Me: "I can't be this."
Him: "You are this. You're just too afraid of yourself to accept it. You try so hard that you get in your own way."
Well
ummm
hmmm...
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Monday, November 28, 2011
Collar
I haven't worn my collar for some time now. Actually, I have two and my skin decided it was going to react to both of them, so it's been collarless for me.
Last night Alpha put me in the collar we only use for play--I have a different sense of style, so no one has ever questioned the leather collar an o ring, but this one only a teenager who had no clue could pull off wearing in public lol.
And the instant it closed around my neck, I realized how very much I miss my collar.
It's like a wedding ring--I am his with or without it. It does not define our relationship. It is merely a symbol of our arrangement. A special trinket that has meaning because of the importance we place on it.
But I miss it something terrible. And I asked him to put my collar on when he took the other one off. And I'll wear it until my skin rebels again. Because I love how it makes me feel.
Last night Alpha put me in the collar we only use for play--I have a different sense of style, so no one has ever questioned the leather collar an o ring, but this one only a teenager who had no clue could pull off wearing in public lol.
And the instant it closed around my neck, I realized how very much I miss my collar.
It's like a wedding ring--I am his with or without it. It does not define our relationship. It is merely a symbol of our arrangement. A special trinket that has meaning because of the importance we place on it.
But I miss it something terrible. And I asked him to put my collar on when he took the other one off. And I'll wear it until my skin rebels again. Because I love how it makes me feel.
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Where is the Line?
I was recently inspired to dive into a thought process around healthy limit pushing and crossing the line into actual damage.
It really is the proverbial line in the sand--you draw it, stand there with your nice little stick pointing firmly at it... and a big wave comes along. Bye bye line in the sand. Sometimes it's a good thing. Other times, not so much.
So we try to walk on this finite line and travel in a direction that's healthy. Hopefully without falling off one side or another. But falling along the way is inevitable. Kind of like learning to walk or swim--at some point you are going to eat dirt or breath water.
There's a line between growth and damage. Sometimes it's difficult to see through the waves, but it's there. And I was recently asked where exactly "there" is.
The truth is, I don't know. Pause for shocked silence (yes, please do smirk here).
Your line might be over there, someone else line might be over here and off to the side.
For me, the line falls somewhere between that place where I just know I can't go any further even though I can (in that "I can't think or speak because my brains are goo and may never function again" kind of way), and feeling icky the next day or when the experience is duplicated. But it has so far been nearly impossible for me to catch on my own. I need His help.
It takes a while to figure out where your line is. And even then the damn thing has a tendency to move. And it takes time for someone else to pin down your moving line. So it's easy to cross when you are trying to push the limits. And damn do I like having my limits pushed. In a love/hate kind of way.
It is possible to experience ttwd and come out cleaner, heal old wounds, expand your mind and the way you see existence, to create a relationship that is, to plagiarize myself (can you do that?), closer than skin will allow.
And it is also quite possible to come out wounded and damaged, with new scars and a relationship lacking mental intimacy.
I believe that overall, we come closest to shark infested waters when we deal with pain or humiliation.
Pain factors into Alpha and I's relationship, but it's not something He generally pushes further than I think I can go. Pain, while extremely physical, is also a very mental experience--how it is given, how it is taken, the individual processes along the way.
I think humiliation (referencing myself again of course), is a bit different. It can be kind of like swimming with dolphins in shark infested waters--dangerous but oh so incredible. And it's not so much about the event itself as what happens afterwards. So maybe the line between growth and damage isn't so much about what happens when we play on the edge, but the things that happen when we hang off of it.
I'm gonna get sidetracked with humiliation for a minute here...I used to think it was squarely on the wrong side of my little line in the sand. And then I learned that there is nothing quite like it. Having someone piss all over you and treat you like a dirty whore one minute, then turn around and tell you that they love and respect you the more for it and you can try to take over the world again tomorrow? It's one hell of an experience. Yes, I know run-on sentences are one of my major grammatical errors. I can't help it if that's how I think lol.
And it's tricky, because that worthless feeling can be a sneaky little bitch who wants to sit next to you and be a close companion. Sometimes she wants to hang around and mess with your head. That's why what happens afterwards is so important--It can crush her or bring her in for coffee.
