Thursday, March 27, 2014

Some Questions of Adapting to the D/s Dynamic

A question from Rose Petals:

My husband and I recently began our journey into the world of D/s and BDSM. I was the one who asked for it. Although my husband has a naturally dominant personality he has always been a very tender lover. So, when I've asked how he feels about some of the BDSM elements we've tried he says it doesn't really do much for him. That he's doing it for me. Naturally, as a sub, this doesn't work for me. Reading what Alpha said to you in the shower gives me hope, though, that someday he will begin to enjoy the control aspect.
My husband has been taking things very slowly because a lot of this goes against conventional marriage dynamics and, therefore, makes him a little uncomfortable. He is having to gradually acclimate himself to this new climate within our relationship? How was Alpha in the beginning? Did he struggle with implementing this new dynamic (i.e. control, assertiveness)? Do you feel like you have reached a stable point or do you continue to improve and go deeper into the lifestyle? Also, I would love to hear more about how you maintain your D/s dynamic in front of the kids.

I was kinda thinking about this whole thing after scrolling through Facebook yesterday--real men don't hit women, real men don't hurt women, real men don't try to control women, real men take care of their women, etc.
Most good men are ingrained with these concepts from a very early age, and for a very long time. Part of it, I think, is this idea that one cannot deliberately control someone and/or cause them pain and take care of them at the same time. It can be really difficult to set aside a lifetime of (admittedly valuable) conditioning.

Alpha in the beginning...He took it extremely slow. So slow I was sure that I was going to die of old age before anything huge and exciting happened. In retrospect I think that a huge part of ttwd is adopting to the pace set by one's Dominant.
I have also learned that those big exciting things are merely an expression of all the little things which make up D/s, and without the accumulation of little things, those big events are not what we build them up to be in our heads.

From the very beginning of our explorations, Alpha's "True kink" has been control, and he has always been assertive within our relationship. I don't think that he really struggled with implementing the dynamic as far as assertiveness and control, but I do think that there are struggles inherent in Dominance. Struggles like when and how it's best to assert control and push, how far, etc.

I do feel like we have reached a stable point, but I don't think that stability is exclusive of continuing to improve and go deeper into the lifestyle. We have a really solid foundation of power exchange at this point, but I think that merely gives us the tools to go deeper and continue improving, as opposed to providing a point to stop growing.

As to maintaining the D/s dynamic in front of kids, I did do a post answering that general line of questioning. It can be found here.
Beyond that, we have a pretty playful dynamic in front of the kids--he'll be bossy, I'll be cheeky, we'll both laugh, and he swats my butt and gets what he wants. I think you just kind of incorporate D/s into who you are and try to get some alone time for more...
After a while, D/s is a bit like blood--it's always there sustaining you and flowing under the surface, but its true colors can't actually be seen by the casual observer.
Often, it really is as simple as him asking for a cup of coffee please, and me saying, "Sure babe".

Thank you, Rose Petals, for the questions. I hope that I answered them adequately.

I am always happy to be given inspiration for writing, so I welcome questions and/or answers. Not just in March.

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Because That is What He Does

This post was going to be titled Bigoted Baptist Bitches, but believe it or not, there are limits to the amount of continuous complaining that I am willing to put up with from myself. That nice catchy title shall have to wait for another day.

I know that there will always be a roof over my head, electricity when I flip a light switch, and the necessities that my kids and I need, because that is what he does.
I wake up each morning knowing that there will be food for the dinner I make, and a vehicle to get me where I need to go. Because that is what he does.
When the world is falling apart, and my sky is torn asunder, he is there. And I know, that no matter what, if he tells me that it is going to be okay, it will be.

My entire adult life has been shaped around the fact that he will take care of whatever needs to be taken care of. Because that is what he does.

I used to think that this made me weak, and perhaps it does...In the way that only that which matters most can destroy you. In the way of opening the door and inviting in one's own demise...

It's true you know, it's not the day-to-day living, or the big huge terrible things that happen in life which destroy us--it is the people we let in. I mean, truly let in. Into the cracks in our souls, the place between nightmares and dreams.
In a way they fill that space between us and what we perceive as God, becoming our connection to ourselves, and the windows through which we perceive the world. Yes, it is only and always that which matters most which can truly destroy us...

It is jumping if he says to...Because I believe.

There was a time in my life when this scared me. I was so terribly afraid that I could not survive without him, simply because I did not know how. I have since learned that it is possible to survive anything that doesn't actually kill you. Having the will and desire to do so however...Now there is a different story completely.

I don't know where exactly I was going with this post, and I am sure that here is not where I intended to end up, but that's okay.

I learned long ago that I can rely only on him. Because that is what he does.

And so I reached for my destruction, opened the door and invited in my own demise. Knowing that I will always believe him when he says that he will make everything okay.
And so I glory in the catastrophic weakness of knowing that which matters most can destroy me, because  my life is okay as long as he says that it is. Because that is what he does.

Monday, March 24, 2014


I didn't mean to break the damn cup, really! It was just right there where it shouldn't have been, and took a flying leap all on its own. I'm not exactly sure how it happened!
I'm going to have a conniption if it's replaced by a smaller model...

Sunday, March 23, 2014

That Damn Book!

It's not always easy to get this whole slave thing right. In fact, I used to accuse him of setting me up for failure...

There's never really a good time to talk around here these days. Seriously, between homeschooling, the size of our house, weather, and sickness, there are always children nearby. And he's always...Busy.

