Funny Stuff

Okay, so I read this a long time ago, but I don't think I shared it here. Since I have nobody else in my life who will properly appreciate this, I'm sharing with you. Facebook can be sooo entertaining...

"My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, and play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: ‘Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet.’

So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those ‘cold wax’ kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off.

No mess, no fuss.

How hard can it be?

I mean, I’m not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. (‘Cold wax,’ yeah…right!)

I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull.

It works!

OK, so it wasn’t the best feeling, but it wasn’t too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me!

I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north after checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship.

I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.

Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip) ..

I inhale deeply and brace myself…RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I’m blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!….OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!

Vision returning, I notice that I’ve only managed to pull off half the strip.

CRAP!

Another deep breath and RIPP!

Everything is spinning and spotted.

I think I may pass out…must stay conscious…must stay conscious.

Do I hear crashing drums???

Breathe, breathe…OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy – a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip!

There’s no hair on it.

Where is the hair???

WHERE IS THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip…it’s not! I touch. .. I am touching wax!!

I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake…remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.

Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut. Sealed shut!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself ‘Please don’t let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!’

What can I do to melt the wax?

Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!!

I’ll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???

*WRONG!!!!!!!*

I get in the tub – the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment – I sit.

Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub…in scalding hot water.

Which, by the way, doesn’t melt cold wax.

So, now I’m stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It’s a very good conversation starter ‘So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!’

There is a slight pause.

She doesn’t know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, ‘Are we talking cheeks or hole or hoo-ha?’

She’s laughing out loud by now…I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.

YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else’s night.

While we go through various solutions, I resort to trying to scrape the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!

By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I’m pretty sure I’m going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace….the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.

What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and … OH MY GAWD!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend.

Its sooo painful, but I really don’t care.

‘IT WORKS!!

It works!!’ I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair…?

THE HAIR IS STILL HERE…….ALL OF IT!

So I recklessly shave it off.

Heck, I’m numb by now.

Nothing hurts.
I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I’m going to try hair color……"

(Facebook source – original writer not known )

Last Keywords of 2014

Here's my roundup of somewhat entertaining searches that got people here last year. With, of course, the necessary commentary. It's not quite as entertaining as some have been in the past, but maybe that's just because I've been rather boring...

"BDSM turns me on but I don't want..." Omg, I hate blogger stats--don't want what?? To be bossed around, to be hurt, pigtails (I mean, I certainly don't want pigtails), to submit, what??

"How to make my wife submit to my power." Really dude? Good luck with that one...Let us know how you feel about living in your car!

"Anal dominate with my wife - porn". This one is really only funny because I feel that I owe the poor man an apology, given the the vast discrepancy between what he was looking for, and what he actually got.

"Pee in a cup every morning thing." Whatever, I don't want to talk about it!

"local submissive slave needing a master" Looking for him here, is she...Oh no she didn't! 

"slap face fuck cry" I am absolutely blown away by the eloquence...

"How to be a good submissive" Oh honey...You won't find that here I mean, I wish you could, but...Yea...I'm too much a of a work in progress.

"I am a needy submissive." I would say welcome to the club, but that's not really what I want to be known for....

"Master withdrawals submissive." See? It's a real condition thingy!!

"How is it okay for my husband to rub on a stripper?" Ooh...Well...?

"We think things" Of course we do.  Love it!

"mama always said calm" Well, my mama didn't, but I'm sure somebody out there has a nice calm mother...

"go bad moment" C'mon, it's cute!

"submissive to my husband's gf" I think I'd rather die. And I say that with complete sincerity.

Not the Man I thought He Was

On my innocent little way to the bathroom late last night, I caught him doing something truly horrifying, something that I never thought he would do...

He was watching porn. "It's just porn", you say? Not just any porn, oh no. Far worse.
Vanilla porn. My darling sadistic, twisted, perverted Master, was watching vanilla porn.

 

Worse still, he was unapologetic when confronted with the depths of his transgression. In fact, he laughed in my face!
While this discovery has shocked me to the core, I am slowly recovering and we will somehow weather this storm.

