Fuck You Up or Fuck Me Down

I have seen the bottom of many bottles, worked my way through a lot of piles, 

and walked so many damn miles.

I have cradled demons in my hands and danced with lightning in the dark,

contemplating that eternal spark.

I'll fuck you up until you fuck me down

down down down, all the way into the ground.

Take a moment to look around

can you hear the weight of sound?

What was once lost has been found.

Contemplate those stormy sees

spend some time in the pouring rain on your knees

come on now

breathe into me.

Hold that space lost one,

that empty place I kept for you

in a silent room on my knees

asking only to be allowed to please.

So diligently you stand in that doorway

no other shall pass, just as you have silently asked.

Yet still you refuse to step inside the storm.

There's an empty space inside of me

I can fuck you up or you can fuck me down,

and so we go round and round

unacknowledged electricity fills the space between us

smoldering so strongly that I can barely breathe.

Can you feel me?

I am no endless sea

simply a perfect storm on her knees

whatever will you do with me?

something, anything please

fuck me down before you fuck me up.

Can you feel me like I feel you?

Back and forth we dance in the darkness

coming only close enough to spark the flames, never close enough to touch

I am never enough and always too much.

I have waited, I have waited for you

on my knees with my offerings

I let you in, fed you my sins

always a full plate awaits when you wander through that door

and you know, you know that I am a whore

for you, for him, for the deadly beauty you hold within.

So baby, fuck me up or fuck me down

and we'll go round and round

'cuz I hear your voice in my head every time I lay down in my bed

Feel your arms in my dreams

and see their reflections in your eyes when I look upon the sky.

One day you smiled at me

and I swear my heart fell into my fucking knees

and all I could think was

oh shit...This is gonna hurt like a bitch.

So baby on we go, round and round

stranger than the weight of sound

'cuz you fuck me up and fuck me down

and we are without beginning or end.

I'm Back

Aight, I decided to say fuck this shit. Bitch has taken enough of my life, I'm not gonna let her have this place too. So I'm back. Sorely lacking on the inspiration, but whatever. I can meme this shit to high heaven.

We like to wrap things up in pretty little boxes, tie them shut with decorative bows. and pretend that all the worst and most amazing things in life are neat or pretty.

They aren't. Life is fucking messy.
Life is learning that your 14 year old son hates his middle name because your sil's ex boyfriend by the same name used to beat the shit out of her in front of him when he was six. Life is finally telling your six year old to sock the neighbor kid back. Life is watching your son try not to puke in the bushes after finding a dead body on his way to school. Life is wandering through the downtrodden streets and alleyways of a city you used to hate and accepting the beauty in its broken depravity. Life is snow in fucking May.

Life. We deny how raw it really is because we rarely have the stomach for blood, and it's easier to look at the bandage.

But life is bloody and raw and beautiful. It's passionate rage and ecstasy, pleasure and pain...Life is madness and magic. If we let ourselves feel it.

Love? Love is a goddamned battleground. Yea, it's beautiful and it's fucking epic. Love will wash through your soul in an epic rain of blood and roses. And if you think it's not gonna make you bleed like nothing else ever could, you are sadly mistaken.

Love is watching your husband, on a weekly basis, go fuck the soul sucking cunt that fucked you over, and attempting to find some modicum of grace. Because it makes him happy and fits within the fucking parameters of being owned that you agreed to.

Love is having two men bitch you out about not wearing a coat when you should. It's craving the look in some goddamn lost boy's eyes when he's really listening to you, and the tone in his voice when he tells you exactly what he wants in that moment.

Love is an epic goddamned wonderland of beauty and shit.

So yea...I am no longer who I once was. But I am what I am, I am submissive to my very fucking core whether I like it or not. And that will never change, regardless of how I feel about it.

I am not what I once was, but I am what I am. And this place is still my story.

Nothing Left For Me Here

I'm done here. This blog has nothing left to offer me. I have learned that there is no sanctuary for some of us, no matter how much we tell ourselves there is. I hope that this place offers that sanctuary to some who come after me and read its words.

I hope that one day I shall return here and once again pour beauty out onto these pages. That day is not today, nor shall it be tomorrow.

Another Blogaversary...?

Most importantly, thanks to everyone who left me birthday wishes--I have not forgotten that you rock and I still need to respond to your comments.

Pretty sure that today is my blog's birthday, but in typical fashion, blogger is screwing with me, and I'll be damned if I sift through every post of 2010 to get to the first one.

Ironically, this is also the day I chose to start another blog. I think that it's not going to be a nice place, or a happy place, or a place that anyone in their right mind would like to read, but if you want the link, email me or leave a comment. The point is that the soul sucking cunt (who really needs to pull off a miracle and develop the human decency to quit reading here), doesn't read there. So it's mine. All fucking mine.

