With each strike, I saw my defiance reflected in your eyes. And with the pain, I felt that maniacal laughter that falls somewhere between yield and refusal.
As the blows crept across my thighs, falling anywhere within your reach, I saw your silent plea for acquiescence. That you felt it had been enough and were receiving no satisfaction from my pain.
Yet still I refused to obey. Wondering somewhere in my mind where the line is when cracks form.
I felt the tears from unbidden in my eyes. Distantly wondering why now, why now should pain cause tears? Realizing from outside myself that, while I have been disciplined to tears in the past, the tears were always born of your disappointment and my repentance.
And in that moment, there was nothing. No thoughts, no echoing of my own unspoken words echoing in my mind. Just...Silence.
Perhaps things would have gone differently had I accepted the silent invitation to sit at your feet. Instead I had ignored the flicker of your eyes, and sat screaming inside my mind for want of blind need.
You gained my acquiescence. The pain faded, yet the tears continued to fall. Knowing inside, that it is what it is because I am what I am.
Or perhaps, I am what I am because it is what it is.
You asked me to speak my mind, and I wondered how it is possible to scream words silently over and over in my mind...And have no words roll off my tongue.
When I had completed the task you had set me and you grabbed me by the hair, shoving your cock down my throat, I reveled in the feeling of your hand entwined in my hair, forcing me into that which I longed to do.
I know you realized the extent of your control over me long before I did. I know it was where you planned to take us all along. But I wonder...Do you realize how badly I have grown to need that control?
In bed later, I resisted the melting of my bones as you buried yourself inside me, and wrapped your hands around my throat.
I cried. Saying that I had lost my place and didn't know where I belonged. You whispered sweetly that I belonged right here. With you.
You paused, commanding me to relax.
My body and mind melted under your touch as I surrendered to all that we are.
In the end, you asked me to once again speak my mind. And the words, the only words I had and knew, came pouring out, "I don't know how to be happy anymore if I can't feel your control. I need to be at your feet."
Drifting off to sleep with your fingers wound in my hair, I knew peace. Because you have allowed me to take my place at your feet.
And it is what it is because I am what I am.
Showing posts with label i know my place is at your feet. Show all posts
Showing posts with label i know my place is at your feet. Show all posts
Sunday, November 18, 2012
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Love and Correction
I felt like crap. I had been apologetically pissy all day. I knew it, he knew it, and I was trying really hard to be nice.
He tucked me under a blanket on the couch, made me a lovely cup of tea, kissed my forehead, and informed me that, regarding our spat last week, he hates it when I get pissy over him giving other things attention.
That he could be wrong, but it feels like my attitude is topping from the bottom--I have a little temper tantrum to get my way like the kid (ouch). He informed me that it won't get me what I want, and he won't put up with it.
Love is awesome.
I don't think that I have ever felt so freakin bashful in my life.
He tucked me under a blanket on the couch, made me a lovely cup of tea, kissed my forehead, and informed me that, regarding our spat last week, he hates it when I get pissy over him giving other things attention.
That he could be wrong, but it feels like my attitude is topping from the bottom--I have a little temper tantrum to get my way like the kid (ouch). He informed me that it won't get me what I want, and he won't put up with it.
Love is awesome.
I don't think that I have ever felt so freakin bashful in my life.
Monday, November 14, 2011
My Place in Our Space
Forty swats with the riding crop and I was done. Melted. Placed squarely back...in my place. Begging to know how to be where I belong and how I had gotten so far away from it in the first place.
Alpha's firm voice floating in my ears. Informing me that the answers I seek are simple. That the solution is a basic concept. "All you have to do is accept who and what you are."
He had offered to stop at twenty-two. And that insane woman who resides in my head chose to whisper "I can take more Master." We both knew that I needed to go beyond where I thought I could. So He picked the riding crop up again. As He brought it down across my ass, He said, "you need this don't you. It's not just a want. You need submission with all your being. This is who you are." Smack! "Yes Master."
And it is a need. Some deep part of my being that cannot be denied. Much like the Dominance in Him, it comes from the core of my being. Undeniable, unavoidable, no longer a want, but an acknowledged need. A huge part of me and who I am. Submission is in my bones, it flows through my veins.
He later told me "you think the simplest things are most complicated and the most complicated the simplest" (??). He wasn't interested in providing an explanation for the statement. Because, as He said, "I think you should spend some time thinking about it."
We moved to the couch and He asked me why I am so afraid of accepting who and what I am.
The truth is, I am afraid of who I am and what I will become when I let go. What I will be if I accept it. And that maybe He won't love me so much.
He knows it too. Gently tilting my face up towards His He said quietly, "it's okay to accept who and what you are little one. You can want anything. Because you are mine--and I will decide whether or not you get it."
Alpha's firm voice floating in my ears. Informing me that the answers I seek are simple. That the solution is a basic concept. "All you have to do is accept who and what you are."
He had offered to stop at twenty-two. And that insane woman who resides in my head chose to whisper "I can take more Master." We both knew that I needed to go beyond where I thought I could. So He picked the riding crop up again. As He brought it down across my ass, He said, "you need this don't you. It's not just a want. You need submission with all your being. This is who you are." Smack! "Yes Master."
And it is a need. Some deep part of my being that cannot be denied. Much like the Dominance in Him, it comes from the core of my being. Undeniable, unavoidable, no longer a want, but an acknowledged need. A huge part of me and who I am. Submission is in my bones, it flows through my veins.
He later told me "you think the simplest things are most complicated and the most complicated the simplest" (??). He wasn't interested in providing an explanation for the statement. Because, as He said, "I think you should spend some time thinking about it."
We moved to the couch and He asked me why I am so afraid of accepting who and what I am.
The truth is, I am afraid of who I am and what I will become when I let go. What I will be if I accept it. And that maybe He won't love me so much.
He knows it too. Gently tilting my face up towards His He said quietly, "it's okay to accept who and what you are little one. You can want anything. Because you are mine--and I will decide whether or not you get it."
