Tuesday, October 30, 2012

When Sexy Moments Go Bad

There's something super hot and sexy about lying on my back while he jacks off into my mouth.

So I'm there on my back, mouth wide open just like he wants me. I have already been fucked into a malleable ball of sex, so sexy isn't a stretch to pull off...

Then he starts to cum, and he has really good aim, so it's all going in my mouth. Then he decides to spread the love around. Before I know it, there's a stream creeping towards my nose.
I'm trying really hard not to ruin the moment and I tilt my head just a tiny bit and stop breathing through my nose, but you know--with a full mouth, not breathing through one's nose is exceptionally difficult.
So I twitch my face just a teensy bit, trying not to lose the whole sexy look and still avoid a nose full of cum.

It didn't work.

At least one of us thought it was hilarious. I'm sure you can guess which one. Ahem.

You know, I told him the nose is a limit. I don't ask much--nose, belly button, feet. But no, he refuses to respect my limits!

And just for the record, cum in the eye is no joke either--sudden blindness is not sexy, and cum really doesn't wash out well--it's super water resistant or something.

Wanders off in search of a red flag...

These things really happen more than they should. Though in all honesty, they tend to go more towards accidental self-injury on my part.

Surely I am not completely alone in this??

Sunday, October 28, 2012

The Possibilities of What I think I Should Think

The other day, greengirl said something about hiding behind what we think we ought to feel. It got the cogs rolling in my brain, and the whole concept and it's impact really clicked at the oddest time.

Though it all got jumbled into the back of my brain this week...But I think that it actually fits in nicely with my other recent realizations.

See, I love to let go. Just completely drown in the moment. And I am very very bad at it--think hanging on with bleeding fingernails until the very last desperate gasp.

I think this is something that has been holding me back for a long time. Say, I dunno--a lifetime? Never claimed I wasn't a slow learner lol.
A while back I had a light bulb moment where I realized that submitting how I thought that I should, wasn't really submitting.
This realization about how I think I should feel about things was very similar for me.

It is unusual for me to let go in completely wanton abandon. Because somewhere in the back of mind, I think that I shouldn't.
And lets face it, rolling around in a completely mindless ball of need, begging to be fucked, pretty much puts me completely at his mercy. And still I pretend that isn't where I long to be.

And I perform useless little acts of rebellion trying to pretend that I want less control not more, that I can't be a wanton whore, that my soul doesn't melt when he takes control of me.

I consistently try to pretend that I don't want/desire/need, things that I really do want/need/desire.

I quit making sense already didn't I? Well, it's nothing that can't be overlooked with extra coffee.

The thing is...That is not only a violation of a very cardinal rule, but it holds both of us back--him because he has to spend so much time crushing the pretense, and me because it really makes it impossible to move forwards.

I kind of wonder if it has become my one foothold for control. Let's face it--there's not much left to grab onto. While I make lots of decisions on a daily basis, he (directly or indirectly), can overrule all of them.

It's  one of those doors...And you know that when you open it, things are no longer the same afterwards. And ultimately, he cannot take what I refuse to surrender.

But um, what I give up here? I won't get back. He has made that very clear.
He got the control that he has one piece at a time. And none of those pieces of control has returned to me.
I don't want them back.

The truth is, what I think I should like and need is sometimes very far from what I do want and need. So I try to give him what I think I should. Not because I am afraid that he will judge me, but because I'm afraid that knowing the possibilities I am capable of will unleash what he is capable of.

Okay, so maybe coffee won't make this legible...My bad.

The doubts I get about maybe turning out to be too twisted for him are largely irrelevant--because it has always been about the control. Not the kink or activity (though they do play nicely).

Every time I open another door for him, he gets more control in one direction or another. More pain, less pain; control this direction, not that direction; use me all the time or make me ask for it...

There are many possibilities that I do not control. And when I let out the possibilities in my mind, they become his. To do or not do terrible or exquisite things with.

Saturday, October 27, 2012

Conversations From the Past Lead to Realizations of Today

I have done an excessive exceptional amount of thinking over the last few days. I think that all those thoughts are starting to form something coherent. Maybe.

My realizations about our dynamic and control threw me for a it of a loop. My first reaction was a tiny touch of panic. That panic quickly turned into need (natural progression from one end of the spectrum to the other right). Then came the doubt and a teensy tiny identity crisis.

Doubt about how far he is willing to take us.