It's been like a month since I updated the book, I did write up the "new" rules, and then panicked about turning it in (slow one here). I thought about it too much. And then thought about it some more.
So last night, at like ten when the kids were asleep, I finally brought him the damn book. 

His words were something to the effect of my waiting until he was the least receptive to finally present him with the changes. I put it up.

Polite words fail me.

Why stress so much about the damn book in the first place? Well, because there are consequences for not updating it. Consequence's which are often compounded by the seemingly inevitable habit of accumulating marks simply by not writing in the book. Then I don't pay as much attention to what I'm supposed to be doing which means I don't do what I'm supposed to and then I eventually get in trouble. Like saved up "I'd kick you if I could, you're a horrible mean man" kind of trouble.

Having to edit the book myself though...I had to write it out and look at it a lot. Honestly, I made very few changes. But! I have to live with this. Chances are that he will accept it and add more (I am quite suspicious of what he might add). But...Did I mention that this is my life?

Maybe he figures it's my life too and he doesn't want to make any decisions about it at 10:00 at night when he's trying to go to sleep on the floor. Whatever.

Saturday, March 22, 2014

Reality: 10, lil: 0

I'm seriously about to start following my eldest child around with a bottle of hand sanitizer in public. Been sick every month this year, for fucks sake! And my car broke down yesterday, and, and, and...

Uh huh

In other unrelated news, I seem find myself developing an annoying sense of loneliness. I'm seeing and interacting with far more people than I am used to (yes, I do hate people, and I am also no good with them whatsoever). It sounds silly, but I think that is contributing to the feeling.

I must admit, sometimes I miss that whole "pick up the phone and give a girlfriend a call to commiserate about life" thing...It has been nearly four years since I had a friend that I could sit down to coffee with. She turned out to be a psychotic back-stabbing bitch, but I digress. Well, I would be if I actually had a point...

We didn't get our night this month, with kiddo bringing home yet another fucking child-born plague and all. And that's okay. But it's kind of a shame because...Well because sometimes life is so much that it takes a lot to make it fade away for a moment.

People...I'm having to interact with people because of club, and I have to say--they haven't improved with time off. I was limping my car to the mechanic's yesterday, when some idiot pulled out in front of me. I honked, and the passenger rolled down her window and started cussing me out. I deserve some kind of award for not pulling over and dragging her out of the window.

Uh huh. True colors are starting to show. Nods* this is why I can't ride across the country in a bus full of kids with their snooty-ass parents.

I want to be this guy, just 'cuz fuck you assholes

Awesome, right?

On the bright side, I won two games against kiddo the other day. Oh yea--he's gotten to the point where I wonder before every game: Will this be the last one I win, or the first in a lifetime of continuous losses? Did I mention that I won twice in a row? Poor dude, he was mad.

Oh, and, yea...Um, the book? I Did it like I was supposed to and was too chicken to hand it over. And I wrote it all on the next consecutive page. It's become one of those things where the consequences are...Eek. And the more I put it off, the worse it's going to be, but, EEK! So it's hard to be in a hurry...Especially since, well yea...It was an honest revision.

Sigh* I know what I need, and it's probably not pretty...

Words rivaled only by "Breathe"...

Thursday, March 20, 2014

Inside My Mind

A couple of days ago, I found myself doing something that I haven't done in a very long time. Searching around for readable smut. My Google history reads like a dark walk of shame at the moment, and I remembered why I quit reading stuff that gets me off--because we had reached the point in our power exchange where I would have to tell him what I was reading, or quit reading it.

Yep, I would have rather quit than admit to most some of the things that turn me on.

Honestly, I don't think I could watch most of the stuff that gets me hot to read. I just wouldn't want to.

I found myself dazing off into space, thinking about how twisted and strange I find some of the things that make me hot and bothered, when something else began bothering me...
It's odd
and it sounds kinda
I had to tell him that I had been reading porn.
And I really
really didn't want him to ask what I had been reading about.
It has been a very long time since I felt so uncomfortable under his gaze. I mean, crawling out of my skin to go hide under a rock kind of uncomfortable.
And for that moment, he let it go--He did not ask what I had been reading that made me so squirmy. But he won't let it go forever.
He's an interesting man to live with. Often, he will barely respond to the most disturbing of admissions. At most he will become somewhat aloof and cold, which is scary and incredibly hot in a scary kind of way. Then at some later date in time...Days, weeks, months, a year, he will approach me with that cold aloof air. And everything comes back. In that moment, he takes away private thought, he wants to crawl around in my mind, he wants to know every little detail, and he will have what he wants.

I wonder if that is one of the things that has made me how I am today--feeling like I have to tell him what I'm putting into my mind. As if asking permission for what goes into and comes out of my body isn't enough...He doesn't just want to see, to know, to strip me down and invade completely--he wants me to look inside, to look him in the eyes, to accept, and admit...

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Revising the Book

I'm too lazy to find it, but not to long ago, I wrote a post mentioning wanting to revise my punishment book. He agreed, and never mentioned it again.
Long story short, he expects me to do an honest revision and submit it to him.
Now is a good time to mention that I haven't written in the book as it is for some time. Reckoning is always a bitch, especially after a certain length of time has passed. But, um...I have to revise it first.

