Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Through my eyes

I often wish that I could see myself through Your eyes--witness the beauty You behold, the strength You lean on, the whore You reach for. I wish I could see whatever it is in me that You find amazing, worth craving, what made You choose me out of the many you could have had.

And sometimes, sometimes I wish that You could see Yourself through my eyes. Because I see a brilliant man who can do anything He puts His mind to, who challenges what is humanly possible and walks out the other side victorious. When I look at you I don't just see a tall, well-built man, with eyes made for drowning in and a smile worth crawling for. I see strength to take shelter in, I see a man who has faced struggles many people cannot even conceive of and kept His faith in existence.

When I look at You I see the man who keeps my world turning. The man I love with all my heart and soul. The man who is worthy of being my Master.

And sometimes, I wish that You could see Yourself through my eyes. 

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Inconvenient Inspiration

My best inspirations for blogging seem to come at two very inconvenient times--in the car on my way to work, or in bed right before passing out in a haze of submission. Neither one is conducive to my ability to retain and write about said inspirations lol.

Yesterday morning I felt like crap. Did not want to go to work in the least little bit. On my way out the door, Alpha grabbed me and pulled me in for one of those delicious hugs that make me want to remove my shoes, turn the car off, and settle back in for the day. "I want to shelter you and protect you and use you." Umm...."Now I really don't want to go!"

And I had lots of inspiration on my way to work. You know, those posts that practically write themselves and are perfect just the way they flow from mind to page...Can't remember any of them. Not one. Though, I work tomorrow, so recall should be great until I get back home lol.

Last night? Oh last night I was inspired as could be...At midnight dripping wet, used, incoherent, and tired to the bone. This morning? Ha, All I got is "I know I had something good dammit!"

I get one question after sex, hard use, abuse, love, whatever-the-fuck-you-wanna-call-it.
Yea, the man doles them out like chocolate to a PMS'ing fiend--keep me from going completely demonic, but always waiting for more.
And I was panicking again, about my illusions of being able to control my desires, my body's reactions, anything at all...He said "remember the realization you had about your parents when you were a kid, that the only thing that made you do what they said was you? It's kind of like that in reverse. You're not doing it just to please me any more." And then He went on to say something intelligent and confusing about control while I was busy drowning in my inability to be the least little bit coherent.

My body surrenders and my mind follows screaming insanely at it for the perceived betrayal. Then? My mind surrenders too.

Sunday, August 28, 2011

My Place

Alpha doesn't like it when I get off track and can't seem to get back in my place. And I should have known I was headed for one of those funky "off" cycles. After all, I did have a bit of a breakthrough...Then I gave notice at my job and life got even more insane than usual.

He will let me wander a bit and wait for me to come around with gentle reminders. But it's hard for me to get back in my place. And He's taken it pretty easy on me since the accident (pain is apparently only fun if He is actively causing it. The whole "omg, something locked up and I can't turn my head" thing is a real downer for face fucking and a multitude of other crimes lol).

Alpha isn't happy when I'm not in my place. And truth be told, I'm not either. When I am secure in submission, held firmly by His Dominance, is when I am at my best. The most happy, stable, safe...complete. But for some reason it's difficult to get back to that place, the place where my submission comes before all other thoughts and actions, where our natural states consume us and we are simply Master and sub.

For a while He will softly summon me back. If that doesn't work? The rose He has extended grows thorns. And He makes me grab it, squeeze until there's nothing left in my mind besides Him, until the only pain that matters is the kind He causes, until every breath I take is His once again.

And I am back where I belong. At home in my place.

Saturday, August 27, 2011

Does the Garden Grow

When I was growing up, my father's life revolved around the gardens. Not cute little gardens with flowers and water flowing abundantly--big gardens for food where flowers were only planted if they warded off bugs and every drop of water used was hauled from somewhere else.
Alpha grew a garden this year and now that He's going back to work for a little bit, I'll be the one taking care of it. And it's a lot of friggin work.

A garden is very much like D/s, or any relationship for that matter--they need constant care and upkeep, every plant has different needs, and if you stop tending to them they die. There are no substitutes for dedication and consistency, no shortcuts to a bountiful harvest, no such thing as a day off.