If you don't have a sense of humor, you should probably go away now.

Too late?

Still Doing it Wrong

"I need more attention!"

"You think? Did you not get what you want?"

"You know what I want!"

"Go make me coffee!"

"You're doing it wrong!"

"Smirk"

Clearly, this quote came straight from his brain.

A Few More Keywords...

"Submissive women explained" Now there's a nice broad question that I would love to find the answer to...

"I dreamed with a black squirmy thing" ?!? Huh?

"Submissive than thou" That one came with the quotation marks and everything!

"Submissive hussy" Words cannot express how incredibly offended I am that this particular phrase got someone here...Seriously.

"Change bitch wife into a submissive." Wow...I'm not sure what the proper response is here...Good luck with that?

"Sanitary submissive." Well...It's better than submissive sanitarium, no?

"slap spit a wife your sex slave" I just don't...Umm...Ideas? Grammar lessons seem appropriate.

"Our sex sucks I want to be dominated." Omg. This is my favorite. Is it wrong that I burst out laughing when I read it? It was so honest and...Yea...

"arrogant submissive" It was in quotes already, I swear. *Sigh* I'm going to get a complex.

Reality: 10, lil: 0

I'm seriously about to start following my eldest child around with a bottle of hand sanitizer in public. Been sick every month this year, for fucks sake! And my car broke down yesterday, and, and, and...

Uh huh

In other unrelated news, I seem find myself developing an annoying sense of loneliness. I'm seeing and interacting with far more people than I am used to (yes, I do hate people, and I am also no good with them whatsoever). It sounds silly, but I think that is contributing to the feeling.

I must admit, sometimes I miss that whole "pick up the phone and give a girlfriend a call to commiserate about life" thing...It has been nearly four years since I had a friend that I could sit down to coffee with. She turned out to be a psychotic back-stabbing bitch, but I digress. Well, I would be if I actually had a point...

We didn't get our night this month, with kiddo bringing home yet another fucking child-born plague and all. And that's okay. But it's kind of a shame because...Well because sometimes life is so much that it takes a lot to make it fade away for a moment.

People...I'm having to interact with people because of club, and I have to say--they haven't improved with time off. I was limping my car to the mechanic's yesterday, when some idiot pulled out in front of me. I honked, and the passenger rolled down her window and started cussing me out. I deserve some kind of award for not pulling over and dragging her out of the window.

Uh huh. True colors are starting to show. Nods* this is why I can't ride across the country in a bus full of kids with their snooty-ass parents.

I want to be this guy, just 'cuz fuck you assholes

Awesome, right?

On the bright side, I won two games against kiddo the other day. Oh yea--he's gotten to the point where I wonder before every game: Will this be the last one I win, or the first in a lifetime of continuous losses? Did I mention that I won twice in a row? Poor dude, he was mad.

Oh, and, yea...Um, the book? I Did it like I was supposed to and was too chicken to hand it over. And I wrote it all on the next consecutive page. It's become one of those things where the consequences are...Eek. And the more I put it off, the worse it's going to be, but, EEK! So it's hard to be in a hurry...Especially since, well yea...It was an honest revision.

Sigh* I know what I need, and it's probably not pretty...

Words rivaled only by "Breathe"...

Dear Universe, and Where Writer's Block Begins

In his usually bossy manner, he "suggested" that I write a post about writing opportunity as it correlates to my current inability to put words to page.
Ooh, that almost sounded smart! And I even spelled smart right on the first try. Ha!