I wonder sometimes, how long that doubt will continue to reoccur. The questioning of what happens if I fall further than he is willing to go, what if he tells me "Far enough," what if...

And then there was the identity crisis. I do think that I'm a bit old for such things, but it is what it is.
I never really pay much attention to the distinctions between submissive and slave. It doesn't matter to me which title someone chooses to go by, and I have always identified myself as submissive not slave because...Hmmm, not sure actually, it just seemed more accurate.

Then suddenly one day (okay, last week), that definition began to matter to me. In my life. How and who I define myself to be. And I'm still not positive which label fits or why I suddenly feel the need to define those lines more clearly for myself.

I started thinking about the conversations we had years ago--the ones where we sat down and discussed how D/s was going to work for us, what our parameters were, what we did and did not want to come of it.

I remember me freaking out and asking him "What happens if you don't like what you let out, and I want to go further than you are willing, what if, what if, what if?" That is when he put down the basic ground rules.

"Whatever you let out, whatever we become, whoever you are that you tried to hide away, it's okay. All you have to do is remember that I control it. And everything will be fine."

He also informed me that there were circumstances in which he would put an end to, or at least take a step back from, our D/s--if I began to display an inability to function independently.

And that was it. The basic platform we started from.

Alpha is a straightforward man. He does not say things he doesn't mean, and he doesn't go back on his word once he has given it.
Even though I had mostly forgotten those past conversations, looking back, he hasn't deviated from those first statements.

I think that it can be all to easy to let doubt creep in when one is the person to have initially discovered ttwd in an already established relationship. It doesn't always work, and everyone has a place that they will not venture beyond. When incompatibility of depth occurs, conflicts arise.
So I do sometimes wonder if we will eventually discover that I'm a shade too twisted. But if I remember that first statement he made, those fears become irrelevant.

Because apparently, he is rather good at this whole Dominant thing.

And whatever I am, whatever I may be, I strive to be the best that I can at it.

Together we become more than the sum of our parts. And the less time I spend looking down the road, the more I live and love wherever we are at in this crazy journey we are on.

Thursday, October 25, 2012

Rambling Substitute--a Meme

There's so much going on in my brain, that none of it has any intention of coming out clearly.  Yet somehow I still have to post something...Because my brain will not shut up and something has to get out to make space for it all lol.
So, in the spirit of avoiding what's really happening in my head but still rambling on, I'm going with what appears to be a running theme in Blogland this week:

Only two rules: You must answer yes or no. You may not explain unless someone asks.

Oh geez, those rules are kind of crappy. I mean, one has to define "public place, slept with, red light..." And then where's the option to just refuse to answer on the grounds of self-incriminaion?
It's very much up to the reader's interpretations isn't it?

Taken a picture naked? Yes
Made money illegally? No
Had a one night stand? No
Been in a fist fight? No
Slept with your best friend? Yes
Had sex in a public place? No?
Ditched work to have sex? No
Slept with a member of the same sex? Yes
Seen someone die? Yes
Ran from the police? No
Woke up somewhere and not remember how you got there? No
Worn your partners unmentionables? No
Fallen asleep at work? Yes
Used toys in the bedroom? Yes
Ran a red light? Yes
Been fired? No
Been in a car accident? Yes
Pole danced or done a striptease? No
Loved someone you shouldn't? Yes
Sang karaoke? No
Done something you told yourself you wouldn't? Yes
Laughed so hard you peed your pants? Yes
Caught someone having sex? Yes
Kissed a perfect stranger? No
Shaved your partner? Yes
Given your private parts a nickname? No
Ever gone in public without underwear? Yes
Had sex on a roof top? No
Played chicken? No
Mooned/flashed someone? Yes
Do you sleep naked? Yes
Blacked out from drinking? No
Felt like killing someone? Yes
Had sex more than 5 times in one day? No
Been with someone because they were in a band? No
Taken 10 shots of liquor in a day? No
Shot a gun? Yes
Gone outside naked? Yes

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Controlling Factors

I've had several light-bulb moments this week, and am feeling somewhat blinded by the light lol. So this may or may not make any sense whatsoever...

Ummm...Am I the only person who reads this blog that did not realize how incredibly large of a factor control is in my relationship?
Don't laugh at me--I'm serious!

Oddly enough, it took tori saying she would have thought that control was a huge part of my relationship, for me to see this so clearly. And she was even nice about it and didn't tell me that I'm dense as they come haha.

