Sunday, October 30, 2011

Because I love you

I was teasing Alpha, asking about His (imaginary) escapades with other women when I wasn't around. "I wouldn't do that." He told me sincerely, "I would tie you up at the foot of the bed and make you watch. Because I love you."

Well then. There you have it. Who knew love was so simple? 

Saturday, October 29, 2011


Sometimes I think we are like magnets--When turned just a little bit wrong, they push away from each other as opposed to drawing each other closer.

My polarity has been all fucked up or something...And we aren't clashing, but we aren't drawn together like we should be.

Maybe all that much-needed leniency went to my head (just maybe. Ahem).

Regardless of the cause, I am not where I should be and haven't been for some time. So, brimming with brilliantly regrettable ideas, I suggested that Alpha tighten up the reins. He raised His eyebrows and pointed out that I didn't need new rules, I needed to follow the ones I have.
I didn't want new rules anyways! But ummm, yea I may have consistently forgotten a couple.

Consequences are going to be more severe and I am getting my shit together.

When I'm back here whining about the inhumanity of not being able to take a piss without permission, don't remind me that it's my own fault mkay?

Friday, October 28, 2011

Final score

Final score in the battle of lil versus vegetables:

24 pints salsa
25 quarts tomato sauce
14 quarts pickles
12 freezer bags grated zuchini
13 pints frozen spinach
15 meals frozen calabacitas
7 quarts dried tomatoes
18 pumpkins
16 acorn squash

Haha, I win!
We will be ignoring the four shoe boxes of tomatoes and several rows of spinach that didn't make the cut (lame pun intended).

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Touch of Ownership

I love the touch that says "I own you." It can be sweet and gentle or harsh and painful.

But there is a possessiveness that runs through every moment of it.

There is no hesitation.

No thought of asking for permission.

When He touches my skin like it is merely an extension of His own.

And my mind stills.

There is an intimacy that doesn't come with other kinds of touch. A bare feeling of nakedness and vulnerability.

And in those moments, there is nothing besides the taking and yielding of self.
Simply us in that place where I am His and His alone.

Monday, October 24, 2011


I was standing in the kitchen doing dishes when Alpha walked up and gave me that sincere look that just melts me and makes me weak in the knees. Cupping my face gently with His hands He looked me in the eye, and asked if I needed leniency or strictness (see, He fuddles my brain and I can't even remember exactly  what He says. That's my defense from now on).

He has been lenient since the accident. And I needed that.

What, for some reason, fuddled me up was that He asked. It's not that He never asks what I need--it's that there were two very different options. It wasn't open-ended and it's pretty clear that sitting here in limbo isn't going to work anymore. For either of us.

So I asked Him why He asked me (oh hush), and He gave me a smarmy answer ("why is the sky blue? It doesn't matter why"). I told Him the truth in a suitably chicken-shit way--I did need leniency.

It would be a lie to say that I don't know what direction we are going in from here.

But thankfully, it's out of limbo.

And hey, we were headed deeper into the abyss anyways right. Now is as good of a time as any.

Friday, October 21, 2011


I was musing to myself about pain last night. Specifically the different kinds and their effects.

Pain and the way we process it is an individual experience.

I once read something that said the difference between a pain slut and a masochist is that the pain slut wants pain because she gets off on it. The masochist needs pain but doesn't  want it as much. (I'm paraphrasing here. I would link to it if I could remember where the hell I read it. It was much more eloquently put and made a lot more sense).

Maybe I am a masochist after all...

Anyways, pain takes multiple forms and since it is such an individual experience, I believe those forms vary for everyone. And my love of categorization naturally led me to create the following list lol.

Growing pains--When events happen in life that make you feel emotional pain to your core but also present an opportunity for personal growth.

Bad pain--like burning yourself on the oven or smacking the side of your head on a sharp corner (was a great way to wake up this morning. They all seem to think I'm mean now).

Pleasurable pain--the kind that hurts but it's oh so fucking good because it makes you fly.

