Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Dictating Terms of Submission

So I had this light-bulb moment where I realized that, while I no longer attempt to dictate the terms of Alpha's Dominance, I still can't seem to quit trying to dictate the terms of my submission.
And there it sits, my uncomfortable, brilliant (albeit possibly quite obvious), little realization. And I haven't a clue in hell as to what to do with it.

I know it's not good and that I need to work on it. It seems to me like the antithesis of submission. The more I think about this, the more it bothers me.
I'm not sure if my realization was a sign of growth, or the fact that I try to dictate the terms of my submission says terrible things about me as a sub lol.

But that's about all I got.
Does it have something to do with the fact that I still seem to view it as "my" submission? See what happens when I try to answer questions? More questions.

In an attempt at a semi clear thought process...
I do believe that there are instances where it is important to dictate the terms of one's submission. Pick your jaw up off the floor. I know I'm trying to get over it, but that doesn't mean everyone should--a new relationship is a good example of where it would be good to dictate some terms of submission for your own well-being.

Now that I have satisfied my moral obligations, more mememe.

I think that, in the past, when I attempted to dictate the terms of Alpha's Dominance, it was very much about wanting him to do it "right." In other words, my way. Which is really completely backwards and so...Anti the whole concept of D/s and many of the things we both value in ttwd.

Dictating the terms of my submission is saying "I will submit when, I will submit if, I will choose to submit as I wish, not as I am told, I will submit on my terms, not yours."
Hmmm, not pretty is it?

So how exactly does one go about stepping over this particular hurdle? Not a metaphorical question lol.


I wrote that a couple of weeks ago...And I'm hoping that as I sit down to finish it, maybe I will see more revelations than I reached before. Maybe. Lol.

Neither one of us wants a power exchange relationship that exists within constraints of my making. And yes, I have always been a fan of getting my way. Surprised right? Lol.

The thing is, by attempting to define the terms of my submission, I stalled our growth without even seeing it. Because after all, I no longer attempted to define the terms of his Dominance, and it's always a bit harder to look inside that out.

So now that I see I do it, where to from there? I guess "why" is a logical next step (for someone who thinks too much anyways). And I do believe it's because I see us as being at a fork in the road--it's further into the abyss, or scratching desperately for a way out. 
Limbo isn't a long-term option--Alpha will float with me for a bit, but limbo is not a state he will allow us to stay in for long. Which is good, because I hate it too, but seem to be the one who lands there most often.

And further into the abyss...Well it's kinda scary you know, for an opinionated control freak who over thinks everything. It feels kind of like dictating the terms of my submission is all I really have left of control.

From there...Stopping the behavior. I guess I could put in a request for more regular beatings lol, but I doubt that would change the internal issues that cause it in the first place.
I think that, at least for now, really paying attention and catching myself as soon as I start trying to dictate terms is a good step.

And I know it sounds corny, but after my recent experiences dealing with thing1's addictions, I can safely say that whole whole adage about "admitting you have a problem being the first step to recovery," is very true. I'm hoping that the same holds true here. Because we cannot change that which we refuse to see.

We are at a bit of a fork in the road on this journey we call D/s. And I can tell that Alpha is done backing off and waiting in limbo. Neither of us does very well there anyways.
Skimming back over this post makes me feel like I haven't really presented a clear answer to my dilemma. But perhaps some answers only become truly clear in retrospect?

To yield is not always easy, but sometimes it is the battle that makes us weak.

Monday, February 27, 2012


Why can I not find the words to say how I feel
when your hands are entwined in my hair
as your breath floats across my neck.

The way my being melts when your hand wraps around my throat
and your voice whispers in my ear

How my body warms at the look in your eyes
as I hear your belt slipping out of its loops.

 Those times you piss all over me 
and I am of no mind

I cannot put not voice to the way my heart melts
when you wrap me in your arms and rest your lips on my head

I search for, yet cannot find
words for these things
that you do to me.

