My beautiful queen on her knees.  Here we are back at the beginning of our 15th trip around the sun together.  I want you (and the world) to know how much you mean to me.  You are the sun that lights my day, the moon that brightens my night, the stars that guide my journey when I can't see the path.  Simply put you are my everything and I would be lost without you.  Life has its ups and downs, ins and outs.  My most comforting thought is always you.  YOU bring a sense of peace in this crazy existence,  YOU make it all OK.  Without you I would be lost adrift on a sea of loneliness.  Thank you for being my shelter in the storm, and the wind beneath my wings.  You my beautiful Queen On Her Knees.  My love for you shall always burn eternally........for ever more....................

Randomly Speaking...

Blogger is making me angry. I know it acts up sometimes, and I'm used to that. But it's been telling me for two whole days that I'm not following any blogs--in the past they have come and gone, but the refresh button fixes all. Then the blogs on the sidebar...Well, titles seem to be appearing and disappearing randomly...

In other news...

I think that I have figured out my greatest source of frustration with the writing process--it's different this time.
See, what I learned, what I tutored, what I focused on, was all research based non-fiction. The writing I learned was all about MLA and APA, correctly citing sources, making bibliographies, etc.
I must say, it's a completely different animal.

Not to seem to focused...

Thursday is our anniversary, and I persuaded my mom to take both the boys for 2 nights. It's a miracle!

They stay tomorrow and the next night. I have no idea what on earth we are going to do. I'm not-so-secretly hoping that Alpha will decide and surprise me lol.

And in the spirit of displaying excessive ADD tendencies...

I am now off to make orange curd to compliment carrot cake, for a birthday tomorrow. There's almost a pound of butter in this recipe...She won't have a heart attack if I don't tell her right?

Discoveries...

Over the last couple of days, I have discovered that I am capable of producing respectable amounts of writing.
Unfortunately, I have also discovered that the results are not respectable.
In fact, if I had to give it a label, I would say that it's absolute drivel.

I think that pretty much sums it up...

Alpha scoffed at my proposal to create a blog just for whining. You can blame the future deterioration of these pages on him. Lol.

No One Told Me!

I will not own a Kindle. I adore real books far to much for that. I did however, have to download the Kindle app onto my computer.

And I discovered something wondrous--you can find free books!

I mean, they aren't true paper and ink books where you can flip the pages and smell that lovely book smell, and slide a piece of paper between the pages, and put them up on the shelf just for pretties when you're done...

But!

Free stories!

No one told me!!!

And did you know that, if you type "free Kindle books" into the search bar on Amazon, you get 55,590 results???

I mean, I'm sure they aren't all worth reading, but omygoodies!

No one told me!

I had to add this after the fact, because really, was there ever going to be a better post for it?

A Question of How to Let Him Know...

"I feel like i've been hit with a mack truck! In a good way! Thank you for this site..Been with Fiance for 12 years, kids. I've always been an independent, stubborn, headstrong woman who has just been kinda going along with the motions over the years until... i just found out i was preggy with 4th baby at an older age recently. I have an overwhelming deep desire to finally submit to him fully and unconditionally. I now have a insatiable craving surrender my control and give in to him on all levels. It's like he's finally "won" me over and i crave his discipline and guidance. I actually want to wear skirts now instead of jeans to please him. He has known in the past that I like to be treated roughly in bedroom but has no idea what i'm feeling now. It's gone off the charts and it's like i finally feeling like a real woman for the first time in my life. I don't want him to think i'm weird but need tips on how to let him know. I even actually want to give in and get Married although I have fought that this whole time.. I'm not sure what's going on but I am feeling more free in a way than i ever have.."

 I think that  none of us want our significant others to think that we are weird! There comes a point however, when we just have to have some faith in them. You have been together for a long time, and chances are that it would take a lot more than a desire to submit to make him think you are weird.

And really, there are often times where we initially think that something is weird, then we adapt to the idea and it becomes normal.

As far as tips on how to let him know...Variations of this question are by far the most common subject that I am asked about. I think that I am probably about the worst person to ask when it comes to queries of communication!

I believe that the first step is always to examine oneself--why you want to really submit, what that submission looks like to you, how far you think is realistic, questions of that nature. Because it is immensely helpful to have some clarity in our own minds before bringing these ideas to them.

My opinion is that you are going to have to take the leap--after some serious introspection, sit down and just tell him how you feel.
You have to believe in him enough to know that its okay if he thinks it's weird. Really. You have been together for a long enough period of time, that a revelation like this shouldn't break your relationship.

In my mind, the straightforward approach is always best. Even though it can be somewhat difficult.
I think that the secret is to really examine yourself first, have a respectful approach, and be open minded to whatever his reaction might be.

Best of luck.

Finally Friday

Yay! Soccer week is over! Quite frankly, I have no idea where it went. Though if I had to hazard a guess, I would say someplace unpleasantly warm, and well stocked with flaming pitchforks...

My brain is on melted overdrive. You know, that place where you have a shitload of thoughts, but there are too many of them for any possible sense of coherence whatsoever?

So...

Yea...

Breaking my Own Rule...

I have this little rule for myself--nothing gets published immediately if I am depressed, really angry, or upset. It sits in the drafts folder until I cool down and decide if I want to post it or not.

Yea...
I'm gonna break that rule.

My body has been doing odd things you see. Starting with "unspecified pelvic pain". Such a useful diagnosis, no? Then came the weight gain. Averaging ten pounds a month actually. Oh yay.

Of course, my tests are all perfect. Couldn't be healthier. There's that minor issue of the ovary that hurts being twice as large as the other one, but the radiologist person classified it as normal.

Naturally, there was an objection to my refusal of the chlamydia test...Until I looked at the nurse and told her straight out, "We have the kind of relationship where if he wanted to screw someone else, he would just tell me he was going to, and that would be that. If you really want to though, you can run your little test"
And that my friends, was the end of that conversation.

So back for blood work next week. Then the week after for results. And if I still appear healthy as can be, off to a specialist.

The silly  thing is, none of this bothers me. The fact that there might be something wrong doesn't bother me. The tests, the doctors, the specialists, none of that bothers me. Feeling like shit...Well, that bothers me a little.

But what bothers me, what really fucking bothers me, is suddenly weighing nearly as much as I did when I was pregnant with my first kid. And gaining it at the same fucking rate too.