So anyways, it's stressing me out. The book is...My issues. It's the rules and expectations that I struggle with, fall flat on, or seem to require reinforcement with. Or sometimes its just about shit that's good for me that I should do.
I have to revise it honestly?!
Picky picky.
That's hard.

So what happens if I revise it, submit it, he approves, and I totally hate living what I have done to myself?

I hate asking for things, I have never been able to tell him what I like when we're in bed, and I tend to prefer taking the view that I'm doing as he makes me do.

He has put me in a position where I have to honestly list what structure and expectations I believe I need to/should live with on a daily basis. And I don't want to. We both know that it will probably be more stringent than he would suggest, and then when I struggle against the restrictions of my own mind used against me, he will just shrug and point out that I asked for this. He simply gave me what I said I needed.
He will never mention ideas rejected or modified to suit his desires...And we will both know that he made me ask for things which I will most likely beg to be free of.
Because he wanted honesty
and I gave it.
We both know what I am
we both know what I need
no longer will he allow me to pretend ignorance of my own desires
no longer will he allow me to act as if I know not the level of control under which I thrive.

This is dangerous water for me, this honest self assessment of my needs. Perhaps he will decide it is too much, perhaps he will decide that it is not enough. Either way, he will have made me ask for things which I never wanted to admit that I desired or needed in my daily life.

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Q & A--Alpha's Turn

From Misty:
Did you ever struggle with inflicting pain on lil? If so, did that just take time to change? Was there something lil did that helped you move past know, besides how her body reacted to it? 
It is still a struggle, realizing that her need to be in her place far overwhelms my squeamishness about the issue, and it is a constant struggle to find the line between too little, and too much. Sometimes her attitude just necessitates the use of pain...
But uh, you like it...
Well, yea. So my snark has actually been helpful! *Snort*, oh yes--after a certain amount of snark, it becomes quite pleasurable.
lil's commentary on this one ends here. Lol.

From blonde:
When did you realize that you and Lil would be together for the rest of your lives?
One night about fifteen years ago when we were sleeping out in the garden and we had a conversation about our future and having kids...Everything's worked out pretty much exactly like that too...
For me, that night is one of those memories that is kind of like a dream--I couldn't tell you exactly what we talked about, or pick out any specific moments, but I distinctly remember the feeling of being with him...Dunno, it was one of those nights that had magical/drug like qualities without the drugs.

And finally, what do you like most about Lil?
His response was exceptionally corny, but he refused to reconsider because I don't get to decide what he likes about me. Go figure. "The twinkle in her eyes." What can I say, he likes me happy. I would have thought that it would be my astounding wit or grabbable ass, but no....Alas, he wants me neither for my mind, or for my body.

From tori:
What pleases you the most about lil's submission?
Ooh, I like this one!
When it feels...Right. Like everything in the universe is right. There is equilibrium and it feels peaceful.
I would say that he skirted the issue--this really gives me nothing to go on.

Sunday, March 16, 2014

Nature Versus Nurture

A while back tori put forth a topic which has kind of been floating around in the recesses of my mind, and I wanted to bring it out to play.

"Can one be a born/natural submissive? is there a difference? nature versus nurture?

I do think that one can be born/natural submissive.
I do believe that there is a difference.
This may be long...

I'd like to take a moment to acknowledge the controversy that seems to accompany this subject, because I'm not looking for a round of Blogland drama or trying to ruffle up anyone's feelings. These are my opinions, and I don't expect that everyone, or indeed perhaps anyone, will agree with them. 

There seems to be some misconception among some of those who subscribe to the theory of the "natural" submissive--that they are somehow better, that ttwd comes easier, that they are "more submissive than thou". This attitude irritates me to no end, because frankly, I think it's a crock of shit.
In turn, there is often a criticism of those who identify as natural submissives--as if by identifying as such, they feel that they are better, that their submission is more valuable, and that they look down on those who are not. Having been on the receiving end of this attitude, I have to admit that it makes me pretty angry.
And just to be perfectly clear about how I feel...Anybody who can say, with a straight face, that they are better than someone else because they are a "natural submissive", deserves to be smacked upside the head. Conversely, it is often those who are products of circumstance who claim to be "natural submissives", and behave as if they are somehow better because of it.

So, there's that.

I kind of tend to take issue with the term "natural submissive" because it makes it sound like someone who never ever struggles. We all struggle at different times and in varying degrees. No matter how or why we do ttwd.

Maybe I'll stick with the terms born and circumstantial...

I think that there are big differences between the born submissive and the circumstantial submissive, yet that both will often share the same struggles. And really, I'm not sure that it isn't perfectly reasonable to say that one person could be a victim of both circumstance and birth.

I believe that those who were born this way, while not necessarily displaying submissive character traits throughout their lives, will always eventually reach a point where happiness is impossible without some form of D/s. 
It's not something one can choose to walk away from because, while it is possible to deny one's true self, you can never really just make it not be. I think that if we're born this way, submission becomes a need that surpasses our ideals of desire. The need unexpressed will eventually consume the born submissive.
It's inside always reaching for its Dominant counterpart, always searching for a way out, always whispering its need. There under the surface always. No matter what we do, who we are, how we live, or who we live with--we can hold it back, but we can never truly kill it off. While we may always have a choice, we can't choose or not choose submission because it is at the core of who we are and always will be.

We will always know that it is impossible to live, to truly live, without D/s. Because without it, we merely exist.