I would just like to take this moment to say that my kids got me sick again, and I am filing an official complaint with the universe regarding sick time:

Dear Universe,
I truly do feel, with all of my dark cold little heart, that there should be an official limit to how long a person can be sick with plague-like forms of the common cold in any given period of time. I also feel quite strongly that there should be at least 1 month between occurrences, because 1 week simply is not a long enough period of time during which to get and maintain a life.
I would also like to address the small issue of sick leave. Specifically, umm, the fact that there isn't any. At all. If anything, there appears to be more laundry, bigger bills, dirtier floors, hungrier children, and less reliable vehicles. I realize that you are quite busy, and the little detail regarding sick leave may have slipped past you, but I find the current policy to be completely inadequate. Perhaps your definition needs could use an adjustment?
Thank you for your time, Universe.
Sincerely,
Mrs. Leavemealoneoriwillbreatheonyou
P.S I don't suppose that you have any time to address the soaring cost of meat, by any chance? Maybe I'm pushing my luck...

Where was I? Oh, opportunities and constipated writing inability writer's block.

So anyways, back in January, there was this chance
a conversation with someone
an idea
that perhaps
just maybe
if I could string together a coherent story with all of those things a real story needs,
it would be something that left my desktop
that was submitted
and edited
and read
and
gasp
maybe even
published.
Not paper, but I have gotten over my e-book snobbery--words are just plain cool. Especially if they're good.

Within a day of that of conversation, I had nothing to say. Anywhere that had anything to do with printed words.
I could barely string together a sentence about what I ate for breakfast (because what I ate for breakfast is really so exciting). Ideas that had been floating around in my mind for a year just drifted off like puffs of smoke, and the ability to use the printed word as a vehicle to describe even my personal thoughts and feelings (as I have been doing for some time now) became suddenly elusive.

The Big Meanie Alpha felt unreasonably strongly suggested that the best way to get over writer's block was to write about where it began. So there. Said with all the grace of a snotty hyena prancing fawn.
I'm tempted to add that he wouldn't know if I had written it or not, since he doesn't read my drivel anymore,  (I suppose that one can hardly blame the man, I dunno what the rest of you are doing here) but saying that might be a touch too unreasonably pouty cheeky. So I won't.

The Dom Handbook

He was building a fire (which is sexy because everyone hates being cold), so I was already at a slight disadvantage...


"And to think that you were going to leave me because I was too controlling."
"Hey, that year/situation was not all me!"
"No, it was not. It was you and that damn shot."
"Wtf? You played a part in it all too." 

Now at an even greater disadvantage because he's looming over me with his hand tangled in my hair... 
 
"Do you remember why you got the shot in the first place? Because we were having sex all the time, and we were afraid you'd get pregnant again."
"Uh...No, I don't remember that..."
 "Then everything went to shit after you got that shot. So it was you and the shot. I had maybe a teensy weensy part."

A point he illustrated with an annoying finger measurement, suspiciously close to my nose...

 Now sitting firmly on the high horse exclusive to those with the self-righteous surety of knowing that someone else is doing it wrong, I informed him that, "Everybody knows Doms are supposed to take responsibility for their actions! It says so in the Dom handbook!"

 *Smirk*
"I wrote the handbook."

 *Pause*
 
"Can I read it?" 
I try to never miss an opportunity....

"Lol."
"Um...It was an honest question..."
"You're living it."
"I'm an experiment!?!"

Search Terms of 2013

Oddly enough, I have found myself without much of anything to say lately. So today I decided to go with some things that other people are saying.

"Sex calls me dirty little whore."
 Huh...I have been called a dirty little whore during sex, but I have never heard sex itself call me anything...

"i want my wife to do a pull a train"
Okay, so the only reason this one made the cut is because I had to go look it up. I still can't figure out on how on God's green earth this got them here.

"drops to make someone submissive"
Omg! Do those require a prescription?? Because I could see them keeping me out of a lot of trouble.

"how to make your bitchy girlfriend submit"
Oh c'mon, really? I'm going to start getting offended if I keep getting hits from the whole "bitchy girlfriend" premise.

"the terrible girl submissive"
Just...Sigh* 

"create submissive girlfriend"
Is that like making pie?

"a whore called me a cunt" 
This one is by far my favorite. What else is there to say about it?

"Dominant dirty socks girl." 
Ew...I simply cannot think of any scenario where dirty socks are sexy, hot, or otherwise appealing in any way.

