Darkest Nights

In my darkest nights

you have been by my side

as I sat and cried.

Through the tears and the fights

the pain and the fears

through all these years.

In my darkest nights you have sat by my side

as ones we loved have died

and those we nurtured lied.

As we sat through deaths final watch

and returned to earth that which brought me life.

On my darkest days you freely entered the fray.

To save me from myself and what I could have become.

You are truly my One.

Never forgetting what we have come from

when everything seems undone.

In my darkest nights

with you by my side

your lips on my head

your hands in my hair

your arms wrapped around me

you have been there.

In my darkest nights

you are the light that guides

forever by my side.

Even as I kneel at your feet

you lift me up that I might see

all of the things life could be.

In my darkest night

you are my light just within sight

the One constellation
always guiding me

home.

Never to be alone.

Eyes Wide Open?

I am usually a sex-with-eyes-closed kind of girl. Unless he makes me look at him. Last night there was no command to make eye contact. But at some point I opened my eyes and looked at him...And I couldn't look away.

Is it odd to have a rolling loop going through your head while having sex? Something along the lines of, ahem, "omg, I'm going to cum from the look in his eyes and he could break my neck with one little twist but he won't". Okay, so the repetitive thought probably not odd. That particular one? Maybe lol.

Alpha has very dark eyes with eyelashes that most women (me included) envy. And when they get that calculating curious look under the "you are Mine!" stare...To say it makes me weak in the knees would be an understatement.

The Nature of Dominance, Submission, and Being Human

With one of my usual insane leaps of thought, I started thinking about one's nature after a comment on one of my posts a while back.

Part of my nature...Who I am.

I think that when we talk about things that are in people's nature, we're really saying, this is something that is an inherent part of this person. It is something that can be adapted and modified by learning and circumstance; however, it will remain a fundamental aspect of who they are as a human being.

Ttwd has taught me a lot about my nature. Not all of them things I am pleased to admit. And I think that people sometimes go to great lengths to hide who they really are, to deny that which is indeed...In their nature.

Submission has always been in my nature. And yes, there's a raging pit bull in there. And to this day, it too is part of my nature. Simply because the first basic rule of living is survival.

One's true nature can be nurtured or repressed, it can be denied and hidden, it can be lied about and left in the shadows of who we say we are. But it isn't really going to change.

I get a fair amount of hits off the search "how to make my husband Dominant." It makes me smile because there was a day that search might have been mine. And I wonder if these women find anything useful here or if they meander back onto the web in disillusionment.

The truth is, you cannot make someone Dominant. Just as you cannot make someone submissive. You can encourage it, you can be the inspiration for light bulb moments of realization. But you simply will never be able to make somebody into something they are not.

Domination can be learned.
Dominance is part of one's nature.

Submission can be learned.
Being a submissive is part of one's nature.

I think that many of the issues we encounter in life come from our attempts to change the inherent nature of the people around us. And conversely, from our own denial about who and what we really are--our attempts to deny our own nature.

And yes, I am obviously one of those who is working on accepting their own nature.

My Everything

There is something interesting that happens when he gets mad at me. It's not the pathetic sense of impending doom, or the slight panic of having pushed it just a it too far, or the downright depression at disappointing.

It's the reinforcement of the fact that we are individuals of equal value on unequal footing.
It creates a space between us. I'm not really a fan of there being space between us. But sometimes, without that space, it's easy to forget our places as separate beings.

Being reminded of that reinforces the love I have for him. I love him not just for us, but for himself. For who he was, is, and will be.
With closeness comes comfort and familiarity. When the space between appears, it reminds me that nothing in this life is written in stone. That he is Master and I am slave. That some things will never be negotiable.

That he is my everything.

When he is no longer angry, and he looks down at me with that bittersweet look of disappointment, my knees melt. And I know that I am willing to do anything to please, anything to incur a sense of pride from him. Anything to keep the love he gives me.

Because when all is right between us? The sky really could fall. And it would be okay. Because he is my rock, the solid ground beneath my feet, the wind under my wings, my oasis in the desert.

My everything.

Sometimes it takes that space between us to remind me of just how green and gorgeous the grass is on my side of the fence.

Those Other Moments

He didn't lose it...He just snapped at me and stormed off to the chair. Honestly, I sometimes miss the days when I just went tit for tat with him. Now? When he's angry I'm just pathetic. And it annoys the shit out of me.

It all started over my a cigarette. Well more accurately, it had started in the morning over coffee (see a running theme surrounding my addictions here?)