That's not to say that the born submissive is good at submission, that she doesn't have to learn and grow, adapt to her Dominant, or ever struggle with what it truly means to be owned. Just because something is innate, does not mean that it comes easy.

In my opinion, along the way, the circumstantial submissive learns that she is drawn to the submissive experience. Yet, she can walk away from D/s. The circumstantial submissive submits, desires, craves, and walks along just like the born submissive. Yet...She can be okay without it. Submission is part of who she is, but her identity as a human being isn't inextricably entwined in it.
Perhaps she wants and craves submission so much that she comes to need it. Submission becomes a part of her and her life. But it doesn't have to be. While it can become a part of who she is, submission is...Optional.

I do believe that one can be born submissive, and that there are rather large variances between nature and nurture. Both are, and lead to, a life experience unique to the individual.

Thursday, March 13, 2014

Q & A 8, Some Fun stuff

From Danae, a question and an answer (a nice rarity),

"Well to answer your question...I started the March question of the month I think in 2007 in BDSM blogosphere. I saw a vanilla blog doing it and no one in the BDSM blogs were doing it so I started it. It took off. I haven't participated for several years, but hope next year to join back in.

Questions for you for March Question Month: What is your favorite color? favorite food? favorite book? favorite toy?" 

My favorite color is green. It matches my eyes, and having grown up in the woods, I find it to be...Comfortable.

Favorite food...
Hmmm...Oh...I can't decide...Generally speaking, my favorite foods tend to be those which I do not have to make myself. Dunno...There's a local restaurant that has a creole shrimp dish which I spend a fair amount of time fantasizing about...Then again...There's always chocolate...Or steak, steak is always good...

Favorite book. Omg, this one is going to kill me. I have to choose just one?? Um...It changes, I guess. I'm going to have to go with Outlander, by Diana Gabaldon. I read it a few years ago, and have yet to find a literary experience to overshadow it. Though technically, the whole series was awesome...

Favorite toy...See, it's questions like these which highlight my irritating bent towards indecisiveness.
My favorite toy is the knife. Any knife, really. The scarier the better though...Can't help it--damn thing melts me into a puddle of goo.
And just because Alpha insists that knives aren't toys, I suppose I should mention that I very much love to hate the hook. It's too much and I'll do my best to beg out of it...But it's good. Really good.

Thank you for the questions, and the answer!

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

Q & A 7, Light-bulb Moments & A Day Off

From tori:
"When you first started out was there any particular 'lightbulb moments' where upon you realized this was not pretend, were and are actually living it?....does that make sense?"

Oh geez, this is a really good question, and I'm too much of an airhead to be able to give it a good answer.
Many of my lightbulb moments come at the most inopportune of times, and can be extremely difficult to recall. I don't remember any moments specifically, but I do remember the feeling of reality striking. I hate to admit it, but they still happen sometimes.
It's a really overwhelming feeling, especially in the beginning, because theory and ideas are so different from actually living something, it can be kinda painful when concept collides with concrete. At the same time though, it's exhilarating, to say the least...
I really didn't do your question justice. Sorry!

From geekie kittie:
"How would you REALLY feel, if you were given a day "off" ... to not bend to his will ... to be "free" .. just for the day?"

Hmm, I think this is an interesting question, though I'm afraid that it is going to get a terribly boring answer.
For one, it's a difficult concept for me to wrap my mind around. I mean, really believe. Because...Hmm, this might be boring and confusing. Bear with me (no baring please).

I don't know how I would really feel if I was given a day off, because I don't believe that it is really possible.
Sure, there could be such a day, where all the "Rules" didn't apply--do whatever I want, pee whenever I want, under no circumstances check the mail, go find a boytoy, whatever. Lol.

But I couldn't. Because his will is not something that's outside of me anymore. I can't take a day off from being myself. And there is always tomorrow and the lifetime after that...
I cannot be free from who and what I am. I am always his. I could, theoretically, do whatever I wanted for a day, but I still wouldn't be free. My life has been built around his control in one form or fashion, for more than half of the time I have been alive.

A day to do whatever I want? Good times. I'll be living on coffee and massages. Don't wake me up from my nap and the cucumber slices on my eyes will only be eaten by me, thank you very much. I'm happy.
A day of true freedom would be the most awful feeling in the world. I think we have gotten to the point where that only happens if one of us is dead.

I promise to try and get together the post of questions for Alpha soon--I was supposed to post it today, but I forgot to talk to him last night. My bad.

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Q & A Six--An Uncomfortable Question of History

Alright, this one is from ksst, and I'm going to be honest here: There are aspect of this question that I don't like one bit. In fact, I rather hate this question. Lol. Mostly because that time in my life sucked monkey butts and I'm not proud of my behavior. However, it was a legitimate and genuine question that deserves a post of its own.

"I'm very intrigued by his reaction to discovering you were playing around with D/s online. What were some of the rules he first implemented with you? Did he immediately declare you were his submissive? What was your reaction to that, if so? Or did it take a little bit of time before you both began calling it D/s?

Did you ever ask to have any particular rules instituted? How did he react? Was there any hindsight is 20/20 on that?" 

When he discovered that I was playing around online, he was royally pissed. He had asked at some point, you see--if I was screwing around, and I had lied. Repeatedly.
Our relationship had been a mess for some time at that point. Really, the year leading up to that was the worst time ever in our relationship, and we had seriously discussed going our separate ways. I make it sounds like a civil discussion, but it wasn't. None of it.

