Monday, February 28, 2011


There's a fine line between hurt and damage. Be it mental, emotional, or physical. A bit of hurt is alright, it reminds us that we are alive. Damage takes you to places that are scarring and difficult to recover from.

Recently, one of my favorite blogs (whatiwonder over there >>> ), did a post about humiliation. Which got me to thinking about the subject a bit more in depth. The teasing and mocking are pretty much a part of daily life at this point (have I mentioned how much I absolutely hate being mocked? It really brings out my most disagreeable and predatory tendencies). Anyways, Alpha seems to view some of my insecurities as free game--my jealous tendencies, certain tones I use, my need to fit things into little boxes, etc. Other insecurities He, generally leaves alone, like how I view my body or family issues. But that isn't the stuff that comes to mind when I think about humiliation. It's one of those tricky arena's where there's a fine line between pushing the limits and all out damaging the person being humiliated. It strips away pride leaving you pliant and vulnerable. Exposed in more ways than the physical. It fucks with your head and takes you places you would normally never dare to tread. I think it's one of those areas of exploration where it's really easy to actually cause mental damage if it's done carelessly.

Since damage is on my mind today (see how gracefully I transition ages--totally stable and upbeat as my birthday approaches), physical harm is the most obvious and easily avoided. I'll pick being choked as my example because it's one of my all-time favorite experiences.
Personally, I think hands are the best way to go. For one, I just enjoy the sensation of His hand wrapped around my throat, for two, I think it's easier for Him to gauge when to let go. Obviously, it's not good for your brain to be deprived of blood and/or oxygen and that's a big part of the high that comes with being choked--your brain is not getting the things it needs to continue functioning. That's why actually being choked out on a regular basis is quite unhealthy, you're killing off brain cells. Of course, that's a huge part of the appeal too--someone literally has your life in their hands. It's an easy way to do serious physical damage if you aren't careful.

There's many paths to damage whether you live vanilla or...not.
Sometimes I wonder, what are the drawbacks to being Dominant? Because I can think of some downsides to being submissive like fucking when you want to sleep, doing things you genuinely don't want to, not getting the final say, etc. If I, as a submissive, had to say what I think is the most difficult thing about being Dominant, I would choose avoiding truly damaging one's sub. Because there's a fine line between playing on the edge and pushing your toys over the edge of no return.

Now, if you will excuse me, I'm going to go try not to damage my children while they attempt to avoid the responsibility of cleaning their room.

Sunday, February 27, 2011

All okay

Last night, afterward (I'll let your imagination fill in the blanks. I have little doubt that whatever you come up with will be far more kinky lol), we were lying there in bed. I was feeling needy. The kind of needy where I wanted to be as close as possible without actually crawling into His skin. Alpha tucked my head into His shoulder and said "It's okay. Pleasure, pain, life, death--it's all okay." It was such a random statement. But somehow it was perfect. And I cried (yea, I'm a poster child for stability these days). And you know what? It really was all okay.

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Not really any point in thinking up a title...

After staying with my mom for three days so I could work at my joke of a job (really, it's gotten ridiculous), It was good to come home. Of course, we didn't get to sleep in the same bed, but even just that ten minutes of lying there with my head on Alpha's shoulder, and I felt like a halfway new person.
There's something about that feeling
of His muscles rippling when He moves
the rise and fall of His chest
the beating of His heart...
It's heaven on earth.

I could go on and bitch about my week. How my boss is a manipulative asshole who's actually really easy to manipulate right back. About how there's certain moral compromises I refuse to make and how I refused to put my ass on the line so he could bend the rules. About how I need to quit but I need a job even more and they are hard to come by these days. But I won't (trust me, this doesn't count, I could have driveled on for pages).

Instead, I just want to think about that feeling
of Alpha's muscles rippling beneath my hands
His breath whispering softly in my ear
His heartbeat soothing away the trials of my week.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Regarding deletion: Letter to Alpha

 My love,
 We got to this place where I realized all my cards had to be face-up on Your table. I give You what is expected by both You and I--truth. Always. Now the drawback is that You carry so many of my burdens. That some burdens, my worst fears and nightmares about Your well-being--those should not be yours to carry. Some nightmares and moments in time are just fears to work through. Dark moments in time to be deleted and lost.

I know that here, in internet land, is where you expect the most transparency from me. And you have it. I know you view me writing and erasing before you read something to be breaking the rules. I didn't hide it. And I am prepared to accept the consequences of my actions as you see fit. I have mentioned deletion in posts, I left the nice comment asking about it. Because I'm not hiding things from you. Every account, every password, access to everything I write. Because my cards are all face up on your table.

I'm just saying that you comfort my fears enough. Sometimes I need a place to let them out. Read them and throw them at the words feet for a moments time. My way of working past my worst fears. Because some bad dreams are wicked little things.


