My Fortress

So I've got these walls, but their not just walls--more like a fortress with a moat and large vats of hot oil just waiting to be poured (ironically, they often seem to tip inwards, but that's another post...).

Occasionally Alpha ends up back out in the moat which is a bit like waving red in front of a raging bull.
That is generally when those pesky vats of burning liquid spill inwards.

But I had a little moment of realization today--maybe I don't actually need this castle anymore.

Walls exist to provide safety by keeping things out. I have no desire to keep Alpha out.
To a large extent, he protects me from the world. And he protects me from myself. Even when he has to swim across the moat and tear down my walls to put out the fires.

But that lonely little castle, it's not where I go for shelter, it's not where I lay my head or cry my tears. Inside is not where I share my dreams or conquer my fears. In fact, my real fortress looks a lot like this:

And it's lovely--because no one else can enter here. It's just him and me. But the outside world sees this:

He is my fortress, my shelter in the storms, the walls between myself and the big bad world outside. Here we spar, love, cry, and laugh. Safely tucked away from the eyes and reach of humanity.

So what happens if I simply accept the fact that he is my fortress and let my lonely walls crumble?

Blogger...

Blogger's being fuckered...And this post really just to see if it will stop being fuckered...

Quiet

Quiet is in short supply around here today. And therefor, so is my focus. I hadn't really thought about it much, outside of the context of literally not having a minute to myself (small children have boundary issues, what can I say lol).

Though right now, in this moment...There is a lovely quiet spread across my house. Punctuated only by breathing and the occasional snore.
I need these moments. I need time to muse where the only sounds are the thoughts in my head. Of course, it means getting up before the sun, which is easier said than done these days...But I think it's well worth it.

And time...The time to focus on us, on our exchange of power, what our relationship is today and what we hope it will become...

The quiet is a lovely place. It is not silent, neither is it loud. It is simply a space unlike any other--a space to muse and focus.
On us.
On submission.
On Dominance.
On who we are and will one day be.

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I went back to bed. And lovely things happened. Getting up before the sun? A very good idea indeed.

Fitting In and Doing it Wrong

I changed the comment format so hopefully there won't be any more issues with not being able to post comments. Sometimes I think that Blogger just likes messing with me...

I read this post by kytten, where she muses about the possibility that she doesn't fit in here. Then I read one by kaya, who says her Master and herself don't fit the M/s mold.

They got me to thinking--what is a M/s or a D/s relationship, what defines whether we are "doing it right" or not? Perhaps the solution is simple and we are all just doing it wrong lol.

So what is the typical D/s relationship? An omnipotent Master who never makes mistakes, doesn't fall in love, and never bows to anyone? A submissive who is always on her knees, never falls on her face, and lives her life chained to the bed wanting only to serve?

Truth be told, I have come to believe that the "typical" relationship is a fantasy. It's propagated across social boards, various websites, and in the minds of ourselves when we doubt our relationships or ourselves.

It's easy to compare and contrast, to see where we fall short and others soar above. But for the most part, we see only what we are allowed--we get the glimpses we are given. And not everyone wants to say they were up all night with puking kids, or their car broke down, or they had a knockdown dragout fight. Sometimes it's simply because they feel such things have no place on their blog or place of expression and that's completely understandable.
Other times I think it's because people don't like seeming less than perfect. As if the reality of life should not be seen because it is...Less than perfect. Less than fantasy.

Which leads me to a comment Jz once wrote, about the individuality of ttwd. She felt that the single biggest thing every beginner should know is that each relationship is unique, that ttwd is different for each person because it is an individual experience.

That's not something you see scattered across message boards or displayed prominently on websites. And I think that is perhaps a disservice to people who are just starting to explore the nature of ttwd.
There is a fantasy of the perfect Master. The perfect slave. And it's a fantasy outside of reality. A fantasy that we occasionally fall prey to believing, or we simply shake our heads and wander off to browse pastures that appear less green.

So what is ttwd?

It is a relationship entwined in the exchange of power. The rest is simply what we figure out along the way, how we grow together, and what works for us as individuals.

There are a million ways to do it wrong, but is there really any one "right" way where we all fit in perfectly? I doubt it.
There's simply the fantasy of such. Otherwise, we would all just be doing it wrong wouldn't we?

A Creature of Extremes?

Sometimes I think that I am at my best only during extremes.