I sat back and realized that I haven't been craving more control, I've been craving more expressions of control. And I knew that control was a big part of our relationship...I just spent a lot of time denying how big.
And I don't know that I would have previously classified it as a need.
Denial much?

I also realized that while he rarely exerts extreme control over me, he does have extreme control over me.

Originally, I wasn't attracted to the control aspect of D/s. He however, was most attracted to the control aspect when we began exploring D/s.

Over time, his control increased so gradually that I rarely gave it a second thought. And because he so rarely exerts it in extreme fashions, I happily trudged around believing that his control didn't run as deep as it actually does.

I am willing to fall as far down the rabbit hole as Alpha is willing to go. The thing is, he'll do something so slowly, that it takes me ages to see it even happening  (yea, yea, slow learning is a theme around here). Then he waits until my level of self acceptance catches up to where we currently stand. Sure, sometimes he gives a shove in this direction or that direction, but until I completely accept myself wherever I am at, he will refuse to go further.
And he doesn't accept where I think my level of self-acceptance is, oh no. Which drives me friggin crazy. Given my current insights, I suppose that isn't much of a stretch on his part though lol.

Of course, just because I am me, this train of events usually leaves me wondering if he has decided to draw a defining line saying that where we are at is where we will stay--because he's not running around like a hamster in a wheel lil style.
He says that I'm a fickle creature. I try to disagree.

Then there's days like today, when I have these huge realizations and go running to proclaim them loudly to him...But he doesn't see the fireworks like I do--he just chuckles calmly at me over his dinner, and points out how long he has been waiting for me to reach the aforementioned realizations.

Between my acknowledgement of that constant undercurrent of D/s in our relationship, and my latest realizations surrounding control...I dunno...I just feel a bit odd I suppose. One of those, "Too many light bulbs going off at once am blinded by the light that only I couldn't see" kind of things lol.

I have always felt that we are in the tame end of ttwd. And the truth is, that I am as extreme as he decides I am.I have known that for some time now. I just hadn't realized exactly what it meant until now.

It's a bit like standing in the dark and seeing a flash of lightning show you that you are much further from the top of the abyss than you thought you were.

Apparently he wasn't joking all those times that he said, "Enjoy your delusions."
I do feel a bit dense sometimes.

Interesting how acceptance changes perception isn't it.

Monday, October 22, 2012

Needy Needs

You know that feeling of need that can be so ridiculously consuming and vicious? In the beginning it was totally overwhelming. So I guess it's a good thing that I was forced to go at his pace instead of diving into the fire head first.

I have found that needy feeling to have become much more manageable over time. The thing is though, it still occasionally rears it's insidious little head.

The irony is that it has taken on a new form. Drifting drastically away from pain and into the arena of control. Which isn't something that interested me very much in the beginning (oh hush).

My brain goes in one of two directions when I find myself in a position of having to exert a lot of control over life.
1. "You can't control me, I'm quite busy taking over the world thank you very much!"
2. "Oh please please pretty please, control everything I do!"

As you can see, these are rather conflicting stances that seem to exert equal amounts of pull on any given day during any given event.

I almost prefer number one--it's easier for me personally to cope with. And number two...Well it's just so damn...Needy! I'm not a huge fan of feeling needy. Plus, it takes that little thing known as common sense and throws it straight out the window.

He took the opportunity to remind me last night, how very much I am not in control. As he slid into me, he reminded me that I am his to use as he pleases, awake or asleep, willing or unwilling. Of course, that did make me all the more willing...
Like how I resisted the urge to use phrasing involving either caverns or rhinos?

It's still a bit new to me, this need to be controlled. Clearly, I still haven't really wrapped my brain around it.
The fact that my need to be controlled is balanced quite evenly balanced by my need to give up control, should be an added bonus.
I know, it seems obvious that the two go hand in hand, but such isn't always the case.

Maybe it has something to do with the fact that submission is becoming much less of a choice for me...Rarely now do I "choose" to submit--I just do. Because it is what I am.

Sunday, October 21, 2012

I Can't Write Smut

"Sigh, I can't write smut."
Alpha rolled his eyes at me, "Of course you can, you can write whatever you want to. Just because you don't write smut doesn't mean that you can't."

Oh the terrible pain that occurs when someone else's confidence in me goes so far beyond my own that it's not even funny.

"But I can't even talk dirty!" His eyes took on that particular glint that they do when he's about to say something I want to disagree with but can't because lying is against the rules. "Mmhhmmm...You can talk dirty just fine when I make you beg for what you want."


