24/7

It has been one of those weeks:

How sweet is that...

I have realized that my normal emotional and physical functioning is not...Normal. Still not sure how I feel about that, but it has led to some sensitivity and easy irritation on my part. Apparently...

We had a tiff. Well, he was irritated, I woke up to it, and the party continued.

This seems to be my motto...

By the time Alpha got home last night, he had decided to put an end to it.
I made have made the fatal mistake of laughing inappropriately at what I saw as a threat (turns out it was a promise). Said laughter earned me peeing in a cup every morning.

He asked me if I needed the belt. I hemmed and hawed, (I don't like the belt) finally settling on "I don't know".
He make me kneel in front of him as he pissed all over me. I tearfully admitted that I had never realized not everyone experienced emotion over little things as intensely as me. Oddly enough, he already knew that, and seemed surprised that I didn't...I tried to explain that he had gotten a faulty model, but he didn't seem to care...Apparently he's keeping me, regardless of failing parts.

Then he took me over his knee where I proceeded to lose count several times, never making it past ten. The lesson? I appear to have a problem with my definition of 24/7. it is always, not just when I want.

So...

He said, "that first piss of the day that you cherish so much, is now mine. You'll pee in a cup every morning until I say otherwise. Because you are mine always, at all times. Even in the morning. Is there something that you don't understand about the term 24/7?"

Ummm....
"The 7?"
Because really, peeing in a cup before 7 AM, and this whole morning thing...
Yea, he wasn't having it.

I feel remarkably better today...
This is always, in all ways.
And really, how can one not appreciate a man who values damaged property like a rare misprint?

Decisions Decisions

Whenever a person commits to a relationship, they accept the fact that there might be a time when they are responsible for making medical decisions on behalf of the person they are committing to. Such things are not confined to the people we sleep with. Many of us make these decisions for our children, and quite often, other family members.

Every Dominant draws the line somewhere. More aptly perhaps, over and over again in a variety of places and ways.
One of the places where Alpha draws the line, is often when it comes to serious decisions about my healthcare choices. He offers his opinion, and then he expects me to make a well informed choice of my own. I will usually do research and waffle back and forth, finally settling on his original recommendation.

Of course, a strenuous objection from him would be complied with like an order, because that's just how I seem to function these days. That's probably why he offers a mild opinion and then sits back and waits for me to figure my shit out...

I think that ultimately, as long as we are able, there are decisions that should not be put on another persons' shoulders. Simply because, if the wrong decision is made, that person could be left with a lifetime of regret and guilt.

I have been waffling about a decision.
I got two possible diagnosis that are, in and of themselves, not incredibly dangerous. Though they do raise my risk for various (and more severe) health problems.

Apparently exploratory surgery is the only way to get a definitive diagnosis. Chances are, I would refuse the traditional treatment for either condition, because seriously, the last thing I need is more problems with my hormones.

Of course, as the Dr. pointed out, I could refuse traditional methods altogether, and just live in pain.
I know that sounds bad. But for the most part, pain and I have developed a working relationship.
I also think that these conditions can probably be managed in other ways.

Alpha suggested that I try alternative therapies that would likely treat/maintain both conditions without repeated surgeries, or the side effects of pharmaceutical prescriptions.
As he said, "I have offered my opinion, but this one's on you. This is one of those things that you have to decide for yourself."

I realize that this is something I will have to be conscious of for the rest of my life. I figure it will help me with that whole "mindfulness" thing that I have been working on forever.

So for now, the decision has been made--the probe happy doctor can have his good times with someone else. I am going to continue getting my masochistic needs met at home.

Perspective

I often think that we are pretty tame--in the lighter end of the spectrum of ttwd perhaps.
I sometimes complain about his expectations, and put on a front that he asks too much, but really? I think he's pretty easy going and not all that strict.

It's kind of like that beautiful long drive to town--I don't really like it. I see the road, and the tourists. I know every turn, and where the elk are most likely to be. I can close my eyes and drive it in my sleep because I have seen it a million times.
But if I step back and look at it with fresh eyes, pretending that it is a previously unseen view? It's stunning, and I can see why people stop to gawk, and come from far away places to see that which I have grown to take for granted.

Our relationship is a bit like that.
I walk around feeling like we are just a couple steps from vanilla, then I take a look at a "Normal" vanilla relationship, and wonder if we are even on the same planet.

