"Ready? This is gonna be just like last time, except I'm going to wiggle the needles around in your hips and lower back"
Lying bastard!
Last time sucked.
This time...
Oh. Ow.
I will give him credit for knowing when to stop though--it explains why no one has ever taken a needle away from him and stabbed him with it.
I'm not bitter. Nuh uh.
And today it's purple carpeted stairs here I come. However, I will not be filing a complaint with the universe. The processing and handling fee is far to large and the responses seem somewhat unpredictable.
Friday, August 31, 2012
Thursday, August 30, 2012
Formspring # 5
Apparently, the Formspring box that won't change colors for me, is not a complete waste of space.
And the proof in writing is:
"So
your last post Me.Him.her? was interesting. Do you think that exploring
Alpha being with another will lead to swinging,being poly or yourself
playing with another dom? And if he was to be with another would it be
just him and her or the three of you?"
In short, I don't believe that it would lead to any of those things.
And because I like to ramble...Here is probably a much longer answer than you bargained for lol. Coffee might help.
Swinging is something we have discussed in the past, but when it comes right down to it, neither of us is that interested in sleeping with other people. The concept of temporary trading doesn't do it for either of us as any fantasy involves each-other.
For me to have sex with someone else, Alpha would have to be a participant. Otherwise it would just end up being one of those "crazy woman flies off the handle, hurts dude, and ends up in the corner curled up in the fetal position crying" scenarios.
I can confidently say, that poly is not going to happen. I think that the thought of being in a relationship with two women is somewhat of a nightmare for Alpha. He is happy with our relationship and isn't interested in having one with someone else.
For me? I suppose it would be an option if I thought my kids wouldn't mind mom being in jail for murder lol. But then, that's not really poly is it?
Me playing with another Dom is about as likely as us becoming poly. Alpha has made it quite clear that such will never happen. He's the only thing besides life and hormones that gets to Dominate me lol.
And while I generally find Dominant men to be the ones that I find most attractive; the thought of submitting to someone else, while somewhat entertaining as an abstract fantasy involving Alpha, is actually rather terrifying. And not in that "I wanna flirt with danger and it's hot as hell" kind of way.
Given my history and limited number of sexual partners, the reality of having sex with someone else is also extremely daunting.
Alpha having sex with another woman would involve me, though I don't know to what extent.
Given the questions, I think it's worth mentioning that this sex with another woman thing is a 13 year old conversation between Alpha and I. One that occasionally get pulled out and reexamined. And we did have a threesome with another woman 12--13 (?) years ago.
Our, dynamic, our relationship, and the context within which we see such experiences has changed greatly over time. As has what we would want them to be--because fantasies also change over time.
If anyone had told me ten years ago that I could get off on the fantasy of being tied up and made to watch my husband have sex with and Dominate another woman? That in fact it was the only way I could see myself having a remotely positive experience? I would have told them they were friggin nuts.
We know that fantasy is not always compatible with reality. In my mind, just how compatible depends on a fantasy's realism, goal, and overall effect--the results. And of course...How much it gets us off.
We are monogamous and will remain so for the foreseeable future. Involving others in our relationship is not something we view as a goal, necessity, or even really a possibility.
I do realize that sounds a bit backwards in a discussion about having sex with other people lol. However, I think that when we talk about swinging and poly, we are talking about involving other people in our relationship by having relationships with others.
I don't see a "play date" as meeting that criteria. I see it more like having a very personal visitor who leaves when they should. For us, the real issues arise when you take it out of that context and the person is no longer a "visitor".
Thank you for your question--it's nice to see the Formspring box get some use.
And because I like to ramble...Here is probably a much longer answer than you bargained for lol. Coffee might help.
Swinging is something we have discussed in the past, but when it comes right down to it, neither of us is that interested in sleeping with other people. The concept of temporary trading doesn't do it for either of us as any fantasy involves each-other.
For me to have sex with someone else, Alpha would have to be a participant. Otherwise it would just end up being one of those "crazy woman flies off the handle, hurts dude, and ends up in the corner curled up in the fetal position crying" scenarios.
I can confidently say, that poly is not going to happen. I think that the thought of being in a relationship with two women is somewhat of a nightmare for Alpha. He is happy with our relationship and isn't interested in having one with someone else.
