So things are going well...I was cussed out by a customer before I even had a chance to clock in a couple days ago, and the next day it was so bad that one of the store managers told me, and I quote, "Nobody is getting fired today. If you need to cuss someone out today for your mental health and well-being, today is the day. Have at it".
It's fine. I'm fine. Everything is fine.
I'm a home-body. Really, not much has changed about the way I live, (besides the constant desperation to disinfect, not touch my face, keep illness away from my family, find toilet paper, wash my hands, figure out math problems, not go crazy, etc) because staying home is my idea of a good time. Working with the public though...Holy hell fuck...!
Ya'll...What, and I cannot stress this enough, the actual fucking fuck?!
Anyone else around here having the same brand of fun?
Showing posts with label Rants. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Rants. Show all posts
Monday, April 20, 2020
Tuesday, February 10, 2015
Reprehensible
This whole mandatory health insurance thing? It's bullshit. Complete and total bullshit.
The ironic thing is, if we were still living where we were before, the kids would still qualify for medicaid.
As is, we'll be paying over $600 bucks a month with a $6,000 deductible, no dental, and god forbid anyone need a CT scan or be admitted to the hospital for anything. 'Cuz it ain't covered. And did I mention that I haven't even filled out the paperwork yet? Wonder if having a bad neck (that isn't covered anyways) adds to the bill...Probably. Because it's bullshit. If it adds up to too much more money for pretty much zero coverage, I'm throwing my computer at the wall and strangling Alpha's boss for not offering benefits.
I find the whole concept completely reprehensible. If some republican runs on the platform of repealing this mandatory insurance shit, I'm switching affiliations in a heartbeat. How sad is that?
The ironic thing is, if we were still living where we were before, the kids would still qualify for medicaid.
As is, we'll be paying over $600 bucks a month with a $6,000 deductible, no dental, and god forbid anyone need a CT scan or be admitted to the hospital for anything. 'Cuz it ain't covered. And did I mention that I haven't even filled out the paperwork yet? Wonder if having a bad neck (that isn't covered anyways) adds to the bill...Probably. Because it's bullshit. If it adds up to too much more money for pretty much zero coverage, I'm throwing my computer at the wall and strangling Alpha's boss for not offering benefits.
I find the whole concept completely reprehensible. If some republican runs on the platform of repealing this mandatory insurance shit, I'm switching affiliations in a heartbeat. How sad is that?
Friday, January 23, 2015
Stupid System
I get it now. Why so many kids give up, flail off, and do poorly in school.
It's because the system sucks.
Everybody's always going on about "These kids today" and how
'They're not motivated to make anything of themselves, blah blah blah."
I'm inclined to think that, quite often, it's not their fault. Depending on your geographical location, I suppose, not only is excelling not encouraged, it's damn near impossible.
Two weeks in, and I've already had it with the public school system.
To skip a grade, I'd have to homeschool the little guy for two years because of "age restrictions", then take in the piles of every piece of work he did over those two years to prove that he did it.
If he tests into the 99th percentile, he can go to the gifted program next semester. So basically, he's screwed this semester, and any kid who places into the 90th percentile, but not the 99th, is stuck being taught the lower concepts with the rest of the crowd. It's asking a lot of the little guy, especially given that he is completely unfamiliar with the testing format. That's also a whole lot of pressure for a six year old when he knows it's the difference between being bored to tears and happily challenged!
If you're behind, there's programs galore, and everybody has ideas about how to help you. If you're average your golden--you can roll with the crowd, slide along under the radar with minimum effort, and be considered just peachy. If you're ahead of the curve, but not "Profoundly gifted", you're just screwed. Nobody knows what to do with you, or has time to deal with you.
They're testing him for various things this week and next. Next Friday I meet with his teachers, the principal, and the school counselor to see if they can work with him. You know, to try and do something about my problem child. Since, apparently, it's a problem to be smart. Unless you're a genius, which he is not.
Stupid ass jacked up system.
It's because the system sucks.
Everybody's always going on about "These kids today" and how
'They're not motivated to make anything of themselves, blah blah blah."
I'm inclined to think that, quite often, it's not their fault. Depending on your geographical location, I suppose, not only is excelling not encouraged, it's damn near impossible.
Two weeks in, and I've already had it with the public school system.
To skip a grade, I'd have to homeschool the little guy for two years because of "age restrictions", then take in the piles of every piece of work he did over those two years to prove that he did it.
If he tests into the 99th percentile, he can go to the gifted program next semester. So basically, he's screwed this semester, and any kid who places into the 90th percentile, but not the 99th, is stuck being taught the lower concepts with the rest of the crowd. It's asking a lot of the little guy, especially given that he is completely unfamiliar with the testing format. That's also a whole lot of pressure for a six year old when he knows it's the difference between being bored to tears and happily challenged!
If you're behind, there's programs galore, and everybody has ideas about how to help you. If you're average your golden--you can roll with the crowd, slide along under the radar with minimum effort, and be considered just peachy. If you're ahead of the curve, but not "Profoundly gifted", you're just screwed. Nobody knows what to do with you, or has time to deal with you.
They're testing him for various things this week and next. Next Friday I meet with his teachers, the principal, and the school counselor to see if they can work with him. You know, to try and do something about my problem child. Since, apparently, it's a problem to be smart. Unless you're a genius, which he is not.
Stupid ass jacked up system.
Saturday, January 17, 2015
So Maybe I'm Still Bitching
Yes, well...Apparently I'm not done with the whole school rant.
I know that I have comments to reply to (thanks for sticking with me through the silence broken only by bitching, btw--I do appreciate it), I'll play comment catch up later. Promise!
In all fairness, my eldest is thriving. He's at the top of the class, but he's still being challenged and has a teacher who is adapting the work to accelerate him and push the whole class ahead a bit.
But...
My little guy came home and broke my heart last night though. He's six, loves learning, loves doing good on school work, picks concepts up quickly, and is the busiest human being most people have ever met.
Last night he came home, did an entire section of the month's four part math assignment in five minutes, sighed, and told me "I don't like school mom. It's boring and the class isn't for me." I inquired why he felt the class wasn't for him, and his response (in the heartrendingly way that only a little kid can) was, "Because they're not teaching me. They're just teaching the other kids. There's nobody like me in class. They don't know any of it". He was so. Very. Sad.
He's lonely because he's smart and I let him work at his own pace so he's a semester ahead of the curve. I thought that the middle of second grade would be too much for him, but I think I should have just tried to get him tested into it.
He loves learning so much--like the way I love it much. He's too young to lose that. At the moment, he's miserable, lonely, bored, and struggling with the dumbed down skills he skipped months ago because it was easier for him just to do it all the more advanced way that they teach after teaching the stupid shit.
It shocks me that his teachers are refusing to work with him. He feels like he's being punished for being ahead of the class, and I feel like it's completely contrary to the concept of schooling to leave a kid behind because he's doing "too" well. My sil's both have advanced children who's teachers are willing to work with them within the grade and allow them to do more advanced assignments...
I screwed up by not trying to stick him straight into second grade. So I'll talk to the counselor next week, and ask to get him tested into second grade. This whole public school thing? Not something I know anything about, but I assume that they can't refuse to at least give him a test...?
