Sunday, October 24, 2010

Owned, part I

She met Him at the door wearing only her collar. A piece composed of a series of small metal circles which lay comfortingly across her collarbone. Kneeling at His feet she removed His shoes and bowed her head. His bottomless brown eyes, surrounded by eyelashes that went on forever, glinted slightly as He touched her hands and motioned her gently to her feet. "Miss me little one?" "So very much Master" she replied feeling a slight shiver roll down her spine. He smacked her ass lightly, "help me out of these clothes." She slid His shirt up over His shoulders watching the muscles ripple in the soft candle light as He shrugged it off. Sinking back down to her knees she unfastened His belt. The sound His belt buckle made as she undid the fastenings made her shake slightly. The belt was more punishment than pleasure and He took His time when He chose to use it on her delicate flesh. She could feel Him smiling at the top of her head. He knew what she was thinking and found it rather amusing. She slipped His pants off and reached for His underwear, sliding it slowly down His legs. Looking up at Him from the floor, she felt like a miniature figurine. He towered over her all muscle and golden hair. "Go get in the shower little one--I want you clean and ready for inspection." She rose slowly to her feet, blushing at the thought of His face inches from her body, strong fingers prodding and checking as He assured Himself she had done the job properly.

Stepping into the shower she winced as unbearably hot water splashed across her skin. Turning down the temperature she melted under the water her mind consumed with thoughts of Him. She heard the bathroom door open and jumped slightly, aware that she hadn't even touched the soap yet. "I'm sorry, I'll be out in a minute she said." He raised an eyebrow slightly as He looked her up and down. His glance slid beneath her skin and invaded her soul as He took in every square inch of her physical form. He moved silently into the shower without taking His eyes off of her. With a steely grin, He reached for the water, she flinched as it returned to it's previously painful temperature. He settled His fingers firmly into her hair. It was not a rough touch, but one that forbid resistance as He pulled her under the flowing water. He motioned wordlessly for the soap and began washing her hair. Each one of her hands was the size of her head. A hand drifted down, grasping her throat and she floated mindlessly in the knowledge that He could snap her neck with one flick of his wrist. His hands continued to roam, spreading soap all over her body until He was satisfied with His work. He held her under the water for a minute. Then suddenly He pulled her head downward, in an unmistakable command. Sinking to her knees she felt His long hard cock slide into her mouth, continuing down her throat until she heaved involuntarily, her body pulling mindlessly away. His fingers tightened in her hair, motionless and unyielding keeping His cock buried in her throat. Suddenly He yanked her head back and pulled her to her feet. "Good job little one" He whispered in her ear as He steadied her. Somehow she had lost the ability to balance on her own. She tried to focus her eyes on His face. Her eyes told her He had a satisifed and slightly amused expression but her brain lacked the capability ot interpret it.

Friday, October 22, 2010

Need to serve

His finger traced a delicate line down the sweat on my back as I gasped for breath. "Come here." As I rolled towards Him He set a finger under my chin and lifted my face to meet His eyes. "It's to easy for you to fall into thinking that you serve Me because I want you to little one. You need to remember that you serve Me because you NEED to."
How very scarily true.

I have been thinking about the difference between submission and surrender. Is there a difference? I think so. To me, submission is an action. Surrender is a step beyond action into a state of being. It's like a need versus a want. Like speaking the word grace or being in a state of grace.
I feel like I never really knew what true love was. For 12 years I have loved M, not always with passion, not always with purity. But always deeply. Now, it feels as if He is all I live and breath. Leaving the house alone to go to work in the morning is almost painful. My mind feels hazy and I only want to be by His side. Our passion is all-consuming, He slides into my mind every time He slips into my body. When He explodes filling me with Him, I am complete. A whole piece of the intricate and never-ending universe. Sitting at His feet, I am where I was meant to be, resting on my knees, staring into His eyes, my soul is on fire, feeling an endless love that never tires.

And so the real world beckons with the screaming of children and the seemingly ever-present need to go to work. Meh.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

All in

"You're either all in or out little one." So, we have been on this road for a while now, but there's something to say for evolution I guess. M spent a lot of time repressing parts of himself and I think He's done with that now. We were talking about other women. A subject that's a bit difficult for me to swallow as it's often accompanied with a heap of jealousy and a side-serving of guilt do to my past fuck-ups. M pointed out that I can't continue to submit within the box of my comfort zone and it's time to be all in or get off this train so to speak. "How far down the rabbit hole can you go little one?" The truth is, i don't know and M doesn't either. When He said it was time for me to chose to take the next step or step off the path, He said I needed to think carefully about my choice because there was no going back once the decision was made. Well, it's all in from here on out and I guess we shall see how far down the rabbit hole we can go.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Rules of the "game"

