No, not the romping kind of bedtime.
The kind of bedtime where your head hits the pillow at 8:00, you sleep for ten hours, and wake up to the smell of pastries and coffee.
In other words, a real fantasy bedtime.
Today was just one of those days. Well, technically, I think it started yesterday when Alpha dislocated his shoulder. Again.
This morning I loaded up the kids...
Went to the post office.
Now, I hate checking the mail. There's this lovely lady behind the counter, and she's all sweet and smiles, but I still hate it.
Seriously though, the mail is never good news, and half the time the news you need isn't there. Like the medicaid renewal forms I desperately need. That's a problem because my body is giving me problems and I have been informed that it's time to get them checked out.
Then the MVD.
Terrible place that.
Then I took them to town for shoes.
Oh
My
Fucking
God!
An hour in the shoe store trying on every pair of mens 7.5 until finding a pair that worked. He's only 10. It's unnatural.
Then to the feed store because the wicked chickens must eat.
Some days I wonder if we have this whole raising poultry thing backwards...
The horror ended after an hour in wal mart. Evil evil place.
I may have told my youngest that I might eat him if he kept his shit up in the store.
Did I mention that I forgot to eat before before leaving the house this morning?
Luckily, both of the children survived.
The garden needs water...And for some reason, the inhabitants of my house expect dinner. They ate an hour ago for goodness sake!
Wednesday, May 29, 2013
Saturday, May 25, 2013
A Question of Separating D/s From the Rest?
"How do you separate marriage/family life from the D/s life?
My husband is concerned about this, his biggest concern being, he doesn't want our daughter (5) to grow up and marry a controlling/borderline abusive man. I tried to explain to him that their is a huge difference between abusive and D/s. Obviously nothing intense would go on in front of her, and there can be a place where he can correct me if need be, and it wouldn't be in front of the kids, not even intense stuff. He comes from an abusive background (his father was terrible) and I the opposite (sort of). He can't understand the need/want for this. I think thats the hardest thing to explain...LOL. He said he would never slap me across the face, but honestly, the thought lights up my eyes like a kid in a candy store."
Honestly, I have no clue how one would go about separating D/s from marriage/family life because it is something that has become so entwined in mine.
The best idea I have there is to keep it in the bedroom, and even at that, it is still part of your marriage.
I think that at first, D/s is often something we do. The lines are nice and clear--I will do this, I won't do that, it stays in the bedroom, etc.
Then over time those nice sharp lines in the sand get eroded and begin to move. When that happens, it is no longer easy to compartmentalize things into categories like D/s, marriage, family. Because power exchange lies somewhere underneath and inside of all those things.
The simplest solution I can offer really is to just keep it in the bedroom, but observation and past experience have led me to believe that it can be rather difficult to keep D/s confined to one room of your life.
I am going to go with my own interpretation, and approach this question from a slightly different angle. If I get it all wrong, I can always do another post right?
I see your question as being about how you can be in a power exchange relationship without adversely impacting your daughter, and how to convince your husband that being your Dominant does not make him abusive. I think these two questions actually tie into each other in a way.
As I said before, if I'm coming at this all wrong, I'll do it again, K?
I think that D/s and children can be a very touchy subject, and answers may vary widely depending on who you ask.
We have 2 boys. Now, one of our responsibilities as parents, is to make sure that they grow into good men. And they learned at a very early age that it is not acceptable to hit women (yes, not even that wicked little girl throwing rocks at you and chasing you with a stick), mom is in no way inferior to dad, everyone says please and thank you, and that relationships are based on mutual respect and caring.
Really, I think that D/s around kids is quite comparable to sexual behavior--yes you have sex, and it's always there as a part of your relationship, but your kids don't see it. They know you flirt, but they don't know the next step. If I'm making any sense...
If you present your daughter with a view of your relationship as being one where you respect each other, mom is happy to respond to dad's polite requests, and your household is harmonious, that is the relationship model she will be familiar with.
There is nothing wrong with a Dominant that says please and thank you, and his respect for you as an individual does not disappear or take a back burner because he is in control.
His respect for your thoughts and opinions shows your daughter that hers should matter too when she has relationships of her own. Just because he can choose to go with your opinion or against it does not negate the fact that he took it into account to begin with.
