A Question of Advice for Beginners

Another question from Foxy Canidae:

"What advice would you give to someone just entering this lifestyle?"

Ooh geez, lots. Lol. I suggest coffee. Maybe more than one cup. This is likely to get long-winded and out of hand.

I guess that first and foremost, it would be not to care too much about how other people do it. I know that this might make the rest of my thoughts kind of a moot point, but...

In the beginning, its really easy to get caught up in "The right way", which is usually just modeled off of what we have read and seen--because not having our own past experiences to rely on, we look to the experience of others. Now don't get me wrong, there's definitely something to be said for watching the rest of us screw up and knowing better learning from the mistakes and knowledge offered by others; however, it is not necessary to use the framework set forth by someone else in order to have a healthy and successful D/s relationship.
It can be awfully difficult to remember that what we read is a snapshot--a picture of a moment in time or a thought process shared by the writer. Not everyone is willing to dump their mistakes and bad days out onto the internet for consumption by the general public. So before you decide that your brand of D/s sucks monkey butts, (sometimes it will. Promise--happens to all of us) remind yourself that people tend to share the times of smooth sailing quite a bit more often than they highlight the choppy seas.

Be honest. Be honest with yourself, and be honest with your partner. If you're not honest with yourself, you can't be honest with them. And if you're not honest with them, you either aren't going to make it very far down this road, or you are going to put yourself in a situation where you get hurt because the other person doesn't have enough pieces of the puzzle to help put you back together if things go awry.

Take it slow--the world is not going to end because you didn't do/get/experience it all yesterday. Seriously. Take your time. Chances are, you won't be dying tomorrow, and it is far better to work your way slowly towards something wonderful than it is to rush headlong into a disaster of your own making. You cannot go back and undo what has been done, but you can give it a damn fine go the first time around if you move slowly enough to do so.

Blanket advice aside, I admit that I would probably give Dominants a little bit different advice than I would to a submissive. Because yea, different ends of the power spectrum.

To a Dominant, I would say remember that you are not omnipotent. There will no doubt be times when you will feel that way, and your submissive will certainly view you that way more often than not, but...In the grand scheme of things, you are not.
You will make mistakes--to err is human, and you are still human. What really matters is what you do with your mistakes. Own them, admit that you were wrong, don't repeat them, and if warranted, don't be afraid to apologize for them.

If you want your sub to live up to your expectations, you have to give her the tools to do so, and accept that you must both work within the rules of reality. For instance, you can't expect to be met naked at the door every day if there are kids in the house. It's just not feasible. The examples could be many, but it boils down to the fact that you cannot expect someone to submit to you if you are unwilling to do some work for it and adapt to the constraints of life in general.

Be consistent. Seriously, I can't stress this one enough. Consistency earns respect and provides a submissive the framework within which to exist. You can't expect anyone to do what you tell them to if your expectations and the consequences of their actions are inconsistent. Plus, we're finicky creatures and consistency makes us feel special and stable. It shows us that you care.

Let her feel what she feels, and share how she feels. You are working your way through the inside of a human mind with a heart attached. If you want unfettered access, your sub has to know without a doubt that she can tell you anything--otherwise you'll never make it past the outer walls of her mind. If she can't share the most twisted, darkest, angriest, saddest, parts of herself, you won't ever truly own her.

If you want her body to be your playground, you have to get through her mind first. Wonderful and terrible things can happen to the human body and never touch the mind, never reach the soul, never impact the heart. If you want to well and truly own another being, you aren't going to get there through what you do to their body alone. If you can touch her mind, she is more yours than touching her body could ever make her be.
That's not to say that the two don't often go hand-in-hand, but they are not certainly not mutually exclusive.

And lastly? Yea...It's pretty simple--just don't be an asshole.

To a submissive I would say, remember that he's human too. At the core of ourselves, we're all just human beings being human. Yes, you are putting your life in the hands of a mere mortal. There are consequences to that, and they aren't always pretty. Accept it. Get over it. Don't hold his mistakes over his head.