Alpha likes to say that He will hurt but never harm me. And I think that is an important distinction. Hurt is a temporary experience that offer opportunities for growth. Harm occurs when there are adverse impacts with lasting effects.
How do we avoid crossing that sometimes finite line between to much and not enough, between hurt and harm--how do we walk on the perfect road? Never gonna happen 100% of the time. Huff at me all you want lol. It will still remain true.
But I do believe it is possible to maintain an overall healthy balance.
There's no substitution for knowing someone well. Alpha knows me well, and is quite acquainted with my migrating line in the sand--He has moved it upon occasion. The better a Dom knows their sub, the easier it is to avoid damage.
At the risk of sounding hypocritical, I think that safe words (and actually using them), can really prevent a lot of harm and diffuse situations before they reach the point of causing damage. They give submissives the tools to help prevent harm. If you have one? Use it when you need it. Not after. And the better you know yourself, the more effective and useful it will be.
Is there one single point where everyone's line intersects, a common point between pushing the limits and incurring damage? If so, I think that it is an emotional intersection. Perhaps a feeling in common...But whatever path gets us there will be unique to each.
It really is the proverbial line in the sand--you draw it, stand there with your nice little stick pointing firmly at it... and a big wave comes along. Bye bye line in the sand. Sometimes it's a good thing. Other times, not so much.
So we try to walk on this finite line and travel in a direction that's healthy. Hopefully without falling off one side or another. But falling along the way is inevitable. Kind of like learning to walk or swim--at some point you are going to eat dirt or breath water.
There's a line between growth and damage. Sometimes it's difficult to see through the waves, but it's there. And I was recently asked where exactly "there" is.
The truth is, I don't know. Pause for shocked silence (yes, please do smirk here).
Your line might be over there, someone else line might be over here and off to the side.
For me, the line falls somewhere between that place where I just know I can't go any further even though I can (in that "I can't think or speak because my brains are goo and may never function again" kind of way), and feeling icky the next day or when the experience is duplicated. But it has so far been nearly impossible for me to catch on my own. I need His help.
It takes a while to figure out where your line is. And even then the damn thing has a tendency to move. And it takes time for someone else to pin down your moving line. So it's easy to cross when you are trying to push the limits. And damn do I like having my limits pushed. In a love/hate kind of way.
It is possible to experience ttwd and come out cleaner, heal old wounds, expand your mind and the way you see existence, to create a relationship that is, to plagiarize myself (can you do that?), closer than skin will allow.
And it is also quite possible to come out wounded and damaged, with new scars and a relationship lacking mental intimacy.
I believe that overall, we come closest to shark infested waters when we deal with pain or humiliation.
Pain factors into Alpha and I's relationship, but it's not something He generally pushes further than I think I can go. Pain, while extremely physical, is also a very mental experience--how it is given, how it is taken, the individual processes along the way.
I think humiliation (referencing myself again of course), is a bit different. It can be kind of like swimming with dolphins in shark infested waters--dangerous but oh so incredible. And it's not so much about the event itself as what happens afterwards. So maybe the line between growth and damage isn't so much about what happens when we play on the edge, but the things that happen when we hang off of it.
I'm gonna get sidetracked with humiliation for a minute here...I used to think it was squarely on the wrong side of my little line in the sand. And then I learned that there is nothing quite like it. Having someone piss all over you and treat you like a dirty whore one minute, then turn around and tell you that they love and respect you the more for it and you can try to take over the world again tomorrow? It's one hell of an experience. Yes, I know run-on sentences are one of my major grammatical errors. I can't help it if that's how I think lol.
And it's tricky, because that worthless feeling can be a sneaky little bitch who wants to sit next to you and be a close companion. Sometimes she wants to hang around and mess with your head. That's why what happens afterwards is so important--It can crush her or bring her in for coffee.
Alpha likes to say that He will hurt but never harm me. And I think that is an important distinction. Hurt is a temporary experience that offer opportunities for growth. Harm occurs when there are adverse impacts with lasting effects.
How do we avoid crossing that sometimes finite line between to much and not enough, between hurt and harm--how do we walk on the perfect road? Never gonna happen 100% of the time. Huff at me all you want lol. It will still remain true.
