Favorites of 2013

Chess camp has eaten my life, (Ithinkihatechessithinkihatechessithinkihatechess) but I put this post together throughout the year, and it would be remiss of me to miss posting it before the next year rolls around. I compiled this list over the course of the year, and I almost forgot to post it.

There are a few posts that were not written this year, and you will see a couple of authors pop up more than once, but hey, I read them all this year and some posts are just that awesome.

I couldn't find an actual title for this one, but this particular post was written by cat, of Be Pleasing Always. I found it to be incredibly hot...

Patience, from cat of Be Pleasing Always. This post says so much of what I have been learning this year, and I think it's an incredibly valuable and wonderful approach to submission.
I know that's two from cat, but how could I resist?

A Temple, This one is from Bleuame at L'heure Bleu. I was never able to form eloquent thoughts about this post, but I truly loved it. This was one of those posts that has really made a difference in my life, and I'm still pondering it.

My Most Important Job ,Written by Sir J of What Does It Mean To Be Dominant? it's just an awesome post.

"But What of Love?" Written by Her Liege at Her Liege. I have often mused on the impact of love on ttwd...

Service Sub Written by Morningstar at The Journey. This post is a wonderfully realistic take on service, and I enjoyed it immensely.

Whose Body is This?  By P Surren & E Surren at The Power of Surrender. I guess the whole body image thing is kind of a running theme for me, but I really liked the post and I enjoyed reading both perspectives.

Dominants: it starts with you, posted by Michael at The Journey. I just really loved this post, and I think it's a totally awesome look at how successful Dominance works. I'm inclined to believe all prospective Dominants should read this one.

I discovered this lovely little gem, at My Trousers Rolled. That post...It is a poignant and perfect expression of something that I have never been able to properly verbalize in any format.

grateful, by Greengirl at What I Wonder. What can say other than it's lovely, and it made me smile.

Safe Without A Word, written by Kaya of Under His Hand. I think that any submissive who has dealt with an injury can understand this feeling, and she said it so well...

Little Things, from For the Love of a Submissive. Because I liked it.

When Love and Hate Collide, By tori at Pain's Pleasure. Because it's a truth that is difficult to put into words, and I think she did so splendidly.

Kaya did it again with Fear, posted at Submissive Guide. Because that's it, that feeling of needing to take the burden from him in whatever form that taking might be...

Untitled post another one from Her Liege. Just because it's exquisite.

I hope that some of you have a chance to check out these lovely posts, and that you enjoy them as much as I did. Let me know what you think!

Remorse

I despise the first two days of my period, and not just because I feel like Freddy Krueger's throwing a celebration inside my skin while my head implodes. No, it's also because I have this awful feeling of remorse. It's a sensation which I go to great lengths to avoid. I did not turn in the $120 I found in the milk cooler last month because I'm a good person, nope. It was because remorse and guilt are two of my least favorite emotions.

So it's really a terrible truth for me that I'm a raging bitch the week before my period. Yes, it has gotten better over the years, yes our hierarchy helps control it, and yes, it is a hormonal storm a bit beyond the norm because, well because my hormones come from their own special level of hell.
Before you ask, yes it is warm there and yes, that is the alternate dimension where some idiot lets me wield the whips and chains. And yes, in the midst of the moment, I believe everything that I just said.

Then the storm abates leaving me curled up on the couch, cringing at the sight of the destruction left in its wake, and feeling something which Alpha informs me is commonly known as remorse.

The fall is really a rather spectacular display of extremes.

I just spent a week in constant trouble spinning on the edge of acceptable behavior and not really caring what he thinks (she cringes), and now suddenly...All I want is to curl up at his feet, to know that I have pleased, for him to be happy with me, and to feel that I am where I belong.

Ah remorse. It really is a bitch.

Killing Turkey...?

Alpha caught me...I play a bit of a Grinch come this time of year, sneaky $%^*^& that he is, he called me on it, and accused me of being excited about Christmas. How dare he! She says before sneaking off to slip on her super comfy Grinch pants and stare at the tree.

I haven't cooked a turkey in years. Lots of years. And as I peer doubtfully at the suspiciously rock-like turkey in my sink, I am doubting the wisdom of doing so now. I am 90% sure that it will be defrosted by tomorrow. Never mind that I had dreams about scraping frozen guts out of it...

There was a time when our house was full for holidays. Not anymore. It'll just be us and my mom this year. But one of the things I picked up from my mother in law, was going all out, no matter how many are celebrating. So I'll be making double layer chocolate cream pie, cherry crisp, deviled eggs for the devil, and among other things, a 16 pound turkey which I may have to kill again if it doesn't soften up here soon.

The house is clean, the tree is well stocked, and the kids are healthy (for now. Another night like last night and well...)
Really, I'm soaking up the holiday feeling of semi-relaxation before my week of driving and cursing Those Who Should Never Drive On Mountain Roads In Snow.

Now I had better go exercise...That pie isn't going to eat itself tomorrow.

A Morning Much Like Any Other

It's a quiet morning here. Too cold to snow, the sun shines across the valley with echoes of warmth not quite achieved. He's playing chess, and I'm contemplating wrapping presents while the boys aren't here.
The house is cold and quiet, except for the familiar sounds of the radio, its familiar DJ introducing songs and going on about the weather.
Yet, there is an unusual quiet beneath the soft drone in the background.

