What I Think I am is of Little Consequence...

We talked...A little. Because yea--as malfunctioning as my brain-to-mouth filter often shows itself to be, all communicative functions seem to seize up like the computer blue screen of death when it comes to these kinds of conversations.

I'm covered in permanent marker. Among the variations of "Mine" is "Deal with it". Okay then.

Apparently, what I think I am, (or am not) is of little consequence because I am as he defines me.

I want to thank everyone for their thoughtful comments on my last post--I will try to respond to them all. At some point...

There is an ebb and flow to everything in life, and D/s is no exception to that rule. For us, the flow quite often outweighs the ebb, and our "Down times" are usually much shorter than our recent experience has been. Of course, the recent track our lives have taken is new to us as well. This has made it much more difficult for me to reason my way through, and apply the rules of logic with which I am in a semi-constant state of war anyways.

On one hand, every relationship is a two-way street. One the other hand, the parameters of our relationship dictate that those streets are not equal, nor are they necessarily even running in the same direction. Or, to put it in a way that might actually make sense, it doesn't really work both ways. So, while we do both have our shoes to fill, our responsibilities are not the same, our desires are not equal, and what we expect to get out of our interactions can sometimes differ rather vastly.

As difficult as it may be to accept at times, ttwd is not about my expectations or what I hope to get out of it. It's not about what I think I am, or what I think he should be.

I have always felt very strongly that the approach of needing him to "Work for it" was not how I wanted to be as a submissive. Submission/slavery is not a conditional concept for us. This is not a "I will submit if you do xyz" arrangement. In other words, it's his way all the way, regardless of the direction--if it's no play and checking the mail before making cookies at 10:00 at night, then that is what M/s is for us.
That said, to function at my best as his slave, I do need some reinforcement from him; however, regardless of my level of functioning, I am his property and always will be

He says that we will always be some form of this, that I cannot simply decide what I am or am not--because there's no changing what I am at the core of my being, or what we are at the root of our relationship.

These mountains bumps in the road, while they may lead to the occasional identity crisis on my part, by no means signal the end of our arrangement. We are an M/s couple, and will always live D/s in one form or another. It is how we are wired, and how our relationship functions best. Even when our arrangement wobbles, it will still remain.

Wtf is D/s Anyways?

I sat and stared at this blank page over the course of a 1/4 cup of coffee. After reading some truly laughable article on, "What is Dominance and submission?" and making it through another 1/4 cup of coffee, I came back and stared some more.

I wanted to say that I've been living a dilusion, but the English language seems to think that such is not possible, and maybe I'm really just delusional. Dill is a nice spice though...

Well, made it thought more coffee, but the words are still not really forming...

A long time ago, I wrote a post about that space where I felt like I could tell him anything, and no matter what it was, it was okay. I'm too lazy to dig it back out, and I don't really care exactly what it said, but I feel like somewhere along the way, we lost that.
Oh, he asks me what is going on with me, but oftentimes I feel like it's like a trick question, a question with one right answer, and if he finds my response not to his liking, at best it's met with a, "Whatever" as he walks away, and at worst, it starts an argument. Like my emotions are only acceptable if they fall in line with how he thinks I should be feeling. And since when have my emotions necessarily been reasonable?
I am required to tell him how I'm feeling, but it suck when he doesn't like those feelings.

I'm not a slave. I'm not sure what I am any more. I mean, I know that I'm human and as such am many things, but slave...? Dunno. Maybe I was at some point. Perhaps. Or maybe I just thought I was because that is what I wanted to be, what he told me I was, what I thought resonated in my soul.

Wtf is Dominance and submission anyways? Is it when someone tells another person what to do in their daily lives and they do it? Even that, at it's most basic, is not how we've been living. He tells me what to do, I object or ignore him, he says "Whatever" and the days go on.
Is it that consuming experience of power exchange, wherein the will of one partner bends to the will of the other? Sure, I'll eventually bend, do what he wants, and submit on the surface, but my will stands there in the background stomping her obstinate little feet (okay, so maybe I don't have little feet, but gimme some leeway here).
Maybe it's as simple as being tied up and beaten.
Dunno anymore. But I do know that none of that has been happening around here.

He wants me to do what he says, fuck me when he wants, and cane the shit out of me after he's had enough of my disobedience. Sounds d/s-ish enough, right?
I guess "play" is not an absolutely necessary component to ttwd...Not really. It's icing on a cake that can exist without icing. I mean, it's still cake, right?
I can't remember the last time I felt rope tugging against my skin, a knife tracing its way across my body, that feeling of drowning in subspace that comes only with losing oneself in the will of another...And I suppose that if one has a D/s relationship which is not based in the bedroom, those things aren't exactly necessary...But they damn sure do help a girl keep her head space in its place.