So I got my sidebar issue all straightened out (theoretically lol). I ditched the idea of having categories because, well, for something to fit into a category you have to define it. Give it a label and wrap it up with a pretty little bow on top. And who would go where? sfp and kelly--submissive sweethearts (thank you for being such a sweetheart btw sfp)? Kaya--wicked sense of humor and one or two steps from dude with a chainsaw? What about Masters piece and histora--humorous honeys with mildly repressed predatory tendencies...? And sin, fives steps from chainsaw guy and a great read? greengirl--sane and introspective reading for the newbie and beyond? The list goes on (see, it's over on the right lol).

Then, oh my, what box would I go in--the ramblings of an almost sane, sometimes humorous, nut/ soccer mom who happens to be submissive? The point is, that overall, even in daily life, categories are a flawed way of assessing the world. Categories don't work--because not everything fits in cute little boxes. They limit our perceptions and experience.

I get a lot of flack about "my little box of submission" (term coined courtesy of Alpha). That I don't like stepping outside my comfort zone of what I see submission to be. All I can say is, baby I'm trying and you know it shows. Right?


I was looking at my blogroll...and I think it removes one when I add to it. I may have to delete it and start all over again. Perhaps I'll organize them by category. You know, since we all love being labeled lol.

Monday, February 21, 2011

My twat is Not a lie detector!

People said this year would be better. Honestly I think the claims were made in an effort to keep themselves from jumping off a bridge lol. Anyways, case in point, Alpha dislocated His shoulder again and the kiddos are still sick (on the bright side, the screamer is suffering from a temporary loss of his voice).
This is a state of affairs that makes everyone cranky. I, while not as predatory as some (ahem), have a tendency to let my submissiveness slip a bit, and Alpha goes in the direction of no tolerance from His position of power--stuck on the couch and unable to lift His arm above His head. Needless to say, it's been a less than cheery week which is what led to the Tequila. Well, that and an overabundance of lemons bought for pie which hasn't been made yet due to the fact we still need to wrestle around, and hook up, a fairly large propane tank. I'm not much of a drinker. In fact, the bottle only ever comes out in times of "the shit hath hit the fan," or celebration. So it's no wonder that it takes very little to make me tipsy. By the time we were done watching two very strange movies, I had a headache and just wanted to sleep.
The thing is, Alpha's wired all wrong--unlike me, who despises and kind of physical activity while in pain or deeply distracted, He seems to think that sex makes everything better. We were...a bit out of sync. I couldn't go down and He really doesn't like that. Then He started slapping me. Which is not only unfair, it's just plain mean. Unfortunately, it does seem to do the trick. I start sliding down into the mindset He wants me in and my body betrays me every time. He calls my twat a lie detector. Of all the sexy or dirty things He could choose, He has settled on that title. I mean really? My twat is not a lie detector tyvm. It is a traitor!
Anyways, while sex with a newly set shoulder is always lacking in foreplay, it does have one odd little twist in an area I have been thinking about quite a bit--holding myself still and taking whatever He wants to dish out. I know that if He has to move me or make certain movements He's going to be in extreme pain (His pain's a downer, my pain's an upper. Go figure lol), or the shoulder is going to come out again. While bondage is great, there's something to be said for the simple act of having to make yourself be still and take whatever's coming. In the end I had an incredible (and silent) orgasm...just as I heard the little guy wake up coughing like he belonged in the bronchitis ward and proclaiming that he couldn't talk.
So I slept in the sick ward and Alpha slept in the bed--otherwise known as the injury ward.
We're ready to take over the world now lol.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Cocky versus arrogant

Alright, I wrote this post a while back and since I have nothing even remotely interesting to write about this morning, I'm posting it now. Then I can sit back and wait for the cocky and arrogant to drop by and tell me that I'm wrong lol.

So there's a big difference between cocky and arrogant right, because I can't stand cocky men and I married an arrogant one lol. I'm not going to the dictionary this morning because I'm being lazy so you all get my personal definitions. I will address them as male traits because that is the context in which I am thinking of them and they seem more predominant in the male character.
Cocky is the kid who thinks he's a man. He wants to be a bad ass and thinks he is but he really isn't. Full of himself, as opposed to sure of himself, he's the guy you want to take down a few notches and show that he really isn't everything he thinks. He has no real truth to base his overblown self image on because he's got nothing to back it up with. In D/s terms I think he would be the typical "kneel and worship your master slut" guy who claims to be lord of the Universe to every sub he comes in contact with and expects all who come to bow to his whims. Cocky can tell you what he wants, but is incapable of inspiring the need to obey. He needs other people to agree with him in order to validate who he is.
Arrogance is a bit more tricky. Often quite irritating, the arrogant man does have something to base his attitude on. He can back his opinions up and is more than happy to tell others why he is right. Usually quite intelligent, he will explain his point of view to death--just to make sure it's understood. He has faith that he is the best at whatever he does and strives to stay that way. He enjoys the challenge of interacting with others of the same ilk because it's a great opportunity to exercise his mental capabilities and prove that he's right. Of course, it's not a lasting interaction because they All know they are right. Arrogant wants others to agree with him (because after all, he's right isn't he), but doesn't need agreement to validate his stance. In the D/s world, he's the man that can prove himself worthy of your submission with painfully little effort. He inspires the desire to obey because he knows what he is talking about and is more than happy to back it up. He likes being right so much that he usually is.