Those ways in which your bindings have set me free
to simply 

And I cannot find the words for what you are to me
but know
that I am 
and will always be

Sunday, February 26, 2012

Evolutionary Processes Take Time??

It's funny how sometimes I think I write clearly, and then somehow it gets muddled up between my brain and my words.
I doubt we will ever give up on ttwd. So much of what was not good in our relationship before has been righted by D/s. I feel like we are good, inseparable and unbreakable.

I just like being the best in a very neurotic way to be good at what I do, good with who I am.
Life is easing back to some semblance of normal. Unfortunately, my normal is feeling exceptionally strange about life for a while before my birthday. And that tends to bleed into everything.

Standing in the kitchen as Alpha twisted my hair in his hands and informed me of just what he would be doing to me later, feeling my knees weaken and my body grow hot, I realized that ttwd is part of us now. It's not going away.
There ups and downs, failures and success, moments of incredible passion and heart wrenching fear--but D/s is woven more deeply into our relationship than it has appeared to be lately.
And there's also the ridiculous little fact that my body responds to him in my sleep better than when I'm awake and fighting with my own mind. Which is very different than in previous years. Little things like that show me how far we really have come.

I wonder if perhaps I am simply lacking in patience. We have been D/s for only about five years. And maybe it's one of those evolutionary things that simply comes with time. Alpha has just evolved a bit faster than me. Me being a slow learner and all.

I'm thinking that the submissive I want to be, kind of submission I seek, is an evolutionary process of time. And just maybe, if I have a little more patience with myself, and work on that whole "dictating the terms of my submission" thing, I will find my way there.

Saturday, February 25, 2012

Up Down and Back Around

I seem to go through an odd phase between "off" and when the need kicks in. It's a bit of a war with self for me. Can't live without it--invade my being, and please leave me the hell alone. Ummm...Confused much?

It is the absolute opposition of my feelings that bothers me. Well, what really bothers me most is that I feel Alpha deserves better. Though perhaps that is an insecurity post all in its own?

Things have been tumultuous around here to say the least, and Alpha loosened the reins, because I can't seem to really behave like property while dealing with crises. Less demands from him means less chance for me to disappoint, for conflict surrounding my submission to arise, and less overall frustration for him.

The problem lies in coming back to place. Given my head I run. This works quite well for getting things taken care of, but I keep running after the trauma is passed. I forget that he controls my direction, my pace, how much leeway I have.
Or more honestly, I just ignore it.

This whole 24/7 thing? It's a bit complicated sometimes. And I often wonder (because I spend way to much time pondering random things), if it's easier to enter a relationship with the power exchange dynamic already in place.
As fascinated as I am with personal evolution and growing as a human being, I often feel that I have become stagnant--that perhaps I will never grow to be the submissive I feel I should.

Wonderfully enough, he doesn't give up on me. After I run and fall off the ledge he takes me back under his wing time and time again. But I think that maybe he shouldn't have to do that? Or perhaps it is simply a condition of being human...

Maybe my whole "crisis of my life's accomplishments" bit is bleeding over lol.

Friday, February 24, 2012

Sex and Submission

While I do believe that it's the mental and day to day aspects that make ttwd what it is, I also associate sex with submission.

For me, sex equals submission. Without submission I don't enjoy sex.

I was thinking about this as I drifted off to sleep last night in a happy, submissive puddle of jello.

The thing is, when I'm a bit off, so is our sex life. Okay, okay, when I'm really struggling with submission, our sex life is nonexistent.
Yes, I can submit when I don't really feel it, but I can't seem to really enjoy pleasure or pain; I can't sink into them and let sensation take me away with him--I drift off alone with my own little version of dissociation. Which is very much against the rules. To say Alpha hates it would probably be an understatement.

There is always some form of Dominance and submission in our sex, but I wonder why I don't enjoy it when I feel un-submissive, why I can't simply stay there in the moment and just...Be.

D/s is most certainly not all about sex. But for me, sex is very much about D/s.