And the harvest is well worth the effort put into it.

Like watching relationships,you can tell a lot about someone by looking at their garden. You know if they value beauty or substance, or maybe a little bit of both. It's easy to see how hard they are willing to work at something and the care they put into the things they do.

Of course, you could also draw the conclusion that they are completely insane. What kind of maniac plants eight 30 foot rows of tomatoes and fills most of the remaining 20 rows with things that have to be watered twice a day??
Speaking of which...I'm an hour late getting out to water it.
Grumbles. The food is awesome, but the man that planted it all is a sadistic bastard.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Another Crazy August

August has turned into a crazy month for our family. Not just this August, every August lol. For one, there are three children under five who have birthdays within two weeks of each other (I have lobbied strongly for the week of Thanksgiving to officially be renamed abstinence week. Alpha denied that very reasonable request).

Tomorrow our youngest boy will be three. I get to start reminiscing about his birth days beforehand though since he took his sweet time arriving lol.

Yesterday I gave notice at my job. Those of you who have been reading for some time, will know that doing so is a pretty big deal for me. For one, because my client can be a real creep and I have wanted out of there for a very long time; for two, because we really need my job.
Alpha wanted me to quit and told me "I think it might be the right thing to do." Um, as opposed to He thinks it might be the wrong thing to do...The difference is...?
September 16 is set as my last day. Alpha has a small project lined up (not enough to make it through winter, but enough for me to take a couple months off and give one of us time to find something else).
It looks like the babysitting I so carefully lined up may have fallen through and Alpha will have to take his days off on the days I work to take care of the boys. It's a rotten schedule because we won't see each other at all since we will both be working crazy hours, but we can pull it off for a couple weeks.
Honestly? I'm torn between elation and complete panic. All last night I dreamed about frantically putting in job applications and not getting work lol.

Will the year ever come where I get shit wrapped early and don't have to wait till a kid is sound asleep and find myself wrapping things after ten PM?

Sunday, August 21, 2011

A Cornucopia of Bad Ideas

 The kids were finally both asleep, and I really just wanted to join them in that ever elusive land of dreams. with deep respect and abounding hope, I informed Alpha that "some subs have a bedtime, and can mine be 8:00 please?" Ahem, He laughed at me.  "I'm barely even done working in the garden by then!" So I guess early bedtime was pushing it a little bit.
I'm quick on my feet so I made a counter offer, complete with batting eyelashes and protestations of how great it would be..."how about 9:00 then?" Sigh, He thinks I'm funny.

Apparently, I had not completely exhausted my cornucopia of bad ideas.

We had just gotten in bed and were curled up together all sweet, and warm, and comfy.
Then He tried to pull my nipple off...I'm going to blame the doctor who prescribed me muscle relaxers for what happened next. It must have relaxed that muscle I use to keep insane words from spewing out.

The mistake came as soon as I opened my mouth. In my defense, I was just glaring fiercely and He made me say it. "I'm sure you are doing it all wrong! You're supposed to ease into the pain shit!" Unfortunately, He still had a death grip on my nipple.

I apologized profusely. Within ten minutes I had said something smarmy funny again. Something about a ball not liking me and attempting to escape my attentions...By the time He was done laughing at me, I was pretty sure I had emptied that cornucopia of bad ideas. Though somehow I managed to pull a few more before sleep.

The whole affair ended with me biting back screams and gasping for air. I guess I count myself lucky it was from pleasure.

And I did get to keep the nipples. Which was nice.

On a completely unrelated note, is it possible to find a small functioning lock made out of sterling silver without browsing through 3,000 Google pages?

Saturday, August 20, 2011

Evolutionary Issues

Evolution is a concept that has always fascinated me. Not in the biological sense of the word, more on a human and spiritual level. Evolution is a process of growth and development.

It is however, a process that is not always easy or pleasant to undergo.

In one way or another, I have always had issues surrounding my sexuality. And I have had some struggles with my kinks too. For some reason, the kinks are easier even though the two are deeply intertwined. Perhaps it's because I have been carrying my other issues for longer lol. Or maybe it is because of Alpha's acceptance of my kinks, or the fact that the kinks I get to experience are the ones He chooses to indulge.