I'm not abandoning this blog. I contemplated doing so over the last months, but I won't. It holds my story, and will hold many more to come. It is just not the place for me to get all of what I need out of writing at the moment. I am...Without sanctuary, and in many instances of the present, this place no longer offers me that.

When I started this blog in 2010, I would have never imagined in my wildest dreams that I would find myself sitting where I now sit. In a city of half a million disconnected people, with a husband in love with another woman and working in a different state than the one I live in, with me loving another man who refuses to even sit in a room alone with me. And no fucking trees or rocks.
Seriously, I have learned that the mountains will accept me wherever I am. But they don't take me as theirs. It's not "home" and it never will be.

We all grew up with "magic". Every child learns the first basic protection spell as soon as they can comprehend words. Here? You're a bit crazy for even mentioning such a concept. Say, "I feel you and you're a beautiful fucking being" and you're lucky if that person ever speaks to you again without wondering how a nice fancy white straight jacket would look on you.

Recently, we "discussed" okay, fought about, the concept of removing the collar. The truth is, whether I am any good at it or not, does not change the fact that I am what I am. And we are who we are. He'll never agree to remove the collar. Ever. And I'll never have the balls to actually hand it to him and ask for release.

On the bright side, my eldest is rocking this life shit. You know those videos where sixty fucking kids stand around and record some kid getting the shit beat out of them, and MAYBE, one kid steps in for the underdog and breaks it up? He is that one kid. And I adore the shit out of him for the human being he is becoming. The path he chooses is not an easy one. There are consequences to standing up for what you believe in. Very few people in this world are willing to accept those consequences.

Too many people think that this D/s shit is easy, that being a slave is simple. The truth is, you never fucking know how painful and difficult it can be until your drowning in the deep end. I have come to realize how very few truly commit to this shit. And I don't mean that in an offensive way. If anything, I am envious. Very fucking envious. Because it is the only thing that can truly compound the sensation of watching your heart and soul disintegrate into a million tiny pieces. Because you can't walk away. No matter how badly you want to, or how poor your ability to serve. It's the only thing that can make love fuck you up even more than it inherently is able to.

Another Trip Around The Sun

Today marks my thirty-fourth trip around the sun. I'd be lying if I said that I greeted this day with an abundance of joy. More than anything, I think I greeted it with a healthy does of:

But the truth is, I won't go on my own. Hell, the truth is, Alpha isn't willing to leave her, and neither of us is willing to leave Omega. Home sounds a damn sight better than this hellhole though, not gonna lie.

It's a beautiful day outside. Omega's coming over, and I'm gonna watch all four of my guys cook me dinner. I'm fucked up, their fucked up, but I'm theirs and they are mine.

Truth is, they are my world, and my universe, and all the spaces in between. Four people in this world who would do anything for me, who I quite literally live for? Really, that's more than I could have ever asked for.

Truth is, I'm surrounded by my lost boys, and I'm just Tinkerbell from hell. And I'm more than okay with that. It's a good day because there's no other company I'd rather keep.

Kiss Me Again...

I died inside when he told me he needed space away from me to be with her

That he had made me a place within another to run

But it burns like reaching for the sun

One can only belong to that which chooses to own

Otherwise

You’re still just alone.

I reach inside for the light

Or even just the pure darkness of night

Only to find an empty space

A lost girl without place.

As I wander through these empty rooms, look up at my son in passing

And we take a moment to reminisce, about heartache and bliss

That first and latest heartbreak

Rest my head on that shoulder so young

With all those songs still left unsung

“Baby, you’re going to be okay. Tomorrow is a new day.”

Then I wander slowly on, because this shoulder so young,

Shaking and brave, is no place for me to drop my earthquakes.

Kiss me again

With her lies upon your lips

Touch me some more

With her vile heart on your fingertips

And I watch you fall further away from me

Deeper into her poisoned sea

Once upon a time I was yours and you were mine.

You said you needed space

To be in her and your place

That you had made me somewhere to run

A place to hide

Deep inside the soul of another

But baby it burns like the sun

This isn’t any fun

This consuming desire to curl up in the lap of another

To hide in a space where he never granted me a place.

Every night I see his face

And all these songs left unsung

They ache, so quiet in their heartbreak.

There is no escape in the darkness of night

She’s there by your side every time

And so I use him, to push her out of my mind

Knowing that they cannot both exist within the same space and time

But baby, he isn’t mine

And we both know it’s a crime

And I must stay on the other side of the line

Find some way to redefine

Love and life, dreams and peace

These dreams, they will not leave me be

As all these demons, they chew on me

Knowing that I’ll never be his

As I watch you float away in her endless sea

I look at all these pieces of me

No longer trying to glue them back together

Just gathering them in my hands until I can hold no more

Watching them fall quietly to the floor.