As a couple, you come to mutual agreement about issues of family. My boys know that sometimes mom makes the decision, sometimes she says it's up to dad--either way, Alpha is not going to overrule me in front of them.
We have a rule in our house, that one "no" outweighs either parent's "yes". If it's a big issue, we discuss it until we reach an agreement.
The subject of reconciling one's morals with being Dominant and (possibly) hitting your wife, is something that Alpha and I have spent a fair amount of time discussing.
The fact that it is wrong to hit women and they must be treated as equals is a concept that is often beaten (sometimes literally) into boys at an early age.
Conversely, in cases like your husband's, some men learn what they do not want to become because they grow up with a model that they know is wrong and don't want to emulate.
I get slapped around. Quite a bit.
Never, in our nearly 15 years together, have I been struck in anger.
Punishment is no longer a part of our dynamic. When it was, if he was mad at me, he would wait until he wasn't mad anymore before doling out my punishment.
I think that abuse is often about displacing responsibility, anger, and a severe lack of self control.
Dominance doesn't have any of those markings.
Dominance is about taking responsibility for one's actions and the repercussions of those choices, it's about not acting in anger, and it's about having enough self control to be able to exert control over another human being.
This is a rather extreme simplification, but for the purpose of comparison, I believe it is pretty accurate.
I hope that I have adequately answered your question.
My husband is concerned about this, his biggest concern being, he doesn't want our daughter (5) to grow up and marry a controlling/borderline abusive man. I tried to explain to him that their is a huge difference between abusive and D/s. Obviously nothing intense would go on in front of her, and there can be a place where he can correct me if need be, and it wouldn't be in front of the kids, not even intense stuff. He comes from an abusive background (his father was terrible) and I the opposite (sort of). He can't understand the need/want for this. I think thats the hardest thing to explain...LOL. He said he would never slap me across the face, but honestly, the thought lights up my eyes like a kid in a candy store."
Honestly, I have no clue how one would go about separating D/s from marriage/family life because it is something that has become so entwined in mine.
The best idea I have there is to keep it in the bedroom, and even at that, it is still part of your marriage.
I think that at first, D/s is often something we do. The lines are nice and clear--I will do this, I won't do that, it stays in the bedroom, etc.
Then over time those nice sharp lines in the sand get eroded and begin to move. When that happens, it is no longer easy to compartmentalize things into categories like D/s, marriage, family. Because power exchange lies somewhere underneath and inside of all those things.
The simplest solution I can offer really is to just keep it in the bedroom, but observation and past experience have led me to believe that it can be rather difficult to keep D/s confined to one room of your life.
I am going to go with my own interpretation, and approach this question from a slightly different angle. If I get it all wrong, I can always do another post right?
I see your question as being about how you can be in a power exchange relationship without adversely impacting your daughter, and how to convince your husband that being your Dominant does not make him abusive. I think these two questions actually tie into each other in a way.
As I said before, if I'm coming at this all wrong, I'll do it again, K?
I think that D/s and children can be a very touchy subject, and answers may vary widely depending on who you ask.
We have 2 boys. Now, one of our responsibilities as parents, is to make sure that they grow into good men. And they learned at a very early age that it is not acceptable to hit women (yes, not even that wicked little girl throwing rocks at you and chasing you with a stick), mom is in no way inferior to dad, everyone says please and thank you, and that relationships are based on mutual respect and caring.
Really, I think that D/s around kids is quite comparable to sexual behavior--yes you have sex, and it's always there as a part of your relationship, but your kids don't see it. They know you flirt, but they don't know the next step. If I'm making any sense...
If you present your daughter with a view of your relationship as being one where you respect each other, mom is happy to respond to dad's polite requests, and your household is harmonious, that is the relationship model she will be familiar with.
There is nothing wrong with a Dominant that says please and thank you, and his respect for you as an individual does not disappear or take a back burner because he is in control.
His respect for your thoughts and opinions shows your daughter that hers should matter too when she has relationships of her own. Just because he can choose to go with your opinion or against it does not negate the fact that he took it into account to begin with.
As a couple, you come to mutual agreement about issues of family. My boys know that sometimes mom makes the decision, sometimes she says it's up to dad--either way, Alpha is not going to overrule me in front of them.