It is possible to completely detach oneself from a situation. And it is also possible to be so immersed in a moment that the experience pours out of you for days.
I spent many years perfecting the former.

And that feeling of drowning in need, passion, sex, submission, pain, love...It is the very close to the opposite of what I have always been. Or at least, what I have always let be forefront in my personality.

The other night while I was panicking about my inability to control my own desires, He said "you're waking up little one." Matter of fact. Like an outside observer watching a long awaited process begin--and observer who never had a doubt as to the outcome.
Alpha is a patient man. But that patience is a give and take. Because when He's done being patient? It's gone, over, done, finished. And He has been patient for a very long time.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

The Truth Is...

We are no longer new to ttwd, our relationship is almost half as old as I am, our roles are established...And I'm still scared shitless (okay, so there's a lot wrong with that word but I'm not going there lol).

The truth is, I get off on being afraid. I also get off on feeling safe. Even better? A combination of both (figure that one out, you know you want to. Then you can tell me all about it).
But there's that other fear...The fear of needing so badly I'll beg without prompting, the fear of not just wanting Him to get me off, but desperately needing it and knowing He has the right to deny me.

That wanton little whore I was talking about? Alpha likes her but I think she's a bit of a bitch. Because she's needy and not afraid to beg for it, to admit what she wants and crawl after it, to let go absolutely and without shame. Because when she peeks out, the last vestiges of what I see as my control go up in smoke.

I have always been a one-orgasm-done, kind of girl (well, that's not exactly true--before Alpha I was a no-orgasm-done kind of girl lol). Last night as we curled up together after He had yanked three orgasms out of me from God only knows where, He asked me why I was so afraid to let go, to free that elusive, locked up, trouble making little whore who lacks boundaries, loves sucking dick, and is malleable as clay (disturbingly enough, He had not yet read yesterday's post).

I told Him it was because I couldn't control her. He laughed at me (For the record, it's not nice to laugh at the hazy sub who can't think straight), and said in that slightly condescending and excessively smarmy tone, "Control? You think you still have control?" Oops, well, uhhh, kinda? Nope.

My body was done, my limbs felt like jelly, my mind was mush, my stomach was cramping...And I wanted more.

The truth is--I'm afraid to let go. I think it's my biggest issue surrounding sex, intimacy, and ttwd in general. As much as I love that place Alpha affectionately calls the abyss, I prefer to peek over the edge, dip my toes in the water, flounder around in the shallows, and beat a hasty retreat to safety.

But we both know we are to much all or nothing for that to last forever. That we thrive on that connection, the spark, the fire, the things that happen when we leap over the edge without looking back.

I get off on being afraid. I get off on being safe. And the combination of both brings me to my knees begging to please.

The truth is, there's this wanton little whore that I have kept locked away for a very long time. And I don't know that I have the ability or desire to keep her chained any more.

Monday, August 15, 2011

Where is that Wanton Whore

It's been rather clear over the years, that I'm not so good at being a wanton whore. Well, actually I am good at it...But I'm not good at unlocking her. I have kept her shackled for such a very long time. Because she's trouble. Pure, liquid, undeniably volatile...Trouble.

I guess I have always been afraid that I couldn't control her. And maybe I can't...But He can. And it's not that He just wants me to be a wanton whore--He wants me to be His wonton whore. He wants me to tell Him my desires, to admit that I like sucking dick, to accept that I have fantasies so dark I am terrified to admit them to myself, He wants me to let her out of the cage.

He wants me to need it so bad I beg for it. 

Even though He's never judged me...Even after all these years...I'm afraid of what He will think of that wanton whore. And for some reason, I almost always hold back.
Yesterday I was needy. I needed deep dark things to free me from my mind. I needed this. And He was more than happy to provide it...But I just couldn't let go so He held back for me. Even though I needed it? I couldn't have handled it because I was to stuck in my head.

He hurt me. And He made me feel good. But I couldn't let go, couldn't let it sweep me away. Maybe I'm afraid of what will happen if I let that wanton whore all the way out of her cage. Maybe I'm afraid she'll run rampant on my life.
Which is strange...Because maybe I can't control her...But He can.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Just maybe...