But I do believe it is possible to maintain an overall healthy balance.
There's no substitution for knowing someone well. Alpha knows me well, and is quite acquainted with my migrating line in the sand--He has moved it upon occasion. The better a Dom knows their sub, the easier it is to avoid damage.
At the risk of sounding hypocritical, I think that safe words (and actually using them), can really prevent a lot of harm and diffuse situations before they reach the point of causing damage. They give submissives the tools to help prevent harm. If you have one? Use it when you need it. Not after. And the better you know yourself, the more effective and useful it will be.
Is there one single point where everyone's line intersects, a common point between pushing the limits and incurring damage? If so, I think that it is an emotional intersection. Perhaps a feeling in common...But whatever path gets us there will be unique to each.
Saturday, November 26, 2011
Growing Pains
Long ago I had this realization that I couldn't control my own sexuality. And since I couldn't control it, I repressed it. While my brain-to-mouth filter is terrible a bit lacking, my ability to repress things is actually rather good. I can push things so far down that even I can't seem to reach them.
I am used to being in control of desire. Well, in a one-way-street kind of manner--turning it off. Can't turn it on to save my life, but I am very good at turning desires off.
Growth can be painful. Some of the most defining experiences of my life were the most painful. But they made me grow. Unwillingly perhaps lol, but evolution nonetheless.
I'm having a little crisis of self. While I feel like I am growing and changing for the better, I also question myself--what does it mean, who will I be, how will it go? I feel like I have jumped in the deep end and never actually learned how to swim. That I am becoming someone I don't know how to be.
Alpha says that I think to much. That I am afraid of myself.
Really though, is there anything more terrifying and unavoidable as oneself? After all, there is a wanton needy whore locked up down there. And she is seriously lacking in self control.
I am used to being in control of desire. Well, in a one-way-street kind of manner--turning it off. Can't turn it on to save my life, but I am very good at turning desires off.
Growth can be painful. Some of the most defining experiences of my life were the most painful. But they made me grow. Unwillingly perhaps lol, but evolution nonetheless.
I'm having a little crisis of self. While I feel like I am growing and changing for the better, I also question myself--what does it mean, who will I be, how will it go? I feel like I have jumped in the deep end and never actually learned how to swim. That I am becoming someone I don't know how to be.
Alpha says that I think to much. That I am afraid of myself.
Really though, is there anything more terrifying and unavoidable as oneself? After all, there is a wanton needy whore locked up down there. And she is seriously lacking in self control.
Friday, November 25, 2011
Tell and some Transcendence
Interrupting regularly scheduled programming for show and tell. Well, tell anyways. I doubt I'll ever "show" lol.
I have a long held, deeply personal, and completely involuntary Thanksgiving tradition: I will accidentally mess myself up in any possible way that presents itself.
Some exhibits from past years include:
Almost chopping my finger off with an ax, multiple occasions of shutting my fingers in car doors, and various kitchen knife malfunctions.
My skills are spectacular!
This year, I am pleased to report that I have neared my previous (though still standing), record with the ax--twisted ankle on the way out the door. So umm, I guess my lesson here is be thankful I still have fingers and haven't broken anything besides my pride? Well, pride is overrated anyways.
Now back to the regularly scheduled rambling...
Sometimes I think my posts come out so raw that the negativity is what draws attention. Very rarely are my posts as much about the issues I'm having, as they are about what I gained or am trying to learn from a particular issue/experience. I guess what I'm getting at is that my hope is not to leave people with a description of my problems as much as to highlight growth through them and find my own way.
When I write about painful events, I don't want sympathy. I do it because it is part of my crazy little journey. It is a reflection of being human, something we all share, an inevitable occurrence on the path of life.
I believe that writing isn't so much about where we want to be and what we want people to see, as it is about the journey and sharing the truths that we discover along the way.
In reality, as crappy as my week was, I have had realizations that are...transcendent? And yes, I did look it up for good measure lol:
I have a long held, deeply personal, and completely involuntary Thanksgiving tradition: I will accidentally mess myself up in any possible way that presents itself.