He said that if I wanted to submit, I would submit to him, and only him. I didn't want to. Online was easy. It didn't really matter to me if I pleased anyone, or actually did as I was told--when it came right down to it, I could do whatever the hell I wanted. If he was going to Dominate me, in our house, in real life, for realz...That was a scary thought because I knew it would be different.
Part of me was afraid that he would find out that I was more twisted than he knew, and couldn't handle it. Mostly though, I was afraid it would be real and I would have to actually submit, as opposed to just playing at it when the mood struck me. Yet...I did want it. I wanted it in a way that I was unfamiliar with wanting anything.

We started out strictly bedroom. I think this worked for a few reasons--the learning curve went better than it might have if we had just jumped all in, I wasn't really in a place to do as he told me outside of the bedroom, he was terribly pissed off at me, and did I mention that we were a real mess? I think that I was incapable of submitting outside of the bedroom a that point. One has to...Give over and give in. And I wasn't going to do that. Until I asked to expand beyond the bedroom, but then maybe we already had before I asked...

First rules...No lying. No contact with other Dominants. No online interactions at all, really--read but don't speak, basically.
I think that a few years went by before I typed one word online.
While I did a lot of silent reading, the start of this blog was the first time in years that I had uttered a word online.

I have, in fact, asked for certain rules to be instated. Sometimes he will institute them, and other times he will ignore the request completely. Then there are the times when he ignores it, then six months later, bam--there the damn thing is. That's usually because he felt that I wasn't initially ready for something.

There has been some hindsight is 20/20 in that, yes.
For one thing, there's absolutely no point in having and following a rule if it isn't in some way important to him. Even the rules that are just for me are there because he personally feels they are important in some way. I no longer feel that his implementing a rule which was my idea means that it's not important to him, because I know that he wouldn't even consider it if he didn't find it meaningful/important. I also now know that he won't implement a rule if he feels that I am not ready for it.
For two, one has to carefully consider how it will actually work if a rule is asked for and becomes a reality. Having a meltdown and falling on my face is never pretty. Especially if the whole crux of the matter is something that I asked for in the first place. And then, what happens if you ask for it, but it turns out that you hate living it?
I think that there will actually be more here on this concept soon because of circumstances around revising the book.

I hope that I have adequately answered your questions ksst. I am sorry that I didn't respond directly and clearly to all of your queries, but these memories are like a story to me, and I think that sometimes a little bit of the story is the best way to reach the answer.

Monday, March 10, 2014

Un-slavey Feelings--Resentment?

We interrupt our regularly scheduled programming to bring you another nonsensical ramble from lil and her issues. Today's topic comes to you courtesy of an emotion known as resentment.

"I don't want to be good...Sometimes I resent it so much--the things you want me to do, doing as I'm told, not being in control..."

It's true. Sometimes I resent this power imbalance with all of my cold little heart.

"I know. That's okay." He replied, kissing my forehead.

Ever the over-thinker, I of course, asked why. I mean, how is that "Okay"?

"Because it shows that you are bending to my will. You resent it, yes, but you do it anyways because you are mine."

I had to think about this. You see, I always thought that resentment as a bad thing--I mean, it's not exactly gracious slaviness now, is it?
I certainly don't feel resentful all of the time, but when I do, I feel like I shouldn't. It had never occurred to me to view it as an acceptable, even desirable feeling.

Resentment is defined as,  "a feeling of indignant displeasure or persistent ill will at something regarded as a wrong, insult, or injury"

Hmmm...And he's okay with that?
Because regardless of the emotion I'm feeling, or the situation of the moment, I will do as he wishes. I will eventually bend to his will. Always.
And it's easy isn't it, when the feelings are nice and you want to do what they want, even if only because they want it.
I'm not even always accepting of making that cup of coffee right now, (seriously, he has legs!) let alone happy about it. There's lots of silly little things in daily life, and it's just because he can. They aren't a big deal for me, but sometimes that feeling builds...And it becomes resentment. 
And he pushes, sometime he'll even go out of his damn way just to provoke me.

Eventually, I will burst and the rudest of words will come out of my mouth, paving the way for how I really feel. Which isn't pretty.
He smiles that beautiful sweet smile
and grabs me by the throat
leaning in he whispers
that however I really feel is quite alright
because I will always, inevitably bend to his will regardless of those feelings.
And sometimes it's better that I hate it in the moment, that I resent what is asked of me, 
that I struggle against his bonds because the bending is that much sweeter, and sometimes, the meaning becomes even deeper.

In that moment, struggling quietly for air, when he's staring into my eyes and it's okay to hate him just a little bit, in that moment, all of those things I felt disappear.
All I know is need for that peaceful sense of pleasing
all I know is that, no matter how much I resent it, being a slave to him is what makes me happy.
And often that means being a slave to his whims. Even when they are irrational and irritating.

When he smiles that beautifully dangerous smile, and I can feel the inevitability of his will wrapping around my soul...Then is when I know that I no longer need my walls, because the cage of his will is going to keep me safe. And this is why I accept whatever forms his control takes.

Sunday, March 9, 2014

Q & A Round Five--The Cup, A How, and...

From mc kitten:
I'd love to know more about the peeing in the cup every morning thing -what's all that about, control, presumably? Do you just have to go off and do it and then show him, or do it in front of him, or does he hold it and you have to hope your aim isn't off, or what?!