For me? I suppose it would be an option if I thought my kids wouldn't mind mom being in jail for murder lol. But then, that's not really poly is it?
Me playing with another Dom is about as likely as us becoming poly. Alpha has made it quite clear that such will never happen. He's the only thing besides life and hormones that gets to Dominate me lol.
And while I generally find Dominant men to be the ones that I find most attractive; the thought of submitting to someone else, while somewhat entertaining as an abstract fantasy involving Alpha, is actually rather terrifying. And not in that "I wanna flirt with danger and it's hot as hell" kind of way.
Given my history and limited number of sexual partners, the reality of having sex with someone else is also extremely daunting.
Alpha having sex with another woman would involve me, though I don't know to what extent.
Given the questions, I think it's worth mentioning that this sex with another woman thing is a 13 year old conversation between Alpha and I. One that occasionally get pulled out and reexamined. And we did have a threesome with another woman 12--13 (?) years ago.
Our, dynamic, our relationship, and the context within which we see such experiences has changed greatly over time. As has what we would want them to be--because fantasies also change over time.
If anyone had told me ten years ago that I could get off on the fantasy of being tied up and made to watch my husband have sex with and Dominate another woman? That in fact it was the only way I could see myself having a remotely positive experience? I would have told them they were friggin nuts.
We know that fantasy is not always compatible with reality. In my mind, just how compatible depends on a fantasy's realism, goal, and overall effect--the results. And of course...How much it gets us off.
We are monogamous and will remain so for the foreseeable future. Involving others in our relationship is not something we view as a goal, necessity, or even really a possibility.
I do realize that sounds a bit backwards in a discussion about having sex with other people lol. However, I think that when we talk about swinging and poly, we are talking about involving other people in our relationship by having relationships with others.
I don't see a "play date" as meeting that criteria. I see it more like having a very personal visitor who leaves when they should. For us, the real issues arise when you take it out of that context and the person is no longer a "visitor".
Thank you for your question--it's nice to see the Formspring box get some use.
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
This and That...
While I'm still hanging on by bleeding fingernails attached to the idea of Alpha not redoing the floor, I have to say that the laundry room is coming along nicely. Ooh what a novelty--there will no longer be a washer and dryer in the living room. Though the amount of laundry I'm going to have to do to make up for the down week is literally haunting me in my sleep...
And I think that the more trashed my house gets, the more obsessed I become with cleaning other people's houses. I'll be cleaning my moms stove tomorrow lol. Though I do have big plans around cleanliness when my living room no longer looks like a construction site...Can you say issues?
In other random news, I have to go back for another round of trigger point therapy tomorrow. Not the nice kind where it feels like they are trying to rip out your muscles--the kind where some strange man sticks needles in and moves them around with a dose of Novocaine until you think you're gonna pass out and feel like vomiting for three days afterwards.
I'm honestly not quite sure what my big problem is with it...It's not like it even hurts much (until the Novocaine wears off and you have to go to work the next day anyways).
Maybe it's partially because I really prefer to only have women all over my business when wearing one of those snazy hospital gowns, and I'm not a fan of feeling like crap?
The only person I want sticking things where they don't belong is my husband lol. Though in theory, it's going to do wonders for my hips and lower back!
Now I'm off to tape up drywall while he hovers and tells me that I'm doing it wrong. He's already taken the tape away twice and I've only put up two pieces!
And I think that the more trashed my house gets, the more obsessed I become with cleaning other people's houses. I'll be cleaning my moms stove tomorrow lol. Though I do have big plans around cleanliness when my living room no longer looks like a construction site...Can you say issues?
In other random news, I have to go back for another round of trigger point therapy tomorrow. Not the nice kind where it feels like they are trying to rip out your muscles--the kind where some strange man sticks needles in and moves them around with a dose of Novocaine until you think you're gonna pass out and feel like vomiting for three days afterwards.
I'm honestly not quite sure what my big problem is with it...It's not like it even hurts much (until the Novocaine wears off and you have to go to work the next day anyways).
Maybe it's partially because I really prefer to only have women all over my business when wearing one of those snazy hospital gowns, and I'm not a fan of feeling like crap?
The only person I want sticking things where they don't belong is my husband lol. Though in theory, it's going to do wonders for my hips and lower back!