"I hate it when you make me beg!" Naturally, in his ever sensitive manner, he laughed at me without even bothering to choke on it, "No you don't. You love it and you know you do. Don't make me prove it to you right now."

Oh fine. I suppose there's no sense in denying something that we both know to be true.

Over the next couple of days, I figured out why I can occasionally talk smut but cannot write it (most of my deep thinking takes place in the car, what can I say). It's because when I talk it, the goal is to turn him on and get him off. So it's geared towards his fantasies.
If I wrote it...Well that would be my fantasies--not his. And that is somehow far more difficult.

Funny how that works...

Saturday, October 20, 2012

The Boundaries of Perception

It's that moment when I realize that I can't take any more so I struggle to escape, and his hands clamp down on my hips as he goes deeper...

It's that moment when our eyes meet and we both know that I will do whatever he tells me to do...

It's that moment when his lips brush across the top of my head, and his hand wraps around my throat...

It's the way he grabs me and plays with whatever he wants, as if my body is merely an extension of his own...

It's the way he leans in and whispers "Mine" in my ear...

It's the moment when I feel a knife sliding slowly across my skin...

That is when I realize that boundaries are simply a way of focusing on something so as to make that something into a form that our minds can assimilate.

That is when I realize, that the moment in which I let go of all that I perceive myself to be, I become truly his.

We often say that "real life" has a way of throwing ttwd a little off track. But I have come to see that statement as rather erroneous--Our power exchange is real life. And while it is occasionally overshadowed by other aspects of reality, it has very much become like blood--it's there just below the surface, always moving, always flowing. And just because we can't always see it, doesn't mean that it is not there sustaining us, running through our veins, a deep and integral part of who we are.

I no longer want to be his submissive. I no longer disagree when he calls me his slave. I have somehow simply become...Both.

Because the boundaries of my perception are not the boundaries of our reality.

Friday, October 19, 2012

What Sustains Me

"At least your fantasies are simple." My eyes wandered off of their own accord..."Well...I keep the complicated ones to myself. There's some things you never tell."

He raised his eyebrows and gave me that look that turns my knees to jelly. "Not for you there isn't."

Twenty minutes later, "Did you take your medicine?" Oh...I was kinda thinking he'd forgotten like I had... "Go take your medicine. Now."

And that's it. That's what feeds me, makes me ache and need, creates weakness in my knees.

I have been going through a bit of physical activity withdrawal (please, tie me, beat me, shove objects where they don't belong, etc). And my body has been an outright traitor (it likes to time it's breakdowns to be as inconvenient as possible).

But overall? It's that control from him that sustains me. I thrive on it like I never thought I could.

Thursday, October 18, 2012

Formspring # 9

I think I need some help here...Because honestly, I have no idea what I'm talking about with this one, but I'm going for it anyways lol.

"Any tips for making a long distance D/s relationship work? It had online for four years (on/off) previously, then we met up IRL over the summer - things have been difficult ever since I got back."

Not having lived with a long distance D/s relationship, and not knowing "what" has been difficult, makes this a slightly more complicated question for me.

I guess that the first thing I would do is ask myself a few questions--why the relationship has been on/off for four years, why it became more difficult after meeting IRL, and what we each need out of the relationship. Then I would take that general line of questioning and the answers I arrived at to my partner for an in-depth discussion.
Because, I think that trying to figure out why a relationship isn't working like we feel it should, is a necessary first step to making it work.

In my opinion, anything we can do to reinforce the exchange of power will strengthen a D/s relationship. But it isn't always about the D/s--at it's core, every relationship is about the people in it. How they think, feel, live, love, and need.
Sometimes when we take a step back and look at a relationship as a whole, not just it's parts, it becomes easier to achieve what we want and need within that relationship.

I'm sorry to say that I don't have any particular ideas about making a long distance D/s relationship work. Perhaps someone else would like to jump in and contribute to this one...?

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

The Perfect Storm

You know those days when events coincide so perfectly badly as to become the perfect storm

It's not a lot of fun in there...

Alpha's unexpected return the job left me with loads of tedious work taking hours a day:

"I'll never be done."

I was starting to feel a little bit like this:

"I think I may be going crazy..."

I got my period, so I all I wanted to do was this:

"Just let me die in peace."

Then my son turned into this:

No shit, really--he did! I was shocked too.