We have a rule in our house, that one "no" outweighs either parent's "yes". If it's a big issue, we discuss it until we reach an agreement.
The subject of reconciling one's morals with being Dominant and (possibly) hitting your wife, is something that Alpha and I have spent a fair amount of time discussing.
The fact that it is wrong to hit women and they must be treated as equals is a concept that is often beaten (sometimes literally) into boys at an early age.
Conversely, in cases like your husband's, some men learn what they do not want to become because they grow up with a model that they know is wrong and don't want to emulate.
I get slapped around. Quite a bit.
Never, in our nearly 15 years together, have I been struck in anger.
Punishment is no longer a part of our dynamic. When it was, if he was mad at me, he would wait until he wasn't mad anymore before doling out my punishment.
I think that abuse is often about displacing responsibility, anger, and a severe lack of self control.
Dominance doesn't have any of those markings.
Dominance is about taking responsibility for one's actions and the repercussions of those choices, it's about not acting in anger, and it's about having enough self control to be able to exert control over another human being.
This is a rather extreme simplification, but for the purpose of comparison, I believe it is pretty accurate.
I hope that I have adequately answered your question.
Friday, May 24, 2013
To Be Mindful
Mindfulness is a concept that I have been pondering lately.
To be mindful...It's important right?
Submission is very much about being mindful of one's Dominant, and no small part of that is being mindful of oneself, one's actions and reactions, of the way that we think and behave.
It is about seeing ourselves and our behavior as a reflection on him and who he is.
I think that when we are mindful, that is when we are able to bring grace to who we are and what we do.
Mindfulness is about avoiding those knee-jerk reactions that so often get us in trouble, it's about thinking before we speak, taking care that our actions have meaning.
It is about using coherent thought to guide our behavior in a way that pleases.
It is about living the meaning of what it is to be owned.
To be mindful is to be pleasing
to be the best of what they see in us
it is an awareness of ourselves and our interactions with others
it is about relinquishing control while retaining a sense of personal responsibility.
Often, submission is a repeating series of conscious choices, choices that invariably lead to the conclusion that the choices we are to make are the ones that our Dominants desire to be made.
After a certain point, many of those choices become so automatic, that we no longer realize there is any choice at all. Because while we are multifaceted, what we really are, is his. And all our choices become ultimately rooted in that fact.
Yet, we cannot get to that place without a certain degree of mindfulness.
So how we attain this thing called mindfulness?
I think that we practice it until we become...Mindful.
And yes, I am still stuck in the attempting to practice phase.
To be mindful...It's important right?
Submission is very much about being mindful of one's Dominant, and no small part of that is being mindful of oneself, one's actions and reactions, of the way that we think and behave.
It is about seeing ourselves and our behavior as a reflection on him and who he is.
I think that when we are mindful, that is when we are able to bring grace to who we are and what we do.
Mindfulness is about avoiding those knee-jerk reactions that so often get us in trouble, it's about thinking before we speak, taking care that our actions have meaning.
It is about using coherent thought to guide our behavior in a way that pleases.
It is about living the meaning of what it is to be owned.
To be mindful is to be pleasing
to be the best of what they see in us
it is an awareness of ourselves and our interactions with others
it is about relinquishing control while retaining a sense of personal responsibility.
Often, submission is a repeating series of conscious choices, choices that invariably lead to the conclusion that the choices we are to make are the ones that our Dominants desire to be made.
After a certain point, many of those choices become so automatic, that we no longer realize there is any choice at all. Because while we are multifaceted, what we really are, is his. And all our choices become ultimately rooted in that fact.
Yet, we cannot get to that place without a certain degree of mindfulness.
So how we attain this thing called mindfulness?
I think that we practice it until we become...Mindful.
And yes, I am still stuck in the attempting to practice phase.