My impression is that the school system in general frowns on grade skipping. But my understanding is that even just getting tested for the gifted program could be four months out. And he's soo miserable--he can't even emotionally relate to the kids in first grade because they're just in different places developmentally. Apparently. Who knew having smart kids could suck so much?
*Sigh* if he was behind, they'd work with him!
I might at some point have something related to D/s...Maybe. Eventually. When the polar ice caps thaw completely...
I know that I have comments to reply to (thanks for sticking with me through the silence broken only by bitching, btw--I do appreciate it), I'll play comment catch up later. Promise!
In all fairness, my eldest is thriving. He's at the top of the class, but he's still being challenged and has a teacher who is adapting the work to accelerate him and push the whole class ahead a bit.
But...
My little guy came home and broke my heart last night though. He's six, loves learning, loves doing good on school work, picks concepts up quickly, and is the busiest human being most people have ever met.
Last night he came home, did an entire section of the month's four part math assignment in five minutes, sighed, and told me "I don't like school mom. It's boring and the class isn't for me." I inquired why he felt the class wasn't for him, and his response (in the heartrendingly way that only a little kid can) was, "Because they're not teaching me. They're just teaching the other kids. There's nobody like me in class. They don't know any of it". He was so. Very. Sad.
He's lonely because he's smart and I let him work at his own pace so he's a semester ahead of the curve. I thought that the middle of second grade would be too much for him, but I think I should have just tried to get him tested into it.
He loves learning so much--like the way I love it much. He's too young to lose that. At the moment, he's miserable, lonely, bored, and struggling with the dumbed down skills he skipped months ago because it was easier for him just to do it all the more advanced way that they teach after teaching the stupid shit.
It shocks me that his teachers are refusing to work with him. He feels like he's being punished for being ahead of the class, and I feel like it's completely contrary to the concept of schooling to leave a kid behind because he's doing "too" well. My sil's both have advanced children who's teachers are willing to work with them within the grade and allow them to do more advanced assignments...
I screwed up by not trying to stick him straight into second grade. So I'll talk to the counselor next week, and ask to get him tested into second grade. This whole public school thing? Not something I know anything about, but I assume that they can't refuse to at least give him a test...?
My impression is that the school system in general frowns on grade skipping. But my understanding is that even just getting tested for the gifted program could be four months out. And he's soo miserable--he can't even emotionally relate to the kids in first grade because they're just in different places developmentally. Apparently. Who knew having smart kids could suck so much?
*Sigh* if he was behind, they'd work with him!
I might at some point have something related to D/s...Maybe. Eventually. When the polar ice caps thaw completely...
Friday, January 16, 2015
Insufferable People
In my defense, this is really more of a rant than a whine...
From an educational standpoint, public school already sucks. The little one is bored to tears, and his teachers won't give him more challenging work (he asked for something more challenging that 3+3, and they weren't having any of it).
I know that they have to teach to the most common denominator, and they seem like very nice ladies, but I'll be damned if I watch him fall through the cracks because he's actually ahead of the class and is really only struggling with the concepts that have been dumbed down.
Though that's really a side rant today...Oh yes, I'm full of good things at the moment!
I enjoy a certain amount of humility in a human being. I should probably rephrase that...Well, maybe I really shouldn't, but I'm going to anyways: I hate pompous people who just know they are better than than the entire population of earth.
Seriously, I've met some pretty awful chess parents, but scholastic chess isn't big here. Why does the one parent I've met have to be an insufferable ass? What you have and how long you're willing to blather on about it doesn't make you a better person.
The irony? He's the type of person that looks down on clubs and kids like mine, yet his son, for all his "amazing classes, experience, and overall complete brilliance", is not all that great at the game.
He asked about Alpha's work, and quickly changed the subject because it's complicated, and he didn't understand so he couldn't know it all in the conversation. I suppose that when you already know everything, there's not too much room for anything else...
I think that how a person thinks of themselves says a lot about them. Chances are, if you know with absolute certainty that you are the salt of the earth and far superior to anyone with less education or material means than yourself, you're actually just an asshole with a big paycheck and a couple of bratty kids.
My son lost his first tournament game here, and he misses his tutor and old coach. I told him something along these lines:
And that it's important to never forget where you came from. He has earned his ratings fighting tooth and nail, one slow month at a time, in a club lacking the economic ability to travel to big tournaments. He was one of the best scholastic players in the state, and he conducts himself with appreciable humility. Much like me, albeit to a far lesser extent, he knows what it's like to come from nothing, and he doesn't respect people based merely on how they feel about themselves, or how high they scored on the luck of life's draw.
I miss our club. And standing out there last night, listening to that man go on? I would have given damn near anything to have my son's tutor or old coach standing next to me rolling their eyes in the dark and reminiscing about the amazing ability of mankind to be so lost in their own self-absorption, that their kids will never even have a shot at being good people. Because they don't actually care about good people--they care about being better than other people.
I was good--no random thoughts took an inappropriate stroll out of my mouth...Next week I'll meet the mother. Alpha seems to think that she'll probably be far to good to speak to me. One can always hope right? Because really,
From an educational standpoint, public school already sucks. The little one is bored to tears, and his teachers won't give him more challenging work (he asked for something more challenging that 3+3, and they weren't having any of it).
I know that they have to teach to the most common denominator, and they seem like very nice ladies, but I'll be damned if I watch him fall through the cracks because he's actually ahead of the class and is really only struggling with the concepts that have been dumbed down.
Though that's really a side rant today...Oh yes, I'm full of good things at the moment!
I enjoy a certain amount of humility in a human being. I should probably rephrase that...Well, maybe I really shouldn't, but I'm going to anyways: I hate pompous people who just know they are better than than the entire population of earth.
Seriously, I've met some pretty awful chess parents, but scholastic chess isn't big here. Why does the one parent I've met have to be an insufferable ass? What you have and how long you're willing to blather on about it doesn't make you a better person.
He asked about Alpha's work, and quickly changed the subject because it's complicated, and he didn't understand so he couldn't know it all in the conversation. I suppose that when you already know everything, there's not too much room for anything else...
I think that how a person thinks of themselves says a lot about them. Chances are, if you know with absolute certainty that you are the salt of the earth and far superior to anyone with less education or material means than yourself, you're actually just an asshole with a big paycheck and a couple of bratty kids.
My son lost his first tournament game here, and he misses his tutor and old coach. I told him something along these lines:
And that it's important to never forget where you came from. He has earned his ratings fighting tooth and nail, one slow month at a time, in a club lacking the economic ability to travel to big tournaments. He was one of the best scholastic players in the state, and he conducts himself with appreciable humility. Much like me, albeit to a far lesser extent, he knows what it's like to come from nothing, and he doesn't respect people based merely on how they feel about themselves, or how high they scored on the luck of life's draw.
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| Here. Right now. In this moment. I want so very fucking badly to just go home. |
I miss our club. And standing out there last night, listening to that man go on? I would have given damn near anything to have my son's tutor or old coach standing next to me rolling their eyes in the dark and reminiscing about the amazing ability of mankind to be so lost in their own self-absorption, that their kids will never even have a shot at being good people. Because they don't actually care about good people--they care about being better than other people.