Sunday, August 28, 2011
My Place
Alpha doesn't like it when I get off track and can't seem to get back in my place. And I should have known I was headed for one of those funky "off" cycles. After all, I did have a bit of a breakthrough...Then I gave notice at my job and life got even more insane than usual.
He will let me wander a bit and wait for me to come around with gentle reminders. But it's hard for me to get back in my place. And He's taken it pretty easy on me since the accident (pain is apparently only fun if He is actively causing it. The whole "omg, something locked up and I can't turn my head" thing is a real downer for face fucking and a multitude of other crimes lol).
Alpha isn't happy when I'm not in my place. And truth be told, I'm not either. When I am secure in submission, held firmly by His Dominance, is when I am at my best. The most happy, stable, safe...complete. But for some reason it's difficult to get back to that place, the place where my submission comes before all other thoughts and actions, where our natural states consume us and we are simply Master and sub.
For a while He will softly summon me back. If that doesn't work? The rose He has extended grows thorns. And He makes me grab it, squeeze until there's nothing left in my mind besides Him, until the only pain that matters is the kind He causes, until every breath I take is His once again.
And I am back where I belong. At home in my place.
He will let me wander a bit and wait for me to come around with gentle reminders. But it's hard for me to get back in my place. And He's taken it pretty easy on me since the accident (pain is apparently only fun if He is actively causing it. The whole "omg, something locked up and I can't turn my head" thing is a real downer for face fucking and a multitude of other crimes lol).
Alpha isn't happy when I'm not in my place. And truth be told, I'm not either. When I am secure in submission, held firmly by His Dominance, is when I am at my best. The most happy, stable, safe...complete. But for some reason it's difficult to get back to that place, the place where my submission comes before all other thoughts and actions, where our natural states consume us and we are simply Master and sub.
For a while He will softly summon me back. If that doesn't work? The rose He has extended grows thorns. And He makes me grab it, squeeze until there's nothing left in my mind besides Him, until the only pain that matters is the kind He causes, until every breath I take is His once again.
And I am back where I belong. At home in my place.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Who makes the Banana Bread?
Ironically, I was talking about cooking the other day, and what got me in trouble? Cooking.
He wanted banana bread. I didn't want to make it. We horsed around on the couch for a minute...And I knew that I should go make it. Then, the most insane words came out of my mouth, "we don't have the kind of relationship where I make the banana bread! You can make banana bread too!"
As I said it, I felt as if I was staring incredulously at myself saying "WTF?!"
And that particular look spread across His face...The one that says "you are in such deep shit. I cannot believe those words came out of your mouth!" In all fairness, I was just as stunned as He.
None of the earth shattering things He could have done in that moment occured besides that look getting considerably closer in an amazingly fast manner. But the stupid floor still dropped out from under me--I started to giggle. And then I started to cry. He kissed me. And I made banana bread.
We have the kind of relationship where I make the banana bread.
And I wouldn't have it any other way.
He wanted banana bread. I didn't want to make it. We horsed around on the couch for a minute...And I knew that I should go make it. Then, the most insane words came out of my mouth, "we don't have the kind of relationship where I make the banana bread! You can make banana bread too!"
As I said it, I felt as if I was staring incredulously at myself saying "WTF?!"
And that particular look spread across His face...The one that says "you are in such deep shit. I cannot believe those words came out of your mouth!" In all fairness, I was just as stunned as He.
None of the earth shattering things He could have done in that moment occured besides that look getting considerably closer in an amazingly fast manner. But the stupid floor still dropped out from under me--I started to giggle. And then I started to cry. He kissed me. And I made banana bread.
We have the kind of relationship where I make the banana bread.
And I wouldn't have it any other way.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
This sub's rightful place
That space He keeps for me in His heart, that place I sit at his feet--it's mine. Yea, yea, I know who's gonna fuck whoever they want, who owns who, and who's in charge around here, and that it's not me. Holy shit, to many repeats of one word...I may have had a bit too much coffee...
But that place at His feet, my rightful place, that particular look in His eyes--I know that it's mine. And mine alone. My place is serving Him (let's just go ahead and forget for the moment that I really suck at service). When I'm off kilter, one step out of my place, that connection and intimacy we have is muted. My jealous tendencies rise to the surface, and we are not in sync like we should be.
And I crave that connection. It is possible to live and love without it, but once you have had it, I don't think that there's any going happily back to the way things used to be. It's that intimacy created by ttwd, the births of our children, the deaths of our loved ones, that I crave so deeply. It is most often solidified by the expression of D/s.
It can be kind of scary, when your body is at the mercy of another, your mind malleable, your soul exposed. That closeness in which nothing can remain hidden and all things hidden see the light of His eyes. Because perfection in humanity is a myth (of course, that minor little fact isn't going to keep me from striving for it lol). And when someone else's opinion becomes so valued, it's hard to expose the scars, show the imperfections, accept the mistakes. But there, in the moment, is where imperfection has a beauty of it's own. Because to be seen clearly through and through, yet still be loved for what you are, is an incredible experience.
I have stepped outside of my place over the last couple of weeks and Alpha asked me to come back because He misses me and doesn't like it when I'm here yet far away.
But it's my rightful place. That space He holds just for me. And as much as I am His and I need Him, He is mine and He needs me too. Individually we are strong, together we are unconquerable.
That place at His feet and that look in His eyes? That is mine for all time.
But that place at His feet, my rightful place, that particular look in His eyes--I know that it's mine. And mine alone. My place is serving Him (let's just go ahead and forget for the moment that I really suck at service). When I'm off kilter, one step out of my place, that connection and intimacy we have is muted. My jealous tendencies rise to the surface, and we are not in sync like we should be.
And I crave that connection. It is possible to live and love without it, but once you have had it, I don't think that there's any going happily back to the way things used to be. It's that intimacy created by ttwd, the births of our children, the deaths of our loved ones, that I crave so deeply. It is most often solidified by the expression of D/s.