"How to become a sex slave to a vanilla husband"
I'm not a miracle worker you know...

The Various Glories of Motherhood

Story of my life lately.

But wait, it gets better! This is my eldest child's current attitude:

And by "current" I mean every day for the last 3 weeks.

So things around my house look a bit like this:

 

 

Remind me again why we don't eat our young?

No matter how I approach my day, the truth is...

Oh so true.

Well...

If anyone happens to come across a tall blond man kicking a poor little abused, and unloved sense of humor around, carefully peek around for his kinder half and send his wife's starved and lonely sense of humor back home with him will you? I don't mind if it's still stuck to the bottom of his boot--I'll scrape it off and revive it later.

The one in front would be me...Free free to take bets as to whether it's a before or after post picture.
 

For a while I was a bit concerned that the week would end like this:

Ouch Doesn't sum it up...

But I think that we're working our way around to this:

He likes me again, he likes me again!

Maybe...

More on Search Terms

I have a little collection of these saved up again, and since I seem to have an excessive amount of thoughts warring for release, I'm all out of clarity at the moment...So here are some of the more entertaining, (to me anyways) search terms so far this year:

"Bitch whine demanding girlfriend."
Really?? Of all the possibilities, that's what got him here? I'm hurt. And totally shocked.

"ttwd manual."
Lol. Well, that is certainly not here. But if anyone finds it, I wouldn't mind taking a peek at it--you know, just so that I can tell him he's doing it wrong.

"How to be a good submissive."
Sigh. I really want to gloat about this one...But sadly, those instructions are not on this blog.

"If he loves me, how can he call me his little whore in bed?"
Oh, well...You know...

"Nose full of cum."
Oh...Ew.
I think that discussion started off as being about cum in eyes...Not something I would recommend either, btw. But I am somewhat curious as to what leads a person to Google such a thing...

"She thinks she is going to dominate me."
I'm guessing that didn't work out so well?

"Dominant master software."
Uh...What? Is Dominance some type of downloadable program or something?

"I want to be a whore not a wife."
Just this once, I'm at a complete loss for words... 

Hehe

Ooh, somebody made a funny about me!

Lol.

Keywords Revisited

Okay, I admit it--I keep a post in my drafts folder for these. But seriously, some of this stuff is too good to let go.
Most in this round aren't that funny, but some of them did make me raise my eyebrows (I'll admit that isn't very difficult).

"Pregnant submissive no electricity."
Oh good lord...I can't even poke fun at that one. That would be so totally crappy...I'm sorry?

"Sexy one liners submissive."
Well hmm, who's uttering the one-liners? I do like to think that people can come up with those on their own...I doubt they found anything useful here lol.

"Arrogant submissive."
Geeze...I clearly don't know what I'm doing. I don't feel arrogant...I'm only slightly offended though--after all, I usually am right.

"Definition monogamous whore."
Ooh, I like this one! Honestly, that's all I have--I can't even think of anything to joke about with this one because I know which post got them here.

"Things to fuck your submissive with."
Correct me if I'm wrong here, but isn't inventiveness the whole point of such experiments...?

"Why I sent my husband to the whore."
Uh...Well, I must admit to some curiosity here--why did she send her husband to the whore?

And my very favorite, that called out loudly to the cynic in me:

"I want a submissive."
Oh by all means, it's easy! We all line up in the store windows on the third Thursday of every month. We're like a box full of kittens just waiting to come home and scratch your eyes out cuddle up to your feet.

I'll just leave the whole "French toast mindfuck" visitor behind me without further commentary...

Conversations With Grandma

This isn't one of those, "Words of wisdom from your elders" posts. I wish it was...

My mom and I have this little tradition where she calls me and reads the funny excerpts from the local police blotter.
Yesterday she called me, "I have a funny for you. You'll love it--you're the only person I know who will really appreciate it."

I keep on stirring dinner and wait for the big reveal...

"Man called police to report that he couldn't get the handcuffs off of his wife and could he please borrow a key."