So there's my definition of cocky versus arrogant. Because I hate cocky men and I'm still adjusting to life with an arrogant one. Maybe I should check to see if my dictionary has gone up in flames yet.

Saturday, February 19, 2011

Rabid bitch

 I suggest scrolling down a couple of posts or visiting the people over on the right to avoid random whining that may have taken over during the last couple of days lol.

I'm feeling a bit sad and angry. And quiet. Never a good combination. The quiet feeling means that I'm one step away from rabid bitch who eats children and other small animals. You know, the crazy woman down the road standing in her yard screaming and demolishing furniture bigger than she is? Yup, that's me (almost there lol).

On another note, still following the bitch vein of yesterday, I got my boss his precious air horn. It's for a boat. A forty foot boat to be exact. It will be very loud in a 15x15' room with a closed door, used by someone whos' afraid of loud noises (what's the technical term for that?). I assured the other attendant that it will only be used once. I'm fairly confidant of that lol.

All the shit aside, Alpha is off skiing today so I'm home alone which is pretty rare these days. I figure I'll clean up the house, make a super yummy dinner, and find my way to a much needed shower. Those are actually some of the things I miss most about not working--Those are the services I'm best at and I miss seeing Him stumble in and compliment the clean house while stuffing His face with good food He didn't have to make. Hey, we have already clearly established that I am Not a service oriented person so take what you can get lol.

Friday, February 18, 2011

Rant of fuckedupness. You have been warned

I might have had something humorous to say today. Something about how my car broke down and life's a bit of a quirky bitch. I might have had something loving to say about how I had to spend three days at my moms so I could go to work and I missed Alpha. But I don't. It's all rant and moan today. I try to keep my blog a fairly whine free zone (I did say "fairly" and there was a notable absence of claiming it to be a bitch free zone tyvm). Today there will be bitching, and whining. Lots of whining. And the desire to throw things.

Alpha told me last night that His sister is moving back out of state and the other sister is going with her. It shot my night to shit. I spent my dream time yelling at her. See, she's already been in that place, there was no work, her life was run by her mother in law, she missed her family and was terribly unhappy. Turns out, she didn't miss her family, she missed her sister. I have always told them that they live their lives as they decide and, while I may disagree, their decisions are their own and I hope they make good ones that bring them joy and take them to good places. This time, this time I'm feeling selfish and lonely. That my family as I knew it is never going to be even halfway whole again. My kids will grow up like I did--with no surrounding family besides a grandmother with one foot over the edge (well, I guess they have one up on me there lol, I had no batty grandma an hour away). I won't get to see my nieces grow up. Birthdays will consist of a few children, unrelated and unattached, illness will be experienced without family support, and my fears of it will go on blog posts to be deleted before Alpha wakes. Purely selfish? Yes, undoubtedly. I wanted the family I never had, and I guess I should count my blessings for the short time I did have it. But I'm not, I'm bitching about the selfish stupidity of the young, the girls my mom probably won't live to see again, the fact that Alpha is my life and I'm worried about Him. Lol, I would have been happier to learn they were splitting to Canada or something. Anywhere but where they were before. And I wonder if they have put any thought into the rest of their family, I wonder where they would have grown up had Alpha or I been as selfish as they at twenty-two. I never asked for anything back, that's not how it works. All I asked is that they have good lives and try to make the right decisions. Just because I disagree with a choice doesn't make it the wrong one, especially when I have selfish motivations. But they have been there before, and there was no work, there was no quality of life, there was no respite from the mother in law constantly telling her how to raise her child, there was just calling me four times a day to say how miserable she was.

See, this is where a general hatred for the female species bites me in the ass (no offense to my readers because a lot of you seem pretty damn cool, but out here in my world, I haven't run into any women really worth calling "friends"). It's lonely. In the end, Alpha is all I need. Sure, I need my boys to be okay, to be healthy and hopefully even happy. But one day all to soon, they will have lives of their own and I'll be bribing them with their favorite food just to come see me. The problem with having one person as the revolving crux of your world is having no one to go to when that person is the focus of your deepest worries and fears.

On an unrelated and still completely bitching note (hey, I've moved passed the whining, give me my bitchness. Some days it's all I have going for me lol). My boss is acquiring an air horn. To summon His attendants (yours truly and a poor older gentleman who's likely to have a heart attack at the event of a sudden loud noise), to His room when He doesn't have the desire to haul his ass off the bed. Since I have to buy it for him, I'm thinking I will get the twenty dollar model that's the size of my head. His reaction should be interesting the first time he blows it in his pumice walled bedroom. With the door closed. A man who's afraid of loud sounds. It could be a little bit entertaining right?

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

"Can I get you anything else Sir?"