The rules of the game have changed tremendously over this last week. I don't know how well I'm adapting. "rules of the game" seems to be a very ironic suggestion since we have moved so far from "games" we aren't even on the same planet lol.
I'm dazed and confused. So confusion is no stranger, but still, my mind feels a bit wrecked. Over the last few days, M has been very intense. We have these intense conversations in bed that make me squirm, almost every sentence He speaks is followed with "do you understand?"
I'm a jealous person. I have been for a very long time. I suppose that I would be less so if I was a bit more secure with myself, but I haven't been able to change that either lol. I found someone online for M to play around with...Yeah, jealousy is a brutal bitch. I guess it helps if you know and like the person calling your Dominant "Master"...Does it? Dunno. M said something last night that kind of got me going. The funny thing is, it wasn't sexual in the least. He said something about if we bring another woman to bed, it should be someone I can sit and have coffee with in the morning. Coffee...Hmmm, coffee's really not more personal than sex lol. But coffee implies cuddling, some kind of relationship other than empty sex? I'm not well versed in empty sex, I suppose coffee afterwards is not rare lol. It just cast the idea in a different light for me I guess. It didn't help that I got to see someone else call Him Master yesterday. I felt...displaced. I know that's silly, but that is how I felt. I also kind of figured it was just deserts for me; having once said that to other men online myself (well, I'd be lying if I said I remembered exact instances, but I'm sure I did. Sigh*). If I had had any idea of what that really meant, I would have never typed the word lol. Funny how things can seem empty and meaningless until we discover the reality of what they are.
I'm not sure what triggered the changes of this last week, I'm not even sure I object. Well, that's not true. I do. I object vehemently, but somehow I'm losing the will to push back...Maybe that's what scares me. Master's angel did a post (if I wasn't lazy I'd make a link to her blog, but I am and it's listed over to the right) where she talked about fear of losing her Master. I sympathise with that feeling because I have been struggling with that one big time. Because yes, shit we have no control over happens. No matter how strong the Dominant, accidents happen, illness occurs, etc. The further I sink into Him, the more I realize that I couldn't survive without Him. Not just in the physical sense. It's the mental concept of living without Him that sometimes make me wish we had never discovered this thing we call Dominance and submission. Okay, now I'm really rambling incoherently. As far as the other girl goes, what bothers me most, that she called Him Master, or that she didn't send Him the pic that He requested...No, what bothered me most is that she called Him Master when talking to me, not my Master lol. And after all, just because you hop online and type the word, doesn't mean you are truly giving the respect it warrants. Okay, so I think I'm doing a pretty good job of keeping the fangs tucked in, I'm sure someone will disagree with me but oh well.

The conversations M has been having with me at night are melting my mind. He's so clear and concise, He expects answers that are the same, and He does not tolerate evasiveness. He expresses little emotion, there's no anger, no laughter, no fluffy expressions of love. Just this bubble of truth and control that's so pure and intense it almost makes me want to crawl out of my skin. Or maybe into His. I dunno anymore.
M can be quite sadistic. I'm learning that His expression of it is, more often than not, mental rather than physical. If the physical expression doesn't get the mental response He wants to see, it seems to lack quite a bit of satisfaction. I guess while it can be fun to whip someone, it's also fairly rewarding to make them squirm and beg in the same manner without touching them at all.
He asked me, "what scares you more, the thought of waking up in the morning and having coffee with a woman we fucked the night before, or waking up with me in the morning and realizing what you did with another man the night before, because I'm throwing him out when we're done" uhhh. Ouch my mind. I got so carried away with thinking about the coffee I was quite able to avoid thinking about the other. I guess the thought of waking up and having coffee with the woman makes me jealous. The thought of waking up and thinking about what happened with another man the night before makes me feel like I'm standing in town square naked with a leash on.

M seems to find it entertaining that I can't seem to form words when He's asking me things, yet I can sit and write on the blog like a fountain. I have this feeling I won't find it entertaining comes our nightly conversation.

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Last night was painfully intense. Not so much physically, as mentally. M told me to get Him hard with words alone...When I couldn't seem to "connect that dirty mind with [your] mouth," M demanded I tell Him about the first time I had cyber sex. I couldn't remember.
M has decided that it's time for me to find another woman for Him to play with. He asked if I understood that He could only know that I really meant it when I said I would do whatever He told me to, if He actually called the bluff and I proved it. M can be a very serious human being. He is rarely as serious as He was last night. He told me that it was important I understand that everything He does is done with my best interests in mind. With His wants and desires forefront of course. By the end of the night I knew without a doubt that the day is coming where I'm tied at the foot of the bed watching Him fuck another woman. A woman I have to find. Ironically, I don't much like women. I don't mean sexually (though members of my sex don't exactly light my fire), I just find most women to be catty and intollerable. Yea I know, viciously betraying my own sex. Sadly, most of the ones worth talking to, would probably agree with me. I went to sleep and woke up feeling like my mind had been turned inside out and upside down.