I really wanted to leave her hanging for a few days, but it turns out I couldn't come up with something else to write about, so there goes the suspense.

I hate the cup. Seriously, who pees in a cup for any reason besides being prodded by doctors, or drug tested by suspicious employers??
I'm tempted to say that he's an ass and that's what it's about--sounds about right from my end...However; yes, it's about control. And the fact that I hate it so much merely seems to contribute to the validity of this insanely cruel abuse of power.
I always have to pee as soon as I get up. In fact, I am usually up just because of that reason. So it's one of his little ways of digging in the claws without ever even having to open his eyes.

I stumble out of bed and do it in front of him. Yes, aim is important--no one wants to start the day by scrubbing the bedroom floor.
Have I mentioned how very much I hate this rule? He said it was temporary, and if I could behave it might go away. It's been nearly a year now (I think) and the damn cup is still here. Draw your own conclusions about my behavior or his cruelty. Hmph.

A question from litle girl:
How was the idea of D/s brought into your relationship? Who's idea was it and what was the other person's initial reaction?

I have briefly covered this topic on the Our Story page, and elsewhere here, mostly towards the beginning of the blog in it's ancient history (four is old until you turn five. I know this because my five year old said so. *Nods).
I discovered D/s in chat rooms and began experimenting online on my own. I didn't bring it up with him partly because I was afraid that he would think I was too twisted, but mostly because I was afraid he would go for it and it would be...More real than I could handle.
Long story short, he caught me and decided that if I was interested in D/s, it would be only with him. There was really none of that lovely negotiation stuff you read about all the time...To say that he was pissed off would be like calling a hurricane spring showers. We started in the bedroom only, but it became clear after a short period of time that it couldn't stay there.

Me? I think that really I was just scared. It was easy to play around because that's what it was for me--play. And with him...While he can be a playful person, he does not play at D/s. Never has, and never will.

And last, but not least, a question from Petal's Master:
In everyday life is there something about you/your partner that might indicate your lifestyle choice? 

Mostly I would think that anyone familiar with D/s would pick us out because of our mannerisms with each other, and how our decision making process works. As far as physical things, I wear my collar every time I leave the house. It's a fairly fancy choker, and it doesn't look like anything besides a normal piece of jewelry. Though, I suppose that over time, people might come to wonder why I always wear it no matter what...

Thank you all for the questions! I am so happy that people are taking the time to inspire me. I needed it something desperate. So if there are any more....?

I'll be putting together a post with the questions for Alpha soon. I consider myself to be a very punctual person and he is...Not. so you know, aiming for sometime in the near future here.

Saturday, March 8, 2014

Four Years

I know that I have questions waiting for me, and I also have to do a post of the questions for Alpha, but...

Today, my blog is four. Now, I'll admit that the older I get, the less impressive the number four becomes, but...! I'm really not good at sticking with things, so anything with a four year life span is some sort of an accomplishment for me.

So I just wanted to say, that I am grateful to everyone who visits me, and continues to come back and subject themselves to my crazy ramblings--I appreciate the time you take to read and comment, and I'm still amazed that any of you are here at all.

This blog began in no small part, as a way for me to communicate with Alpha. Now, it is rare for it to serve that function. But both my relationship and this tiny little space on the vast ocean of the internet, have evolved tremendously over the years. I have learned so much--mostly that I'll always be learning. And telling one's Master to fuck off is still against the rules (just a public service FYI, you know).

Everyone has a story. I am happy to have this place to share mine, and thankful for those of you who are crazy enough to take the time to read it.

Thursday, March 6, 2014

Q & A Round Four --D/s in A Life With Kids

I have a couple more questions here from Blonde. I also have a few for Alpha, but I'm going to put those all into a post of their own. It's my blog, I get to go first. Ha! Like how I did that, pretending that he actually cared and I was getting my way no matter what? Uh huh, just call me Little Miss Independent. Until he comes through and reads this.

From Blonde:
I would like to ask you how you manage D/s and two small kids in the house? Is it difficult? They know about D/s? And what do you think D/s improved outside your marriage and in your relationships with others?

Regarding the children, one is not so young anymore. I think that when they are little, it is easier to be stealthy because they are less observant. My eldest has come to realize that most of his friend's parents are either divorced, or clearly wish they were. To them, ours is just a relationship between parents who genuinely still like each other. Commands are phrased as requests, and I'm cheeky enough that most people looking in would assume that there's nothing submissive about me. It's a misconception that Alpha seems to find great amusement in propagating...
D/s, like any flavor of relationship, just has to be adapted to life with children. It can be frustrating at times, but we try really hard to get nights to ourselves once a month these days, and when it happens, that helps a lot.
I kind of feel like, when D/s is part of life, it's not quite as difficult to adapt to one's circumstances.

As to the question of whether or not the kids know about our D/s, the answer is no. We want well-rounded boys who never fall prey to the misconceptions that the man is in charge, and women do what they're told. We avoid setting that precedent in our house.
That said, I believe that children are often not given enough credit for what they know, and certain tilts of power structure in a home become fairly obvious. In most homes though, no matter what we say, or how we see people, there is some form of power imbalance. Regardless of how much overall equality presents itself.

