There's something super hot and sexy about lying on my back while he jacks off into my mouth.
So I'm there on my back, mouth wide open just like he wants me. I have already been fucked into a malleable ball of sex, so sexy isn't a stretch to pull off...
Then he starts to cum, and he has really good aim, so it's all going in my mouth. Then he decides to spread the love around. Before I know it, there's a stream creeping towards my nose.
I'm trying really hard not to ruin the moment and I tilt my head just a tiny bit and stop breathing through my nose, but you know--with a full mouth, not breathing through one's nose is exceptionally difficult.
So I twitch my face just a teensy bit, trying not to lose the whole sexy look and still avoid a nose full of cum.
It didn't work.
At least one of us thought it was hilarious. I'm sure you can guess which one. Ahem.
You know, I told him the nose is a limit. I don't ask much--nose, belly button, feet. But no, he refuses to respect my limits!
And just for the record, cum in the eye is no joke either--sudden blindness is not sexy, and cum really doesn't wash out well--it's super water resistant or something.
Wanders off in search of a red flag...
These things really happen more than they should. Though in all honesty, they tend to go more towards accidental self-injury on my part.
Surely I am not completely alone in this??
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Sunday, October 28, 2012
The Possibilities of What I think I Should Think
The other day, greengirl said something about hiding behind what we think we ought to feel. It got the cogs rolling in my brain, and the whole concept and it's impact really clicked at the oddest time.
Though it all got jumbled into the back of my brain this week...But I think that it actually fits in nicely with my other recent realizations.
See, I love to let go. Just completely drown in the moment. And I am very very bad at it--think hanging on with bleeding fingernails until the very last desperate gasp.
I think this is something that has been holding me back for a long time. Say, I dunno--a lifetime? Never claimed I wasn't a slow learner lol.
A while back I had a light bulb moment where I realized that submitting how I thought that I should, wasn't really submitting.
This realization about how I think I should feel about things was very similar for me.
It is unusual for me to let go in completely wanton abandon. Because somewhere in the back of mind, I think that I shouldn't.
And lets face it, rolling around in a completely mindless ball of need, begging to be fucked, pretty much puts me completely at his mercy. And still I pretend that isn't where I long to be.
And I perform useless little acts of rebellion trying to pretend that I want less control not more, that I can't be a wanton whore, that my soul doesn't melt when he takes control of me.
I consistently try to pretend that I don't want/desire/need, things that I really do want/need/desire.
I quit making sense already didn't I? Well, it's nothing that can't be overlooked with extra coffee.
The thing is...That is not only a violation of a very cardinal rule, but it holds both of us back--him because he has to spend so much time crushing the pretense, and me because it really makes it impossible to move forwards.
I kind of wonder if it has become my one foothold for control. Let's face it--there's not much left to grab onto. While I make lots of decisions on a daily basis, he (directly or indirectly), can overrule all of them.
It's one of those doors...And you know that when you open it, things are no longer the same afterwards. And ultimately, he cannot take what I refuse to surrender.
But um, what I give up here? I won't get back. He has made that very clear.
He got the control that he has one piece at a time. And none of those pieces of control has returned to me.
I don't want them back.
The truth is, what I think I should like and need is sometimes very far from what I do want and need. So I try to give him what I think I should. Not because I am afraid that he will judge me, but because I'm afraid that knowing the possibilities I am capable of will unleash what he is capable of.
Okay, so maybe coffee won't make this legible...My bad.
The doubts I get about maybe turning out to be too twisted for him are largely irrelevant--because it has always been about the control. Not the kink or activity (though they do play nicely).
Every time I open another door for him, he gets more control in one direction or another. More pain, less pain; control this direction, not that direction; use me all the time or make me ask for it...
There are many possibilities that I do not control. And when I let out the possibilities in my mind, they become his. To do or not do terrible or exquisite things with.
Though it all got jumbled into the back of my brain this week...But I think that it actually fits in nicely with my other recent realizations.
See, I love to let go. Just completely drown in the moment. And I am very very bad at it--think hanging on with bleeding fingernails until the very last desperate gasp.
I think this is something that has been holding me back for a long time. Say, I dunno--a lifetime? Never claimed I wasn't a slow learner lol.
