So...It's been a while since I posted here. Took me a hot minute to login...Then the first thing I did was read his last post here...And I seriously considered deleting it. Cuz...Everything he hates me for, I did because he told me to, because what he said was such a public and erroneous low blow that it was difficult to start back here with reading that of all things...But I decided to leave it. At least for now. This blog has been meandering, but if nothing else, I have striven to make it an honest reflection of my life. And all things considered, those are some of the nicer things he has said to me over the last few years...
So...I dunno if anyone who used to read here is still around, but I think maybe I'm back. It's hard to come back here, with everything I built this blog on and believed in my core and lived...And now him and I barely speak.
And the part of me I struggled so hard to build this blog on...I don't know how to be her anymore. Because before my true end with him, I never loved anyone he told me not to, I never pursued anything he didn't tell me to, and I never in a million years imagined that someone I had turned myself so completely over to could endeavor so much to destroy me, to destroy my mother, would threaten my life and the lives of everyone i loved...
This blog was a reflection of my life for a very long time; however, I have learned that a reflection of ones life is not always a complete reflection of themselves, but more a reflection of who they are on their path at the time.
I am nothing if not a survivor. And I am still here. I am still me. Perhaps a different version with many core things which will never change.
This blog is nearing a birthday shortly after mine. I haven't checked, but tentatively, I'ma say its gonna be 12 years old. It's my story. And a story does not end when it takes twists and turns. When we lose everything we ever knew and became things we never knew we could to survive. It doesn't end when we tuck away parts of ourselves to survive and vanish into the mists for a bit. A story only ends when there is no one left to tell it, and not one left to hear it.
I remade myself. And yea, I'm still a bit of a fucking mess, and there's aspects of me that I want to unlock and explore more again, I just dunno quite how to yet.
I'll always be who I am at my core. And maybe I'll never understand how he so completely abandoned me and told me to go with others, while hating me for following that instruction, how he of all people could rain what he has on me and no longer care, how some random little girl could mean so much more than me. But it is what it is. And yea, I still care, because...If I didn't, wouldn't that be an egregious insult to all that we were? One day I'll be ok with him choosing a girl he knew for a week over me. One day I'll forgive myself for the fucked up shit I did and its impact on my kids.
Today is perhaps not that day. But that's ok. Because I survived. My kids are ok. And I have a girl that maybe hates me sometimes, but she truly loves me, and she truly loves my boys. And God knows, I do love her.
I'm trying to learn how to give and surrender in the ways that I loved so much with this new knowledge I have...That the person you submit your being to may someday despise you to the core of your being. And I don't yet know how. But I do know how to survive. And I'm still here.