But wait! It gets better. Sigh.

She continued with, "I can laugh at that because it almost happened to me!"

I have an atrocious uncanny ability to turn terrible things I hear into images. The worse it is, the better the visual. Unfortunate really.

I choked on my own spit and almost knocked dinner off the stove.

It's safe to say that I no longer look forward to our little police blotter chats.

When Sexy Moments Go Bad

There's something super hot and sexy about lying on my back while he jacks off into my mouth.

So I'm there on my back, mouth wide open just like he wants me. I have already been fucked into a malleable ball of sex, so sexy isn't a stretch to pull off...

Then he starts to cum, and he has really good aim, so it's all going in my mouth. Then he decides to spread the love around. Before I know it, there's a stream creeping towards my nose.
I'm trying really hard not to ruin the moment and I tilt my head just a tiny bit and stop breathing through my nose, but you know--with a full mouth, not breathing through one's nose is exceptionally difficult.
So I twitch my face just a teensy bit, trying not to lose the whole sexy look and still avoid a nose full of cum.

It didn't work.

At least one of us thought it was hilarious. I'm sure you can guess which one. Ahem.

You know, I told him the nose is a limit. I don't ask much--nose, belly button, feet. But no, he refuses to respect my limits!

And just for the record, cum in the eye is no joke either--sudden blindness is not sexy, and cum really doesn't wash out well--it's super water resistant or something.

Wanders off in search of a red flag...

These things really happen more than they should. Though in all honesty, they tend to go more towards accidental self-injury on my part.

Surely I am not completely alone in this??

Wicked Chickens!

I want to write...Inspiration is being kind of like an itch I just can't quite reach though--I have it, and I like it...Then I sit down to write and poof! Gone.
Sometimes I feel like my brain is a sieve, and no matter how madly I try to round up my thought, they all drip right through.

On the flip side, I haven't seen Alpha this inspired in ages. He starts a new project Monday and he'll probably be working insane hours for a little while.
The man is acting like a kid in a candy shop.

And I realize that I'm on my way to major culture shock. Because that shift from being together most of the time to not...Is always strange.

When I come back to complain, remind me how much I like seeing him happy and that it's always nice to live through winter, K?

And did I mention it's cold? Not a fan.

I was really good when Alpha walked in the door tonight, I said "hello babe."

What I wanted to say was:

"I tried to cover up the space in the chicken coop but they attacked me so I ended up trying to do most of it from the outside and I really hope they don't eat the tarp or get stuck in the because I'm not going back out there but they flew at my face talons first and tried to tear my eyes out and it's a small space and there's lots of them and you can't get away and I don't like chickens and I never want to go back in there ever ever again they tried to kill me and now the damn things wont even get in there and are trying to freeze to death out in the cold!"

Okay, so it might have been the second or third thing out of my mouth...But I did make great effort to slow down enough for verbal punctuation!

Some might accuse me of being slightly too dramatic about the whole event...But these are not small birds dammit! Plus, "They tried to kill me," sound so much better than "The chickens scared me."

In their usual supportive manner, my husband and children seemed to think that the whole event was great fun and were terribly sorry to have missed it. So they could have helped of course.
I have little doubt that they would have been on the side of the fowl little bitches.
Traitors the lot of them!

And the Universe Said...

Dear Disgruntled Sub With Displacement Issues,

Since you asked so nicely, I have seen fit to grant part of your request. I hope that you appreciated the conspicuous lack of personal injury occurrences yesterday. Though the enema bag request was being a bit greedy don't you think?
However, in my infinite graciousness, I deemed it appropriate to insure that the purple carpeted stairs were unusually easy to clean.

Please note that such exceptions do require some additional charges. So I thought you might like to spend two hours on one kitchen and an hour with your hands in a toilet. As an added bonus, I threw in some vehicle issues (you will not be getting the requested 300,000 miles out of your car engine).

You are welcome.