Thursday, May 23, 2013
Human Race
Somehow
somewhere along the way
we fell through a hole
in the heart of our race
we forgot that we were born okay
we forgot that we belong to the earth
and that she does not belong to us
from her we are born, and to her we all shall return
Somehow
somewhere along the way
greed planted a seed
and the human race
in an attempt to save face
decided to descend from grace
we became a culture of greed
based around what we see as our never-ending need
Somehow
somewhere along the way
we forgot that we were made of stars
that we are infinite possibility
only caged by our own beliefs
And so we go on
fighting our holy wars
in the name of Gods
who's meanings we have long since forgotten
Religions come and go
Gods live and die
yet we continue
to perpetuate the lie
that we are different,
you and I
And so we have become
a culture of genocide
as our governments lie and devide
in the name of a country's pride
Creating a race
who is forgetting the meaning of human being
in its race against being human
where we don't want our governments
to tell us who to love
and how to live
yet
we accept that they tell us who to hate
they tell us who to kill
in a race to the bottom wherein we believe
that war is the cost of peace
and rights must be sacrificed in the name of security
We raise our children on war games
and we lie to them
when we tell them
that they are not one and the same
that their pain
is more than that of the person next door
and so we fight
in the name of Gods that will one day lie forgotten
and so we have become
a world misbegotten
because we no longer remember
that I am who I am
and you are who you are
and inside
we are all the same.
We are the human race
so caught up in believing
that we have forgotten the power of thinking
we have forgotten
that there is nothing more dangerous
and nothing more beautiful
than an intelligent and articulate mind
so we land where they tell us to take our stand
we forget that we belong to the land
we eat what they feed us
and so we believe what they see in us.
so caught up in believing
that we have forgotten the power of thinking
we have forgotten
that there is nothing more dangerous
and nothing more beautiful
than an intelligent and articulate mind
so we land where they tell us to take our stand
we forget that we belong to the land
we eat what they feed us
and so we believe what they see in us.
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
Coffee Trauma
It's no secret that I love coffee. Seriously, if the world as we know it ended tomorrow, I would be fine. Except...Lack of coffee would be a major issue.
But I digress...
I can make a cup of coffee last for a while, so I was sipping away innocently over the course of the afternoon.
In the
very
last
drink
What should I spit out?
A spider.
I'm pretty sure it only had three legs too. Which means...Ew!
The next day I only had one cup of coffee.
It was like some terrible and traumatic, (yet effective) form of aversion therapy.
In fact, at this very moment, I am drinking tea.
 |
| I'm not a fan of pink, but if my kids couldn't read, I would so own this cup. |
I can make a cup of coffee last for a while, so I was sipping away innocently over the course of the afternoon.
In the
very
last
drink
What should I spit out?
A spider.
I'm pretty sure it only had three legs too. Which means...Ew!
The next day I only had one cup of coffee.
It was like some terrible and traumatic, (yet effective) form of aversion therapy.
In fact, at this very moment, I am drinking tea.
Monday, May 20, 2013
To Share One's Truth
I occasionally get emails from new subs asking for advice. The one thread that all my responses seem to have in common, is the assertion that they need to talk to their Dominant.
Given my tendency to be communication challenged, I am sure that Alpha finds great irony in that statement.
For me, one of the most freeing and wondrous things about ttwd, was the discovery that there was a space between us wherein I could tell him anything.
If you want to explore someone's mind, be closer to them than their skin, and be the person who defines their limits, you have to help that person develop the ability to spill their heart and soul to you.
A big part of that is realizing one cannot expect to be freely told someone's deepest darkest thoughts, if they are waiting to criticize what they hear.
You cannot expect her to bare her heart and soul if she believes that you are going to rip them out when she does.
Much as submission becomes easier when there is Domination for one to submit to, being completely open is quite a bit more appealing when you know that the response, while perhaps not necessarily what you want to hear, is not going to culminate in an argument--because he will accept you regardless of what you tell him, and you will accept his thoughts and decisions about whatever you have said.
Of course, there is also the little issue that if you use that space and acceptance as an excuse to be a disobedient and raging brat, you are going to lose it immediately.
A fact that I was clearly informed of and confronted with in the not so distant past.
But when we can achieve and maintain the ability to create that place in our relationships...
In that space, there is no shadow of yesterday, no suffering for tomorrow, just two people sharing a moment of pure and unadulterated truth.
When we empty our hearts and minds of the words and thoughts to which we hold on so tightly, that is the moment we gain the ability to share a meaningful silence that outweighs the power of words.
I think that sometimes, if we want to be really close, we have to empty out the space between us.
We do so by laying everything out on the table, and sifting through the piles until we can set them aside or throw them out.
Until all that is left is our shared silence.
