Foundations and Their Maintenance

Tori was kind enough to offer me some writing fodder on my last post. After this I'll be fresh out of ideas again, so...Help? I know there's enough of you out there to offer me some kind of inspiration!

Tori asked:
"In your opinion, of course, what do you consider the most important foundations on which your relationship is built on in relation to it being M/s, and how does one maintain those foundations?"

My first thought was, "I like this question!" then, after thinking for a little bit, I found it a tad more complicated than it first appeared.
I think that the key here for me is my relationship. Because I think that, while such foundations often have many similarities, they will differ from person to person.

Bear with me here, this might become a bit of a ramble (I could say "Bare with me" but I'd probably get in trouble for offering to share nakedness).

I really didn't want to say trust, because it seems rather cliche, you know? Luckily for me, tori is a smart lady and made the question plural--nothing as complex as the supporting stones of a relationship can be reduced to any one thing.
So, I would have to say that, for me, the most important foundations that our relationship is built on in relation to M/s are trust, knowing, transparency, faith, and D/s.

I trust that he will never do anything he thinks will cause our relationship or myself irrevocable harm. This trust allows me to follow where he leads--without it, we would never have gone as far into the abyss as we have.

Knowing...He knows me. Not just superficially, he has known me for over half of my life, and often displays a more in depth knowing of me than I do of myself. While this can be rather irritating at times, it has an enormous impact on our M/s. This knowing has very little to do with my body, (though, don't get me started about how it responds soo much better to him than myself) but he know me. He knows my mind. He knows how I work, what makes me tick, my hatreds and my passions. He knows what I truly abhor, and what I only want  to think that I abhor. And he uses all this knowing to unravel me from the inside out, to bend me to his will, to make me want and need what he wants me to.

Transparency...Now this one is a bit tricky, because it's a one way street. The transparency I speak of is mine--he is not transparent to me. I'm okay with that. The thing is, if I feel like I'm not transparent, I am not...Hmm...I can't surrender all of me if he can't see all of me.
This transparency is key to how we work. If I feel like I am holding anything back from him, then I feel like I'm not really his. It keeps us in the shallows to a surprising extent.

Faith...I debated with myself for a while as to whether this was belief or faith (I will admit to doing a Google search which became frustratingly religious, but did help me clarify my meaning). Belief fits in with what we want to be true--we believe because we want to. Faith is accepting and opening one's mind, it is knowing that whatever will be will be, and going with it regardless of one's preconceived notions.
I have faith in him. In his abilities, his intent, who he is and how he wishes us to be.

D/s...It might seem kind of strange to define D/s as a foundation for M/s, but I think it works. Dominance and submission allows us to experience and live M/s. Without it, there is no M/s, and we could have never gotten to where we are today.

How do we maintain these foundations? Sometimes, not very well. Lol.
In all seriousness though, I think that we maintain them by staying true to the general principles of our foundations. If something feels...Wrong, then we need to look at where we are deviating from being true to ourselves and how our relationship works. It takes time and effort--acknowledging the energy it takes to maintain our personal sanctuary.
The single most solid example of maintaining our foundations is D/s--feeding it in various ways. Dominance and submission maintains our foundations by constantly reminding us of why we have them and the purposes they serve.
As to maintaining D/s itself...Well, still working on that one (slow learner here).

A Need That Only He Can Feed

Once upon a time, a very long time ago in fact, I was searching for something that made me feel real.

To many Pinocchio and princess mixed metaphors?
Ah well, What can I say? Sometimes temptation gets the better of me.

Turns out, for all my running and searching, it was right there under my nose the whole time.

His control.
It quiets my mind, and brings peace to my soul.
It makes me feel alive, and is the one thing that makes everything okay. Even if just for a moment.

I have found that there's very little I actually need in life. His control is one of those things. It brings a stability to my chaotic mind that I just can't seem to find in anything else. It makes me...Okay.

In those moments
when he says that I am his
and I will do whatever he wishes, whenever he wishes it
forever.

For a while, I thought that he had made control my kink. But I was wrong--over time, he has ensured that it is my need. A need that only he can feed.

On a side note, I am terribly low on inspiration these days, so...You know the drill--questions? Answers? Ideas...?

Every Day...

I want to live every day as if it were my last. I mean really live it. Without the fear that comes so commonly to me in contemplation of any journey without you.

I want to breathe you in every day as if you were my last breath, your love my exquisite death.

To bleed for you, 

be for you,

and free the beast inside of you...

To beg for you and bend for you 

to exist

for you...

Have I?

Have I told you lately, that I think you are brilliant at what you do?

Have I told you lately that I think you will be brilliant at anything you put your mind to?

Have I told you lately that, while I am often questioning and skeptical, I support whatever you choose to do?

Have I told you lately that you created some of the most beautiful things I have ever seen?

Have I told you lately how amazing it is that you have made things which will still stand long after we are gone?

Have I reminded you lately that you have already accomplished more than our parents did in a lifetime?

Have I admitted lately that my faith in you is absolute?

Somewhere along the way, some things went wrong

choices were made

the family changed

and life hasn't quite been the same

but that's okay.