Now I'm off to tape up drywall while he hovers and tells me that I'm doing it wrong. He's already taken the tape away twice and I've only put up two pieces!
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
Close to You
I want to be close to you
in that place
where there is you and me
no other creature in land or sea.
Where we share that space within
not even a hairs breadth apart
and my soul dances to the beating of your heart.
that place where your mind slides into mine
and we step for that moment,
outside of time
Where I becomes us
and all I hear is
"Mine."
I want to be close
oh so close to you
that place into which I occasionally peek
before I close my eyes and retreat inside.
You make me nervous
and I flirt with this
on the edges of danger
knowing that you will not touch me in anger.
I want to be
close to you.
You make me nervous
and I flirt with this
on the edges of danger
knowing that you will not touch me in anger.
I want to be
close to you.
Saturday, August 25, 2012
Lines in the Sand, and How We Live El Mundo Bueno or El Mundo Malo
An email I received in response to my Me. Him. Her? post made me start thinking about why I am willing to do some of the things that I am willing to do even though I don't necessarily want to. Still with me?
Alpha having sex with another woman is not a hard limit for me. There are not a whole lot of things that either of us define as being limits we will not, under any circumstances, cross. But there are definitely lots of things I don't want to do.
The stuff he will not do is what defines my limits. Even if some of them are not things I would refuse to participate in, they become things that I will not do.
Because he says so.
Everyone has limits that they believe they will never cross. Some are like lines drawn in the sand--slowly over time they are eroded and washed away. Others are like mountains and outlast entire lifetimes. Which is very much as it should be.
And wow isn't there lots of options to up the ante when it comes to ttwd. I happen to think that we are pretty tame in the grand scheme of possibility lol.
Since our gates are individual structures, what is a major scaling of the walls for one person, does not necessarily have the same impact on another.
The thing is, I believe that every physical activity is, in one way or another, just a way of opening some kind of gate in the mind.
Pain is a path to a certain state of mind, pleasure is another path, humiliation yet another branch on the road, control a path of it's own often entwined with the others. They all lead to one of two places.
Grab some coffee and a snack because I'm going to take one of my side trips to check out the butterflies.
There is a concept phrased in Spanish as, “El mundo bueno” and “El mundo malo”, which translate into "The good world" and "The bad world". It is wonderfully described in a book called, The Fifth Sacred Thing. My father used to describe them as the left and right handed paths. Though I have since learned that there are many different interpretations of those particular terms.
In El mundo bueno, pain brings a release and expansion of self. Walls fall and we become more than we were. Humiliation brings us closer and puts us in a state of being that we find fulfilling. Giving and taking of control becomes a beautiful and fulfilling dance that allows us to be who we really are. Ttwd washes us clean and soothes the scars we carry inside.
Death is the ending of one cycle and the beginning of another. The pains of birth are an opportunity to have the privilege of viewing another reality and returning home. A sprained ankle is an opportunity for rest, and a rainy day is replenishment for the earth.
When we fall into El mundo malo, pain eats at our soul. Humiliation breaks our spirit, our walls of protection disintegrate. Control does not allow us to experience who we are meant to be. Ttwd is abusive, leaving us unclean and damaged.
Death is the ultimate loss and heart-wrenching sorrow of the end. Birth is one step into death and we cannot return to our own reality. A sprained ankle is a break, a loss of work and sustenance for our families. The rain becomes hail and kills our carefully tended crops.
There is a very fine line btween El mundo bueno and El mundo malo. With ttwd, sometimes it's easy to fall into the bad reality because it can bring us so much closer to the good world.
Sometimes our lines in the sand are simply barriers to El mundo bueno. And sometimes we move those lines and discover that El mundo malo waits on the other side.
So while we can walk seemingly similar paths in the same direction, what leads to a good reality for one of us, may end in a bad reality for another. And that is why we try to be careful when we open new doors, tear down walls, explore new paths, and move our little lines in the sand.
I am willing to do the things that I am willing to do because Alpha helps me stay in El mundo bueno. He carefully looks over my walls and lines in the sand to see which reality waits on the other side. And he stays away from the paths that he thinks will take us into El mundo malo.
Alpha having sex with another woman is not a hard limit for me. There are not a whole lot of things that either of us define as being limits we will not, under any circumstances, cross. But there are definitely lots of things I don't want to do.