There are very few decisions that I make on my own, and even when I do, it's when he has told me to (just call me Miss Independent).
My hair is how he likes it
my clothes are what he approves of
the food I cook is what he wants (never mind the rice. Damn the rice)
I maintain my body in a manner that pleases him
I think of that body in terms of it being his far more than I see it as mine
as easy going as he seems on the surface, he's actually quite strict--but that is our "normal"
I don't question the plugs, the golden showers, the enemas, the restraint, the slaps
I accept that his are the only limits I have
I accept that he decides if anyone else touches me, and he is free to explore with other women if he so chooses
the list could go on and on...
In fact, having spent my entire adult life with him (beginning several years before I technically hit that landmark), I don't know any other way to be besides his.

I think that it's easy to fall into the thought that D/s and M/s are the same as kinky fun.
Really, there's only so much kinky shit two people can do with kids in the home 24/7.
And that's where I fall into comfortably thinking that we live in the shallow end of possibility. The thing is...Ttwd is not always defined by actions alone. It can be a mindset and an approach to life with another human being.

If slavery means picking up the dirty laundry next to the basket, or being whipped to tears
if slavery means making decisions I don't want to, and accepting responsibility for things I don't want to be responsible for, all the while accepting his word as final in all things
if slavery means baring my soul and giving him access to every private thought
if I accept that my slavery is whatever he says it is
then I am well and truly further down the rabbit hole than I every thought to go.

I couldn't pick out the exact moment when the shift was made
I couldn't tell you when
or how
I stopped being his submissive
and became his slave.

But I do know that I accept ttwd to be whatever he says it is. And that itself is my slavery.

I need You

I originally posted this here. I had it saved in my drafts folder though, and figured it was time for a bit of blog cleaning. Plus, it fits my current mood.

I need You to pull me in with that soft kiss 

and gentle caress.

Lure me down with Your hand in my hair

and that particular touch of infinite care.

I need You to

unleash Yourself on me and set the Beast free.

Take me to my knees

make me

whatever You want me to be.

Push me over the edge and into the abyss

with Your raging kiss.

Down that road through blood sweat and years

Far beyond my fears

washing them away with my tears.

I need You to momentarily
rip away my humanity
to strip away the superficial.
to bury Yourself in my body
and roam through my mind.

I need You to flow through my soul
tearing away all thought and everything I am not.
Force me to my knees and smile quietly in the face of my screams
as I rest at your feet.

Take me outside of the lines
where the only word I hear is "Mine"
where we exist
outside of time.

D/s Without Punishment?

A question on one of my old posts brought the concept of punishment to the forefront of my mind again. Specifically, how our D/s works without it.

In all honesty, there are still days when I miss punishment. Or more accurately, I miss the absolution and sense of having a clean slate that punishment brings.

In the spring of last year, he announced that punishment would no longer be a part of our dynamic. I may have had a minor meltdown. "You can't have D/s without punishment?! Now I know you're doing it wrong!"
Yea...I even tested the waters a bit. You know, see if he could be provoked into a retraction. Nope. He stuck to his decision like glue. I swear I went through withdrawals.

No punishment doesn't mean that I get away with anything that wasn't allowed before. It's just...Different.

Being the logical man that he is, Alpha patiently explained his reasoning while I panicked and bounced off the walls like a deflating balloon.
He wants me to submit because I need to, because I want to, because of a sense of personal motivation on my part; not because of threat of punishment.
He said that there's enough punishment in the world, without having it in our relationship. Plus, I am apparently quite good at self-punishment. Too bad it comes without the sense of absolution...

I have adapted, and I can see the point and value in his perspective--I am responsible for my own behavior. If I need to be Dominated, I will submit. If I know better, then I should be better. He doesn't feel that it's his job to force me to submit every time I balk at something.

It's not to say that there are not consequences, or that I get to do whatever I want. There is often instant discipline if I step over the line, but he refuses to call it punishment.
There is also the painful fact that one of the terrible side effects of D/s is that his disappointment is utterly crushing.
Seriously, wanna see full grown Little Miss Independent turn into a quivering ball of tears? Catch me in that moment after he says he's disappointed in me.

I miss the sense of absolution that punishment brings. But I also now see the sense in holding myself responsible for my actions as opposed to expecting him to do it for me.

I want to be his and am willing to do whatever is necessary for that to be our reality. Because it is who I am, and I need it. Punishment is ultimately unnecessary for us to accomplish that.  

There are many healthy and fully functioning D/s relationships that utilize punishment. I think that there are also more D/s relationships than people realize, which do not have punishment as part of the dynamic.

In some odd, and perhaps twisted way, withholding punishment becomes a punishment in and of itself--there will be no absolution to look forward to after I fuck up, there will be no pain to wash it all away. There will be bitter disappointment, and the knowledge that I did wrong.