I think that perhaps your faith in yourself was shaken

and I have been remiss in reminding you

that you are the person who makes me believe anything is possible

that with you by my side,
I know in my heart there is no achievement to high to reach

that I believe you can be successful at everything, at anything, at whatever your heart desires.

Have I told you lately, that it's okay for dreams to change

and as long as I remain in yours

I will follow you wherever they may lead?

Have I told you lately, that while I am terribly afraid to follow my dreams,

and sometimes I worry that some of yours might be flights of fancy,
I still believe you should do what pleases you?

Sometimes I wish that you could see yourself through my eyes

the man who never falters

never gives up

can live through hell and achieve anything

the man who stands strong when the world falls apart

the man who refuses to compromise his principals for the shortcomings of others

the man who teaches me every day what unconditional love really means.

I know my love, that things are not always as they seem

and lately, there has been a space between us

a small gulf that feels like the endless sea

but I am truly here by your side

always along for the ride

even though sometimes I run and hide

I live to hear your voice calling me

saying

"Mine".

We grow older and become companions to disillusionment

our time here is finite

and that can put life in a slightly bitter light.

But you and I my love

you and I have existed throughout time

where I am yours and you are mine.

The sands of inevitability slip on by

but some things

like you and me

were always meant to be.

Thinking Again...

 This one's about a month old, but the drafts folder has gotten a bit out of hand, so it's Fall cleaning time.
On a completely unrelated note, am I the only person Blogger has erroneously decided isn't actually following any blogs, or is it being a bitch to everyone else too?

So, I have once again been indulging in that dangerous pastime known as thinking. Terrible habit, I know.

There are decisions and life choices which he simply refuses to make me go one way or the other. He says that they are choices I have to make for myself, yet he will often come to the point of expressing a preference one way or another.

Herein lies the conundrum of that approach--since integrating D/s so thoroughly into our lives, I have never made one of those big decisions in favor of the direction he wasn't promoting.

I always ultimately feel compelled to follow his wishes, even if he refuses to phrase them as orders. Only, however, after lengthy self-torment about making the right decision.

I have a work decision to make. It's becoming an obsession, even though time isn't really pressing at the moment.
He clearly wants me to take path A, but won't tell me to do so.
It is becoming painfully obvious through all my obsessing, that I will eventfully take the path he desires. Yet....I still have to obsess about the decision, even having a deep sense of where I will eventually end up.

Why?!?

Why do I always have to take the long and angsty track to everything? It's an annoying trait.

Yet, if I were to tell him today that I choose path A, he would be noncommittal. He would question why I made the choice I did, and insist that I be absolutely sure. Because, yea...He knows how I am. Queen of indecision here.

He can spend day in and day out telling me that I have to make the choice myself, but I don't know that I'm even capable of going against the direction he wants anymore...

"Sometimes" Ha!

Odd that someone so far in could still wake up one morning and think that it's a good idea to say "No". Though, I have a feeling that's going to bite me in the ass tomorrow morning. Perhaps quite literally...

A Calclulating Mind

A calculating male mind is extremely sexy and since I, of course, can never seem to leave a thought well enough alone, I had to question...Why?

Detached cruelty and comforting tenderness is a huge turn-on for me, I questioned that, but never really figured anything out. The thing is though, neither of these on their own is terribly attractive, and without calculation...

I think that the attractive qualities of a calculating mind come into play because they are a sign of control.
No matter what happens, or how it happens, possible results have been calculated out beforehand, and self control was exerted to make those events happen in a particular manner.

His calculations tend to lack in excess outward emotions, which only serves to add to...

I like the look in his eyes when I watch him calculate me out like moves on a chessboard. Each step carefully considered, appraised as his opponent and brought to my knees...

Oh yes, I am definitely a whore for the calculating mind.

Another Rant...

I guess I'll start off with the obvious today--I'm in a foul mood with life.

I have quite had it with people who think that they own the people they hire (for reals, one step away from yelling at someone over people who aren't even our employees. Don't even get me started on what I have to say about how they're treating my husband). The exact words which come to mind are "It's called working for a living wage bitch, not indentured servitude--now fuck off before I break my promise not to assault anybody." Maybe that's why he left me at home to clean the house today...

Perhaps that's one of my biggest problems with going out into the world...I don't care what people think I am. And he's taking me to a place where, apparently, what people think of me does matter.

I don't care if you have more money than God, or you live in a cardboard box, I don't care what kind of car you drive or what brand of shoes you wear, I don't care if you went to Stanford or can't even read a book, I don't care if you could buy the county I live in, or can't afford lunch tomorrow (actually, I do kind of care about people who can't eat, but that's besides my point). I care about how you treat the other living beings you come into contact with.

Yep, I'm falling apart at the seams. And at the moment, I don't really mind. It's not even, "That time of the month" so I really have no valid excuse for hating the world today. It just seems to me that there are an inordinate amount of assholes floating around out there...

Finally! The perfect translation...

I suppose that the imminent prospect of my life turning upside down and inside out isn't making me feel more tolerant of the world in general, but damn, humanity can be a disappointing group...

Uh huh.