I was good--no random thoughts took an inappropriate stroll out of my mouth...Next week I'll meet the mother. Alpha seems to think that she'll probably be far to good to speak to me. One can always hope right? Because really,
Monday, August 25, 2014
Another Rant...
I guess I'll start off with the obvious today--I'm in a foul mood with life.
I have quite had it with people who think that they own the people they hire (for reals, one step away from yelling at someone over people who aren't even our employees. Don't even get me started on what I have to say about how they're treating my husband). The exact words which come to mind are "It's called working for a living wage bitch, not indentured servitude--now fuck off before I break my promise not to assault anybody." Maybe that's why he left me at home to clean the house today...
Perhaps that's one of my biggest problems with going out into the world...I don't care what people think I am. And he's taking me to a place where, apparently, what people think of me does matter.
I don't care if you have more money than God, or you live in a cardboard box, I don't care what kind of car you drive or what brand of shoes you wear, I don't care if you went to Stanford or can't even read a book, I don't care if you could buy the county I live in, or can't afford lunch tomorrow (actually, I do kind of care about people who can't eat, but that's besides my point). I care about how you treat the other living beings you come into contact with.
Yep, I'm falling apart at the seams. And at the moment, I don't really mind. It's not even, "That time of the month" so I really have no valid excuse for hating the world today. It just seems to me that there are an inordinate amount of assholes floating around out there...
I suppose that the imminent prospect of my life turning upside down and inside out isn't making me feel more tolerant of the world in general, but damn, humanity can be a disappointing group...
I have quite had it with people who think that they own the people they hire (for reals, one step away from yelling at someone over people who aren't even our employees. Don't even get me started on what I have to say about how they're treating my husband). The exact words which come to mind are "It's called working for a living wage bitch, not indentured servitude--now fuck off before I break my promise not to assault anybody." Maybe that's why he left me at home to clean the house today...
Perhaps that's one of my biggest problems with going out into the world...I don't care what people think I am. And he's taking me to a place where, apparently, what people think of me does matter.
I don't care if you have more money than God, or you live in a cardboard box, I don't care what kind of car you drive or what brand of shoes you wear, I don't care if you went to Stanford or can't even read a book, I don't care if you could buy the county I live in, or can't afford lunch tomorrow (actually, I do kind of care about people who can't eat, but that's besides my point). I care about how you treat the other living beings you come into contact with.
Yep, I'm falling apart at the seams. And at the moment, I don't really mind. It's not even, "That time of the month" so I really have no valid excuse for hating the world today. It just seems to me that there are an inordinate amount of assholes floating around out there...
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| Finally! The perfect translation... |
I suppose that the imminent prospect of my life turning upside down and inside out isn't making me feel more tolerant of the world in general, but damn, humanity can be a disappointing group...
 |
| Uh huh. |
Friday, August 1, 2014
My Aching Head...
I know that I have comments to respond to, but I'm drowning in paperwork, and it's easier to come here and thoughtlessly complain.
Seriously, I know I'm not going to win editor of the year anytime soon, but some people take it to a whole new level of incompetence.
"Threw" means you tossed something at somebody, not walked through a door.
"Contently" is not a valid substitute for "Consistency".
Spell check is a very useful feature of any word document.
It is preferable to use the same sized font for an entire paragraph.
Use the word "an" when preceding a word that begins with a vowel.
It is important to listen to the client when formulating documents, and the documents you write should reflect the methods your client actually intends to use.Not whatever bullshit you just pulled out of your %**&*^
Professional business documents should not look like they were written by a dyslexic 12 year old.
Consistency is important--you cannot directly contradict yourself from one page to the next, and the proper spelling of a word will not change just because you started a new sentence.
For the love of all that is holy, do not substitute semicolons for commas!!!
My head hurts.
Just look at what I have become!
And please people, for the love of whatever God you believe in, check your fucking facts!! There's this miraculous invention called the internet...
Okay, more coffee and then back at it. I feel better now. I think. Maybe.
Seriously, I know I'm not going to win editor of the year anytime soon, but some people take it to a whole new level of incompetence.
"Threw" means you tossed something at somebody, not walked through a door.
"Contently" is not a valid substitute for "Consistency".
Spell check is a very useful feature of any word document.
It is preferable to use the same sized font for an entire paragraph.
Use the word "an" when preceding a word that begins with a vowel.
It is important to listen to the client when formulating documents, and the documents you write should reflect the methods your client actually intends to use.
Professional business documents should not look like they were written by a dyslexic 12 year old.
Consistency is important--you cannot directly contradict yourself from one page to the next, and the proper spelling of a word will not change just because you started a new sentence.
For the love of all that is holy, do not substitute semicolons for commas!!!
My head hurts.
 |
| Looks familiar...Except there are no spelling mistakes! |
Just look at what I have become!
 |
| I'm sure this is what I'll see should I have the misfortune of glancing in a mirror... |
And please people, for the love of whatever God you believe in, check your fucking facts!! There's this miraculous invention called the internet...
Okay, more coffee and then back at it. I feel better now. I think. Maybe.
Thursday, July 17, 2014
Sometimes I Want to Kick Him
That's putting it mildly.
He puts everything off until the last minute, which in turn not only stresses me out, it leaves me scrambling to do what I have to do, because what I have to do is always invariably linked to what he has to do.
I need a payroll summary to renew our insurance. Been asking for it since last month. Nada.
Credit card payment needed to be made. I reminded him repeatedly. It's now overdue.
There are serious issues with the contract this company wants him to sign. He's putting off dealing with it for yet another day, when everything is on a tight deadline and I'm the one who has to get it all notarized (yes, living where we do, that is a big deal).
He uses chess to avoid life and dealing with shit that needs to be dealt with. Or me. Whichever is more present at the moment.
When I bring any of it up, I'm nagging. When he does it all too late, it sucks for everyone and costs us money we don't have.
So here really soon, we're not going to have insurance.
The credit card payment is larger.
The contract thing is just a fucking nightmare.
And I'll most likely be navigating my way through various parades to get his shit notarized because he put it off to the last fucking minute.
The chess thing just pisses me off.
This slave shit is highly overrated.
The last time I did a post like this, he got pretty pissed off at me. Guess I'll find out right quick if he still reads here, huh?
He puts everything off until the last minute, which in turn not only stresses me out, it leaves me scrambling to do what I have to do, because what I have to do is always invariably linked to what he has to do.
I need a payroll summary to renew our insurance. Been asking for it since last month. Nada.
Credit card payment needed to be made. I reminded him repeatedly. It's now overdue.
There are serious issues with the contract this company wants him to sign. He's putting off dealing with it for yet another day, when everything is on a tight deadline and I'm the one who has to get it all notarized (yes, living where we do, that is a big deal).
He uses chess to avoid life and dealing with shit that needs to be dealt with. Or me. Whichever is more present at the moment.
When I bring any of it up, I'm nagging. When he does it all too late, it sucks for everyone and costs us money we don't have.
So here really soon, we're not going to have insurance.
The credit card payment is larger.
The contract thing is just a fucking nightmare.
And I'll most likely be navigating my way through various parades to get his shit notarized because he put it off to the last fucking minute.
The chess thing just pisses me off.
This slave shit is highly overrated.
 |
| It's a shame that the week's not over yet... |
Tuesday, April 8, 2014
Complaints and a Question
I still have a couple of questions left from Sarah, so I thought we would get to one of those before I start whining into my Cheerios.
