Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Preconceived Notions

 This set of ramblings might seem somewhat contrary to my last post, but that one was about action, and this one is about those little squiggly things that happen in my mind. If you take that into account, and consume lots of coffee, I'm sure it will make sense.

Greengirl left a comment on my last post, and made a statement about expectations that got me to thinking again (what can I say, it's an addiction that's hard to conquer). 

We all have views and opinions about how things should be. It's is one of the things that makes us unique and gives us the ability to strive to be better and accomplish things in our lives.
The thing is, when it comes to ttwd, preconceived notions have gotten me into more trouble than anything else.
I know right, Me in trouble? Who would have guessed. *waits patiently for the screeching tires.

Preconceived notions help us to avoid people and situations that we find undesirable. But they also limit our range of experience and filter the world for our own eyes without the necessity of seeing things as they really are.

When it comes to D/s, and life in general I suppose, we sometimes allow ourselves to get so carried away with how we think things should be, that we forget to appreciate how they are.

Living in the moment can be an issue for me. I think it's one of the side effects of constantly thinking without pause for punctuation.
And I have noticed that one of the worst things about not living in the moment is that it can lead to missing the moment for what it is--because of being too caught up in the next moment and how I think it should be.

Don't get me wrong, I believe that thinking ahead is important. If you don't think ahead you never pay off that mortgage, make a relationship last beyond the beginning, or calculate the possible results of events that have a great impact on your life.
It is important to look at events and be able to make reasonable predictions about the outcome and how our actions impact that outcome. Because that is how we make decisions.

But if you don't spend some time in the moment, and are always looking at what comes next, then you look back and realize that you didn't really live those moments--because you were too wrapped up in preconceived notions of how the moment should have been.
Not how it is.

It is much the same with people--if I get caught up in Thinking how Alpha should be doing something, I miss what is lovely and right about the things he is doing. Because I had preconceived notions of how they should be.

On a completely unrelated note, how come I always have "work gone terribly wrong" dreams the night before I start a new client? It's worse than not sleeping at all!


  1. I like you thinking. Please keep doing it! In the last post and this one, I feel like you are describing a place that I can see and understand, but that I can't get to. Like Hawaii. I just haven't been able to enjoy living in the moment lately. Sigh.

    I have those dreams too with clients - and apparently I berate H in my sleep for not understanding my work related dream talks. No fun for anyone.

    1. Kitty,
      I like that Hawaii analogy.
      Ooh, sleep berating--it never goes well. My kids argue with each other in their sleep all the time.
      I'm happy to say that all went smoothly at work and my knew client is an absolute jewel to work for.

  2. I have not read or blogged in quite some time and yours was the first I read today. I am glad I did as the lesson in this post was great. I tend to go too far in one direction at different times. I am either too focused on the future or not looking to it all. Finding the right balance is the key.

    1. dancingbarez,
      I'm glad you found something in this post.
      Balance can be so friggin hard to find and keep. Sometimes I feel like I'm constantly working on it and will never get it quite right!

  3. lil: Being in the moment is challenging for me as well but when I can take it all moment to moment, really and truly everything seems to flow better. Think you hit it right on, try to appreciate your partner in the moment, bask in what is being done right and lovely and pause the fast forward button.
    Yesterday's post was terrific--it really put into context the whole questions of "Do you still discuss limits and give consent each time?" and really highlighted how a long-term committed relationship is in compared to one just starting off.

    (And thanks for sharing your cynical wit yesterday; your comment was the last thing I read online before heading off to a work meeting and I couldn't stop laughing about it! You really brightened my day :D)

    1. BleuAme,
      Thinking ahead to much does seem to place bumps in the road--I'm good at making those lol.
      Glad you liked yesterday's post. It was perhaps a bit on the cynical side but still true. And geez, I gotta let it out somewhere lol.

      Glad you enjoyed the comment. I love comments that do that (leaving and getting them). My humor sometimes comes across quite misplaced or completely misinterpreted. I'm glad this wasn't one of those times lol.

  4. Excellent musings. We are always taught from such a young age to think about our future, prepare and lay the way for this or that. (These precepts are some of what I believe is so wrong about education today, but I digress.) What happens to many of us, is that living in the moment escapes and paralyzes us. Remember that old saying...."Take time to stop and smell the roses?" What a great thought for the good in our relationships!

    1. Minelle,
      Ah well, there's lots wrong with education here today, which is why I suffer through homeschooling. Oh, I'm getting sidetracked aren't I...

      It can be really hard to stop and smell the roses, but I'm working on it.

  5. Completeley agree, it is so much easier to think about what might happen than to fully engage with what is happening now. Definitely keep on thinking lil!

    1. Joolz,
      I think you got it spot on--thinking about what might happen keeps us from fully being in the moment we are experiencing. It's a concept that can be really difficult to see in that moment though.

  6. lil, you absolutely make a whole lot of sense. Hope you can learn to dream in the moment. Lol

    1. Blondie,
      I made sense!? Woohoo! I do try. Though I'm not sure about my success rate lol.

  7. I am very very guilty of doing this. I find it difficult to enjoy 'just the moment' for sometimes worrying what is around the corner. I'm not sure why? Maybe it's my need to try to control future events, maybe the feeling of 'it's too good to be true or to last'? Maybe because forewarned is forearmed? Ha! Think you may need more coffee just to 'get' my comment lol!
    Regardless, I'm going to try to just enjoy the moments, instead of worrying where the next one is, or is not, coming from.

    Dee x

    1. Dee,
      I do think it has a lot to do with trying to control future events. Perhaps also the outcomes of current events.

      It's something I'm working on too for sure.

  8. Lil, this was so good for me to be reminded of this week. For me it's not so much the looking ahead, it's the thoughts about what I expect or want to happen instead of appreciating and really turning myself over to what is happening. I know that , partly, that's human. But I think I need to keep working on following and trusting.

    1. gg,
      Thank you for the inspiration to write this post.

      Honestly, both looking ahead and expectations suck me in. And it does seem to make the moment slightly less wonderful than it actually is.

      Being human is complicated!


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