His body was pressed against mine, one hand wrapped around my throat, the other entwined in my hair. His voice speaking softly in my ear "silly little one, always fighting so hard against what you want and need the most."

And I wonder about that too--why must I struggle so against my deepest needs and desires?

Thursday, February 23, 2012


 Because I do have a life outside of family drama, one that I'm rather happy with in fact, I would so like to spend more time focusing on it lol...

In objective theory, I believe that it's best to provide one's own sense of security. From where I am standing in my life? Alpha provides me with security. He always has.

In part, I think it's the sense of security he provides that inspires my submission to him. I used to define it as safety, but it just didn't encompass the feeling sufficiently.

For instance, he provides me with physical safety, but if push comes to shove I am certainly capable of providing my own protection; something he has actually been quite insistent upon.
I don't seem to be nearly as capable of providing myself with a sense of security--when I'm home alone, I will stay up until ungodly hours listening to the dogs bark.

I can drive well in the snow--I am secure if he drives me through it though.
I can make the hard decisions--but I am secure in them when he is by my side.
I can sleep in the damn bed by myself--but I don't rest. My insecurities and worries set up camp and have a party.
I am capable of Dominating my own life--but in his Dominance I am secure.
I am a compulsive worrier--Alpha provides me with a sense of security that abates those worries.

I was raised very much...Outside of the world most people live in. Alpha taught me how to survive and exist in that world. And so perhaps I have come to rely to much on the sense of security with which he provides me.

As time passes on our journey down the path of ttwd, my sense of security becomes more entwined in him.
Nothing makes me feel quite as secure as his Dominance.
It's the sweet moments when he tilts my face up and kisses my forehead, his touch firm and commanding, yet kind and loving, the times when his hands are wrapped around my throat and his voice whispers sweet nothings in my ear, when he forces me to my knees with his hands in my hair; it is these  moments where I am most secure in everything.

The drawback? Obsessive worry shit I have realized that I worry about Alpha even more than I used to.
And can I just mention as a side note, that being me a submissive and looking after your Dominant's health is hell twice over?

I am randomly afflicted, I know...

But yes, he provides my sense of security. Perhaps it's not ideal that it comes from him, not within me; however, This security contributes greatly to our growth in this exchange of power that we call Dominance and submission.

And I wouldn't trade it for the world.

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Miles and miles and miles and miles...

1,000 Miles of driving across two states, three days in the truck, two plane tickets for babygirl and thing2--and babygirl is safely ensconced on the other side of the country far away from thing1.

I. Am. So. Friggin. Tired.

My unwanted award seems to be glowing ever more brightly by the day...
I keep saying that, like everything else in life, D/s moves in cycles. Somedays I wonder if I'm just trying to convince myself to make me feel better lol.
Because lately I have been feeling about as submissive as a rock.
Scratch that, rocks are probably far easier to deal with--they don't talk back, and tend to stay in their place.

At this point, I probably shouldn't be talking at all, even in type. I think I'm going to practice becoming one with the couch for a bit. Lofty goals here huh lol.

Sunday, February 19, 2012

(Mostly) Useless Facts

Some mostly useless for anyone else facts:

Thing1 signed her kid over to her sister for the most disturbing reason ever, but it's done. Not the end by all means, but now thing2 has rights to babygirl.

According to my 3 year old, the clock says "just a few more minutes!!"

In our state it's a misdemeanor to beat your wife, but it's a felony to beat your dog.

5 PM is Not to late to make coffee (no matter what anyone says to the contrary).

Alpha awarded me "worst submissive ever." And no, it's not pretty and shiny. The merit and seriousness of said award is still being debated.

Rant Most Likely...

A couple of weeks ago my former client committed suicide. I'm helping the family out a bit in an attempt to make sure his complete bitch sister doesn't give my former co-worker a heart attack (literally). Okay, no biggie, took it in stride.