Some exhibits from past years include:
Almost chopping my finger off with an ax, multiple occasions of shutting my fingers in car doors, and various kitchen knife malfunctions.
My skills are spectacular!
This year, I am pleased to report that I have neared my previous (though still standing), record with the ax--twisted ankle on the way out the door. So umm, I guess my lesson here is be thankful I still have fingers and haven't broken anything besides my pride? Well, pride is overrated anyways.
Now back to the regularly scheduled rambling...
Sometimes I think my posts come out so raw that the negativity is what draws attention. Very rarely are my posts as much about the issues I'm having, as they are about what I gained or am trying to learn from a particular issue/experience. I guess what I'm getting at is that my hope is not to leave people with a description of my problems as much as to highlight growth through them and find my own way.
When I write about painful events, I don't want sympathy. I do it because it is part of my crazy little journey. It is a reflection of being human, something we all share, an inevitable occurrence on the path of life.
I believe that writing isn't so much about where we want to be and what we want people to see, as it is about the journey and sharing the truths that we discover along the way.
In reality, as crappy as my week was, I have had realizations that are...transcendent? And yes, I did look it up for good measure lol:
"1 a : exceeding usual limits : surpassing b : extending or lying beyond the limits of ordinary experience c in Kantian philosophy : being beyond the limits of all possible experience and knowledge
2: being beyond comprehension"
Looking back at past events and facing old ways of thinking, it made me take a mental step in the present.
And I'm not sure where it's going, though I amobsessively faithfully attempting to figure it out.
For a long time my physical limits had a huge hand in defining our sex life and our relationship as a whole. Over the years we learned that the majority of my physical issues were merely a manifestation of mental issues. And damned if those don't have the potential to be so much harder to heal.
ttwd changed everything. Mostly, I believe, because it starts in the mind. The less Alpha allows my perceptions and preconceived notions of my physical and mental limitations to define our interactions, the better my body and mind adapt.
Have I quit making sense yet? Because I haven't analyzed this to death yet you know; so I'm still on the fence as to whether or not it makes sense. I'm not finished dissecting it and examining all the various parts; though I am starting to think there might actually be such a thing as over analyzing.
The thing is, the deeper we go down the rabbit hole, the more terrified I become. Because I am so brilliant with walls, I mean, I gots major skills--you want a practically impenetrable wall that wraps around the world? I can build it in my mind. And various ones have been slowly toppling over time.
And I made a decision a long time ago--that I would not need, desire wouldn't fuel me, I would not be whateverthehellitis I appear to be turning into.
Yea, I just knew I could not allow myself to be a wanton whore.
At the same time, this is merely a manifestation of something that I have been both craving and repressing for a very long time. My brain-to-mouth filter isbroken somewhat lacking, but repression is one of the more questionable skills that I have down to a science.
Looking back at past events and facing old ways of thinking, it made me take a mental step in the present.
And I'm not sure where it's going, though I am
For a long time my physical limits had a huge hand in defining our sex life and our relationship as a whole. Over the years we learned that the majority of my physical issues were merely a manifestation of mental issues. And damned if those don't have the potential to be so much harder to heal.
ttwd changed everything. Mostly, I believe, because it starts in the mind. The less Alpha allows my perceptions and preconceived notions of my physical and mental limitations to define our interactions, the better my body and mind adapt.
Have I quit making sense yet? Because I haven't analyzed this to death yet you know; so I'm still on the fence as to whether or not it makes sense. I'm not finished dissecting it and examining all the various parts; though I am starting to think there might actually be such a thing as over analyzing.
The thing is, the deeper we go down the rabbit hole, the more terrified I become. Because I am so brilliant with walls, I mean, I gots major skills--you want a practically impenetrable wall that wraps around the world? I can build it in my mind. And various ones have been slowly toppling over time.
And I made a decision a long time ago--that I would not need, desire wouldn't fuel me, I would not be whateverthehellitis I appear to be turning into.
Yea, I just knew I could not allow myself to be a wanton whore.
At the same time, this is merely a manifestation of something that I have been both craving and repressing for a very long time. My brain-to-mouth filter is
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Giving thanks--dysfunctional style
I'm gonna skip the whole holiday bit today...After all, I'm more important to me right lol.
