Just...Off...

We have been at ttwd for long enough for it to be always there in the undercurrents of our lives, no matter the distractions of the outside world.

But...

I'm concerned that the focus is fading faster than I can grasp at it. Admittedly, the craziness of everything that is happening was kicked off while I was taking care of my mom, but it's not flowing back in like I had hoped it would.

And I have to make a decision which could end in me working full time as well. When I was working I had an incredibly difficult time switching out of work mode and back into "His" mode. If I applied and was accepted for the position, we'd  both be working. A lot.

Here we are, still at home, with me only working two days a month, and I feel like I've already lost my mojo. I mean, not that it was spectacularly on point to begin with, but still...

Believe it or not, I do have some D/s related thoughts floating in my drafts folder, but of course they are of the shit-storm inducing kind...I'm normally always up for a spirited debate, but I just don't have room in my head to provide arguments that support my opinions at the moment, so it will sit for a while.

Random (Not So) Internal Debates

I henna'd my hair again last night, and I would just like to say that the prospect of a day of laziness on the couch because my head is covered in goop, now sounds much better than "sleeping" with it on, lol.

I have to go to work today.
I realize that I'm going to have to pay more attention to what I post here. We have always been very private people, but he will be moving into the public eye more, and I'm going to have to adapt to that on many different levels.
I seriously wonder why my house looks like a bomb went off in it after only two days of not cleaning it. And really, what's with the instantaneous lack of towels, clean or otherwise?
I have a doctor's appointment in a week or so, and I'm really hoping that he's not as keen on removing everything as the last doctor was.
I have a big decision to make. It's one of those stupid life-changing ones that I have to make on my own, which could affect his job and it's eating all of my brain power that might otherwise be applied elsewhere.

Speaking of decisions that he won't help me with, this whole slave thing is friggin complicated! I don't want to make the stupid decision myself. Then there are some decisions that I'd like to make, but nope...Where is that magical unicorn and rainbow laden world where I get to live mindlessly chained to the bed? Humph.

Wanders off to think excessively...

Sixteen Years In

Can you believe that we've been together for sixteen years already?
I'd like to say that it's been sixteen years of wedded bliss, but you'd probably end up choking on your coffee and there would be no year seventeen. Plus there's that whole silly rule about being truthful and all...

Still though...

 
I love you.
There have been moments wherein I hated you.
You have inspired my passion and my rage like no one else on this earth.
You are my dreams, my reality, all that I ever wished to have.

I am your property, your slave, the being who always comes to rest on her knees at your feet.
We are the dream team of two, you and I.
You are my fantasies, you complete me and fill in the spaces in my soul that I never even knew could be whole.

You make me confront the darkness in my soul and accept myself as a whole.
You have seen me at my best, at my very worst, and every place in between
You have been willing to dance with my demons and offer me freedom in your possession.

For every moment in my life that has really and truly mattered, you have been there.
You have loved me when I wasn't worth loving, in times when I couldn't even love myself.
You know me in ways that no one on earth could ever comprehend or achieve.

You are amazing. I count myself as lucky and blessed to be yours. I am thankful every day that you are my life.

I am grateful. Thank you.

You are amazing. Life with you is amazing. The things you have done for me are amazing.

 Yours always, in all ways.

Love is Crazy

Love is crazy.

To fall in love is an act of insanity. We'll bleed for it, pine for it, define ourselves by it, kill and die, lie cheat and steal...We will perform amazing and beautiful acts of kindness...We will exhibit the vast range of human behavior, from loathsome to lovely.

All just for that one little human sensation we call love.

The really amazing thing about love, is that regardless of it's outcome, longevity, or context, to have known it is a blessing.

Love can be consuming in a manner comparable only to fear...

I mean, it's crazy right?

We keep going back for more because it is the potential for heartache that makes love so precious. Love in all its forms. Not just the insanity that is being in love, but even the way love makes your heart rise and ache at the same time on a sunny morning. Just from love of the morning.

Love is that consuming fucking yearning in your heart, for a person, a moment, a ray of sunshine in the middle of winter, a good book by a warm fire, the sinking in your heart when something you love dies.
It is the one emotion that can both encompass and create all other feelings. It is messy and illogical, sometimes it crawls out from beneath the filth covered in blood, other times it's like a guiding light towards home.

Love is wanting to wake up every morning, it is crazy and imperfect and messy. Just like humanity. And as such, what better way to express ourselves than with the love of...What we love.

It's still crazy though. Love is as simple as the dirt beneath our feet and as infinitely complicated as the human mind. Love is the pain of loss, and the currency with which we count our life's costs.

Surprise or Anticipation?

It pains me greatly to say this, but I've had to turn the image verification on for comments. I'm getting 50 spam comments a day on my I Want My Husband to Dominate Me post, and they're driving me bonkers. I'll try and turn it off again soon. I tend to feel like you shouldn't really have to work to leave a comment since you took the time to out of your day to say something here...