Don't push him to do things your way. While it is important to acknowledge and be honest about your needs and wants, D/s is intrinsically not about getting your way--it's about doing things his way, having the faith to trust someone else to make the right call, and the wherewithal to suck it up when a call you disagree with is made.

Don't expect him to be Dominant if you are busy running around questioning every decision he makes--Domination becomes ridiculously more complicated and difficult when it's constantly being challenged.
Really, expectation in general is not your friend--it makes us too caught up in how we think things should be as opposed to living how he thinks we should. If we are always too busy with our own expectations, there isn't room for his. And, after all, D/s isn't really about what we want.

If you want him to know what makes you tick, what really and take advantage of it, you have to let down the walls. Let him in. Not the superficial way we let people in, that's not going to get him there. But the way your skeletons know you--the scars that make you who you are, the things that are hard to love about yourself, the desires you hate admitting to yourself.

Submit. Sounds pretty basic, kind of like not being an asshole, right? But it's not always so simple. D/s is a cyclical reciprocal arrangement, and if you want Domination, you must offer submission. It's easy to submit to the things we want, not so easy when every bone in our body is screaming about how badly we don't want to do it. I think that, quite often, submission is very much about the things you don't want to do. And doing them anyways.

I'm sure that I'll think of a million more things tonight at midnight, but there you have it.

Life...

It really wasn't my intention to go this long without posting, especially with the lovely inspirations some of you left me, but you know what they say about good intentions and the road to hell...
My computer simply refuses to connect to the home network under any circumstances--out to get me I tell ya.
We were gone for a few days and I had a kinda job interview. I think it went okay...Kind of hard to tell when the decision is up to three people and they don't need the position filled immediately.
Our oldest dog died. He was fifteen, so it wasn't a huge surprise, but it's still sad--he was the last of the critters from when we first got together, and the only one we have had since the big kiddo was born, so, yea...

Anyways...I'd have some cutsy smart-ass picture to go with this post, but my computer with all the good stuff on it has become rather like an unwieldy paperweight...

Tomorrow, I'll get a post up addressing the next question from the lovely inspirations given to me aeons ago...

A Question of Going From Dominant to Submissive

I got several responses to my plea for inspiration. Thanks again!

Foxy Canidae asked a few questions that I am going to milk for all they are worth, and break into three posts. Might as well make the most of it, right?

Without further ado...

"Has there been a time where you had to have a more dominant personality with others and found it difficult to bring your submissive side back out when around your Master? How did you do it?"

I think that, overall, I tend to project a fairly Dominant personality. Mostly because I don't like being pushed around, and projecting a more Dominant persona makes it much easier to avoid that inner urge to accede to the Dominant personalities I may come into contact with.

This question is actually something that I have been thinking about a lot lately. Specifically as it relates to working, but it's also applicable to any situation where I have to be in charge and then switch gears back to submissive.

Most recently, and with a momentous impact, was my mother' big surgery. After months of playing patient's advocate, taking care of her, and not living at home, I'm still trying to "bounce back". I've been home since June(?) and, though it pains me to admit, I still haven't managed to come completely back around to where I should be.

As a general course, it has always been very difficult for me to switch from "work" mode, to "submissive" mode. This was, as you might imagine, somewhat of an issue when I was working regularly. It's also something I have been contemplating rather extensively with the prospect of possibly being able to get a management position next year.

It's one of those double edged sword things which I hate love so much--the more "in charge" I am, the more I crave D/s. Yet, at the same time, it is extremely difficult for me to switch out of management mode and actually submit at the end of the day.

How did I do it? Um...Truthfully, not very well.

We did implement a few routines to help me leave my whole "I'm in charge" attitude at the door--he would meet me, kiss me on the forehead, and inform me that I was his. All before I made it past the doorway. Simple, but it did help.
I would also sit at his feet for at least a few minutes after dinner, which was very helpful with my overall mindset.