Alpha may have gotten a contract for work...It would just be for a couple of months, but it would be enough for me to quit my job and look for different work when winter rolls around. I'm almost afraid to type out the words in case it doesn't come through...But Gods do we need it. The financial realities aside, He needs to be out working and feeling accomplished because it's part of who He is. And me? I need a break, I need some time where He's the only person who can tell me what do to and how to schedule my life, some time watch our little monsters grow and to think about possibly going back to school. And I'm afraid to jinx it by typing out the words...But maybe, just maybe...He's got work and I get to be back home for a while. Barefoot and not pregnant suits me just fine lol.

Monday, August 8, 2011

Closer than skin will allow

We were curled up in bed last night and I was thinking about how much I love that feeling--those times when we become closer than our skin will allow.
I am looking for words to describe something beyond them...

To what purpose do we live the experience of ttwd? Because it reaches some deep seated need in our beings, because it is just a part of who we are? Because it deepens and enhances our relationships? Because it frees a part of ourselves and feels good? Is it a tool for growth which, like any tool, can be destructive as it is constructive? Because it brings us closer than our skin will allow...

I think that, for us, it is maybe all of the above. And perhaps over time those reasons will continue to evolve.

Imho, because ttwd strips away so much of the superficial aspects of ourselves, it allows us to be closer to another person than possible with purely physical intimacy. There is an unparalleled opening and exchange of energy. It brings us closer not only to each other, but to that Universal source of all that is. Ttwd becomes an altered state of mind where skin itself no longer separates us.

We use the physical intimacy of ttwd to transcend and go beyond the physical aspects of our connection.

Everything that exists is energy--matter is simply energy in form. And consciousness is a tool for directing and controlling energy. It is the deliberation of purpose when Alpha looks into my eyes and makes a move, His focus on that moment and the energy between us; as well as my openness to Him, that defines the energetic exchange between us. It defines that moment and what it will become.

Experiences I had before taught me how to shut off. How to send my mind away from what was happening to my body and avoid...Really being there at all. Once you get into the habit of separating your mind from your body, it's really hard to reestablish that connection and stay in the moment--even if it's a good experience.
I don't do that any more. Just like He can tell if I'm not in space, He knows if I'm not home and calls me back to Him immediately. Because when you distance your mind like that, you cannot ever truly be close. It makes intimacy impossible.
And isn't that so much of what ttwd is about, closeness, that intimacy, the unrivaled connection with another human being?

I can't really find words to define it. But I love those moments in our space--when we are closer than skin will allow.

Sunday, August 7, 2011


I got a comment from Mindset on the Banana Bread post and her word verification was submsk. She mentioned "the submissive masks we put on for them daily." This got me to thinking about the many masks we all wear for various reasons.
To be clear, I'm not dissing on Mindset's comment--after all, she inspired a post and I have been a bit low on inspiration lately.

Now, there are those times I submit when I really don't want to submit but I do it anyways. Is that a mask? I don't think it is because I'm usually pretty vocal with my objections lol.

The natural evolution of the thought process was (so what if my "natural" appears to be rather abnormal), is submission a mask? Or at least, can it be? You could use it as a mask I suppose...But then it wouldn't really be submission any more would it?

Which of course led to...Thinking about one of the things I love most about ttwd.

There are no masks. Different hats perhaps, but no masks. Everything we are in that moment of His Dominance and my submission is from under the surface of ourselves. It is us without filters, exposing who we are and can be from the depths of that eternal abyss of being. It strips away the masks, the weight of the daily grind, the faces we put on for the people around us.

Ttwd at its most blatant strips away all pretenses of things that we think really matter. In a mild way, it's a bit like birth and death--those are the places where the body functions without the constraints of embarrassment and propriety, and the mind has no room for the menial problems that tend to swallow our daily lives. All that matters is that moment and the person you are sharing it with. Whether it be the first moment life takes a breath, or its last exhale before death, or ttwd in between--these moments bare the soul enough to be closer than our skin will allow.

When you take away the constraints and beliefs of humanity, the expectations of society, the expectations of who and what we should be, the masks we wear every day; we are simply blood, sweat, tears, piss. We are untamed minds swimming in the infinite abyss.
Nowhere do you see these things like in the moments of birth or death. And in ttwd.

