Monday, August 30, 2010

Pieces of who I used to be

Force me to my knees
steal the air I breathe
shame me
claim me
stop one step short of maiming me
You never blamed me
for being a whore
You made me Yours
kept me off the streets
and away from other men's sheets
You kept me from the beds of despair
running Your hands through my tangled hair
You set aside my words and wants
for my dreams and needs
You heard me screaming
in a world unbelieving
that there was more than empty meniality
as you release your needs upon my body
your playground screaming in an endless river
dying to be heard
begging for a place to hide
You made me Your bride
took possession of my being
now you give me the space to grieve
and I no longer know what I need
to be let be, or beaten till I bleed
a queen whore on her knees
Master I have lost
that clarity of being
Master I'm trying to catch myself
but I think I need some help
I store my feelings on the shelf
using emotions to control other emotions
it's an inside explosion in motion
I was born without the ability to be broken
but I feel like I am losing pieces
of who I used to be
Master, I no longer know what I need
throw me on the bed
crawl inside my head
pulling those invisible threads
I have drowned
in amazing grace
pretty like lace
a once empty vessel floating through space
trying to hide my face and discover my place
I am no longer who I was
am I who I was meant to be?
Please don't ever set me free
from the bounds of our reality
Master I am losing
pieces of me.

Want versus need and what dreams will be

I think that one of the biggest differences between a D/s marriage and a vanilla one, is that husbands generally strive to give their wives what they want. A Dominant provides His wife what she needs. The two things are not always one and the same. Sure, I want to be cuddled and held, in this point of my life, I even need it just to maintain stability. But I also need to be a toy in the sadists playground. While there quite often comes a time where I find myself thinking, "holy fucking shit, enough, make it stopppp!" it seems like it isn't until after that point has been traveled far past, that I reach the state of mind I need. A place where there is no more thought, no more want, no more individual. Just being. M still has difficulty with his likes sometimes. I guess it's difficult to reconcile loving someone with the fact that you can get tremendous pleasure from inflicting pain on that same person. Anyways, I got off my mental track about what a person needs is not always what they want. Before my father died, he told M we had seven days of grieving, after which we needed to let him go so that his soul could continue its journey. I don't think this was meant as a cut-off point for sadness, simply a time frame in which we were allowed to actively hang on to his being, an easing into life without him (feels more like a 100 mile an hour train wreck, but anhyow...). We had decided that at the end of the seven days we would have a celebration in his honor. He always said "when I die, burn it down and have a big party." So that was the plan. On day two, my mom freaked out. She said she felt rushed and didn't want to go through with the event. This was really hard for M and I. On one hand, we had the directive of taking care of her and doing what makes mom happy. On the other hand, maybe making her happy wasn't as important as doing what we felt needed to be done. Poor M. He took her to the side to talk and she got really put out with Him. While they were talking I could see her hand on her hip and M's shoulder bow that said He was trying to explain Himself in a very non-Dominant way and do the right thing. I thought to myself, "what are we supposed to do dad, we're supposed to do what makes mom happy, but is that taking care of her in the right way?" I heard/sensed a reply (one I was quite grateful for, even though it took the added reinforcement of talking to our boys godmother to clear up whether we were doing what was needed or just hearing what we wanted). "What mom wants isn't always what mom needs." It's a true fact of being human that we rarely acknowledge. I didn't want to experience the pain of childbirth, but I needed it to show me how strong I am. We didn't want our move to fall through, but we needed it to so our family could be together during this time. I didn't want my dad to die, in fact, I really fucking want him back, but I think maybe I needed this experience in my life to help me become the person I was meant to be. Being a submissive gives me more of a relationship with M and life where I get what I need, not what I want (don't get me wrong, getting what you want can be pretty damn great, but it can be very different from what you need).

Okay, my philosophical musings are depleted now lol.
M's sister called me at 8 AM this morning to tell me she wanted M to go see a Dr. She had a dream that he had died and as a result of his passing, I died too leaving my mother with our boys. Quite often, I think dreams are random ramblings of the subconscious mind. Our hopes and fears, the best and worst of ourselves and our realities come out to play in the night. Dreams are not always that simple though, it's learning to draw the distinction that makes things complicated. Three months before my father died I had a dream that he was, for lack of a better word, grey. There was no color of life around him. I woke up and told M that I didn't think my dad would live to see another Spring. Life got complicated, and I decided to ignore my dream. I didn't want it to be true, and he was no sicker than he had been throughout the year. 2 weeks before he died I saw him. He was grey, not physically, but there was no color of life surrounding him. He looked just as he had in my dream. We went home and I told M my dad was going to die and I wished I had not ignored my dream and let circumstances and disagreements come between us. Sister's dream was not my own, so I can't sense the feeling of it. My father's death has been rough on her and her sister too. He filled a very important place in their lives from a very young age. It could just be her fear of losing the biggest rocks in her life--M and I. But I am not the only dreamer in our family and I have been deeply concerned with M's health lately. M payed the dream no mind and told me not to worry. Funny thing is, the thought of my own death has never really bothered me, the thought of losing M or one of our children--that's a mind crushing concept for me.
I think I need a very intense session to take me back out of my mind and clear out the cobwebs. I don't really want one though lol.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010