I'm almost to the end of my coffee, and being able to see the bottom of the cup doesn't seem to be making anything clearer.
I miss...Feeling like he accepts whatever I might be feeling, (no matter how stupid or reasonable it may be) regardless of what he does with those feelings--except for reacting as if they are completely unreasonable and unfounded. I feel like...A D/s inconvenience.

I am well aware that I'm no shining beacon of submission, especially these days. He seems to think that it's all me, and maybe he's right. But...

The Things We Think We Should Not Want

I was recently inspired by a post which I'm not sure the author would appreciate me bringing a whole lot of attention to, so I'm not going to give proper credit for my inspiration on this one.

I think that often, as we further our explorations of ttwd, we come across certain things which appeal to us, but which we also feel very strongly that we should not want. These things are highly individual, and our reactions can be based in our history, or just how twisted me might view them as being.

I have found these hurdles to be exceptionally uncomfortable. Somewhat akin to those dreams of being naked in the supermarket, except there's no waking up to snap out of it.
This is one of those areas wherein transparency plays no small part for me. I hate it, but I love it--because I have to admit it to him (sometimes it's terribly obvious, but he makes me admit it anyways because he's mean like that). 

The thing is, no matter how twisted it may be, and regardless of whether or not it's something he would ever do, he still loves me. He still keeps me. He doesn't run away screaming into the night looking for some "nice" girl who dreams of nothing more twisted than flowers and butterflies. Though, I could make flowers pretty twisted and the word butterfly is part of "butterfly knife"...Ignore that!

My struggle with such things is often based in the fact that I feel quite strongly as if I shouldn't like them, that liking them is wrong, and therefore my attraction to whatever those things are, is not okay.

I think that I should not have any desire for, or get turned on by certain things, therefore accepting that I do/am, can feel somewhat akin to pulling teeth. It's an uncomfortable process, realizing that you want something which you feel you should not. And it can be far more difficult to actually accept the realization, let alone be comfortable with it.

One of the things about D/s, is that it opens all kinds of doors--doors that lead to wonderful adventures, scary dark places, glorious new heights, intense revelations, and those pesky closets in which we humans are so fond of stuffing our baggage.
Once you open those doors, stuff comes falling out, and no amount of cramming it back in is truly going to make it go away.

So what do we do with these things, these things we feel that we should not want?

Good question...

Perhaps we should take them out and dance with them. The opportunity to dance with one's demons, face secret dreams and fears, free one's skeletons, and truly explore all that we are, is something that not everyone is given the opportunity to do...

That Damn Cup...

So, I have a question which I have been kind of dragging my heels on. Mostly because it inspires the contradictory whiner in me, and I haven't exactly lived up to prime standards in this area.

Let's get this over with, shall we?

mc kitten asked, "Dare I bring up the subject of the cup again?! Just wondered if you had to keep pissing in it while you were apart, and if not, if you've had to start doing it again and how you feel about it all..."

The cup...The damn stupid, hated cup...

I did not have to keep peeing in it while we were apart. It would have been rather impractical, and he tends to like to watch, so...

Um, truthfully I haven't peed in that damn cup since before our time apart. At first, I was super happy about it because, yea--the cup is stupid and I hate it.
Then it appeared that he had just kind of...Forgotten.
Meaning that he didn't really care about the hoops that he made me jump through, or if I did as he wanted, or, or (yea yea, I know--I already admitted that this topic was going to bring out the contradictory whiner in me).

He did mention it in passing the other day, but didn't seem to really care about it one way or another so, like any bad good slave, I went on as if I have poor hearing--in other words, I didn't start using it again.

Yea, I hate the cup. At this point though, I hate more that he doesn't make me use it anymore.

While I'm on the subject of hating things, I realize that my approach to this is...Totally lame Less than ideal. To put it nicely. Actually, it kind of highlights a reoccurring problem with me--feeling like he has to/should enforce what he wants, as opposed to knowing it and just doing it without that enforcement.

*Sigh* What can I say? I'm  work in progress. And apparently, progress is painfully slow. So yea, this shines a nice bright light on one of those aspects of submission in which I seem to continue falling flat on my face.

A Question of Knife Play

Today we have some questions about one of my all time favorite forms of "play"...Seriously, sometimes he dangles the "threat" in front of me like crack. Works every time...

Roz asked:

"What it is about knife play that you like.  Are their specific aspects of it that tweak you?"