And further down still? We are simply energy given the amazing gift of experience.

Saturday, August 6, 2011

Eden Fantasys review--Emerald explorer

This time it was Alpha's turn to pick the Eden Fantasys toy for review. Naturally, being an ass man, He wanted to see anal toys. So the rep sent us a nice selection of options (I ask to see kink toys, I get a nice little selection, He asks for anal toys and they send Him 15 friggin options! Sadists!). Anyways, I had my eye on a nice painless looking little toy, but He chose the Emerald Explorer which did seem a little bit more daunting to me. He may be an ass man, but I'm not brave about it lol. Really, it's not scary though. I actually like it. A lot.

It's our very first glass toy and I'm really liking glass as an anal toy--much more so than plastic based toys. For one thing, I don't like cheap plastic crap, and even if plastic based products aren't cheap, they remind me of kids toys and your cleaning options can be pretty limited.

As usual, it arrived in totally discreet packaging which is always a consideration when you get sex toys in the mail. After all, nobody wants to get a box with "this is a product designed to go up my ass" plastered all over it. It comes in a cute little velvet bag for storage which I thought was cool because I'm a sucker for nifty stuff like that. And, well, the toy itself is just downright pretty lol.

The insertable length is 4 1/2 inches, though I have to admit that it felt like more lol. The handle is very convenient for motion and gives it a big plus over all the other anal toys we have because it's really easy to control. It is made out of pyrex (like glass cooking bowls and bake-ware), so it's sturdy, more resistant to breakage than regular glass, and is quite easy to clean. If you like to play with temperature, you can heat it up or cool it down to your preference (though the first time He comes after me with it fresh out of the freezer, I'm staging a mutiny). Just a note though--never take anything glass directly out of cold and into high heat. I once managed to break a glass baking dish by taking it from the fridge straight to a pre-heated oven. So while pyrex is quite versatile and sturdy, it is not immune to breakage.

I accidentally dropped this toy on the floor when it was all of two days old (wouldn't recommend trying it as an experiment lol), and I was sure I had broken it. After careful inspection, I realized that it didn't have so much as a mark on the glass. So it is deceptively strong. Though like I said, I wouldn't test the theory for fun--even a minor chip could have some painful consequences.

It is completely seamless and the bulges are graduated in size so you kind of get to work your way up as it goes in. This was my first experience with anything shaped like this and I really enjoyed the bulges, that little space between, and the way they change size. The largest bulge is 1 1/2 inches so overall, the size is comfortable. Being glass, it has a smooth texture that just doesn't come with plastic products. There's no creed that states the Emerald Explorer can only be used as an anal toy--I haven't tried it, but I'm sure it would be enjoyable vaginally as well.

Overall, I am really happy with this toy and am enjoying my introduction to the world of glass. I think that people who aren't experienced with anal play would enjoy this product because it is moderately sized and easy to control.

As a side note, I wasn't thrilled with the last item I got from Eden Fantasys and my review reflected it.
After that, I was sure they would say "bye, we don't want you reviewing for us anymore." The amazing thing is--there was no criticism of my review, I got an apology for getting a product I wasn't happy with (felt a bit guilty about that), and the rep asked if I would like to do another review.
I was actually really impressed by this. I think Eden Fantasys is an upstanding company that strives to provide quality products. And they really do want completely honest reviews.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Who makes the Banana Bread?

Ironically, I was talking about cooking the other day, and what got me in trouble? Cooking.

He wanted banana bread. I didn't want to make it. We horsed around on the couch for a minute...And I knew that I should go make it. Then, the most insane words came out of my mouth, "we don't have the kind of relationship where I make the banana bread! You can make banana bread too!"

As I said it, I felt as if I was staring incredulously at myself saying "WTF?!"

And that particular look spread across His face...The one that says "you are in such deep shit. I cannot believe those words came out of your mouth!" In all fairness, I was just as stunned as He.

None of the earth shattering things He could have done in that moment occured besides that look getting considerably closer in an amazingly fast manner. But the stupid floor still dropped out from under me--I started to giggle. And then I started to cry. He kissed me. And I made banana bread.

