Huge and Absolutely Ridiculous Kink...Wait, Is That Even A Kink?

So umm, I've rebuilt myself fairly well, (in my own opinion, of course) however; sub me doesn't really function for shit lately. I guess maybe when you remake so much of your life you just have to take it one piece at a time?

Thing is, I've had a while now lol...

I struggle with writing about D/s in this space these days. Partly because I've been kind of stuck, but mostly because there is always the chance that one day he will drop in and read again.
This...That huge part of me that I explored with him for so long...It was the part of me he shredded the most. And I'd be lying if I said I didn't dread the potential outcome of every chance I take in opening myself back up to that. We became the opposite of the idea of BDSM which stirs my heart body and soul.

But I digress from my original train of thought...

See, I've got this Domme girl. And we've put together a life, and have both rebuilt ourselves from scratch. Together. So I have a safe and healthy space to open the door for the sub. We have been D/s for years to varying extents...We're just...I think that in a way we have both challenged each other greatly as we rebuilt, and falling back into our rhythm has been difficult...

Still digressing from my original train of thought...

All of the above meanderings stemmed from one original musing about something I have identified as a huge, and possibly absolutely ridiculous kink. And is it really even a kink?? I mean, it feels like one lol.
The feeling of safety. Physical, emotional, and spiritual safety. It's a huge turn on. And when when it's coupled with painful or terrifying things with an occasional hint of tenderness? To be tortured, yet secure in being truly treasured...Yea...That. Safety provides for the luxury of true vulnerability, and that is hot as hell to me.

Safety allows for a lowering of defenses, and I have found that it is only in the lowering all of my defenses that I become free to truly experience submission and its dangers to the fullest.

I guess...I need to fly again... To wrestle and succumb to the dragon...I just have to take the leap and believe it won't devour me completely. Or perhaps more accurately, hope that it doesn't chew me up and spit me out. After all, being devoured is itself a huge part of the appeal.

Protected

So there's this feeling I have been thinking about a lot lately.

It has to do with the sensations of safety...The feeling I have in any given situation I am in depending on Alpha's presence.

I give Him more of myself than I ever thought I could give anyone. And He gives me more than I ever imagined I could receive from another human being...
One of the things He gives me is the sensation of safety. Not just in the lineal form of being physically protected...But also an overall sensation that everything is going to be okay. No matter what.

It's not that I am incapable of protecting myself, far from it. But it's stressful sometimes ya know...

We have been together for almost half of my lifetime. And because I'm so used to it, sometimes I forget that He even gives me this feeling...Until He's not here.
Though there are other times I just lie there at night and revel in that feeling--the sensation of being protected. And I call it a sensation because words sound so flat and I cannot seem to find any that will express it properly.
I curl up to Him and soak up the feeling that everything is right with the world. And no matter how much the dogs bark, or little things go bump in the night, it's okay because He is with me.

Our dynamic has increased this feeling tremendously. One of the things that led to my realization/admission of these feeling was accepting a certain theme in my fantasies (Okay, I know Alpha's going to say that He pointed this out a long time ago but, well you know, tactile learner here lol).

Rescue me. Of course.
Over and over and over again.
Ironically, when this translates to real life it usually means rescuing me from myself. Which is rather ridiculous...But I'm not ready to be quite that introspective here. So, moving on.

There's something about having the person who is your protection from the world be the one that inflicts pain on you, controls you, does what they wish with you.
The one who protects from all other evils is the one who inflicts His evils of choice. And for some reason that is really hot and erotic to me. In a rather twisted way perhaps, but there is something unique and intimate and intense about it.

It makes me feel even more safe--He can humiliate me, and hurt me, and take me to the edge of sanity.

But He will not allow others to do so.

And that is a feeling I cannot seem to find quite the right words for.

The princess complex, trust, and blind faith

Life has been nuts and I have been missing those little addictive moments of random Dominance.
Last night as I was curled up to Alpha's shoulder, I was thinking about the feelings that don't depend on anything to exist. They are there without physical expression, without the need for words as a descriptive process. They just are. Mainly, safety and trust. The protection I have when in Alpha's presence is quite important to me. It is one of the greatest and most tangible things He gives me. It's addictive and familiar. It offers a rhyme and reason to this crazy world we inhabit. It makes those sadistic tendencies He has more attractive, it makes me feel like everything's alright no matter what. And oddly enough? It plays a huge part in all my fantasies.
Alpha calls it my "princess complex" lol--the need to be rescued by my knight in shining armor over, and over...and over again. Maybe it's because of those times when there was no one to rescue me and I needed it oh so badly? I don't know. I used to find His analogy rather insluting (yes yes, I decided to leave the typo), but after thinking about it for a little while (a year...or two...or three...), I figured out that it's true and there's really no point in denying the truth to someone who knows me inside out and values truth above so much else. Here is one of those places where safety and trust intertwine. After all, can you really have one feeling without the other--my trust in Him strengthens  the safety I feel in His presence.
So my little complex? It stands. And sometimes she needs to be fed a little. And He's okay with that.

Trust is not the same as blind faith. Blind faith is what leads humankind into religious wars, unquestioningly into agreement with actions and atrocities that strip us of our freedom to make choices and express ourselves. Blind faith is dangerous--it is what leads us to follow planetary leaders without questioning the value of their judgment, it has no need for real trust or respect, it is little more than an age old tool to control the masses. A construction of man often veiled by our need to believe in powers greater than ourselves. I have never been good at blind faith. Faith should be based on acquired knowledge, not blind belief.
Occasionally, Alpha will want me to do or believe something based on blind faith (is it still blind if prior experience tells you someone is trustworthy and generally in the right?). More often than not though, He asks for things based purely on my trust of Him. And that's okay--because of that trust, He has earned a little bit of blind faith. And it's based on our experiences--not blind belief. Because while love and faith may at times be blind, what we have is based deeply in the knowledge of who we are and the dynamic we have.