Friday I found out that the man I considered to be the best math teacher on the planet passed away after forty years of teaching. Phenomenal man--he deserves his own post. I cried. Took it in stride. Not the worst thing that could have happened, still hanging in strong.

Last night at 1 am we get a call from thing2--not only has thing1 run off with the asshole who beat the crap out of her, but she showed up in the middle of the night completely tweaked, and removed babygirl from the care of a reliable, three month pregnant young woman.
The cops made our friend release babygirl to thing1.

Okay, that one's a biggie.
Really really big. Really really bad.

So here's me this morning with a raging headache, a cup of coffee, and my phone, trying to figure out how the hell to protect a kid that isn't mine from a mother who wants to mainline her life away and take her kid down with her.

There's a lesson here, I know there is...All I got is beat the teenage troublemaker before she reaches her majority, and have abusers broken the first time around so there's no second go.

Doesn't sound very zen does it? It does however, sound rather reasonable from where I'm sitting.

Thursday, February 16, 2012

This Body Belongs To...

I had done something to my body. It was not against the rules. I had never been told I needed to ask permission for this.

But something odd happened.

I felt

It took me three days to tell Alpha.
Three freakin days.

And it took me so long to spit it out, I think he thought for a moment that maybe I had done something really bad.

But when I told him, he smiled at my confusion about the guilt I was feeling.

He lifted an eyebrow, gave me a self-satisfied smile, and said "you feel guilty because it's not your body to do with as you wish anymore--it's mine."

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

We Have Rights

 So I get carried away with certain topics sometimes, and I generally stay away from them on my blog unless they are related to ttwd; but sfp sent me an email about this one, so here we go.
I truly do believe that turning a blind eye and not standing up for what we believe in makes us compliant in the atrocities we rail against. There are times when the complacency of silence makes us no better than those who do wrong.

Reproductive rights--I have them. Yea, I know--I consider myself property, and so does Alpha. But I still have the right to choose whether I will contribute to the population of earth or not.
It is the most basic right of all--the ability to make the choice to create life or not, and when to do so.

It seems like there's always a big to-do about Planned Parenthood--don't fund them, don't buy girl scout cookies, they kill babies!! Insert collective gasp of horror here.
I think that's a crock of shit.

For one, my first checkups as a teenager? Planned Parenthood. The only way I could afford birth control (you know, so as not to be a kid having kids she couldn't take care of), thank you Planned Parenthood. So they really aren't all about abortion. Suck it up buttercup and leave your judgmental bullshit at the door.

Okay, moving on. It seems like the majority of people who try to stomp on women's reproductive rights are those who aren't in the least little bit affected by their own policies. They are usually rich enough to support a small country or, well, not women.

Humanity has made leaps and bounds in progress regarding bearing children and birth control. But it seems that too many still live in the stone age when it comes to their beliefs.

When I got pregnant with our youngest son I was entering my last semester of prerequisites to enter nursing school. I was not pleased to see two pink lines. I cried and gave some serious thought to terminating the pregnancy. Alpha voted to keep the baby, but said that it was ultimately my decision.
In the end, I couldn't do it. I decided he was our serendipitous little accident, and if he wanted to be here, I would not choose otherwise.

The point is though, I had the right to make that decision. Me. Not some old dude behind a desk polishing his specks with silk kerchiefs and living a thousand miles away from all the unwanted, homeless, abused, starving, and unloved kids that are brought into the world every year.

The choice to have children. The choice not to have children. The choice when to have children. Those are very basic rights.
I have these rights. And so should every woman.

If you don't agree with me? Well you have that right. But you don't have the right to choose for me or anyone else.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Do I really have to pick a title for every post?

 I know it's Valentines Day and I should probably be posting something sweet with chains wrapped around it, but we're having our day tomorrow when my mom watches the boys for us. I have suspicions that it will offer me some of those umm, "opportunities for growth" lol (thanks to aisha for reminding me that they hide around every corner).
For future reference, if you hate cold, never buy yourself a chain leash because you despise pink and the checkout lady at the pet store has started giving you dirty looks for staring at the leashes for twenty minutes after picking out a riding crop.
And that's all I have to say about that. So there. lol.