A while back I had a light bulb moment where I realized that submitting how I thought that I should, wasn't really submitting.
This realization about how I think I should feel about things was very similar for me.
It is unusual for me to let go in completely wanton abandon. Because somewhere in the back of mind, I think that I shouldn't.
And lets face it, rolling around in a completely mindless ball of need, begging to be fucked, pretty much puts me completely at his mercy. And still I pretend that isn't where I long to be.
And I perform useless little acts of rebellion trying to pretend that I want less control not more, that I can't be a wanton whore, that my soul doesn't melt when he takes control of me.
I consistently try to pretend that I don't want/desire/need, things that I really do want/need/desire.
I quit making sense already didn't I? Well, it's nothing that can't be overlooked with extra coffee.
The thing is...That is not only a violation of a very cardinal rule, but it holds both of us back--him because he has to spend so much time crushing the pretense, and me because it really makes it impossible to move forwards.
I kind of wonder if it has become my one foothold for control. Let's face it--there's not much left to grab onto. While I make lots of decisions on a daily basis, he (directly or indirectly), can overrule all of them.
It's one of those doors...And you know that when you open it, things are no longer the same afterwards. And ultimately, he cannot take what I refuse to surrender.
But um, what I give up here? I won't get back. He has made that very clear.
He got the control that he has one piece at a time. And none of those pieces of control has returned to me.
I don't want them back.
The truth is, what I think I should like and need is sometimes very far from what I do want and need. So I try to give him what I think I should. Not because I am afraid that he will judge me, but because I'm afraid that knowing the possibilities I am capable of will unleash what he is capable of.
Okay, so maybe coffee won't make this legible...My bad.
The doubts I get about maybe turning out to be too twisted for him are largely irrelevant--because it has always been about the control. Not the kink or activity (though they do play nicely).
Every time I open another door for him, he gets more control in one direction or another. More pain, less pain; control this direction, not that direction; use me all the time or make me ask for it...
There are many possibilities that I do not control. And when I let out the possibilities in my mind, they become his. To do or not do terrible or exquisite things with.
Saturday, October 27, 2012
Conversations From the Past Lead to Realizations of Today
I have done an excessive exceptional amount of thinking over the last few days. I think that all those thoughts are starting to form something coherent. Maybe.
My realizations about our dynamic and control threw me for a it of a loop. My first reaction was a tiny touch of panic. That panic quickly turned into need (natural progression from one end of the spectrum to the other right). Then came the doubt and a teensy tiny identity crisis.
Doubt about how far he is willing to take us.
I wonder sometimes, how long that doubt will continue to reoccur. The questioning of what happens if I fall further than he is willing to go, what if he tells me "Far enough," what if...
And then there was the identity crisis. I do think that I'm a bit old for such things, but it is what it is.
I never really pay much attention to the distinctions between submissive and slave. It doesn't matter to me which title someone chooses to go by, and I have always identified myself as submissive not slave because...Hmmm, not sure actually, it just seemed more accurate.
Then suddenly one day (okay, last week), that definition began to matter to me. In my life. How and who I define myself to be. And I'm still not positive which label fits or why I suddenly feel the need to define those lines more clearly for myself.
I started thinking about the conversations we had years ago--the ones where we sat down and discussed how D/s was going to work for us, what our parameters were, what we did and did not want to come of it.
I remember me freaking out and asking him "What happens if you don't like what you let out, and I want to go further than you are willing, what if, what if, what if?" That is when he put down the basic ground rules.
"Whatever you let out, whatever we become, whoever you are that you tried to hide away, it's okay. All you have to do is remember that I control it. And everything will be fine."
He also informed me that there were circumstances in which he would put an end to, or at least take a step back from, our D/s--if I began to display an inability to function independently.
And that was it. The basic platform we started from.
Alpha is a straightforward man. He does not say things he doesn't mean, and he doesn't go back on his word once he has given it.
Even though I had mostly forgotten those past conversations, looking back, he hasn't deviated from those first statements.
I think that it can be all to easy to let doubt creep in when one is the person to have initially discovered ttwd in an already established relationship. It doesn't always work, and everyone has a place that they will not venture beyond. When incompatibility of depth occurs, conflicts arise.
So I do sometimes wonder if we will eventually discover that I'm a shade too twisted. But if I remember that first statement he made, those fears become irrelevant.