My initial reaction was this:

"What did you just say (over and over and over again)?"

So I tried some of this:

"You had better straighten up right now young man!"

After hours. And hours. And hours. And freakin hours, I'm pretty sure I turned into this:

"Kid, you are lunch!"

Then Alpha called to inform me that he needed to change his schedule, so we would not in fact, get one day together in this two week time period.
So my brain did this:


At some point in the day, I may have done this:

"The Universe hates me!"

By evening, this was my general outlook on the world:

"So that's how it's going to be huh?"

I needed some of this:

"Just hold me and love me and make it all go away!"

Or maybe something more like this...

"Now will you beat me until the world disappears, pretty please?"

But who has time for all that when they're quite occupied by building on of these:

Nice place I got here right? There's coffee. But you can't come in.

But he was super sweet so it seemed kind of pointless. Even if I did have a monopoly on the coffee supply. So I went to sleep.

And here I am this morning:

Another day, here I come.

Seriously, that perfect storm thing is crap. If another one comes along today, I'll end up looking like that possessed woman in the Exorcist--my head might even turn all the way around. 

Sunday, October 14, 2012

Adjustment--or Lack Thereof

So I thought I was doing super good with this whole adjustment thing (yes, I know--passing judgement before the first week was up might have been slightly premature).

All it took was his sixth day in a row at work to completely disabuse me of the notion. Add to that the fact that he suggested the possibility of taking his second day off on one of the two days I work next week? Here comes little miss independent with her snarky attitude.

We have been in one of those down cycles lately--lots of life stuff, not so much D/s stuff.
I thought that might make the adjustment to him working full time and then some slightly easier. Uh...No.
In fact, I think it made it somewhat worse. Because now it feels like aeons...

He's up at five, stumbles home after seven, eats, and passes out on the couch. That's not a new turn of events by any means--it's how he lived for years.
But I didn't miss it in the least. And I do miss him. It's the drawback to larger jobs.

Geez, it's been one whole week lol. I had better come up with some way of adapting soon before Little Miss Independent tries to take over like hormones and ruin my month.
Oh yea, hormones...Did I mention they're currently trying to turn me to the dark side?

On the bright side...

I got my fix. So did Little Miss Independent.


Only the best of men will apologize for leaving one with an overwhelming load of projects and two raging children by approving a book shopping spree.

Saturday, October 13, 2012

Formspring # 8

The question is...

"Hi Lil, I love your page! There is a way that my partner holds me or asks for his desires that leans this way. A friend suggested that I might actually be in and attracted to sub/dom sexuality...How is this defied and how can I find out more?"

First off, thank you--I am always happy and somewhat surprised to hear when people find something in my little corner that they enjoy or find helpful.

I believe that how sub/Dom sexuality is defined will depend greatly on who you ask. I think the simplest definition is that one partner submits and the other Dominates--power is exchanged and while partners are of equal value, their footing is not equal. While the submissive's needs and wants are taken into consideration, the Dominant is in control.

If we are looking at it as only a sexual aspect of a relationship, this is a pretty simple concept that tends to involve kinky bedroom activities such as being tied up and/or told what to do (from the submissive perspective).
Because D/s and sexuality are such personal things, their expressions vary greatly from relationship to relationship.

Truthfully, I'm a bit confused by the phrasing of "sub/Dom sexuality," so if I missed the point completely or you would like further discussion, I am always happy to chat via email (my email address is at the top of the sidebar on the right).
For me, sub/Dom sexuality is simply the fact that I don't enjoy sex without D/s. It is the part of our relationship that allows me to let go and enjoy sex in ways I that can't without it.

My first suggestion in regards to finding out more would be to bring these questions up with your partner and go from there.

In regards to finding out more, again, I suggest talking to your partner and dipping your toes in the waters of exploration with him.
Beyond that, there are a couple of blogs I read that I think have an especially helpful approach for people beginning their D/s explorations:

What Does it Mean to be Dominant, written by Sir J.
What I Wonder, written by the lovely greengirl.

It should be noted though, that neither of these blogs are written from a purely sexual perspective--they are about people who live D/s as a way of life, and every relationship and approach is different.

There was is also a wonderful website that is no longer updated, but does have a plethora of archives, which you might find helpful as well:
Castle Realm

There are a few posts of mine on the sidebar here that you might find of interest if you haven't read them already. The one I would most suggest is "I want my husband to Dominate me." It might help you clarify the meanings of D/s a little bit. Though it is not written from the perspective of D/s being a purely sexual endeavor.