I was sweet and pleasant all day yesterday. Translation: I was snarky, out of sorts, and prone to bitching. My mom had offered to watch the boys (it's been about six months since we had a night to ourselves), we were running late to drop them off because Alpha had been trying to figure out what's wrong with my car, and the big boy had been an absolute monster complete, complete with horns and cloven hooves, all day. So naturally, since I was in such an acquiescing and loving mood, I was absolutely thrilled when we got to my moms house and Alpha took off to the mechanics in order to bolt parts back on my car. Then of course we argued in the driveway about my attitude and what we were going to do with twenty four hours to ourselves. By the time we got to the restaurant (twenty minutes before they opened), I was in a completely foul mood and He was totally fed up with it. Now, He could have stopped it hours ago with a little initiative by putting me in my place (please note my skilled ability at displacing all blame here), but He let me keep sinking into bitch zone. Of course, being twenty minutes early to the restaurant, and not having small children bouncing around the car, gave Him ample opportunity to return the favors I had happily been handing out all afternoon. Someone once said that necessity was the mother of invention. I would plead the case that it's evil, not necessity. He whipped me with the freakin cell phone charger. I took it gracefully in stride by pointing out that I wanted to choke Him with it and didn't need to count the blows. Twenty minutes can be a very long time. All I'll say is, I did not choke Him with it, I did count (rather loudly), and when we went in to eat, our wide eyed waitress was a woman I had psych class with a few years ago (she was as bad a waitress as teammate. No grudges here). Of course lol, she was not an issue. Now the cute little thing who wasn't old enough to serve alcohol with an ass Alpha was more than happy to inspect? Completely different story. "Can I get you anything else Sir?" Hmmmm, "no He's good but I'll take your head on a platter with a side of psychotic bitch please and thank you." Gimme some credit, I didn't say it out loud. No jealousy issues here.

It's a typical reaction from women. They drop their eyes, lower their voices, and politely "Can I do anything for you Sir?" Until I'm blue in the face and He's grinning at me without even bothering to fake shame. I think that jealousy is my single largest issue when it comes to being a submissive.

Anyways, it was all good. We came home, watched porn and fucked on the couch. I slept until 10:00. It was a miracle. I can't remember the last time I slept that late.
So all in all, despite it's ups and downs, yesterday was a very good day.

Love is good lol.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Shifting in submission

Okay, so anal is one of those topics that I don't usually give more than a passing mention. In fact, I didn't even have a label for it until not to long ago; however, last night deserves more than a passing mention.

As usual, my recollection of events is fuzzy and most likely out of order lol. We were lying in bed and Alpha said He should take my ass and asked me what I thought about that. I opened my mouth to say no (I always do, it's besides the fact that "no" doesn't count)...and nothing came out. I couldn't say it. The instant I realized that I couldn't actually bring myself to say it, I experienced the most instant and noticeable "shift" I have ever had. I knew that we had reached the point where He owns me completely. Of course, here I am having a freakin revelation and He still wants an answer. My reply was "confused." I'm so brilliant with the English language when I'm under. And He was going to take care of Himself for the most part and just cum in my ass which was really giving me the nice way out. But I couldn't handle Him not taking what He wanted, I needed Him to use me for His needs. And He did.
As I have said in a previous post, for me, anal is one of those things that is much more enjoyable as a fantasy and quite painful in practice. I was already so far under that I wasn't even halfway functional. And He wanted all the way in. I really couldn't take it. But He informed me that I could. He talked me though it. He made me breath and relax. And it was amazing. Then He told me to cum. I couldn't (here's where "shit out of luck" comes in). He did. I couldn't feel my arms, I couldn't form a coherent sentence, I was about as functional as a puddle of mush. Normally, if I don't get to cum, it fucks with my head and my body. All my muscles tense up, and I can't sleep. Not this time...this time I just floated. Then He made me go get water and a cigarette. As I was heading out of the bedroom sneezing (I must be allergic to ownership), He said "bless you," now we're all polite and shit--as if He hadn't been calling me a dirty whore five minutes earlier.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Rules and "oh shit" moments

For the person who asked my last Formspring question, this post is going to expand on my answer a bit.

A little while back I said I was heading for an "oh shit" moment. Yea, moment arriving and continuing lol. As any sub who has introduced the concept of BDSM into their relationship or asked for more knows, they can be rather common lol. We said goodbye to the safe word, then I asked to step things up a bit. A totally back-asswards way of going about things. He's making me nervous.  I wouldn't say it's a bad thing, but I have become painfully aware of my lack of recourse in any given situation. We will have a night to ourselves on Monday (holy shit, miracles do happen!), and the possibilities are almost endless...Anyways, our little shift, and my recent Formpring question have brought a lot more focus to the rules. For some reason, it is a lot easier for me to do a post saying that Alpha pissed all over me than it is to write one that tells what my rules are. You wouldn't think that they would be more personal lol, but there you have it.
So, in the interest of focusing on the previously unwritten and often understated rules, here they are:

The single most important rule is that I will always be honest. Truth is a tricky bitch to say the least.
He asks as many questions as He wants and I will answer truthfully. If He is satisfied with my performance, I  get to ask one question (one question! He's cheap).
I am not allowed to masturbate unless Alpha tells me to.
I cannot cum without permission.
I have to cum on command. If I don't I'm shit out of luck.
I must ask for permission to wear underwear unless going to work.
I am not allowed to sleep clothed (which is a real bitch when it's minus twenty out there).
I must brush my teeth every morning (okay, so it's ridiculous, life is crazy though and my kids are clean so pfhbt).
No online contact with other Dominants besides public interactions through blogs. If any other type of communication occurs, I am to explain it immediately.
I submit only to Him and no one else.
When being spanked or whipped I must say please,thank you, and keep count (seriously, I doubt He put much thought into the fact that it takes a few seconds to say these things. Thus my consistent inability to keep track and be forced to start over at one).
Though it has not been put to the test yet (well, the "who" part anyways), I will fuck when and who He says, He fucks who and when He wants.
I will keep myself shaved at all times. This is the only one I get any leeway with depending on the availability of razors lol.
If I have the cell phone and miss His call, I am to call back immediately.

So there you have it. My little list of previously very private rules that will, no doubt, continue to evolve and expand over time.

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Formspring question: Lil, do you have written rules?

Funny, Formspring seems to be the topic of the day lol.

Anyways, no. I do not have written rules. Though the timing for this question is interesting because I have actually been thinking of writing them down kind of as a focus point. I think the biggest difference between written and spoken rules is the emphasis put on them and maybe writing them out would help me adhere to them better just because it makes them more solid and easy to concentrate on.


The other day, Alpha brought up the idea of making me as for permission to use the toilet (would that mean I'm free to use the evil glass on my own? I doubt it). I was thinking about it last night while stewing  obstinately about not being allowed to go pee--I really had to go dammit. The funny thing is, after I thought about it for a little bit, I started to develop a different relationship with the concept (keep in mind that it was late at night and I really shouldn't be held to any claims made after 10 PM). It's an annoying and fascinating concept. While exploring my irritation with the whole idea and still needing to pee rather badly, I came to the conclusion that it would be a disgustingly great reinforcement of submission. There are times when He makes me ask for permission to pee and occasionally, when I'm in the right frame of mind, I ask without thinking (wtf?). It's really one of those most basic human needs and functions and not having control over it for yourself is a constant reminder of who's in charge. On the other hand, I have been doing it on my own for quite some time now and I think I'm fully capable of continuing to do so lol. I guess I will just wait and see whether He decides to put it into practice or not...

Alpha walked up to me last night to show me "the really cool instrument of torment that magically appeared in the freezer for Me!" Ummm, anything frozen and solid in a shape compatible with being stuck up my ass is not in the least little bit cool. Though in all fairness, for someone who's a bit of a pain slut and despises cold, it's probably a great punishment tool from the standpoint of the Sadistic Bastard wielding it. Okay, okay, I admit--after one use it would probably correct the offensive behavior in one go, but lets not dwell on the possible success rate. It's far more important to focus on what kind of man would do such a thing to a poor innocent little sub (go ahead, laugh from the warm comfort of your chair).

Friday, February 11, 2011

Family shit--nothing interesting here

 This is one of those posts where I direct my readers to all those far more interesting blogs listed over there on the right. Disclaimer duly written and posted lol.

I stopped by to see my mom yesterday. I was about halfway through my shift and totally dragging ass after having worked it off all day (now only if it would return to it's pre-child positioning...) She wasn't doing good. Which is okay, I don't expect her to be on top of the world. She's alone for the first time in thirty years. It has to be really rough. Anyways, I wasn't functioning at top efficiency and I said something that was designed to make her a little bit happy, but it got a response I was not prepared for. I said "Alpha says He's going to try and get the business back together and I'm going back to school." Now, if D/s isn't your thing, you will interpret that sentence to mean "Alpha's trying to get the business back together and that means I can go back to school." But that's not how she took it. Her response was a despondent "we just need them to tell us what to do." Honestly, I just sat there and sucked on my cigarette while trying to crawl into my coffee cup. I had nothing to say. I couldn't make it better. I couldn't define for her that she had spent the last half of her life in a D/s relationship. I couldn't tell her she was wrong because she wasn't. I had nothing, nada, zip, zilch.

And now I'll do my morning rounds of all those blogs I enjoy reading, and get my shit together for work. With any luck, I may actually have something interesting to say tomorrow lol.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Moving forwards

Alpha told me that when He gets His shit together (His words, not mine), He wants me to quit my job and go back to school. I was both thrilled and terrified. I would like to get my M.A. It would depend on Alpha being able to find work and would be complicated with our distance from everything, and the kids, and the list goes on. Maybe I'm just trying to talk myself out of it because it would be a pretty big step for me. But I am excited. Maybe I will be able to start in the Fall semester. We shall just see how the Spring and Summer shape up.

By telling me to go back to school, Alpha reminded me of the aspects of D/s that don't always get much attention--mainly, the factor of a Dominant encouraging His submissive's growth. I know that a part of Him would love for me to be home always; waiting at the door when He gets home every day. And a part of me would very much like that as well. But overall, as a person, I would feel unaccomplished. Like I had a purpose that I was wasting away.