Extreme pain, pleasure, joy, trauma, sadness...The moments of life's ultimate madness...In those instances I am often my best.

It's the afterwards and before that I fall flat. The mundane issues are the ones I struggle to accept.

Death, birth, junkies, accidents, all those things we hope don't spend too much time in our life?

Those dealings are the instances where I feel like I fulfill my potential.

Screaming children, bills, petty family arguments, broken stoves, those are the things that stop me up short.

Maybe that is one of the reasons I am so attracted to ttwd--that need for extremes and my inability to hold the middle ground? Because I do better swimming in the deep.

It's not that I don't enjoy the quiet times, those simple sweet little pleasures that life offers, the gentler moments of existence...Because I do. They soften the experience of being human and bring a depth of joy that is found only in the little things.

But I also thrive in blood, sweat, tears, and the kind of joys that light up a night sky.

When the darkness is deep enough to drown in and the light bright enough to blind, those seem to be my times.

Perhaps I am simply a creature of extremes.

Crazy I Tell You

It seems that the most interesting family conversations happen in the car or at grandma's these days...

Kid1: "she hit me!!!"
Babygirl: "he called me a bugger butt!!"
Kid2: "I wanna play too!!!!"
Alpha: "look, a pretty cloud!"
Kids: "oooohhh!"

Kid1: "She poked me in the eye Again!"
Babygirl, I didn't poke his eye out!"
Alpha: Don't poke him in the eye again! Remember how soandso was missing an eye?"
Babygirl: "But he didn't poke his eye out, he had an accident!"
Alpha to me, "put out or get out!"
Me, "drop me here please!"

And of course, from grandma's living room, kid2: "I have nuts, I have nuts, I have nuts!!!"
Unfortunately, he wasn't eating at the time...

Slow Learner?

We have had arguments during sex before.
The thing is, I can't really remember any of them. And I certainly don't remember dissolving into a ridiculously pathetic ball of tears and snot.

Alpha had plans for me. Then he decided they were happening on his schedule not mine. I blew things completely out of proportion may have blown things a bit out of proportion. And I deliberately kept my distance. I went to that lonely distant little place in my mind, refused to let myself fall into subspace, and just went away.

This is a nono second only to lying. I used to do it all the time. And he hates it. With a passion.

Ironically, while I was busy keeping my internal distance, he not only knew I had deliberately checked out, but that I was also actively trying to keep him out (it does occasionally happen without any deliberate attempts on my part).

I told him that sometimes I feel like he doesn't help me succeed. Believe it or not, that was the internally edited version. My brain said  "sets me up to fail". But even in my obstinance, I knew that wasn't really fair.

He withdrew (both literally and figuratively), and I...To my horror I burst into tears. Not those cute little sniffles some that pass for crying with some people, but a full on "the sky hath fallen" rain of misery.

At that point I was quite sorry, and absolutely appalled by my complete patheticness (it so should be a word). I was also still a bit annoyed by his apparent lack of consideration for my needs. Which at the time, I felt was most definitely sleep.
The irony of staying up and fighting because I think my sleep schedule is being interfered with, versus submitting gracefully are not lost on me here.

He was very put out and let me know as much in no uncertain terms. He turned the light off and told me to go to sleep.

We ended up in the kitchen talking. Well, for the most part he talked and I sobbed. Wtf is wrong with me?

Alpha pointed out that it's a difficult position for him to be in--when I expect his Dominance to come on my own terms.
I admitted that I felt his opinion was valid and told him that sometimes I feel like I need help to succeed and he doesn't give it. I told him that this was more of an underlying thing for me than anything that was really an issue in the moment, and I apologized for blowing things so far out of proportion.
He said he understood where I was coming from and said he realized that sometimes I do need his help to succeed at the things he wants from me.

I felt like I was in some horrible kind of subspace that was lonely and just...Off. Grey instead of color perhaps. It started as soon as hew withdrew from me. He held me and told me that's how he feels when we are together and I check out.
Honestly, I had never really thought about how it felt for him when we are together but I'm not all there. Perhaps I'm more selfish than I like to admit.

We ended up back in bed around midnight. He came back in, I checked back in, and we were on solid ground once again.

I wonder if  I'll ever get the hang of this whole submissive thing?
We've been at ttwd for around 5(?) years now and it really seems like the learning curve just rolls back in on itself sometimes.