It can be kind of scary, when your body is at the mercy of another, your mind malleable, your soul exposed. That closeness in which nothing can remain hidden and all things hidden see the light of His eyes. Because perfection in humanity is a myth (of course, that minor little fact isn't going to keep me from striving for it lol). And when someone else's opinion becomes so valued, it's hard to expose the scars, show the imperfections, accept the mistakes. But there, in the moment, is where imperfection has a beauty of it's own. Because to be seen clearly through and through, yet still be loved for what you are, is an incredible experience.
I have stepped outside of my place over the last couple of weeks and Alpha asked me to come back because He misses me and doesn't like it when I'm here yet far away.
But it's my rightful place. That space He holds just for me. And as much as I am His and I need Him, He is mine and He needs me too. Individually we are strong, together we are unconquerable.
That place at His feet and that look in His eyes? That is mine for all time.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Filtering and fried fuses
Alpha asked me last night, what my blog would be like if He didn't read it, how much I filter myself knowing that He is going to read every word I write. My firs response was denial--it would be the same. Then I thought about it for a minute, and it really wouldn't be the same. It would probably be even less entertaining than it is now. Full of worries about Him and everything else. But mostly there would be a lot more worry about Him. Why do I filter myself when it comes to that? Because He's the only rock I have and I feel like that's a two way street. No one wants to get up every morning and read pages of drivel containing fears and concerns about their well-being.
So I guess I do filter myself sometimes because I know He is going to read it. Just not, perhaps, in the ways He may have thought.
The original question was prompted by the fact that He went blog browsing yesterday and it's a crazy world out here. Depending on where you end up, it can be just as conducive to cynicism as fetlife at it's worst. At first I thought, "damn, I'm losing my morning coffee spot but alright." Then I started thinking, crap, why do subs (completely pointing the finger away from myself tyvm), always write about bad things like soap as lube and scenes that go five steps beyond where I'm at? I mean, it's really a breeding ground for catching bad ideas out here lol.
On a completely unrelated note, I was out of sync yesterday. It wasn't a bad day, I was just...off. And I didn't come out of it until around 11 PM. By then it was to late to do any good lol. Passing out at one, I was woken by the little guy at 1:30, 2:00, 2:30,3;00, you get the picture. And my currently least favorite sil, decided it would be a good idea to call at 8:00 this morning. She's leaving today and wants to play happy family for the afternoon. I just wanted sleep lol.
I have been thinking about the difference between possessiveness and jealousy. Possessive is secure and mostly sane, it doesn't come with unwelcome emotions that are horribly difficult to control. It is about Knowing something belongs to you and being secure and confidant in that belief. Jealousy is insecurity at it's best. I comes with all sorts of horrid emotions and confusion. I have a bad case of both (I don't care if people think that makes sense or not). Alpha, well, He's just possessive and it works quite well for him.
Anyways, I'm not sure why I was so off kilter yesterday. Maybe it was because I'm worried about tomorrow. Though, Alpha pointed out that any day we talk about Him fucking another woman, I generally have a bad day. He said that the biggest reason He hasn't already done it is because He doesn't want to hurt me, or us, or our dynamic. Which I do appreciate. He also seems to think my fuses are easily fried. He said He's afraid I'll blow one and it might be irreparable. And at the time, I did feel like my wires were running a little hot (not in a good way). It's funny (well, not really but, why not), how He can say something, and what He says He means and what I hear are not the same thing. He said that He was afraid to bring home the "sweet cute little checkout girl" because I was "mean and horrible and might make her go commit suicide" (see, special effort not to filter just because I know You're going to glare at me). Now, sentences like that don't sit well on my mental scales to say the least. He went on to say that He didn't mean I was a horrible person (ahem, repeats previous sentence ten time in my head*), but that I had a tendency to share my displeasure freely (well, that's not the exact words He used, but I remembered the other ones just fine lol).
Of course, it didn't help that the whole conversation occurred after He had teased me that I should go out and chop up all the wood because I "need the exercise anyways." Wtf...I was going to say the exercise bit myself actually, but it was way different because He said it. Which of course He just had to point out afterward lol. It's kind of odd how how He can tease me all day long and it kind of just rolls off. But as soon as He touches on one of my insecurities, everything changes.
Long story short, He reeled me back into my place by talking to me for half an hour and then we watched a sci-fi movie with poor plot. All in all, it really was a pretty good day and it ended good too. Well, except for that whole, up every half hour all night long bit lol.
So I guess I do filter myself sometimes because I know He is going to read it. Just not, perhaps, in the ways He may have thought.
The original question was prompted by the fact that He went blog browsing yesterday and it's a crazy world out here. Depending on where you end up, it can be just as conducive to cynicism as fetlife at it's worst. At first I thought, "damn, I'm losing my morning coffee spot but alright." Then I started thinking, crap, why do subs (completely pointing the finger away from myself tyvm), always write about bad things like soap as lube and scenes that go five steps beyond where I'm at? I mean, it's really a breeding ground for catching bad ideas out here lol.
On a completely unrelated note, I was out of sync yesterday. It wasn't a bad day, I was just...off. And I didn't come out of it until around 11 PM. By then it was to late to do any good lol. Passing out at one, I was woken by the little guy at 1:30, 2:00, 2:30,3;00, you get the picture. And my currently least favorite sil, decided it would be a good idea to call at 8:00 this morning. She's leaving today and wants to play happy family for the afternoon. I just wanted sleep lol.
I have been thinking about the difference between possessiveness and jealousy. Possessive is secure and mostly sane, it doesn't come with unwelcome emotions that are horribly difficult to control. It is about Knowing something belongs to you and being secure and confidant in that belief. Jealousy is insecurity at it's best. I comes with all sorts of horrid emotions and confusion. I have a bad case of both (I don't care if people think that makes sense or not). Alpha, well, He's just possessive and it works quite well for him.
