And there it sits, my uncomfortable, brilliant (albeit possibly quite obvious), little realization. And I haven't a clue in hell as to what to do with it.
I know it's not good and that I need to work on it. It seems to me like the antithesis of submission. The more I think about this, the more it bothers me.
I'm not sure if my realization was a sign of growth, or the fact that I try to dictate the terms of my submission says terrible things about me as a sub lol.
But that's about all I got.
Does it have something to do with the fact that I still seem to view it as "my" submission? See what happens when I try to answer questions? More questions.
In an attempt at a semi clear thought process...
I do believe that there are instances where it is important to dictate the terms of one's submission. Pick your jaw up off the floor. I know I'm trying to get over it, but that doesn't mean everyone should--a new relationship is a good example of where it would be good to dictate some terms of submission for your own well-being.
Now that I have satisfied my moral obligations, more mememe.
I think that, in the past, when I attempted to dictate the terms of Alpha's Dominance, it was very much about wanting him to do it "right." In other words, my way. Which is really completely backwards and so...Anti the whole concept of D/s and many of the things we both value in ttwd.
Dictating the terms of my submission is saying "I will submit when, I will submit if, I will choose to submit as I wish, not as I am told, I will submit on my terms, not yours."
Hmmm, not pretty is it?
So how exactly does one go about stepping over this particular hurdle? Not a metaphorical question lol.
I wrote that a couple of weeks ago...And I'm hoping that as I sit down to finish it, maybe I will see more revelations than I reached before. Maybe. Lol.
Neither one of us wants a power exchange relationship that exists within constraints of my making. And yes, I have always been a fan of getting my way. Surprised right? Lol.
The thing is, by attempting to define the terms of my submission, I stalled our growth without even seeing it. Because after all, I no longer attempted to define the terms of his Dominance, and it's always a bit harder to look inside that out.
So now that I see I do it, where to from there? I guess "why" is a logical next step (for someone who thinks too much anyways). And I do believe it's because I see us as being at a fork in the road--it's further into the abyss, or scratching desperately for a way out.
Limbo isn't a long-term option--Alpha will float with me for a bit, but limbo is not a state he will allow us to stay in for long. Which is good, because I hate it too, but seem to be the one who lands there most often.
And further into the abyss...Well it's kinda scary you know, for an opinionated control freak who over thinks everything. It feels kind of like dictating the terms of my submission is all I really have left of control.
From there...Stopping the behavior. I guess I could put in a request for more regular beatings lol, but I doubt that would change the internal issues that cause it in the first place.
I think that, at least for now, really paying attention and catching myself as soon as I start trying to dictate terms is a good step.
And I know it sounds corny, but after my recent experiences dealing with thing1's addictions, I can safely say that whole whole adage about "admitting you have a problem being the first step to recovery," is very true. I'm hoping that the same holds true here. Because we cannot change that which we refuse to see.
We are at a bit of a fork in the road on this journey we call D/s. And I can tell that Alpha is done backing off and waiting in limbo. Neither of us does very well there anyways.
Skimming back over this post makes me feel like I haven't really presented a clear answer to my dilemma. But perhaps some answers only become truly clear in retrospect?
To yield is not always easy, but sometimes it is the battle that makes us weak.