"Many posts ago, you said something about Alpha making you run out to the car -naked in the snow - to get some makeup. Ummmm, where were your wacky neighbors? Do they not live close?"
Lol, valid question! Only one really lives close enough to see into our yard from his yard, and the nice thing about living somewhere where snow is suddenly a novelty, is that no one wants to go out in it. Luckily enough, I move like the wind whenproperly motivated.
As for the complaints...I will just say that every stack of utility shutoff notices can be made better by the realization that your accountant is an asshole.
I'd start smoking again if I could afford it...
"Many posts ago, you said something about Alpha making you run out to the car -naked in the snow - to get some makeup. Ummmm, where were your wacky neighbors? Do they not live close?"
Lol, valid question! Only one really lives close enough to see into our yard from his yard, and the nice thing about living somewhere where snow is suddenly a novelty, is that no one wants to go out in it. Luckily enough, I move like the wind when
As for the complaints...I will just say that every stack of utility shutoff notices can be made better by the realization that your accountant is an asshole.
I'd start smoking again if I could afford it...
Saturday, March 22, 2014
Reality: 10, lil: 0
I'm seriously about to start following my eldest child around with a bottle of hand sanitizer in public. Been sick every month this year, for fucks sake! And my car broke down yesterday, and, and, and...
In other unrelated news, I seem find myself developing an annoying sense of loneliness. I'm seeing and interacting with far more people than I am used to (yes, I do hate people, and I am also no good with them whatsoever). It sounds silly, but I think that is contributing to the feeling.
I must admit, sometimes I miss that whole "pick up the phone and give a girlfriend a call to commiserate about life" thing...It has been nearly four years since I had a friend that I could sit down to coffee with. She turned out to be a psychotic back-stabbing bitch, but I digress. Well, I would be if I actually had a point...
We didn't get our night this month, with kiddo bringing home yet anotherfucking child-born plague and all. And that's okay. But it's kind of a shame because...Well because sometimes life is so much that it takes a lot to make it fade away for a moment.
People...I'm having to interact with people because of club, and I have to say--they haven't improved with time off. I was limping my car to the mechanic's yesterday, when some idiot pulled out in front of me. I honked, and the passenger rolled down her window and started cussing me out. I deserve some kind of award for not pulling over and dragging her out of the window.
Uh huh. True colors are starting to show. Nods* this is why I can't ride across the country in a bus full of kids with their snooty-ass parents.
I want to be this guy, just 'cuz fuck you assholes
On the bright side, I won two games against kiddo the other day. Oh yea--he's gotten to the point where I wonder before every game: Will this be the last one I win, or the first in a lifetime of continuous losses? Did I mention that I won twice in a row? Poor dude, he was mad.
Oh, and, yea...Um, the book? I Did it like I was supposed to and was too chicken to hand it over. And I wrote it all on the next consecutive page. It's become one of those things where the consequences are...Eek. And the more I put it off, the worse it's going to be, but, EEK! So it's hard to be in a hurry...Especially since, well yea...It was an honest revision.
Sigh* I know what I need, and it's probably not pretty...
 |
| Uh huh |
In other unrelated news, I seem find myself developing an annoying sense of loneliness. I'm seeing and interacting with far more people than I am used to (yes, I do hate people, and I am also no good with them whatsoever). It sounds silly, but I think that is contributing to the feeling.
I must admit, sometimes I miss that whole "pick up the phone and give a girlfriend a call to commiserate about life" thing...It has been nearly four years since I had a friend that I could sit down to coffee with. She turned out to be a psychotic back-stabbing bitch, but I digress. Well, I would be if I actually had a point...
We didn't get our night this month, with kiddo bringing home yet another
People...I'm having to interact with people because of club, and I have to say--they haven't improved with time off. I was limping my car to the mechanic's yesterday, when some idiot pulled out in front of me. I honked, and the passenger rolled down her window and started cussing me out. I deserve some kind of award for not pulling over and dragging her out of the window.
Uh huh. True colors are starting to show. Nods* this is why I can't ride across the country in a bus full of kids with their snooty-ass parents.
I want to be this guy, just 'cuz fuck you assholes
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| Awesome, right? |
On the bright side, I won two games against kiddo the other day. Oh yea--he's gotten to the point where I wonder before every game: Will this be the last one I win, or the first in a lifetime of continuous losses? Did I mention that I won twice in a row? Poor dude, he was mad.
Oh, and, yea...Um, the book? I Did it like I was supposed to and was too chicken to hand it over. And I wrote it all on the next consecutive page. It's become one of those things where the consequences are...Eek. And the more I put it off, the worse it's going to be, but, EEK! So it's hard to be in a hurry...Especially since, well yea...It was an honest revision.
Sigh* I know what I need, and it's probably not pretty...
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| Words rivaled only by "Breathe"... |
Tuesday, December 10, 2013
I Don't Care How You Do This Thing We Do
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| Disclaimer duly posted |
I don't think there's anything wrong with ttwd being a game, or something that you are really serious about on the weekends, or if you live on a chain, or if you sub one day and Dom the next. I don't care if you call yourself a submissive, a slave, a Dominant, a Master, the queen of Sheba, or a friggin teddy bear.
In short, I don't care how anyone else does power exchange. I don't think that I'm better or worse than anyone else, and I don't feel that it is important how anyone else views our power exchange. I could care less where you stand on this crazy road.
The only time you are likely to see my feathers ruffle about how anyone else does ttwd, is when I feel that someone is portraying themselves and their relationship as something they are not, or walking around acting like they have all the answers and are God's gift to us lowly struggling subs who are willing to admit that, dammit, this shit isn't always easy.
Okay, so my feathers will also ruffle if I feel that I have made a reasonable effort to have a polite discussion of thoughts, and someone gets their panties in a twist and has a go at me.What can I say, I'm only human.
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| Sounds about right |
Top, bottom, submissive, slave, Dominant, Master, fucking furby, whatever--you do what you do. If I don't like it, chances are no one will ever know because I will browse on by. It's not my life, and it has not a damn thing to do with me.
This blog is about how I live power exchange, not about how I think others should experience ttwd. I write from my perspective about my struggles, triumphs, failures, growth, internal musings, and how I'm pretty sure I broke my damn toe on a chair this morning.
The difference comes in what we do with those judgements, and for the most part we keep them politely to ourselves if they are uncomplimentary. That does not mean that all blogs reside at the end of the rainbow covered comfortably in unicorn pelts.
Some people are going to come on as "More submissive than thou", others will take the approach that you're in too deep, and the relationship isn't healthy.
I try to ask myself though, "Does that person's opinion really matter?" And you know what, nine times out of ten, it doesn't.
What you see is an image from someone's mind, typed out into the public domain and frozen in time. Each "scene" you read is just that--a scene. Perhaps it was beautiful and breathtaking, or perhaps it was disturbing and uncomfortable. But we only know what we read, we only see what we are shown.
I was thinking about this after my last shower post--you got the hot and heavy main story, which was a wonderful experience for me.
Before that scene I was cranky and unwilling. After the scene and the sex and the endorphin crash, I curled up on the bed in the kind of agony that comes when your body isn't working how it should, and cried.