Anyways, I'm not sure why I was so off kilter yesterday. Maybe it was because I'm worried about tomorrow. Though, Alpha pointed out that any day we talk about Him fucking another woman, I generally have a bad day. He said that the biggest reason He hasn't already done it is because He doesn't want to hurt me, or us, or our dynamic. Which I do appreciate. He also seems to think my fuses are easily fried. He said He's afraid I'll blow one and it might be irreparable. And at the time, I did feel like my wires were running a little hot (not in a good way). It's funny (well, not really but, why not), how He can say something, and what He says He means and what I hear are not the same thing. He said that He was afraid to bring home the "sweet cute little checkout girl" because I was "mean and horrible and might make her go commit suicide" (see, special effort not to filter just because I know You're going to glare at me). Now, sentences like that don't sit well on my mental scales to say the least. He went on to say that He didn't mean I was a horrible person (ahem, repeats previous sentence ten time in my head*), but that I had a tendency to share my displeasure freely (well, that's not the exact words He used, but I remembered the other ones just fine lol).
Of course, it didn't help that the whole conversation occurred after He had teased me that I should go out and chop up all the wood because I "need the exercise anyways." Wtf...I was going to say the exercise bit myself actually, but it was way different because He said it. Which of course He just had to point out afterward lol. It's kind of odd how how He can tease me all day long and it kind of just rolls off. But as soon as He touches on one of my insecurities, everything changes.
Long story short, He reeled me back into my place by talking to me for half an hour and then we watched a sci-fi movie with poor plot. All in all, it really was a pretty good day and it ended good too. Well, except for that whole, up every half hour all night long bit lol.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Regarding deletion: Letter to Alpha
My love,
We got to this place where I realized all my cards had to be face-up on Your table. I give You what is expected by both You and I--truth. Always. Now the drawback is that You carry so many of my burdens. That some burdens, my worst fears and nightmares about Your well-being--those should not be yours to carry. Some nightmares and moments in time are just fears to work through. Dark moments in time to be deleted and lost.
I know that here, in internet land, is where you expect the most transparency from me. And you have it. I know you view me writing and erasing before you read something to be breaking the rules. I didn't hide it. And I am prepared to accept the consequences of my actions as you see fit. I have mentioned deletion in posts, I left the nice comment asking about it. Because I'm not hiding things from you. Every account, every password, access to everything I write. Because my cards are all face up on your table.
I'm just saying that you comfort my fears enough. Sometimes I need a place to let them out. Read them and throw them at the words feet for a moments time. My way of working past my worst fears. Because some bad dreams are wicked little things.
We got to this place where I realized all my cards had to be face-up on Your table. I give You what is expected by both You and I--truth. Always. Now the drawback is that You carry so many of my burdens. That some burdens, my worst fears and nightmares about Your well-being--those should not be yours to carry. Some nightmares and moments in time are just fears to work through. Dark moments in time to be deleted and lost.
I know that here, in internet land, is where you expect the most transparency from me. And you have it. I know you view me writing and erasing before you read something to be breaking the rules. I didn't hide it. And I am prepared to accept the consequences of my actions as you see fit. I have mentioned deletion in posts, I left the nice comment asking about it. Because I'm not hiding things from you. Every account, every password, access to everything I write. Because my cards are all face up on your table.
I'm just saying that you comfort my fears enough. Sometimes I need a place to let them out. Read them and throw them at the words feet for a moments time. My way of working past my worst fears. Because some bad dreams are wicked little things.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
The squashed revolution and viewing myself as property
Before I start climbing the bitch ladder lol, I would like to say something about respect--It's a necessary component of any relationship. And I respect Alpha more than any other human being on the face of this planet. I don't know if that means more or less given that the list of people I actually respect is very short...Anyways, back to that ladder.
I didn't want to. I was tired, my back hurt, I was feeling sluggish and cranky. I Really didn't want to. So I decided to stage my own personal little revolution in a completely diplomatic and respectful manner. Translation: "I don't want to." Alpha shot a raised eyebrow in my direction. The kind that is inviting me to dig myself in deeper and if I'm wise I'll shut up right there. I was not feeling wise. "I don't want to and I will not!" Predictably, there came the hand around my throat depriving me of oxygen and offering a very good excuse to shut the fuck up. "Fuck you! I don't want to do this anymore!" I wheezed offering Him the universal symbol of love with both hands. His grip tightened. Then He let go giving me something that was a mix between a derisive snort and an all-out laugh. We both know if He said "okay, you are no longer owned and we are not doing this anymore," that I would shit (figuratively) and come crawling back begging (literally) to be owned and Dominated once again.
When we made it to bed, I still damn well didn't want to. "Do you know what time it is?" He gave me that infuriating grin. "Yes I do, it's time for you to service the account" translation--you're going to suck my dick. I glared at Him and bit and bitched. I was never going to get any of my beloved sleep if I kept the revolution alive so I let it die. And I sucked. And fucked. At some point (see, the haziness is kicking in), I admitted that I have a hard time viewing myself as property. He has this thing where He makes me look Him in the eye while we are having sex. Particularly if we are having a discussion (usually with only one side making sense. And it's not me). He used my hair like a handle and turned my head making me look straight in His eyes. It's almost mentally painful because His look becomes so intense it's difficult not to just squeeze my eyes shut. But even if I do, I can still feel Him looking...Back on point, His reply was immediate "why should you have a hard time viewing yourself as My property, can anyone else do the things I do to you, could anyone else make you shit and piss the bed before you get out of bed in the morning if they wanted to [at this point it's almost a threat, my only consolation is that I know He gets off on controlling my bodily fluids and scat's not a big area of interest], I could make you piss yourself right now if I wanted to." Point taken.
Which leads me to something that I have been thinking about ever since I got in trouble for not eating dinner--taking care of me and viewing myself as property. I try my best to take care of anything and anyone I perceive as being His. From His health and house, to His employees and small possessions. But not myself...To the extent that He has made rules about basic things from brushing my teeth and eating properly to making me get and keep appointments with chiropractors and dentists. If I take a step outside my personal perception, it seems a bit ridiculous--I mean, how sad is it, as a full grown woman, to need rules surrounding basic care of myself?
So I would like to work on that more. Viewing myself as His property. How I care for myself being a good reflection on Him. And I wonder why, since I am so obviously happily and unavoidably owned, is it so difficult for me to perceive myself as property?