Oh geez, I'm a knife whore at heart--have been since before I even had a concept of "kink". I think that what I love about knife play, (besides an overall fascination with knives and swords in general) is the threat--one little intentional or accidental slip and...

It's a heady mixture, being fucked with a knife to one's throat. It tends to throw all internal concepts of consent out the door. While it is a very physical "threat", it can also be a bit of a mind-fuck.
I enjoy the pain of a knife dragging across my skin. Though, this enjoyment is really limited to knives--not any sharp object will do, and I will run from a pair of scissors faster than most people think I can move! More like nails on a chalkboard than an object of excitement, I guess...

We are taught as kids that knives are dangerous, (because they are) and I think that perception carries over quite nicely into knife play.

"I'm curious about care of the 'implements'.  Are they reserved solely for this activity and not for anything else? what about the maintenance of them ... cleaning, sterilizing, sharpening etc?"

We do have a couple of knives in our toy box--a large skinning knife and a smaller, sharper version. Though he has been known to come after me with a large kitchen knife upon occasion...Honestly, for me, the bigger and sharper the better.

He really hates blood. To the point where he won't even watch medical shows with me--if it's supposed to be inside the body, and it's not him pissing all over me, he's out. I also have a tendency to scar quite impressively, so our knife play doesn't tend to involve any actual cutting (his preference). Since our play doesn't usually involve blood, I've never been terribly concerned with sterilizing them (though the responsible person hiding in my dark little heart does say it's always good to sterilize everything whenever possible). How I clean them is also often dependent on exactly where they have been...I usually just clean them with hot water and dish soap like I would any kitchen knife used for cutting meat.

 As I said, we have two knives in the toy box--one fairly dull, and the other he keeps quite sharp. As a general rule, he won't sharpen my kitchen knives because I'm notoriously good at attempting to cut off digits while slicing vegetables.

"What parts of the body are 'fair game' for knife play?  Are there taboo areas?"

I can't speak for anyone else here, but all parts of my body are fair game. As a general rule, he always treats my scars like delicate china, and avoids them at all costs--they are extremely painful, sensitive to touch, and prone to being easily irritated.

Other than that...The more "Taboo" the area, the more I like it. A fact which he has no problem holding over my head and using to make me squirm in the way that only liking something which seems terribly wrong can do. I'm pretty much happy to offer up any and all parts and holes when it comes to knives...Well, I like to think that nose, ears, and belly button are off limits to all things but he does like to mess with me sometimes just because he knows I hate anything touching any of those areas (don't care if it's a feather, come near my belly button and I will do anything possible to get out of it).

Thank you for the inspirations! I hope that I addressed your questions sufficiently.

Questions of Emotion and Emotional Needs

Downunder Don was kind enough to send me some thought provoking questions.
So, with no further ado and introductory blathering on my part (difficult to imagine, I know), in order of appearance:

"In your D/s relationship are you able to express your emotional needs/requirements."

For his part, I am...Required to express my emotional needs; however, expressing my emotional needs is extremely difficult for me. He is very good at reading me, so my consistent occasional inability to express those needs in a valid manner doesn't usually create issues.

Any inability to express my emotional needs is purely personal. I couldn't imagine being in any form of a relationship where it was not acceptable to express one's emotional needs and requirements--while I accept that how he addresses those needs is entirely his prerogative, I think that being allowed to express valid emotional needs/requirements is necessary for the healthy functioning of any relationship.

"Are you permitted to show your emotions."

Ah, well...I have some hormonal issues which contribute to me being an excessively emotional person at times. I think that, if I was not permitted to show my emotions, I might possibly just explode into a million pieces (seriously, that is how it feels sometimes). He knows this about me, and gives me a fair amount of leeway when it comes to such expression.

It should be noted that there is a difference between showing the emotions of how I am feeling, and being disrespectful. He takes issue if I express them in a manner that is lacking in respect.

In my mind, D/s and M/s are very much about emotion. If I am not allowed to express emotion, then he not only doesn't get the satisfaction of knowing the success of his actions, he doesn't have a basis for knowing what is going on with me.

"Are you permitted to question his actions if they are in conflict with your emotional needs/requirements."

This one is kind of tricky..If I see his actions as being in conflict with my emotional needs/requirements (which is rare), I am permitted to question his actions. He does, however, expect any questioning of his actions to be valid. There are also times when he disagrees with what I perceive as needs, viewing them as wants, in which case he is likely to set aside my concerns and continue on the path that he feels is best. In all fairness, he has yet to be wrong on this front.

"Are you permitted to “stop” or “withdraw consent” if any action is in conflict with your current emotional state."