The silence of acceptance, of redemption, of surrender, of knowing.
The silence of two people with nothing left to hide.
Simply being.
Given my tendency to be communication challenged, I am sure that Alpha finds great irony in that statement.
For me, one of the most freeing and wondrous things about ttwd, was the discovery that there was a space between us wherein I could tell him anything.
If you want to explore someone's mind, be closer to them than their skin, and be the person who defines their limits, you have to help that person develop the ability to spill their heart and soul to you.
A big part of that is realizing one cannot expect to be freely told someone's deepest darkest thoughts, if they are waiting to criticize what they hear.
You cannot expect her to bare her heart and soul if she believes that you are going to rip them out when she does.
Much as submission becomes easier when there is Domination for one to submit to, being completely open is quite a bit more appealing when you know that the response, while perhaps not necessarily what you want to hear, is not going to culminate in an argument--because he will accept you regardless of what you tell him, and you will accept his thoughts and decisions about whatever you have said.
Of course, there is also the little issue that if you use that space and acceptance as an excuse to be a disobedient and raging brat, you are going to lose it immediately.
A fact that I was clearly informed of and confronted with in the not so distant past.
But when we can achieve and maintain the ability to create that place in our relationships...
When we empty our hearts and minds of the words and thoughts to which we hold on so tightly, that is the moment we gain the ability to share a meaningful silence that outweighs the power of words.
I think that sometimes, if we want to be really close, we have to empty out the space between us.
We do so by laying everything out on the table, and sifting through the piles until we can set them aside or throw them out.
Until all that is left is our shared silence.
The silence of acceptance, of redemption, of surrender, of knowing.
The silence of two people with nothing left to hide.
Simply being.
Sunday, May 19, 2013
How Silly Is It?
I have this not so little issue...
I can't enjoy sex if I can't go into sub-space. Yes, there are plenty of times that I can get off on the fact that he is taking what he wants whether I want it or not. But it is not a given.
That space? Sometimes that space comes easy.
Sometimes I just can't go down to save my life. And I always need help to get there. No matter how badly I want it.
I was having a terrible time of it the other night, I just couldn't let go enough to really go under.
We were lying together afterwards when, in a surprisingly gentle manner, he said, "How silly is it to want to be made to do what you want to do?"
Well, if you want to put it like that...It does seem pretty damn silly.
Since when do logic and I play nicely though?
It did get me to thinking about that high maintenance need I have to be hunted, conquered, forced to do that which I do not want to do, and made to do what I wanted to do in the first place.
I realize that, for me at least, it is much easier to reconcile certain things in my mind if I can tell myself that he made me do them. Therefore absolving myself of some responsibility for events.
Not saying that is the best approach or anything, but it is a truth that I have observed myself replay time and time again.
I believe that submission must come from an inner desire that leads to a conscious choice, made of one's own free will. That choice giving one the ability to go to a place of unconscious surrender where there is no longer thought, choice, or a will of one's own--just being.
Somehow though, that belief does not cure me of the desire to be forced into what I want...
I can't enjoy sex if I can't go into sub-space. Yes, there are plenty of times that I can get off on the fact that he is taking what he wants whether I want it or not. But it is not a given.
That space? Sometimes that space comes easy.
Sometimes I just can't go down to save my life. And I always need help to get there. No matter how badly I want it.
I was having a terrible time of it the other night, I just couldn't let go enough to really go under.
We were lying together afterwards when, in a surprisingly gentle manner, he said, "How silly is it to want to be made to do what you want to do?"
Well, if you want to put it like that...It does seem pretty damn silly.
Since when do logic and I play nicely though?
It did get me to thinking about that high maintenance need I have to be hunted, conquered, forced to do that which I do not want to do, and made to do what I wanted to do in the first place.
I realize that, for me at least, it is much easier to reconcile certain things in my mind if I can tell myself that he made me do them. Therefore absolving myself of some responsibility for events.
Not saying that is the best approach or anything, but it is a truth that I have observed myself replay time and time again.
I believe that submission must come from an inner desire that leads to a conscious choice, made of one's own free will. That choice giving one the ability to go to a place of unconscious surrender where there is no longer thought, choice, or a will of one's own--just being.
Somehow though, that belief does not cure me of the desire to be forced into what I want...
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