I think that having simple little rituals to help one transition to the submissive mindset can be very helpful.

Anyone else have any ideas on this topic? It is something that I have always struggled with, and I am quite  interested in how other people manage these types of issues.

A Question of Offering Submission and Rules?

Several people were kind enough to give me post fodder. Yay!

See? I'm not really as difficult as he likes me out to be.

Now's my chance to be like the medical office--questions will be answered in the order received.

Okay, okay...

Anonymous asked:

"How do you feel that you can offer him your submission without him having to obtain it? How does he know without enforcing rules? Are rules necessary all the times?"

In order of appearance...

For some reason, the wording of this first question is tripping me up a bit...I'm just going interpret is as how I can offer him submission without him working/asking specifically for it...?

So, I think this is about ways to show submission, and ways to be submissive without his input. To me, these are somewhat different questions.

On one hand, it is sometimes difficult to be submissive if one isn't feeling the Dominance. On the other hand, submission is a state of being and doesn't require direct orders to manifest itself.
If he's not expressing his will, I can show submission by taking a more proactive role (work in progress). I can do things and behave in a manner that are/is submissive--if it's making his plate, and un-asked for cup of tea, kneeling at his feet just because, etc.
Submission becomes part of the relationship. It just is. Regardless of his reaching for it--it is something that is always his. Even if I don't always excel at its expression...

As to how he knows without enforcing rules...Tripped up again! My brain seems to have taken a temporary (I hope) leave of absence.
How does he know that I am following the rules if he doesn't go around enforcing them, or how does he know I'm offering my submission if he isn't actively enforcing the rules?
I'll go both ways...

He knows if I'm following the rules because if he doesn't notice, I'll tattle on myself. It's really a terrible trait--I simply can't help it. Comes back to the whole "Transparency" thing I guess.
I don't think that submission is a product of rules--rules exist to refine submission to the Dominant's desires. He knows that I am being submissive through our interactions, my state of mind, the way I am and the things that I do.

Are rules necessary all the time? Well...While people usually put a lot of emphasis on rules, D/s can exist without them.
Are my rules always in existence? Yes. He prefers to call them "Expectations", but I think that, for all intents and purposes, the definition for us is the same. Am I always expected to live up to those expectations? Yes. Do I always pull it off? No.
That is not to say that there are never any exceptions for circumstances, but those circumstances had damn well better be valid!

Inspiration?! Please...?

I could talk about how the car we're trying to give my mom broke down right before we took mine in to get fixed, and the bill was astronomically higher than I had hoped, or how stupid it is that my personal computer won't connect to the internet anymore, or how home schooling sixth and first graders at the same time is kicking my ass, or how much living in limbo sucks,or any other number of perfectly reasonable complaints...But I don't want to.

I want to think and absorb as many D/s thoughts as I can before life really turns upside down...

So...Thoughts?
Questions?
Answers?
Ideas?
Anything...?
Please?

A Willful Disregard of Sense, or, Who's Really in Charge Around Here?

Okay okay, I admit that the catchy part of the title isn't mine. The first part of it was a gift. Don't judge!

Anyways...

A comment made on one of my posts some time ago, got me to thinking of that seemingly never-ending debate about whose really in charge of a D/s relationship. Seems like kind of a no-brainer to me, but hey--I'm almost always up for a good debate. Best thing about debating myself in a blog post? I'm always right (until I start talking to him, but that comes later).

Honestly, it seems silly to me, this concept that the submissive is really in charge. I have heard it argued that the only reason people on my side of power exchange tend to rail against the aforementioned concept, is that we simply aren't comfortable with the "reality" that we are in charge because we can withdraw consent. As if the Dominant is somehow incapable of calling an end to it himself.
What a load of poppycock. I have been itching to use that word for ages.

Seriously, if I'm really in charge, what exactly is the point of ttwd?

