Winter is coming...

My month can pretty much be summed up with one illustration:

Except that coffee hasn't made it better

This image has to be familiar to someone else out there...

The good news is that Alpha is working. The bad news is, it's cold.

An early freeze precipitated the harvest of 150 pounds of green tomatoes. So those bags are all over my house until ripe and processed. It's only been a day and the clutter is driving me mad.
Winter is coming, and I don't think that she is going to be kind...

Be Careful What You Wish For

I know that I have comments to respond to, but the computer is running frustratingly slow. I'll get to them soon.

A while back, I read something that got me to thinking...
Be careful what you wish for because you just might get it. Then I read a comment on another blogger's post, and the thoughts floating around in my muddled brain finally had to seek release.

It's so true you know. And I think that the panic of having got what one asked for, occurs a lot in relationships where the submissive partner has asked to incorporate D/s into a previously vanilla marriage.

You want him to really Dominate you, you want him to be consistent, you spend time cultivating his Dominance, and encouraging him to really take the reins. You want more--you need more.

Then one morning you wake up. And you realize that there's no going back, that you unleashed a monster, and that monster now rules your existence. And it's not just me who has had this experience!

Often, subs seem pleased about this turn of events, because it means that the relationship has successfully developed into some form of power exchange. Of course, it is also means that things don't go according to one's own plans--they now go according to his.

Then, there are the times when subs seem genuinely unhappy about said turn of events--they got what they asked for, but it didn't come in the form they had imagined; therefor, he surely has it all wrong, and this whole D/s thing isn't going to work because he's clearly not doing it right.

That's a laughable approach to D/s.
I think that people find themselves in that place when they don't really think through what they have asked for, and what the reality of it might look like.

That's not to say Dominants are perfect because they are Dominant. Oh no, they too are flawed members of the human race, and they do screw up. But when someone has asked you to explore a new path, to express repressed parts of yourself, to lead in a whole new way, there is no confidence killer quite like consistent criticisms of doing it wrong. Especially when they come from the person who asked for it all in the first place.

So be careful what you wish for. Because when you are wishing to be the s in a D/s relationship, getting what you asked for means that your Dominant will be getting his way. And if you set the beast free, you must be prepared to feed it.

Sometimes I wonder...

Sometimes I wonder if there was one specific moment in life when you realized that I would do anything you told me to.
I think that to often, we get caught up in the semantics of "Anything". That's how you get sucked into those conversations about limb amputation...
Really though, it's simple--to say that I would do anything he told me to, is a reasonable statement because there are many things that he would never demand.

Sometimes I wonder, and I think that maybe there are times when it's a little bit scary, a little bit glorious, a little bit intoxicating
having a woman on her knees
a woman begging to please
a canvas to explore and paint as you please.

Sometimes I wonder what you are thinking when I crawl to you
knowing that the next moment is all about your command
knowing that I am yours
knowing that you can and will do as you wish.

Sometimes I wonder how you choose the path
how you decide if we go further or rest where we are
how you choose which strings to pull, and which ones to cut.

Sometimes I wonder what the view is like from the top
always knowing that my view from the bottom
is the perspective that I was always meant to have.

It's Been A While..

So, it's been a while since I wrote in my book. Okay, a long while.
Yesterday, on his way out the door, he said that he wanted to see it.
Oh...He knows I haven't been writing in it, because I'm supposed to bring it to him every day. The last entry was dated December 2012.
Here's the thing. The stupid thing.
I quite because it was one of those things that I decided wasn't important to him. Iknow, Iknow--not my decision to make.
I felt like there was a million rules that could all be summed up with one, but here I am writing down some of them every day and having him check on them.
The thing is...It was never meant to be comprehensive. It was is meant to remind me of the things I tend to forget, and keep my focus on submission in daily life. Because really, I could spend days writing down all of the rules, or a moment summing them all up in one phrase.

I did an entry yesterday, and offered it to him this morning. He asked if I really wanted him to have all day to think about it, or if I would prefer a slightly less calculated approach to paying up after he looks at it. Yea, I'll hand it over tonight.

I think that, (hi tori) there is always ebb and flow in any dynamic.
For all of its incredible resilience, the human body is a delicate creation, and adjustments must be made to accommodate its finicky nature. Mine has not been terribly good to me lately, and one of the side effects is hormonal disturbances that make PMS look like a stroll in the park.
So reins were loosened, and adjustments were made. Because really, no one wants their sub going batshit crazy, right?

I know I have said this before, but I need that--the space to flounder and attempt to deal with new realizations and accept new turns in the road. But that space has a finite life of usefulness. And when it's over, there is always bit more control in our dynamic than there was before.

We are coming around to the end of this current lenience, and I can feel the reins tightening in subtle ways.