I didn't want to. I was tired, my back hurt, I was feeling sluggish and cranky. I Really didn't want to. So I decided to stage my own personal little revolution in a completely diplomatic and respectful manner. Translation: "I don't want to." Alpha shot a raised eyebrow in my direction. The kind that is inviting me to dig myself in deeper and if I'm wise I'll shut up right there. I was not feeling wise. "I don't want to and I will not!" Predictably, there came the hand around my throat depriving me of oxygen and offering a very good excuse to shut the fuck up. "Fuck you! I don't want to do this anymore!" I wheezed offering Him the universal symbol of love with both hands. His grip tightened. Then He let go giving me something that was a mix between a derisive snort and an all-out laugh. We both know if He said "okay, you are no longer owned and we are not doing this anymore," that I would shit (figuratively) and come crawling back begging (literally) to be owned and Dominated once again.
When we made it to bed, I still damn well didn't want to. "Do you know what time it is?" He gave me that infuriating grin. "Yes I do, it's time for you to service the account" translation--you're going to suck my dick. I glared at Him and bit and bitched. I was never going to get any of my beloved sleep if I kept the revolution alive so I let it die. And I sucked. And fucked. At some point (see, the haziness is kicking in), I admitted that I have a hard time viewing myself as property. He has this thing where He makes me look Him in the eye while we are having sex. Particularly if we are having a discussion (usually with only one side making sense. And it's not me). He used my hair like a handle and turned my head making me look straight in His eyes. It's almost mentally painful because His look becomes so intense it's difficult not to just squeeze my eyes shut. But even if I do, I can still feel Him looking...Back on point, His reply was immediate "why should you have a hard time viewing yourself as My property, can anyone else do the things I do to you, could anyone else make you shit and piss the bed before you get out of bed in the morning if they wanted to [at this point it's almost a threat, my only consolation is that I know He gets off on controlling my bodily fluids and scat's not a big area of interest], I could make you piss yourself right now if I wanted to." Point taken.
Which leads me to something that I have been thinking about ever since I got in trouble for not eating dinner--taking care of me and viewing myself as property. I try my best to take care of anything and anyone I perceive as being His. From His health and house, to His employees and small possessions. But not myself...To the extent that He has made rules about basic things from brushing my teeth and eating properly to making me get and keep appointments with chiropractors and dentists. If I take a step outside my personal perception, it seems a bit ridiculous--I mean, how sad is it, as a full grown woman, to need rules surrounding basic care of myself?
So I would like to work on that more. Viewing myself as His property. How I care for myself being a good reflection on Him. And I wonder why, since I am so obviously happily and unavoidably owned, is it so difficult for me to perceive myself as property?
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Another shift
Sometimes I go through periods of being obstinate and out of sorts right before another shift (totally stole use of the word "shift" from greengirl "whatiwonder" over on the right). I started noticing it last night. Ironically, we were kind of out of kilter at the time. I used to only notice shifts in my submission or our dynamic after they happened; one of those hindsight is always 20/20 things. Dammit, this was all so clear in my head as I was passing out last night lol. Maybe it was going to work with the words "slut, whore, mine" written all over my thighs (denim seems to make permanent marker wear off fairly well btw lol. A bit less hazardous than varnish remover), that made me focus on things more.
I love Alpha's control. And for some reason, I fight it most objectionable right before I realize that I want more and begin wishing He would push it further, exercise more control (yea, shit like that always leads too those "wtf have I done" moments). I love when He causes me pain and talks me through it, tells me how to take it, speaks kindly and firmly while doing brutal things to my body. I have often wondered why being talked to like that has such a deep impact and changes the experience so completely...
I spent a lot of time repressing my inner slut which in turn repressed me sexually. A lot. I still do keep it locked down somewhat. I love the way I feel when I don't. I enjoy feeling sensual and sexual and, well, not repressed lol. But I'm still afraid of what happens when I just let go. Because it shows in my interactions with the outside world. And in all truth, my past actions earned some of the terms of "endearment" He uses with me. So, for example, I go out of my way not to notice men I find attractive. Which overall I think has increased my issues with jealousy of other women because I deny that it's a human trait to find members of the opposite sex attractive. At the same time, I wonder when the fuck I began finding myself looking at certain men, laughing, and thinking "I would chew you up and spit you out..."
And the denial, it's no good. Alpha gets off making me admit that I want to be used, have all my holes filled at once, be fucked like the dirty whore I have spent so much time denying. He makes me admit it to Him. And I wonder, why sometimes still, do I have such a difficult time admitting it to myself and just accepting and being it?
Another shift is happening. I feel the abyss calling, whispering, saying it's time to take another leap further in. Willingly give Alpha a little bit more, take another step out of my "little box" and let Him finally crush it all the way so there's no going back in. Accept that I have no limits besides the ones He sets because I trust Him and what He chooses. Completely.
So much for clarity lol.
I love Alpha's control. And for some reason, I fight it most objectionable right before I realize that I want more and begin wishing He would push it further, exercise more control (yea, shit like that always leads too those "wtf have I done" moments). I love when He causes me pain and talks me through it, tells me how to take it, speaks kindly and firmly while doing brutal things to my body. I have often wondered why being talked to like that has such a deep impact and changes the experience so completely...
I spent a lot of time repressing my inner slut which in turn repressed me sexually. A lot. I still do keep it locked down somewhat. I love the way I feel when I don't. I enjoy feeling sensual and sexual and, well, not repressed lol. But I'm still afraid of what happens when I just let go. Because it shows in my interactions with the outside world. And in all truth, my past actions earned some of the terms of "endearment" He uses with me. So, for example, I go out of my way not to notice men I find attractive. Which overall I think has increased my issues with jealousy of other women because I deny that it's a human trait to find members of the opposite sex attractive. At the same time, I wonder when the fuck I began finding myself looking at certain men, laughing, and thinking "I would chew you up and spit you out..."
And the denial, it's no good. Alpha gets off making me admit that I want to be used, have all my holes filled at once, be fucked like the dirty whore I have spent so much time denying. He makes me admit it to Him. And I wonder, why sometimes still, do I have such a difficult time admitting it to myself and just accepting and being it?
