy huh.

A ritual is something we do regularly that holds some type of meaning for us. They can be spiritual, compulsive, simple, or intricate. They fulfill a purpose for us, even if it holds no value for anyone else. And they are most often about our minds--head space is everything. Prayer is thought, meditation stills the mind, morning coffee keeps me from insanity with migraines, etc.

I had brought up the idea of submissive rituals about a week ago (sans whips and broken glass. Obviously if my morning ritual is coffee, kneeling naked in the snow on the doorstep every day is not going to work out), and Alpha didn't seem to pay much thought to it at all.

He had expressed so little interest that I didn't think he was going to come up with one for me. And consequences for forgetting?!
Well then...Me and my bright ideas lol.

So I now have three rituals--do not speak to me before coffee, taking a minute several times a day to breathe and focus on submission, and the kicker which is really simple and probably wouldn't have nearly the same affect on someone else.

At least I can't accuse my husband of lacking imagination...

Placing his finger under my chin, he gently tilted my face up. Smiling down at me he said, "once a day you will walk up to me, grab my cock and say 'I submit to you because ______'."
I'm the only person in this relationship with issues surrounding crudeness lol.

He put thought into it dammit! For me, this hits so many different angles, it's not even funny.
It makes me do something I don't normally do so pft to comfort zone. It makes me think and focus...And it makes me use words!*&^%%$

Funny how the least complex of actions can be capable of having the most impact.