In my opinion, exploring this in your own life is the best way to find out more.
I would also say not allow what you read to completely define your beliefs and expectations.
And it's a good idea not to put to much pressure on yourself one way or another--if you find that D/s is for you, great. If not, that's okay too!

I always encourage people with these kinds of questions to read the comments on my replies--I often feel that readers offer valuable insight and fill in the information I have overlooked.

As I said before, I did find the phrasing of this question slightly confusing. So I apologize if I missed the mark here, but I always welcome emails from curious new explorers of Dominance and submission.

Thursday, October 11, 2012

Getting What We Want

I have been thinking about this whole "getting what we want" business. It's a subject that has been cropping up on various blogs, mostly the ones of new submissives.
This morning, I read one tori wrote, and it's clearly not an issue that only myself and people new to this kind of life have to deal with.
I decided that rather than leave a mile long comment on tori's post, I would come back and take up space in my own little corner.

Originally, the biggest reason I didn't bring my desires for a D/s relationship to Alpha's attention, was that I was afraid of what would happen if I got what I wanted.
It's a reasonable fear right?

I think that sometimes we focus too much on what we want, and forget to think about what getting our desires might actually entail.
Conversely, it is quite possible to spend so much time wondering about the ramifications, that we make it impossible to achieve whatever it is we are hoping for.

It seems that the adage "be careful what you wish for," applies to many of us subs. Because we want something, and then if we get it, we often have what I call "Oh shit" moments. And I have had lots of them.

I wanted a D/s relationship where we actually lived in an exchange of power.
One day Alpha sat me down and informed me that if I wanted to treat it like a game, he wasn't playing. He said that it was going to be all or nothing--I had to commit fully to it or back out now because it was not going to be a game.

He told me to carefully consider my decision because, one way or another, we were not going to go backwards. I think it's pretty obvious what that decision was...

Looking back, that was one of the biggest turning points for us when it comes to the D/s aspect of our relationship.

Yes, there have been many times since that had me saying "Oh shit! What have I done?" But it's not a decision I would take back. He knows me well. And he knew that half-way would never work.

I guess I got distracted...

My original thought process (1 cup of coffee ago), while largely inspired by tori's post, was mostly about the people who are new to D/s relationships.
If Dominance and submission is something you want to explore, it is well worth taking the time to consider what might happen if you actually get it. Fantasy is great, but it rarely meshes well with reality.

If you want to Dominate, what does that mean to you? If it's just about getting your way, and doing whatever you want, chances are you aren't going to be a good Dominant. You have to be willing to accept the responsibility that comes with being the person in control, and think about how your decisions impact the one submitting to you.
That's a very simplified view that leaves out a lot, but it works for the point I'm trying to make about really trying to think through what you want.

By the same token, if you want to submit, what does that mean? Is it a game you want to play for fun? Or is it the way you want to live. And if it is the way you want to live, how might that impact your life?
I believe that submission is very much about surrendering to the will of another person. If submission is what you want, and you get it, the results often come in the form of not getting your way. Submission is defined by our Dominants--not dictated by the forms that we think it should take.

I have lots of experience with preconceived notions. Lord knows, I've had plenty of them. And when one is exploring this kind of thought process, it's really easy to get loaded down with those notions. Nothing is set in stone, and things rarely turn out as badly or perfectly as we think they will.
So I believe it's wise to think it through, but not to get too stuck in those thoughts.

My fantasy of submission is generally about those moments crushed up against the wall, that intense feeling of being conquered, the incredible experience of bending to his will.

But that bending is not always something that fits fantasy.
When you live submission, sometimes it's about checking the mail, getting up at the crack of dawn to make coffee, mucking around in the dirty laundry, making cookies at midnight, and a whole host of things generally unrelated to the whips and chains many of us love so much.

We don't always get what we want. But I think that in a good relationship (of any flavor), we get what we need. Sometimes it's more or less than we asked for. Occasionally it is something completely different than what we wanted.
It's okay to struggle with getting what we want. And it's okay to struggle with not getting what we want. As long as we end up where we need to be.

Tuesday, October 9, 2012


"I always try to take your advice into consideration baby--whether you think I do or not. Even when it doesn't look like it."

I love that.