My mindset has been, shall we say, less than submissive. Yes, lets say that--it sounds so much better than raging bitch who can't snap out of crisis mode doesn't it?
My little light-bulb moment about dictating the terms of my submission has put me in a strange head space. I started to write a post about it, but I haven't even figured out enough to work it out through writing, so it'll sit for a time while I continue to muse.
Though I must admit--the more I think about it, the more it bothers me that I do this.

Today is our fourteenth Valentines Day together. I challenged his math (not too wise considering I spent a couple of months thinking we were going on 13 years together, not 14). Yea, he was right as usual.
It's crazy to think that we have been together for nearly half my life.

And here we are today--Dominant and Submissive or Master and slave, sane stable man and crazy emotional little thing, can't seem to pick a label that fits these days, so whatever lol.

But hey, we're in love. And that's quite good enough for me.

Monday, February 13, 2012

Of Limits and Limiting Factors

I have been thinking about limiting factors. Specifically ones related to our D/s dynamic. It started with this post about limits by Sir J, which actually gave me a clearer perspective on the way limits function within our relationship and the way people see limits in relation to ttwd.
Anyways, this isn't about limits in general, it's about mine (mememe), so if you're looking for a good take on limits in general, I suggest you hop on over there. If you stay here, I recommend coffee--this could be one of those rambles that goes on and on and ends up very far from the starting point lol.

We don't talk about limits much any more because really, there has been no need for further discussion. Occasionally I will declare something outside of my limits, Alpha will laugh, place his finger under my chin, and inform me that I have no limits--I have his limits.
For some reason it took me a while to accept this. In the end it boils down to my trust in his judgement. Though for posterity I feel obliged to mention that there are simply some things that neither of us would ever do. We have these things in common, and that in itself simplifies the "limits" discussion greatly.
And when it comes right down to it, lots of things aren't so much about limits, as they are about stepping outside the comfort zone.

Take another woman for example--it is something that I feel I have given up the right to choose. So Alpha could go out tomorrow and bring one home for the night. And yea, if he chose to he could just not even bring her home. But will he? No. Not tomorrow. Because while I have given up the choice, I have not gotten to the point where it's not going to be emotionally damaging (I know that when he reads this he will tease and ask me if I'm talking about the other woman here. Yea, I'm working on my issues k lol).

Conversely, one of my top fantasies happens to be something that I most likely could not psychologically cope with (and quite possibly physically as well). Much more so than my previous example. But that's probably a post in its own...The thought process here though, is that I don't decide if said fantasy ever becomes reality--he does.

The point is, he won't push me where he knows I can't handle going. He may put extra time into making damn sure I get there eventually lol, but it's kinda funny--time can be everything. Because the human state is malleable and changing.

And because I often end up so far away from where I began...

Limiting factors--I believe that I am my single biggest obstacle to the kind of submission that I would like to achieve. Crap, at this point, I think I am the biggest obstacle to the growth of our D/s.
I have grown beyond trying to dictate the terms of his Dominance. But I can't seem to let go of attempting to dictate the terms of my submission.
Does that sentence make sense to the rest of the world? Because it was kind of a light bulb moment for me. I know, big and glorious realizations right, lol.

Life has lots of limits, most of them self imposed.
So if we acknowledge the ways in which we limit ourselves, does that then enable us to expand our boundaries and opportunities for personal growth?

See, that wasn't so bad--it only took me half a cup of coffee lol.

Sunday, February 12, 2012

Say It While You Can

One of the things that struck me most when my father passed away, was the finiteness of life and all the opportunities we miss when we refuse to acknowledge it--mainly how we don't say today what we think we can tell someone tomorrow, and the things we don't do with people because we take for granted that we will always have one more chance.