Cleansing pain--It's the kind I love to hate and it's also the pain I crave most. Ironic since I will go to great lengths to avoid it because this kind of pain isn't really enjoyable.
It's almost bad pain because it comes without pleasure. But the feeling afterwards is incredible.
Like a form of redemption, this is the pain that strips away all sins, crimes committed by and to oneself, and takes you to that place where everything external no longer matters.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Sometimes it is what it is...And sometimes hormones are not your friends

"I love that you think and question things baby. But no one can be everything all the time. And that's okay. It is what it is."

It is what it is.

And I think I need to work on the ability to accept that.

But this time? This time I think it's safe to say that hormones are not my friends. And it had actually occurred to me that I was feeling a bit PMSish. But I thought "no I still have more than a week left before the monthly hell hits!"

And my dear body replied. It said "fuck you bitch, back to a three week cycle. how do you like that!"
I don't like it. Not in the least little bit tyvm.
Ironically, it has taken me many years to recognize the signs--of how hormones are really shitty friends and they like to fuck with me.

But the concept of "it is what it is," is just so much more interesting. Because I have a hard time just accepting things. I can analyze something to death. Alpha says that isn't always necessary. And He's right.

I guess it is what it is. This time? It was hormones from hell lol.

Sunday, October 16, 2011


Believe it or not, this post isn't related to the previous one. That was an accumulation of those moments that just happen. We laugh, sometimes I cry, it goes in a post and we both laugh while I cringe about the possibility of paying for old offenses again.

This is different.

Sometimes I feel like there's this void where my submission should be. But it's not just my submission, it's the things that are so tightly entwined in it too, like sex.

But sometimes there's a void where my submission should be. An empty space with...nothing. And I wonder, why? How something so consuming and integrated into my life can cycle down the way it does.

And Alpha knows just by looking at me, they way I respond to His touch, the words I cannot find...And He asks me what's going on. But I can't find answers in the void so I return His questions unanswered. Usually He has some form of answer for me, or a different question that will lead me to what I am looking for.

This has been one of those reoccurring themes that makes me feel like I'm on the crazy-coaster.
I need submission. I crave Dominance. The exchange of power is deeply woven into our relationship. It has become part of who we are and how we live. "His" is who I want and need to be.

For a long time I have believed that, much like everything else in life, D/s goes through natural cycles.

But sometimes, just sometimes, there's this silent little void where my submission should be. And I feel like I am upside down and inside out. Looking for answers in the emptiness.

It always ends the same--with me and a pillow asking to sit at His feet and trying not to cry. Well, me not the pillow. I'm sure that wet substance on the pillow is just something the kids spilled.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

For Future Reference

"That's not my fucking problem!" is an unacceptable answer to "I'm out of clean socks baby."

"You wouldn't!" Is always translated to "I dare You to do it!"

"Fuck You!" is not the appropriate response to a spanking.

"Can I bite You? Pretty pretty please?" Is never rewarded like it should be.

Saying "I want to take that away and hit You with it!" seriously lacks both wisdom and common sense.

The phrase "do you understand?" requires verbal acknowledgment otherwise there is clearly a need for more "reinforcement" of the message.

Should your Dominant happen to whack Himself with one of His own implements, laughter should be choked on and not shared (hey, it's been a long time but I'm saving that memory forever).

When your ass is up and your air supply depends entirely on His whim, is not the appropriate time to disagree.

"No" is only an acceptable response if you can run faster and intend to never return.

Jumping up and down singing "I told you so!" is never properly appreciated.

When you are shrieking "I'm sorry! I didn't mean it!" It's already to late.

This public service message brought to you by someone who has clearly Never made any of the statements quoted above. I mean, after all, He reads this and it's like a printable page of punishable offenses.

Monday, October 10, 2011

When One Partner is Worth Less

I like to watch relationships, how couples interact with each other, what makes them tick, who lasts and who does not.
And I've noticed something about the majority of vanilla relationships--they tend to have a lot of power struggles, or one partner has a vote that, for the most part, doesn't count. Without the perks lol.