The book? The book coming back was a not-so-subtle reminder that there are only limits on how he chooses to use his control over me, and how far he decides to take it.

It's been a while since I wrote in that book. And there is sure to be a hefty fee paid in the balancing.
I could lie and say that I'm not nervous, but what would be the point in that?

Beyond Willing

I was reading a post that mouse wrote today, and I started to think about that moment in time which occasionally occurs, when I hate him. Not true hate per say, but in that moment, I really don't like him for what he is doing.
Whether it is that one smack of the belt after which each strike is agony, or sucking cock with a migraine (in all fairness, he is thankfully fairly considerate of that one), or longer, more pain, more of whatever it is when it becomes just too much...

Whatever the activity, when it is pushed to a certain point, sometimes I feel resentment, anger, dislike, I hate that he's making me do it...
But there is something to be said for pushing beyond that.
He knows that in that moment, I don't like him.
But he does it anyways.
He pushes me beyond where I'm ready to call him names it quits
and something happens in that place.

Everything else disappears.

There is no want, or do not want
there is no "I will, or will not"
there is no "me", there is only "his"
there is no more outside world
there is only his will
and in that moment
everything that I am exists only to serve and fulfill his will.

It has been a while since he pushed me like that.
Tricky isn't it, knowing when to push and when not to? Because I sure as hell am rarely capable of knowing for myself.
I haven't been very stable lately, and he is one to err on the side of caution (which is one of the reasons why we work so well).

But there is something to be said for that place of complete surrender. And sometimes, the only way I can get there, is to go beyond where I am willing.

Dear World...

It feels like I haven't been here in ages...It's been one of those weeks that just won't end. In fact, the calendar is telling me that it is now a whole new week. I find that doubtful because last week is still going...

I probably shouldn't complain. Alpha has steady work for a while, which is awesome, and the kids are both healthy enough to be evil.
But...

Oh where to begin? Perhaps I'll begin with complaints, and segue elegantly into other issues.

We got the car back from the mechanic this week. The car that we had lent to Thing1. To say it put me in a bad mood would be an understatement. Anything that could have been broken on it was. Door handles, front and back windshields, lights, a multitude of mechanical issues, holes in the gas tank, glove box, etc. The body is beat to shit--there's not one undamaged panel on the whole car.
And the interior. Oh. My. Fucking. God. The interior...I have never in my life cleaned something so filthy, and I have cleaned some truly awful stuff.
Car is now on the road at a painful price, and you can sit in it without cringing and feeling like you need to scrub off your skin. Though if anyone has any great ideas about how to get motor oil (or something similar??) out of upholstery, I'm all ears.
I spent a couple of days being little miss fix it. Did you know that you can rub soap on a leaking gas tank and make it home? Rather unpleasant, but quite a neat trick...

And then there's soccer and chess. Lots of it. Did I mention that my car spent the week breaking, which is what precipitated  our need for the other one?
And my poor little guy has the meanest and most biased soccer coach I have ever met in my life.

There's snow on the mountains. Seriously, wasn't it just winter?!

We currently have no sex life. Apparently it's only fun to force someone who is at least moderately willing upon occasion.

Cue the music for my biggest issue of the week...

In all seriousness, I asked Alpha what he wanted from me.
And in all seriousness, he replied, "The unattainable."
Yea...It's a wonderful feeling.

I feel like that should be written in neon and broadcast across the fucking sky. It looks so small in it's tiny black print and small white page...And the irony of that feeling is not lost on me.


Know what? I gotta go crawl back under the car because the patch Alpha put on the gas tank is leaking. Probably best that Thing1 moved 1,000 miles away...

Little Epiphanies

I had walked away from attempting to write a blog post, when standing in my living room, I had one of those little epiphany things.
For the first time, I realized how huge slavery is in my life.
It has become so deeply insinuated into who I am, that there are times I have actually thought it wasn't there.
Because slavery is so much more than my image of it implied.

Have no doubt, my fantasy of slavery is hot
it is me on my knees begging to please
it is all those things that turn me on
it is surrender of flesh, mind, and soul,
it is dangerous and sweet
it is achingly and painfully, exquisite beyond belief.

Some days, that is the form slavery takes.

But it couldn't really take that form if not for all those little moments every day. Moments which create the space for that fantasy to make appearances in reality.

M/s is in the food I cook, the condition I keep the house, the choices I make, and the way I keep my hair.
M/s exists in the way he strokes my face, the tone of his voice when he speaks to me, the intent behind each touch of his hand, and the day-to-day life that we live.
Ms winds beneath the surface of all that we are like a river--always nourishing even when it flows unseen below the earth.

And some days, M/s prompts insane urges to please that incite unreasonable behavior. Like attempting to make crepes in a pan that has no handle...It might work...