In the beginning, when I had an excessive amount of preconceived notions, I thought D/s meant my opinions didn't count as much. In retrospect, that was downright silly--but it seemed horribly logical at the time.
My opinions still count plenty. He just decides what to do with them.

I actually feel like he listens to me much better now. Instead of decreasing consideration, D/s expanded the amount of consideration we give each other.

Sure, sometimes I decide that he's an inconsiderate ass just because he can be. But overall, when it comes to the things that really matter, he gives me lots of consideration. That doesn't mean he always goes in the direction I think he should, but he does listen.

I give him much more consideration than I used to. And it's funny looking back at how we were compared to how we are.
I do so much wondering and thinking, that sometimes I forget how long we have had this dynamic. There are fundamental changes that occurred gradually over time. Sometimes I even forget they happened.

It has been long enough that our exchange of power is woven so deeply into our relationship that it's just always there. Despite the cycles and crazy times where it seems nonexistent.

Looking at where we were and where we are now? The changes changes have been pretty big.

I might even get this whole submission thing down eventually!

Monday, October 8, 2012

Defining Broken

I have been thinking about how we define brokenness since I read a post about it a while back.

I'm not talking about the whole "breaking a submissive" bit. Though since I do (for some odd reason), get hits from the term, I'll probably give in and go there eventually.

My train of thought is more along the lines of how we define someone as being a broken person.
Until I read the aforementioned post (which I can no longer find, so no linky link), I had never considered thinking of someone as being broken because of their physical condition.

I think that broken is really a state of consciousness.

I have a client with a degenerative nerve disease. Her body does not respond to her mental commands as it should, she uses a walker, and is now moving on to a wheelchair. This woman is far from broken. She has spirit, determination, motivation, and a seemingly unconquerable sense of optimism.

Thing1 (sil for new visitors), is a physically fit 24 year old. She is also a very broken human being because she chose to live her life in a way that clearly broke her.
And it runs beyond her addictions now (I don't really care what Thing2 says--unless Thing1 is pissing in a cup in front of her every day, Thing1's still a junky as far as I'm concerned). There are fundamental cracks in who she is as a person.

I think that the majority of us are scarred--it's a part of living and being human.
But the truly broken people? They are not the ones with physical issues. The broken people are the ones who's minds are bent beyond repair.

Sunday, October 7, 2012

Formspring # 7

Someone asked me if I had any ideas about getting a discreet collar for everyday wear.

Personally, I like the chain-mail necklaces (the link will take you to a page of Google images).

There are many different styles, and a pendant can change the look of the whole thing. I have only gotten compliments on mine and never any questions. Most are designed with a nickel link in the clasp chain so it will break if it gets yanked on hard enough or caught on something.

If you can find one made out of silver, it will be quite expensive, and the stainless steel will turn your neck green. Depending on the size, they can also be somewhat heavy.

I have been drooling over an eternity collar for some time. Not having ever worn one, I have no idea how comfortable they are to live in. Though I have read some complaints about their comfort level lol.
And I do think that staying away from O rings and going with some other kind of pendant changes the look of everything collar related.

This is one where I'm thinking readers might have some ideas and perhaps even links to online retailers. *Bats eyelashes nicely.

There is also the idea that something doesn't absolutely have to be a collar to have the same meaning. Anklets, bracelets, or a necklace purchased for the purpose of symbolizing the collar work just as well. It's the thought and intent that the jewelry exists and is worn solely for said purpose that counts.

I would also keep in mind that a lot can be chalked up to eccentric taste in jewelry. I think that people very rarely think twice about collar style jewelry--most of them don't associate it with D/s because they really have no clue that there might be meaning behind it.

Saturday, October 6, 2012

Wicked Chickens!

I want to write...Inspiration is being kind of like an itch I just can't quite reach though--I have it, and I like it...Then I sit down to write and poof! Gone.
Sometimes I feel like my brain is a sieve, and no matter how madly I try to round up my thought, they all drip right through.

On the flip side, I haven't seen Alpha this inspired in ages. He starts a new project Monday and he'll probably be working insane hours for a little while.
The man is acting like a kid in a candy shop.

And I realize that I'm on my way to major culture shock. Because that shift from being together most of the time to not...Is always strange.

When I come back to complain, remind me how much I like seeing him happy and that it's always nice to live through winter, K?

And did I mention it's cold? Not a fan.

I was really good when Alpha walked in the door tonight, I said "hello babe."