Because apparently, he is rather good at this whole Dominant thing.
And whatever I am, whatever I may be, I strive to be the best that I can at it.
Together we become more than the sum of our parts. And the less time I spend looking down the road, the more I live and love wherever we are at in this crazy journey we are on.
My realizations about our dynamic and control threw me for a it of a loop. My first reaction was a tiny touch of panic. That panic quickly turned into need (natural progression from one end of the spectrum to the other right). Then came the doubt and a teensy tiny identity crisis.
Doubt about how far he is willing to take us.
I wonder sometimes, how long that doubt will continue to reoccur. The questioning of what happens if I fall further than he is willing to go, what if he tells me "Far enough," what if...
And then there was the identity crisis. I do think that I'm a bit old for such things, but it is what it is.
I never really pay much attention to the distinctions between submissive and slave. It doesn't matter to me which title someone chooses to go by, and I have always identified myself as submissive not slave because...Hmmm, not sure actually, it just seemed more accurate.
Then suddenly one day (okay, last week), that definition began to matter to me. In my life. How and who I define myself to be. And I'm still not positive which label fits or why I suddenly feel the need to define those lines more clearly for myself.
I started thinking about the conversations we had years ago--the ones where we sat down and discussed how D/s was going to work for us, what our parameters were, what we did and did not want to come of it.
I remember me freaking out and asking him "What happens if you don't like what you let out, and I want to go further than you are willing, what if, what if, what if?" That is when he put down the basic ground rules.
"Whatever you let out, whatever we become, whoever you are that you tried to hide away, it's okay. All you have to do is remember that I control it. And everything will be fine."
He also informed me that there were circumstances in which he would put an end to, or at least take a step back from, our D/s--if I began to display an inability to function independently.
And that was it. The basic platform we started from.
Alpha is a straightforward man. He does not say things he doesn't mean, and he doesn't go back on his word once he has given it.
Even though I had mostly forgotten those past conversations, looking back, he hasn't deviated from those first statements.
I think that it can be all to easy to let doubt creep in when one is the person to have initially discovered ttwd in an already established relationship. It doesn't always work, and everyone has a place that they will not venture beyond. When incompatibility of depth occurs, conflicts arise.
So I do sometimes wonder if we will eventually discover that I'm a shade too twisted. But if I remember that first statement he made, those fears become irrelevant.
Because apparently, he is rather good at this whole Dominant thing.
And whatever I am, whatever I may be, I strive to be the best that I can at it.
Together we become more than the sum of our parts. And the less time I spend looking down the road, the more I live and love wherever we are at in this crazy journey we are on.
Thursday, October 25, 2012
Rambling Substitute--a Meme
There's so much going on in my brain, that none of it has any intention of coming out clearly. Yet somehow I still have to post something...Because my brain will not shut up and something has to get out to make space for it all lol.
So, in the spirit of avoiding what's really happening in my head but still rambling on, I'm going with what appears to be a running theme in Blogland this week:
Only two rules: You must answer yes or no. You may not explain unless someone asks.
Oh geez, those rules are kind of crappy. I mean, one has to define "public place, slept with, red light..." And then where's the option to just refuse to answer on the grounds of self-incriminaion?
It's very much up to the reader's interpretations isn't it?
Taken a
picture naked? Yes
Made money illegally? No
Had a one night stand? No
Been in a fist fight? No
Slept with your best friend? Yes
Had sex in a public place? No?
Ditched work to have sex? No
Slept with a member of the same sex? Yes
Seen someone die? Yes
Ran from the police? No
Woke up somewhere and not remember how you got there? No
Worn your partners unmentionables? No
Fallen asleep at work? Yes
Used toys in the bedroom? Yes
Ran a red light? Yes
Been fired? No
Been in a car accident? Yes
Pole danced or done a striptease? No
Loved someone you shouldn't? Yes
Sang karaoke? No
Done something you told yourself you wouldn't? Yes
Laughed so hard you peed your pants? Yes
Caught someone having sex? Yes
Kissed a perfect stranger? No
Shaved your partner? Yes
Given your private parts a nickname? No
Ever gone in public without underwear? Yes
Had sex on a roof top? No
Played chicken? No
Mooned/flashed someone? Yes
Do you sleep naked? Yes
Blacked out from drinking? No
Felt like killing someone? Yes
Had sex more than 5 times in one day? No
Been with someone because they were in a band? No
Taken 10 shots of liquor in a day? No
Shot a gun? Yes
Gone outside naked? Yes
So, in the spirit of avoiding what's really happening in my head but still rambling on, I'm going with what appears to be a running theme in Blogland this week:
Only two rules: You must answer yes or no. You may not explain unless someone asks.