This particular train of thought was inspired by some friends of ours.They have a vanilla relationship based not on equality, but functioning within a system of thought where what she does and wants matters. And it's a one way street. His opinions, thoughts, needs, and ideas hold no value to her.
In their relationship, he is clearly seen by her as being worth less.

It's not a huge surprise that she doesn't like us much, but I digress.

Alpha and I have a relationship that is, by definition, not one of equality; however, we are of equal worth. Just because He gets the final say does not mean that my thoughts and opinions are without value. If my idea's weren't better than His at times, He wouldn't have married me in the first place lol.

I don't know how people live in relationships where one partner is clearly seen as being worth less than the other.

I'll admit that I do sometimes see myself as being worth less than Alpha--but that's an issue of my own self esteem. He holds me in high esteem, He values who I am. Our relationship is on unequal footing yet we are beings of equal worth.

Friday, October 7, 2011


~I told my chiropractor I had "real sex" for the first time since my accident. Ten minutes later it was my turn to cringe when she told me "your occipital bones are like holy shit out of whack. One sides an inch higher than the other!" No wonder it hurts like hell...

~Alpha finished His job so payments are due (both literally and figuratively).

~We just brought in another 200 or so pounds of tomatoes. They are merely here to compliment the 7 boxes and twelve bags that already own my living room. Seriously, I hate vegetables. I'm going purely carnivorous.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011


I love that You Dominate my mind as much as my body
the way You grab my throat, telling me I am yours.
I love Your cruelty mixed with kindness
the way You do nasty things to me and whisper sweet nothings in my ear.

I love
That You can take me down into the depths of humiliation and bring me back up
loving me more.

I love
 how the muscles in Your back ripple when You move
the way You tower over me
and that spot on Your shoulder made just for me to lay my head
how Your hand wraps all the way around my neck
the calculating look in Your eyes when You are considering how much more I can take
the expression on Your face when You are getting off on my pain.

I love
who You are and always have been
the Dominant You have become

I love
the fact that Your traits that drive me crazy are some of Your most admirable
how You defend the weak
and never stop trying to make the blind see
that You are impulsive and responsible.
the way You are loyal to a fault
Your stubborn persistence and insistence.

I love 
that You know me better than I know myself
that You love me for me
what we are and have become
that You own me 
mind body and soul.

I love...You

Answering a Question of Self Acceptance

Because I am afraid of who I will become if I accept what I am.

Simple right?

Ahhh, the irony for someone who has striven for ages to be nothing more or less than herself.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

A Question of Self Acceptance

Last night after the first rough sex since my accident (June for fuck's sake. My self pity has gotten overwhelming), I asked myself why I am the way I am. Self being the obstinate person it is, I got no answer. So I asked Alpha.
His response was that I was asking the wrong question. He said the real question is, why does it matter? Why can't I just accept the way I am?

Hmmm. Unfortunately, it's a good question.

Because I know what it's like to be truly taken against my will? Because I had a man talking dirty to me before I was old enough to know what he was talking about? Because love is supposed to be sweet and kind? Because when it comes right down to it, I crave the Dominance, the humiliation, the force, the loss of control and we are all taught how wrong such things are? Because I am, at heart, the dirty little whore Alpha calls me? Because I don't think I deserve the amazing feelings that come with letting go?

Because I am afraid of what will happen when I let go completely? Because I'm scared that Alpha will wake up one day and see only the whore not the whole? Or that He will no longer accept it Himself.

Yes. I am terrified that, if I accept the way I am, it will consume me. Refusing to just accept it and...Be...Is the only straw I have left of who I once was and what I used to believe in. Not that either Alpha or I was served particularly well by it...And if I accept it and am consumed perhaps there would be nothing left of me worth loving. Most of all? It's a terrifying thought that Alpha might wake up one day and not accept what I am.

To think that once I was afraid He loved me to much to Dominate and own me. The irony is not lost.

Ttwd can be such a beautiful quandary--to be whipped and used, told what a filthy whore I am, and then have Him look me in they eyes, caress my cheek, and tell me He loves me.