Sincerely,
The Universe

P.S
Just so you don't get bored, I thought it might be nice to make sure you will be spending another hour on that particular toilet at some point. I know how much you hate a job half done. And those vehicle issues are going to continue haunting you for some time to come.
All thank you cards can be sent to:
The Universe Is Laughing@that'swhatyougetforasking.com

Delivery failure notice:

The recipient, A Disgruntled Sub With Displacement Issues, has marked your communication "return to sender" and is no longer receiving mail at this address.

D/s Withdrawal

Given the fact that thing1 detoxed here last month, this post, or at least its title, may be in poor taste. But I'm happy. So I don't really care. Lol.

I swear the man is more of a sadist than he thinks or is willing to admit.

He watches me go through all my withdrawal symptoms:

At first I'm cool--just little miss independent doin her thing
then I start thinking that maybe, "doin my thing" isn't really so grand after all
so I start being on my best behavior--"see, I can be a good girl, a really really really good girl!"
Nada. Zip. Zilch.

Alright, I'll ask really, really, Really nicely.
Well that didn't work...

So he doesn't care huh!? I'm going to file an unofficial complaint.
Nope.

So here I come, waving my little, "official complaint."
Hmmm, Office must be terribly backed up, because I'm not even getting an automated message.

So hey, might as well bang on the door and raise a bit of a stink.
Ha. Damn doors must be made of soundproof iron.

So I slouch off in defeat.
Fine.
I don't really need to be Dominated! I'm little miss independent with road rage.
So there!

OMG...
Fuck.
Pretty, pretty please with a cherry and tears on top?!
I'll beg!!

Okay, I'm begging...

Never mind. *sigh* Now I'll just sink into a shallow grave of self pity and depression.

That bridge is calling my name...Life is pointless, my existence has no meaning, I now know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he no longer wants to own me.
He doesn't even like me!

I'm gonna die in my Cheerios.

Then, like a million years later, he says:
"Do you need to be used little one?"

Oh. Great. Green. Freakin. Goddess.
"YES!"

For Future Reference--another public service message for the "innocent"

The term "putting your foot down" only means that you're going to have to pick it right back up again and run.

You know you're hopeless when trying to get your way comes out as "I object....Fine!"  And He laughs at you 'cuz your big rebellion is "cute." Really, cute?! How insulting is that.

Rolling your eyes sets off some invisible alarm that only he can hear.

Sighing is Not an innocent form of breathing. It is in fact tantamount to a barbed insult and will often incur the same consequences.

Your kitchen is not a safe zone--think of it more as a family friendly dungeon full of dangerous implements. And there is no escape hatch out the back of your fridge.

Now this one is tricky, because some of us think we really want to hear this, but it doesn't work quite like it sounds:
The term "do as you wish."
STOP.
Do not start jumping up and down while rushing off to do whatever it is you wish. Think carefully here because you are swimming with sharks disguised as dolphins. What this really means is "do Not do as you wish unless what you really wish is for is something extremely unpleasant." It's just enough rope to hang yourself so stay on the chair and do not jump!

Sometimes if prey hold vewy vewy still, the predator will continue on without devouring it. Now this only works sometimes, so don't come back complaining to me if you don't get the desired results. Because occasionally it's a bit like handing them a leg and saying "chew!"

"Fuck you" is still an unacceptable answer. And so are, "fuck off, fucker, fuck it,fuck that," and of course, the ever insidious and simple "fuckkkkk!"

When you squeak, "not my feet! Hard limits, hard limits!" He hears: "Push my limits, push my limits!"

Keywords of the week:
"I am tired and needing sanctuary." Must I always apologize?
"Psychotic bitch sir." Well I just don't know what to say, but I'm not apologizing for that one!
"How to mindfuck him into love." Oh dear...That ain't love hun.
"How to combat neediness as a submissive." If they found what they were looking for after they left in disillusionment, I wish they would come back and give me the answer.

I find my personal and generally not funny to anyone else unappreciated brand of humor comes out most when I'm feeling like a smart ass or life's being a bitch.
Yea, life is definitely out to get me these days.

Tomorrow is a new day though right?