That's the whole picture, not just the image I wrote for you.
Yes, chances are that I will judge you in some form or fashion, but you will judge me too, and I like to think that those judgements will usually be kind.
We can only judge what we are shown though. And when it comes right down to it? I don't care how you do ttwd. I care that I am what he wants me to be.
What matters to me is how I live ttwd.
And that I'm fairly certain I did break my toe on that damn chair this morning. Yep, that matters.
Monday, December 9, 2013
Batshitcrazy
You know how sometimes you're afraid that you will go off the deep end, and then one day you do something so stupid and out of character that you just know you've finally gone and done it, then your reaction just solidifies the knowledge that you are bound for batshitcrazy and there's no hope?
Oh...You don't?
Well bear with me, I'll give you a peek.
Kiddos tournament was in the city (poor guys, they had a rough go this time), and we were due for a food shopping, so it made sense for me to go shopping at the same time.
Different stores, same chains, bigger city that I didn't want to drive in, but still--everything we needed was available there.
We go down to the city once a month for a food shopping. I do the list, I make the food decisions, I keep the tally of money spent, I stick to the budget, and I always get enough of what we need to last until the next shopping.
I'm sure you can guess what the most important item on my list is: Coffee.
I buy an average of 5 pounds a month, and yes, we drink it all.
I fucking forgot to buy coffee.
When I realized this on the highway somewhere between 100 miles from said coffee and 80 miles from home, I knew that was it--I really am destined to dementia.
My reaction only solidified my certain ticket to Batshitcrazyville:
I cried.
Not just because it royally sucks to have to buy coffee that is twice as expensive and half as good for a month, or because I have to make a trip to town just for coffee, but because I forgot it.
I forget crackers, or yoghurt, or cookies, or tortillas. I do not forget the single item that we both consume several times a day. I do not ever ever forget something as important as coffee.
I have a prepaid ticket to Batshitcrazyville. Oddly enough, he doesn't seem to think I'll use it. Me, I'm pretty sure that I'm already on the train...
Oh...You don't?
Well bear with me, I'll give you a peek.
Kiddos tournament was in the city (poor guys, they had a rough go this time), and we were due for a food shopping, so it made sense for me to go shopping at the same time.
Different stores, same chains, bigger city that I didn't want to drive in, but still--everything we needed was available there.
We go down to the city once a month for a food shopping. I do the list, I make the food decisions, I keep the tally of money spent, I stick to the budget, and I always get enough of what we need to last until the next shopping.
I'm sure you can guess what the most important item on my list is: Coffee.
I buy an average of 5 pounds a month, and yes, we drink it all.
I fucking forgot to buy coffee.
When I realized this on the highway somewhere between 100 miles from said coffee and 80 miles from home, I knew that was it--I really am destined to dementia.
My reaction only solidified my certain ticket to Batshitcrazyville:
I cried.
Not just because it royally sucks to have to buy coffee that is twice as expensive and half as good for a month, or because I have to make a trip to town just for coffee, but because I forgot it.
I forget crackers, or yoghurt, or cookies, or tortillas. I do not forget the single item that we both consume several times a day. I do not ever ever forget something as important as coffee.
I have a prepaid ticket to Batshitcrazyville. Oddly enough, he doesn't seem to think I'll use it. Me, I'm pretty sure that I'm already on the train...
Monday, September 23, 2013
Dear World...
It feels like I haven't been here in ages...It's been one of those weeks that just won't end. In fact, the calendar is telling me that it is now a whole new week. I find that doubtful because last week is still going...
I probably shouldn't complain. Alpha has steady work for a while, which is awesome, and the kids are both healthy enough to be evil.
But...
Oh where to begin? Perhaps I'll begin with complaints, and segue elegantly into other issues.
We got the car back from the mechanic this week. The car that we had lent to Thing1. To say it put me in a bad mood would be an understatement. Anything that could have been broken on it was. Door handles, front and back windshields, lights, a multitude of mechanical issues, holes in the gas tank, glove box, etc. The body is beat to shit--there's not one undamaged panel on the whole car.
And the interior. Oh. My. Fucking. God. The interior...I have never in my life cleaned something so filthy, and I have cleaned some truly awful stuff.
Car is now on the road at a painful price, and you can sit in it without cringing and feeling like you need to scrub off your skin. Though if anyone has any great ideas about how to get motor oil (or something similar??) out of upholstery, I'm all ears.
I spent a couple of days being little miss fix it. Did you know that you can rub soap on a leaking gas tank and make it home? Rather unpleasant, but quite a neat trick...
And then there's soccer and chess. Lots of it. Did I mention that my car spent the week breaking, which is what precipitated our need for the other one?
And my poor little guy has the meanest and most biased soccer coach I have ever met in my life.
There's snow on the mountains. Seriously, wasn't it just winter?!
We currently have no sex life. Apparently it's only fun to force someone who is at least moderately willing upon occasion.
Cue the music for my biggest issue of the week...
In all seriousness, I asked Alpha what he wanted from me.
And in all seriousness, he replied, "The unattainable."
Yea...It's a wonderful feeling.
I feel like that should be written in neon and broadcast across the fucking sky. It looks so small in it's tiny black print and small white page...And the irony of that feeling is not lost on me.
Know what? I gotta go crawl back under the car because the patch Alpha put on the gas tank is leaking. Probably best that Thing1 moved 1,000 miles away...
I probably shouldn't complain. Alpha has steady work for a while, which is awesome, and the kids are both healthy enough to be evil.
But...
Oh where to begin? Perhaps I'll begin with complaints, and segue elegantly into other issues.
We got the car back from the mechanic this week. The car that we had lent to Thing1. To say it put me in a bad mood would be an understatement. Anything that could have been broken on it was. Door handles, front and back windshields, lights, a multitude of mechanical issues, holes in the gas tank, glove box, etc. The body is beat to shit--there's not one undamaged panel on the whole car.
And the interior. Oh. My. Fucking. God. The interior...I have never in my life cleaned something so filthy, and I have cleaned some truly awful stuff.
Car is now on the road at a painful price, and you can sit in it without cringing and feeling like you need to scrub off your skin. Though if anyone has any great ideas about how to get motor oil (or something similar??) out of upholstery, I'm all ears.
I spent a couple of days being little miss fix it. Did you know that you can rub soap on a leaking gas tank and make it home? Rather unpleasant, but quite a neat trick...
And then there's soccer and chess. Lots of it. Did I mention that my car spent the week breaking, which is what precipitated our need for the other one?
And my poor little guy has the meanest and most biased soccer coach I have ever met in my life.
There's snow on the mountains. Seriously, wasn't it just winter?!
We currently have no sex life. Apparently it's only fun to force someone who is at least moderately willing upon occasion.
Cue the music for my biggest issue of the week...
In all seriousness, I asked Alpha what he wanted from me.
And in all seriousness, he replied, "The unattainable."
Yea...It's a wonderful feeling.
I feel like that should be written in neon and broadcast across the fucking sky. It looks so small in it's tiny black print and small white page...And the irony of that feeling is not lost on me.
Know what? I gotta go crawl back under the car because the patch Alpha put on the gas tank is leaking. Probably best that Thing1 moved 1,000 miles away...