Damnable man, answering one question with another.

I guess it really is a question of self acceptance.

Monday, October 3, 2011


It's kind of funny, when we first started exploring D/s, Alpha was very attracted to the control aspect. Me, I wasn't to keen on that at all lol. I wanted pain and lots of it (or so I thought).
As Alpha began letting His sadistic side out of the box, I developed a different opinion of pain--I don't want lots of it lol.

The funny thing is, as time goes by, I feel very different about His control than I did in the beginning.
I crave control far more than I ever craved pain.

And in a way, it kind of seems to go against everything we are taught to believe and be. We are supposed to want to be the masters of our own fate right, to control our own existence and direction.

I think that after taking that initial leap, things began changing in my head. Alpha's control began to feel more like security and less like an intrusion. It's kind of like that stupid exercise where you fall back and trust someone to catch you (I was dropped btw, and no it wasn't Alpha. Can I blame all my trust issues on that?)

It takes faith. Not blind unwitting faith, but faith in the knowledge that the person who has control is going to make better decisions for you than you might make for yourself. That they will keep you safe and always have your best interests in mind.

Alpha has an amazing amount of self control (I like to think that I helped Him develop it. Ahem. Always happy to be of assistance you know). His ability to control Himself gives me the faith to let Him control me.

After a certain point, it's not even "letting," it's accepting. Then damn if that doesn't turn into needing. A ridiculous craving like PMSing and chocolate. Only worse, because it's not just once a month lol.

It's scary because when that control isn't there it feels a bit like floating out in the ocean without a life jacket--you probably won't sink, but you don't know for sure.

Ahhh yes, yesterday I was plotting rebellion it's true. But c'mon--that was 24 whole hours ago lol. And yea, sometimes I resent His control, the fact that He defines our boundaries, has the final say, gets to make the curtain call. But we tried it the other way--and it really didn't work for us.

Being in control of someone else requires the ability to first control yourself. And giving up control requires trust.

And now my coffee deprived thought process has run out of inspiration. The boy broke my french press this morning so it's goodby to my most beloved kitchen utensil. It now rests in pieces but the child lives. See, I do still have some self control. Though it's possible Alpha contributed just a little.

Sunday, October 2, 2011

Random nothings...

He's been so tired I haven't been getting so much as a second glance...In all fairness, He's only had two days off in three weeks...But still, the attention whore in me is about to stage a mutiny.

Which in all likelihood, would be completely ignored until a later date...When I have accumulated enough points to really regret it and it's to late run away screaming that I wasn't That bad lol.

The thing about mutiny is that it sounds reasonable when thinking about staging one, completely justifiable even...And then suddenly, when the hanger comes out and it's bottoms up? It becomes clear that a fatal error in judgement has occurred.

Saturday, October 1, 2011


I'm in one of Those moods...You know, the kind where Alpha walks up to me with the wooden spoon and I use my eyes to dare Him to beat the shit out of me. "Oh yes, beat me. I don't just want to know that you are bigger and badder--I need to feel it in the core of my being. Because I feel like the biggest meanest dog on the block. Prove me wrong. Bring it on."

Oh yea, I know that's a recipe for tears lol.

It's largely because the boy has taken rotten to a whole new level over the last couple of days.

I was watching this (ignore the advertisement), and there's a scene where he punches the wall next to her head. I laughed. There's a hole in my bedroom wall from years ago...My head was inches away from it when Alpha put it there. We used to rage at each other like caged animals.

I learned early on in life, even if you have nothing to prove? You always have something to lose. Weakness is like blood in the water. And you never ever let them smell your fear.

And just sometimes, that crazy raging little bitch rears her head.

Alpha's Dominance tames my rage. Sometimes I think it makes me weak, this being on my knees and striving to please.
But when I look at that hole in our wall? I wonder what I would have become without Him.

I would have probably found plenty of men willing to go straight for my head instead of the wall. And been a randomly fucked little whore chasing blood in the water.