Another shift is happening. I feel the abyss calling, whispering, saying it's time to take another leap further in. Willingly give Alpha a little bit more, take another step out of my "little box" and let Him finally crush it all the way so there's no going back in. Accept that I have no limits besides the ones He sets because I trust Him and what He chooses. Completely.
So much for clarity lol.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Stop...
Bring me up short
make me...
stop
take a moment
breathe a breath
climb inside my head
hear the words unsaid.
i know i'm fighting you
yet i don't know why.
i love you
i need you
to whip me until i cry
to erase all else from my mind
take another step into the abyss.
Is it blind faith that leads us along,
is it dreams that make us strong?
Don't bitch and snap at me
take a moment
make me
stop
bring this vicious little circle to a halt
help me go
down
down
down...
to that place where nothing exists
except for you
and me
that place where you become a part of me
and i live only for you.
Sometimes i run and hide
from the things inside those doors you opened in my mind.
Last night i curled up to your back
and i cried because i realized that
i truly do live for you and i never want to lose you.
Every adult experience i have had,
every dream i can conceive of,
every moment of my life
is what it is because i am your wife
You are my strength
my dreams
my peace.
Somewhere along the way
you became my reason for being.
Here's to a new year.
i love you Master.
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Uumm...
A riding crop...What ever was i thinking buying that vicious little instrument that must have been created in hell? i mean seriously, anyone who uses that on a horse is just mean lol. i underestimated it...i tried to say i thought i had made a terrible mistake and it should be returned to Santa. By then it was to late though. He had already discovered that it had flex and could easily be used on my entire body. He refused to send it back to Santa in exchange for a less evil implement.
Merry Christmas and holy shit that hurts! Okay, well maybe i like it just a little bit...
Merry Christmas and holy shit that hurts! Okay, well maybe i like it just a little bit...
Friday, December 24, 2010
Why?
Now, why would a no-longer-masochistic sub (i swear i'm not, He swears i am. It's a matter of contention), buy her Master implements of torment to torture her with? i keep asking myself this question. i am sure come tomorrow night, after He gets a chance to experiment with His new toys, i will just settle on the obvious answer--i'm completely nuts and secretly hate myself. For now though (since He doesn't actually have them in His possession), i can say "because He wanted them."
Thursday, December 16, 2010
ooh
i don't remember exactly what i was saying. i was mouthing off about something. Next thing i knew, my feet had been swept out from under me and i was on my back on the floor, hands above my head with His knee in my chest. "Next time you're having diarrhea of the mouth little one, you should really just shut up."
Saturday, December 4, 2010
When the brain says "STOP!" and the mouth keeps speaking...
Okay, so the funny thing about being submissive is you're not the one who gets to choose when to submit. Imagine that lol. i have been terribly mouthy today. The kind of mouthy where i'm talking, and my brain says "shut up!" as His eyebrows lower and my mouth, well it just keeps on moving. i'm an attention whore. i know it and i'm not to bad at controlling it a fair amount of the time. i know it's not M's fault we hardly ever see each other and He's working on my day off. He's just doing what He has to. i have no doubt that i have earned myself attention--attention that will make me squirm and beg for an ending. He snapped the belt at me earlier in a not so subtle threat that He will no doubt remember later. All because when my brain said "hush," my mouth said, "fuck you!" i know my place. i just need reminders lol. That sounds weak even as i type it, but it's true. After days of not being in our space and just dealing with the trials of life, it's difficult not to fight.
We were in the shower, M frowned at me, "you complained when i didn't let you up for a week, and you haven't been down for a week; now look at you--thinking your the queen of Sheba, ready to take over the world and shit." i tried my best to convince Him it was a good idea as i was bent over gracelessly attempting to shave my legs in less than ample space. The replying motion was quite graceful--as my head slid up the wall of the shower with His hand around my throat and that wicked grin that tells me there's more to come later. And me? Yea, still not graceful creeping up onto my toes in an attempt to match the rise of His hand with a razor dangling precariously from my fingers. "Do a good job little one, i'll be checking later." i may be a shit sometimes, but somehow i ended up with the man of my dreams.
We were in the shower, M frowned at me, "you complained when i didn't let you up for a week, and you haven't been down for a week; now look at you--thinking your the queen of Sheba, ready to take over the world and shit." i tried my best to convince Him it was a good idea as i was bent over gracelessly attempting to shave my legs in less than ample space. The replying motion was quite graceful--as my head slid up the wall of the shower with His hand around my throat and that wicked grin that tells me there's more to come later. And me? Yea, still not graceful creeping up onto my toes in an attempt to match the rise of His hand with a razor dangling precariously from my fingers. "Do a good job little one, i'll be checking later." i may be a shit sometimes, but somehow i ended up with the man of my dreams.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Pride
Okay, this is my pre-work rambling so if it's incoherent, such is life lol. i just want to get my thoughts down before they disappear.
i was thinking about pride last night on the way home. Pride can be good. It prompts us to appreciate a job well done, it encourages us to do things right and stand behind our decisions. Pride can also be a disastrous pitfall. It prevents us from accepting help when we really need it, clouds our vision when we are questioning a judgment call, and it's the little voice in the back of the mind that says "i will not beg." i realized that i am a proud person. Then i began to wonder...why do things that strip away all sense of pride turn me on so much? Humiliation takes pride and washes it away (sometimes quite literally lol). i came to the conclusion that pride is a construct of the mind with social bearing. When i am floating in sub space, all the constructs of who i think i am, and how i believe the world should, be disappear. When i'm on my knees and M is pissing all over me, i have no pride to hide behind. When i accept that my place is at His feet i am serene in the presence of His Dominance and empty concepts of how i think things should be don't matter any more.
i was on a roll and now i have to go to work...
i was thinking about pride last night on the way home. Pride can be good. It prompts us to appreciate a job well done, it encourages us to do things right and stand behind our decisions. Pride can also be a disastrous pitfall. It prevents us from accepting help when we really need it, clouds our vision when we are questioning a judgment call, and it's the little voice in the back of the mind that says "i will not beg." i realized that i am a proud person. Then i began to wonder...why do things that strip away all sense of pride turn me on so much? Humiliation takes pride and washes it away (sometimes quite literally lol). i came to the conclusion that pride is a construct of the mind with social bearing. When i am floating in sub space, all the constructs of who i think i am, and how i believe the world should, be disappear. When i'm on my knees and M is pissing all over me, i have no pride to hide behind. When i accept that my place is at His feet i am serene in the presence of His Dominance and empty concepts of how i think things should be don't matter any more.
i was on a roll and now i have to go to work...