I am reminded that He has faith in my abilities, in my intelligence, in me. That, while He calls the shots and I may not always like them, He always keeps my best interests in mind. That He will always push me to be better, to grow and evolve, to take another leap of faith.

I'm a little bit scared and a little bit excited.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

son number one

This time eight years ago, I was sure I was dying. I was about 15 hours into what would be a 36 hour long labor (when I got pregnant with number two, they said it would go faster. They lied). I had spent my pregnancy fearing the end of the process. Nobody told me what an everliving bitch contractions are--I seriously wished a three day labor on my midwife. When she had her own it took her all of four hours. Bitch could have repopulated the planet in the time it took me to get out two.
So tomorrow, son number one will be eight whole years old. How in the hell did that happen? I have this feeling that when eighteen rolls around, I will be saying the same thing lol.

Always there

I have been feeling whiny and out of sorts. I find it annoying and unbecoming (imagine how fun it is to live with as another person lol). My blog posts reflect it--humor, what's that? Anyways, Alpha made my day yesterday. I was having a bad morning. He dropped me off at work where my attitude immediately took another downward turn. Then, He came back. To show me what He had bought the kiddo for his birthday and tell me to have a good day. Alpha informed me He was going to beat my ass for going to bed with underwear on and not asking for permission. He made me suck His cock in the front seat of the car (with me bemoaning why the car couldn't have been the Wal Mart parking lot instead), He told me everything was going was going to be okay, brought me coffee, kissed me on the forehead, and made my life alright.
That is why the immediate reward is not important--because He gives me what I need when I need it. Because He loves me. Because He's always there for me when I need Him.

Monday, February 7, 2011


Okay, so I have been inspired by another blogger again. greengirl (whatiwonder over there on the right), brought up disassociation on her blog and  in response to my comment, wondered (no pun intended hehe) about how Alpha keeps me from doing it and my experiences around it. Though I will probably diverge greatly from her context and background discussion of disassociation, I think it's actually a brilliant line of thought (hers, not mine lol). Many of us tend to do it either because we are always thinking, or past trauma, or to much going on in life, the list goes on.

For me, it was important to take a look at Why I just kind of went away in my head. Personally, it was trauma and a strong dislike of sex because of the trauma. These days, when it does happen, it's usually just because I am stressed out and think to much. But I used to be a regular, here are the keys at the front desk, I'm checking out Again person. I have more experience running away in my head than is really healthy lol. It was how I coped with the things that were done to me before Alpha and I just kind of carried it along into our relationship. It was kind of a "oh here he comes, bye I'll be leaving now. Check back in later" kind of thing.

I could have written the friggin textbook on disassociation. Alpha used to call me the ice queen. It wasn't a compliment. Going away in my head was  way to escape from the things that happened to my body. A way to be somewhere else any time I was being touched. A great tool for evading the moment. And it really made for a horrible sex life which translated into a whole shitload of marital problems.
As I said before though, these days it only really happens if I am stressed and can't quiet my mind and keep myself in the moment.

Ttwd in itself has helped tremendously. Part of it is just the outright intensity surrounding our interactions--it has a way of blowing everything else to hell. It's being in that state of mind where nothing else matters. Only that moment.
Now disassociating scares me because I'm afraid it will spread like the flue or some shit and I'll just be stuck in that place.  I don't ever go there on purpose, or even out of habit anymore. I don't use it to control my ability to process pain--I just try to sink so deeply into the experience that pain itself is something to fly on.

Alpha usually notices when I'm not all home almost as soon as I do. His reaction is always immediate and a quick response is expected--He grabs me by the throat, makes me look Him in the eye, and the statement is the same every time: "where are you at little one?" Depending on the answer, He will either pause to talk about it, or ramp up the physical action by slapping me or something equally shocking and instant. No matter what He does though, He always keeps eye contact. I think that itself is the biggest single contributor to His ability to pull me back. It makes me literally focus on nothing else.

I wouldn't say that He always Keeps me from dissociating, but He is quick to notice and respond so I spend much less time wandering around in my mind when we are together than I used to. The quicker He is at responding, the greater my ability to quell it before it really happens.

Life is about our human ability to experience. Existence is the joy of love, that amazement when your children are born, the crushing feeling of watching a loved one take their last breath--it is the vast range of emotions and experiences that make us perfectly flawed. It is the experience of being human. When we disassociate from situations, we are shorting ourselves on life and not living up to our potential as beings created with the ability to live the purity that is life, love, heartbreak, pain, discomfort, pleasure. The things that make us human. We inhibit our ability to live reality as it was meant to be (I'm not claiming that disassociating can't be a mind-saving tool during traumatic experiences, I would be the first person to say it can. Though, at some point, you do have to check back in which is never fun).

I think I wandered quite far from what greengirl was talking about, but I'm also pretty sure that the rest of us out here in blog land are sure she'll be great. Enjoy the experience.