I think that, outside of our marriage, D/s has improved me. He literally makes me be a better person, so I make more of an effort to control my temper and care how the outside world sees me because I reflect upon him. I try to be more thoughtful of my relationships of others, as well.
Though, I have to say that I don't feel it has had a beneficial impact on friendships--sometimes it's hard for people to accept someone who is willing to drop anything in a heartbeat, and accede to any request made by their husband. Lots of women are with men that they don't actually like. They aren't happy, and they expect their friends to feel the same. So I wouldn't call D/s a big friendship nurturer. I suppose it's a bit different with people of somewhat like mind, but my interactions in Blogland are the extent of such relationships.

Thanks for the questions, Blonde!

Having been so low on inspiration, I am loving the questions and there's a whole month to go. So...Don't give up on me now!

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

Round Three--Thought Processes and Going Mad With Power

Courtesy of greengirl,
Does Alpha share his thought processes or reasons behind all of ttwd - or any of it? Would you want him to - or is it more comfortable for you to accept and not know why he chooses as he does?

It is rare that he will share his thought processes when it comes to anything related to ttwd. It's not that I don't ask, I do...But he generally ignores my questioning. The exception comes when issues arise. Not the first time, and maybe not even the second time the same problem comes up. If I'm having a consistent problem with something and being mean isn't working nothing is working to get my head on board, he will sometimes explain his reasoning. Then, naturally, I feel lame for just not getting it in the first place, because it was usually either a really good thing hiding in awful, or it was just stupid of me to rail against it so much in the first place...

On the surface, yes--I desperately want to know why he chooses what he does. Soo badly...But really, when it comes right down to it, I think that's part of the allure of submission for me to not always know and understand the reasoning, to know that often it is just because he can, and sometimes it because of something else...It is not comfortable for me to accept and not know why he does what he does, but it is...Hmmm, I just don't think that our D/s would work any other way.
Transparency runs one direction in our relationship. And as upset as that occasionally makes me, as insecure and infuriated as it sometimes inspires me to be, I wouldn't change it if I could. Oddly enough, it is one of the power imbalances in our relationship which has become deeply integral to the functioning of our D/s.

And, from Kaya,
 Once your M discovered he had all this power, what was the one thing that he took and ran with that you didn't foresee happening (in other words, has he gone mad with power? Heh)
Is there anything in your life you would take back if you could?

Lol, yes--he has definitely gone mad with power. It is an issue of no small contention around here.

In all seriousness though, yes. I really didn't think that he would take to control the way he has.
I know, I was one of those starry-eyed idiots, and reality didn't feature much in all my carefully crafted perceptions of ttwd, but I would have never in a million years thought that control would be his kink (I think "kink" is a bit of an understatement here, but I'm lacking the motivation to find the word I want).
He took the control aspect and upped it to levels that I was completely unprepared for. I started off much more...Pain oriented? And not so interested in the giving up control aspect of ttwd. He changed that completely (I call it brainwashing, he seems unreasonably attached to the term "Training" whatever).

Is there anything in my life that I would take back if I could...I thought about this a lot, and many of the things which I view as events I wish had never happened, led to events which either changed me for the better, or  to circumstances which impacted my life in a positive way.
I think that the one thing...
It would be the fighting with my dad in the months before he died. Things just got...Really weird, and he could be such an asshole. I do regret spending so much of that time angry with him.
And lunch. He wanted to take me out to lunch for my birthday one year, just us. But he was sick, and we didn't go...Somehow, it just never happened. I would change that. I would have gone to lunch with my dad.

Overall, I think that there are worse things one could regret.

And on the Q & A note...I batted my eyelashes at my darling Master, people. I don't get to ask a whole lot of questions around here, so let me live vicariously through you...

Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Q & A, Round 2--Why Is It So Hard, and Why Do We Want It?

Courtesy of Q & A month...Why is submitting so flippin difficult? Thank you tori. Okay, so I took some liberties with the phrasing. Couldn't help it. I think that this also ties in with the question of if it is so often a continuous struggle, why do I/we/you want submission? Thank you, mc kitten.

I think...submission is not always difficult. Sometimes it flows so naturally and smoothly, that it makes up for all those other times when it...Doesn't.
Why is it though, that someone can want and need something soo badly, yet...

This is a question that I have asked myself on multiple occasions, so I do have a theory. Or 2. Maybe 3. Drumrolllllllllll....
I think, among other things, because it makes us be better. I know maybe that sounds kind of silly, but bear with me (there will be no baring here unless he says otherwise).

Submission makes us look at ourselves in a whole new light. Things that were once acceptable about who we are and how we do things, no longer mesh with who we become and the needs of our relationships.

Now, I personally, like to think that I have been at this long enough to move beyond the whole "This is hardddddd" motto. Here's the reason I think that it continues on longer than I feel it should, (clearly running on a touch too much coffee) because submission is not content with stagnation.
No matter what obstacles we overcome, we are, as in the rest of life (we hope) continually growing and evolving. I think that, over time, the struggle eases, yet...Growth is neither easy, nor simplistic.

Submitting is hard because when we have succeeded in one area, we know that we can be more. Always knowing that you could go one step further, one minute longer, surrender one more inch, be a tiny bit more pleasing...And sure, you can ignore that knowledge, but it will be there beneath the surface every time he looks at you, every time he touches you, every command he gives...You both know...That no matter what it is, no matter how small and insignificant it may seem, there is always just a little bit more.