The stuff he will not do is what defines my limits. Even if some of them are not things I would refuse to participate in, they become things that I will not do.
Because he says so.
Everyone has limits that they believe they will never cross. Some are like lines drawn in the sand--slowly over time they are eroded and washed away. Others are like mountains and outlast entire lifetimes. Which is very much as it should be.
And wow isn't there lots of options to up the ante when it comes to ttwd. I happen to think that we are pretty tame in the grand scheme of possibility lol.
Since our gates are individual structures, what is a major scaling of the walls for one person, does not necessarily have the same impact on another.
The thing is, I believe that every physical activity is, in one way or another, just a way of opening some kind of gate in the mind.
Pain is a path to a certain state of mind, pleasure is another path, humiliation yet another branch on the road, control a path of it's own often entwined with the others. They all lead to one of two places.
Grab some coffee and a snack because I'm going to take one of my side trips to check out the butterflies.
There is a concept phrased in Spanish as, “El mundo bueno” and “El mundo malo”, which translate into "The good world" and "The bad world". It is wonderfully described in a book called, The Fifth Sacred Thing. My father used to describe them as the left and right handed paths. Though I have since learned that there are many different interpretations of those particular terms.
In El mundo bueno, pain brings a release and expansion of self. Walls fall and we become more than we were. Humiliation brings us closer and puts us in a state of being that we find fulfilling. Giving and taking of control becomes a beautiful and fulfilling dance that allows us to be who we really are. Ttwd washes us clean and soothes the scars we carry inside.
Death is the ending of one cycle and the beginning of another. The pains of birth are an opportunity to have the privilege of viewing another reality and returning home. A sprained ankle is an opportunity for rest, and a rainy day is replenishment for the earth.
When we fall into El mundo malo, pain eats at our soul. Humiliation breaks our spirit, our walls of protection disintegrate. Control does not allow us to experience who we are meant to be. Ttwd is abusive, leaving us unclean and damaged.
Death is the ultimate loss and heart-wrenching sorrow of the end. Birth is one step into death and we cannot return to our own reality. A sprained ankle is a break, a loss of work and sustenance for our families. The rain becomes hail and kills our carefully tended crops.
There is a very fine line btween El mundo bueno and El mundo malo. With ttwd, sometimes it's easy to fall into the bad reality because it can bring us so much closer to the good world.
Sometimes our lines in the sand are simply barriers to El mundo bueno. And sometimes we move those lines and discover that El mundo malo waits on the other side.
So while we can walk seemingly similar paths in the same direction, what leads to a good reality for one of us, may end in a bad reality for another. And that is why we try to be careful when we open new doors, tear down walls, explore new paths, and move our little lines in the sand.
I am willing to do the things that I am willing to do because Alpha helps me stay in El mundo bueno. He carefully looks over my walls and lines in the sand to see which reality waits on the other side. And he stays away from the paths that he thinks will take us into El mundo malo.
Thursday, August 23, 2012
Small Scheduling Complaint
I have comments to respond to, and I'll get there. Say midnight tonight or somewhere thereafter?
For now, I would just like to file a very small complaint regarding the schedule maker around here (that would be me).
What kind of scheduler has a major brain malfunction and schedules their week so that they have to work all day then come home and make the food for the kiddo's party on the following day?
Seriously, there are supposed to be perks to being able to change one's schedule around these kind of things!
Apparently one of them is screwing myself. And since we all know I can't seem to cum on my own anymore, it's just no fun at all.
Lol.
It's cruel negligence I tell you, cruel negligence!
For now, I would just like to file a very small complaint regarding the schedule maker around here (that would be me).
What kind of scheduler has a major brain malfunction and schedules their week so that they have to work all day then come home and make the food for the kiddo's party on the following day?
Seriously, there are supposed to be perks to being able to change one's schedule around these kind of things!
Apparently one of them is screwing myself. And since we all know I can't seem to cum on my own anymore, it's just no fun at all.
Lol.
It's cruel negligence I tell you, cruel negligence!
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
Me. Him. Her?
For some reason, I have recently become obsessed with not allowing my drafts folder to pile up. So here's one from aeons ago (hey, in blogtime, months could be interpreted as aeons). You know, in the interests of cleaning house. Since mine currently has a mostly closed hole in the side. And he says we need to redo the roof. And since he's a creature of excess he's going to tear out and fix the floor too. And I'm trying not to have a conniption.