What I wanted to say was:

"I tried to cover up the space in the chicken coop but they attacked me so I ended up trying to do most of it from the outside and I really hope they don't eat the tarp or get stuck in the because I'm not going back out there but they flew at my face talons first and tried to tear my eyes out and it's a small space and there's lots of them and you can't get away and I don't like chickens and I never want to go back in there ever ever again they tried to kill me and now the damn things wont even get in there and are trying to freeze to death out in the cold!"

Okay, so it might have been the second or third thing out of my mouth...But I did make great effort to slow down enough for verbal punctuation!

Some might accuse me of being slightly too dramatic about the whole event...But these are not small birds dammit! Plus, "They tried to kill me," sound so much better than "The chickens scared me."

In their usual supportive manner, my husband and children seemed to think that the whole event was great fun and were terribly sorry to have missed it. So they could have helped of course.
I have little doubt that they would have been on the side of the fowl little bitches.
Traitors the lot of them!

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Confession, Absolution, and Truth

If you are a deeply religious person and arrived here by some perverse act of Google, this is not what you were looking for (just in case the adult blog warning didn't cue you in).

I can count the number of times I have been in church on one hand. I used to have dreams about being burnt alive in them, and just really never developed a desire to be there. It's a mystery. Lol.
As a child, my fathers church was his garden, and somehow things turned out very much the same for me--the mountains became my version of God. I came to believe that God isn't about the name we give him/her, but about the intent with which we address our prayers.

The place between Alpha and I where there is nothing else in the world is our church. It is where we grieve, celebrate, attempt to better ourselves, confess our sins, and wash away everything that is impure.

I don't believe f going to confession and being absolved of my sins--I kind of tend to think that if you were an asshole yesterday, you're still going to be one tomorrow and it's not going to change a whole lot just because you confessed your sins.

There was a time when I kept secrets from Alpha. Big secrets, little secrets, it didn't matter--they were mine, and I used them to carefully construct a very large wall between us.

We had been at ttwd for a going on two years when I finally couldn't do it any more. I hadn't created new secrets, and he knew almost everything, but there were things he still wasn't aware of.
I was eight months pregnant with our second son, and I knew my few little secrets were the last pieces of the wall between us.
For me, childbirth was a bit like walking that very fine line between life and death. That line where, in the end, one must make a choice which side they will land on. And I couldn't do it again with my little wall between us.

I we sat outside and I told him every little thing I could think of that I had done wrong or lied about. I thought he was going to be livid. My hormones were out to get me and I just knew he was never going to love me again.
He asked me one question. Held me, and never mentioned that night again.

And I realized not only that I loved him beyond my wildest fantasies of love, but that he loved me in ways I had never even fathomed before.
I mean, how amazing is a man who does that?

Things changed markedly. There was no longer any real barrier between us, and since then, I have gone by the creed "If you can't admit it to Alpha, don't do it."

Sometimes we let little white lies build, sometimes we keep bigger untruths to ourselves. And ultimately, those things fill the space between us, growing into larger barriers that keep us apart.
Looking back, I think that giving Alpha my truth was one of the biggest steps I ever took in submission.
It gave us a clean slate, a place where there was nothing from the outside left between us. Where the purity of our love could conquer all that came before.

I confess to him, he gives me absolution or points out that there are things from which no one is absolved.

And we live our truth together.

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

My Original Question Was...

So I got super distracted on my last post and forgot my one of my original questions.

I don't get a whole lot of commentators trying to "save me" and ranting on about how abused I am. But it seems like some DD blogs tend to get a lot of those comments--woman screws up, woman gets spanked and hates every minute of it. Couple kisses and makes up, the next day they get along better than ever. Commentator comes along and rants about the abusive situation woman is in and how terrible her husband is.
Because he spanked her par their agreement. And she didn't like it.

I can come back here and say, "He whipped me, then threw me over the bed and fucked me raw. I didn't want to but he did it anyways. Now that it's over, I'm on cloud nine." And I have yet to see someone come tell me how abused and mistreated I am...Not that I'm looking to hear that, because truthfully it's a bit annoying when it does happen, but I do wonder why DD blogs seem to get so many of those kinds of comments...

See, told you I got super distracted last time lol.

And just in case anyone thought that I have a problem with DD blogs, despite my attestations to the contrary, here is a link to one I really enjoy, with a wonderful sense of humor: New Life in DD.

And with that line of questioning, I'm off with the sunrise to pay the bills and visit the terrible sadist also known as the dentist . Good times right?