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Wednesday, July 24, 2013
Ranty Rant Rant
I have another rant. Though this one is far less interesting. Promise.
My mother has been quite fortunate in her life. Her father set her up very well and made sure that she would never want or need. She has been poor before, but always by choice (if you knew my dad, you would know what could possibly prompt such a choice).
She received a very sizable inheritance when I was 15, and blew it all well before I turned 25. Announcing loudly along the way that such was her intention, and I would never see a penny, but I would eventually inherit the property and the house as long as I didn't push her off a cliff.
I didn't mind, I figured it was her money and she could do whatever the hell she wanted with it. Though it would have been nice if she had thought ahead a bit more for her own future.
My mother is strange about money, and still hasn't realized that I am altogether unimpressed by money or possessions. Seriously, on paper I have nothing except for two children and a stack of medical bills.
I could really care less what someone owns, and how much they do or do not have--I care about how one conducts themselves as a human being.
I don't want to struggle and starve (what lunatic does), but overall, I am really not that attached to money and possessions.
Anyways...
She had a bit of a health scare, and has decided that she wants to sell all kinds of stuff "for [her] benefit". A fact that she informed me of yesterday as I was getting into the car to leave. We aren't talking about crap like grandma's china either--think vehicles, stoves, my dad's pool table (which would seriously mean the world to my eldest. He spent the first years of his life on that table with his grandfather), possibly the house, you get the picture--important shit.
Now, I was a very low maintenance child. I moved out when I was 14, and over the course of my lifetime, I have only asked my mother for one thing--please don't sell everything.
I have never even asked her for the things my father gave away before he died (the truck he left to Alpha, that she has tried to sell numerous times comes to mind).
Every single time I object to her selling everything off, she acts like I don't care about her quality of life, and I just want what she has. It's an attitude I have no idea how to respond to, because in those moments, it seems like she doesn't know me at all. Of all the uncomplimentary things I may consider myself to be on any given day, greedy is one that has never made the list.
I'm so tempted to tell her whatever, sell it all. But when she blows through the money like water and has nothing, who's responsible for taking care of her? Last time I checked, that was the drawback to being an only child.
Don't get me wrong, I do love my mother immensely. Besides Alpha and the boys, she is the only family I have, and most days, we are great friends. But there are days when she makes me wanna trip her at the top of the stairs.
My mother has been quite fortunate in her life. Her father set her up very well and made sure that she would never want or need. She has been poor before, but always by choice (if you knew my dad, you would know what could possibly prompt such a choice).
She received a very sizable inheritance when I was 15, and blew it all well before I turned 25. Announcing loudly along the way that such was her intention, and I would never see a penny, but I would eventually inherit the property and the house as long as I didn't push her off a cliff.
I didn't mind, I figured it was her money and she could do whatever the hell she wanted with it. Though it would have been nice if she had thought ahead a bit more for her own future.
My mother is strange about money, and still hasn't realized that I am altogether unimpressed by money or possessions. Seriously, on paper I have nothing except for two children and a stack of medical bills.
I could really care less what someone owns, and how much they do or do not have--I care about how one conducts themselves as a human being.
I don't want to struggle and starve (what lunatic does), but overall, I am really not that attached to money and possessions.
Anyways...
She had a bit of a health scare, and has decided that she wants to sell all kinds of stuff "for [her] benefit". A fact that she informed me of yesterday as I was getting into the car to leave. We aren't talking about crap like grandma's china either--think vehicles, stoves, my dad's pool table (which would seriously mean the world to my eldest. He spent the first years of his life on that table with his grandfather), possibly the house, you get the picture--important shit.
Now, I was a very low maintenance child. I moved out when I was 14, and over the course of my lifetime, I have only asked my mother for one thing--please don't sell everything.
I have never even asked her for the things my father gave away before he died (the truck he left to Alpha, that she has tried to sell numerous times comes to mind).
Every single time I object to her selling everything off, she acts like I don't care about her quality of life, and I just want what she has. It's an attitude I have no idea how to respond to, because in those moments, it seems like she doesn't know me at all. Of all the uncomplimentary things I may consider myself to be on any given day, greedy is one that has never made the list.
I'm so tempted to tell her whatever, sell it all. But when she blows through the money like water and has nothing, who's responsible for taking care of her? Last time I checked, that was the drawback to being an only child.
Don't get me wrong, I do love my mother immensely. Besides Alpha and the boys, she is the only family I have, and most days, we are great friends. But there are days when she makes me wanna trip her at the top of the stairs.
Monday, July 22, 2013
The "Good" Dominant
I don't spend a whole lot of writing time talking about what I think makes a good Dominant. Mostly because this is about me and my whining submission, and I don't believe that it's my job to tell him how to do his. However, I read a couple of Tumbler posts that really made me think about "Good" Dominance.
Tumbler does not allow endless comments (damn them for that), and since it's really not my place to rant about the anonymous idiots who comment on another person's blog, here I am.
How exactly do people form the concept that to be Dominant means to have no respect for those they Dominate? Given the phrasing, I am going to go out on a very short limb and conclude that in a "few years" these particular men have gone through a number of "subs". I wonder why they never stopped to think that maybe their attitude is why they seem to be going through subs so fast...?
If you want a submissive to respect you, give her something to respect.
If you want her to do as she's told, give her a reason.
If you want to keep a submissive, you have to give her a reason to stay.
If you want her submission, inspire it!
If you want her respect, give her something to respect. If you have to constantly "Enforce" her respect, that's not really respect--that's fear.
I think that what really bothers me, is the notion that you can force someone to respect you.
Respect is a positive emotion. Respect is holding someone in high regard because they have shown themselves worthy, respect is a positive feeling of esteem for another human being.
You cannot buy it.
You cannot trade it.
You cannot force someone to feel it.
You earn it.
And, much like trust, respect is much easier lost than gained.
Force has it's place in all D/s relationships, but if it is constantly necessary, is that really D/s?
If you always have to force her to submit, if you can never be gentle for fear she will gain the upper hand, if you believe that she is not worthy of your respect and acceptance, then you aren't really a Dominant.
You're just an asshole with a superiority complex.
In fact, if a "dom" is so afraid of losing control of his sub that he has to be an asshole about it all of the time, then he doesn't have enough faith in himself, self control, or personal fortitude, to Dominate an ant.
That's not to say Dominants are never assholes. Everyone has their days. But D/s is consensual--nobody has to stay and put up with that shit every day.
Alpha wants my respect
he wants me on my knees
he wants me to please
he wants me to obey
he wants my willingness to do anything for him.
Those are not desires that can be fulfilled with force.
He behaves in a way that has earned my respect
he makes it so that I want nothing more than to be on my knees
he inspires my desire to please him
he controls in a manner that makes me want to obey
I am willing to do anything for him because he has done everything for me.
I am his because he accepts all that I am.
Tumbler does not allow endless comments (damn them for that), and since it's really not my place to rant about the anonymous idiots who comment on another person's blog, here I am.
How exactly do people form the concept that to be Dominant means to have no respect for those they Dominate? Given the phrasing, I am going to go out on a very short limb and conclude that in a "few years" these particular men have gone through a number of "subs". I wonder why they never stopped to think that maybe their attitude is why they seem to be going through subs so fast...?
If you want a submissive to respect you, give her something to respect.