Life is kicking my ass. The circle of life sure as hell feels like a washing machine set on high. I used to think we led very stable lives. I knew where we were, had an idea of where we were going, and life was After our move fell through, leaving us in the worst financial situation we have ever been in, a dear friend of M's died, I got a job, and my father became deathly ill. I feel like the world as I knew it to be is gone. M keeps me halfway sane. He's the only stability in my life. But it's been really hard on M too. He has never had to stay home with the boys which is it's own special brand of insanity no matter how much you love your kids. My fathers downturn has been really painful for M as well. He has been M's best friend for years even though it has been difficult over the past months due to father's illness beginning to impact his mind a bit. M is facing being the head of a family consisting of myself, my mother, and his two younger sisters and the responsibility coupled with impending loss is weighing heavily on Him.
Working is messing with my general flow of life. It's been ten years since I had a job outside the home. I discovered that I hate cleaning and taking care of running a house (that's my work, I care for an ill man which means I clean, cook, run errands, and basically help him run his life). In retrospect, I kind of enjoy those things at home because of M. Doing those things as an expression of love and submission brings some semblance of joy to those menial tasks and without that they are little more than mind-numbing and meaningless actions that give me the time for to much thought.
I am having a difficult time with submission lately. In a way it keeps me sane, but these days my mind just won't shut up and get out of my way enough to fall completely into space like I usually do. Life seems so full of pain and worry that there is room for little else in me. In my deepest moments of sadness, kneeling at M's feet, I know that I will always be okay as long as I can rest there where I belong. The condition I have been in, that doesn't ease my mind as it should. I just end up worrying about M's health and praying that I never go through what my mother is going through now after 30 years of marriage. He is the glue that keeps me together. Without Him, my existance would feel completely meaningless.
The little one is up and having a fit, so I need to hang out with him a bit before I head out into the world for the day. And what a crazy world it is.

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Upside down and inside out

I have to say, the last month of my life has been a rollercoaster ride towards hell and it's just not coming back up the other side anytime soon. Our move fell though and no one wants to pay M the money they owe, which has left us in a terrible monetary situation. I started working 40 hours a week since M doesn't have work for the first time in ten years. It wasn't working for M so I'm cutting back to 24 hours a week. I'm not bringing in enough money to pay the bills and it's kind of depressing working in a caretaker poisition and cleaning someone else's house. I realised that my joy in a neat house comes from my expectations that M will enjoy it. Without that, not even the monetary reward of getting payed to do it brings that much satisfaction (okay, if I was actuaslly making enough money to pay the bills, it would probably be more satisfying lol). We are still keeping our eyes out for a house, but we have to much debt to qualify for a loan right now and recent events unrelated to our move have made us decide that we are definately staying here for a bit longer, probably until mid-winter or spring.
My father is dying. He's been ill for a long time, but now the downward spiral just keeps on getting worse. He refuses to go to the hospital which, while I kind of wish he would, I am not surprised about. I knew he wouldn't choose to die any different than he lived. I don't know if it will be a few months or weeks, not having a medical perspective to go on. It's incredibly painful to see him in so much pain with my mom disintigrating beside him. It's all really fucking with me. Between being out in the world working (something I am not used to at all), my fathers illness, and M's health issues, I feel like my life is disintigrating around me. I have developed this overwhelming fear of not having M in my life. We have been together since I was 15, being owned completely and facing a death close to me, the thought of possibly ever losing M, my owner, my lover, my husband, my Master, my life, is eating me up. When I was a kid, my father was my best friend. Whenever I was sick and woke up at night, he was always awake reading and watching over me. For the last 12 years, M has been my best friend in the whole world on every level and I couldn't live without Him. Life just seems like to much to handle sometimes.
Last night after M used me, I cried. Not the a few tears well up quietly cried, outright sobbing. M just held me and told me to let it out. Then He said He may know me better than I know myself, but He doesn't always understand me. I think it was just the release of orgasm and being in space making me let go of my pent up emotions and fears.
Life has been so sad lately. In a way, anger is what holds me together, without it I feel like I'm a mess. I have plenty of it I guess lol. Getting screwed over on both a friendship and monetary level to the extent we did, makes me mad. Our so called friends rounded it off by going to my parents where my father is obviously dying on the couch and my mom is a mess and basically stole a 3,000 dollar car from them. I bitch a lot, but when it comes right down to the wire, I generally back off and cool my shit. This time, I think it's a good thing they moved like we were supposed to. I have witnessed umm, I'll call them revelation moments, that change someones life in a big way and usually seems to involve the offending party with a gun to their head. I have never been on the giving end, but this time I really thought about it. If M wasn't a more stable person than I, it might have really happened.
I miss feeling stable. I feel like the world as I knew it has turned upside down and inside out.