Anyone who has personal experience with self harm may want to skip out now and visit one of the lovely reads over on the right. Your call.
Disclaimer duly posted.
I had a very bad day yesterday and it actually had a quite a lovely ending. First off, I was predisposed to angst--holidays have been kind of rough over the last couple of years. I miss my father. And you might think that the day they spent bitching about a holiday originating in massacre would be the last time you would miss someone, but it's really not. Truthfully, I miss sitting there eating swearing up and down that we all know the story and begging him to stop before passing the cranberry sauce.
Secondly, angst got a hold of me in other ways and just turned into outright rage and misery about things/people completely unrelated to my underlying sadness (eight year old boy with major attitude problem, free to good home!)
That all being said, I used to be a cutter. It's not something I talk about, and rarely do I think about it either. I don't need anybody to tell me self harm is stupid (accidents however, are something klutzes like me are quite prone to. And they happen lol). But I do now have more of an understanding of what compelled me to do so than I ever have before.
In my early teens it was an attempt at scrubbing a layer of filth off my being that I just couldn't get rid of. It was never an extremely common experience for me, but in later years I did it for different reasons (well, perhaps a bit of both). It became about rage. The kind of rage where you just want to break things and smash another person's face into something. It was about not being able to release excess negative feeling. And cutting gave me that.
I haven't so much as looked at a razor in over five years and thought about doing anything besides cleaning windows with it.
Alpha wasn't home yesterday and I was having a Very bad day. I wanted to break things. Beat my kid, and maybe blow up the world just for shits and giggles. Since none of those options was feasible, my irrational and raging brain offered me another solution that seemed much more doable.
I thought about it. A lot. And self harm is against the rules. Oh so very clearly against the rules. It's not a "oh crap I forgot to ask if I could wear underwear" kind of offense either. And all I could see in my mind was Alpha's face--that look of utter disgust and disappointment that makes me feel like I am an inch tall and just crawled out of the sewer.
So when He got home, I confessed my weak moment. Hastily pointing out that I hadn't actually done anything, I saw the look of disappointment. Thankfully lacking in complete disgust, but disappointment is a hard pill to swallow.
One of the ways that ttwd serves us is that it allows me to let go of sadness and rage through pain. It gives Him a healthy outlet for His own anger (and before anyone climbs up on their mighty little high-horse, He has never punished or struck me in anger. Nor do I believe He ever will).
I confessed my mental crimes. Alpha sighed and informed me that I was going to be punished. On one hand I was kind of hurt about it, I mean I hadn't actually done it after all. On the other hand, I was thankful because I needed it for many reasons. Primarily because it would give me my fix. A way to let everything inside. Just. Go.
He whipped me with the riding crop. 20 strikes can be enjoyable or unbearable. These were most definitely Not the enjoyable kind. He told me that He was sorry He had to punish me but He didn't want me thinking those kinds of things. That He was sad because He thought we were beyond this, that my pain His His domain. Then He looked at me with sadness pouring out His eyes, and informed me that He was very disappointed.
Yea, I couldn't let myself cry from the pain, but that one sentence was the very last straw. And I cried. As He slowly kissed away the pain, He said this was behind us once again, that my pain is His domain and if I need it I have to ask Him to give it, that He loved me deeply and was going to use me.
He gave me a new orgasm record (not much for most of you lol, but incredible for me), and passed out on the couch beside me since I'm still sleeping on the floor.
I don't know that I have ever given such a genuine "thank you" for punishment in my whole life.
I am thankful for that punishment. And I am thankful that He knows what I need and is willing to give it to me.
Anyone who has personal experience with self harm may want to skip out now and visit one of the lovely reads over on the right. Your call.
Disclaimer duly posted.
I had a very bad day yesterday and it actually had a quite a lovely ending. First off, I was predisposed to angst--holidays have been kind of rough over the last couple of years. I miss my father. And you might think that the day they spent bitching about a holiday originating in massacre would be the last time you would miss someone, but it's really not. Truthfully, I miss sitting there eating swearing up and down that we all know the story and begging him to stop before passing the cranberry sauce.
Secondly, angst got a hold of me in other ways and just turned into outright rage and misery about things/people completely unrelated to my underlying sadness (eight year old boy with major attitude problem, free to good home!)