Submitting is hard because we have to be honest with ourselves about who we are, what we need, why we do what we do, why we believe the things we believe. Then, we are forced to take all that, and lay (lay/lie, someone please clear up this direct object shit rule for me) it all at another human's feet for them to do with as they will.
We can't hide the things about ourselves that we don't like, the things that scare us, the darkness in our souls. We have to admit that the darkness makes us whole, and we are forced to accept that we yearn to feed the beast that hides inside someone else's soul.

Here, I think, is where the two questions combine, and "Why do I/you/we want submission" meets "Why is submitting so hard?".
Submitting is hard because it's not about what we want. Seriously, when it comes right down to it, I feel that submission has fuck-all to do with what I want. It is about need. There is no obligation for my wants to be met in this relationship.
Now, don't get me wrong--this is a life that we share. He says that what looks best on me is happiness, and often, he does things just because they make me happy. There is nothing wrong with that, and it in no way runs contrary to the concept of D/s. However, as usual, I am getting terribly distracted.

Maybe we want submission, no matter how flippin hard it is, because we need it to be happy. And who doesn't want to be happy?
I think that there is a distinction here, between living D/s or M/s, and playing with it. If submission is an activity, then we don't go very far beyond where things become truly difficult because we don't actually need it. If submission is life, we want it no matter how hard it is, because not to would be denying who we are at the core of our beings, and we know that we need it.
Submission is easy when it's about what the submissive wants. Submission becomes difficult when we realize and accept that it is about what the Dominant wants, when he wants, how he wants, and sometimes, why he wants.

Submitting is not easy because we put ourselves in a position where another human being's opinion matters more than our own, and they see us. I mean, really see. And that seeing makes us painfully aware of our flaws. Often, they are more accepting of us than we are of ourselves. Still though, we know that we can always reach just a tiny bit further.

So there's my rambling thought process on why submitting is hard, and why we want it anyways. I make no claims as to whether or not I actually answered either question...

I think that next post I'll respond about his sharing his thought processes, and his having gone mad with power.
Speaking of going mad, I batted my eyelashes and Alpha said that he'd be willing to answer questions as long as I do all the work--like writing it out, hitting publish, and you know, all the work. So...?

Monday, March 3, 2014

Q & A, Round One

The order of business today comes courtesy of Jz and her inquiring mind...

- I still want to know about that magic basil.
I swear that my dad always said the secret to growing basil was verbal abuse, and pinching off the leaf segments before they flowered. I know that the pinching does pretty much double production and keep them growing longer. Now, the cussing at it...That just always seemed to work rather well...I honestly never tried growing it Not cussing at it, and it always does well. Ahem. Lol.

- You're given a gift certificate for any five books - what do you buy?
Omg...I dunno. There are unknown factors in this equation--how much is the gift certificate for? Is it for the vast and expansive magical land known as Amazon, or like the local bookstore that doesn't have any good fiction?
I can't decide!!

- No limit on resources or labor - describe your dream house.
Oh...Do you have several hours and a pencil? My dream house is, of course, designed around a three story library, and made entirely of stone. The house is an octagon with closed rooms around the outside and an open circular center complete with spiraling staircases and one big skylight ceiling. Each floor has a circular landing with wall to wall books.
There's a nice kitchen and a sun room (obviously not nearly as important as space for books).
The bedroom is huge. Seriously, I want vaulted ceilings, a closet of my very own, four poster bed, hidden doorways to the dungeon, a roaring fireplace, and a tub the size of my bed. Hey, money doesn't matter here, right? Fuck it, I want a moat and a drawbridge too.

- Your children each receive a highly distinguished award - what for?

Does chess count? Somehow it doesn't sound quite like it fits into the category of "distinguished"...

- I'm coming to visit. What kind of cake do you bake?
Well, I think that it's polite to give people options. But only the options I do well. Sounds fair, right?
So you would get to choose between chocolate, lemon, orange, and carrot.
If you didn't choose, I would panic and ask Alpha to choose, which means that it would be carrot cake. 'Cuz sensible is how I roll.
When should I expect you?

Sunday, March 2, 2014

Q & A Month With a Bit of This and That

I like boys, really--I'm no good at all with girls. Sometimes though...A woman can feel a bit unappreciated in a house overflowing with the male persuasion.
But you know what? I think they may have this whole birthday thing down. My eldest did an extra round of dishes of his own free will so I could wake up to a clean kitchen, and he made breakfast. There was even a remarkable lack of brotherly angst yesterday morning.
They also gave me a card that clearly stated I was not actually a whole year older--merely a day. Maybe they really are good kids underneath all that evil...

And my darling husband, what can I say besides that he says happiness looks sexy on me, and he makes me happy. Hmmm, that might be a future post...

In the shower that morning, he announced that I had tainted him, (?!?) and sex was no longer about sensation but about power. I think he was looking for a slightly different word, but I'm a fairly bright girl--when naked and covered in running water is not the time to disagree.

We have the house to ourselves until tomorrow morning--kiddo persuaded grandma that he could be trusted alone with his brother for an hour in the morning, so he got us another night. Almost makes me rethink my stand on the wickedness of children. Almost.

In other, more exciting news, March is question and answer month here in Blogland (I do wonder who started the traditions, but I'm too lazy to put any real effort into finding out). So, if you have any questions for me, please do feel free to leave them in a comment, and I'll put my response in a post (unless you prefer a private answer, in which case, just email me through the link on the sidebar). As usual, answers are also welcomed.

I survived another year, and that's nothing to scoff at. .