If you want her to do as she's told, give her a reason.
If you want to keep a submissive, you have to give her a reason to stay.
If you want her submission, inspire it!
If you want her respect, give her something to respect. If you have to constantly "Enforce" her respect, that's not really respect--that's fear.
Respect is a positive emotion. Respect is holding someone in high regard because they have shown themselves worthy, respect is a positive feeling of esteem for another human being.
You cannot buy it.
You cannot trade it.
You cannot force someone to feel it.
You earn it.
And, much like trust, respect is much easier lost than gained.
Force has it's place in all D/s relationships, but if it is constantly necessary, is that really D/s?
If you always have to force her to submit, if you can never be gentle for fear she will gain the upper hand, if you believe that she is not worthy of your respect and acceptance, then you aren't really a Dominant.
You're just an asshole with a superiority complex.
In fact, if a "dom" is so afraid of losing control of his sub that he has to be an asshole about it all of the time, then he doesn't have enough faith in himself, self control, or personal fortitude, to Dominate an ant.
That's not to say Dominants are never assholes. Everyone has their days. But D/s is consensual--nobody has to stay and put up with that shit every day.
Alpha wants my respect
he wants me on my knees
he wants me to please
he wants me to obey
he wants my willingness to do anything for him.
Those are not desires that can be fulfilled with force.
He behaves in a way that has earned my respect
he makes it so that I want nothing more than to be on my knees
he inspires my desire to please him
he controls in a manner that makes me want to obey
I am willing to do anything for him because he has done everything for me.
I am his because he accepts all that I am.
Friday, May 17, 2013
Gremlins
Something happened to me that has never happened before. Quite honestly, I am less than thrilled about it.
I started pulling out my summer clothes and made a terrible discovery...
A bunch of
no good
rotten
awful
very bad
wicked
little gremlins
sneaked into my closet and shrank my clothing.
My husband seems to find it reasonable that 13 year old shorts no longer fit me. I do not. I mean, after all, they fit just fine last year!
See where regular exercise has gotten me? Pfft.
And that is all I have to say about that. For now. Though I'm sure this will present plenty of opportunities for future complaining.
And now I shall proceed to answering comments on my last post. If by chance I don't get to them all today, I did not forget you! I simply succumbed to laziness. Or the need to make dinner.
I started pulling out my summer clothes and made a terrible discovery...
A bunch of
no good
rotten
awful
very bad
wicked
little gremlins
sneaked into my closet and shrank my clothing.
My husband seems to find it reasonable that 13 year old shorts no longer fit me. I do not. I mean, after all, they fit just fine last year!
See where regular exercise has gotten me? Pfft.
And that is all I have to say about that. For now. Though I'm sure this will present plenty of opportunities for future complaining.
And now I shall proceed to answering comments on my last post. If by chance I don't get to them all today, I did not forget you! I simply succumbed to laziness. Or the need to make dinner.
Friday, February 15, 2013
Nothing Interesting Here
Seriously, everything worth reading is listed on the blogroll.
Don't say you weren't warned! My sense of humor seems to be lost today, if anyone finds it, I would much appreciate its return lol.
I tend to get a bit disillusioned this time of year because nearing the conclusion of another trip around the sun never seems to mean that I am actually doing anything different--I'm usually pretty much right where I was the last time around lol.
In home care-giving is trying to suck me back in...
The last time I did in home care...Well, it was pretty wretched. I was so over the moon delighted when Alpha told me to quit. Seriously, if I could do back-flips...
Then my former employer committed suicide several months after I quit.
And I said that I wouldn't do that kind of work anymore.
Because often, paid caregivers are the only thing in their life that people who require care can control. So they will exert that control to the entirety of possibility. You will see them at their very worst, and no matter how much they need the help, they will still resent your presence simply because they do need it.
And the state wants to know everything about you just short of your children's eye color.
And the job will always end in the same way whether you stick it out or quit--that person is going to die after years spent in pain, fighting against their own body's refusal to do as it should.
Yea...
I could moan about why on earth do I find myself doing the same crap I don't like to do over and over again. But that answer is pretty obvious--we take what we can get, and what we can get is largely dependent on what we are good at doing.
And it's ironic because, really, how does one get to be so good at doing things they despise?
At the moment, there seems to be no s to Alpha's D.
Because I'm too caught up
in all the things that are, or could have been.
In all the things I should have, but didn't do.
In the things I did do, that I maybe shouldn't have.
Because as another year goes by, the more things change, the more they stay the same.
Because on my son's birthday, my mom felt the need to remind me how much mine was absolutely going to suck when it rolled around. Which is okay, because I understand the sentiment--I always miss my dad more on my birthday, and I know it's hard for her because we're human, and we like to reminisce about our children's birth with the other person responsible for their creation.
And it really is okay, but I still feel that it was an unnecessary point for her to make lol.
And that, is all the good news from the happy corner today!
Don't say you weren't warned! My sense of humor seems to be lost today, if anyone finds it, I would much appreciate its return lol.
I tend to get a bit disillusioned this time of year because nearing the conclusion of another trip around the sun never seems to mean that I am actually doing anything different--I'm usually pretty much right where I was the last time around lol.
In home care-giving is trying to suck me back in...
The last time I did in home care...Well, it was pretty wretched. I was so over the moon delighted when Alpha told me to quit. Seriously, if I could do back-flips...
Then my former employer committed suicide several months after I quit.
And I said that I wouldn't do that kind of work anymore.
Because often, paid caregivers are the only thing in their life that people who require care can control. So they will exert that control to the entirety of possibility. You will see them at their very worst, and no matter how much they need the help, they will still resent your presence simply because they do need it.
And the state wants to know everything about you just short of your children's eye color.
And the job will always end in the same way whether you stick it out or quit--that person is going to die after years spent in pain, fighting against their own body's refusal to do as it should.
Yea...
I could moan about why on earth do I find myself doing the same crap I don't like to do over and over again. But that answer is pretty obvious--we take what we can get, and what we can get is largely dependent on what we are good at doing.
And it's ironic because, really, how does one get to be so good at doing things they despise?
At the moment, there seems to be no s to Alpha's D.
Because I'm too caught up
in all the things that are, or could have been.
In all the things I should have, but didn't do.
In the things I did do, that I maybe shouldn't have.
Because as another year goes by, the more things change, the more they stay the same.
Because on my son's birthday, my mom felt the need to remind me how much mine was absolutely going to suck when it rolled around. Which is okay, because I understand the sentiment--I always miss my dad more on my birthday, and I know it's hard for her because we're human, and we like to reminisce about our children's birth with the other person responsible for their creation.
And it really is okay, but I still feel that it was an unnecessary point for her to make lol.
And that, is all the good news from the happy corner today!
Monday, January 21, 2013
Some things you shouldn't do...
Waves at everyone who commented on the last post* I haven't forgotten you. I just have a chiropractic appointment at the crack of dawn...Yay!
I have decided that hibernation is a valid option for avoiding January completely. In fact, I think that we should pass a motion or something and make it mandatory.
There are some things you just shouldn't do--break up with somebody via text, kick dogs, run over small animals for fun, oh yea--and you really shouldn't fire somebody via text.
I got fired by text and didn't even know it because the text made it to my phone a week and a half after it was sent.