Since this post originated with a question, I think now would be a good time to add that no punishment doesn't mean no pain.
Sometimes I need that beating, the pain and absolution that washes the weight of life away. And I get it. It just does not come in the form of punishment.

Alpha has many responsibilities. One of those is helping me to be what he expects me to be by creating an environment where I desire to submit to him.
Ultimately, this is a consensual arrangement, and I am responsible for exhibiting the kind of behavior that I know makes our arrangement function well.

Taking punishment out of our dynamic was his way of ensuring that my submission always comes from an inner desire and need to please him, not fear of repercussions.

He is still just as patient and strict as ever, perhaps more so. Above all else, he expects that I will do my best to please him. It is a simple and all-encompassing expectation that is not always easy to accomplish. But I try. Because this is who I am, and he is what I need.

Even though this is quite the ramble, I have a feeling that I somehow managed to leave a lot out...

Try Try, and Fall Again

While I do think that everyone needs a certain degree of appreciation for relationships to be happy, I try really hard to stay away from the mindset that he is supposed to acknowledge my efforts. Because really, submission is much more about following that cardinal rule of pleasing him, than it is about what he will do for me if I please him.

I have apparently fallen quite short on the pleasing him aspect lately.

I don't spend much time writing about our arguments. For one, I really only think about them while they're happening, and him reading it never seems to help. For two, it doesn't happen very often. And for three, I think that there is a tendency for well meaning readers to blow things out of proportion.

That being said,we had an argument.

I feel like he doesn't appreciate me.
That may or may not be true to one extent or another.

He thinks that I'm mean.
I am sure that none of you have noticed my scathing silver tongue. Apparently, he doesn't appreciate it.

I said that I feel like he only notices when I screw up, not when I get it right, and that it doesn't seem to matter how hard I try--all that matters are my shortcomings (so it probably wasn't stated that eloquently).
His response was that I don't actually care about anything that he does--I pay him polite lip service, but am otherwise uninterested.

To say that I was shocked would be an understatement. It is true that I am usually not at all interested in doing what he does for a living, and we are often fascinated by completely different things, but I am interested in what he does. I am interested in what makes him happy. I am interested in things that wouldn't otherwise interest me simply because they are of consequence to him.

Do you know what started it all? Hold on to your hats, this one's a doozy:
I asked him why he hardly got any rice for dinner, and his response was,
drum-roll.....
"After 15 years of eating rice every night, I'm just kind of tired of it."
I have not fed him rice every night for 15 years.

Uh huh, it all went downhill from there. Fueled quite nicely by the fact that the kids decided it would be a good night to raise hell and be thoroughly disagreeable.

Clearly, we reserve our arguments for the really important issues in life.

I think though, that sometimes things that are really bothering us come out when we are focussing on minor irritations.
I do feel unappreciated.
He feels that that I don't care about what he does or wants to do, and that I only hear the criticisms.

I feel like I try so friggin hard to be a good girl, to be pleasing, to make him happy.
Yet...
He finds me unkind and disobedient. And that doesn't make him happy.

And somehow we come back to the beginning--motivation matters.
I want to feel appreciated, but I don't want to be that woman who submits for the reward. Because for me, that's not really submission.
Though to know that I have pleased, that is a reward I crave.

Sometimes I feel like the harder I try, the worse I do.



And just because I couldn't keep it to myself...

This had me sputtering in my coffee.

Back to Basics

Whips,
chains,
floggers,
cuffs,
knives,
plugs,
the list is practically endless.

But really, underneath all of the trappings and toys, our D/s about control, power, and trust. It is about basic desires, and fundamental human needs.
It's about the fact that he ultimately controls all of the above. For both of us.

Yes, he controls the cut of my hair, the underwear I do or do not wear, the places I go, etc. But I think that it's the control over the basic little things about being human that has the biggest impact.

All that other stuff with it's pretty toys? It's just the trappings.

It all starts with the basics. Working our way up the hierarchy of needs, with everything else being somewhat extraneous.

While I'm not entirely sure about the organization and content of this pyramid, it will do

I think that ultimately, our D/s revolves around feeding and control of these needs. The foundation of the pyramid is all about the basics.
To one extent or another, he controls my pyramid from the bottom up.

The basics are the foundation on which everything else is built. It's the little things, the simple things, the common and undeniable needs, that set the groundwork for control of everything else.

There are many things that we can all live without, there are things which greatly increase our quality of life, and there are things without which, we die.

Much like everything else in life, at its core, D/s is really very much about the basics.