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Puddle of confusion
If someones going to waste 5 minutes reading this post, might as well waste 10 and read the one before it or it won't make sense lol.
i have been all kind of out of sorts over the past couple of days. M had a tooth pulled without painkillers so He's in less than tip top shape right now Himself.
i can't go all the way down...when that happens, it really bothers me. A lot. i think the way i have been feeling is related to what M told me the other day. i think since it was an event that occurred so long ago, He figured it wouldn't really be something i had to work through. But it is. There are still things He misses about her, all in the bedroom granted, but that's a big part of our life, and a huge part of my submission. He said that, never for a minute, does He regret choosing me instead of her but he does think about their sex life sometimes. i wish that i could be enough for Him...Last night when we went to sleep there was actually distance between us. That hasn't happened in ages and i hate it. It doesn't help that i'm having a hard time cumming when i'm told to, which puts Him out. i can't cum without the command, but that's not enough.
It scares the shit out of me that He could go ten years without telling me. It scares the shit out of me that He owns me so completely, that i would still be His to do with as He pleased, even if He left me. It scares the shit out of me when i can't go down...
i was thinking, and yes, that almost always gets me into trouble lol, that i would like to do a really intense interrogation scene. i want to feel how deeply He owns me. Not just the fear that seems to accompany knowing that, no matter what, He will always own me. Maybe that doesn't make sense...i suppose it's possible impact on my mental state is questionable, but there's nothing like the feeling of extreme forced honesty. Being completely open and having your mind layed bare in front of the one who's opinion matters more than anything in the world.
i have been all kind of out of sorts over the past couple of days. M had a tooth pulled without painkillers so He's in less than tip top shape right now Himself.
i can't go all the way down...when that happens, it really bothers me. A lot. i think the way i have been feeling is related to what M told me the other day. i think since it was an event that occurred so long ago, He figured it wouldn't really be something i had to work through. But it is. There are still things He misses about her, all in the bedroom granted, but that's a big part of our life, and a huge part of my submission. He said that, never for a minute, does He regret choosing me instead of her but he does think about their sex life sometimes. i wish that i could be enough for Him...Last night when we went to sleep there was actually distance between us. That hasn't happened in ages and i hate it. It doesn't help that i'm having a hard time cumming when i'm told to, which puts Him out. i can't cum without the command, but that's not enough.
It scares the shit out of me that He could go ten years without telling me. It scares the shit out of me that He owns me so completely, that i would still be His to do with as He pleased, even if He left me. It scares the shit out of me when i can't go down...
i was thinking, and yes, that almost always gets me into trouble lol, that i would like to do a really intense interrogation scene. i want to feel how deeply He owns me. Not just the fear that seems to accompany knowing that, no matter what, He will always own me. Maybe that doesn't make sense...i suppose it's possible impact on my mental state is questionable, but there's nothing like the feeling of extreme forced honesty. Being completely open and having your mind layed bare in front of the one who's opinion matters more than anything in the world.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Ummmm, okay, so my titles have been shit lately...
The past is the past for a reason. What's done is done and we either hold on to the memories with fondness, or work through the issues over time. In the past, i have been bad. Not the kind of bad that garners and inviting eyebrow and a smack on the ass either. The kind of bad that has the potential to ruin relationships and leaves both parties with emotional scarring. Being called a whore not only turns me on, it's a fitting description of who i am at heart and who i used to be.
Last night while we were making dinner, M told me about something He did over ten years ago. Then He continued making dinner as if He had pointed out that the beans needed more salt. To claim that i hadn't done worse would be hypocritical at best. It blew me away though. In part because of the guilt i have carried all this time, but mostly because He kept it to Himself for more than ten years. i have poured out my heart and confessed my sins. If there's anything left untold, it's because i buried it deep enough to forget it myself. it scared me that He could keep something like that from me for so long and think nothing of it. In all fairness, the timeframe was not during my best behavior...but it was before i cheated on Him, before i had a clue what life really was. He allowed me drown in my guilt all these years, thinking i was the only one who had ever been untrue. Turns out, He's just better at keeping secrets. He pointed out that i had told Him to go fuck someone else repeatedly--i couldn't handle intimacy, i hated sex, i was 15, and i didn't understand love in the slightest. All these years i really thought He'd never, or hadn't, done it.
She was everything i am not. Always ready for sex, multi-orgasmic, could cum on verbal command alone, small stature...Luckily for me, M didn't want a mindless doormat and is willing to work with me on the other stuff (well, i'm never gonna loose 6" of height, i hope, lol). i have really been working on ditching the emotion of jealousy lately. i thought i was doing pretty good too. i realize that if i was more secure with myself and liked my body more, i wouldn't be as prone to being bothered by the things i lack that He finds attractive in other women. i called her a slut this morning...M grabbed me by my hair, bent my head back, and announced firmly in my ear that, if He ever left me, i would be His slut on the side anytime He wanted. i felt like i was disintegrating because it's true. The unspoken words were that He owned her too. Regardless of whether He completely understood it at the time or not.
The past is the past for a reason. What's done is done. We either let it eat us forever or we learn from our mistakes, let ourselves become better people for it, and live today for itself.
i cannot judge the act, i have been more than my share of untrue in the past. He owns me completely, Heart, mind, body, and soul. It is something that i no longer have any control over. i am no longer capable of hiding anything from Him, past or present. in the present truth is all i see, from the past, if i have forgot and He asks i will remember and speak the truth. Being so owned scares the shit out of me. i never really understood before that He doesn't have to be truthful, He doesn't have to be forthcoming, He can and will do as He wishes with whomever H pleases...and i will never know unless He chooses to tell me.