I was reminded of this by a post over at Husbandly Touch. And it made me think...Of how often we miss the opportunities we are given. Simply because it can be so hard to express or people already know how we feel so we think there is no need to tell them again.

About a year before my dad died, he was going to take me out to dinner for my birthday. It turned out that he was to ill to go. We tried to reschedule a couple of times and I got a bit hurt and decided that he just didn't want to so I quit trying. Alpha pointed out that I should take the opportunity and make it happen while I could.

I never did. And the funny thing is? Now there's not a whole lot I wouldn't give to have a chance to do things differently.

It's so damn easy to get caught up in the drama and struggles of daily existence. And we forget that this life we have been given is not infinite, we forget that perhaps we cannot say tomorrow what we should say today, we forget that, for the similarity of our daily experiences, no one day will ever be exactly as the last, that opportunity is not endless. And we take for granted that the time we have been given will always be long enough to make up for the things we do not do or say.

Life is finite. So say it while you can, love while you have it, and live what you love.

Because nothing lasts forever.

Friday, February 10, 2012

Ramble Much?

I have come to accept the fact that I am a control freak who tries to steer with her own reins, yet craves being controlled...I wonder if there's something deeply wrong with that...

It is very odd craving something that I, at times, find so completely objectionable...


Now that Babygirl is out of the house, things are slowly getting back to normal. Those stolen little moments that are such a big part of ttwd in daily life are creeping slowly back in. Our boys don't even bat an eyelash when Alpha walks by and swats me on the butt. With Babygirl? Totally different. We avoided those little things like the plague around her--she's seen to much actual trauma and abuse. Even the stolen moments that can be brushed off as a hug if caught were squashed (for the record, they are generally more like covert attempts at nipple removal than hugs).

It's funny what a difference those tiny little things make--a moment smashed up against the fridge (still no escape route there), a quick smack on the ass, a tug on my hair...I never realize how much those things mean until they are gone, and I marvel at it every time.

I feel as if Alpha and I have been standing on different sides of the abyss, and I want so desperately to be next to him, yet I must swim to the other side first...It's a difficult feeling to describe.

I am tired of the internal wars with myself. Fighting against my own wants and desires, fighting to accept and enjoy them, dealing with getting what I asked for. I wonder if it gets better over time? Because sometimes I feel like I show an exceptional lack of personal evolution when it comes to my submission.
I have given up on the submissive of the year award. Do they offer one for worst sub ever? Alpha doesn't. Though sometimes his patience does seem almost inhuman.

ADD much?

Thursday, February 9, 2012

Nine Years Ago Today...

Thing1 took babygirl back. It turned into one of those family-altering situations after which things will never be the same. I told thing1 I am done with her. Perhaps in a few years she will decide family is worth telling the truth for. Who knows. I will no longer make an exception for her regarding the type of people I am willing to have in my life. Nor will I compromise my belief in truth.

That aside, today is our eldest son's birthday. I told him that next year he'll be entering the double digits and he'll be old. Yea, he informed me just how ancient he thinks I am lol.
Alpha says that he feels the birth of our boys were both momentous events that helped lead us to where we are now (yea I know--no shit, right). Not just from the perspective as parents, but in taking the path we have with D/s.
And it's true. Those two events brought us together while I was at my most vulnerable. In ways I never could have previously conceived of.

It's a strange day today. But it's a birthday. So we will play chess, watch movies, and let the kiddo get away with everything short of murder for one day.

I'm working through a lot of jumbled thoughts surrounding ttwd. Maybe one day soon I'll be able to make them comprehensible lol.

Nine years ago today our first son was born. And that makes it a once in a lifetime event.
 So all that other stuff? Can wait.

Sunday, February 5, 2012

Submissive Mindfuck

I keep getting hits off the keyword search "how to mindfuck a submissive." While I also get hits from things like, "the difference between a Dominant and an asshole" (oh be still my beating heart), and "my life is a circus" (sorry about that btw), I thought I would narrow in on the whole mindfuck thing.

