Dictating Terms of Submission

So I had this light-bulb moment where I realized that, while I no longer attempt to dictate the terms of Alpha's Dominance, I still can't seem to quit trying to dictate the terms of my submission.
And there it sits, my uncomfortable, brilliant (albeit possibly quite obvious), little realization. And I haven't a clue in hell as to what to do with it.

I know it's not good and that I need to work on it. It seems to me like the antithesis of submission. The more I think about this, the more it bothers me.
I'm not sure if my realization was a sign of growth, or the fact that I try to dictate the terms of my submission says terrible things about me as a sub lol.

But that's about all I got.
Does it have something to do with the fact that I still seem to view it as "my" submission? See what happens when I try to answer questions? More questions.

In an attempt at a semi clear thought process...
I do believe that there are instances where it is important to dictate the terms of one's submission. Pick your jaw up off the floor. I know I'm trying to get over it, but that doesn't mean everyone should--a new relationship is a good example of where it would be good to dictate some terms of submission for your own well-being.

Now that I have satisfied my moral obligations, more mememe.

I think that, in the past, when I attempted to dictate the terms of Alpha's Dominance, it was very much about wanting him to do it "right." In other words, my way. Which is really completely backwards and so...Anti the whole concept of D/s and many of the things we both value in ttwd.

Dictating the terms of my submission is saying "I will submit when, I will submit if, I will choose to submit as I wish, not as I am told, I will submit on my terms, not yours."
Hmmm, not pretty is it?

So how exactly does one go about stepping over this particular hurdle? Not a metaphorical question lol.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I wrote that a couple of weeks ago...And I'm hoping that as I sit down to finish it, maybe I will see more revelations than I reached before. Maybe. Lol.

Neither one of us wants a power exchange relationship that exists within constraints of my making. And yes, I have always been a fan of getting my way. Surprised right? Lol.

The thing is, by attempting to define the terms of my submission, I stalled our growth without even seeing it. Because after all, I no longer attempted to define the terms of his Dominance, and it's always a bit harder to look inside that out.

So now that I see I do it, where to from there? I guess "why" is a logical next step (for someone who thinks too much anyways). And I do believe it's because I see us as being at a fork in the road--it's further into the abyss, or scratching desperately for a way out. 

Limbo isn't a long-term option--Alpha will float with me for a bit, but limbo is not a state he will allow us to stay in for long. Which is good, because I hate it too, but seem to be the one who lands there most often.

And further into the abyss...Well it's kinda scary you know, for an opinionated control freak who over thinks everything. It feels kind of like dictating the terms of my submission is all I really have left of control.

From there...Stopping the behavior. I guess I could put in a request for more regular beatings lol, but I doubt that would change the internal issues that cause it in the first place.
I think that, at least for now, really paying attention and catching myself as soon as I start trying to dictate terms is a good step.

And I know it sounds corny, but after my recent experiences dealing with thing1's addictions, I can safely say that whole whole adage about "admitting you have a problem being the first step to recovery," is very true. I'm hoping that the same holds true here. Because we cannot change that which we refuse to see.

We are at a bit of a fork in the road on this journey we call D/s. And I can tell that Alpha is done backing off and waiting in limbo. Neither of us does very well there anyways.
Skimming back over this post makes me feel like I haven't really presented a clear answer to my dilemma. But perhaps some answers only become truly clear in retrospect?

To yield is not always easy, but sometimes it is the battle that makes us weak.

Words

Why can I not find the words to say how I feel

when your hands are entwined in my hair

as your breath floats across my neck.

The way my being melts when your hand wraps around my throat

and your voice whispers in my ear

"Mine."

How my body warms at the look in your eyes

as I hear your belt slipping out of its loops.

 Those times you piss all over me 

and I am of no mind

being 

only

yours.

I cannot put not voice to the way my heart melts
when you wrap me in your arms and rest your lips on my head

I search for, yet cannot find

words for these things

that you do to me.

Those ways in which your bindings have set me free

to simply 

be.

And I cannot find the words for what you are to me

but know

that I am 

and will always be

yours.

Evolutionary Processes Take Time??

It's funny how sometimes I think I write clearly, and then somehow it gets muddled up between my brain and my words.
I doubt we will ever give up on ttwd. So much of what was not good in our relationship before has been righted by D/s. I feel like we are good, inseparable and unbreakable.

I just like being the best in a very neurotic way to be good at what I do, good with who I am.
Life is easing back to some semblance of normal. Unfortunately, my normal is feeling exceptionally strange about life for a while before my birthday. And that tends to bleed into everything.

Standing in the kitchen as Alpha twisted my hair in his hands and informed me of just what he would be doing to me later, feeling my knees weaken and my body grow hot, I realized that ttwd is part of us now. It's not going away.
There ups and downs, failures and success, moments of incredible passion and heart wrenching fear--but D/s is woven more deeply into our relationship than it has appeared to be lately.
And there's also the ridiculous little fact that my body responds to him in my sleep better than when I'm awake and fighting with my own mind. Which is very different than in previous years. Little things like that show me how far we really have come.

I wonder if perhaps I am simply lacking in patience. We have been D/s for only about five years. And maybe it's one of those evolutionary things that simply comes with time. Alpha has just evolved a bit faster than me. Me being a slow learner and all.

I'm thinking that the submissive I want to be, kind of submission I seek, is an evolutionary process of time. And just maybe, if I have a little more patience with myself, and work on that whole "dictating the terms of my submission" thing, I will find my way there.