We have the kind of relationship where I make the banana bread.

And I wouldn't have it any other way.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Being in control

 Just for the record...I'm not entirely sure this post makes any sense at all...

So when I'm feeling bitter about having to do something I don't want to, I occasionally make statements like "I wish I was in charge, then you'd see!" For the record, such thoughts are best run carefully through that ever elusive brain-to-mouth filtering system that so often malfunctions on me. They are unwise at best lol.

Anyways, I can be a teensy weensy bit of a control freak (don't choke on your drink. Nothing wrong with occasionally understating things). Control is one of the biggest ways we assert influence on our lives, how we determine the direction circumstances take and direct the outcome to be what we want.

As a kid, being in control sounded great. It was a concept of the freedom to direct life in any direction I wanted and to take over the world. As an adult in a power exchange relationship I have come to see it in a slightly different light.

Control equals responsibility.  And responsibility can be brutal. As a couple we are a team and we make life decisions together. He asks for my input and takes it into consideration. Occasionally He disagrees and goes another route. Which hasn't always worked out. Of course, there have been times when He went the direction I wanted and it was completely disastrous as well. Things like this tend to lead to little identity crisis for the person responsible for the decision.

"My blog had an identity crisis babe."
"You're having an identity crisis."
"Umm, no, I said my blog is having an identity crisis."
The eyebrow went up and He looked at me like I was deaf.
"That's what I said, You're having an identity crisis."
"Oh pfbt, fine."

That doesn't really fit in here does it? Perhaps I should have called my blog "the random nonsensical ramblings of an insane submissive."

Over the last couple of years Alpha made some decisions that had less than desirable consequences. Some of them were decisions I pushed for, some were ones I disagreed with. In the end? He feels that they were all His because He was the one in control. I would like to see Him get back to that place where He no longer second guesses His decisions. Admittedly easier said than done when you have a sub who is constantly questioning the validity of said decisions (I did say introspection was a bitch right?). Hey, I'm working on it.

The thing is, being in control is not a piece of cake. Those who are most power hungry often make the poorest leaders because they lack the caring and ability to analyze the possible consequences of their decisions.
This thought process is the one thing I often find missing when I read the writings of new Dominants--the realization that being in control means being responsible for the outcome of your decisions and it's impacts on the person you are leading.

So before you decide you want to be in control of someone else's life? Be first and foremost in control of yourself and take a moment to think about what it really means. Because being in control is not a piece of cake.

And when you aren't the one in control, I feel it's a public service to say "think twice before making damning statements about being the one in charge because someone else is wielding those painful implements!"

Monday, August 1, 2011

Given but not offered

I was thinking about something that I'm not particularly fond of admitting to myself. Therefor, it naturally hasn't made much appearance on my blog lol.

For the most part, I require some kind of force to submit. My submission to Alpha is, (almost, ahem) always given--but rarely offered.

And I was thinking about that particular subject in my closet when Alpha inserted His finger into my collar and began towing me towards the bathroom (I complied in complete grace I assure you). This can only mean a couple of things (He's getting a blow job or I'm getting a "shower"), so when He let go at the step to navigate His way over the dog? This beautiful opportunity to bolt presented itself...The temptation was strong and I must admit to pausing and weighing my options. Perhaps I temporarily lost my mind, or maybe because of what I had been thinking about, I went without protest (hey, making "pretty please...nooo" eyes does Not count).

And...Well, since Alpha was on the receiving end I would have to ask Him, but I thought it was pretty damn good (ask for an evaluation of my performance?! I must be going off the deep end). But I think it all began with that little item in my closet I don't like to think about much.

We have both gotten to that point far beyond stress where after a while He just wants my submission to be offered...or perhaps doesn't really reach for it because I'm predictably porcupine-like and He's tired...Then eventually He gets tired of waiting and I pay dearly in some way, we fall back into the abyss, and life goes on.

I know He finds complete and constant submission boring...But I also know that He wishes I would offer it more than I do, that He didn't have to push for it when He wants it. Because after all, it's already His right?

And I sometimes wonder, why my submission is often given, but rarely offered.

Self improvement is a real pain in the ass lol.