A quiet of expectation and possibility.
Of anticipation and promise.
Like a current underneath the surface, this is not an empty quiet.
It is a soft quiet with hard edges, a step from the edge.
A quiet with depths as yest unseen.

It is an unassuming morning, much like any other. Except that here soon, I will shower, paying special attention to details. He cares about the details. He will notice each line where the razor missed a hair, the scent of...Everywhere.
The details matter because later, he will spread me wide and explore every single inch with a critical and attentive eye.

It is an unassuming morning, much like any other. Yet there is promise in the air. Promise that comes only when beautiful day and deviant night collide to make a glorious new dawn.

Image source unknown

He Really Crossed the Line This Time

Really, he did! Though, he of course, would argue that one can't cross a line that that they move at will, and perhaps I'm just slow on the uptake...Whatever, he's not always right.

I was mad you see, and he made me not mad. I can't even remember what I was pissed off about, but I do remember being ordered to not be angry.

"Um, excuse me? I have a legitimate right to be illegitimately angry. You can't just order me not to feel a certain way--I have a right to my thoughts and feelings!"

Then he said bossy things to me and made me laugh. Suddenly, I was honestly not at all mad anymore, which sucked because I do think I have a legitimate right to feel however I feel, and I don't think that he should be able to order my feelings around like that.

Yea...I read that that stupid sounding run on sentence too.

I just...He's done it a few times now, and I think that I'm entitled to my feelings, I mean, he has occasionally ordered them around, but his doing so didn't actually change them. Until lately.

I have this idea that if he wants to change my feelings, he doesn't think that they are valid. That's it, I want to know that he believes my feelings are valid. It's not even that I mind him ordering my feelings around, so much as I mind the thought that he might think they aren't important because they are occasionally less than desirable.

Being told what to do or not do, is a lot different than being told what to feel or not feel. My emotions can be...Overwhelming. At the right time, I might literally cry over spilled milk and consider doing so to be  perfectly  reasonable. Until I look back in retrospect, which is when it seems silly and stupid, but it really was how I felt in that moment. So perhaps those particular feelings aren't entirely valid, or in the least bit reasonable, but they are mine!

Maybe I'm just jealous because my feelings have never obeyed me. Much like my body, now that I think about it...

Still, I say that I have a legitimate right to feel illegitimately angry. According to him, he has a legitimate right to do as he pleases with me and my crazy emotions. Bastard.

Tis the Season...

I'm sitting here, alone with that first glorious cup of coffee, wondering why I feel the need to blog every day. Even if I don't really have anything to say. I think it's because I have this irrational fear that if I stop, even for a moment, all inspiration will immediately dry up and vanish, and I'll never write anything again.
But the coffee is good.

We're dropping the boys off with my mom tomorrow, and I'm finding myself to be quite nervous already. Remind me again why I want time alone with that big scary man?
I've really been struggling with this whole tightening of the reins thing. I figure that I'm due one of those epic splats that I do so spectacularly well.

I keep telling myself that

But...I like comfort! Oh yea, I want a man that pushes the limits, that's too much for me, that wants to take me further than I'm willing to go. Ha! Ongoing moment of insanity that one. I'm having growing pains in a big way.

I'm kind of dreading the week after Christmas...I volunteer as an assistant coach at the boys chess club, and I was able to get them both into a five day chess camp. For the small cost of coaching a group of ten or so little kids during said camp (trust me, I'm actually getting a great deal here). But..It's five days of driving to town very day. That's about fifteen hours of drive time...And children are really much cooler when you can take them out to the car and turn them over your knee...
It is interesting to me how few women/girls seem to play chess. Of all the kids I work with, there's only one girl. I do wonder why that is...

I'm afraid that Thing1 is going to try calling on Christmas...Thing2 was playing message girl the other day, "Thing1 says she loves you guys!" I ignored it. Inside I'm thinking, "We love her too. Doesn't change a damn thing". There is no going back over the lines she crossed, and she knows it. There will be no happy reunion or mending of family fences. Meh meh.

Now that we have that out of the way...

Did I mention that I'm having terrible growing pains? The man's making me claustrophobic. I wanna kick him in the shins and run away.
And just in case anyone gets any bright ideas about logic...

Haha!

The Dom Handbook

He was building a fire (which is sexy because everyone hates being cold), so I was already at a slight disadvantage...


"And to think that you were going to leave me because I was too controlling."
"Hey, that year/situation was not all me!"
"No, it was not. It was you and that damn shot."
"Wtf? You played a part in it all too." 

Now at an even greater disadvantage because he's looming over me with his hand tangled in my hair... 
 
"Do you remember why you got the shot in the first place? Because we were having sex all the time, and we were afraid you'd get pregnant again."
"Uh...No, I don't remember that..."
 "Then everything went to shit after you got that shot. So it was you and the shot. I had maybe a teensy weensy part."

A point he illustrated with an annoying finger measurement, suspiciously close to my nose...

 Now sitting firmly on the high horse exclusive to those with the self-righteous surety of knowing that someone else is doing it wrong, I informed him that, "Everybody knows Doms are supposed to take responsibility for their actions! It says so in the Dom handbook!"

 *Smirk*
"I wrote the handbook."

 *Pause*
 
"Can I read it?" 
I try to never miss an opportunity....

"Lol."
"Um...It was an honest question..."
"You're living it."
"I'm an experiment!?!"