That all being said, I used to be a cutter. It's not something I talk about, and rarely do I think about it either. I don't need anybody to tell me self harm is stupid (accidents however, are something klutzes like me are quite prone to. And they happen lol). But I do now have more of an understanding of what compelled me to do so than I ever have before.
In my early teens it was an attempt at scrubbing a layer of filth off my being that I just couldn't get rid of. It was never an extremely common experience for me, but in later years I did it for different reasons (well, perhaps a bit of both). It became about rage. The kind of rage where you just want to break things and smash another person's face into something. It was about not being able to release excess negative feeling. And cutting gave me that.
I haven't so much as looked at a razor in over five years and thought about doing anything besides cleaning windows with it.
Alpha wasn't home yesterday and I was having a Very bad day. I wanted to break things. Beat my kid, and maybe blow up the world just for shits and giggles. Since none of those options was feasible, my irrational and raging brain offered me another solution that seemed much more doable.
I thought about it. A lot. And self harm is against the rules. Oh so very clearly against the rules. It's not a "oh crap I forgot to ask if I could wear underwear" kind of offense either. And all I could see in my mind was Alpha's face--that look of utter disgust and disappointment that makes me feel like I am an inch tall and just crawled out of the sewer.
So when He got home, I confessed my weak moment. Hastily pointing out that I hadn't actually done anything, I saw the look of disappointment. Thankfully lacking in complete disgust, but disappointment is a hard pill to swallow.
One of the ways that ttwd serves us is that it allows me to let go of sadness and rage through pain. It gives Him a healthy outlet for His own anger (and before anyone climbs up on their mighty little high-horse, He has never punished or struck me in anger. Nor do I believe He ever will).
I confessed my mental crimes. Alpha sighed and informed me that I was going to be punished. On one hand I was kind of hurt about it, I mean I hadn't actually done it after all. On the other hand, I was thankful because I needed it for many reasons. Primarily because it would give me my fix. A way to let everything inside. Just. Go.
He whipped me with the riding crop. 20 strikes can be enjoyable or unbearable. These were most definitely Not the enjoyable kind. He told me that He was sorry He had to punish me but He didn't want me thinking those kinds of things. That He was sad because He thought we were beyond this, that my pain His His domain. Then He looked at me with sadness pouring out His eyes, and informed me that He was very disappointed.
Yea, I couldn't let myself cry from the pain, but that one sentence was the very last straw. And I cried. As He slowly kissed away the pain, He said this was behind us once again, that my pain is His domain and if I need it I have to ask Him to give it, that He loved me deeply and was going to use me.
He gave me a new orgasm record (not much for most of you lol, but incredible for me), and passed out on the couch beside me since I'm still sleeping on the floor.
I don't know that I have ever given such a genuine "thank you" for punishment in my whole life.
I am thankful for that punishment. And I am thankful that He knows what I need and is willing to give it to me.
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
My Physical Therapsit is a_______?
I go to her of my own free will
She proceeds to hurt me while I lay there and take it.
She talks me through it and makes me breath.
I thank her when she's donetormenting fixing me.
She hooks me up to some sort ofmedieval torture electric shock device.
She tapes me up. Tape!
She puts ice on me. I absolutely hate cold of any kind!
She makes me do all kinds of things I don't want to do.
Then she gives me a long list of things I can't do.
She took away my pillow.
And to top it all off, she makes me sleep on the floor. The next day she asks me how I slept with a knowingly sympathetic smile and no intention of allowing me to return to my bed.
If you guessed
sadist.
You win.
However, all awards must be self-supplied lol.
She proceeds to hurt me while I lay there and take it.
She talks me through it and makes me breath.
I thank her when she's done
She hooks me up to some sort of
She tapes me up. Tape!
She puts ice on me. I absolutely hate cold of any kind!
She makes me do all kinds of things I don't want to do.
Then she gives me a long list of things I can't do.
She took away my pillow.
And to top it all off, she makes me sleep on the floor. The next day she asks me how I slept with a knowingly sympathetic smile and no intention of allowing me to return to my bed.
If you guessed
sadist.
You win.
However, all awards must be self-supplied lol.
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