So, Misty was kind enough to offer me some writing fodder, and asked if I preferred anticipation or surprise, or if my preferences were situation dependent.

Hmmmm...It's kind of situation dependent.

I mean, in the moment, I love anticipation. If it's more of a long term thing, like say, hours (Iknowlol), I'm not a big fan.

I kind of like not knowing what's coming. In the moment, there's nothing quite as hot as waiting for...Odd for me, I suppose, since patience isn't my strong point, but this kind of waiting isn't optional, and that lack of options is hot too--knowing something is coming and there's not a damn thing I can do about it.

Surprise though...Dunno, it feeds that part of me that gets off on the rush, that little fear junky who needs her fix...Surprises can be so deliciously scary...Yea, I like surprises too. Just not so much in day-to-day life. I prefer my surprises to be confined to D/s stuff.

Image source unknown

When He Screws Up, A Dominant's Mistake

This post is not meant to be mean. It was not written to criticize anyone in particular, or anyone who's views on submission do not match my own. It is written with my own past experiences in mind. The last eight or so years have given me a perspective that I did not always have. And sometimes, it's difficult and ridiculous to censor one's perspective.

I think it is also important to note that I am coming at this from the perspective of a committed 24/7 D/s relationship, which I believe necessitates this particular view.

The first time in D/s when he well and truly screws up, your faith is shaken, you think that maybe he doesn't really have it in him, and you're sure that he's just gone and done it so bad that you couldn't possibly surrender completely anymore.

Ooh, look at the bird! Think I'll follow it for a minute...

The only reason you think that you can't surrender completely, "Any more" is because you hadn't really surrendered completely in the first place. Dominants, for all that they are, also must exist as humans with all of the shortcomings inherent in our species.

So this road is new and wonderful, it offers you new heights and experiences that fantasies are made of. You find a faith in your Dominant that you previously never knew existed.

Then one day he screws up. You know it. He knows it. Your faith is shaken, how can you go on knowing that he did something wrong?
Simple really--you agreed to submit, you agreed to be his. And you do just that.

He screwed up, so what? Shit happens. It's not an excuse to push for your way, or something you lord over him to challenge his leadership.

This is not an arrangement of convenience, this is not a relationship of "If you do this then I'll...", this is not something you walk away from simply because your faith has been challenged. It is a commitment to a way of life, a person, a relationship, a state of being. You are either in, or you are out.

I feel like I see a lot of new subs holding mistakes over their Dominants heads. As if those mistakes automatically give them the right to challenge his leadership because, well, after all--he did screw up. I find that to be one of the most irritating forms of topping from the bottom.

I'm not saying that just because he's Dominant means it's okay for him to run around being a dickhead, but mistakes are an inevitable aspect of being human. If you use every falter in his stride against him, you're not actually in a D/s relationship--you are existing on your own terms, not his.
It's a hell of a lot easier for a Dominant to make decisions if he knows that those decisions aren't going to be challenged at every turn.

Submission isn't about what you like, it's not about doing what you want, getting your way, or even always being happy with the choices he makes--it's about relinquishing control to another person. And you aren't always going to be delighted with the choices that person makes. They aren't even always going to be the right choices. But the point is that those decisions are theirs to make.

A submissive simply cannot live a D/s relationship on their own terms. Such an approach is contrary to the very concept of power exchange. If you want to explore Dominance and submission on your own terms, call it what it is--a kink. And while there is nothing at all wrong with that, it is quite different than living as a submissive.

Addendum:
The first comment on this post (thank you mc kitten) brought to my attention the fact that I had overlooked a very important aspect of this whole "He screwed up" thing.
What happens afterwards. Taking responsibility for one's actions is important, especially as a Dominant. And such things as apologies are not a somehow mystical and impossible occurence like finding gold at the end of the rainbow.
How he handles his mistakes matters, and admitting that they happened is important. No one is always right.

It's Good To Be Back

It was so good to wake up at home that I decided to do it at 3:30 this morning. Okay, so it wasn't a conscious decision, but the dog got me up, then I started thinking, then it got light, then there was morning sex which just had to be followed with coffee...

I feel like I have a lot to write, but really, I gots nothing. Except of course, those things that keep a person up at three AM--kiddo's chess camp, paying grandma's bills, trying to renew our medical insurance, the thought of moving somewhere I've never even seen...All quite boring really.

Did I mention how damn good it is to be home? It's good to be owned too, even if I did forget to pee in the damn cup this morning.

I feel like I have a whirlwind of thoughts and words pent up inside, but when I go to put them to page...Nothing. But I have missed it here. This place, you lovely ladies who visit, the thoughts and ideas...

So yea, ideas. It's going to take me a bit to get back into the swing of things. If anyone has any post suggestions, toss them my way. I would love to write about something actually related to D/s lol.

The good thing about waking up before the crack of dawn though, is getting to enjoy my favorite coffee. My mom wasn't quite as good as the kids--she insisted on not only talking to me before coffee, but actually asking me things! Shudder*