Oh geez, those rules are kind of crappy. I mean, one has to define "public place, slept with, red light..." And then where's the option to just refuse to answer on the grounds of self-incriminaion?
It's very much up to the reader's interpretations isn't it?
Made money illegally? No
Had a one night stand? No
Been in a fist fight? No
Slept with your best friend? Yes
Had sex in a public place? No?
Ditched work to have sex? No
Slept with a member of the same sex? Yes
Seen someone die? Yes
Ran from the police? No
Woke up somewhere and not remember how you got there? No
Worn your partners unmentionables? No
Fallen asleep at work? Yes
Used toys in the bedroom? Yes
Ran a red light? Yes
Been fired? No
Been in a car accident? Yes
Pole danced or done a striptease? No
Loved someone you shouldn't? Yes
Sang karaoke? No
Done something you told yourself you wouldn't? Yes
Laughed so hard you peed your pants? Yes
Caught someone having sex? Yes
Kissed a perfect stranger? No
Shaved your partner? Yes
Given your private parts a nickname? No
Ever gone in public without underwear? Yes
Had sex on a roof top? No
Played chicken? No
Mooned/flashed someone? Yes
Do you sleep naked? Yes
Blacked out from drinking? No
Felt like killing someone? Yes
Had sex more than 5 times in one day? No
Been with someone because they were in a band? No
Taken 10 shots of liquor in a day? No
Shot a gun? Yes
Gone outside naked? Yes
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
Controlling Factors
I've had several light-bulb moments this week, and am feeling somewhat blinded by the light lol. So this may or may not make any sense whatsoever...
Ummm...Am I the only person who reads this blog that did not realize how incredibly large of a factor control is in my relationship?
Don't laugh at me--I'm serious!
Oddly enough, it took tori saying she would have thought that control was a huge part of my relationship, for me to see this so clearly. And she was even nice about it and didn't tell me that I'm dense as they come haha.
I sat back and realized that I haven't been craving more control, I've been craving more expressions of control. And I knew that control was a big part of our relationship...I just spent a lot of time denying how big.
And I don't know that I would have previously classified it as a need.
Denial much?
I also realized that while he rarely exerts extreme control over me, he does have extreme control over me.
Originally, I wasn't attracted to the control aspect of D/s. He however, was most attracted to the control aspect when we began exploring D/s.
Over time, his control increased so gradually that I rarely gave it a second thought. And because he so rarely exerts it in extreme fashions, I happily trudged around believing that his control didn't run as deep as it actually does.
I am willing to fall as far down the rabbit hole as Alpha is willing to go. The thing is, he'll do something so slowly, that it takes me ages to see it even happening (yea, yea, slow learning is a theme around here). Then he waits until my level of self acceptance catches up to where we currently stand. Sure, sometimes he gives a shove in this direction or that direction, but until I completely accept myself wherever I am at, he will refuse to go further.
And he doesn't accept where I think my level of self-acceptance is, oh no. Which drives me friggin crazy. Given my current insights, I suppose that isn't much of a stretch on his part though lol.
Of course, just because I am me, this train of events usually leaves me wondering if he has decided to draw a defining line saying that where we are at is where we will stay--because he's not running around like a hamster in a wheel lil style.
He says that I'm a fickle creature. I try to disagree.
Then there's days like today, when I have these huge realizations and go running to proclaim them loudly to him...But he doesn't see the fireworks like I do--he just chuckles calmly at me over his dinner, and points out how long he has been waiting for me to reach the aforementioned realizations.
Between my acknowledgement of that constant undercurrent of D/s in our relationship, and my latest realizations surrounding control...I dunno...I just feel a bit odd I suppose. One of those, "Too many light bulbs going off at once am blinded by the light that only I couldn't see" kind of things lol.
