Controlling the Whore

I swear, for as tiny as it is, everything around here happens in the kitchen.

I'm sitting there innocently sipping on the second cup of coffee (which I once again have to share as he has decreed I am no longer contagious. Damn), when out of the blue, he walks up, gives me those "warning" eyes, and says, "you can be as much of a slut and whore as you want. As long as I control it completely."

Well umm, lemme finish choking on my coffee here....

"Where did that come from, did you have bad dreams about me last night?"

He plopped down in the chair in front of me, and smiled, "no, I'm just sayin..."

So of course I started thinking. Apparently he thinks more than I thought.

So then, is it his responsibility to get and exert that control, or is it my responsibility to give it?
Or is it a joint responsibility for him to control that part of me so completely?

Yea I know, I'm not trying to be difficult, promise lol.

But I don't think I'm going to ask him. At least not before more coffee.

Eh, I think I get too caught up in asking things like this when really my focus should be on letting myself out of the box.
Then we'll deal with the consequences lol.

He said he would catch me. So maybe it's not such a bad thing to fall.

Craving Domination

I was thinking about why I crave Domination. Then I was questioning the question and began wondering why it matters that I do, then why I have such a hard time admitting I crave it.

Still with me?

Naturally, I got sidetracked--by wondering about the differences between craving submission, and craving Domination.

Perhaps craving Domination is craving submission too because you can't really have one without the other...?

 Lol.

Alpha, quite often craves sex.
Above all, I crave Domination.

And the two can often be quite nicely intertwined. But I also crave Domination without sex.

He's busy, it's time to plant the garden, trying to finish the boys room, hopefully some paying work coming up soon, etc. And me, left to my own devices, what do I do? Think of course. And not about tomatoes either.
It's damned inconvenient I might add.

But I sit here and I think about his control. About being Dominated.
And I know
That I submit because, deep in the core of my being, I need Domination.

Yea, there's something to be said about the whole, "I submit because______" ritual.

Because it makes me think about why I submit. And for the first few weeks, it was pretty easy--obvious answers, no real thought required. But then I used up all the easy answers lol. So I have to look just a little bit closer, dig just a little bit deeper, open up just a little bit more.


When I think about my fantasies, every single one revolves around D/s. Actually lol, they run a bit more extreme than our normal interactions. Yea, that's the "bedroom fantasies" post that will probably never be written. Unless he goes through another one of those phases where he wants to hear them and gives me an out to write them instead lol.

Funny how it can be easier to admit some things to the whole world than to look someone in the eyes and say it out loud. Eh, he's not one much for giving easy outs anyways.

And how the hell did I end up here from up there? Maybe I need more coffee...Or less...Better just err on the side of caution and say more.

The Theme This Week Is....

 All things that revolve around bedrooms while avoiding any mention of actual events in said bedroom.

"And you know who's bedroom that is, right?" He said, complete with raised eyebrow. And I'm going, hmmm, oops, well, yours?

He sighed. So, obviously not quite there yet (he has thing thing about me saying exactly what he wants to hear).

"Ummm, not mine?" A slight bemoaning tone might have crept in at that point.

Then I got the three in one combo--eyebrow, sigh, and eye-roll. "Damn your slow today baby."

Well geez, don't hide how you feel...

"It's not the master bedroom, it's the_______?" He said with greatly exaggerated patience.

"Ooh, ooh, I got this! It's Master's bedroom!"

Can I have my cookies back please?

"Finally, that's right lol."

I grinned and said, "it's Master's bedroom, but you're going to let me do whatever I want to it so..."

He laughed, "yea, but it's still Mine. And you're going to get me to do whatever you want to it anyways."

One Day I'll Learn...

I say:
I need more Domination that doesn't involve sex.

I get:
Whipped with the damn wooden spoon and informed the bedroom better be spotless by the end of the day or I'll get reacquainted with the spoon later--without clothing.

Do you have any idea how difficult it is to make a 10'x15' room spotless when every extra item in the house is crammed in it?

I find myself both happy and bitter.

One of these days I'll learn to keep my mouth shut. Maybe.

Bedroom Fantasies

Nope, not that kind of fantasy. Still working on admission of those. Maybe I'll post some of them sometime lol.

Alpha has been working on building bedrooms. One for the boys and one for us. He's going to finish the boy's first (some conscientious parenting thing lol). But he put windows in ours yesterday, and I think we have picked out some flooring for it as well.

I'm trying to convince him that it's just about warm enough outside to hang a blanket over the door and sleep in it as is. I promised I wouldn't move anything but the bed in lol. He's not going for it though--for some reason he wants to wait until it has floors and plaster and a door and some other stuff like a finished ceiling, that you can really live without in summer.

I would be lying if I said I didn't fantasize about the damn thing. But c'mon--wood floors, a room big enough to walk all the way around the bed, two suspiciously huge beams in the ceiling, an arched doorway, a curved staircase, a walk-in closet, thick enough walls to keep it delightfully cool in summer and cozy in winter...What more could a girl ask for, besides instant gratification.

Oh, and did I mention that there's plenty of room for bookshelves?

Surrender

Surrender.

I have decided I like that word.

When I went to bed the other night, I was thinking about the concept of surrender.

To surrender is to yield to the possession or power of another, to give oneself up to an influence, an emotion, to something outside oneself.

I knew he was going to take my ass. I have mixed feeling about anal--sometimes fun and always no small amount of pain, so I tend to resist it.
This time though, I tried something different. I kept telling myself "just yield. Surrender."

And in the moment where I felt his will rushing in, the energy that is him flowing through me, the moment where normally I would fight back with my own in an attempt at holding on to the individual that is me, I instead chose to surrender. To open to him and all that he is. Just to sink into his power and let it flood through me.

In that moment I realized...That his iron will, the overwhelming power in his energy, the strength flowing through him, they scare me.

Afraid.

I have what I feel, is an odd relationship with fear--it a freezing killer to my submission. And yet, in some forms, it is also a huge turn-on. Not saying that's right lol, just that it...Is.

But this particular, and previously unrealized fear is not a turn-on. It's been my own little barrier to letting go.

If you had asked me yesterday morning if I was afraid of Alpha, I would have told you no--I do not fear him; though I do occasionally fear the things he may do, or the choices he may make, I do not fear him.
But last night I realized that I do fear the raw primal power that he exudes when I surrender.

When I had the realization I felt myself draw back and I realized that I didn't need to. I thought, "he has never caused me harm before, and I trust him. What happens if I just...go with it?"
Imagine that.
And I went with it. Let him crash through me like waves.

Yea. Wow.

Afterwards he drew me to him as he always does, and I laid my head on his shoulder like I always do.

Except this time, I told him, "I yield."

He tightened his grip around me and silently kissed the top of my head, and we went to sleep in a tangle of arms and legs.

Until he gave me what I call the dismissal kiss, which loosely translated means "you have to get off my shoulder because I really can't feel my arm anymore."

Bubble Bath

Uh hu. Today I had a bubble bath for the first time ever (being covered in bubble and bath while bathing children does not count).
Super extreme and adventurous right?

Also, there are apparently huge differences between the soft flickering of scented candlelight and the scorched smell that accompanies burning dinner while being soaked by an exuberant child.

All I have to say is I can't believe it took me this long to give it a go. Even if I couldn't bring myself to fill the tub up more than halfway lol.

I could see doing that once a month.

Who knew?