Okay, I feel better now...Kinda.
Maybe not...My poor house! *curls up in a ball and glares rabidly at the man who says he must destroy my house to fix it*
This the kind of thing I don't much like to write about because, well, I don't much like to think about it either. But I do think about it...So it's only natural that it should spew out here lol.
See, Alpha tends to ask for the same present every year around his birthday--another woman, complete with bow or not.
Now, I don't think I could even pick up a man if I tried--too shy, too nervous, too...Whatever.
Another woman? Oh hmmm, lets see, multiply squirm factor by 1,000, add 12 bunches of nerves (and no, those are not like grapes), some greenery (not like pretty grass, oh no, not that kind of green), and you have....Ha, yea...Please find your own other woman.
Would him finding one himself take away the squirm and green eyed monster factor? No. But it's a lot more realistic lol.
See, I belong to him. No question there. But he also belongs to me. Yea, gasp shudder, sacrilege? I think not lol. Just because he's in control and decides who fucks who and when, doesn't mean he's still not mine. I'm an only child. I don't share well with others. Never have.
The thing is, he's just biding his time. For the day when he can do it without causing damage. For the day when I have let go enough to follow down that road. For the day when he's sure I'm not going to lose my shit. So every step further down the rabbit hole in some way also probably leads...There.
We talked about the possibility of him finding someone online to play with, and he teased me that I could use my blog to look. Yea...I could. But I won't. Because this is my little corner. And if I have to share him, I'm damn well not sharing this. Anyways, if I read here I sure as hell wouldn't go for it lol.
Sitting here in my living room watching our normal morning routine go on around me, it's a fairly easy to accept. Things are always so much different in practice though.
It is definitely one of those things that fits into the category of "not something that is refused but he gives a crap enough not to do it right now."
I don't know that it's even so much about him wanting to sleep with another woman any more, as it is about making me watch, watching me watch, knowing that I will accept anything...Even that.
And thus it would become a classic case of I don't want it but I do because he does.
I don't want to go there. But I damn well want to be able to go there. Does that make any sense at all?
Okay, I feel better now...Kinda.
Maybe not...My poor house! *curls up in a ball and glares rabidly at the man who says he must destroy my house to fix it*
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This the kind of thing I don't much like to write about because, well, I don't much like to think about it either. But I do think about it...So it's only natural that it should spew out here lol.
See, Alpha tends to ask for the same present every year around his birthday--another woman, complete with bow or not.
Now, I don't think I could even pick up a man if I tried--too shy, too nervous, too...Whatever.
Another woman? Oh hmmm, lets see, multiply squirm factor by 1,000, add 12 bunches of nerves (and no, those are not like grapes), some greenery (not like pretty grass, oh no, not that kind of green), and you have....Ha, yea...Please find your own other woman.
Would him finding one himself take away the squirm and green eyed monster factor? No. But it's a lot more realistic lol.
See, I belong to him. No question there. But he also belongs to me. Yea, gasp shudder, sacrilege? I think not lol. Just because he's in control and decides who fucks who and when, doesn't mean he's still not mine. I'm an only child. I don't share well with others. Never have.
The thing is, he's just biding his time. For the day when he can do it without causing damage. For the day when I have let go enough to follow down that road. For the day when he's sure I'm not going to lose my shit. So every step further down the rabbit hole in some way also probably leads...There.
We talked about the possibility of him finding someone online to play with, and he teased me that I could use my blog to look. Yea...I could. But I won't. Because this is my little corner. And if I have to share him, I'm damn well not sharing this. Anyways, if I read here I sure as hell wouldn't go for it lol.
Sitting here in my living room watching our normal morning routine go on around me, it's a fairly easy to accept. Things are always so much different in practice though.
It is definitely one of those things that fits into the category of "not something that is refused but he gives a crap enough not to do it right now."
I don't know that it's even so much about him wanting to sleep with another woman any more, as it is about making me watch, watching me watch, knowing that I will accept anything...Even that.
And thus it would become a classic case of I don't want it but I do because he does.
I don't want to go there. But I damn well want to be able to go there. Does that make any sense at all?
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