Did I mention that I don't text? And that I've never been fired? And that not knowing why is driving me batty?
Oh yes, I propose mandatory hibernation for the month of January.
It'll be great!
I have decided that hibernation is a valid option for avoiding January completely. In fact, I think that we should pass a motion or something and make it mandatory.
There are some things you just shouldn't do--break up with somebody via text, kick dogs, run over small animals for fun, oh yea--and you really shouldn't fire somebody via text.
I got fired by text and didn't even know it because the text made it to my phone a week and a half after it was sent.
Did I mention that I don't text? And that I've never been fired? And that not knowing why is driving me batty?
Oh yes, I propose mandatory hibernation for the month of January.
It'll be great!
Wednesday, December 26, 2012
Can we move straight on to Spring now?
This week, I have decided that life is the definition of insanity.
We spent Christmas at my moms, and the early afternoon was lovely. By late afternoon she was feeling quite ill, by evening she had proceeded into a minor breakdown and I ended up spending the night with her.
I'm worried about her health--both mental and physical.
Then after I got home, I got a call to work tomorrow, which I'm not complaining about because sadly, two days in one week is more than I have had all month. Though naturally, I seem to be getting sick for the first time in nearly a year...
And tomorrow morning, on the other side of the country, my niece has surgery to replace her pacemaker batteries and possibly one of the leads into her heart.
Did I mention that it's supposed to snow again tonight?
Isn't it Spring yet??
*Wanders off to drink copious amounts of medicine and possibly polish off a pie*
We spent Christmas at my moms, and the early afternoon was lovely. By late afternoon she was feeling quite ill, by evening she had proceeded into a minor breakdown and I ended up spending the night with her.
I'm worried about her health--both mental and physical.
Then after I got home, I got a call to work tomorrow, which I'm not complaining about because sadly, two days in one week is more than I have had all month. Though naturally, I seem to be getting sick for the first time in nearly a year...
And tomorrow morning, on the other side of the country, my niece has surgery to replace her pacemaker batteries and possibly one of the leads into her heart.
Did I mention that it's supposed to snow again tonight?
Isn't it Spring yet??
*Wanders off to drink copious amounts of medicine and possibly polish off a pie*
Monday, November 26, 2012
Family and the Choices We Make
Warning: possibly whiny and completely humorless bitching ahead.
We might not be able to choose our families, but we can damn-well choose how we deal with them.
Thing1 called me the other day...I thought she was thing2, so I picked up the phone with a pleasant "What are you up to?" Yea...It was the typical "Lets pretend everything is peachy!"
Sigh (for new readers curiosity, and those who enjoy a good train-wreck, the whole story can probably be found under the labels "family" and "rants").
I told her that I had nothing to say to her, and asked her what she wanted...She cried and hung up with avid protestations of love.
I sound unreasonably cruel right, like I'm not giving her a chance to prove she has changed?
Here's the thing--nearly 15 years of experience has taught me not to believe a word that comes out of her mouth, and I simply do not care anymore.
I love her. And yes, I always will. But love is not to be confused with caring. And a relationship cannot sustain itself on only one of the two.
Many times I chose to believe her.
I chose to drag her out of the depths of shit she got herself into time and time again; I chose to take her home when everything in her life was broken; I chose to take her kid away in the hopes that babygirl wouldn't die in some crack house; I chose to send babygirl to thing2; I chose to sit in the emergency room time and time again while thing1 went through withdrawals; I chose to spend every last dime we had to get her into the 2 year rehab she stayed in for 3 weeks; I chose to kick her out of my life and say I was done.
And yes, I did not make these choices on my own--Alpha and I made them together.
Contrary to popular belief, love does not conquer all evils.
At the core of it isn't the heroin, it isn't the meth, it isn't the abusive relationships...It's a culmination of years worth of shit, and the part of herself that always and forever refused to give the one and only thing she was asked for--truth.
And thing2 hasn't called me since I refused to speak to thing1. It makes me sad.
We have had an extremely superficial relationship since she shipped thing1 out of rehab and didn't bother to tell us for weeks. After the months of shit we went through to take babygirl and get thing1 to where she was...And we never actually talked about it.
Thing2 is great at pretending everything is okay. Me? Not so much. But her kiddo was due for heart surgery, and there are things worth putting aside differences for. So I just let it slide.
In retrospect, that was probably not the best approach.
So if she resumes calling, we will talk about it. Chances are, we will agree to disagree, and the superficial relationship we have tenuously built will fall into the ashes once again.
We all make choices. We try to make choices we can live with at the end of the day, and I wouldn't go back on the choices I have made.
Alpha teasingly told me the other day, "You would be happier if you just lowered your standards!" And while that is probably quite true, it's not going to happen--my standards are part of what makes me like who I am. So they will stay as they are.
But it is lonely sometimes.
We might not be able to choose our families, but we can damn-well choose how we deal with them.
Thing1 called me the other day...I thought she was thing2, so I picked up the phone with a pleasant "What are you up to?" Yea...It was the typical "Lets pretend everything is peachy!"
Sigh (for new readers curiosity, and those who enjoy a good train-wreck, the whole story can probably be found under the labels "family" and "rants").
I told her that I had nothing to say to her, and asked her what she wanted...She cried and hung up with avid protestations of love.
I sound unreasonably cruel right, like I'm not giving her a chance to prove she has changed?
Here's the thing--nearly 15 years of experience has taught me not to believe a word that comes out of her mouth, and I simply do not care anymore.
I love her. And yes, I always will. But love is not to be confused with caring. And a relationship cannot sustain itself on only one of the two.
Many times I chose to believe her.
I chose to drag her out of the depths of shit she got herself into time and time again; I chose to take her home when everything in her life was broken; I chose to take her kid away in the hopes that babygirl wouldn't die in some crack house; I chose to send babygirl to thing2; I chose to sit in the emergency room time and time again while thing1 went through withdrawals; I chose to spend every last dime we had to get her into the 2 year rehab she stayed in for 3 weeks; I chose to kick her out of my life and say I was done.
And yes, I did not make these choices on my own--Alpha and I made them together.
Contrary to popular belief, love does not conquer all evils.
At the core of it isn't the heroin, it isn't the meth, it isn't the abusive relationships...It's a culmination of years worth of shit, and the part of herself that always and forever refused to give the one and only thing she was asked for--truth.
And thing2 hasn't called me since I refused to speak to thing1. It makes me sad.
We have had an extremely superficial relationship since she shipped thing1 out of rehab and didn't bother to tell us for weeks. After the months of shit we went through to take babygirl and get thing1 to where she was...And we never actually talked about it.
Thing2 is great at pretending everything is okay. Me? Not so much. But her kiddo was due for heart surgery, and there are things worth putting aside differences for. So I just let it slide.
In retrospect, that was probably not the best approach.
So if she resumes calling, we will talk about it. Chances are, we will agree to disagree, and the superficial relationship we have tenuously built will fall into the ashes once again.
We all make choices. We try to make choices we can live with at the end of the day, and I wouldn't go back on the choices I have made.
Alpha teasingly told me the other day, "You would be happier if you just lowered your standards!" And while that is probably quite true, it's not going to happen--my standards are part of what makes me like who I am. So they will stay as they are.
But it is lonely sometimes.
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