I have always felt that we are in the tame end of ttwd. And the truth is, that I am as extreme as he decides I am.I have known that for some time now. I just hadn't realized exactly what it meant until now.
It's a bit like standing in the dark and seeing a flash of lightning show you that you are much further from the top of the abyss than you thought you were.
Apparently he wasn't joking all those times that he said, "Enjoy your delusions."
Sigh.
I do feel a bit dense sometimes.
Interesting how acceptance changes perception isn't it.
Ummm...Am I the only person who reads this blog that did not realize how incredibly large of a factor control is in my relationship?
Don't laugh at me--I'm serious!
Oddly enough, it took tori saying she would have thought that control was a huge part of my relationship, for me to see this so clearly. And she was even nice about it and didn't tell me that I'm dense as they come haha.
I sat back and realized that I haven't been craving more control, I've been craving more expressions of control. And I knew that control was a big part of our relationship...I just spent a lot of time denying how big.
And I don't know that I would have previously classified it as a need.
Denial much?
I also realized that while he rarely exerts extreme control over me, he does have extreme control over me.
Originally, I wasn't attracted to the control aspect of D/s. He however, was most attracted to the control aspect when we began exploring D/s.
Over time, his control increased so gradually that I rarely gave it a second thought. And because he so rarely exerts it in extreme fashions, I happily trudged around believing that his control didn't run as deep as it actually does.
I am willing to fall as far down the rabbit hole as Alpha is willing to go. The thing is, he'll do something so slowly, that it takes me ages to see it even happening (yea, yea, slow learning is a theme around here). Then he waits until my level of self acceptance catches up to where we currently stand. Sure, sometimes he gives a shove in this direction or that direction, but until I completely accept myself wherever I am at, he will refuse to go further.
And he doesn't accept where I think my level of self-acceptance is, oh no. Which drives me friggin crazy. Given my current insights, I suppose that isn't much of a stretch on his part though lol.
Of course, just because I am me, this train of events usually leaves me wondering if he has decided to draw a defining line saying that where we are at is where we will stay--because he's not running around like a hamster in a wheel lil style.
He says that I'm a fickle creature. I try to disagree.
Then there's days like today, when I have these huge realizations and go running to proclaim them loudly to him...But he doesn't see the fireworks like I do--he just chuckles calmly at me over his dinner, and points out how long he has been waiting for me to reach the aforementioned realizations.
Between my acknowledgement of that constant undercurrent of D/s in our relationship, and my latest realizations surrounding control...I dunno...I just feel a bit odd I suppose. One of those, "Too many light bulbs going off at once am blinded by the light that only I couldn't see" kind of things lol.
I have always felt that we are in the tame end of ttwd. And the truth is, that I am as extreme as he decides I am.I have known that for some time now. I just hadn't realized exactly what it meant until now.
It's a bit like standing in the dark and seeing a flash of lightning show you that you are much further from the top of the abyss than you thought you were.
Apparently he wasn't joking all those times that he said, "Enjoy your delusions."
Sigh.
I do feel a bit dense sometimes.
Interesting how acceptance changes perception isn't it.
Monday, October 22, 2012
Needy Needs
You know that feeling of need that can be so ridiculously consuming and vicious? In the beginning it was totally overwhelming. So I guess it's a good thing that I was forced to go at his pace instead of diving into the fire head first.
I have found that needy feeling to have become much more manageable over time. The thing is though, it still occasionally rears it's insidious little head.
The irony is that it has taken on a new form. Drifting drastically away from pain and into the arena of control. Which isn't something that interested me very much in the beginning (oh hush).
My brain goes in one of two directions when I find myself in a position of having to exert a lot of control over life.
1. "You can't control me, I'm quite busy taking over the world thank you very much!"
2. "Oh please please pretty please, control everything I do!"
As you can see, these are rather conflicting stances that seem to exert equal amounts of pull on any given day during any given event.
I almost prefer number one--it's easier for me personally to cope with. And number two...Well it's just so damn...Needy! I'm not a huge fan of feeling needy. Plus, it takes that little thing known as common sense and throws it straight out the window.
He took the opportunity to remind me last night, how very much I am not in control. As he slid into me, he reminded me that I am his to use as he pleases, awake or asleep, willing or unwilling. Of course, that did make me all the more willing...