He said he was tired of me and my "mine." And me? I said pretty much nothing.
He informed me that he doesn't get the response he wants when he talks or suggests. But he's also not happy with the results when he snaps at me--he doesn't like it when I'm all down and brokeded. Ooh, whatdya know, spell check still works. And I have every intention of ignoring it.

Something horrid and strange happens when he's angry with me. Something that, before our D/s dynamic, would have been unheard of in any but the most knock-down drag-out fights. And at that, only in the remorseful stage that comes after you know that things have gone way to far.
In short, I feel. Absolutely. Awful. Like the sky has fallen and I'm the only one who knows it, kind of awful. And I hate it.

My lead is just long enough to choke myself with. Always has been.

This morning I told him I didn't think he liked me much. He said he likes me plenty. "I like you lots. I look up to you. my little sub." He went on to say that the life we have is what he always dreamed of.

We have taken to very much living the simple life (we just added chickens to our menagerie. I must be nuts). Oddly enough, it's the life he yearned for and the life I yearned to get away from. I accept the fact that this way and place is my life. And for the most part, I'm happy with it because that life is with him.

My dad always said "if you were in paradise, would you even know it?" And I think that most people don't. Because we are often too busy looking at the things that are not what we wanted to see the wonder in front of our faces.

It really wouldn't matter what or where my life was if he wasn't in it. Nowhere in this world would be home for me without him.

I have comments to respond to...But Blogger is being a bitch. So maybe it will decide to let me comment on my own blog later.

And did I mention that there are days I want to, (literally) throw my kid into the public school system and be done with this homeschooling shit?

My kids think they are heathens, my dogs think they are wolves, my cats think they are dogs, the wolves think they are lap dogs, and the chickens are sure that they are really cats in disguise.
You know, that sentence explains a lot about my life lol.

These Are The Moments...

Standing in the shower last night, with my head on his chest and the water streaming over us, my garden induced delirium led to a serious appreciation for the little things.

It's not just those moments of mind blowing acquiescence, or the times of soul shattering control and surrender that makes our relationship what it is.

It's those tiny moments in time, with my head on his chest and the water pouring over us, those days standing in a huge patch of dirt and slowly working it into food for the year.
It's the way he kisses my forehead before I leave for work, the tone in his voice when he tells me I'm a good girl, the weakness in my knees when he states quietly and without doubt that I am his and his alone.
It's the look in his eyes when he says he enjoys my company (yea, whore at heart. One, "I enjoy your company" gets me out in that garden faster than ten, "I wish you would get your ass out here").

These are the moments that make everything else possible.

They are the foundation that holds up the framework for our exchange of power. They are the solid ground beneath our feet when the world shakes us to our cores.

These are the moments easily taken for granted, the ones I cannot live without, the ones that make this crazy life the beautiful experience it can be.

Because they are our moments.

Thinking Out Loud

The thing that I love about hitting publish on my blog, is that it makes the thoughts floating in my head solid. It gives them a form and shape which makes them easier to examine and understand. Often, by the time my next post goes up, my perspective on the previous one has changed.

Sometimes I think I read as unhappy, when really I'm just...Thinking out loud. Well, I am not happy about blogger lol, but everything else? Just because it can be difficult, doesn't mean it's not good.

And boy did I have some great thoughts last night before I went to sleep...They stayed somewhere out there in dreamland though.

One of the things I love about Alpha is that everything has a purpose. Sure, there are plenty of, "because I can" or, "just because I want to," but hey, I'm pretty sure I would do that too given a chance to run things around here lol.

The proactive approach to anything has never been my strong point. But I don't think that submission is necessarily by nature, a passive experience.

He is making me look at things from the perspective of him not being the only one who has to work at this. And that seems fair. Especially given that I might be am quite a lot of work lol.

This whole approach he's got going on, the one I'm having a difficult time adapting to? It makes me put a lot more thought into this whole power exchange thing. It makes me ask for what I want and admit to what I need.
Oh the horror of it all!

I need his Dominance. And that need requires that I submit.
He's right that he shouldn't have to fight me for something I want to give.

And punishment? In a way, it is kind of an absolution. Without it...I tend to spend a lot more time thinking about what I did or didn't do wrong. Not sure I like it lol. But it does make me want to be good.
And he knows that eventually, I will come crawling and ask for that absolution. Or, i could just be a good girl...

He knows what I need. And he needs for me to admit to it before making it reality.

The man knows me so well, it's almost disturbing.

He has no desire to drag me down the rabbit hole. He wants to see me jump in.
And he has always been there to catch me before I hit bottom.