Sunday, February 6, 2011

After sitting here for two hours waiting for baby girl to run down her batteries, I have aswered my first question. In case anyone else didn't realize it lol--the motivation matters.
And I'm thinking that the answer to the second question is that yes, it is possible. At least to a certain extent. I doubt I would have realized how much the motivation matters if it wasn't.

*Sigh, I don't know why simple concepts can be so difficult to grasp.

Service for service's sake

I am not a service oriented person. When it comes to my relationship with Alpha, I really wish I was. But I'm not. Today I did something for Him that I really didn't want to do. He didn't ask me to do it and i didn't tell Him I was going to. Now for all the gutter minds like myself, it was not sexual, it was not extremely submissive, and it wasn't in the least little bit kinky. My action of devotion--I went through all the old bills and sorted a massive amount of ancient and long overdue paperwork for His business. And it was just downright depressing. Because it's a mess and a massive pile of debt. But it needed to be done and had been put off for a year. Part of me resented it because I made it clear a long time ago that I didn't want to do the books and He accepted that. Here I was sorting through the mess that was His business. On the other hand, I really wanted to see the look on His face when He saw that it had been done, the relief in His smile when He realized that all He would have to do was take it all to the accountant. And it was worth it. Absolutely worth it. The thing is, that's not all I wanted. I wanted the approval; the feeling of Him being pleased with me. I wanted a "good girl" fix and some extra attention.

So, do the motives impact the quality of service?

In a way, I think they do. Doing something just to please and not wanting or expecting anything in return is somehow...different in its outcome. It did make Him happy. I did get the approval and the feeling that only comes when he is truly pleased with me. But I didn't exactly get my "good girl" fix and I didn't get any extra attention. And I don't feel that should be an issue. Yet it is, because I gave Him a back rub, because He brought baby girl (our niece) home and I have to stay up with her (the child never passes out at a decent hour, I swear she has the go power of a fucking energizer battery), and then I will wake up in the morning, pack them all up, and try to head out early to do the kiddo's birthday shopping before hauling my tired ass to work. And I feel a bit under appreciated.
At the same time, I sorted the mess to make Him happy, I gave Him a back rub for His pleasure, I told Him to bring baby girl home so she wouldn't have to go back to a house without heat for the night. So I shouldn't have the slightest issue with any of it. My logic is fucked tonight. I'm not even making sense to myself.

The questions stand though--do the motives impact the quality of service, and if so (being inherently a bitch and not having a service oriented bone in my body), is it really possible to change that mindset and serve just for service's sake?

Expanding mindsets

I have been thinking about the way ttwd expands who we are as human beings. It was compounded by a post I read this morning that mentioned BDSM as a spiritual experience. Granted, it's not always about a deeper meaning because it's one of those things that However, while it may be a characteristic part of our personalities, exploring the possibilities changes the way we see ourselves. I feel that my perception is skewed because we discovered this path after years together so I cannot really comprehend things in the context of arriving at it in any other way. I guess we all come at it from our own point of view though.
Anyways, sometimes it's just good fun and sometimes it's not really fun at all. But there are those times when I wake up in the morning, and I realize that I am not quite the same as I was the day before. This usually happens after the horizons have been expanded in some way. Exploring D/s as a way of life with Alpha has deeply impacted my perceptions of both myself and our relationship. It's an alternate state of mind to the world we live in. A step into another reality of our very own and we bring pieces of that reality back with us into everyday life. It's somewhat addictive.

As I was stalking my husband around the house this morning for no good reason besides a desire to be close, He looked over His shoulder and asked "what's up little one?" I grinned and asked if I could be His stalker. He chuckled, "awww, you have a crush on me."
Oh, I most certainly do. and I can't think of a better person to have a crush on.

Saturday, February 5, 2011


He was slapping me and commanding me to cum. Adrenaline and a mild burst of panic moved in because He was not letting up. Slapping me over and over. And a part of me wanted the word I had never used back, and another part of me knew I couldn't have said it anyways, and they both got run over by a completely mind blowing orgasm.

"I want my word back." He half snorted, half laughed "why, you never used it." Dragging my brain back to partially functional I stated (not super confidant in my position mind you), that well, I Might at some point. He didn't even bother trying not to laugh and said "you know you wouldn't have it any other way." Fucker. He's right on all fronts. But there was a sense of comfort in knowing it was there. Not having it is a bit like running towards the lighting not away from it. Hey, I never claimed to be super bright lol.

It's no news that I have a hard time admitting what I want or need. But the topic of control came up. Okay, I know I'm probably heading towards an "oh shit" moment. And like I told Alpha, I didn't want to say what I was thinking because well, if there were ensuing changes, I would only have myself to blame. Specifically, I was thinking that I wouldn't mind more control. Well, less. I guess it just depends on which side of the fence you're on. Anyways, He proceeded to grab me by the throat (for the record, I absolutely Hate being mocked, it irritates the shit out of me and quite frankly pisses me off to no end). As He slapped me He repeated over and over in His best mock up of my voice "you're to controlling, you're to controlling." Now, this comes from our days before D/s and was my very own statement years ago. Irony is bountiful around here. And yes, I'm not missing the obvious irony that my last post was about me being a control freak lol. Like I said, it's bountiful.