Like how I resisted the urge to use phrasing involving either caverns or rhinos?
It's still a bit new to me, this need to be controlled. Clearly, I still haven't really wrapped my brain around it.
The fact that my need to be controlled is balanced quite evenly balanced by my need to give up control, should be an added bonus.
I know, it seems obvious that the two go hand in hand, but such isn't always the case.
Maybe it has something to do with the fact that submission is becoming much less of a choice for me...Rarely now do I "choose" to submit--I just do. Because it is what I am.
I have found that needy feeling to have become much more manageable over time. The thing is though, it still occasionally rears it's insidious little head.
The irony is that it has taken on a new form. Drifting drastically away from pain and into the arena of control. Which isn't something that interested me very much in the beginning (oh hush).
My brain goes in one of two directions when I find myself in a position of having to exert a lot of control over life.
1. "You can't control me, I'm quite busy taking over the world thank you very much!"
2. "Oh please please pretty please, control everything I do!"
As you can see, these are rather conflicting stances that seem to exert equal amounts of pull on any given day during any given event.
I almost prefer number one--it's easier for me personally to cope with. And number two...Well it's just so damn...Needy! I'm not a huge fan of feeling needy. Plus, it takes that little thing known as common sense and throws it straight out the window.
He took the opportunity to remind me last night, how very much I am not in control. As he slid into me, he reminded me that I am his to use as he pleases, awake or asleep, willing or unwilling. Of course, that did make me all the more willing...
Like how I resisted the urge to use phrasing involving either caverns or rhinos?
It's still a bit new to me, this need to be controlled. Clearly, I still haven't really wrapped my brain around it.
The fact that my need to be controlled is balanced quite evenly balanced by my need to give up control, should be an added bonus.
I know, it seems obvious that the two go hand in hand, but such isn't always the case.
Maybe it has something to do with the fact that submission is becoming much less of a choice for me...Rarely now do I "choose" to submit--I just do. Because it is what I am.
Sunday, October 21, 2012
I Can't Write Smut
"Sigh, I can't write smut."
Alpha rolled his eyes at me, "Of course you can, you can write whatever you want to. Just because you don't write smut doesn't mean that you can't."
Oh the terrible pain that occurs when someone else's confidence in me goes so far beyond my own that it's not even funny.
"But I can't even talk dirty!" His eyes took on that particular glint that they do when he's about to say something I want to disagree with but can't because lying is against the rules. "Mmhhmmm...You can talk dirty just fine when I make you beg for what you want."
Uh...
Well...
Yesss...
But...
"I hate it when you make me beg!" Naturally, in his ever sensitive manner, he laughed at me without even bothering to choke on it, "No you don't. You love it and you know you do. Don't make me prove it to you right now."
Oh fine. I suppose there's no sense in denying something that we both know to be true.
Over the next couple of days, I figured out why I can occasionally talk smut but cannot write it (most of my deep thinking takes place in the car, what can I say). It's because when I talk it, the goal is to turn him on and get him off. So it's geared towards his fantasies.
If I wrote it...Well that would be my fantasies--not his. And that is somehow far more difficult.
Funny how that works...
Alpha rolled his eyes at me, "Of course you can, you can write whatever you want to. Just because you don't write smut doesn't mean that you can't."
Oh the terrible pain that occurs when someone else's confidence in me goes so far beyond my own that it's not even funny.
"But I can't even talk dirty!" His eyes took on that particular glint that they do when he's about to say something I want to disagree with but can't because lying is against the rules. "Mmhhmmm...You can talk dirty just fine when I make you beg for what you want."
Uh...
Well...
Yesss...
But...
"I hate it when you make me beg!" Naturally, in his ever sensitive manner, he laughed at me without even bothering to choke on it, "No you don't. You love it and you know you do. Don't make me prove it to you right now."
Oh fine. I suppose there's no sense in denying something that we both know to be true.
Over the next couple of days, I figured out why I can occasionally talk smut but cannot write it (most of my deep thinking takes place in the car, what can I say). It's because when I talk it, the goal is to turn him on and get him off. So it's geared towards his fantasies.
If I wrote it...Well that would be my fantasies--not his. And that is somehow far more difficult.
Funny how that works...
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