Last night while we were making dinner, M told me about something He did over ten years ago. Then He continued making dinner as if He had pointed out that the beans needed more salt. To claim that i hadn't done worse would be hypocritical at best. It blew me away though. In part because of the guilt i have carried all this time, but mostly because He kept it to Himself for more than ten years. i have poured out my heart and confessed my sins. If there's anything left untold, it's because i buried it deep enough to forget it myself. it scared me that He could keep something like that from me for so long and think nothing of it. In all fairness, the timeframe was not during my best behavior...but it was before i cheated on Him, before i had a clue what life really was. He allowed me drown in my guilt all these years, thinking i was the only one who had ever been untrue. Turns out, He's just better at keeping secrets. He pointed out that i had told Him to go fuck someone else repeatedly--i couldn't handle intimacy, i hated sex, i was 15, and i didn't understand love in the slightest. All these years i really thought He'd never, or hadn't, done it.
She was everything i am not. Always ready for sex, multi-orgasmic, could cum on verbal command alone, small stature...Luckily for me, M didn't want a mindless doormat and is willing to work with me on the other stuff (well, i'm never gonna loose 6" of height, i hope, lol). i have really been working on ditching the emotion of jealousy lately. i thought i was doing pretty good too. i realize that if i was more secure with myself and liked my body more, i wouldn't be as prone to being bothered by the things i lack that He finds attractive in other women. i called her a slut this morning...M grabbed me by my hair, bent my head back, and announced firmly in my ear that, if He ever left me, i would be His slut on the side anytime He wanted. i felt like i was disintegrating because it's true. The unspoken words were that He owned her too. Regardless of whether He completely understood it at the time or not.
The past is the past for a reason. What's done is done. We either let it eat us forever or we learn from our mistakes, let ourselves become better people for it, and live today for itself.
i cannot judge the act, i have been more than my share of untrue in the past. He owns me completely, Heart, mind, body, and soul. It is something that i no longer have any control over. i am no longer capable of hiding anything from Him, past or present. in the present truth is all i see, from the past, if i have forgot and He asks i will remember and speak the truth. Being so owned scares the shit out of me. i never really understood before that He doesn't have to be truthful, He doesn't have to be forthcoming, He can and will do as He wishes with whomever H pleases...and i will never know unless He chooses to tell me.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Worry
i am falling back into my overwhelming fear and worry about M. We have become so deeply entwined and His health is less than perfect, i just can't seem to let it go. i used to worry about the physical stuff of being alone, bills, kids, life shit. Now, i'm just terribly afraid to exist without Him. He is my shelter from the world, my lover, my rock, my shoulder to lean on, my blanket to hide under. i couldn't be without Him and i can't let go of the fear that something will happen to Him and i will have to. It's eating me up and i really just wish i could get over it, take life one day at a time, and sink into that feeling of everything is as it was meant to be. But i can't.
i exist on my knees to please.
Living and being for Him is who i was meant to be
my place is at His feet
and He is all i need.
i exist on my knees to please.
Living and being for Him is who i was meant to be
my place is at His feet
and He is all i need.
Saturday, November 13, 2010
bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch
I almost got fired this week. Still not sure it isn't coming so i started looking for another job today. i am actually rather pissed off about the whole thing, i must say. My kid had the gall to call me lazy the other day; in addition to that, i had to watch my mom's house by myself for the week. i really wasn't ready to stay there alone. it's the first time i have watched the house since my dad died and i just didn't want to spend that much time alone there. So, i decided to take the boy to work with me. i wouldn't be alone, and he could get a dose of reality seeing how i work my ass off at a shitty job. Yea, he was great. He worked his tail off with me, didn't speak unless spoken to, and was as close to friggin angelic as a kid can get. On the second night, my boss called me in and read me the riot act in a very nice voice and aggravatingly passive aggressive manner. "We didn't discuss him being here, what were you thinking, this is very unlike you! I don't want to be the bad guy so I'm not going to tell you you have to drive 3 hours in the morning to take him home and come back to work, but you just do what you think is best." Yea, i was thinking it would be a good lesson for my kid, i didn't want to be alone in my dead father's house, and my boss sleeps all day so would only have to be around the kid for a couple of hours. And yes actually, it is soooo like me to haul my kid to work. It's cleaning and running errands, not building rockets. i am sick to death of this man and the job. It's a service oriented job for a hypochondriac with medical problems who's to lazy to put on his own shoes or go to the bathroom to take a piss at night. i don't mind hard work and gross work isn't really a big deal to me. i get paid decent and i do a damn good job. More and more though, it feels like some kind of service, not a job i get to leave when i come home (i take all his calls at home, so i am basically working whenever the damn phone rings). i have a big problem with feeling like i'm serving not being employed. For one thing, in my mind, service is given to the strong, not the weak and pathetic. For two, the only person i am even remotely interested in serving the least little bit is M, the rest of the world can go fuck themselves. i don't mind being the maid. i have major issues with feeling like a servant.
Unfortunately, i have shit for qualifications and it's not easy to find another job that will pay me $12 an hour. i know lol, i have been looking.
To top it all off, i have been away from M most of the week, and now that i'm home (have to go back tomorrow unfortunately), M is busy working around the house and getting stuff done that He couldn't do during the week because He had the little one. i just wanted to come home and curl up at His feet, rest secure in the knowledge that He is the only man i will ever serve. To be where i belong.
hmmm, venting/pity party over lol. Dinner won't cook itself. On the bright side, i do feel slightly better now.
Unfortunately, i have shit for qualifications and it's not easy to find another job that will pay me $12 an hour. i know lol, i have been looking.
To top it all off, i have been away from M most of the week, and now that i'm home (have to go back tomorrow unfortunately), M is busy working around the house and getting stuff done that He couldn't do during the week because He had the little one. i just wanted to come home and curl up at His feet, rest secure in the knowledge that He is the only man i will ever serve. To be where i belong.
hmmm, venting/pity party over lol. Dinner won't cook itself. On the bright side, i do feel slightly better now.
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