Up Down and Back Around

I seem to go through an odd phase between "off" and when the need kicks in. It's a bit of a war with self for me. Can't live without it--invade my being, and please leave me the hell alone. Ummm...Confused much?

It is the absolute opposition of my feelings that bothers me. Well, what really bothers me most is that I feel Alpha deserves better. Though perhaps that is an insecurity post all in its own?

Things have been tumultuous around here to say the least, and Alpha loosened the reins, because I can't seem to really behave like property while dealing with crises. Less demands from him means less chance for me to disappoint, for conflict surrounding my submission to arise, and less overall frustration for him.

The problem lies in coming back to place. Given my head I run. This works quite well for getting things taken care of, but I keep running after the trauma is passed. I forget that he controls my direction, my pace, how much leeway I have.
Or more honestly, I just ignore it.

This whole 24/7 thing? It's a bit complicated sometimes. And I often wonder (because I spend way to much time pondering random things), if it's easier to enter a relationship with the power exchange dynamic already in place.
As fascinated as I am with personal evolution and growing as a human being, I often feel that I have become stagnant--that perhaps I will never grow to be the submissive I feel I should.

Wonderfully enough, he doesn't give up on me. After I run and fall off the ledge he takes me back under his wing time and time again. But I think that maybe he shouldn't have to do that? Or perhaps it is simply a condition of being human...

Maybe my whole "crisis of my life's accomplishments" bit is bleeding over lol.

Sex and Submission

While I do believe that it's the mental and day to day aspects that make ttwd what it is, I also associate sex with submission.

For me, sex equals submission. Without submission I don't enjoy sex.

I was thinking about this as I drifted off to sleep last night in a happy, submissive puddle of jello.

The thing is, when I'm a bit off, so is our sex life. Okay, okay, when I'm really struggling with submission, our sex life is nonexistent.
Yes, I can submit when I don't really feel it, but I can't seem to really enjoy pleasure or pain; I can't sink into them and let sensation take me away with him--I drift off alone with my own little version of dissociation. Which is very much against the rules. To say Alpha hates it would probably be an understatement.

There is always some form of Dominance and submission in our sex, but I wonder why I don't enjoy it when I feel un-submissive, why I can't simply stay there in the moment and just...Be.

D/s is most certainly not all about sex. But for me, sex is very much about D/s.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

His body was pressed against mine, one hand wrapped around my throat, the other entwined in my hair. His voice speaking softly in my ear "silly little one, always fighting so hard against what you want and need the most."

And I wonder about that too--why must I struggle so against my deepest needs and desires?

Security

 Because I do have a life outside of family drama, one that I'm rather happy with in fact, I would so like to spend more time focusing on it lol...


In objective theory, I believe that it's best to provide one's own sense of security. From where I am standing in my life? Alpha provides me with security. He always has.

In part, I think it's the sense of security he provides that inspires my submission to him. I used to define it as safety, but it just didn't encompass the feeling sufficiently.

For instance, he provides me with physical safety, but if push comes to shove I am certainly capable of providing my own protection; something he has actually been quite insistent upon.
I don't seem to be nearly as capable of providing myself with a sense of security--when I'm home alone, I will stay up until ungodly hours listening to the dogs bark.

I can drive well in the snow--I am secure if he drives me through it though.
I can make the hard decisions--but I am secure in them when he is by my side.
I can sleep in the damn bed by myself--but I don't rest. My insecurities and worries set up camp and have a party.
I am capable of Dominating my own life--but in his Dominance I am secure.
I am a compulsive worrier--Alpha provides me with a sense of security that abates those worries.

I was raised very much...Outside of the world most people live in. Alpha taught me how to survive and exist in that world. And so perhaps I have come to rely to much on the sense of security with which he provides me.

As time passes on our journey down the path of ttwd, my sense of security becomes more entwined in him.
Nothing makes me feel quite as secure as his Dominance.
It's the sweet moments when he tilts my face up and kisses my forehead, his touch firm and commanding, yet kind and loving, the times when his hands are wrapped around my throat and his voice whispers sweet nothings in my ear, when he forces me to my knees with his hands in my hair; it is these  moments where I am most secure in everything.

The drawback? Obsessive worry shit I have realized that I worry about Alpha even more than I used to.
And can I just mention as a side note, that being me a submissive and looking after your Dominant's health is hell twice over?

I am randomly afflicted, I know...

But yes, he provides my sense of security. Perhaps it's not ideal that it comes from him, not within me; however, This security contributes greatly to our growth in this exchange of power that we call Dominance and submission.

And I wouldn't trade it for the world.

Miles and miles and miles and miles...

1,000 Miles of driving across two states, three days in the truck, two plane tickets for babygirl and thing2--and babygirl is safely ensconced on the other side of the country far away from thing1.

I. Am. So. Friggin. Tired.

My unwanted award seems to be glowing ever more brightly by the day...
I keep saying that, like everything else in life, D/s moves in cycles. Somedays I wonder if I'm just trying to convince myself to make me feel better lol.
Because lately I have been feeling about as submissive as a rock.
Scratch that, rocks are probably far easier to deal with--they don't talk back, and tend to stay in their place.

At this point, I probably shouldn't be talking at all, even in type. I think I'm going to practice becoming one with the couch for a bit. Lofty goals here huh lol.