For one, I find it slightly disturbing that so many people Google the term--it's an activity that is, by nature, unique to the participants. A mindfuck for me might be an emotionally scarring event for someone else, and someone else's mindfuck might just break me.

Personally, I think of it in terms of two very different activities--mindfuck on an energetic level (my favorite, I must admit), and mindfuck as in fucking with someone's head. I know that I'm getting hits looking for the latter definition so that's what I'll ramble on about today.

For one thing, if you have to Google the term because you want to try it? You probably shouldn't be doing it in the first place. I mean, I'm all about educating yourself, but this is murky water with sharks in it people. So exercise some good personal judgement mkay? Yea I know--rude much? The answer lately is yes lol.

A mindfuck is a dangerous thing. It can be oh so incredible, or oh so incredibly capable of fucking someone up. Because you are, of course, fucking with someone's mind. As a submissive, I know that no one can get to me like my Dominant, that no one else has an opinion that matters as much, that no one but him can fuck with my head from the inside out.

The thing is though, he loves me. It matters to him that I come out the other side undamaged. He won't fuck with my head in any way that he thinks might cause me harm.
So for me, it's kind of like hanging off the edge with a rope and not knowing just how long the rope is--I'm securely tied off, but it might be a good long fall before the rope stops me. And who knows what may happen along the way?

And there's always the little fear of, what if the rope breaks? But even if it does, I know Alpha will be waiting at the bottom to catch me.

I do wonder what comes of the mindfucks that occur without caring...What happens on the other side of the event, how long do the effects last, and is the impact a good or bad thing?
I have plenty of physical scars and my fair share of mental/emotional ones, and I have to say--the physical ones are far easier to cope with.

Much like humiliation, which can be a mindfuck of it's own, what happens afterwards is even more important the event itself. Eventually, most of us will need help dealing with the mental side effects.

So if you are Googling (it should really be a word), how to mindfuck your sub, put some thought of your own into it. It's not a one-size fits all activity. And not everyone wants to or should go there at all.

Hmmm, I might be halfway back to making sense again! Maybe...

Saturday, February 4, 2012

I Just Dunno...

I have this whole stupid little identity crisis thing every year for about a month before my birthday. Oddly enough, they don't seem to be improving with time lol.
I guess it's not much of an identity crisis given that I know damn well who and what I am. It's more of an...Accomplishment crisis?

Maybe I just need a good beating...Though since Alpha dislocated his shoulder again it would be a left-handed one...So maybe not.

Thing1 is trying to come take babygirl today, so we'll see how that goes. When you drive past a random house and there's a woman out in her yard screaming? Pay it no mind. That's just me trying not to kill her or finally giving in to the urge.

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Working Together

One of the PTA's who works with me was grumbling about having problems at home. The gist of it seemed to be that her husband and herself had been fighting about her wanting to work through some old personal issues on her own, and didn't want to share them with him.
Now, I'm not criticizing her for this--I have been acquainted with her husband for a very long time and I doubt he could work his way through a grocery store. Plus he's just an ass, so it's really no wonder she wants to work on her issues without him.

But she did get me thinking about working through things together.

I can't remember any deep personal issues that I worked through without Alpha. This could be because of the length of time we have been together and the age I was at the time, or it could just be because I have a cheesecloth memory.

That isn't to say that I never tried to work through those issues on my own, it just never really worked out for me.

As a couple there are plenty of issues we deal with separately--I don't need help figuring out what to do when the chicken isn't defrosted on time, or that the electric has to be payed, or how to do my job well, etc.

But when it comes to working through the big things? It seems like not working through them together places us on different pages from the get-go. And different pages hold different stories. With different conclusions. And when they meet, there is a lack of cohesion, a conflict on the end page.

From the perspective of what our marriage has become, working through personal issues on my own isn't even an option anymore. I would feel like I was hiding things from him.

Huh, it's almost creepy how that happened, and I didn't even notice the moment.