The short and sweet answer to this question is no, I am not.There is no "stopping" or "withdrawal of consent" in our arrangement. I mean, yes, I can say "no more" or "I quit" to my little hearts content, but there is no requirement or expectation that he honor the request.

For us, consent is a past tense.Yes, submission is often a constant choice every day, but consent? Consent was given, and there is an overall agreement that it will not be withdrawn or reconsidered regardless of circumstances.

He is generally very aware of my emotional state, and he takes it into account in regards to his actions. There are times when I object, he ignores the objection, and his course was correct. Or, at the least, not nearly as catastrophic as I had thought it would be.

"Are your emotional needs being met in your D/s relationship."
Overall, yes. The D/s aspect of my relationship meets my emotional needs in a way that no other form of relationship ever could. I think that, in order for any relationship to be successful, the emotional needs of both partner must be met. There are occasions when I do feel like my emotional needs aren't being met, but those are often due to life circumstances that take the focus away from D/s.
My observations have led me to believe that many people find themselves in D/s relationships as the result of a search for fulfillment of needs (emotional or otherwise) that they just can't seem to find anywhere else.
Humans are emotional creatures, and I think that we often find ourselves seeking interactions that feed our needs.

Thank you for the thought provoking inspirations. I hope that I did them justice.

Foundations and Their Maintenance

Tori was kind enough to offer me some writing fodder on my last post. After this I'll be fresh out of ideas again, so...Help? I know there's enough of you out there to offer me some kind of inspiration!

Tori asked:
"In your opinion, of course, what do you consider the most important foundations on which your relationship is built on in relation to it being M/s, and how does one maintain those foundations?"

My first thought was, "I like this question!" then, after thinking for a little bit, I found it a tad more complicated than it first appeared.
I think that the key here for me is my relationship. Because I think that, while such foundations often have many similarities, they will differ from person to person.

Bear with me here, this might become a bit of a ramble (I could say "Bare with me" but I'd probably get in trouble for offering to share nakedness).

I really didn't want to say trust, because it seems rather cliche, you know? Luckily for me, tori is a smart lady and made the question plural--nothing as complex as the supporting stones of a relationship can be reduced to any one thing.
So, I would have to say that, for me, the most important foundations that our relationship is built on in relation to M/s are trust, knowing, transparency, faith, and D/s.

I trust that he will never do anything he thinks will cause our relationship or myself irrevocable harm. This trust allows me to follow where he leads--without it, we would never have gone as far into the abyss as we have.

Knowing...He knows me. Not just superficially, he has known me for over half of my life, and often displays a more in depth knowing of me than I do of myself. While this can be rather irritating at times, it has an enormous impact on our M/s. This knowing has very little to do with my body, (though, don't get me started about how it responds soo much better to him than myself) but he know me. He knows my mind. He knows how I work, what makes me tick, my hatreds and my passions. He knows what I truly abhor, and what I only want  to think that I abhor. And he uses all this knowing to unravel me from the inside out, to bend me to his will, to make me want and need what he wants me to.

Transparency...Now this one is a bit tricky, because it's a one way street. The transparency I speak of is mine--he is not transparent to me. I'm okay with that. The thing is, if I feel like I'm not transparent, I am not...Hmm...I can't surrender all of me if he can't see all of me.
This transparency is key to how we work. If I feel like I am holding anything back from him, then I feel like I'm not really his. It keeps us in the shallows to a surprising extent.

Faith...I debated with myself for a while as to whether this was belief or faith (I will admit to doing a Google search which became frustratingly religious, but did help me clarify my meaning). Belief fits in with what we want to be true--we believe because we want to. Faith is accepting and opening one's mind, it is knowing that whatever will be will be, and going with it regardless of one's preconceived notions.
I have faith in him. In his abilities, his intent, who he is and how he wishes us to be.

D/s...It might seem kind of strange to define D/s as a foundation for M/s, but I think it works. Dominance and submission allows us to experience and live M/s. Without it, there is no M/s, and we could have never gotten to where we are today.

How do we maintain these foundations? Sometimes, not very well. Lol.
In all seriousness though, I think that we maintain them by staying true to the general principles of our foundations. If something feels...Wrong, then we need to look at where we are deviating from being true to ourselves and how our relationship works. It takes time and effort--acknowledging the energy it takes to maintain our personal sanctuary.
The single most solid example of maintaining our foundations is D/s--feeding it in various ways. Dominance and submission maintains our foundations by constantly reminding us of why we have them and the purposes they serve.
As to maintaining D/s itself...Well, still working on that one (slow learner here).