If I am really in charge, then this whole way of living is nothing more than an elaborate lie I tell myself every day, a hoax that I perpetrate upon myself and my relationship over and over again...

I wonder why, why really do some people have this idea that the sub is actually in charge? My personal theory at the moment, is that some Dominants are not comfortable with a certain level of control, and some subs are not comfortable with a certain depth of submission. No scientific studies have been created to prove or disprove this theory.

So I did what I always do when mulling over a particular quandary--I asked Alpha for his thoughts.

He shrugged because those things that go round and round in my head are usually just of passing and philosophical interest to him. "Because they're doing it wrong." I couldn't help myself, "Oh babe, they're not gonna like that." His response made it quite clear that the idea didn't bother him in the least little bit.

His point was, if a submissive feels like she can walk away at any moment, she hasn't really surrendered in the first place. Now don't get me wrong, we both acknowledge that there are many circumstances in which it is neither desirable, nor wise, to surrender to the point where you feel you cannot walk away. As always, it is about context, and my opinions come from within the context of my marriage and an M/s dynamic.

There may have been just the slightest hint of whine in my voice when I said, "I'm stuck on my post! I need a logical argument to support my opinion..." He really didn't seem to be the least little bit bothered by my quandary. He shrugged, again, (see a running theme here?)and said, "Lots of times, the sub is in charge."
Say what...? "That's not helping me provide a logical argument! Though I suppose I should appreciate that you're finally taking my quandary seriously...But still!" Why is it that the things I get all worked up about phase him so little??
"If a sub is only 97% in, she's in charge." Only 97% huh? Okay, now he's just raining on my parade...

And so the post sat all day, while I did my thing and wandered back occasionally to stare at what had become an  exceedingly uninspiring page.
This morning it hit me, maybe that's where I draw the line defining slavery and submission for myself personally--when I question what I am is when I'm desperately reaching for that tiny percentage which I gave up years ago. This might sound totally silly, but it was one of those light-bulb moments for me, and with only half a cup of coffee too!

So the answer to who's really in charge around here, is clearly him. But I guess that answer is kind of dependent on whose "here" one is talking about. Odd how concepts evolve over the course of a thought process...

The thing is...D/s is a choice. It is a conscious decision to bow to the authority of another human being, to surrender one's will to that of another, to hand over control to someone else.
Once the choice is made, to live D/s, to be a submissive or a slave, not just to act like one, you have to be all in.
Getting out is not quite as simple as just choosing not to be what you have become. Once you taste it, live it, become it, float on its waves...It gets into your blood, becomes part of who you are, and denying it will haunt you in ways that you never imagined.
In a way, you become enslaved, not just to the Master, but to the concept itself.

Filling the Void

I was writing something totally unrelated to the blog, and in my easily distracted way, I had to run over and start a post. Because yea...Butterflies and sparkly things.

I think that D/s fills voids. You know, those little cracks that life seems to leave in one's being? Yea, those.
I think that we either seek out D/s to fill the void, or discover down the road that it in some way fulfills the function of doing so.

The truth is, we are all at least a little bit broken. That's what life does to us, how we form our character, it is a huge part of what makes us who we are. We're always searching for some way to patch the cracks, even if we don't know why, what we're looking for, or indeed sometimes that we are searching in the first place.

Humans are a bit like bowls--we hold everything that has been put in us, and there's no way to be scrubbed clean while we are full. It might seem like a bit of a dichotomy to say that we have voids and cracks, but are full at the same time. Yet...perhaps the cracks are the voids.

D/s has a way of breaking open the cracks so the dirt can fall out and we can be put back together with gold. I used to try and wash away the filth of the things that had happened to me, and fill the cracks with anything I could find. Our D/s has washed me out and patched me back together.

Maybe that's one of the reasons that subs often crave the "Breaking". Because we feel that if D/s broke it, D/s will fill the cracks it created. Then, instead of being shattered beyond repair, we are held together by something beautiful. And we become something more than what we were before.