Call me slow if you want--I might yell. Don't say I didn't warn you--but I'm still having a difficult time adjusting to the concept of my body not really being my own. Until recently, I hadn't honestly thought about it under the stupid microscope that my mind puts everything under. I think that the new feeling of actually having to adjust (I mean come on, how long have we been at this, seriously, it's almost ridiculous), is coming from shifting a bit deeper into D/s.

And that is the end of my late night fuzzy ramble.

Friday, February 4, 2011

Control feak

I'm a control freak. An all out "my way is always best," control freak. It doesn't help that I am usually right (oh hush), which makes me exert control even more. Because after all, I'm right...except for when I'm not. I go through these phases where I push back. Hard. And it's stupid because what I really want is to surrender. Completely. So why push, it's not like I doubt that He will push back and win.

When saying makes it so

Okay, I was going to wait until tomorrow to write this post because they never come out quite like I want when I toss them out before going to work. xantu (over on the right >>> ) made a comment about her Master saying she was okay and that kind of making it true. Which kind of ties in with some thoughts I've been having lately and I need to make some room in my head so that means getting these out lol. I think that's one of the reasons I love ttwd so much--my mind is always moving, thinking, full, going non fucking stop. And it brings me times where my head is silent. All those thoughts shut up, and I

I have been wondering why it is that when I'm not okay, and Alpha tells me I am...then it's true. Like being walked through pain, saying I can take it and it's alright. Like when He comes down to the gate as I'm leaving just to kiss me on the head and say everything is going to be okay. Or when He's fucking me and I'm swearing up and down I can't handle it and He tells me that I can handle anything He says I can...and I can. While His knowledge of where my thresholds are is definitely a contributing factor, it is not the only reason. So what are the reasons? Honestly, I'm still not sure. I should have ruminated on it longer lol. Maybe it's because I know that He's always there for me no matter what. Maybe it's because I trust Him to tell me the truth so if He says it, I know it's so. Or perhaps His belief in me enables me to believe in myself. Or my faith in Him gives His words the power they have?

His words have far more power over me than they did before D/s. From the simple  "good girl," to the disapproving "what do you think you're doing?" His love and anger have so much more impact on me. It's actually rather ridiculous.

Ooh, what a revelation, lil does a post that turns into a series of unanswered questions. Big surprise there lol.

Thursday, February 3, 2011


I hate being cold. I hate it so much that when asked to come up with my own punishment (okay, so I offered having an early bedtime first, but that's like a fantasy around here so Alpha just laughed at me), everything I could think of involved cold. I don't "do" cold. It's -36 F. It does not get that cold here. Ever. I don't know how sin (finding my submission, over on the right>>>) does it. My house is a whopping 90 degrees warmer than outside. Which sounds good...Have I mentioned, I hate being cold?

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Kitchen utensils and letting go

What is the appeal with kitchen utensils? They aren't sexy, they look inconspicuous and completely not dangerous. But they are vicious little instruments. It's goodbye metal spoon, hello cheese grater. Fucking cheese grater! I always knew I hated that thing, just not how much lol.

We were lying in bed afterwords and I asked Alpha why He thought I had never used my safe word. He said it's because He knows my breaking point better than I do and stops just short of there. Thinking about it, He's right. There have been many times when I was literally taking a breath to scream it out and...He stopped.
I admitted to Him that I requested a safe word in the beginning because it would give me the freedom to use words like "stop" and "no" without Him feeling obliged to reassess what He was doing and honor them.
He has asserted the idea before that I not have a safe word.
So last night
I gave up my safe word. For good.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011


Last night He was asleep and I was not. I had showered, washed and scrubbed. Prepared for what I was sure was coming. But He was asleep! Now, anal is one of those things that's always better as a fantasy. Whenever you put it into practice it's painful even if rather enjoyable. But when you think it's coming and your ready for it, then "someone" is asleep, it's a bit of a letdown. It could have gone two ways--I roll over and pass out too, or I wake Him up in His favorite manner for something He wanted before going to sleep. I chose option A. Which of course, led to some personal introspection as I drifted off to dream land for all of two hours before the kiddo woke up.
I never actively wake Alpha up. Ever. And by actively, I mean I never just start sucking Him off (It's a sure way to wake Him up which He loves, so it's not like He would be inconvenienced in any way lol). So why? In situations like last night, part of it is because I'm well aware that the fantasy is going to be more pleasant than the act itself. But really, it's because I would not only have to admit I want anal, I would have to incite the activity myself. I mean, I might as well write it on my forehead in permanent marker "wants to be fucked in the ass!" Hmm, the wise side of me is saying that backspacing is a valuable tool and I should probably use it before the marker comes out again...Eh well, I'm not feeling wise lol. The truth is, I have a problem going after what I want (even when it's perfectly compatible with His desires) because there's no absolving myself of responsibility for the ensuing activity.
Introspection and admission are terribly overrated.